Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 29:
Aggressive Recruiting

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

(musical chimes)

Hi, I’m Sydney and I play Valorissia Creed, a human technician. I was going by an old name and pronouns during this recording and also using a rather different voice at the time. So while we have left the audio as originally recorded, I would request that you use my current name and pronouns, she/her, when discussing the episode. Thanks!

(musical chimes)

Oh goodness, space friends. Our Patreon has only been live for two weeks and we are $4 from our first goal. I want to take a second to thank these amazing people who got in on the ground floor. Ashley Coyle, thank you so much for your support. You are super great and we appreciate you. Austin Whittington, you rock, you cool person you. Chris Russell, you are a fantastic human and we like you a whole bunch. GyaradosSkullfucker, we really appreciate the support and our fun Discord conversations. JJ Cappa, thank you so much, you’re awesome. John Bacevicius, sorry about the pronunciation, you are also super great and appreciated. Jose Guerero, thank you for chipping in, we can afford to fuel the Afternoon Delight now. Richard Kreutz-Landry, you freaking rock. Thank you for being so supportive of our show and our lives in general. And Sp4rkleFish, thank you for your support and constant kindness.

The Patreon is really getting hopping now folks, and I hope you’ll check it out. We already have a few finalized NPC submissions and they could begin appearing as soon as the next arc depending on some player choices. It’s up to fate now. Consider joining us on this wild ride.

Additional music this week is Cantina Rag by Jackson F. Smith and Semper Fidelis by the Heftone Banjo Orchestra.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 29 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. We just ate a crap ton of chicken fingers, and we’re all greasy and sleepy now, so this is gonna go really well. Grab some, they’re in the fridge, I put them in a big bag. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce themselves and what characters they’re playing. If they spent any experience then tell you what you experience spent on.

CAMERON: (snickers, giggles)

LAURA: (giggles)

NICK: Words are hard. Up first we have—

LAURA: You have an English degree!

CAMERON: What on Earth?!

NICK: (laughs) Words written are easy… harder… less. Up first we have Hudson!

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson. I was born September 24, 1991. I’m playing—

(laughter)

LAURA: Now tell me your mother’s maiden name, your first pet’s name…

HUDSON: And the last four of my social security number?

LAURA: …and the last four of your social. (laughs)

CAMERON: We need the model of your first car.

LAURA: Oh yes, the model and make of your first car, your high school mascot.

HUDSON: The make and model of my first car was Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

(laughter)

LAURA: Thank you.

NICK: Great. Did you spend any experience since last time?

HUDSON: Nope. Hoarding it.

NICK: Great. Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend experience, and I went up to Rank 3 in Piloting: Space.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: Cool. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I got another rank in Stealth… Yes? It was Stealth. Also, Cock Blasters is canon. It’s a real place. It’s where we ordered our chicken from.

NICK: (sighs heavily)

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. Now I have to figure out which parts of that go in and which ones don’t.

LAURA: Leave it all in. Look, people on Twitter actually said they enjoyed the phrase cock blasters and they thought it was funny.

NICK: But does that have to do with us or just in general though?

LAURA: In general and us.

CAMERON: Well no, they haven’t even heard that episode yet. They just saw the tweet that you posted after I said it.

LAURA: I don’t remember who it was, but someone said they wanted that on a shirt.

CAMERON: I think it was Ashley.

LAURA: I think, yeah.

NICK: Probably Ashley. Alright.

LAURA: Wanted Cock Blasters on a shirt, and I gotta figure out how to do that now, because… Yeah.

NICK: Well, this episode won’t come out for about six weeks, so I have time for you to forget and for me to make it sound like I won.

LAURA: Oh, Nick, like I would forget that? It’s in my notes. (laughter) Also, including the phrase ‘like a Bisquick biscuit on the end of a tiki stick.’ (laughter) Yup.

HUDSON: So, for the Cock Blaster shirt, you need a rooster in Han Solo clothing with a blaster.

CAMERON: Yesss~!

NICK: Ooh, that’s very good. Does it say Cock Blasters on it or is it like if you’re in the know you know?

HUDSON: No, it says Cock Blasters on it.

NICK: Great.

LAURA: Yeah. He said it says Cock Blasters.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: (reluctantly) Okay.

LAURA: Also, I have ‘we bangin’ in my notes as well, so that should tell you something about the quality of my notes.

NICK: They’re good notes.

LAURA: Also nipple clamps.

NICK: Mm-hmm. Very important.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Alright. We’ve made him sit here quietly long enough. For the next indeterminate amount of episodes, we’ll see how it goes, no pressure, we have our friend Austin here playing a guest character. Austin, who are you, do you have any plugs for the internet or social media you would like to say about, and what character are you playing today?

AUSTIN: Hi! I’m Austin. I’m playing a character today.

NICK: Great.

AUSTIN: My character’s name is Valorissia Creed. She’s a Human technician, and I have… There’s probably people on the internet, but I don’t care about them.

NICK: He also does not exist on the internet. You don’t care about the internet? No one on the internet?

AUSTIN: I don’t care about specific people on the internet. I like the internet.

NICK: Oh, okay.

LAURA: But we’re on the internet and we’re specific people.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna plug Tabletop Squadron. It’s a great podcast, and I’m happy to be participating today.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. Perfect. (laughs) Alright. Before we get started let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

AUSTIN: One dark side.

LAURA: Two dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh no.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

CAMERON: Guys!

HUDSON: Sorry. It was my fault.

NICK: Oh gosh.

LAURA: Actually, it was my fault. I rolled two, so…

CAMERON: It was mostly Laura’s.

LAURA: …that’s on me. In my defense, I rolled light side points for like the last ten episodes.

CAMERON: Listeners, Nick is making a very scary smile.

NICK: It’s gonna be fine.

LAURA: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

NICK: I’m sure it will be fine.

CAMERON: Which you can get, on a t-shirt, at Teepublic. Search Tabletop Squadron.

NICK: We plugged that earlier.

CAMERON: I know! But I’m plugging it right now!

LAURA: We can plug it again! Buy our merch!

CAMERON: I’m staring at Hudson’s shirt!

AUSTIN: Hudson is currently wearing a shirt that says ‘Tabletop Squadron, I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

CAMERON: In a lovely blue color.

LAURA: And he’s holding it out, towards his microphone, as if that’ll somehow do something.

(laughter)

CAMERON: And he dabbed.

LAURA: And he’ still dabbing. Oh god, I think he’s gonna die. Are you gonna show us the TikTok video now? Are you gonna put slime on us now? Please don’t.

NICK: Okay. Do we want to start the…? Okay! The last time we left off you went back to see Sentinel, explained the quests that you had completed, that you managed to get your ship off of that planet that you should have been able to leave right away but your ship blew up, collected some bounties, and he charged you with the task of picking up the next member of Beta Squad, someone that he said was named Valerissa, and he gave you coordinates to some sort of lab facility, and that was basically the information he had. Apparently the contact would not negotiate over coms and he sent you as representatives. Your mission is to offer this contact either a good chunk of money, which he didn’t tell you specifically how much but he—

CAMERON: Yes he did, 15,000.

NICK: Did he? Thank you.

LAURA: Even I have that in my notes.

CAMERON: And it’s for the good of the galaxy.

LAURA: And we can keep 50% if we haggle her down.

CAMERON: And we can bargain for to assist with what she needs.

LAURA: I also put a winky face. I’m not sure why. I think it was probably because you said something that I thought was somewhat of an innuendo, I think it was with haggling her down, but whatever it was I put a winky face. (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Next episode you all can do the summary. That was way more entertaining.

CAMERON: Also we picked up our gear, Xianna got laid…

LAURA: Oh yeah, my notes do say ‘we bangin’ next to Nolaa’s name. She’s officially on my ship list as confirmed. I do have a ship list in my notes.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: So it has the Afternoon Delight, a Mon Cal cruiser.

AUSTIN: Yeah. (laughs) I have a ship list too. They’re space ships.

LAURA: No, it’s called Shipping Manifest. There’s not that many names currently. There’s Falx, unlikely, Jorus, unlikely, Nolaa, confirmed.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Ooh, that’s fun.

CAMERON: Oh. Something else really big happened last episode. We woke up HK!

LAURA: Oh, we turned on the droid.

NICK: Oh yeah!

LAURA: I call him Hank. (laughs)

NICK: And you woke up the assassin droid, HK-67.

LAURA: Hank.

NICK: Hank… and—

CAMERON: HK.

NICK: And… so you have a new member of your crew, a highly deadly artificial intelligence. I was wondering why I had his stats in front of me.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

NICK: Alright! We begin with the Afternoon Delight snapping into normal space. A nearby star bathes the ship in its light, but there is almost no reflection off of the mat black night shadow finish. The light does catch the pin-up girl painted on the side making it look like she’s winking as the ship approaches the scientific facility that contains your contact, Valerissa, apparently. The station is made out of pieces of ships floating near to each other and tethered together with walkways. There is a large open space that looks like the ship hanger for a star destroyer but with the star destroyer removed, and you see several ships pulling through its ships to land. There is a spider web of transparesteel walkways leading away from the hanger and into other ship pieces. You see half a brightly lit Mon Cal cruiser, some smaller ships, even what looks like a dome made out of star fighter canopies.

When you pull in to land there is plenty of space. The hanger is less than half full with other portions of the ship taken up by craft that had been ripped apart. Engineers are arguing over a disassembled X-Wing. One of them is kicking what looks like a proton torpedo over and over again.

We get the crew walking out of the ship, heading across the hanger, and you see this sign that’s pointing at a desk that says Information Desk.

CAMERON: Boop-bwoop.

NICK: (smiling) You lock the ship. Okay.

CAMERON: (laughing) Yup.

LAURA: Xianna goes up to the information desk. Is there a bell to ring or is a person there?

NICK: Ha! Sucker. The desk is covered in dust and clearly hasn’t been used in years. Below that line on the sign, it says—(laughter) I laid a subtle trap. Below that line on the sign it says Science Labs and there are arrows pointing towards literally all nine of the tunnels that you can see in every direction. The rumble of a distant explosion gently shakes the hanger. The engineers don’t look up from their argument. Below all of that on the sign you can see a third addition taped to it that says Bar with an arrow pointing to a single, separate tunnel. What do you want to do?

LAURA: “Okie. This seems like way too much work. Nine tunnels is way too many to explore. I say we go to the bar and we tell Sentinel she just, she died or something.”

CAMERON: “Um… No?” (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay, but we could search for like the next six hours, or we could be drunk.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, I’m not vetoing the bar, I’m vetoing the second half where we just say that she’s dead and we leave.”

LAURA: “Do you think they will give us drinks in like to-go containers? Go to the bar first then explore.”

CAMERON: “Possibly. We could also ask the bartender if he knows which tunnel we should go down.”

LAURA: “Maybe they have those meter drinks that you get at bachelorette parties.”

CAMERON: “They probably have yard margaritas.”

LAURA: “Meters, because this is Star Wars…”

CAMERON: “Yeah, a yard.”

LAURA: “…and everything is in meters.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: “Uh-huh. Yeah. A yard.”

NICK: Nautolans use Imperial measurement, canon. The Nautolans lose ships a lot because they do it in Imperial and everybody else does it in metric.

CAMERON: No…

AUSTIN: Water measurements are different than space measurements.

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: But they do use Kelvin for temperature, which makes it even worse.

(laughter)

NICK: Oh boy.

LAURA: Because you see 0 degrees and you’re like okay, that’s not too cold, and then you die.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “From my planet, meters are actually spears of meat that are cooked.”

CAMERON: (snickers) “But they are exactly a meter long, so they do use those as forms of measurement.”

LAURA: “Meat her? I hardly know her… Heh.”

NICK: … Boo. So are you going to the bar? Is that what’s happening?

CAMERON: “yeah, so you meet her, because—Ugh. Okay.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Heh.”

NICK: Ick.

CAMERON: No. Laura’s doing a hand gesture, and no.

LAURA: I’m not. No I’m not. This is all getting cut. Whatever.

NICK: Are you going to the bar? Is that what you’re doing, or are you searching through this facility?

LAURA: We’re gonna go to the bar first, see if they have portable drinks.

CAMERON: Karma knows that her new crew children behave better if they’ve gone to the bar.

NICK: Okay. You walk through one of these transparesteel tunnels. You can actually see that this is a really large facility just cobbled together from a bunch of different space stations and half built ships and things like that. Everybody tell me one weird ship thing that has been turned into a building that you can see through the tunnel.

CAMERON: All of the ramps are made out of wing parts.

NICK: Yeah, okay. That’s cool.

CAMERON: When you’re flying on an airplane and they’re slowing down, the part of the wing pops up to add drag, they do that and it can like spring you so you don’t have to walk up, so if you’re a good jumper you can just spring.

NICK: (smiling) There’s weird mechanics in the stairs and ramps. Okay, cool.

CAMERON: Yeah, but they’re like trick steps. Watch out.

AUSTIN: There’s a meeting room with a TIE fighter wing sitting on the ground in the middle and then a bunch of TIE fighter pods around it in a circle, like the MIB interview room, but they’re also egg chairs as cockpits.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. That’s very cool. That room also takes up an entire hanger, because those are very big. They all wear the pilot headsets to talk to each other.

AUSTIN: You can fit like eight people in one of those things. They just gotta be very cozy.

NICK: So it’s like a team meeting room, it’s for big room planning situations.

LAURA: There’s one little section that’s just a bunch of cockpits from YT1300s and they’re all just connected so it’s like a spikey little ball.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: That’s all I have.

NICK: That’s cool.

HUDSON: There are… I don’t know ships. That’s the problem.

NICK: There’s like infinity ships, so just think space ships in general.

HUDSON: No, like the name of them is what I meant.

NICK: It doesn’t matter. Just describe what you want it to look like.

LAURA: He doesn’t know what any of them look like. Heh.

HUDSON: I don’t know what most of them look like, but I could say that there is a children’s playground with…

LAURA: There’s a ball pit, isn’t there? That’s what you’re gonna say? There’s a god damn ball pit.

HUDSON: So there’s a ball pit, but it’s made out of engine parts.

CAMERON: Ow.

NICK: Oh god.

HUDSON: So it’s not very comfortable. Only droids like it for some reason.

CAMERON: (smiling) Oh god…

AUSTIN: I mean, if they’re still balls they’re round enough. Or is it just like a scrap pit?

HUDSON: It’s kind of just a scrap pit they call a ball pit.

AUSTIN: Okay.

NICK: So, you’re walking through this tunnel, you go through some of these rooms or see them through doorways. When you pass the ball pit you see this really greasy fist punch into the air holding a specific sprocket. You expect to see a child and you see a 45 year old mechanic in a greasy jumpsuit. “That’s where they put this stupid thing!” and starts climbing out of the pit grumbling.

And you come to the bar. It’s an unmarked doorway. The only way you can tell it’s a bar is you hear music coming out of it and some different colored smokes and bar smell. Everybody knows bar smell. As you go in, the bar is like many of the other dive bars you’ve been to in your career. The room is dark and smoky, and you can see some large people in the back wearing mechanics coveralls playing Sabacc. The drinks appear to be served in lab beakers and test tubes. The bartender is a skinny Human man wearing a lab coat and goggles with white hair sticking out in every direction. He nods to you and salutes with a test tube that’s glowing green before handing it to a Jawa sitting at the bar. It’s robe is dangling off of the stool. You see some sort of laser dart board on the wall being used by a Dug—those are those weird aliens that walk on their hands and use their feet for hands—and a Mon Cal scientist. They’re arguing good-naturedly. In the corner there’s what looks like an anthropomorphic spider wearing a patched top hat that’s open on the top like a suit can and it’s playing four guitars right now, and it just sounds like a good bluegrass cantina song. Austin, where is your character sitting?

AUSTIN: I’m in the back room. I have a separate description for this.

NICK: Okay. Cool.

LAURA: Xianna’s already at the bar ordering drinks, and she goes up to the bartender like “Ello. Do you have any stoppers for the beakers?”

NICK: The scientist looks at you and gives you the hang on a second finger, and he looks back at the Jawa who’s shaking the empty test tube. “You’ve had enough! No more for you!” Then he turns back to you and says, “Yes, we have stoppers. Are you trying to get some to go?”

LAURA: “Yes. Okay. Let me get four drinks in the beakers. I don’t know what drinks you have, just something fun. Put stoppers in those and then two test tubes, and then whatever they want.”

HUDSON: “Get me a Shirley Temple! No alcohol.”

LAURA: “Oh, and I guess a Shirley Temple, no alcohol. He keeps flip-flopping on whether or not he is drinking.” (chuckles)

CAMERON: (chuckles)

HUDSON: “No. I’m keeping the edge this time.”

LAURA: “He’s keeping the edge… I don’t know.” Heh.

NICK: He’s been mixing drinks under the bar as you’re talking and you hear a lot of rattling of glass and everything, and then he pulls out some beakers that are already full and pops stoppers into them with both thumbs, and then he turns around and he fills the test tubes from some taps behind the bar and pops stoppers into those, and he hands them over to you. He’s got four of them between his fingers.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna takes the beakers and attaches them to her utility belt, because she does have that, so she now has four beakers on her belt and she takes the test tubes for herself and drinks those. I’m sure they’re like bright, fun, neon colors, right?

NICK: Oh yeah. They’re glowing. It looks like a rave.

LAURA: Oh, what am I doing to myself…

CAMERON: They all came out of the same tap in the back but they’re all different colors.

NICK: Ooh, yes, I like that. When you go to pay he says, “Oh no, these are just byproducts from an experiment anyway. They’re all for free. It’s a morale thing.”

CAMERON: (laughs nervously)

LAURA: “Oh! Thank you! Heh.”

NICK: At this point the Jawa swoons and falls off the barstool and is just lying on the ground pointing at the ceiling and giggling to itself.

LAURA: “This seems nice. So anyways, can you help me? I am looking for a person. Her name is, uh, Valerissa?”

NICK: “Uh… I would recommend against—“

LAURA: “No. It’s okay. You see, she just never called me back and I am trying to figure it out. She kept some things of mine and I would like them back. You know how that is sometimes.”

NICK: “So, uh, okay… Are you armed?”

LAURA: “Yes. Heh.”

NICK: “Oh- Oh… Keep that handy. I don’t know when the last time you talked to her was, but you’re gonna wanna… be… You’re bringing your new boyfriend with you, right?”

CAMERON: (snickers)

LAURA: “Oh no. That is not my boyfriend.”

CAMERON: Tink is just sitting there sipping his Shirley Temple.

(laughter)

LAURA: “It’s okay. This would not be the first time I’ve been shot this week, so whatever. Heh.”

NICK: “Okay, well…”

LAURA: “It will be fine,” and I wink at him.

NICK: He looks like he’s concerned but that he’s someone who lives in an anarchic space station. “If it turns to fighting—I really shouldn’t say if—just please take it outside into one of the hallways.”

LAURA: “Will do!”

CAMERON: Karma steps up behind Xianna and just crosses her arms and her sword and carbine are very visible.

NICK: “Oh. Okay. That should be fine. She’s in there.” He points and there’s like a bead curtain hanging over a doorway and you can hear some noise and stuff. The music gets louder.

LAURA: Xianna shoots the two test tubes, hands them back, salutes, and walks through the bead curtain.

CAMERON: Karma waves to the bartender and says thanks and then follows Xianna, grabbing Tink along the way, like looping arms with him.

HUDSON: I wave.

NICK: He moves his head like he’s winking but he’s wearing tinted goggles so you can’t tell.

LAURA: Xianna just walks right into the room. “Ello! Which one of you is Valerissa?! Heh.”

NICK: Okay. What does this room look like?

AUSTIN: So! It’s a biggish room. There’s a bunch of people all yelling, all facing toward the middle of the room. There is a space ping-pong table that takes up about the middle third and the middle third, so of a grid of nine it’s the middle… middle-middle.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: There’s two people playing space ping-pong. There’s a big elderly Bothan with a big, white mustache wearing a referee shirt standing on the side very carefully watching the ball go back and forth. On one side there is a Rodian that is playing table tennis and gently hitting the ball back trying to keep it on the table. On the other side there’s a very tall Human female. She’s playing real tennis on this table, so every time she hits the ball it’s almost across the room before the Rodian even notices, and the crowd is just going wild every time. You look up at the wall and you see the score counter is 4 to 20, so…

NICK: Heh.

LAURA: Nice.

AUSTIN: …it’s almost game point. No one hears you exclaim. They’re too busy watching the game.

HUDSON: There’s a crowd in this room?

AUSTIN: yes. There’s like 30 people squeezed around this table all cheering.

HUDSON: Oh nice.

AUSTIN: It’s like a college party watching people play beer pong, but it’s ping-pong.

CAMERON: (laughs) And there’s a ref.

AUSTIN: And there’s a ref.

LAURA: Xianna’s just gonna start walking around the room asking people where Valerissa is and drinking unattended drinks, you know…

NICK: Oof.

CAMERON: That’s safe.

LAURA: …like she does.

HUDSON: Wow. Living on the edge.

LAURA: Well, ones that she sees other people drink.

CAMERON: I feel like every single time you’ve ordered a drink you’re like no it’s very important only the bartender touched this, and now you’re just going around and drinking everyone else’s? (giggles)

LAURA: Well no, if they set them down she grabs them. That’s fine.

CAMERON: How do you know they didn’t roofie their own drink?

LAURA: That’s the point. Their drink is probably fine, it’s just you don’t let some strange guy turn around and then come back with your drinks. If they’re already drinking it you just take it from them and keep drinking. That’s so different.

CAMERON: (laughing) I feel like it’s not.

LAURA: (smiling)  This is Xianna logic. Their drink is probably fine.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna see this and make a note to talk to Xianna later.

HUDSON: I shake my head disapprovingly.

NICK: yeah. You’re stealing drinks, talking to people, you find a Gamorrean mechanic who is just wearing, it looks like just bandoliers, like everything is just tools. You say hey, we’re looking for Valerissa, and it does a (grumble bark) and then just points at one of the ping-pong players… that’s not the Rodian.

LAURA: I go back to Tink and Karma. “Okay. It is the ping-pong player, the Human.”

CAMERON: What is Valerissa wearing?

AUSTIN: She is wearing a blue work shirt, dark work pants, she has a bandana over her hair. She has short-ish red hair, a little bit of bangs.

CAMERON: Are you wearing one of the shop work suits that has your name sewn on it?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s got the… Yeah. The name patch just says Val.

CAMERON: Karma’s already noticed the name.

AUSTIN: Everything is covered in oil.

CAMERON: And Karma points at the same time Xianna starts to say it’s that one.

HUDSON: “She’s quite the looker.”

LAURA: “Well, I mean, they both are but we are going for the Human one.”

HUDSON: “Oh no, I know.”

LAURA: “Maybe wait until the ping-pong game is over?”

CAMERON: “It’s about to be.”

NICK: On that, there’s a smash, the ball hits the Rodian in the eye and the Rodian goes down, and then gets up. It’s speaking Huttese, but—I don’t know. Karma probably speaks Huttese.

CAMERON: Yeah! She’s a bounty hunter.

NICK: Anyone who speaks Huttese hears the Rodian throw the ping-pong paddle and be like “What the heck? You said friendly game!” and stomps out of the room, and everybody in the crowd goes (long disappointed groan).

LAURA: I’d assume Xianna speaks Huttese. I’m assuming  a lot of Twi’leks do.

NICK: Probably. That would make sense.

CAMERON: Ew.

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: Do you speak Jabba the Hutt’s language, Tink?

HUDSON: …

NICK: It’s not on your sheet.

LAURA: It’s not written.

HUDSON: Oh! I was about to say, did I put languages down?

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: No, language isn’t really like a…

NICK: This ain’t D&D.

HUDSON: I picked up some of it. I don’t know it very well.

NICK: You know how to cuss and ask where the library is?

HUDSON: And the bathroom.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah. Language in these books is sort of you assume that everyone can speak everyone else’s language unless it is comical to not. There is a legit section in the book where you just assume everyone speaks everyone else’s language, unless it would be fun not to.

CAMERON: And most of the ones, like, if you speak Wookie you understand Wookie but you speak Basic because your vocal cords aren’t set up the same way that a Wookie’s are.

(everyone tries Wookie noises, descending in quality)

NICK: Alright. The crowd starts to disperse a little bit. Were you playing for any particular prize or anything?

AUSTIN: I walk over to pick up my money from the old Bothan.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, so you see the person that has been identified as Valerissa picking up money.

LAURA: Xianna is immediately doing the little like shoulder slide. “Oh, ello,” to Valerissa.

AUSTIN: “SUP?! You here to fight or talk?!”

LAURA: Oh no. (laughs) “Um, talk? Mostly.”

AUSTIN: “Gah. No one ever wants to fight anymore.”

LAURA: “I mean, what do you mean by fight?”

AUSTIN: I put my fists up. “We can do it right here. Let’s just do it.”

LAURA: “Oh, oh, I thought that was maybe a code word for something. Never mind, um, talking… I think we have a mutual friend who has a job for you.”

AUSTIN: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

LAURA: “Sentinel?”

AUSTIN: I just walk past her. I go out to the bar.

LAURA: “Excuse me!” (laughter) “Excuse me, I was talking to you. I have a drink if you want it! I have drugs if you want it.”

HUDSON: “Hey buddy, she’s talking to you.” I grab her by the shoulder.

AUSTIN: I just push the hand off and keep walking.

LAURA: “Do you want to fight Tink? He’ll fight you. He was in a fight ring recently. He won.”

HUDSON: I push her in the back.

NICK: Ohh! (laughs)

CAMERON: Oh shit.

LAURA: “I think he killed a Wookie! Heh.”

AUSTIN: I turn around and look up a little bit, and then punch him in the stomach.

NICK: Alright, I guess we’re doing this~

(laughter)

CAMERON: Karma steps up, “Alright, we’re gonna have a good, clean fight.”

LAURA: Xianna immediately yells out, “I have 20 Credits on the Human!”

NICK: A Rodian that’s holding its eye comes charging back in through the door and takes your bet against the Human in Huttese, it just nods and does the hand gestures like a stock broker across the floor. I need Tink and Val to roll Cool for who actually goes first.

CAMERON: For this there’s not gonna be any difficulty.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

AUSTIN: A success and two advantages.

NICK: Alright. Valerissa goes first. Go ahead and roll me that there Brawl check.

AUSTIN: Alright, we’re gonna roll that there Brawl check.

NICK: For punching Tink in the stomach. SO Val whips around and just plants one in Tink’s tummy before he even knows what’s going on.

AUSTIN: She has a big grin on her face. She’s very excited to finally hit someone. Two successes.

NICK: Are you wearing your brass knuckles or are you just bare knuckle bossing)

AUSTIN: I’m bare knuckle. I didn’t even put them on yet. They’re in my pocket.

NICK: Okay. That’s 5 damage against Tink. Tink, what’s your soak?

HUDSON: Three.

NICK: So you take 2 damage. It’s your turn in the initiative. Val just punched you straight in the stomach. It was uncomfortable. What do you do, Tink?

HUDSON: I try to go up and do a big bear hug straddle.

CAMERON: (laughs) What?!

NICK: What does that mean? Like tackle her?

LAURA: Who knows what that means!

NICK: Are you tackling her, are you just trying to hug her, what are you doing?

HUDSON: Like hug and hold in a lock.

NICK: Alright, we’ll do a Brawl check for that. We’ll see what happens.

HUDSON: Guess how much I have in Brawl.

NICK: Zero.

LAURA: It’s all in Melee.

NICK: Two difficulty.

AUSTIN: I’m rolling three yellows, by the way, because I know how to fight.

LAURA: That’s why I put my money on you. Yeah.

HUDSON: Two successes, one disadvantage.

NICK: Threat?

HUDSON: One threat, yeah.

NICK: For two successes… There aren’t any grapple rules in Edge of the Empire, they’re just like roll Brawl and figure it out. Thanks guys. Are you trying to hurt her or just restrain her?

HUDSON: Restrain.

NICK: Okay. You grab her in a big Gigoran, totally not an albino Wookie, hug and pin her arms down by her side, and you’re very close together, and you’re stuck. You can try to break out or try to…

AUSTIN: I’m gonna sweep his legs.

NICK: He’s got you off the ground. He’s a lot taller than you.

AUSTIN: Well, he’s not that much taller than me, he’s like a foot taller than me.

NICK: Enough to pick you up, though. That’s part of the grapple.

AUSTIN: Let’s see, what maneuver am I gonna do here then…?

NICK: You could kick him in the kneecap. You can headbutt him.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’m gonna headbutt him.

LAURA: Just get him in the kidneys, right here.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna roll Brawl for this headbutt. He lifted me up to look him in the eye, and I’m still grinning while I’m doing this. That is, uh, nothing.

CAMERON: That’s a wash.

NICK: Okay. You try to headbutt him and you hit him in the translator.

CAMERON: And it feels very fluffy on your head.

(giggling)

NICK: The translator does a static crackle and then says, “horse, duck, snake, Wallace,” and then…

CAMERON: Wallace?

NICK: Yeah, weird glitch. (smiling) I don’t know why I said that.

AUSTIN: Well, it did just get headbutted.

NICK: Yeah. Tink, you’re up. What are you doing now? You got her restrained. She just tried to headbutt you in the face.

HUDSON: “You have beautiful eyes.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Oh god…

LAURA: “Tink! Stop giving her compliments and punch her! … Wait. No, no, no. Let her punch you!”

HUDSON: “Wait, what? I’m very confused now.”

LAURA: “I put money on her. I put my money on her. You have to lose.”

HUDSON: “Ohh. Oh, no.”

NICK: The Rodian is standing next to you and starts grumbling in Huttese about rigged bets.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: I turn to him like “Don’t worry, he does not listen to me anyways, so who knows.”

HUDSON: Is there a wrestling move where when you’re holding them you like body slam them? Is that just a body slam?

NICK: So, you have two options.

CAMERON: (laughing) You just wanna fall forward and land on her?

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: You have activated Nick’s secret background. He used to wrestle. Two options, you can either jump and just try to belly flop on top of her, like pull your arms out of the way and just be like I’m heavier than you, which would hurt, or if you can explain why you would know how to do this from your backstory, you can suplex her, which is you go over back the other way and make her head hit the ground before your shoulders hit, and that can seriously mess somebody up.

(laughter)

LAURA: Yeah, did you not watch Glow?

HUDSON: Oh yeah. So, I have a little bit of—I was never really good, but back in school I would do some amateur wrestling with the guys.

NICK: Is that why you were so good in that fight pit, is it was similar?

HUDSON: Yes.

LAURA: Well yeah, it’s an Imperial school, so they made you do at least some combat training.

NICK: Yeah, but when he says he did amateur wrestling with the guys I’m picturing like Insane Clown Posse backyard wrestling for YouTube stuff.

LAURA: Oh yeah, because it’s Tink, he would have definitely hung out with the weirdo kids.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay, you’re gonna suplex her?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: I’m gonna give you a blue die because you already have her grappled. Just gonna do it on the fly. Otherwise it’s versus two purple. Ooh wait, and I’m gonna flip a dark side point to upgrade one of your greens to a yellow.

HUDSON: You mean purples to a—

NICK: No. I’m upgrading his with a dark side point, because if he knocks out the contact that would be bad.

(laughter)

HUDSON: Two advantages? (laughs)

NICK: Okay, um… So I guess it doesn’t work. How do you dodge getting suplexed by this massive…?

AUSTIN: As he’s going back over his shoulder I break out of his arms and get my feet down on his legs and push off and jump across the room, so he still falls on the ground and then I just stand up and look at him. “Alright. That’s what I’m talking about.”

NICK: Can we spend the two advantages that you are sated from your blood lust for now or are you trying to knock this guy out?

AUSTIN: No, I gotta hit him one more time. (laughs)

LAURA: yeah. She’s gotta win. I have money riding on this.

NICK: What would you like to spend your advantages on?

CAMERON: I’d say probably don’t fall down.

HUDSON: Oh yeah, I wouldn’t fall prone.

NICK: From the suplex, you’re good enough, you roll back up onto your feet. No, you don’t kip up, you’re not that cool, you just keep going over backwards and—

CAMERON: You do a cool backwards summersault back up to your feet.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: I think Tink bumps into the crowd and they do the mob push him back into the middle thing.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Alright. What does Val do now?

AUSTIN: She goes for the solar plexus shot, which is about… shoulder height on her.

HUDSON: Go for the what?

AUSTIN: Solar plexus. I’m gonna knock the wind out of you.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

NICK: That’s the nerve cluster just below your sternum.

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s where your ribs come together.

HUDSON: Ohh.

NICK: It’s bad for you to get punched there.

CAMERON: Aw, that was almost a triumph.

AUSTIN: Three advantages and a failure.

NICK: Okay. So, Tink, you block it.

HUDSON: Yep.

NICK: I assume you just catch her fist in your big mit and don’t let it hit you.

HUDSON: Yeah, and I try to interlock our fingers but that doesn’t work out very well.

CAMERON: Heh. ‘Your hands are so soft.’

(laughter)

HUDSON: I don’t say that yet.

AUSTIN: He can’t even tell. He has fur.

NICK: He’s got pads on his hands.

CAMERON: He has hands, like there’s fur on the back, but he needs to be able to computers so he, like… it’s all touch screens.

NICK: And then for three advantages… I don’t even know. You can give yourself a couple blue dice.

CAMERON: Or give him a black die.

LAURA: Yeah, give him a black die. Can you make him fall prone?

CAMERON: No.

LAURA: No?

CAMERON: We’ve tried that before.

NICK: Even if that’s in the rules I don’t like that.

AUSTIN: Can I give him a black and give me a blue on my next one?

NICK: Yeah, those are options. Cool. So this is turning into a Matrix fight where everyone’s dodging everything and blocking things.

AUSTIN: And the crowd’s just all cheering around because they never get to see me fight anymore.

NICK: Yeah, because no one will fight you.

LAURA: Xianna’s getting upset though, because it seems kind of even. I never actually listed that I have sand in my pockets so I can’t just pocket sand Tink.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma just walks over to HK and leans an arm on his shoulder and leans against him.

AUSTIN: Oh, I guess HK walked in.

CAMERON: Yeah. HK’s been following us.

NICK: He’s been following the whole time. “Obvious Statement: The woman should have defeated your Wookie friend four times over by this point.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, he’s just getting lucky.”

NICK: The droid just kind of stares. It does this weird thing where it just stands perfectly still and you wonder if it’s off or if the audio hit, and it just is staring not doing much. Tink, you’re up.

HUDSON: “Alright. What do I get if I beat you?”

AUSTIN: “Maybe I’ll talk to you.”

HUDSON: “Good enough.” I go in for a roundhouse kick.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Roundhouse!

HUDSON: Roadhouse!

LAURA: Roadhouse. Heh.

NICK: Did you take your black die?

HUDSON: No. Is that just an upgrade?

NICK: The black just gets added. The black die that Val added from her cool moves.

HUDSON: Three failures…

LAURA: Those go away.

HUDSON: Three failures.

NICK: Yeah. Roundhouse kick does not work even a little bit. I think you pull your hip slightly because you go too high.

HUDSON: “(groans)

AUSTIN: I just duck, and it goes entirely over me and he trips on the other side.

NICK: Yeah. He does not fall, but he is a little off balance. You’re just moving faster than Tink is. He just hasn’t adjusted. Most of the people you fought have been your size or wearing heavy armor, Tink, so this is different for you to be fighting someone who’s light on their feet.

CAMERON: (laughing) Also you’re not a brawler.

HUDSON: I’m not good. I have nothing in Brawl!

(laughter)

CAMERON: He’s like well normally I’d hit with my axe right now and be really badass, but I guess since I can’t use that, I’ll kick her.

NICK: Tink’s doing a lot of the moves that he would use with his axe, because when you have an axe that big you can throw punches and kicks and things to put them into position for the axe. So, he throws that huge kick and normally when they duck then you have the axe behind it and they’ve already dodged so you can hit them, but you don’t have your axe so you’re just like well crap. Alright Val, you’re up.

AUSTIN: Alright. Oh, I have a blue die this time, because I had advantages last time. I’m just gonna go for… I’m just gonna grab his fur on his chest and sweep both of his legs at once, and just put him on the ground.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay.

AUSTIN: There we go. Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: If you take two of those successes I’ll let you knock him prone. That would be 4 damage and then an advantage that you can use for, like, a blue die on your Intimidation check or if you want to just Kali Maa this guy. I don’t know what your plan is.

AUSTIN: (laughs) I’m just gonna hit him until he stops trying to stand back up. He doesn’t need to be… Actually, I’m just gonna tell him that. “I’m just gonna keep hitting you until you stop standing back up, so whenever you’re ready to give up just let me know.”

HUDSON: “(chuckling) You are a little rascal.”

(laughter)

NICK: So we have Val standing over Tink and Tink starts to get up and she just plants a fist in his chest. Did you take your damage?

HUDSON: I did.

NICK: You start to get up and Val does it again. It’s your turn. What do you wanna do?

LAURA: “(quietly) Tink, just lose~!”

HUDSON: “Shut up!” (laughter) I try to grab the fist and throw them over me.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Go for it.

LAURA: “Tink, I have money on this.”

HUDSON: “I have my pride.”

NICK: You also have the option you can do, if you could grab a chair leg or a bottle you could suddenly be armed, but that takes it away from being a friendly bar fight. … That’s actually pretty good.

HUDSON: Two successes.

NICK: So that’s 5 damage going towards Val.

CAMERON: Nope!

AUSTIN: What a coincidence. I have a Soak 6.

(laughter)

HUDSON: (chuckling) Oh no…

CAMERON: Nothing happens!

AUSTIN: Just a no sell. It just hits me and I go, “Alright. That was a pretty nice shot.”

NICK: Tink does like an elbow lock and is able to toss you over his shoulder and he gets up and he planted a palm in your chest to make you stumble back and you don’t give any ground, and seems relatively un-phased there.

LAURA: Can Xianna say, take a drink off a table and spill it right where Tink is standing?

NICK: yes. Do you want this to be sneaky?

LAURA: Oh yeah, this is gonna be sneaky.

NICK: So this is Skulduggery as hell. This is the very definition of Skulduggery.

LAURA: Skulduggery? Cool. Yeah. I can do that.

NICK: Poor Tink. You told him to fight.

LAURA: Yeah, because I had money.

AUSTIN: 20 Credits on the line.

CAMERON: Karma’s watching, because she was reffing, so if she’s successful can I do a Perception check to see if I see her do it?

NICK: You sure can.

AUSTIN: This is no longer a nice, clean fight.

LAURA: What would be the difficulty?

NICK: Everyone’s distracted. Tink, what’s your Perception score? We’ll do it against Tink specifically.

HUDSON: Two.

LAURA: Can I get a blue die because he’s in a fight?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Oh! Ooh boy. So that is a triumph with a success and four more successes.

NICK: Wow. Yeah.

LAURA: Turns out I’m sneaky.

NICK: You can roll your Perception check if you want, but…

CAMERON: I’ll try it. We’ll see.

NICK: …with the triumph and four successes, I’m gonna say this is daunting difficulty.

CAMERON: So four?

NICK: Yeah, and one of them is red.

CAMERON: There you go, Austin. We had talked about this. Can I get a blue die since I was watching specifically though?

NICK: Since you were actively refereeing and probably were watching Xianna specifically for cheating, you can have a blue die, (laughter) but she’s still that good.

CAMERON: My purples came out poorly. No, three failures.

NICK: Three failures. Not only do you miss Xianna tossing the drink but Val gets in a pretty solid eye gouge while you’re not looking.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Tink’s in a bad way.

LAURA: I want to use that to give Tink a setback die and give Val a boost die.

NICK: Yeah, I think that’s fair. Honestly, with the triumph, you can have this do something more impactful than that if you would like.

CAMERON: Tink peed again.

LAURA: Tink falls prone.

NICK: Yeah. That’s fair. Tink will fall prone.

LAURA: Tink falls prone and now also has a setback die.

NICK: Yeah. That’ll be two blue dice for Val because he’s on the ground. I think the way this works out is the drink you grab is in one of those beakers and you throw it and it’s super viscous and slippery. It’s like vegetable oil consistency for some reason. There’s a Trandoshan that hisses at you, it was drinking some sort of weird blood oil mixture, but it’s super-duper slippery and Tink immediately just cartoon arms everywhere hits the ground.

HUDSON: W-W-Whoa~!

NICK: Smack.

LAURA: Scooby Doo sound effects.

(dramatic bass noise)

NICK: We’re gonna just say Val you get to go again at this point. We’re playing it fast and loose with the friendly bar fight.

AUSTIN: Here we go! I’m gonna strike a pose, I’m gonna give the audience the make some noise gesture…

NICK & HUDSON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: …and then I’m just gonna drop the People’s Elbow on him.

LAURA: Yes~!

(laughter)

AUSTIN: Two successes and an advantage.

NICK: That’s 5 damage coming at you, Tink. It’s actually pretty comfortable. It’s probably the most comfortable People’s Elbow you’ve ever dropped, because he’s a big fluffy dude.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: You hear a slight crack as you drop your full weight onto him.

AUSTIN: There’s a fair amount of weight behind that one.

NICK: Yeah. Tink, she just caved in your chest a little bit. Whatcha doing man?

HUDSON: “(coughs, wheezes)”

AUSTIN: “Are you ready to give up? I’ve had enough fun. I might be willing to talk now.”

HUDSON: “Oh, really? Ugh… Uncle.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I look at the Rodian. “Okay~ 20 Credits, please.”

NICK: The Rodian says “ee-chuta” and just drops the credits on the ground and stomps away.

AUSTIN: In the crap that she spilled.

CAMERON: And it’s all in pennies, in credit equivalent of pennies.

NICK: Yeah, and it’s all slimy now. As the Rodian is leaving it walks past some flowers but they’ve been dead a really, really, really long time in a vase. They’re like preserved potpourri flowers. It gets a spine in its other eye and (shouts in pain) and then walks into the wall, and just grumbles and stumbles out.

CAMERON: Aw.

LAURA: “That is what you get for being rude.”

NICK: It didn’t lose the eye. It just got something in its eye again. It’s just having a rough day.

CAMERON: Aw, okay.

NICK: Poor Rodian.

AUSTIN: I stand up and I help Tink back up. I’m happy to help him back up now the fight’s done.

HUDSON: “Alright. Good fight. Good fight.”

NICK: Everyone around in the crowd goes (long disappointed groan), and they go to play ping-pong but seeing not Val and this Rodian play space ping-pong it’s obvious that space ping-pong is much, much harder than they made it look, because you see a couple of drunk guys trying and the ball never leaves the table and they miss constantly and it’s very sad. The crowd starts to disperse and go back to the main bar.

AUSTIN: I gesture to the bartender. “Hey Doc, give me a Crashing Wave.”

LAURA: Oh no… Oh no…

(laughter)

AUSTIN: “You guys ever heard of a Crashing Wave?”

LAURA: “No I have not. What is it?”

AUSTIN: “It’s one of Doc’s specialties. You know when you’re out at the beach and you go out playing in the water and you get a big wave that just crashes on you and you get a bunch of salt water up your nose and you don’t know which way is up anymore?”

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I love that feeling.”

AUSTIN: “It’s just like that in a drink.”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. That sounds awesome!”

AUSTIN: “I had Doc work it up just for me, because I kind of can’t leave the asteroid very easily and I kind of miss planets.”

CAMERON: “Another one please.” (giggles)

LAURA: “No idea what that means. Okay.”

NICK: The bartender, Doc, takes one of the beakers and takes a Nos canister and plugs it in, and then—This is all things that you won’t have to emulate.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Laura’s like, oh I know.

NICK: Do you have a preferred color or anything you’re thinking about, Laura?

LAURA: Well, if it’s a Crashing Wave it’s gotta be blue-ish.

AUSTIN: It’s salty and it’s strong.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Is there salty alcohols?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: He connects the air canister and fills it up and then inverts that into some sort of carafe of blue alcohol, and then turns it over and it filters through. He puts a cap in it and then he takes out a syringe of what looks like clear fluid and sticks it in the top and slowly injects it, very slowly, while watching a stop watch like that’s going to make a difference, and then when it’s done he takes it very carefully and pours it into two glasses and slides them on the bar. There’s a little left and he dumps it out in the sink behind the bar and it goes (boom). “Well, that went better than last time. I’ll put it on your tab, Val,” and he goes to sit down.

AUSTIN: “Yeah, no problem, Doc. Thanks.” I pick mine up and I cheers.

CAMERON: Yeah. Karma will grab the other one.

NICK: It makes a sound like black cats when you knock them together, just for a second like it’s destabilizing a little.

HUDSON: What does that—Wait, what?

AUSTIN: Like the fireworks.

CAMERON: No, the fireworks.

HUDSON: Ohh!

(laughter)

LAURA: I was imagining (angry cat noise). Hudson and I both imagined holding two black cats and then smooshing them together, which is weird because when we smoosh our kitties together we go fight, fight, fight, kiss, kiss, kiss, and then we make them kiss.

CAMERON: You have to make them kiss!

LAURA: Also, if it’s Fry, Fry will immediately try to grab the other cat in a little hug and hold them and lick their ears, and it’s very cute and Lilo hates it.

NICK: Poor Fry.

LAURA: Fry just wants to be friends with everyone.

NICK: It makes a sound like the black cat fireworks crackling, like it’s destabilizing.

CAMERON: Ohh…

NICK: You know, like two black cats you’re trying to have make out for some reason.

HUDSON: Bad luck. Bad luck.

CAMERON: What size of a drink is this? Is this like a shot or a tumbler?

AUSTIN: It’s in like a tumbler. It’s not a shot but it’s not the big tall one.

CAMERON: Oh, okay. It’s a sipping drink.

AUSTIN: It’s a sipping drink.

LAURA: A sipping beaker.

AUSTIN: It’s like a two-a-night and you’re good for the next two days drink.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Oh shit. Okay. Cool. (laughs)

AUSTIN: “I just really like it because it, you know, it tastes just like the oceans back on Lianna, and I haven’t gotten to go there in like three, four years now and it just sucks.”

CAMERON: Karma tastes it and it tastes like ocean when it gets up your nose. (laughs)

NICK: Mm-hmm. Burny-salty.

CAMERON: “Ah, that’s so good!”

NICK: Ooh. Do Nautolans care if salt water gets up their nose?

CAMERON: No.

NICK: So then now you know what it’s like for a Human to get salt water up their nose.

CAMERON: “(smiling) Oh, that feels so weird!”

NICK: (smiling) You’ve never experienced that.

CAMERON: “Is this what y’all feel like all the time?”

LAURA: “I don’t know. What are you looking at me for?”

CAMERON: “I was just wondering. Have y’all ever breathed salt water into your nose?”

LAURA: “No…”

HUDSON: “Can’t say I have.”

LAURA: “Well, there was this one time when I got into an aquarium once. I think it was a salt water aquarium. I don’t remember if I got water up my nose. I am assuming it’s, uh… I’ve put other things up my nose, though.”

CAMERON: “That’s true. Yeah. Okay.”

LAURA: “I think I got you. Okay.” Xianna’s taking one of her belt drinks and unplugging it and drinking that now.

NICK: Well now I’m picturing—Was that a date with your Herglic girlfriend, breaking into an aquarium at night to go swimming?

LAURA: Oh, probably. It was either that or one of those drunken ‘I’ma get in the fish tank. Okay, I’m going to be a fishy.’

CAMERON: ‘I want that fish. I am stealing zat feesh!’

LAURA: ‘I am going to steal that fish.’

CAMERON: ‘Eets gonna be my little feesh and I shall call it squeeshy.’

LAURA: ‘It looked at me weird. I am going to hit that fish.’ Probably one of those. Who knows.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Cool. You’re at the bar. You all have beverages of choice.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna wave them back to a booth. “You guys got me in a good mood now. This is the first good fight I’ve had in a couple of weeks. For some reason no one on the station wants to fight me anymore.”

CAMERON: “That is so weird.”

AUSTIN: “It’s just lame. I gotta wait for off-worlders.”

NICK: We get a close-in shot of Val’s knuckles and they’re like ropey and covered in scars from having been split over and over and over again. ‘I can’t imagine why.’

CAMERON: Just a lot of calluses.

LAURA: “yes. I only had to somewhat cheat on that one.”

AUSTIN: “Wait.”

HUDSON: “Wait, what?”

AUSTIN: “Wait, what?!”

LAURA: “What?” (laughter) “Oh, don’t worry about it. You won, so… I just sped things up. It’s not like I really truly rigged the fight. I just helped it move along a little faster. If none of you noticed then it’s fine. Anyways…”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “We have a job for you, I guess, for Sentinel.”

AUSTIN: “Wait. You’re not here just for me to fix your ship and put a bunch of mods on to make it go really fast and make it explode?”

LAURA: “Oh, no.”

CAMERON: “I mean, you’re welcome to do that too—Not the explode part.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Up until that make it explode part I was on board.”

AUSTIN: “It’ll be a controlled explosion.”

CAMERON: “I’m still good.”

LAURA: “Can we get fireworks out the back? Like if we press a button fireworks come out the back of the ship?”

AUSTIN: “You know, I bet I could put something together for that. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Because that would seem very fun.”

AUSTIN: “That would be a real fun challenge.”

CAMERON: “Nope. No—“

LAURA: “Because what if it’s your birthday and you want to shoot off fireworks out the back of your ship?”

AUSTIN: “I mean, you could also shoot fireworks out of the guns.”

LAURA: “You can shoot fireworks out of anywhere. Do you have fireworks to sell? Like little ones?”

AUSTIN: “No…”

CAMERON: Karma just looks at Tink, and is like “What?!” (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh, no little fireworks?”

AUSTIN: “I’ve got big fireworks. Little fireworks are just not fun enough because they don’t…”

LAURA: “I know, but if I have little fireworks…”

AUSTIN: “…you want to feel the explosion in your chest as you get thrown against the back wall.”

LAURA: “But if I have little fireworks I can shoot them off inside the ship and it would be fun…”

CAMERON: “Xianna, no.”

LAURA: “…and then we go shoot off big fireworks.”

AUSTIN: “But if you shoot off the big fireworks in the ship then the ship is the firework.”

CAMERON: “No.”

LAURA: “But you got to have little fireworks while you are setting up the big fireworks!”

AUSTIN: “But you could just do all big fireworks!”

LAURA: “But then what do you do while you are setting them up?”

AUSTIN: “You light off the other fireworks. And then you drink.”

LAURA: “I guess, okay. Okay. Yeah, I guess so. Makes sense. Anyways. Yeah, so we have a job. Do you know Sentinel? It sounded like you knew him when he told us.”

AUSTIN: “Nope. Never heard of him.”

LAURA: “Do you know a guy, an older man…”

AUSTIN: “There’s a lot of older men.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I know what you mean.”

AUSTIN: “I’m very popular.”

LAURA: Xianna winks and finger guns at her. “I bet you are.”

HUDSON: I’m like, oh I know why.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay. So no one has approached you for a job?”

AUSTIN: “I do a lot of jobs. I’m a mechanic. I fix people’s ships and then make them not explode.”

LAURA: “It was like to join a crew or something.”

AUSTIN: “People always want me on their crew. I’m a mechanic.”

LAURA: “Did you get a mysterious holo vid of a man? It probably would have only been chest up.”

AUSTIN: “Oh, that guy.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I think maybe he has a blanket. He has like robes…”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I told him to fuck off because he wasn’t paying me enough.”

LAURA: “What was he offering you?”

AUSTIN: “Credits.”

LAURA: “yes, but how many credits?”

AUSTIN: “I don’t need credits out here.”

LAURA: “Oh. What do you need?”

AUSTIN: “I just need parts.”

HUDSON: “Companionship?”

AUSTIN: “No.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Aw.

LAURA: “What kind of parts?”

AUSTIN: “Ship parts. Specifically the most rare and impossible to find ones, that I could possibly squeeze into a ship three sizes too small.”

NICK: Like the Grinch.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Well, I don’t know if I can personally help you with that one, unless you want drugs or a nice cross-stitch. I don’t know… We could always steal the ship parts for you.”

AUSTIN: “What kind of skills do you guys have? Because I may have a little bit of intel that, well, we can’t discuss in this bar, but if you guys actually know what you’re doing and this Sentinel guy is maybe a little bit trustworthy, because I guess he sent you here to recruit, I might have something I could have you do for me.”

CAMERON: Karma points at HK the assassin droid standing behind her. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna points at Tink and Karma. “These two, as you can see, they fight. Hank over there, he shoots things I think. He is an assassin droid. You know what they do. Tink is also good with the slicing.” Xianna just starts pulling out all the glasses she’s stolen over this thing out of her pockets and just starts setting them. “And as you can see I am sneaky.”

HUDSON: “Dirty thief.”

LAURA: “I am a dirty, sneaky thief and I steal the things. Yes. I mean, you didn’t even realize I was rigging the fight, so very sneaky.”

NICK: HK’s head rotates five degrees to the right. “Exclamation: Boss Man, will you be needing me to exterminate organics soon?”

HUDSON: “No, you’re fine, HK.”

NICK: “Sad Statement: It has been so long since I watched the light leave an organic’s eyes,” and then it goes back to standing quietly.

CAMERON: “We can maybe find you somebody, HK. I’ll be on the lookout for you, buddy.”

AUSTIN: “Does your droid buddy know how to fist fight?”

LAURA: “No. I think they just shoot, pew-pews.”

CAMERON: “HK, how’s your brawling?”

NICK: (chuckles)

CAMERON: “If one were to, I don’t know, put it in a level of rankings from one to five, approximately where would you say you are?”

NICK: You notice that on the droid’s back is this giant, tricked out super rifle. The droid holds up its hands and says, “Humorous Observation: I have baby hands.” (laughter) It has very spindly limbs and delicate looking hands and fingers, and it just goes back to standing there.”

LAURA: “Aw Hank. Hank…”

AUSTIN: “I have to actually try if I’m fighting people with guns, and then you guys get hurt.”

LAURA: “Hank, your hands look fine. They are not baby hands. They are just weird, creepy, old man hands.” Heh.

NICK: “Suspicious Statement: Thank you for your reassurance.” It just tucks its hands behind its back.

LAURA: “Okay. Do we have to go somewhere more quiet?”

AUSTIN: “What kind of past experience do you guys have? This is not gonna be one of your run of the mill missions. Last time I tried to run one of these with a crew that I didn’t know I ended up hiring the Red Radical Rodians, and they were just ridiculous.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Oh, yes…

AUSTIN: “They went out trying to pick up a piece of salvage and they came back with half of a laser blaster and had the audacity to demand payment. So I paid them with fists, and then we had a good deal and we went our separate ways.”

CAMERON: Karma just pulls up her bounty hunter profile and slides the data pad across the table.

NICK: It’s extremely impressive.

AUSTIN: “Hmm?” I’m scrolling through the list. “Hmm. Hmm! Oh, nice!”

NICK: There’s a whole section that just says Redacted for like four years.

(laughter)

LAURA: “We blew up a star destroyer the other week, I think. Yeah, that was us.”

AUSTIN: “Well that sounds like quite the feat.”

CAMERON: Was that like two weeks ago?

LAURA: “I’ve stolen many things. Technically I am dead, so… I am not wanted anymore. So bonus.”

HUDSON: Can I do a Computers check to hack her phone remotely while we’re standing there?

NICK: Uhh…

CAMERON: Are you both on the bar’s Wi-Fi?

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah? We’ll say that.

AUSTIN: You could put it on the banner on the wall, like the digital banner scrolling past.

NICK: The thing that’s hard is it’s 70s technology, except when it isn’t, and it gets a little touchy. Because we have a slicer extraordinaire I like to kind of default to more Shadow Run style hacking. So yeah, slice away.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Would your personal com have encryption on it? You’re more of a mechanic type though.

AUSTIN: Well, yes, because I worked very closely with an electronics person in the past and she would have set it up.

NICK: Okay. So someone else did a pretty solid job, so difficulty would be hard.

AUSTIN: Yeah, but I don’t know really that much about it.

NICK: With a black die because it’s wireless.

HUDSON: I have Bypass Security. I get to remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable security devices or open a locked door.

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: And you have an outlaw tech data breaker.

NICK: Which is two blue dice.

AUSTIN: Do you have to stab that into the thing or can you just wave it in the air?

NICK: We’ll say it’s wireless.

LAURA: He could use it from his end. Yeah.

AUSTIN: He stabbed it into his data pad.

NICK: It’s too many dice!

(laughter)

HUDSON: It’s too many dice! Okay.

LAURA: Oh god. Remember when we played Seventh Sea?

(laughter)

NICK: So many d10s.

HUDSON: Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: Alright, you’re in. What are you trying to do?

HUDSON: I want to replace whatever the home screen is with a dancing droid and really annoying music that they cannot turn off unless they restart their phone.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. You do that.

HUDSON: “Why don’t you uh, check your, check your phone there.”

NICK: Com.

HUDSON: Oh, yeah.

LAURA: I imagine you just hear wherever her com is—

CAMERON: The com just starts playing music.

LAURA: Yeah. Her com just starts playing music wherever it is on the outfit.

AUSTIN: I take it out and look at it, and then look at Tink…

HUDSON: I nod up and down.

AUSTIN: …and then look at Karma.

CAMERON: Karma points at Tink. (laughs)

AUSTIN: I look back at Tink. (laughs)

LAURA: Everyone points at Tink.

HUDSON: “Yeah, I’m good.”

CAMERON: HK points at Tink.

NICK: With his now canonically small hands.

CAMERON: Yup. He does finger guns and says ‘Boss Man~!’

NICK: Oh wait. Wait, I got this… “Diagnosis: Boss Man has leet hacker skills. Explanation: He told me to say that.”

HUDSON: “So uh, yeah, I can slice around a bit.”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, that’s pretty good. Alright. I think we can take this back to the garage then. It’s gonna be a really long walk. You know, this is a real maze of a station and it takes a lot of seniority to get good spots next to the bar.” I lead them out and we go across the hallway and then into the garage.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. I’m assuming your garage entrance is like a big vehicle blast door situation.

AUSTIN: And there’s a little door on the side.

NICK: I think what we do is the little door opens and the crew walks in. is it impressive looking?

AUSTIN: The lights are off.

NICK: Oh. And the lights are off.

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: You turn the lights on, and is it impressive looking?

AUSTIN: Not really. There’s a lot of piles of random stuff. There’s walking pathways everywhere, and you can tell there’s a little bit of organization, but as far as what pile stuff is in and not within the pile.

NICK: Okay, so… You walk in, the lights are off, we get the whole crew in the dark. Val flips the switch and the lights all turn on, and we get just the shot of the crew with the door behind them, and everybody looks vaguely confused… (leading)

(obviously and humorously edited to pretend it wasn’t coordinated)

HUDSON: “What the heck?”

LAURA: “What the heck?”

CAMERON: “What the heck?”

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode. Da-naaa~!

OTHERS: Da-naaa~!

LAURA: …oh, oh~

OTHERS: For the longest time~!

HUDSON: For the long—

(laughter)

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes on our website and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.