Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 21:
Darth Pizza the Cheese

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 21 of Tabletop Squadron. You heard it here, folks, the best podcast to ever exist ever.

HUDSON: The only one, as well.

LILIT: The only podcast.

NICK: Yes. Everything else are just short-form audio books. Hate to break it to you.

HUDSON: Hmm.

LILIT: We invented Star Wars.

NICK: Yup. Uh… I’m also scared of Disney, so you know, caveat-caveat-caveat. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I’m Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Phenomenal. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hey. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

CAMERON: [pleased but without steam] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

NICK: So four light side, one dark side going into this?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So, to recap what happened last time…

[slinky groovy music begins]

You were able to grab another item of the Shattered Force, the Stone Breaker, and you placed it onto your ship. You gave Meelo Shmee a ride to Coruscant so that he could go back to see his wife and kids, and you made a dinner date with Nolaa to talk about the Space Breaker, and also to eat some pizza.

Stepping off of the landing pad, the ship is locked behind you for a nominal fee by the Coruscant Shipping Authority, and you are able to walk through this city to the pizza place. As you’re going there are crowds. It’s not enough that you’re jostled, but there are quite a few people. You are well-armed, clearly scary, so people tend to give you a decent amount of space, but it’s also Star Wars so that’s not a weird thing for people to be walking around wearing body armor and carrying axes and things.

So, you’re able to see a lot of different kinds of people as you walk through. The perpetual traffic of the Coruscant sky is floating above you, and you walk past one of these sky rises, these huge Coruscant buildings that looks like it has recently been on fire and has burned almost to the foundations way, way down below, and there are firefighting droids floating around it, spraying it with water, trying to put it out.

A couple of blocks from there you come to the restaurant that Nolaa recommended that you meet at. Darth Pizza the Cheese is the name of the restaurant.

[music changes to jaunty accordion]

The doors slide open away from you as you enter, and you can see Nolaa is seated in a booth near the kitchen. Everybody give me one detail about Darth Pizza the Cheese, Nolaa’s favorite pizza restaurant on Coruscant.

LILIT: So one, it is obviously a corner booth with the walls in the back so that way you can see the entrance of the pizza restaurant. Obviously. You never sit with your back to the front door.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: I said one as if I had a two.

[laughter]

NICK: I will say, just based on the name, I am picturing a grungy Chuck E. Cheese that’s maybe been refurbished to not be for kids, but that’s just my thought, that doesn’t have to be an actual thing.

LILIT: Two, it is a small place, low lighting, and it is under an overpass.

NICK: Cool. So, it’s a small hole-in-the-wall place. There’s only a couple of booths, and it’s right next to one of the speeder lanes, so you can hear the drone of speeders passing overhead slowly, because even though they can fly they’re always in traffic on Coruscant. But the booths are red plush and there’s lighting that’s kinda dim and dusty because of the stained glass lampshades that are over all of the lighting that look like a lightsaber but the handle is a slice of pizza.

CAMERON: Beautiful. I’m thinking the walls are just completely covered. Like, I’m picturing your stereotypical family Italian restaurant where it’s in the city and there’s a photo on the wall of every single famous person who’s ever been there, with a slice of pizza, and there is just no space on the walls at all. It’s just all photographs.

NICK: For sure. We see the crew of the Afternoon Delight press open this door and there’s a little ding of a bell as you walk in. There are two Twi’leks behind the counter who are kneading out dough and making the pizza and getting it ready to go, and back around the side of the counter there’s a little eating area with a couple of booths.

You can see seated at one is an Ubese, which is interesting because you’re not sure how they would eat pizza with their weird gasmask things on, and then behind that you can see Nolaa up against the corner, sitting in the middle of the booth magnanimously, watching the door. She waves and smiles widely at you all as you come in.

HUDSON: I wave back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello~

NICK (as Nolaa): Hi. Let’s not yell across the whole restaurant. Come on, come grab a seat.

HUDSON (as Tink): [yelling] What did you say? I can’t hear you.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She rolls her eyes but in a loving way and just motions for you to come closer.

[accordion music fades]

HUDSON: I steal a crouton from the salad bar.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t just use your hands. Oh my gosh. This is so gross!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna just order some stuff anyway. I’m just getting it early.

LILIT (as Xianna): There was one on the floor you could have picked up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ew!

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s kinda gross.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is gross, it’s super gross, but Tink has eaten food off the floor before so I thought that was normal for him.

HUDSON (as Tink): People can change.

NICK: I need you to roll me a hard Perception check, please. We’re gonna roll more dice in this pizza restaurant than we have in the last three episodes. [laughs]

CAMERON: Good. [laughs]

HUDSON: Three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, definitely no one saw you just plunge your hand into the salad bar, which by the way, this is a small hole-in-the-wall place so the salad bar is like four bowls in ice baths, one with croutons, one with a lettuce mix, one with shredded cheese, and one that’s—they’re all the same size, and the other one’s just full of ranch dressing. You grab a couple of croutons out of there and you’re pretty sure no one noticed.

HUDSON: Nice.

CAMERON: Is the crouton delicious though?

NICK: Yeah. With the three advantages, if you eat it, it is a really super good crouton.

HUDSON: Oh, I eat it.

NICK: It also doesn’t crunch super loudly, so people don’t notice you eat it necessarily.

HUDSON: Ooh, just the right amount of softness from the moisture in the air. Oh…

CAMERON: Ew… [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, so you all are able to slide in the booth. Who sits next to Nolaa and who sits further out?

[accordion music returns]

LILIT: Obviously Xianna sits next to Nolaa, and I imagine that Nolaa was on one of the edges, and Xianna gets on the other end and scooches the whole way over.

NICK: [laughing] Okay. Tink or Karma, are you sitting in the middle or…?

HUDSON: I’ll sit in the middle.

NICK: Okay, and then Karma will, and HK will sit at the end, because he doesn’t eat but he does like to heckle wait staff, so he wants to be somewhere where he can.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh, HK. Terrible.

NICK: [emphatically] He’s evil! [laughs]

HUDSON: As soon as everyone sits down and gets comfortable I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to go to the bathroom and wash my hands.

CAMERON (as Karma): [deflated] Oh my gosh, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who can get up? … I’ll go over this table. I will walk over this table.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, don’t do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK? HK, can you scooch?

NICK: HK scoots out without standing up, so he’s standing a foot away from the booth with his legs still bent at a 90 degree angle just holding onto the table.

CAMERON: Karma climbs out and does not do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank y’all.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] You’re welcome.

HUDSON: I go to the refresher.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. So, are we waiting on Tink to get back, or…? What have you all been up to?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, um… we went to a planet, and then we fought some sort of giant creature, and we killed it, and then… Oh! It turns out that Tink took all the wine out of the wine cellar and put it in the airlock and let it off into the vacuum of space to never be retrieved and instead replaced them with popsicles.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs] Oh wow. Well, but I mean, it’s like hotel wine, right? So it wasn’t—

[music turns severe]

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No Nolaa, I don’t think you understand. I calculated exactly how much all the wine was worth, and um… I wasn’t telling anybody else in the crew because my plan was to take all the wine when we left finally, and then I was going to sell it all, and I would be so rich.

[music grows delicate and sorrowful]

LILIT: Xianna’s just staring off into the distance, eyes unfocused.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be… It would have been so, so much money. I could have bought a mansion on Naboo by the waterfalls, with the ducks, and I could have had at least four servants, and I could make them bring me bantha cakes whenever I wanted.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. This was like an old really, really rich person’s wine cellar.

NICK (as Nolaa): I mean, I’ve been in the ship before… I guess I just thought it was like fake old and fancy. It was really that nice?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, those are the display ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Those are fake.

LILIT (as Xianna): The like cheapest bottle I found was 500 Credits.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): When you go into the room you have to press the button to get the real racks to raise out of the ground.

NICK (as HK): The Boss Man prioritizes popsicles above all else including the wellbeing of his companions.

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems a bit extreme, HK.

NICK (as HK): What part of his behavior has proven otherwise?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean like you’re not wrong, it’s just extreme.

[delicate music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Yeah, I don’t know if I would have said it out loud.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t know. I think Tink’s a pretty good guy. Sure he will not do a mission and will go buy popsicles instead of doing other stuff, Xianna’s told me about that, but… maybe he just made a mistake. That must have been a long time ago though, right? Like, he didn’t do this yesterday.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t even remember.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea when he did this.

NICK (as Nolaa): So, have you been doing anything else or just arguing about popsicles and wine? It sounds like a fun evening, but…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it has been the main discussion for the last day.

NICK (as Nolaa): Understandable. It’s a shame to hear that your secret fortune you weren’t planning on sharing with your crewmates had been ejected into space.

LILIT: Xianna does a big sigh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I… I guess I will just have to steal something else in order to get my retirement money.

NICK: HK gives a mechanical sigh and shimmies out of the booth as Tink returns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you, HK.

CAMERON: Karma hadn’t sat back down.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: She was still standing there. HK scooted back in, but she did not.

LILIT: Xianna starts pointing aggressively at everybody.

LILIT (as Xianna): And if any of you show up to my retirement mansion and say that you have one last job for me, I swear to kriff I will probably do the job.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): But it would need to be worth it, and you would need to say something really dramatic for me to do it. I won’t just do any job. You can’t just come up and say we want to rob a bank. It would need to be like, we want to rob a bank and you can kill Falx.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh… Alright. I’ll do that as long as, in response to me giving you the mission, you say “son of a bitch, I’m in” and point finger guns at me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, that is part of the culture. You have to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yep. Yep.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be rude not to.

NICK: Nolaa slides on a pair of sunglasses and says:

NICK (as Nolaa): And this time it’s personal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahaha! Nolaa did the thing!

NICK (as Nolaa): Anyway. Tink. Do you know exactly where you were and what direction you were going when you kicked out that wine stuff? Because I might be able to do some math and find it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… hmm. I mean we can go to the camera footage which is probably synced up to our coordinates and figure it out for sure, but I think we were by… uh… oh. We were actually going to Endor weren’t we? No. To Hoth? No, we never even went to Hoth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Would it not be in the ship logs? I feel like the ship logs every time you open up the air vent.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Or the air lock, whichever you did. And like logs it, right?

NICK (as HK): This is true, but that may be a lot of information to parse as I press the airlock buttons for fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay yes, but we have to figure out which… like, just a small period of time and space when Tink would have done this, and then it’s less information to look through.

NICK (as HK): This seems logical.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, don’t we have security cameras?

HUDSON (as Tink): We do have security cameras, and I think I mentioned that they were probably synced up to our coordinates, but I’m not positive. [gasps] But I do remember it was absolutely a Wednesday, because it’s Double Wombly Day on Wednesdays.

NICK: Nolaa taps her chin.

NICK (as Nolaa): I just realized a bad part of this plan. These were wine bottles that were kept in a specially temperature controlled area, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): And now they’ve spent between two days and nine months floating through the vacuum cold hard death of space?

LILIT: Xianna’s nodding a bunch.

LILIT (as Xianna): But,  nobody would have to know.

NICK (as Nolaa): Now that’s a good point, that just turns it more into a con than a merchant deal. You know?

LILIT: Xianna does little finger guns.

LILIT (as Xianna): [snaps] Exactly!

NICK (as Nolaa): Alright. Alright. Gosh, I missed you.

NICK: And she gives you a comfy side-hug in the booth.

LILIT: Xianna gives her a smooch on the cheek.

LILIT (as Xianna): I missed you too, mon shu shu.

NICK: Nolaa smiles real big.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I’m glad you made it out of the last job in one piece, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big kiss, and you all can see Xianna looking a little embarrassed at the nickname back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Twinkle toes?! Twinkle toes? Can I call you twinkle toes?

LILIT: Xianna immediately has a blaster out under the table pointed at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I swear, if you call me twinkle toes one more time I will murder you in this place. This is very good pizza and I would like to come back here again, but I will give it up in order to murder you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay fine, two Ts.

LILIT (as Xianna): Eh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not what you said I couldn’t say.

LILIT: Xianna does kick him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a warning.

HUDSON (as Tink): O-Okay… Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

LILIT: Puts the blaster back in her coat.

NICK (as HK): New username logged. Secondary user, Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I will switch you back into investigation mode.

NICK (as HK): I am so sorry. I will never use that again. Log deleted.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is damn right.

NICK (as HK): Log of log deleted. Delete history deleted.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. I love you.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know what you’re talking about. I can’t remember the last 35 seconds.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is fine. Nothing important happened.

NICK (as HK): That’s super weird. Why do you have a gun drawn at Tink under the table?

NICK: A waiter is approaching. As HK asks that the waiter’s eyes get kind of big.

LILIT: Well, Xianna had already put the blaster back in and now has her hands above the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is just an inside joke. Anyways. We order pizza now.

NICK: So, the waiter smiles broadly.

[accordion music returns]

NICK (as waiter): Hey, I’m Tommy the waiter. They call me Pizza Tommy. Welcome to Darth Pizza the Cheese. What can I—Are you all ready to order? Can I start you off with some drinks? Oh, hey Nolaa.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh hey, hey Tommy. Yeah, these are just some friends of mine from out of town. I’ll take the usual, but I wonder what they want.

[accordion music fades]

LILIT: Xianna hadn’t even been looking at the menu.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will also take the usual. Nolaa’s usual not mine, I don’t have one yet.

NICK (as Tommy): I was gonna say. Yep, that’s fine. Uh… Nolaa, do you wanna make that a large so that you can share?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] And then we can share!

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, that seems really cute. I guess so.

NICK: And she blushes a little bit, because she’s normally not somebody who goes in for that kind of thing, but she’s a little off-balance. She’s happy to see you.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright. What can I get the rest of the table?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh kriff.

HUDSON: I pull up a menu. I have it upside-down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no!

HUDSON: And I flip it over.

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to look at the… Wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Tink, you said you were ready.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you’re right, you’re right. Here, I don’t need to look at the menu. I think I know what I want. Can I get a pizza—

NICK (as Tommy): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): —but with no cheese and no sauce, and on top of it you put a layer of croutons from your salad bar and drizzle it with sweetened condensed milk?

NICK (as Tommy): I regret having said yes before you finished describing this food. Uh, we do have sweetened condensed milk. What if I just bring you a can of that and you get a salad bar and I’ll bring you a pizza dough, I guess? Crust, that we’ve cooked.

HUDSON: Ooh, self-service. I can deal with that.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, that… should be fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): What the fuck…?

NICK (as Tommy): Are you sure?

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): It’s really good pizza. You don’t need to make like soggy crackers the pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re putting really cooked bread on top of cooked bread and then covering it in sweetened condensed milk.

NICK (as Tommy): Actually, when you say it like that, it does sound kind of good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, they even have a pizza here where they take the dough and brush it with garlic olive oil and crisp it up with some like parmesan cheese and stuff and then they put like a good Caesar salad on top after it’s been cooked. It is like almost the same thing except edible.

HUDSON (as Tink): Garlic is no good. I could be part vampire. I looked into it once.

LILIT (as Xianna): But the croutons have garlic in them!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man… Okay, take off the croutons.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, quick, look at this mirror.

NICK: And HK points to a mirror above the kitchen door, one of those fisheye ones that you use to make sure you’re not gonna run into somebody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… oh.

NICK (as HK): Can you see your reflection?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I can. I also hear everyone yelling corner a lot. I don’t know what that’s about.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): But anyways. Yeah, keep the croutons on there. Xianna, thank you for the pizza idea. I will pass at this time. I just want the Tink Special, which is what I described before.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright… I’m gonna probably charge you double for crimes against food, but you seem good for it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are not the first waiter to have said that to me.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Your place is named after like an evil dictator. You can’t judge him.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, the name’s a bit unfortunate.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not just unfortunate. It is like downright offensive.

NICK (as Tommy): Well… I mean, Darth Plagueis the Wise didn’t actually exist. Like, they talk about him, there’s stories or whatever, but that’s like naming him after the old-timey devil or something, like Old Nick’s Pizza or something. It’s not like a historical figure.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t think it’s the same, but you make good pizza.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah. Well, and we already had everything set up and all the signage when we got the place and turned all the actual food around and made it edible, so it saved a lot of money even though we didn’t pick the name.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if you get me in touch with your marketing team, I actually have a lot of alternative names, and my number one alternative name is Buster Buck’s Cheese Me Please.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

NICK (as Tommy): So that’s pretty good, but we already have the jingle.

[musically, with flat horn accompaniment] Darth Pizza the Cheese, good for you and me. Everybody likes pizza and cheese.

That’s catchy as hell.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! And at the end of the commercial, in a ghostly tone, it says “have you heard the tale of $5.99 Wednesdays?”

NICK (as Tommy): It is Thursday, for the record.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Ah, kriff.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): Anyway, we got extremely distracted. Ma’am, what can I get you? Please don’t order a sweetened condensed milk and crouton pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god. No, no, I would not do that to you. Can I get a, uh… the personal pan tropical pizza, please?

NICK (as Tommy): Absolutely. Let me go get those in the kitchen. It’ll probably be 20-30 minutes, because we make everything from scratch here.

NICK: And he just walks slowly away, ducks into the kitchen.

[whimsical music begins]

NICK (as Nolaa): So, what all have you been up to? I got Xianna’s text that we were meeting up and that you all needed something, but…

LILIT: Xianna does the little finger tents, rests her chin on them, and looks over at Nolaa.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so, sweetie… love of my life. Do you remember when I gave you a yellow crystal dildo thing to sell?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, to sell. Um…

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, the crystal one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was there a different one that wasn’t to sell?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why I said crystal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Never mind, that’s personal.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well just… she started with do you remember when you gave me a yellow crystal dildo and I was like eh… but to sell, yes. Yeah, I remember that. That was a long time ago. That was like when we first met.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it was a while ago, many months ago. I was just hoping that maybe you had trouble finding a buyer.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ha! What kind of fence would I be if it took me more than six months to sell some sort of weird crystal item to somebody who is gonna pay too much?

LILIT (as Xianna): Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Nolaa): It’s long gone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So, do you know exactly who you sold it to? Like, their name and their address and their day-to-day routine? And where they work? And like, maybe if they have family that lives with them too so we would have to learn their schedules? Keypads to their house. If they have servants that we could pose as. Anything of that?

NICK (as Nolaa): I see where you’re going with that. I would recommend keeping it a little bit lower key than that, because the heat’s kind of on in this neighborhood. I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but some smarson happened around the corner pretty recently.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes. The problem is that we kind of need to get it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): You might be able to trade with them for it. I sold it to somebody actually on Coruscant. They’re not too far from here. You’ve got some options. Now, I will say, I do not know what their family situation is or what their address is, but I do have their name.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can work with that. Because it just… it kind of turns out that the yellow crystal phallic shape might be some sort of very powerful Jedi artifact and we kind of need it now.

NICK (as Nolaa): You’re saying the dildo is a very powerful artifact?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and I know exactly what you are going to say, but please don’t. We are in company.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): We just… We need to have it back.

NICK: She twitches her lekku at you, saying something that the others can’t quite make out.

LILIT: Xianna does a real big laugh and says something back.

LILIT (as Xianna): But okay, okay, we have to be serious now. It is actually very important, so we do have to either buy it back, trade it back, but my personal favorite is steal it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Uh, I don’t think… So here’s the thing. I can tell you who I sold it to. I think that she was probably working for someone else, but at least that’s the first step. I hate to do this to you, twinkle toes, but I don’t think I should be involved, just because I’m the one that sold it. It would be really bad for my reputation, and you didn’t hear it from me.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I understand. We would not involve you any more than just getting the name.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay. Okay. So, I sold it to a Fosh named Keena. She works at a jazz club a couple levels down from here. I think she may have ties to some sort of organized crime, not 100% sure, but gosh she sure can sing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. Cool-cool-cool. So, how did the smarson go?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, the smarson? It went pretty good. So, I tried that new mix of accelerant that you recommended the last time we talked and it was—

NICK: And the waiter comes out with water cups for everybody and just Tink’s crouton and milk pizza, because it turns out that takes about 20 seconds to cook.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is really gross. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I get one of those fishbowl punch drinks? You know, those really round ones that’s brightly colored and tastes like fruit with the fun straws in it?

NICK (as Tommy): Well, we don’t have a liquor license, so that would be illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh.

NICK (as Tommy): I’ll be right back with your non-alcoholic fruit punch. Wink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does anybody else want a drink?

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: I do my arms crossed against each other in the shape of an X and pump it against my chest.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like you could have gotten your weird Shirley Temple.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll take a Shirley Temple, please.

NICK (as Tommy): We actually don’t have those. I’m sorry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as Tommy): We don’t have a grenadine license.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. What about a Shelly Temple?

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. I think that’s just Sprite.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. One Sprite for the very large child.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good, thank you.

NICK: HK’s head rotates a fast 90 degrees to lock with the waiter.

NICK (as HK): I do not consume either food or drink being a droid.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, I get it. I’ll be back when those other pizzas are done.

NICK: And he walks back to the kitchen.

NICK (as Nolaa): Phew, almost gave away the game there. Yeah, the smarson went pretty good. The smaccelerant was great. There were no smasualties.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because it was a sminsurance smfraud, and… honestly it went up really fast. I think that building was out of code.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it probably was. The older buildings are always easier to set fire to. Not that I’ve ever done that before.

NICK: She’s looking at you appraisingly for a second.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right… Right. Okay. So, yeah, but thanks for asking. It went great. Everything’s been going well. Karma, Tink, haven’t seen you all in a while. I heard you went to jail. How did that go?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… yup. Uh…

HUDSON (as Tink): It was like a getaway, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um?

HUDSON (as Tink): Like away from home time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because he escaped. I get it. That’s very funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I didn’t… Oh yeah! I did that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, and I mean it was a time when we were not at home, so I guess that is also true, Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you learned a lot? Are you…?

NICK: She wiggles her eyebrows at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you been rehabilitated?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s really funny that you think prisons rehabilitate anything.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. That’s not what they’re for. They are for making money.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s the joke, yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh good. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay good, just making sure you knew, because like… [laughs] That would be silly.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs, contented sigh] Actually, you know, I’ve never been. I’ve never been caught. I know Xianna has a few times. Seems to know her way around pretty well.

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually, all of the times I have been in the actual prison were kind of on purpose. I have been arrested many times, but usually I get out before I actually go to the full prison, so I’m in jail not prison. There is a slight difference.

NICK: She furrows her brow and takes a sip on her water and looks at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Really? Every time you got caught was a “oh, I meant to do that” situation?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, not every time I got caught. There were plenty of times that I did not mean to get caught. I am saying the other times I have been in prisons it was on purpose. One time I just went into the prison. I wasn’t even arrested. I just snuck in, in order to be in the prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): Huh… Well, the more you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s different.

LILIT (as Xianna): They never noticed.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Normally I’m just dropping people off.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. Well, I would advise that you don’t go back.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is not a good place.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles] Shockingly, I don’t have very many friends in prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): No kidding.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I know, right? I was surprised too.

LILIT (as Xianna): You had us. We are your friends and we were in the prison.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. We’re your—Are we not your friends?

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. I said I didn’t have very many.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have a lot of friends in prison.

CAMERON (as Karma): Four friends in prison I guess, well five friends, no six friends.

NICK (as HK): And now you have less because you helped them all escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. Less of my friends are in prison now.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why one of the times I was in the prison. It is the time I snuck in. I was sneaking somebody out. It was a very different style prison so it was much easier.

NICK: Around this point Pizza Tommy the waiter comes back out with a bunch of trays and slides a very large pizza that appears to be deep fried blurrg on pizza, like it’s kind of a blubbery meat that’s got a crust on it that’s scattered around on the pizza. He slides it between Nolaa and Xianna. He gives Karma a tropical pizza which is obviously some sort of weird colored shrimp and pineapple.

CAMERON: And seaweed.

NICK: And seaweed, of course.

NICK (as Tommy): If you need anything else give me a holler. Oh wait—

NICK: He runs and he comes back and he plops a giant fruit bowl down and what looks like a thermal detonator bottle shaped Sprite and puts it in front of Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Thank you.

LILIT: Very important question. How many straws are in the fishbowl drink?

NICK: Six.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK (as Tommy): Now that’s a six-person drink. Normally I would make several people leave their IDs, because you’re supposed to share, but Nolaa’s here all the time. I know that y’all wouldn’t overindulge, right, of your non-alcoholic fruit punch?

LILIT: Xianna nods her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, absolutely. We will not overindulge.

LILIT: She takes five of the straws, leaves one pointed at Nolaa, but smooshes all of the other straws together and starts drinking from those five at once.

NICK: Karma, you see the drink level go down demonstrably as Xianna starts to pound this thing. It’s impressive. Xianna’s not that big. You don’t know where it’s all going.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very good. It tastes like pineapple and jogan fruit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yum.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, they changed the recipe up from last time.

NICK: And Nolaa takes a little sip.

NICK (as Nolaa): This is great. I really am enjoying spending some time eating with you, and I’ve given you a lead on the crystal dildo, but why are you looking for it in the first place?

LILIT (as Xianna): Again, like I said, it is a very powerful Jedi artifact and we need to find it again.

NICK (as Nolaa): All that Force mumbo-jumbo? I didn’t think you would go in for that kind of thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I just saw a lot of Jedi when I was a kid. Because like, I was living in Lessu during the Clone Wars, so Jedi would just show up out of fucking nowhere and just like wreak havoc… which was cool because the Separatists fucking sucked too, but sometimes the Jedi would just show up and… [exhales] throw their lightsabers around at shit and then leave, and you were like what do we do now. Our city is all messed up. Are you going to help us rebuild? No, no, you’re gonna run away to some other planet?

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, you know I didn’t grow up on Ryloth, but I’ve heard stories, and Jedi, if they’re real, front-flip a lot for no reason, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, they absolutely do. They just front-flip all the time and they do spinny things, and it is entirely for show because there is no way it makes them fight any better.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): They were super cool, but they were kind of dicks.

NICK (as Nolaa): Karma, you have experience with Jedi as well?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh. Where did you run into Jedi before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Here?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You have to remember, I’m old. During my teenage years the Jedi were still a thing. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, it is not like you are THAT old. You are like… 30? That’s old.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, I am 38.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, you are ancient, Karma!

[laughter]

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s why I’m saying—

LILIT (as Xianna): So old you will wither away and die any day now.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, no…

LILIT (as Xianna): I am joking. You are not that old.

NICK (as Nolaa): You know, come to think of it, it’s a little weird. The Jedi weren’t around that long ago, but it’s hard to find people who had ever seen them or even really believed they were real. Even on Coruscant.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because there weren’t that many and they stuck to themselves unless they were like messing up your city.

NICK (as Nolaa): And front-flipping.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa, have you heard of the Mandela Effect?

LILIT (as Xianna): We do not have time for that, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as Nolaa): I actually haven’t heard of the Mandela Effect. Please explain it to me in detail.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you don’t want to hear about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But anyways.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): For reasons, we need to find the artifact so we can combine it with its other artifacts and… Actually, I kind of forgot exactly why we needed all of them. We just have a client who, uh, maybe works with a certain organization that… buys a lot of X-Wings, wink-wink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ohh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And so they need the artifacts for some reason. I don’t remember why.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And they think if we collect all of them… they do something? I don’t know. Karma, do you remember?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t. That presentation was very vague. I know it’s important that we get them all, but I don’t know if we actually were ever told why.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: [laughs] Somewhere, the camera pans away to Sentinel setting up a new hideout, talking to Cappy the droid.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, well I definitely did explain exactly what they were for and why I needed all of them to depose the Emperor, so I’m sure they’re all extremely motivated to help.

NICK: And then we cut back.

[eerie music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, he definitely didn’t say anything.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m assuming maybe if you connect them all they do something cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, if you do that with Lincoln Logs you eventually get a Lincoln Log house, so that’s usually where that goes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe this one makes a… makes like a little trophy.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, so they’re all stick-shaped?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, one of them is dildo-shaped like we explained.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s the stick.

LILIT (as Xianna): They’re all different shapes. I think maybe you can combine them like a mech. You know? You combine them all.

NICK (as HK): Oh, like Voltron.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, just like Voltron. I think they Voltron into something else.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Well, like I said, uh… you’re gonna wanna talk to Keena. She’s a jazz singer a couple levels down at the Blue Bantha, and you’ll have to just go from there. I wish I could be more help.

HUDSON: I stop stuffing my face for a second.

HUDSON (as Tink): [with his mouth full] Are we talking about mechs? Okay, well… well wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, Tink… [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I rode a mech once. We called it Tex. It was Tex-Mechs.

NICK: [chuckles]

CAMERON: [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): We just went all around the planet. It was a good old time. I almost fell out a few times. It was pretty neat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you for that story.

NICK: [laughs] Nolaa has a look of like very patient love on her face as she nods at Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I think that’s probably enough talk about work, don’t you think? Let’s just enjoy some pizza. I don’t know when the next time I’m gonna get to see you all is.

NICK: She nudges Xianna with a shoulder and grabs another slice of fried blurrg pizza and chows down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Nolaa! Also, I got you some gifts.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh~

LILIT: Xianna pulls out the pack of Sabacc cards.

LILIT (as Xianna): I found this on a dead guy.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She scratches at a little stain and it flakes off of the box and opens them up and fans them out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, these are nice. These are very nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is very nice. Also, I found this!

LILIT: And Xianna pulls out the ring.

NICK (as Nolaa): Whoa. Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. No. You see, I knew that this would be too small for your fingers, but I am pretty sure it is the exact size to be a very beautiful pinky toe ring.

NICK: She takes it and looks at it. It was on a chain, wasn’t it?

LILIT: Yes.

NICK: She detaches the chain and holds it up and looks at it in the light.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, I guess. Hey… warn a girl before you just start whipping rings out all over the place in front of all of your friends in a nice restaurant. I can’t take that kind of adrenaline.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. [stammers, chuckling] Oh my. Did you think I was going to propose to you? No, you propose to me when that happens.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay, that’s good to know. I’m glad we’re having this conversation in front of your friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): Besides, this is absolutely going to fit your left pinky toe.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. Okay. Well, cool. Thanks! That’s nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): I also got a glow stick necklace off of the same dead guy, however I am keeping that, because we have all agreed that we are going to a rave after we collect these artifacts and it is just a very nice necklace and I think it would complement me very well.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, can I come?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, absolutely.

NICK (as Nolaa): Great. That’ll be a nice ‘celebrate the finishing of a job’ kind of thing to do. I like that idea a lot.

[smooth lounge music begins]

NICK: We zoom out and we see the group of you all at this booth eating pizza together: Tink chomping down on his soggy milk monstrosity, Karma enjoying her tropical pizza, HK watching without moving, and Nolaa and Xianna sharing a fishbowl and a large pizza. Some time passes and you all stand to go. Nolaa pays the check. As you are all shimmying out of the booth and headed towards the door, Nolaa sets a hand on Xianna’s shoulder.

NICK (as Nolaa): Hey, can I have a couple minutes with Xianna? I kinda wanted to make out or something and figured it would be polite to, like, do the family thing first, but… uh, can we have some time real quick?

[lounge music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Yeah, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’ll go stand outside.

HUDSON (as Tink): No need for family make-out sessions, just whatever you were gonna do.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh that’s weird. I don’t like that you said it like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t like that, Tink. Okay, you go outside now. Bye.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, come on, Tink. Let’s go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: HK is still standing next to the table just staring at Xianna and Nolaa.

NICK (as HK): You may continue.

CAMERON: They get about halfway across the restaurant and karma turns around.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, come on!

NICK (as HK): Confused face.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re going outside. Come on.

NICK (as HK): Okay. Heading outside.

[delicate and romantic piano music begins]

NICK: The restaurant has really quieted down. The people working in the kitchen are back behind the closed door. The other booth with the Ubese has emptied out because you’ve been eating for a while, and you have this quiet time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Sorry, I hope that wasn’t awkward to just kick your friends out like that, but it really has been a little while since we’ve seen each other.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it has been… at least a month. I don’t know how time works.

NICK (as Nolaa): Honestly, does anyone know how time works? It’s difficult.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s very weird when you are like in space and then on planets with shorter or longer days. It’s just weird. So anyways, are we going to make out now?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, we absolutely are.

NICK: She gives you a big hug and holds both of your shoulders out.

NICK (as Nolaa): But first, are you okay? Are you doing alright?

LILIT (as Xianna): In like what context?

NICK (as Nolaa): Um, I guess I’m interested physically, emotionally and spiritually?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Uh, physically I am doing good. The toes are all healed up, or like, I should say where the toes were, they’re all healed up now.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very nice. No problems there. I have not been shot at in a while, so that is good.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s out of character for you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it was mostly because the last thing that we encountered was a creature that did not have a blaster.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And I was smart. I went up into a tree so I could just throw grenades down at it, and it attacked Tink not me.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s a good move.

LILIT (as Xianna): Work smarter not harder, you know.

NICK (as Nolaa): I love that boy, but please make sure that he gets attacked more often than you. I think he can take a hit better.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is a very large person. But um… emotionally, I think I am doing okay. I have been watching a lot of those self-help videos and trying to connect and understand my commitment issues and my issues of childhood and abandonment, and I think I am getting into a good place.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s really good to hear. I’m glad you’re taking that time for yourself, and you should know I’ll be here for you. Like, you can take your time and really work through it in a healthy way. That’s alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Thank you. I will message you about those things, like my feelings.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. I mean, you said the word propose a little while ago and didn’t look nauseous, so that’s good. Right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because if you do the proposing then I don’t have to worry about it.

NICK (as Nolaa): Wait. We’re not gonna have another toothbrush situation, are we?

NICK: Her face looks very serious for a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you mean like I would say no?

NICK (as Nolaa): No, I mean like you would laugh at me and say no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… you’re worried about me laughing at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. That’s what you did when I asked if you wanted to leave some stuff at my place.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. Okay, I just… I promise that if you propose to me and I say no I will not laugh while doing it.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t feel super better about that, but like, that wasn’t really on my mind anyway. The ring just kinda happened. Anyway, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying that I don’t know if I am ready to get married or anything right now. If I ever want to be truly married or if I just want to have a committed partner for life, I don’t know, I am just saying…

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s fine. I wasn’t even thinking about it until you handed me a ring and you kinda freaked me out a little and now we’re talking about it and this has gotten—Do you wanna just make out?

LILIT (as Xianna): I didn’t think you would think a ring that small was going to be for a proposal. I would steal you such a gigantic ring if I was going to do that. Now I’m a little insulted that you thought I would propose with just a plain band. No, I would go through like a massive heist and get like a massive gigantic ring with a beautiful crystal, and I would almost die, and I’m pretty sure Tink would die in the heist, and we would have to have a funeral for him… and then I would give you the ring. But again, I don’t think I’m going to do the proposing. I think you will.

NICK: Nolaa snaps her fingers in front of your face.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay twinkle toes. Come back to me. You’ve gone very far down this hole. Are you back?

[giggling]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I’m just saying, I feel like that is how it would happen, but again…

NICK (as Nolaa): That does sound right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just think you would do better at the proposing than me, because like… like I just said, mine would probably involve the death of at least one person.

NICK (as Nolaa): Noted… and trust that I’m not going to spring that on you. We would have a conversation first, and then the proposal would be a surprise, but I would make sure that that’s a commitment you would wanna do before I did it. Also, again, now I’m the person talking about it and I wasn’t thinking about it before and I really did just kinda want… like, I wanted to check on you, but I also deserve kisses like now.

LILIT (as Xianna): You do deserve kisses. I am just saying that, like, it is a conversation that we should maybe have at some other point later on in our relationship, because like… when I get actually married for real, if I do, I would like it to be nice, and with somebody I love, and not somebody that I plan to steal from.

NICK: Nolaa grabs the front lapel of your coat and pulls you in.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well I do love you, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big old kiss.

LILIT: Xianna pulls back.

LILIT (as Xianna): I love you too, mon shu shu. Okay, let’s go make out in the bathroom for a little bit.

[music changes to slow slinky jazz]

NICK: We get a clock wipe and we see Nolaa walking out of the pizza restaurant where Tink and Karma are sitting on a bench outside. Tink is messing with his com and Karma is just watching the traffic. Nolaa is adjusting her blouse and winks at Xianna.

NICK (as Nolaa): Maybe don’t wait so long next time before you all come back. I always do love to see y’all.

NICK: And she turns and walks away very jauntily.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa! Nolaa, wait! You said that, you know, you need to stay low-key with this whole mission we’re about to do, but… I may have already ordered jackets that say NDA on the back which stands for Nolaa’s Dildo Adventure. Is that okay? I can try to return the jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): Um… go ahead and keep those jackets. We’ll find something to wear them to.

NICK: And she smiles real big. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll put them in the closet with the other ones we order.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes ,our adventure jackets. Collect them all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, there was the adventure jackets and the iHappy ones.

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckles] Oh yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): And the ones we have ordered for a possible safari somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, I can’t wait for the safari.

LILIT (as Xianna): And then there were the ones that we ordered for Karma’s birthday. We have to stop ordering jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): I’m gonna be honest, with my specialization in logistics, all of those are gonna show up at the same time and you’re gonna have too many jackets.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah… Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Either way… you all stay frosty.

NICK: And she turns and walks away after throwing finger guns.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Alright, let’s go experience some jizz!

HUDSON: [snickers]

CAMERON: Ugh…

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LILIT: [giggles]

## Outro

LILIT: Thank you for listening to Tabletop Squadron… Um?

[static buzzing interrupts and grows more intense]

What the… fuck is…? What?!

[promo begins, upbeat music]

Chemistro: Alright Cupid, are we recording?

[bird-like animal screeches]

Good! Hey listener, tis I, Chemistro the Match Mage, coming to you from the depths of the crystal sphere where I have been imprisoned. The eons are long here, and to stay sane I have put out the call to wizards across the multiverse… wizards that want to meet other wizards!

SPEAKER 1: I seek, first and foremost, some person who might challenge me in organization.

SPEAKER 2: I would just love to sit down and talk about dark magic over a cup of coffee, or a cup of evil, which is a beverage I invented… mostly made of coffee.

SPEAKER 3: Yes, I did spend a long stint in the sultan’s dungeons for orchestrating a plot against his life, but that is my want as a vizier.

SPEAKER5: You see, I think the teeth are sort of the window to the soul.

Chemistro: Wizard Seeking Wizard is a dating podcast for wizards by wizards featuring personal ads sent in by the magical community where you get to vote on which wizards date each other. Follow us on Twitter at @wiz4wiz or find us wherever you pluck your podcasts from the ether.

… I think that went well. What do you think, Cupid?

[bird-like animal screeches, static interference pulses and fades]

LILIT: Well… okay. That was weird, but anyways.

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.