Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 1:
The First Day is the Hardest

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking Laelap5 for their very kind review. Thank you for listening, and we’re glad you’re enjoying the show.

This week marks the beginning of Season 2 for Tabletop Squadron! We hope that you enjoyed the solo episodes with all the crew and are excited to share their new adventures with you. Thanks for coming along for the ride, and if you’re new to the show, welcome! This is a great jumping-on point, and we have a recap before this to get you up to speed.

Music credits and content warnings for this episode can be found in the show notes.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2, Episode 1!

ALL: Woo!

NICK: Wow… Gosh. Season 2. Neat.

HUDSON: We made it!

NICK: Yep… we sure did, whatever “it” is.

HUDSON: Flying through space, with all the adventures.

LILIT: [giggles]

NICK: I’m your hosting game master, Nick. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody say who you are, what character you’re playing today, and your character’s pronouns, starting with… Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. My name is Hudson Jameson. I’ll use my last name this time.

NICK: Bold move.

LILIT: Ooh.

CAMERON: Whoa. [laughs]

HUDSON: I know. Don’t come find me on the internet.

CAMERON: It’s not like I say your name in the outro every time. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs] That’s true. My character name is Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and my pronouns are he/him, and I upgraded two of my stats. I put a point in Mechanics, and I put one point in Medicine, because between Seasons 1 and 2 I actually studied a real website on medicine.

LILIT: Huh.

NICK: Who, Tink or Hudson did?

HUDSON: Tink.

NICK: Oh, okay.

[laughter]

NICK: Next up we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. My pronouns are she/her/they/them, and Xianna’s pronouns are she/her. I also put points into things. I bought a rank of Athletics, because…

CAMERON: Smart.

LILIT: …I need that, and then a rank in Knowledge: Outer Rim.

NICK: Great. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. Both mine and Karma’s pronouns are she/her. I burned through my XP real quick and bought an additional talent tree.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: So I have added the marauder talent tree from the hired gun career, and then I bought two talents on that tree. I bought a rank of Toughened, so my wound threshold went up by 2, and then I bought another rank of Lethal Blows, so now any time I crit I add 30.

NICK: Normally in the episode this would be where we did a recap. What I can say is that we just finished everybody’s solo adventure in between the first and second season. Karma assisted a gangster in messing with the Imperial economy, Xianna blew up a drug lab at the behest of a burgeoning smuggler and new ally, and Tink rescued a ballet theater.

HUDSON: Yup.

NICK: So, before we get started on this new Season 2 adventure, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

CAMERON: Thank you, Hudson, saving the day.

NICK: So what’s that bring us to?

CAMERON: Three dark side, two light side?

NICK: Eh, not too bad. Jumping into the adventure.

[slow groovy music begins]

NICK: We open on a close-up of an older Human man. He has salt and pepper hair down to his shoulders swept back from his face and a goatee. His face is dirty and bruised, and he opens his eyes to look around. The man is sitting in a simple wheelchair and wearing a grayish-blue jumpsuit. The room he’s in is small and appears to be made out of poured duracrete. This is Sentinel, and he appears to be captured. As he looks around his environment he has only one thing to say.

NICK (as Sentinel): Kriff.

[slow groovy music ends]

NICK: Lilit! Please describe your character and her surroundings.

[smooth electronic music begins]

LILIT: Xianna is a purple Twi’lek with gray, swirly tattoos on the ends of her lekku. She is 1.71 meters or approximately 5’6” tall. That is the height in heels.

NICK: Oh…

LILIT: She is actually a little bit shorter than that without shoes.

NICK: Xianna, it’s been about six months since your last big job, the shipyard incident. What have you been up to, and what are you doing in your current location?

LILIT: She is wearing a black trench coat and black knee-high boots. Sitting in one of the pockets that is hidden into the coat is a little orange loth-rat, and there are flashing lights and fog and just deafening noise and people running everywhere, and Creamsicle the loth-rat has a tiny little glow stick.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Aw.

LILIT: And is bouncing up and down in the coat as Xianna is dancing away at a nightclub.

[electronic music ends]

NICK: You’re approached out of the fog by a golden protocol droid. He waddles towards you and tries to appear nonchalant, which is difficult because they don’t have a lot of mobility in their joints.

NICK (as droid): Hello, Xianna’fan. We have met before. Do you remember me?

LILIT (as Xianna): [shouting] What? I cannot hear you. The music is too loud.

NICK: His head tilts to the side and back and forth.

NICK (as droid): [projecting slightly] Xianna’fan, can you hear me? Do you remember me? We have met before.

NICK: And is starting to wiggle their arms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, we have danced before? Okay! [giggles]

NICK (as droid): Xianna. Xianna. I am no longer going by my former designation, but you can call me Cappy. Hello? Can you hear me?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if I know that dance~!

NICK (as Cappy): Xianna, would you like a job? I am here to offer you a job.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, no, I am not selling. I only buy.

NICK: The droid looks confused for a second and then types into a data pad that it’s been holding and flips it around, and it says are you in need of employment, question mark, and then like dollar sign, dollar sign, dollar sign emoji, and the droid wiggles it in front of your face.

CAMERON: Please translate that whole sentence into emojis.

NICK: Stock go up question mark sign.

LILIT: [giggles] A bunch of the little job people emojis with various hats in a row. Question mark. Bags of money. Question mark.

NICK: There you go. That. [laughs] He holds up the data pad.

LILIT: She’s like…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohhh!

LILIT: …and then looks down at Creamsicle and does a little hand signal and Creamsicle dives into the pockets and then comes back without any credit sticks, just the little glow stick.

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! I do!

NICK (as Cappy): Wonderful.

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from that party. Cameron, why don’t you give us a quick description of Karma?

CAMERON: Karma is a green Nautolan. She has 14 head tails. She is 37 years old, approximately 5’7”. She has black galaxy eyes. She wears a red headband on her head holding her head tails back, and she has several gold bangles on various head tails, and she wears armor.

NICK: Okay, cool. So, after six months of mostly working solo, how’s Karma doing? What have you been up to?

CAMERON: Karma has been doing a lot of small-time jobs, trying to avoid Empire-sponsored bounties. She spent quite a bit of time on Corellia prior to her mission with Kettle and then has not gone back since then, she doesn’t know how that would go, but has been just going around to places like Nerftown, showing up, collecting all of their bounties, walking into the sunset, just kind of on repeat.

NICK: Why are you where you are now and where is that?

CAMERON: I am on a small moon in a town called Banthatown, and I have traveled from Dewbacktown to collect a bounty in Banthatown. [laughs] So I’m arriving at a saloon, and I kick open the two swinging doors and walk in. the room gets silent and the camera starts panning up from the floor, slowly going up Karma’s fancy new armor.

NICK: Huh. Karma has fancy new armor.

CAMERON: [smiling] Karma has fancy new armor.

NICK: What does it look like?

CAMERON: So, picture an RPG fantasy video game dragon hide armor.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And it is that. Pretty smooth through the legs with just a few spikes coming out with the scales, and chest plate is pretty scaled, but it is still black armor. She’s still wearing really tall butt-kicking boots, but the armor now has a slight raven’s feather sheen to it where it kind of goes between the black and the dark green.

NICK: Does Karma have a helmet?

CAMERON: Karma does not have a helmet.

[modern western style music begins]

NICK: Okay. Cool. You open up the door to this saloon and we hear a plinky piano come to a stop and everybody looks up to see who’s done this. As you survey the room, a golden protocol droid wanders out of the middle of the bar towards you.

NICK (as Cappy): Karma Nailo! A pleasure. Do you remember me?

CAMERON (as Karma): … Yes.

NICK (as Cappy): Do you actually remember me? You paused quite a long time.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do not remember your name, and I do apologize.

NICK (as Cappy): That’s okay. I’m going by a different designation these days. You can call me Cappy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Pleasure to see you again, Cappy. What can I do for you?

NICK (as Cappy): I actually have some work for you, ma’am. I do hope you accept. There is much to do.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

[western music ends]

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from that. Hudson!

HUDSON: Yes?

NICK: Describe your character for us and where he is.

HUDSON: So, my character is a seven foot Gigoran: white fur, piercing red eyes, and a translator over their mouth.

NICK: It looks like a Bane mask, right?

HUDSON: It does look like a Bane mask.

[laughter]

HUDSON: From Gotham. He is 28 years old, born in the year 29 BBY.

[giggling]

NICK: Tink, what have you been up to in the last six months? Why are you where you are, and what are you working on?

HUDSON: So, I was kidnapped.

CAMERON: Again?

HUDSON: Tied up—Yes, again. [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: Thrown on a boat going to who-knows-where, and somehow, even though I was bound and gagged, I rolled myself off of the boat, managed to get out of my restraints once it hit the water and became wet and slippery—

[laughter]

NICK: That’s not how that works. Tink’s gonna drown.

HUDSON: That’s how it worked with me!

CAMERON: That’s how Star Wars ropes work.

HUDSON: I just happened to see an island out in the distance so I swam to it. It actually turns out to be Ahch-To. So, right now there’s not like a ton to do there, like there’s two libraries and that’s about it, some huts otherwise. So, the one library is a Jedi library. I don’t really go to that one that often. It just has some old stuff I don’t really care about.

NICK: That means you read the books before Luke did, which is super interesting.

[laughter]

HUDSON: But the other library, which is more of a brick building, every Wednesday they have chess club, so—

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Who has chess club?!

NICK: The weird chicken feet people!

HUDSON: [laughs] yeah.

LILIT: God… The fish nuns?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: The Ahch-Toians. {Lanai}

HUDSON: Yeah, the fish nuns have taught me a lot, actually, about being humble, and the Force.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: And having giant ass parties when your husbands return from sea.

HUDSON: Yeah actually, we do party it up a bit. So I’ve been there for six months just taking it all in and learning. I learned and I’m getting really good at chess.

[techno music begins]

NICK: So, we see Tink contemplating a move, and he moves a bishop diagonally on the board, and we see a golden hand from the other side reach and move a pawn forward, and you look up in surprise to see a golden protocol droid seated as your opponent.

NICK (as Cappy): Hello, Rallltinkraatakat.

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] Shh! It’s a library!

NICK (as Cappy): [quietly] Hello, Rallltinkraatakat. How are you doing this fine day?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m doing great.

NICK (as Cappy): Are you currently employed?

NICK: As you move a piece and the protocol droid also moves a piece.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, not really.

NICK (as Cappy): How are you paying for food and the like?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I do some odd jobs. It’s not really employment as much as it is, like, stuff to get just housing and food and the essentials.

NICK (as Cappy): Tink, do you remember me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… Were you from a dream of mine?

NICK (as Cappy): We’ve worked together before. We had a common employer. I was part of the organization that had you do that shipyard job about six months back.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re talking a lot around the name of the…

NICK (as Cappy): We worked for Sentinel, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh.

NICK (as Cappy): Do you remember working for Sentinel?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. One time he knocked over a vase, right?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Cappy): Yep, that’s him. You got it in one. Great job, buddy. It seems like you’re stuck. How would you like to leave this island and do a job, get back to some more impactful things?

CAMERON (as fish nun): [hushed] Shh! This is a library!

NICK (as Cappy): [quietly] How would you like to do a job?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

HUDSON: I move my queen into checkmate.

NICK (as Cappy): Kriff!

HUDSON: Did I just beat an AI?

NICK: Yeah.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm, that sounds pretty tempting. Uh… I’ll take it.

NICK (as Cappy): Wonderful.

[techno music ends]

NICK: So, the next thing we see is the inside of a ship with no viewports. There’s metal benches with laser restraints around everybody’s hands, and it is just full of people who look tired and roughed up and scared. They’re all sitting on these benches, chained to the bench in front of them, and there is an automated laser turret hanging from the ceiling. You can hear the hum of the ship, but otherwise it’s not lit very well. We see Karma near one of the walls, and a couple of benches over we see Tink, and then another bench back we see Xianna as they’re scattered through this population. Finally, after all the hubbub of how you got here, you look up and have a chance to look around and you start to notice each other.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, ‘ello Tink~!

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] Xianna?!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Karma is here, too~!

HUDSON (as Tink): What?! Aww, the gang’s back together!

LILIT (as Xianna): What are you doing, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you know, I was just hacking around, slicing the… you know, the Empire’s computer system and I got caught.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… Karma, what are you doing here? You are the goody-two-shoes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I know.

[laughter]

CAMERON (as Karma): I may have killed a lot of Black Sun members.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well we know that.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, no, more recently.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

CAMERON: How many other people are in this transport with us?

NICK: Probably like 20, but they’re all kind of out of it and none of them are guards or anything.

CAMERON: Okay, because I don’t know how deep we wanna get into this conversation with all these people around.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, now that the gang’s back together, maybe we need a fourth member.

HUDSON: I look around at everybody sitting on the benches.

LILIT (as Xianna): [grumpily] No we don’t.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as ???): [gruffly] I’m your Huckleberry.

NICK: You see a Zabrak with a piece of a droid head welded over part of his head and his teeth have been sharpened to spikes.

NICK (as Zabrak): You need a new gang member?

LILIT (as Xianna): No thank you~

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no-no-no, look at it, look, he has moxie.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sternly] Tink.

NICK (as Zabrak): They call me Sunshine. Sure, I’m not a member of a group because I killed the last ones, but this time will be different.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well didn’t you just inherit the job? Then you must be the leader.

NICK (as Sunshine): Yes. Join Sunshine’s band.

LILIT (as Xianna): No thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ah, sorry, we kinda got a thing going over here. I think you really need to recruit new folks, though.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Sunshine): [sighs]

CAMERON (as Karma): You do not want to waste that leadership position.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we technically have a fourth member already.

CAMERON (as Karma): We just need to find him.

NICK (as Sunshine): Aw, fine. Fine. Well, it’s nice meeting you folks. I’m just gonna go back to thinking about where it all went wrong.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice meeting you too.

LILIT (as Xianna): I couldn’t figure out how to get Creamsicle arrested, so she is somewhere else.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s probably good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah—Oh. Figure out how to get Creamsicle arrested? Why are you here?

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): That sounds a little premeditated.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so I am here for grand theft hovercraft, and arson, and at least one felony drug charge.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wow!

HUDSON (as Tink): Was this all the same incident?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

[laughter]

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): I was on a bunch of drugs and then stole a hovercraft, which is how you get the felony drug charges and the grand theft hovercraft, and then I set it on fire.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is where the arson comes in.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well…

LILIT (as Xianna): And then I was arrested.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was more saying that you getting arrested seemed premeditated.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, so, I wanted to have Creamsicle with me, and apparently they do not arrest loth-rats because they are not sentient, so I did not want her going to the pound instead, so a friend is watching her.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): You have friends?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey!

NICK: The next thing that we see is a multiple-shot compilation of our heroes being sprayed down with water hoses. In a tiled room, karma is down to her underwear, Tink’s hair is plastered to his body, and Xianna is completely naked. The water looks cold and they can’t help but shiver. A white powder is thrown at each of them and then they are hosed down again before a door opens at the far side of the room. There’s a small closet of a room with a blueish-gray jumpsuit hanging from the wall and a small container the size of a shoebox with some bare essentials. You hear a recorded voice.

NICK (as recording): Dress in your uniform and grab your hygiene kits. The air will be extracted from the changing room in 4.5 minutes.

NICK: What do you do?

LILIT: Xianna puts on the jumpsuit. How does it close? Is there a way for Xianna to tie it so that it is more fashionable?

NICK: Yeah, you can have a deep V on your jumpsuit if you want.

LILIT: Like, if it opens up the front, yeah, like is tied at the mid-section or something to give it a little jaunty deep V.

NICK: There are no visible fasteners, but it does have a little sash that ties, and also the seam in the front if you press it together it stays closed. It’s like a zipper but you can’t see a zipper is what I’ll say.

CAMERON: Karma goes in and gets dressed.

HUDSON: I shake it off, shake it off for a bit.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON: Because I’m wet and gross.

NICK: You whip your hair back and forth?

HUDSON: I whip my hair back and forth, yes.

[laughter]

HUDSON: And then I put on my outfit, my—well, it’s not an outfit. What do they call it, a suit?

NICK: Jumpsuit?

HUDSON: Jumpsuit.

NICK: Cool. So as you get dressed you can see a little flip card timer counting down, and quickly a door on the other side opens. The squad quickly stumbles into a courtyard, and you get your first real look of your surroundings. There’s a cluster of other people in jumpsuits as well, looking around, having recently exited their own processing. A squat Human wearing a tan uniform with armor on the chest and shoulders is staring at the group. His helmet looks like a cooking pot and is pulled down low on his head.

NICK (as Human): Get in line, inmates. Get in line now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where’s the line? Or is this organically formed, like a collective?

NICK (as Human): You have ten seconds to get in line in front of me, right here.

LILIT: Xianna’s already in line.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, have you never been to prison before?

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Uhhh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, can I have your belt? I want to make a fun little headwear piece for me.

HUDSON (as Tink): But it holds up my pants. Just kidding, you can have it.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): The pants are held up by the top. That is how a jumpsuit works.

NICK (as Human): Inmates will be silent during muster.

HUDSON (as Tink): When?

NICK (as Human): That’s right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Because they “will be,” like not current… Okay, anyways.

CAMERON: [laughs] Karma has walked silently over shaking her head and is just standing behind Xianna.

NICK: The drill sergeant who has been standing kind of at parade rest can’t help but stick his fingers into his forehead, and as you fall into line you see that everyone else has quickly fallen into place, even you all even though you’re chattering, except for a Weequay who’s looking around frantically back behind everyone. The helmeted man says:

NICK (as Human): I said get in line.

NICK: He makes a quick hand gesture, and you see a very large stun bolt come flying out of a guard tower along the wall. It strikes the Weequay man in the chest, knocking him to the ground, and he does not move.

NICK (as Human): Insubordination will not be tolerated.

NICK: He makes another quick hand gesture, and two guards wearing similar helmets but less armor drag away the unconscious man.

NICK (as Human): One week in solitary for failing to follow orders.

NICK: The man begins to pace up and down the line that you all are in.

NICK (as Human): Welcome to Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. I am proud to represent the Empire as your host. You can call me Mr. Codly, sir, or that nice hissing noise people make when they get stunned a lot of times in a row. You all represent the worst scum of the galaxy. You law breakers will eat, drink, piss, and sleep when I say so. Follow the rules and we won’t have a problem. Break the rules…

NICK: He looks at the guards dragging the Weequay away.

NICK (as Codly): …well, I hear solitary is nice this time of year. Any questions?

HUDSON: I raise my hand.

LILIT (as Xianna): [whispering] Tink, no, you’re not—

NICK: The guard walks up to you.

NICK (as Codly): Yes. How can I help you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! Okay, if you’re helping us now, this is—

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: He punches you in the stomach.

HUDSON (as Tink): [pained grunt, coughs]

NICK: It hurts, and you double over.

HUDSON (as Tink): [weakly] No more questions.

NICK (as Codly): Any other questions? … Well, if there are no more questions then it’s time that you all were led to your new accommodations.

NICK: You are placed into a line and led by a few guards with stun rifles into the northern prison block. These are cells lined with duracrete hallways. Each cell holds two beds, a toilet and a sink. The entire cell is visible from the hallway. Prisoners are every species, but they have a similar mocking anger about them as they yell at the new people who will be living there, yourselves included. You hear calls of “fresh meat” and “won’t last a week” that are yelled around along with much other, much harsher things.

Karma and Xianna, you are led to a cell on the second level and prodded in before the door slams shut with a clang. Tink, you are told to enter the cell next door. After a while the cell block calms down to a dull murmur as the new prisoners get settled. What do you do?

LILIT: Xianna is immediately flipping up the mattress and looking to see if anything’s been left and just, you know, checking inside the mattress.

LILIT (as Xianna): You always need to check the mattress, because sometimes someone previously has left a shiv in the mattress and the prison guards do not find it.

NICK: Roll me a Force die.

LILIT: Heh. One dark side.

NICK: You find the severed finger of some sort of alien species under the mattress, and that’s it.

CAMERON (as Karma): [uncomfortable groan]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s disgusting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, sometimes you do find fingers or ears or things.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you still want the top bunk?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You always go for the top bunk. It’s the best one.

NICK: So, y’all’s two cells are separated just by bars, so you can talk through to each other.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Tink, who’s your roommate?

HUDSON (as Tink): My roomy-caboody? Uh, don’t got one as far as I can—Wait.

NICK: Someone pops up immediately behind you as you’re talking through the bars, and you hear somebody say:

NICK (as roommate): Roomy-caboody?! Nice to meet ya!

CAMERON: [chuckling] Oh gosh.

HUDSON: Ooh…

NICK (as roommate): The name’s Filbert. Put ‘er there!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright!

HUDSON: And I shake… his—?

NICK: You have to reach down to shake hands. Filbert’s the same species as Yoda is, so he’s a small weathered green man with long ears and he has a wispy, white beard that goes down to about the middle of his tummy over his jumpsuit which is extremely baggy.

NICK (as Filbert): The name’s Filbert!

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey Filbert. Nice to meet you.

NICK (as Filbert): I can tell we’re gonna be friends quickly. What’s your opinion on people riding on your shoulders?

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] Ooh… We are gonna be friends quickly.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Filbert): Most people aren’t this calm being led into a prison as high-security as The Cage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well, I’m just waiting… Do you know where I can get a sparkling water?

CAMERON (as Karma): [coughs laughing]

NICK (as Filbert): Oh Tink…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, Tink, you really have never been to prison.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey—

NICK (as Filbert): The accommodations are probably not what you’re used to, fancy boy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, this bed’s way too short for me. I’m gonna be half hanging off this thing.

NICK (as Filbert): Mine’s extra-long for me, so maybe I can give you part of mine.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are just the nicest—Wait a second. What are you gonna want in return?

NICK (as Filbert): Your friendship!

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay! If that’s all, then I’m great.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or you could go beat someone else up and steal their bed and then push those two beds together to create an extra-long bed.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not the kind to cause a lot of trouble, usually.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you not?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well okay, I do cause a lot of trouble, but I don’t instigate—Okay, I do instigate, but I don’t… Either way, I’m just trying to get along here and that’s what we’re doing right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Filbert.

NICK (as Filbert): Howdy doody?

LILIT (as Xianna): Who is in charge of the smuggling in this prison? Maybe we can convince them to also smuggle in some sparkling water.

NICK (as Filbert): Oh… You’re trying to get ahold of contraband that fast, huh?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you know, you got to establish your routine early, so…

NICK (as Filbert): There’s only one man who decides what comes in and out of this prison besides the warden, and he’s based out of the southern cell block. You might meet him a little later, but you won’t like the price.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like a lot of people in this prison are based out of the southern… part of this prison.

[laughter]

NICK (as Filbert): One, solid ass joke, Xianna. Two, there’s two cell blocks here in this here facility, the north cell block and the south cell block. You found yourselves situated in the vicinity of the north.

HUDSON (as Tink): That was a long way of saying we’re in the north cell block. Well—

NICK (as Filbert): You’re in the north cell block!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): That also makes me think you were originally from the southern cell block.

NICK (as Filbert): I was there for a time, but they usually give your cell away if you get sent to the prison clinic, so my spot was given away and now I’m over here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is the south block more desirable if your spot was given away?

NICK (as Filbert): They just fill in wherever and then reassign.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): So is that where the person in charge of smuggling is? Because you said there were two people, the warden and someone else, and then you did not say who that other person was.

NICK (as Filbert): Yeah, I was being what you would might call, uh… disseminating.

LILIT (as Xianna): Um, no thank you…

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT (as Xianna): …but I would like to know who is in charge of smuggling.

HUDSON (as Tink): So Filbert, where did you get that there accent?

NICK (as Filbert): You know? Everybody in my species talks like this.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I’ll take your word for it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but Filbert… [whining] Who is in charge of smuggling?

NICK (as Filbert): You dragged it out of me. His name is Big Jeyb. He’s a scary dude I recommend you stay away from at least whiles until you get your feet under you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, are they taller than me?

NICK (as Filbert): It’s not how big or imposing he is, it’s the organization he represents. Everybody owes Big Jeyb a favor. You don’t want him to get mad. You’ll end up stabbed, like my former roommate!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! So, is this one of those things where he is called Big Jeyb but he is actually very, very small and it is a funny, ironic nickname?

NICK (as Filbert): Probably not.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so he actually is very big? Then Tink, he must be so big, because you only get the nickname big if you are gigantic or very, very small.

CAMERON (as Karma): Have you not seen him, Filbert?

NICK (as Filbert): Oh, I’ve seen him. That’s why I was in the clinic. He stabbed me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m glad you’ve recovered. You’re saying “well I guess” and “maybe” a lot with how large he is.

HUDSON (as Tink): I understand that you don’t wanna give up too much information at this point. We just met you.

NICK (as Filbert): It’s the kind of thing he doesn’t take kindly to people talking about him behind his back. I’m trying to… Especially ‘cause I just met ya, I wouldn’t want you to sell me down the river.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, describing how tall a person is is not really “talking behind their back.” That would be like saying Big Jeyb is a big poopoo face.

NICK (as Filbert): Which I also advise against.

NICK: Filbert looks around to the cell behind his and Tink’s cell, because all of them are exposed and there aren’t walls.

NICK (as Filbert): She didn’t mean it, fellas. Big Jeyb is not a big poopoo face.

LILIT (as Xianna): [giggles] Oh! He IS calling Jeyb a big poopoo face!

NICK (as Filbert): No! Don’t do that to me!

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa, whoa, whoa. Xianna, we are trying to make friends here. You are out of line.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I am not here to make friends, okay?

[laughter]

NICK: Filbert grabs the bars. There are bars, and then there’s a crossbar about in the middle and then bars up again, and he actually grabs under the crossbars in the middle because he’s not very tall. He’s probably a meter tall and kind of hunched.

NICK (as Filbert): So, the standard question when we have new residents is: Whatcha in for?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. You cannot ask what someone is in for. That is like rule number one.

NICK (as Filbert): Not here. Not in The Cage. It’s pretty much how you develop a social order. For instance, I’m in here because I killed a dude.

LILIT (as Xianna): What?! We’ve all killed a dude! Okay? What the fuck kind of prison is this?!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t ask what you are in for. It’s just rude. But yes, I have killed a dude before.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Filbert): Okay… Did you get caught killing a dude? Is that why you’re here?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, a few of the times, yes.

NICK (as Filbert): I’m talking about this time specifically. So, I guess if no one’s gonna say why they’re in here, we’re gonna run out of conversation pretty quick…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, no, I can do that. Nah, no, we can keep it going. I got in for aggressive jaywalking, and I know what you’re thinking, that’s not a real thing, but where I come from it is a real thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mandalore?

HUDSON (as Tink): yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh!

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, this was aggressive jaywalking, like people died.

LILIT (as Xianna): What?!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my goodness. What?

NICK (as Filbert): Wow!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it was… I don’t even wanna think about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I thought you were in for like hacking or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Shh! Uh, no, it was a violent, violent event that I caused.

LILIT (as Xianna): Jaywalking…

NICK: Filbert pulls a shiv made out of a vibro-spoon out of his pocket and just waves it in your general direction, Tink.

NICK (as Filbert): You wouldn’t be lying to me, now would ya, roomy? Because I hate me some liars.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh! How easy is it to turn the spoons into shivs?

NICK (as Filbert): It’s not super hard. I’ll give it to you in exchange for four doses of impact.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you’ll have to wait a little bit, but okay.

[laughter]

HUDSON: So the knife is in my face, right?

NICK: It’s like waving at you. he’s probably about a meter away from you though.

CAMERON: It’s like knee level. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Okay. I take my fake leg and I tap it real hard on the ground by the heel and a spike comes out of the front.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I’m not lying.

HUDSON: I tap again.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Put it away, Tink.

NICK (as Filbert): If they see you’ve got weapons in your there prosthesis they’ll take it away. You’ll have to be just one-legged. You probably don’t wanna do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, don’t show that off.

NICK: Filbert tucks the spoon away, and after a couple of hours you all get settled in, and the cells open with the sound of a buzzer. The population of the north cell block makes the trek to the central building. Filbert says…

NICK (as Filbert): Well, it looks like it’s time for lunch! Yippee!

NICK: …and goes stomping off through the line with the rest of the group. You are lead through a narrow chain link walkway from the north cell block. You can see that there’s open fields, but then all the walking happens in these chain link things topped with razor wire, and you are led along one of those walkways. There’s a turn off to the left that leads to a low building, but you are led by guards to go straight into a large cafeteria. There’s obviously a pecking order here. You’re far enough back into the cell block that by the time you get in line a majority of people already have your food.

You go through the line. You see a Besalisk with a stained white apron and a little paper hat on scooping slop onto metal trays. Besalisks, for those of you who don’t know Star Wars, are the kind of large, four-armed lizardy looking aliens with a waddle. Jettster Dexter from the Clone Wars is one. The bottom two arms are grabbing trays and the top two arms are scooping food onto them, so the line moves pretty quickly. You are left trying to find a seat. Do the three of you stay together? what are you looking for, an empty table, are you trying to make some new friends?

CAMERON: Does Karma recognize anyone in here?

NICK: Probably.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Yeah, Karma’s gonna have a rough time.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna is gonna find, even if she can’t find a full empty table, at least a partially empty table that they can sit off to one side, and has put whatever pudding cup or whatever they get at the end of the line in those spots to hold them. Heh.

NICK: You’re trying to reserve spots in a prison mess hall.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: We were all next to each other in line. I feel like we just follow you.

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s do it that way.

LILIT: Or yeah, if they were super close. Xianna just leads the way and finds that half empty table.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to get some seats. Filbert does not sit with you at lunch. Filbert has a group of Kowakian lizard monkeys and weird smaller aliens, a couple of Chadra-Fan, that are all sitting off in the corner having a grand old time. You can see there’s kind of a wide ring around that group of empty spaces, like no one wants to sit too close to them, and you are able to eat your lunches relatively in peace. The food is not very good, obviously. It’s very much like a gruel with little bits of synthetic protein in it, and you have vibro-spoons to eat with but they’re not vibrating. The batteries have died a long time ago. You can see if you were to make a shiv out of these, Xianna, that these are a very brittle, synthetic carbon plastic kind of material. They probably wouldn’t hold up very well, like you could maybe stab someone once or twice and then they’d probably snap off.

LILIT: Yeah…

NICK: So you’re having lunch.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so now that we are at lunch, were you asked by some droid named Chappy or whatever to, uh, you know, get arrested and do this mission?

CAMERON (as Karma): Cappy?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was it Cappy or Chappy?

LILIT (as Xianna): Chappy!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, I talked to that dude. I actually, you know, on our most recent encounter I beat him at chess.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Good for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yep, I’m pretty proud of myself.

CAMERON (as Karma): He kinda messed up a bounty hunting mission I was on, but it was okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, so just, you know, making sure we all got arrested on purpose, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is what is happening?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well… yeah, no, same here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Cool. Fun!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yay, jail time. [chuckles]

NICK: So as you’re sitting there chatting and catching up an extremely large alien comes over and slams his hands down on the table with a hollow bang and the whole mess hall goes quiet.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, ‘ello~

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey!

NICK (as ???): Hey…

NICK: He’s almost 3 meters tall. He’s got gray shark skin and a big shark head and just rippling giant biceps. He does not fit in his jumpsuit. Whereas Xianna has a tasteful V-neck his is showing most of his pecs because the shoulders are too narrow to fit over it.

NICK (as ???): It’s my first day. You know what you’re supposed to do on your first day in prison?

CAMERON (as Karma): Make new friends?

NICK (as ???): Beat the—

LILIT (as Xianna): Beat someone up!

NICK (as ???): Exactly!

LILIT (as Xianna): [smiling] I have been to prison before, I know the drill, but in case you did want someone to beat up…

LILIT: Points at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): …this is his first time in prison as well, so…

NICK: He grabs the back of Tink’s head and slams it into the table with a huge clang and immediately the mess hall is in a riot as everyone starts to chant fight, fight, fight.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! You are supposed to fight!

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh! Uh! Uh…

HUDSON: I just try to, like…

LILIT (as Xianna): Use the tray! Slam it into him!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh!

HUDSON: I take the tray. Instead of slamming it into him I put it horizontal to my tummy and just lunge forward.

[laughter]

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.