Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Bonus Episode
Ghozt Hunterz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, Nick here, jumping in at the start of the episode to let you all know that, due to various and widespread personal things going on for the squad, we’re taking a couple of releases off from the main show to get caught up on life stuff. But not to worry, in place of our normal release we’re going to be presenting GHOZT HUNTERZ, our own little audio drama set in-universe. It’s a blast.

This is some content from Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, our Patreon feed. If you like what you hear and you haven’t tried it already, I recommend supporting us monthly through Patreon. At the $5 level you get access to a lot more content like this as well as movie and show reviews and supplementary stories to the main plot. It’s a ton of fun.

We’ll be back to normal releases after we get everything back in order. Now, please enjoy GHOZT HUNTERZ!

##

LILIT: They say that when the spirits of the recently deceased do not move on and merge with the Force that they become ghosts: malevolent spirits that haunt the living. Our goal is to find these ghosts and prove their existence.

HUDSON (as Chuck): I’m Chuck Vortex, former bounty hunter and ghost-catcher extraordinaire. I’mma wrap ‘em and sack ‘em.

CAMERON (as Myra): I’m Myra Flash, a graduate student at Coronet University, and I’m here to perform research for my thesis, ‘Use the Force Ghost: Learning from Our Ancestors.’

NICK (as Phillip): I’m Phillip Laser, galactic businessman and philanthropist, here to prove that ghosts aren’t real and help people to move on… for a profit.

LILIT: Today on Ghozt Hunterz… we investigate the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility, a now abandoned prison built into the mountainsides on the remote planet of Kajim.

It was originally a small fortified settlement built by the local population but was later seized and turned into an army outpost. A few years after that it became a high-security prison that would become famous for housing political prisoners and the sector’s most violent offenders. The prison was shut down after a massive riot that resulted in a handful of deaths and numerous disappearances.

We interview Wiald Textabo’ok for more information.

HUDSON (as Wiald ): [yawns] Yeah, well this particular settlement was founded 8,000 years ago. The original population had built a fortified wall around the city to protect against the now extinct hyperfauna. Built on an expansive catacombs and cave systems in the mountains, it was seized to be used by the Old Republic. The prison was around 150 acres with 10,000 prisoners. Over 100 prisoners have died on this site.

NICK (as Phillip): Um, Wiald … This, uh, 100 prisoners out of 10,000 at any given time, that actually sounds like a pretty good track record. Why do you think the place is haunted?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Ooh yes, you could say they were definitely giving each other… What is it the common folks do? …high fives all around at that type of track record. But, I would say that although it was only 100 listed there may have been more that were unreported as they have found one, to five, to ten mass graves after it was shut down.

CAMERON (as Myra): So you mentioned that there are a lot of cave systems under the mountain. Was that incorporated into the prison?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): So you know how I talked about the one to five to ten mass graves? They actually needed something to do with them, so they got together in a committee and on that day they decided to make a tourist attraction where you could go into the mountain and maze about the catacombs and see the dead bodies.

HUDSON (as Chuck): So uh, Wiald , tell us about the most notorious criminal at this prison.

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Well, um… you could say that possibly the most notorious criminal at this prison was Dapper Dan the Flaming Man. He was known as the Flaming Man because he had a bit of a bent toward pyrotechnics if you will. Before being taken to prison he worked as a pyrotechnics engineer at many major events and concerts, but then all things went bad after his wife left him. He started using his powers for evil and he was later arrested for grand arsony.

Inside the prison he was known as Flaming because he would literally light his arms on fire and wave them around, similar to a windmill, as he went to attack the guards. That ultimately led to his demise because you can only do that a certain number of times and get away with it.

NICK (as Phillip): Dr. Textabo’ok, what would you say their funding level was at towards the end of this building’s tenure as a prison? Were they well-funded or had the Empire abandoned them financially?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): So financial records of the prison are very scarce, mind you, but there are some recorded events of various fundraisers and other kinds of nontraditional funding routes they had to go to. You could say the Empire certainly abandoned them at one point. The lemonade sale did not go as planned as there was arsenic integrated into the lemonade that was being sold and many got ill.

I would also like to add that their GoFundMe made record lows and contributions… I did not even know that you could do record low contributions for a GoFundMe. If you look at their GoFundMe page, no one got refunded and their reward tiers were actually pretty awful if you look at it.

I would say that “Tour of the Prison…” the different tiers that people who contributed to the GoFundMe could attain were very abysmal such as the Make Your Own Prison Suit level. There was also a level where you could stay at the prison for a year which no one took up on. There was also a year’s supply of prison food. All of this, just terrible ideas. Historians look back and say altogether it was a terrible, terrible idea.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now Wiald , you need to be straight with me here. Now do you think this prison’s haunted?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Oh my. Well, um… As a historian I need to, um, not necessarily be in the, uh… I uh, don’t… I… It’s haunted! It just is, it’s just haunted, man! It’s just haunted. [shaken, sobs]

LILIT: Stories about the possible ghosts at the facility have circulated for years. Some say they are the spirits from the original settlement which supposedly buried their dead in the caves within the mountains. Others say they are the ghosts of prisoners who have died over the years. There are even those who claim the ghosts had a role in the riot that contributed to the facility’s closing.

Prisoners and guards alike reported strange activity in the week leading up to the terrible riot. Ominous noises, supplies going missing, and cold spots were all reported. Many claim to have seen the ghostly handprints of a child on cell doors and heard quiet laughter from within the walls.

Was a spirit trying to warn people of the impending calamity or was it trying to incite violence out of vengeance for its resting place being disturbed? We will now talk with a former janitor at the facility.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Yeah, well my name is Marpazine and I was the janitor at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility for 18 and a half years. I called it *KRIF* for short. Oh, you’re gonna have to bleep that, aren’t you? Or do you get to  not bleep it because it is just technically the hyphenation or abbreviation of the *K-R-I-F*?

{*intentionally poorly censored*}

NICK (as Phillip): We’re gonna have to bleep you spelling it, too.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Oh. What’s the rating on this show?

NICK (as Phillip): E-5. It actually is on a children’s network. So, how long did you work at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Eighteen and a half years. I was one day away from retirement when the riot happened. It was an unfortunate situation, and because of a weird legal loophole I did not receive my pension. I did steal many crates of toilet paper, though, so in a way I think I did break even.

NICK (as Phillip): And did you survive the riots?

LILIT (as Marpazine): I’m about 98% positive that I did. However, I saw that one movie, and sometimes ghosts don’t know they’re dead. They’re just walking around living their life. That could be me. Not sure yet. But uh, I eat a bowl of oatmeal every morning for breakfast and I don’t think ghosts can eat oatmeal.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You sound like a straight shooter there, Tex.

LILIT (as Marpazine): The name is Marpazine, not Tex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Marpazine, I apologize. Marpazine, tell it to me straight. What was these ghosts’ demeanors and what was their dietary restrictions? We’ll be bringing food to them to attract them.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Well, I would say most of the ghosts that I encountered were friendly in nature, especially the baby ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh.

LILIT (as Marpazine): The baby ghost mostly just liked to leave sticky handprints on walls and cell doors. I did occasionally find a few baby handprints with blood. It was indeed Human blood. I don’t think it had any connection to those guards that never showed up for work. I think it was just the baby ghost trying to communicate with me.

Not that I made this decision, but shortly before the handprints of blood showed up they did switch out the marmalade in the morning for breakfast from grapefruit to orange, and I think the ghost was just trying to show its displeasure of that situation.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, I see, I see.

LILIT (as Marpazine): As far as dietary restrictions… again, I think the ghost did not like the change in marmalade. I believe the ghost was alright with apple juice. That is actually how I learned the name of the baby ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): What’s the name? What’s the name?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Well you see, most people will just refer to it as “the baby ghost” on account of the very tiny, tiny little baby handprints it leaves. If you’ve seen photos of them, they are quite tiny and you will recognize them. That’s how we knew it was indeed a ghost as none of the prisoners at the time had hands small enough. Even some of the smaller prisoners like the Chadra-Fan didn’t have hands that small.

But you see, I know that the baby ghost’s real name is Franadoo, because one day I was cleaning up some spilled apple juice in the cafeteria and a wind came through and the apple juice leaked out everywhere and spelled it out. That’s how I learned its name.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Thank you much.

NICK (as Phillip): Can I get that name one more time?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Franadoo.

NICK (as Phillip): Oh yes, a classic naming… name.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Uh-huh. That’s why I think the baby ghost is a spirit from the original settlement that this prison was built upon. I think it is, while mostly a benevolent entity, I do think it holds some amount of resentment for its city being taken over and destroyed.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ah. With them babies, you know, what you can usually do is you get a little mobile. You put it above their little head and you spin it around, it does a little bit of a jingle-jangle song, and it just goes right to sleep. Have we tried that on the baby ghost?

LILIT (as Marpazine): I did not, however in the week leading up to the riot a lot of weird supplies went missing including things like keys, so you know, it’s possible that the baby ghost took those to build its own mobile.

CAMERON (as Myra): Have you had any interactions with maybe some of the other ghosts that are reported to be here that maybe are older ghosts? Meaning like the ghost’s age not like how long they’ve been a ghost. And like how they’ve interacted with the prison? I know that there were older ones.

LILIT (as Marpazine): So the majority of my interactions were with the baby ghost. Sometimes you’d just be swiping up vomit in a hallway and you’d hear some tiny little laughter coming out of a vent. You know, I think that was the ghost laughing at me. But, on occasion, I think I did interact with some of the adult ghosts.

There was one that would sometimes just come up to me and say hello, and I didn’t even know it was a ghost for quite some time until I later learned that the prisoner never existed. And that’s when I knew that I had convened with a spirit.

NICK (as Phillip): Where do you find, in your log career at the prison, where have you found the highest concentration of ghostly activity?

LILIT (as Marpazine): So I found the highest concentration of ghostly activity was around the library and in a lot of the hallways connecting the library and in quite just the general area of the southern cell block.

NICK (as Phillip): We’ve heard reports of numerous manifestations. Which are the most common? You mentioned small baby handprints. Did you feel cold spots? Were there objects moved unexpectedly?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Oh yeah, that stuff all happened, especially if I was in the library. Sometimes I would lean some cleaning equipment up against one of the walls or against one of the big vents and then I’d come back a few minutes later and it would have all been moved.

And occasionally, you’d be in a hallway, suddenly you would just get a blast of cold air. It was quite alarming at first, but based on the just miniscule little handprints you would see around I do think that it was meant to be playful in nature and not antagonistic.

LILIT: During the fateful riot, prisoners got ahold of Mandalore cocktails causing a fire that burned down much of the facility. Eight people died and numerous others went missing including the warden.

When interviewed later, some of the prisoners claimed a purple Twi’lek by the name of Xianna was the one who supplied the Mandalore cocktails. Our research did indeed find a criminal by that name. However, imperial records state that she had died nearly a year previously and the Kajim prisoner logs have no record of a purple Twi’lek during that time.

We now interview a former guard of the prison.

NICK (as HK): Hello. My designation is HK-67, but you can call me HK-67. I was a prison guard for several weeks at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility before the closing of the facility after the fateful riot.

CAMERON (as Myra): So you were only a guard for a few weeks prior to? How much ghostly activity did you experience during that time?

NICK (as HK): I did not experience any ghostly activity because ghosts do not exist. While the Force does work in mysterious ways it is mostly focused through the blood of organics and I did not see very much blood of organics that would manifest itself as ghosts or spirits.

CAMERON (as Myra): Um… what about the bloody baby handprints?

NICK (as HK): Excuse me, I must have misheard. Are you referencing particular handprints and their relative size?

CAMERON (as Myra): Yes. The janitor and our researchers said that there’s a baby ghost and it left bloody handprints around the prison. Did you not… Did that not happen while you were there?

NICK (as HK): Xianna! I can hear you laughing from backstage, Xianna.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Whoa! Whoa, is there a ghost? I’m feeling a reading. I’m feeling a reading, y’all. You just referenced one of the ghosts, Xianna, the one who doesn’t exist. [stammers] They don’t have record of them being here, but they’re here, you’re saying it.

NICK (as HK): I now have a better understanding of this interaction. Allow me to start over. Yes, I was terrified. I only worked there a short time but saw many manifestations. I especially heard sounds that could only be generated by a spirit, sounds that went like woo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo… woo-woo.

NICK (as Phillip): Guard HK-67, what did you find that convinced you that there were spirits in this facility?

NICK (as HK): Oh yes, there were numerous disappearances and a spectral purple Twi’lek who got up to all kinds of mischief especially in the library and the southern cell block. That Twi’lek was obviously a ghost and surprisingly good at volleyball.

CAMERON (as Myra): So, I think if… if the ghost was interacting with objects, I believe it’s a poltergeist.

NICK (as HK): You are correct. It is either a poltergeist or a phantasm.

CAMERON (as Myra): Okay. Yes.

NICK (as HK): In fact, that purple ghost, which in no way resembles a living being, is probably responsible for the brutal murder and disappearance of several of the guards before the riots. You should see how big that ghost’s hands are. They are so small. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha… ha-ha-ha-ha.

HUDSON (as Chuck): So you’re saying there was some disappearances from the guards. Now that’s very fishy. How do you link that up with the ghost doing it, though? Wouldn’t a normal ghost just fly right through them if they tried to stab them with a ghost knife?

NICK (as HK): Unfortunately, I am not a ghostologist. I do not know the various definitions of ghosts and their capabilities. However, I would say that these guards were particularly susceptible to being beaten with their own stun rifles until they died… I would guess, from happenstance. But there were numerous handprints, large intimidating handprints all around the scenes that would indicate some sort of large and dangerous being committed these crimes.

Who told you that the ghost was a baby? Who told you that the handprints were tiny? Tell me immediately. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

CAMERON (as Myra): Uh, well so, Wookieepedia says—

NICK (as HK): Who edited Wookieepedia? Have you interviewed anyone else? Please give me their names and addresses.

CAMERON (as Myra): It looks like it was updated by StarDestroyer1?

NICK (as HK): Son of a *kriff.*

CAMERON (as Myra): [nervously] Oh, we’re gonna have to bleep that.

NICK (as HK): Tink… I can see you backstage, Tink. Tink, why did you bring me here? This is humiliating.

CAMERON (as Myra): Something may be wrong with this droid. It keeps talking to people who aren’t here. Either that or this room is really haunted.

LILIT: The Ghozt Hunterz will now spend the night in the remains of the prison hoping to interact with the spirits that live there and find out more.

NICK (as Phillip): Well, my first plan is to go to the basement of the prison, through the catacombs, and attempt to make contact with the, air quotes, “spirit.” Obviously, if you can’t find anything in the most haunted-suggested part of the prison that will help us to disprove this haunting from the beginning. I’ll be bringing this large flashlight with very low batteries and several black and white night vision cameras to catch any motion.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Phil! Phil! Hey Phil. Yo, Phil.

NICK (as Phillip): Yeah, what’s up?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now I saw you got some equipment right there, but do you have and/or need The Vortex?

NICK (as Phillip): I thought we already agreed that you’re going to be using The Vortex up in the cells.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No-no-no, it needs multiple people around it to get a, you know, really get the energy of the room. It needs all the cameras on it, too.

NICK (as Phillip): I guess you could come with me to the tunnels if you want, but—

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now for those viewers who don’t understand what The Vortex is, it is a state of the art piece of equipment I built myself. It is similar to an industrial size vacuum cleaner however it’s been modified to catch ghost.

NICK (as Phillip): Tell the audience how exactly the modifications work.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Well, the modifications work as such. I put in a ghost-finding crystal on the inside of the vacuum. It’s pretty high-tech stuff. It’s really hard to—I don’t have enough time really to sit here and explain it to everybody. So yeah, it usually tells me, it usually glows when we’re near a ghost. I mean, it glows when we’re not near a ghost too, but it’s a different kind of glow. You gotta use it for a while to kind of get the feel of it, you know? … So looks like I’ll be going with you, Phil.

NICK (as Phillip): Sounds good. You know what really makes sense is to go off as a group and leave one of us alone, at night, in this large facility.

CAMERON (as Myra): I think that makes total sense.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ah, so you’re volunteering. Great work!

CAMERON (as Myra): Well my plan was to go to the library because that’s where the janitor said that there was the most activity, so…

HUDSON (as Chuck): You look like you wanna go to the library, nerd. Ha!

CAMERON (as Myra): I mean, I may as well see what they’ve got while I’m here.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Study up, I guess.

NICK (as Phillip): Don’t forget to bring this spirit box. If the ghost activity is high, it will say words that are relevant to the investigation.

CAMERON (as Myra): Yep. Got that, got my glow rod where I’ve loosened the back almost all the way so that just the barest, like, the smallest tap will turn this light on so I can communicate with the ghosts, and I’ve got my audio recorder, and I’ve got all of my cameras, so I think we’re good.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, you’re not good.

CAMERON (as Myra): We’re not good.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You’re missing a vital piece of equipment. That’s just a vital piece of equipment.

CAMERON (as Myra): I thought you were taking The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No-no-no, I am taking The Vortex. That’s not the—I mean, okay, that is a vital piece of equipment. I’m talking about another vital piece of equipment.

Alright, this is the Dual UV Flashlight of Awesomeness. What I did was I took two regular flashlights and two UV flashlights and I formed them in a cross and I put some tape around them in the middle so that you can both use it as a weapon and, with just a flick of the wrist, go from regular flashlight to UV flashlight in two different directions. It’s called omnidirectional. It’s kind of advanced science stuff, you know.

NICK (as Phillip): [chuckling] But did you attach a crystal to it?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Listen. Sounds like you might be making fun of me there, Tex, but no, I did not attach a crystal to this. It does not require a crystal, it just requires some batteries that are very well-charged as long as, uh… I didn’t leave it on last night. It should be pretty charged.

LILIT: We now join Myra in the library.

CAMERON (as Myra): Alright, so I’ve got all of my cameras set up and I’ve got the lights turned off, so… Um, hello! My name is Myra. Um… I just, I’m here if you’d like to talk. I’m just gonna sit over here on this table. I brought this glow rod with me. It’s… You can just tap the back of it and it’ll light up. If you have anything you’d like to communicate, it’s there. And… I’m listening, alright? I am turning on the spirit box.

[static distortion begins]

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh my gosh!

LILIT (as spirit box): [clipped speech]

CAMERON (as Myra): Hello?!

LILIT (as spirit box): [still incomprehensible, more cutting through the static]

CAMERON (as Myra): Is someone here with me?

LILIT (as spirit box): Arby’s. … We got the meat.

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh my gosh. Hopefully I’m picking all of this up on audio.

[spirit box static ends]

LILIT: It was at this moment that Myra’s flashlight rolled off of the table and turned off.

[a thud and a tumble]

CAMERON (as Myra): [gasps] Oh my gosh… Did you turn that off? If you turned that off, flash the flashlight twice, and if you didn’t turn it off, flash the flashlight once.

LILIT: Myra’s flashlight then flashed three times.

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, um… So, was that… Is that a yes to the first question of if you made it light up the first—or go out the first time? Or… is it a no, that wasn’t you, but now you can communicate?

LILIT: When we played back our footage and slowed it down you can see in the bottom of the screen a brief flicker. We believe this was the ghost clarifying Myra’s question. We now join Phil and Chuck in the catacombs.

HUDSON (as Chuck): It’s musty down here.

NICK (as Phillip): It’s a catacombs, Chuck.

HUDSON (as Chuck): If I was a ghost I wouldn’t want to be around here. Why are we looking here?

NICK (as Phillip): Well, everyone knows a ghost doesn’t have any sense of smell. Help me set up these cameras.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): There, that was easy. Now we wait. … Hello. We want to communicate with you.

NICK: Phil rolls his eyes.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright now, I’m gonna warm this thing up. Okay?

HUDSON: I turn on the vacuum and it makes a huge noise.

[vacuum sounds almost overpower the speech]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright. How, uh… How—Can you hear me? Hey, Phil, can you hear me?

NICK (as Phillip): What?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): [stammers] Can you hear me over The Vortex?

NICK (as Phillip): It’s nice of you to ask, but I’m not interested in having sex right now.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No! No Phil, no. No Phil… I—

NICK (as Phillip): [indignant] Why not?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, I—I…

HUDSON: I turn off The Vortex.

[laughter, vacuum sounds end]

HUDSON (as Chuck): No. What the hell, Phil? I was talking about could you hear me over The Vortex.

NICK (as Phillip): What? I couldn’t hear you… Yeah, I couldn’t hear you over The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Okay, I thought—

NICK (as Phillip): Why? What did you hear?

HUDSON (as Chuck): I… [stammers] I heard a very unwanted advance is what I heard.

NICK (as Phillip): [chuckles nervously] Ah, that’s funny. [forced seriousness] Maybe it was the ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh…

[a cloud of bats whooshes by]

NICK (as Phillip): Ah!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Whoa, ah! Whoa, what was that?

NICK (as Phillip): Oh, I think those were bats.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, no-no, I mean it could be bats or it could be the ghost of bats. We weren’t close enough to tell.

NICK (as Phillip): Well you turned The Vortex off. How is it supposed to protect us from the ghost bats?

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, okay, here’s a common misconception. The Vortex doesn’t protect, it captures. It wraps ‘em and sacks ‘em, if you will, once it gets inside The Vortex.

NICK (as Phillip): That is what your tattoo says.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Yeah, wrap ‘em and sack ‘em. It’s what my tattoo does say. I am very, very proud of it. I actually am in the process of trademarking that phrase right there, so…

LILIT: It is at this moment that Phillip’s flashlight also turns off.

NICK (as Phillip): Ah! Who could have predicted this would happen?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Bro, bro, bro… Bro, are you feeling cold right now? I’m feeling so cold.

NICK (as Phillip): I think I could see my breath if I could see at all, but it’s so dark down here.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Bro! Bro! It’s just so cold right now. I feel like I’m in Hoth, just in the snow, just doing like snow angels and I’m drinking a slushy and I’m getting bombarded with just icy icepacks. That’s how cold I feel, man.

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa, did you feel that?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah, yeah, definitely. Hey camera guy, did you get that? Camera guy, did you get this?

NICK (as Phillip): I thought I felt a hand on my shoulder. Was that you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… who’s to know?

LILIT: The crew’s temperature reading showed that the caves were 11 degrees Celsius when they first entered. At this time the temperature reading is showing 10 Celsius.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Wow… Wow, look at that drop. Man, we got real data behind this now. We’re gonna bring this back and everyone will believe me—I mean, believe us.

NICK (as Phillip): Are you there?! … Will you communicate with us? Will you leave us alone?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Where are you?

[eerie winds and faint ghastly wails]

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ooh, oh!

NICK (as Phillip): Did you hear that?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh man, was that—Are you the baby ghost? Do I need to bring you applesauce? What do you desire, baby ghost?

[the winds whistle]

NICK (as Phillip): This is getting too real. I signed up for this just to be on the Holonet and this is… We gotta get out of here. I’m freaking out!

HUDSON (as Chuck): This is what I live for, baby!

NICK (as Phillip): Turn The Vortex back on! It’s gotta catch it. Rack ‘em and sack ‘em the ghost!

HUDSON: I turn The Vortex on.

[vacuum sounds return]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): Do you wanna have sex later?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): What? What was that? What did you say?!

NICK (as Phillip): Do you want to have sex later?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Better not be asking me if I wanna have sex.

NICK (as Phillip): … What?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Did you—

HUDSON: I turn off The Vortex.

[vacuum sounds end]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Did you ask me if I wanted to have sex later?

NICK (as Phillip): No, I asked is that The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): Look, if you want to… I felt this too. If you wanna do something just say something.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Um, yeah, I felt the cold in the room. That’s what I felt. You felt the cold in the room?

NICK (as Phillip): Yeah, I definitely felt some… electricity.

HUDSON (as Chuck): I don’t think there’s any power down here in the catacombs.

NICK (as Phillip): What’s the EMF reader say?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah. Let me get that. Ooh, it’s off the charts! [whispering] I don’t know. How do you read one of these? Hey…?

NICK (as Phillip): Uh, is it beeping?

[“EMF reader” beeps several times, getting more frequent]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, it’s beeping. That’s a good sign here. Aw man, oh, just that baby ghost sniffing out to get in The Vortex, just sniffing around, crawling on its hands and feetsies. … Alright, this could be ghosts. It could also be, uh… some off-hand cell signals, but it’s probably a ghost.

NICK (as Phillip): I think I’ve got the flashlight working again. Quick, help me look for any small handprints.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Wait. Is that a handprint?

NICK (as Phillip): Oh, that looks like a handprint!

LILIT: The crew was able to take photos of a wall in the catacombs. There are indents in the wall that are “possibly” baby hands.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh… I mean, it’s either baby hands or a rat who smooshed its paw in the wall. But still, it’s probably a ghost.

LILIT: We brought these photos to experts for them to analyze and the results were inconclusive.

NICK (as expert): It’s a rat. I mean, it’s inconclusive.

NICK (as Phillip): Look! Look! If you hold the flashlight up against the wall, like this, against these bumps here, it makes a shadow that kind of looks like a baby’s handprint.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Hey look at this, I can make an eagle. Hey look at this, I can make a little kangaroo.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Hey look at this, I can make a little elephant. Ha! Look at this.

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa~! It’s like a ghost of various animals.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, no, that’s just my hands, buddy.

NICK (as Phillip): Oh… okay. We gotta get out of here. This is freaking me out.

LILIT: The crew has survived the night in the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. We join them in the morning now that they have all met up with each other.

NICK (as Phillip): Myra, it’s good to see that you made it.

CAMERON (as Myra): Yeah. I didn’t feel any malicious presence in the library.

NICK (as Phillip): [relieved] Oh…

CAMERON (as Myra): It was very welcoming.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh.

NICK (as Phillip): We felt some malicious presence alright. Tell her, Chuck.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah. We got some cold temperatures. We got some winds going around. It was basically all up in our face. It was almost too much. I think The Vortex couldn’t handle it, almost, but it can because it’s a great tool, but almost, almost couldn’t handle it.

NICK (as Phillip): We heard banging in the distance and, we’ll have to review the audio, but I could have sworn I heard “get out~”

HUDSON (as Chuck): I, uh… you know, our EMF reader was just going off the charts. Like I said, just wind smack you right in the face, just kick you off your feet. You just felt a presence, you know? Like something beyond this world.

NICK (as Phillip): A real connection.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now, I would say that there is a connection, you know, between the other side and this world, but that’s about the only connection I felt down there.

NICK (as Phillip): [disappointed] Oh… well, I can take a hint. Just like these ghosts could take a hint and left so many interesting evidential pieces behind, like these pictures of baby hands that we took. I can’t wait to get them developed and enhanced.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Myra, what about you?

CAMERON (as Myra): So, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t encounter the baby ghost, but I definitely—based on what I was hearing from the spirit box—I feel like I was interacting with the ghost of a teenage boy.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, like about how old?

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, um… hard to say really. There’s really a wide range in there where it would have applied.

There was one moment when I did get very cold, but then I realized that the air conditioner was still running, so I think it was that. It had just come on. I did notice that there was a slight increase in the base room noise when that happened, so I don’t think that one was supernatural. We will have to review the footage to make sure that they lined up exactly, but I’m pretty sure that one was mundane.

NICK (as Phillip): We’ll have to wait until we hear back from the lab when they analyze the footage.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Phil, you’re sounding less and less like a skeptic to me. After this experience, what do you have to say?

NICK (as Phillip): I definitely felt a spirit down there and it was coming for us and I’m just glad we got out when we did. I, um… I’m definitely a believer now. Um… I think I may stay in the production van at the next site, just help with the footage.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now, I don’t know if all of y’all know this, and I did get permission from the producer’s before going through with this, so just hey producers, cut this in here… Alright. I have made a dedication song to the baby ghost that I am releasing on my Bandcamp, SoundCloud, iTunes, Spotify, wherever you get your music except on physical CD. So, here is my tribute to the baby ghost.

“FaracknadI wanna see you~”

That’s all you’re gonna get. You gotta buy the whole song, sorry about that, but it’s a killer song.

NICK (as Phillip): Why didn’t you sing that when we were in the presence of the baby ghost?

HUDSON (as Chuck): I mean…

CAMERON (as Myra): You know, sometimes it takes time to really let the inspiration sink in and have that creativity flow.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You know, the baby ghost would have just been too flattered. It would have been shy and just kinda ran away. I wanted it to come to us. It’s a dedication song, it doesn’t need to be to the dedicator.

NICK (as Phillip): Have you investigated the special vortex ghost-catching apparatus, or as it would be called on a more normal device, the bag vacuum to see if there’s any ghosts stuck in the bag?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Well, the crystal was rattling and rattling around in there. It might have just not been set properly before. I didn’t catch any ghosts this time, but you know, it has its good days and has its bad days.

NICK (as Phillip): So final thoughts? Having felt the presence of a murderous child spirit, Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility is haunted. What do y’all think?

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, it’s 100% haunted.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You know, first I was convinced it was haunted, and I’m still convinced it was haunted. It’s haunted, y’all.

LILIT: No matter your thoughts on whether the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility is indeed haunted the rumors will certainly continue to speculate for many years. Join us next time on Ghozt Hunterz.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 30:
Close Up Magic

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 30 of Tabletop Squadron! The squad is assembled and the time is now. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello~ I’m Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing a riding lawnmower with vampire fangs.

CAMERON: [chuckles] named Tink.

HUDSON: Named Tink.

LILIT: Oh shit, I got the wrong character sheet!

[laughter]

NICK: Yep, that’s for our home game, Hudson. That’s not for the podcast.

HUDSON: Oh… I thought for our home game I was literally Dolly Parton.

NICK: Well that’s the name of the riding lawnmower with vampire fangs.

HUDSON: Oh, got it.

NICK: Dolly Parton the riding lawnmower, famous character trope. I don’t know what that means.

CAMERON: I don’t understand.

HUDSON: Working 9 to 5, gonna cut grass for a living.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Anyways. I’m actually Hudson, and I’m actually playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Lovely. Before we do the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: Wonderful. So, when we last left off, Xianna and her sister Taan had a bit of a conversation about who exactly left who. You met with one of the leaders of the Twi’lek resistance, Colonel Kachadorian, and you managed to be talked into helping the resistance to assassinate the governor of the planet in a desperate bid to help them to secure supplies.

Now, the one hitch with that is that Endo is coming with you, the person you came here to steal the Shattered Force from, and Taan, Taan’na, Xianna’s sister, is also coming. So, this group of four is now a group of six and you have some complicated dynamics going on. That’s where we’re going to start.

We open on the imperial transport tearing through the Ryloth desert towards the capital city of Lessu. It’s a bit of a drive. Flanked on either side are the two speeder bikes from the Afternoon Delight. Everyone is connected by coms so that they’re able to communicate. Taan’na is driving the imperial transport. Who’s on the speeder bikes and who is in the transport?

HUDSON: I’m in the transport. I think I’m with HK.

CAMERON: Yeah, HK and Tink in the transport.

NICK: Okay, so HK and Tink are in the transport and Xianna and Karma are each on a speeder bike. This formation is kicking up dust clouds behind them as you head towards the city. Over the coms you hear Taan’na say:

NICK (as Taan): So, what is the plan? How are we doing this?

NICK: Karma, do you want to give the brief overview?

CAMERON: Sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): Step 1 is a two-pronged approach. One group gets costumes from the ship, one group gets staff uniforms for the mansion. We sync back up. Step 2, infiltrate mansion, going with a “we’re a delegation from, somewhere, and we’re getting a tour of the governor’s mansion as one does,” and then try to get as far up in the mansion as we can. And when things inevitably go wrong, deal with it at that point and break off into combat units.

NICK (as Taan): It’s basic, but I think it will work.

NICK: And Endo turns his head. He’s seated next to HK.

NICK (as Endo): Yes, this will work fine.

NICK: HK keys his com and asks the group:

NICK (as HK): But how will we divide the groups? That seems to be the part we were not able to decide already.

NICK (as Endo): I would be happy to go with Taan’na, and maybe Xianna. I think that group of three with our local knowledge would be very effective.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I had the opposite approach. Y’all have local knowledge so splitting y’all up is very efficient as well.

NICK (as Taan): I don’t know how I feel about that. You all have already said you are going to try to kill Endo. I think he should be protected with all the help he has done for the resistance. I don’t trust you, especially not Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wow. That is just, um… I mean yes, yes, very valid. However, it hurts to hear, you know.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, my sister. How is that drug high treating you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am doing great. You know, it is very good, A+, 100%, we’re good to go.

NICK (as Taan): Extremely trustworthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am an extremely trustworthy person. I have never lied once in my entire life.

NICK: Taan’na turns around in the driver’s chair to make eye contact with those that are in the imperial transport and looks very dubious. HK just does the “eh” hand wiggle gesture.

NICK (as HK): Regardless, we will need to decide how we are dividing our forces before we get there. I imagine we will not have time to argue.

NICK: As Lessu grows on the horizon and you rapidly approach.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine. I go with Taan and Endo and everybody else is in a group. Okay?

NICK (as HK): Are you sure that’s wise? That would put you with two people who presumably want your death.

NICK (as Taan): I don’t want her dead, I just don’t trust her.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know you just met all the rest of us, but are you feeling more trustworthy towards any of us?

NICK (as Taan): No, not really.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought we could be good friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, Tink, you think that about everybody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, me and Endo, it was a rough start but we’re friends now.

NICK (as Endo): He does have a certain air about him that promotes friendship especially when he’s throwing prison shanks into somebody unexpectedly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you haven’t forgotten about that…

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Endo): No… I certainly haven’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as Endo): I vote that I go with Tink’s group.

NICK: And Taan shakes her head while driving.

NICK (as Taan): No, I think we will have me and Xiann and Endo. We will split up. We will gather the uniforms for the servants of the governor’s mansion and the rest of you can pick up whatever else you need, and we will meet just outside. But first, we will need to get through the blockade that is clearly in front of the gates.

NICK: The camera zooms out and there are three of the imperial transports just like yours arrayed on the far side of this flickering drawbridge that Lessu has, and you all are slowing to a stop. Who all is going to try to talk your way through this as a stormtrooper with an orange pauldron gestures for… I don’t know why, but is gesturing for the window to be rolled down on the imperial transport because (mumbles) that works.

LILIT: Roll the window down.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: It’s a crank window.

HUDSON: [laughing] It’s a crank window.

NICK: Seeing a Twi’lek driving it, says:

NICK (as stormtrooper): State your business. That’s an imperial transport.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, there is a very good explanation for that which my friends will provide immediately.

LILIT: So Xianna pulls up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes. Ello. So, the transport was actually bought at an auction. It is a decommissioned one. So we are just bringing it, you know, back to return it, because you don’t want some decommissioned transport just in town. That would be terrible, right? Anybody could just buy it and then drive it around, and you don’t want that kind of confusion. So we are donating it back.

NICK (as stormtrooper): You’re… You bought it just to give it back to the Empire?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. We are very loyal patriots.

NICK (as stormtrooper): Hmm… I think there needs to be some sort of Charm or Deception roll here.

[chuckling]

LILIT: How about a Deception roll?!

NICK: Yeah, that sounds good. Stormtrooper captain does not appear convinced. You have two black dice on this Deception check by the way, and it’s hard difficulty.

LILIT: I can remove black dice with ranks in Convincing Demeanor.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Two successes.

NICK: Great. So, the stormtrooper doesn’t appear convinced, but you’re also able to do the move where you quickly flash passage papers, but you do it quickly enough that it looks confident but too fast for them to really be able to read them, and it’s actually just a receipt for some pizzas from Coruscant or something.

NICK (as stormtrooper): Well, we haven’t had any notifications of stolen transports, so you’re free to enter the city, but don’t make any trouble. I’ll be watching you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you so much. You have a great day.

LILIT: Xianna does a little tiny salute.

LILIT (as Xianna): And um… long live the Emperor I guess.

[chuckling]

NICK (as stormtrooper): Move along.

NICK: As you’re pulling away, after you say “long live the Emperor,” you can hear Taan’na grumbling in Twi’leki under her breath at you having said “long live the Emperor,” and you pull away. We get a swipe cut to you juggling who’s going where. We see Tink get onto the speeder bike and Xianna climb into the transport. HK grabs onto Tink’s back and the speeders split away heading towards the Afternoon Delight and the transport heads towards one of Taan’na’s contacts.

We’ll start with the crew pulling up to the Afternoon Delight. The ship is still locked down at the spaceport where you left it. You park your speeder bikes and go into the ship. You all head towards the costume closet, I imagine.

CAMERON: Well, so first, we walk the speeders up the ramp and put them back in their cargo bay.

NICK: Okay. So the speeders are safely stowed on the ship. You hear a squeaking from near the hot tub as you walk out of the storage area as Creamsicle welcomes you back, but then she gets distracted by some cookies that Xianna hid in the shag carpeting to keep her distracted.

CAMERON: Ew. [laughs]

NICK: You all head towards the costume closet. What kind of clothes are you getting for this infiltration?

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, so… HK, you’re good, you’re a bodyguard.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, I know who I am, you don’t even have to say it, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Who are you, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m Han Yolo, the very mysterious and exciting magician.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh okay, I wasn’t… I wasn’t gonna go as far as assigning names, I was just going to, like… HK doesn’t need a costume because he can just be with us as a droid.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re saying you don’t want a name? Because I already have yours picked out and the badges printed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, we have badges?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is my name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Cantaloupe McGuire.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh good. [laughs uneasily] Great. Awesome.

NICK (as HK): What will my designation be, Boss Man?

HUDSON (as Tink): You are… Do you want a Human name or a robOt name?

NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you put the accent on the O in robot, but I do not care either way. I trust your judgement.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are now Tits McGee.

NICK (as HK): This name does not seem appropriate as I do not possess tits or a McGee.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you’re like… tits in like the “oh yeah, that show was tits, the tits.” You know?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s an affirmation. It’s a… It’s a way to say things are good, so you’re a good name, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is it?

NICK: HK puts his hands on his hips and pops one hip out.

NICK (as HK): Stop trying to make tits a thing, Tink. Tits will never be a thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s a thing.

NICK (as HK): Fine, I am Tits McGee.

NICK: You can hear him rolling his eyes even though they don’t move. You proceed to the closet. What clothes do you put on if you are a magician going to the governor’s mansion?

HUDSON: Business suit and a magician’s hat and one of those weird magician… not canes but like, it’s like a black stick with white at the end. Like a cue? What are those? [laughs]

NICK: Yep. So it is a cane, it’s just not useful as a cane in any way because it’s too short.

HUDSON: Yeah.

LILIT: I thought it was supposed to be like a wand cane.

HUDSON: Yeah, I thought it was like a wand, kind of, but I couldn’t think of the word.

NICK: Yeah, magic stick wand. Anyway. Karma, Cantaloupe McGuire, what does your outfit look like?

CAMERON: So, Karma ends up in a pantsuit very reminiscent of Luke’s black with just the little bit of white collar. I am still wearing my boots.

NICK: Okay, so you have a pantsuit with these plate armor dragon boots peeking out of the bottom.

CAMERON: Well so it ends up looking very much like a Texas businessman wearing cowboy boots with his nice suit.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: So you just see, it’s like… you can see the toe and the heel of the boot but you can’t see all the scales that go up the calf.

NICK: Are you wearing your full armor under this business suit?

CAMERON: Yes. [chuckles]

NICK: Okay. Your armor is pretty sleek because it’s made out of such strong material, so it’s just a little lumpy in some weird places, but you’ll probably be able to get away with it.

CAMERON: But to go along with this pantsuit she is wearing a Lando style cape.

NICK: Ooh, very nice.

CAMERON: [laughing] Because she has to be able to hide her weapons under something.

NICK: So they’re tucked under the wide cape?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Alright. HK disappears into the closet for a second and comes out and magnets a pair of what look like Ray-Ban sunglasses onto his face.

NICK (as HK): There, now I am security. Tits McGee, reporting for duty.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhausted] Good. Great.

CAMERON: We also grab an additional outfit because Endo is going to need one.

NICK: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: Because Endo is not a Twi’lek.

NICK: So you grab an outfit for Endo. What kind of clothes do you get him?

CAMERON: A very out-of-style suit.

NICK: Okay. Is it like a strange color?

CAMERON: It clashes with him.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: That’s all I know. [laughs]

HUDSON: And it has a ketchup stain.

CAMERON: Oh no! [laughs]

NICK: It’s a light gray suit because he’s really dark and silvery, so it’s just like a not-matching color. It looks very strange, and there’s a ketchup stain on the lapel. As you all walk out of the ship and start to head towards the rendezvous point near the—

CAMERON: (Boop-bwoop)!

NICK: And lock your ship near the governor’s mansion. We cut away to the imperial transport. Xianna, where did you go to secure yourself some Twi’lek staff outfits?

LILIT: In town there is a dry-cleaning and tailor shop that a lot of the rich people in the city still use, so they know that they can find the staff uniforms there, both ones that are being dry-cleaned and new ones that are being made, so there would be a wide range of different sizes to choose from. The shop owners, while not fully within the rebellion, are pretty sympathetic and have been known to look the other way if their shop is quote-unquote “broken into,” so it’s a relatively easy place to acquire uniforms from.

NICK: Taan’na walks up to the back door and starts to override the electronic lock, and the door swings open, and you see a middle-aged Twi’lek man. He’s green and has a bit of a paunch and looks down at where Taan’na was fiddling with the lock.

NICK (as Twi’lek): No, don’t override the lock. It’s a new one. Just come in, come in now.

NICK: So, she heads inside and starts negotiating with this guy. You can see that they’re really just discussing price and what it will take to keep him quiet. You and Endo are left in the transport as Taan’na secures the staff uniforms that you need.

NICK (as Endo): You won’t be making this out alive, little Twi’lek. Where are you keeping your pieces of the Shattered Force?

LILIT: Xianna turns around and props her arm on the back of the seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): I hid them in your mother’s butt. That’s where we hid them.

NICK (as Endo): You sound brave, but the harder you make this the worse it’ll be for you. I will grant you a clean death. Tell me where you are keeping the items.

LILIT (as Xianna): [confident and sarcastic] Oh my goodness, a clean death. Wow. So befitting of a warrior such as myself. I have definitely never been threatened before. Do you know how many times people have shot me, Endo? Like, this is me we are talking about. I have been shot at and shot many times. I have been stabbed. I almost drowned once. Like, what are you going to do to me?

NICK: There is a flicker. It feels a lot, now that you’re looking straight at him, it feels a lot like when there’s a flash of lightning or the lights flicker and you’re not sure if you blinked or if you saw something, and he’s no longer in the passenger seat upfront, he’s sitting next to you, and he has a vibro-dagger pressed up near your neck, not touching.

NICK (as Endo): You’d be surprised how long I can make a death last. Don’t push me. Where are they?

LILIT (as Xianna): So, it is very cool, the spooky Jedi Force shit you are doing, but like I have met actual Jedi before. You just don’t have the same vibes, you know? And anyways, I already told you where we hid them. We hid them up your mother’s butt, just right up in the butthole.

NICK: [chuckles] He is starting to get frustrated. You can tell.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are just WAY up there, Endo.

NICK: Even though his face is mostly chitin and mechanics, you can tell that he’s getting frustrated by the slight tremor in this vibro-blade.

NICK (as Endo): I will have to kill you and ask your friends.

NICK: And then the dagger is gone, and Taan’na is walking back towards the transport holding two uniforms on hangers. He gives you a friendly elbow when she’s looking at you.

NICK (as Endo): And that’s why I’ve been helping the rebellion so much.

LILIT: Xianna immediately leans over.

LILIT (as Xianna): Taan… Taan, Endo threatened to kill me. He like pulled a knife out and everything.

NICK (as Taan): So?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you’re not going to say anything to him?

NICK (as Taan): Endo.

NICK (as Endo): Y-Yes?

NICK (as Taan): As annoying as I’m sure Xianna is, she is still my sister, so please wait until after the mission to gut her like a blurrg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Great. Thank you. Love that familial love and care that is coming through.

NICK (as Taan): We cannot do this now. We just can’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, let’s just go do the job so that I can kill Endo first.

NICK (as Taan): And I’m taking the higher rank staff uniform. You get the low rank one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine. Whatever. But like, I am a better liar than you, so I feel like I should get the higher one.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, so you’re—

LILIT (as Xianna): Just saying, I am older, so I should get the higher ranking one.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, so you’re good at lying. Remember when you were all “oh, you can trust me, it’s been so long, I’ve been trying to help you”?

LILIT: [chuckles quietly]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Yes. Not all of that was a lie.

NICK (as Taan): Fine. Try on the high-ranked uniform. I’d love to see it.

NICK: There’s a circle wipe, and the higher-rank uniform was sized for Taan’na, so it’s like high-water pants and short sleeves.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, it looks very good on you. You’ve done a great job with it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Fine. Fine, whatever, we will switch back. I just… [exhales] I hate you, okay? You know that? This sucks. You suck!

NICK (as Taan): That’s really a shame because I love you and I missed you quite a bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): No you did not.

NICK: And she stares at you with a look that would look like she was trying to intimidate somebody. You’re not sure how to interpret it, though.

NICK (as Taan): Oh well. Give me back the uniform.

NICK: There’s another circle wipe and you all are dressed. The uniforms look pretty much identical except for some scribbling in Aurebesh on the lapel. Endo is tapping his foot from the passenger seat.

NICK (as Endo): Can we go now? Is this going to be the whole mission? Because I may just have to kill you both for the purpose of the resistance at this point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, Endo. Stop being so whiney.

NICK (as Endo): I’m the… You all need to work out your issues, away from me.

LILIT (as Xianna): What? Does it look like we have time to go to therapy right now? No. We have to go kill a man, okay? We will do therapy later.

[laughter]

NICK: So, there is a wipe and we see the crew gathered in an alley that’s one street over from the beginning of the governor’s palace. There is a servants’ entrance nearby. There’s also the main doors. There’s a couple of different options. Taan’na is tapping on a data pad trying to make sure that everything is ready. Endo is doing the thing where you take the point of the knife and just press it into your finger and twist the knife back and forth by the hilt.

You all are ready to split up. Endo is now wearing a business suit. It’s that light charcoal gray that clashes with his chitin so poorly and there’s a red stain on the lapel.

NICK (as Endo): You didn’t have anything else for me to wear?

CAMERON (as Karma): We were shockingly running low on your size.

NICK (as Endo): And what’s with this name badge?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, we also ran out of identities, so I had to give you that one. Sorry about that.

NICK: What does it say?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, you got Beefus Tuesday.

NICK (as Endo): Beefus Tuesday…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. You could do Beef for short.

NICK (as Endo): You’re a magician?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah. Han Yolo at your service.

NICK (as Endo): And Cantaloupe McGuire over there is, what? What’s your cover story?

CAMERON (as Karma): I have no fucking idea.

NICK (as Endo): Sounds good. We’re off to a great start.

NICK (as Taan): Well, if we are done with the arguing and everything else going on, it’s time to go. First we have to get in. We will be able to go through the staff entrance. Are you sticking with us for now, other group, or are you going through the front?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll stick together for now.

NICK (as Taan): Okay. Let’s go.

NICK: You all walk towards the governor’s mansion. The governor’s mansion is distinctive to say the least. The city of Lessu is a giant mountain surrounded by walls with a laser bridge covering a gap to allow you into the city. The governor’s mansion is the peak of that mountain. It’s at least five or six stories tall in a tiered wedding cake kind of pattern. It also has walls.

You can see cameras all over the outside of it. There’s both droid and Twi’lek patrols of security wandering around and peeking out of windows. This place is a fortress. You walk up to a door that’s been labeled Staff Entrance and there’s a little keypad, and you’re gonna have to get past it. What do you do?

CAMERON: As we are walking over towards the door, Karma holds Xianna slightly back from the group.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, are you gonna be okay with the two of them?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, most likely. There is like a 30% chance Endo will just straight-up murder me before we finish, but like, I am hoping to kill him first.

CAMERON (as Karma): So if you kill him, what’s that going to do with you and your sister? Is it enough that she’d then turn on you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, worst case she tries to kill me and then I just run away and we don’t speak to each other for another decade. There is not a huge amount of relationship currently there, so it’s not like I can ruin it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, you could definitely ruin it still.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t think she would truly try to kill me. I think she would threaten to and then shoot at me, but if I ran away she would let me and then just kind of yell that she will kill me later, but really that’s never going to happen. Then like in a decade we will reconnect and we will get past all of this and then have a really good relationship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I can tell you’ve given this a lot of thought.

LILIT (as Xianna): Worst case she just does actually try to kill me and I have to escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… just be careful. We’re on coms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh!

CAMERON (as Karma): I know you were gonna be reckless.

LILIT (as Xianna): We should have gotten some drugs so we could poison Endo and make it look like an accident.

CAMERON (as Karma): … You know, if we planned better, we could have, but I think it’s a little late for that. But, be careful. We’re on coms if you need us. Try not to kill him unprovoked, and hopefully everyone’s still okay by the time we meet back up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes. Also, he can like teleport and shit, so watch out for that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s concerning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Anyways, let’s go hack that door.

LILIT: Xianna walks up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, do you want to help me get the door open?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sure. I know this system, it’s uh… Cyclonic System.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, you just made that up.

HUDSON (as Tink): I certainly did not.

HUDSON: I start hitting the buttons. I try 1-2-3-4. I try 1-2-3. I try 1-1-1-1. I try to push my handprint. Maybe it wasn’t actually numbers this whole time.

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, you tried pointer, middle, ring finger, pinky finger. You tried pointer, middle, ring finger. You tried pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, and then you put your hand up to it and it scans and goes (error noise).

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK: Because it’s a lock, on a door.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, slice it. You know, that is why you are here in this crew, to slice things.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, slicing isn’t just about coming up and being like… I mean, it’s usually about coming up to a machine and being super cool and getting into it quickly, but sometimes it takes time and guesswork.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink, you have done this before. Just go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Does this have to be one of the times that it takes time and guesswork?

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a craft.

NICK: You notice that there are several cameras pointing directly at you all. [laughs] Observing the delay here.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: You’ll be able to hack it without them seeing what you’re doing, but it’s…

HUDSON: Do I roll for it, though?

NICK: Yeah, go ahead and roll. It’s an easy check, but you have two black dice. Flip a dark side point to upgrade one of those, so upgrade the purple to a red for me, please, Tink.

HUDSON: And then I also get two blue dice for data breaker. Yeah. Four successes and three advantages.

NICK: Oh. Wow. Okay. Yeah, you pop the door open very, very quickly. Is there anything you would like to spend those advantages on?

HUDSON: Um… I find something special in my pocket.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Mm-hmm~?

HUDSON: It’ll come up later.

NICK: Okay…

LILIT: I don’t like the sound of that.

NICK: So you all get into the governor’s mansion.

NICK (as HK): So now it’s time to split up.

HUDSON (as Tink): [musically, mumbling] As we go off, we’re together…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Everybody have fun. Nobody die. Remember to kill the governor.

NICK (as HK): Maybe we shouldn’t say that out loud in the governor’s mansion.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, who’s gonna hear us? There’s nobody around.

NICK: So you have this hallway. Endo, Xianna and Taan’na go left. Karma, Tink and HK go right. There’s a shot of them looking at each other saying have fun and then it’s (bursting whoosh) and they both take off running down the hallway. We get a quick montage of you all investigating the palace. Could everybody give me one scene of one thing that you do before you run into any major opposition as you explore?

LILIT: The screen is black, and then three camera shots slot down into place so we have a lovely tryptic of Xianna looking at various pieces of art as if she was about to steal them.

[laughter]

LILIT: There’s certainly a vase, there’s a small painting, and a piece of jewelry on display. Why is there a diamond necklace on display in the hallway? Don’t ask. But there is definitely a shot of Xianna looking eye-level with it, checking out the security on it.

NICK: Yeah. We see you reach out and grab the necklace and start to lift it, and the camera zooms around behind it and there’s a little latch attached to an alarm system and the latch starts to jiggle, and then Xianna sets it back down, sees the latch, sees that it’s alarmed, and gives an annoyed sigh at how long it would take. And Taan from the end of the hallway saying:

NICK (as Taan): Come on. There’s no need to admire the scenery. Let’s go.

NICK: And Xianna gives the sigh and fist down by the side angry stomp down the hallway.

HUDSON: I turn to Karma and HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): Stop! Stop. Guys, guys, guys. Come over here.

HUDSON: And I pulled them aside.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, Tits, you want to, uh, you wanna see—

NICK (as HK): Oh right, I am Tits McGee.

HUDSON (as Tink): You wanna see a magic trick?

NICK (as HK): Yes. I am not sure why, but I absolutely with all of my being want to see a magic trick.

HUDSON (as Tink): Take this handkerchief right here out of my pocket.

HUDSON: He starts pulling it out and there’s a bunch of linked rainbow handkerchiefs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Keep pulling… Keep pulling.

NICK: HK grabs it and begins to pull the handkerchief out, and then goes faster and faster and faster with mechanical precision, and it’s like, what, 25 feet?

HUDSON: Yeah. As he’s doing that I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. As you’re distracted—I mean, as you’re working on the handkerchief, what’s this behind your ear?

HUDSON: And I go up to grab something behind his ear and it’s a really oiled up credit.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I hate to ruin the illusion, but I do not possess ears. There is no way physically that could have been lodged on the side of my head.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… magnets?

NICK (as HK): Also, why is it oiled up?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s why we have the handkerchief. Don’t ask why it’s oiled up.

NICK (as HK): Order acknowledged.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Finally, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): [apprehensive] Yes?

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Would you like some flowers?

HUDSON: Then I take my wand and I bash it towards her, like over and over again. The flowers aren’t coming out, and I hit it with my other hand, and then I’m finally like:

HUDSON (as Tink): What the…? Ugh!

HUDSON: I hit it on the table a few times, and then the flowers come out the other end and rip up my wrist.

CAMERON: [giggling] Oh no.

HUDSON: Holding it upside-down.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh. Are you okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): [gritted] Yeah… Yeah. Just, you know… you know what they say, in magic there will be pain.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have never heard anyone say that.

HUDSON (as Tink): They say that, right Tits?

NICK (as HK): You did say that right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, so they say it. Anyways, do you want these flowers?

HUDSON: And there’s like some blood on the ends of the flowers.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I think that’s almost all of my tricks, but maybe there’s one last trick up my sleeve that we’ll see later.

HUDSON: As I look out toward the camera.

NICK: Great. The group continues on. Cameron, what is another thing during this infiltration, maybe related to the infiltration in some way? [laughs]

CAMERON: Oh… Well, I mean, the scene starts off with Karma placing the slightly bloody bouquet of flowers into a vase that we pass in the hallway.

NICK: It’s an incredibly expensive vase.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: It says it’s some sort of artifact from 100,000 years ago or something.

CAMERON: She does pick something that isn’t, like, something that was stolen from the Twi’leks.

NICK: Yeah, it’s from, like… it’s a Jedi artifact or something.

CAMERON: Oh okay. Yeah, screw it then. We’ll put some bloody flowers in it. We probably all end up with champagne at one point.

NICK: [smiling] Okay.

CAMERON: When we’re walking. One of us has balloons that we just keep letting go of around cameras.

NICK: Good. Very good. So, you’re looking more casual with your champagne and some of the cameras have been obscured, and I’m going to need a Stealth check from both groups to see how far into this you get without being detected. It’s going to be hard difficulty.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we’re wearing staff uniforms?

NICK: Sure.

[laughter]

CAMERON: So the Karma, Tink and HK group has four successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow!

LILIT: The Xiann, Taan and Endo group has five successes, three advantages.

NICK: Well dang.

CAMERON: On my purple die I only rolled one threat.

HUDSON: Nice.

NICK: Okay. Um… You’re able to traverse this entire facility. Nobody sees you. You’ve ducked out of the way of stormtroopers several times and of actual staff for the mansion several times.

CAMERON: Oh! Six advantages!

NICK: Oh, because you get an added one?

CAMERON: I get an added one for my armor. I forgot.

NICK: Yeah. Does that count even if you’re wearing clothes over it?

CAMERON: I mean, it’s an armor mod.

NICK: Yeah, I guess so.

CAMERON: It never says you have to be able to see my armor. [laughs] It just makes me quieter somehow.

NICK: You all are able to continue onward very easily. You avoid several guard patrols, no one sees you, and you’re working your way higher and higher in this mansion.

Karma, Tink and HK find themselves outside of a large double door that’s wooden and has two very big battle droids standing on either side of it. They look modified. They look like imperial design but not one that you’ve seen before. They have double cannons. They appear to have missiles. They appear to have sensor suites. These are weapons of war that are in this hallway.

HUDSON: So we’re in front of the robots, right?

NICK: You’re like around the corner. They haven’t detected you yet, but the next big obstacle you have is… this door looks very much like an entrance to, say, the office of the governor or something. You’ve made your way as far up as you can and there is just some war material sitting here.

HUDSON: It’s at night, right?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: Like, that’s when we’re coming in? Okay.

NICK: Yeah, I think y’all decided to go at nighttime.

HUDSON: I get on coms and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Everyone. Before we go any further, I just had a thought. I need help processing this. What if we find the governor in their bed and they sleep in the nude? Won’t that be a little weird? I’ve never killed someone in the nude before.

NICK (as HK): I have. I’m nude all the time by definition. That’s how I usually kill people.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I guess that’s true for you. I just don’t… Do we have them put on clothes before? I don’t know.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, it is not that hard, you just shoot them.

NICK (as Endo): Tink, keep this channel clear. This is unprofessional. You’re going to get us caught.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also HK, I feel like you are a different situation because Tink is upset about killing somebody who is naked whereas you are naked when you kill people.

NICK (as HK): Oh. I have also killed naked people.

NICK (as Endo): Why are we still talking?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we get off the coms now. Bye~ See you all later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Love you~

NICK (as HK): Bye, secondary user.

LILIT (as Xianna): Love you bye~

[chuckling]

NICK: Taan can’t help but smile at that conversation a little bit. Endo is emanating murderous rage right now. You’ve seen several times where he has maneuvered to try to fall behind with you where Taan wouldn’t see or to get ahead to do something and you’ve managed to expertly keep in the middle of the group in between the two of them, so he hasn’t been able to do anything yet. But we are back to Karma, Tink and HK in front of this door.

CAMERON (as Karma): So…

HUDSON (as Tink): Tits, you got this, I think. You’re a droid, they’re droids.

NICK (as HK): I can absolutely attempt to kill them. Their armor does not appear that thick. Please stand by. Charging suppressing fire—

HUDSON (as Tink): No. Wait, wait, wait. No, hold on. No, not charge… wait. I meant like talk it out.

NICK (as HK): I was very excited.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you can, I mean—

NICK (as HK): You want me to talk to the droids?

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, I’d love for you to talk to the droids and just figure out their deal. Maybe they can be paid off. Maybe they love magic and they have a childish wonder that can distract them as we enter.

NICK (as HK): Okay.

CAMERON: Oh gosh…

NICK: [smiling] HK walks around the corner and starts to head towards these two battle droids. Who wants to play the two battle droids?

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: I’ll play one.

NICK: Yeah, so it’ll be Lilit and Cameron playing these battle droids. As HK walks down the hallway you can see just a massive amount of weapons pointed at HK. These battle droids are tracking as he walks nonchalantly closer. Even though he’s still carrying his large rifle they don’t seem to necessarily see that as a threat.

NICK (as HK): Hello, fellow non-organics. I can’t believe how weak those organics are. Am I right? Ha-ha, ha-ha.

LILIT (as battle droid): Yes, we all know that organics are weak.

CAMERON (as battle droid): Ha-ha.

LILIT (as battle droid): What is your stated business?

NICK (as HK): I am here to—Oh, I am not supposed to tell you my business. I am supposed to see if you have a deep-seated wonder in close up magic.

CAMERON (as battle droid): Your business is to see if we have a deep-seated wonder in close up magic?

NICK (as HK): Yes. It seems to be very, very childish that someone sent me to ask you if you are interested in something that someone can do, but here we are. Am I right? Organics. Ha-ha. … Anyway, can I get past you with some of my compatriots to visit the person you are protecting? I would appreciate it.

LILIT (as battle droid): May I admit something to the group?

NICK (as HK): Absolutely.

LILIT (as battle droid): I actually do have a deep-seated childlike wonder of magic.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as battle droid): It has always intrigued me how the organics can move their digits in a way where I do not see the coin.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did someone say Han Yolo?

HUDSON: And I start running toward them.

CAMERON (as battle droid): No.

NICK (as HK): This is my associate, Han Yolo, magician extraordinaire. By the way, my designation is 7175-MCG33.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, Tits is my associate here.

HUDSON: Then I just swoosh my cape. I have found a cape at this point. I don’t think I started with one.

[laughter]

NICK: It’s a tablecloth.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you ready for some… wonder?

LILIT (as battle droid): Roger-roger.

HUDSON (as Tink): What about you? Wait. Let’s first get a little talking going on. What are y’all’s names?

LILIT (as battle droid): I am battle droid designation 5247.

CAMERON (as battle droid): I am battle droid designation B3-3F.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Battle droids. Alright, we got a good crowd tonight. We got a good crowd tonight~ Alright, for my first trick, I’m gonna pull out this deck of cards. I want you to, uh… I shuffled these before, just believe me. Pick a card, 5317.

NICK: And I need you to roll a Skulduggery check, Tink, to show how good your close up magic is. These droids have a very good Perception, so it’s going to be two purples and a red versus your Skulduggery.

HUDSON: I’d like to flip a light side point.

NICK: Okay, and you can have a blue die because 5247 has a deep-seated wonder in magic.

HUDSON: [laughs] This is gonna be a little tricky. Three failures, one advantage.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Uh… describe how this trick goes, Hudson.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Pick a card, any card.

LILIT (as 5247): I picked the 7 of Clubs.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you can’t say what… [stammers] Okay, um… Alright, I’m taking the card back. I’m gonna just shuffle these all… Was this your card?!

HUDSON: And I try to flip it up real cool-like, like try to flip the card up but I actually just reveal my whole hand and it just flies everywhere and all the cards are 7 of Clubs, the whole deck.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as 5247): I do not feel like it is fair if the entire deck is the 7 of Clubs.

CAMERON (as B3-3F): Wait, 5247, what if the magic trick was that all of the cards became the 7 of Clubs when you picked it?

LILIT (as 5247): Oh. That would have indeed been an interesting magic trick. The sleight of hand would have been quite impressive. However, he has fumbled them all over.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh… well, uh… ooh.

LILIT (as 5247): Are you even a magician if you cannot do this simple trick? I am beginning to doubt your credentials.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you questioning Han Yolo?

NICK: HK says…

NICK (as HK): The real magic was the friends we made along the way.

NICK: …and shoots the back of the head of one of the droids.

[laughter]

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from—

LILIT (as 5247): [pathetic death cry sounding just like Clone Wars cartoon droids]

[laughter]

NICK: We’re gonna cut away from that to Xianna and Taan’na and Endo. You find yourself in a large empty room. It looks like it’s a ballroom, but the tables have been pushed up against the walls. You’re close to the top. You’re pretty sure that if you can just find the next staircase you’ll probably be up at the governor’s office and from there be able to quickly find the governor.

Xianna, it’s night, the lights are off except for some emergency lighting so it is pretty dark, and I need you to make a hard Perception check.

LILIT: Three successes.

NICK: So you notice as, from right behind Taan’na, Endo disappears, and you also notice as he appears right behind you and lunges to attack you, so it will be an upgraded difficulty for him. Cameron, roll me a melee attack with three yellows versus two purple and a red.

LILIT: Oh shit, I’m not wearing my coat.

NICK: Uh-oh.

LILIT: I lose my Defense.

CAMERON: Just one success.

NICK: Just one success… So Xianna, you take 5 damage, Pierce 2, as he stabs you in the back as you’re trying to turn around. You’re able to dodge a majority of the blow, but he still hits you.

LILIT: Okay. My Soak value is only a 2.

NICK: Okay, so 5 damage.

LILIT: So 5 damage… Okay.

NICK: Ow.

LILIT: Wow.

NICK: Taan… You can see your sister looking around in the dark trying to figure out what the sudden flurry of motion is.

NICK (as Endo): I told you I would kill you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Oh my god, Endo, I thought we were going to be civilized and wait until after we murdered the governor, but like, I guess we can fucking do this now.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

# Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 29:
We’re All In

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 29 of Tabletop Squadron! I’m your host and game master, Nick, and I hope that you are having a beautiful and sunny Thursday… unless it’s nighttime and not Thursday, in which case I hope you are having a beautiful and not sunny whatever the day is. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Fantastic. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I hope you’re having a pleasant Tuesday. You know, I got a one out of seven shot, so I’m taking those odds.

NICK: I was sitting on the edge of my chair going “are we gonna get through introductions without a bit,” and we almost made it, and I’m glad we didn’t.

LILIT: Nope.

NICK: That’s good. That would have been outside of our brand.

LILIT: We are 69% bits.

HUDSON: [game show stinger]

NICK: Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: Two dark side.

[somber western style guitar begins]

NICK: When we last left off you all had arrived on Lessu, managed to find a contact with Carson Agen, an underground smuggler on the planet of Ryloth who had a penchant for blurrg racing and pointing people in the right direction. You were able to get the information you needed. You took your two speeders from the Afternoon Delight and went off to attempt to find Endo the Tognath who has several of the pieces of the Broken Force, which is your goal to collect these.

You came upon a group of Twi’lek resistance fighters who were attacking an imperial supply caravan and “helped” with that. Some of you helped, some of you were also there. And were surprised to see Endo and his crew of no-good pirates jump in to assist with dispatching the Empire. The last thing we saw was Xianna seeing her sister amongst the fighters and Endo was able to somehow teleport near to you and say that she wanted to speak to you, and that’s where we are going to start.

You all are able to hop onto your speeders and follow the imperial transport and some other speeders that appear to have been hidden up along these mesas. We open after this trip on the base of operations for the Ryloth resistance forces. It’s hidden in the wilderness outside of Lessu, close enough for sabotage operations but far enough away that the Empire hasn’t discovered it yet. I want everybody to give me a detail of what this base looks like or how the resistance is operating here to try to kick the Empire off of Ryloth.

[guitar music ends]

CAMERON: Did we establish that it’s in a cave?

NICK: Nope.

CAMERON: Okay, it’s in a cave.

NICK: Okay, it’s in a cave. Give me a little more.

CAMERON: It’s in a cave! Built into—So there’s this huge mesa out in the middle of… flatness, and basically the entire thing on the inside is hollow, and that’s where the base is set up. So it’s basically like a giant ship hanger but inside of a rock.

HUDSON: Tink’s walking through there and just looks around and says:

HUDSON (as Tink): This place is less of a mesa and more of a messa. Who’s cleaning around here?

CAMERON: Probably because of all of the dust.

LILIT: Yeah.

HUDSON: [laughs] Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs] Being in a desert.

NICK: And the blurrgs. They have a small pen of blurrgs.

CAMERON: Hmm.

LILIT: Inside you can see that a lot of the speeders and ships and equipment they have is old Clone War items that were left that have been repaired and pieced together and sort of Frankensteined over the years.

NICK: Oh, very cool. Yeah, the whole feel of it is very much of a ragtag band barely hanging on. You all are standing in the main hanger of this base which turns out is a vast majority of this base, farthest away from the entrance which is like a sunken hole in the wall that really looks like it’s a slight overhang and then as you get closer the ground goes underneath, so it’s kind of like a cave entrance but half tunnel as well so it’s very difficult to find if you don’t know where to look.

Far away from that entrance you can see that there are some walls and smaller buildings set up for offices and barracks and things like that, but a majority of this place is a big open hanger.

There are a few speeders around, some armored, some stripped down for speed, mostly from the Clone Wars era, most of them just kind of kitbashed together. You see the LAAT which is the clone landing ship. You see one of those but with just a ground speeder’s engine stuck on the back and the top cut off so it’s this weird-looking convertible. Things like that, that’s the standard.

There is a small pen of blurrgs that are sedately chewing on slop in the corner, and you’re standing there as the Twi’leks’ resistance has landed with the imperial transport and some of their own speeder bikes, not super close to you, and medics run out to check on the injured. The medics don’t have a lot of work to do because, as you know, most of the people who were shot didn’t make it. The imperial security was a lot heavier than they were expecting and was carrying stronger blasters than they were expecting.

You park your speeders a distance away, and this action is all kind of rushing around you. Nobody’s really paying attention to you right now. And then you see a purple Twi’lek hop out of the driver seat of the imperial transport. She’s probably 20-30 meters away from you. She peels a pair of dusty goggles off of her face and begins to stomp in your all direction. You probably have a few seconds before she gets there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who’s that?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, let me hide behind you. Just pretend I’m not here, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Done.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just, Tink, hide me.

HUDSON (as Tink): Done.

LILIT: Xianna is now clutched onto Tink’s back and partially dug into the fur.

HUDSON (as Tink): [pained] Agh!

LILIT: And just doing her best to mold into the silhouette of Tink and not be seen. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): [gritted, hushed] Don’t grab me so hard, twitchy.

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Shh! Shh! I told you, just pretend I am not here. Just say that I went away. Say I went to the bathroom or something, that I was having tummy problems.

CAMERON: Karma is leaning against one of the speeders.

NICK: You turn your head to watch the action around you and your head tails blow in a nonexistent breeze for a second. So, Xianna is clinging to the back of Tink’s fur, Tink is trying to smile behind his translator and not have to lean forward too far, Karma is observing, HK is staring into space, and this purple Twi’lek stomps up.

NICK (as Taan): Where is she?

HUDSON (as Tink): Who? She? She’s not here!

NICK (as Taan): Don’t give me that. I know she’s here. Where is she?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, uh, uh… Karma! Karma, where is she?

CAMERON: I think Karma and HK are behind Tink with Xianna on his back, so Karma just kind of points towards Tink from behind him.

HUDSON (as Tink): No Karma, not looking for “me,” looking for “her.”

NICK (as Taan): Listen here big boy, I have had a very difficult day and I need to talk to that Twi’lek that you are with or we are going to have problems and they are going to hurt you. So, you can give up wherever that other Twi’lek that was with you mercenaries was or I can beat the kriff out of you. Which would you prefer?

NICK: She smiles really broadly, and you can tell that she’s kind of hoping that you’re gonna pick option two. Tink, you don’t know how she would beat you up, but she seems pretty confident.

HUDSON: I do a 180.

LILIT: Xianna sort of stumbles as Tink moves around and loses grip and falls a little bit but catches herself before coming face-to-face with Taan.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, um… ello. I did not see you there. I was, um… busy.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, you were “busy” for, how long has it been? Ten years?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean… That is, um… yes, maybe it has been ten years, but… I have been very busy, you know? I’ve gone to prison like three times and I’ve gotten married. Not for real, but you know, it’s still an ordeal every time you do it. And you know, being on a ship with a crew… I have a pet loth-rat. It is a lot to deal with, you know?

NICK (as Taan): Oh yes, the loth-rats, they are a lot of responsibility. You’re right. This makes sense to me why you would go to our uncle, give him money, and then abandon me, abandon your home.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, abandoning our home, I can kind of understand why you would think that. And I did, a little bit, you know, but that was the point. If anything I feel like you abandoned me because we had agreed to leave the planet together. Then I show up at the port and you are nowhere to be found, and I just have to get a com message from you saying that you changed your mind. So if anything I feel like I was maybe the one who was abandoned.

NICK: You can see a muscle twitching in her jaw and her lekku are moving. Whenever you’re talking she’s basically yelling at you with her lekku language. [chuckles] So, you’re getting the time to talk verbally, but you are getting no break from this tirade.

NICK (as Taan): Now you are with these mercenaries? You are killing imperials. You are helping us, great, but you didn’t tell us you were coming. You could have blown our cover… I just don’t even understand, Xiann. Who are these people?! You have this droid who keeps looking at me.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, stop looking at her! Look in a different direction! But anyways.

LILIT: And Xianna turns back.

LILIT (as Xianna): I did not know you were going to be here, okay? I thought that we could just come to the planet, we could do the business we needed to, and we could leave without ever having to interact and I could be here as little as possible, but apparently the person who was giving us info just did not mention who else was there and I did not know it was you.

NICK: She crosses her arms and noticeably begins to ignore Xianna and looks at Karma and Tink.

NICK (as Taan): Hello. Thank you for coming to the aid of the Rylothi people. We thank you and owe you a debt. Unfortunately, most of our funds have been used on supplies for the liberation movement, but perhaps we can come up with some sort of payment, you strangers who have helped us in our time of need.

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s your snack counter look like?

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we don’t need more snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t see—In what world do we ever not have enough snacks?

LILIT (as Xianna): When we don’t have more room on the ship for more snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, the entire mess is currently filled with Space Doritos, Spunyuns, and Dunkaroos.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, those Dunkaroos are good.

NICK (as Taan): We are starving to death down here and you are asking for food while you have more. I understand that the space life is glamorous and has different concerns. I… Ugh. I don’t even know what to do with you. Why are…? Go away, please? Leave me here? Why are you even here? I don’t—

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine. We can leave. If you don’t want us here, we can leave, but just let us kill Endo and we will be gone. That is all we came here to do.

NICK (as Taan): No, you can’t kill Endo. Endo is the reason we’re able to fight the Empire.

LILIT (as Xianna): [huffs] Look. He wants to fight the Empire, but he is only trying to fight the Empire so that he can take over himself. He has this whole weird plan and he’s getting artifacts and weird shit and I don’t even know exactly what it is. I keep forgetting, but he’s doing something, so we have to… I keep saying kill. I don’t think everyone else wants to kill him, but like, defeat him. You know what I mean?

NICK (as HK): I would very much like to kill him.

CAMERON (as Karma): We know, HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): And besides, he’s tried to kill us in the past, so I feel like we are allowed to kill him, like self-defense and whatever. But like, if you just leave us alone we can leave you alone and we don’t have to keep talking.

NICK (as Taan): You hear this?

NICK: She points to Tink and Karma.

NICK (as Taan): We have only seen each other for the first time in ten years and she’s saying that she wants to leave again. Do you see what I have to deal with?

LILIT (as Xianna): You just said we needed to leave. You just said that we should go! So, you know, I’m just trying to do what you want me to do.

NICK: She rolls her eyes so hard you worry she’s gonna dislocate them. Appearing behind you, like Batman, you hear a voice that says:

NICK (as Endo): Oh, so now you’re trying to kill me? That’s laughable. I’m going to be instrumental in keeping these noble resistance fighters alive, kicking the Empire off of Ryloth, and you want to kill me for some trinkets?

LILIT: Xianna twirls around and points at Endo.

LILIT (as Xianna): You shut the fuck up. I am talking to my sister right now. I will talk to you later, and I will try to kill you later, but wait your fucking turn! Okay? I am having a conversation.

LILIT: Then she whirls back around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So you don’t want us here, obviously, because you told us we should go, so we are just going to go now. Is that okay with you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, uh, Xianna’s sister… I’m just saying, don’t he sound evil though? Don’t Endo sound evil…?

NICK (as Taan): Your droid sounds evil.

HUDSON (as Tink): Our droid has programming in it to not be evil anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, he is absolutely evil. He murders people all the time. But he just wants to murder individuals. He does not want to take over the entire galaxy. There is a difference.

NICK: [smiling] Behind you, as you’re having this argument, Endo has put his hands up and taken a few steps back and looks like he’s trying to inspect the wall like it’s really, really interesting. You actually shut him down pretty hard. [laughs]

NICK (as Taan): Honestly, listen to the emotion in Xiann’s voice. Wouldn’t you say that borderlines on evil?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): No, this is not evil. This is hyper and aggressive because I have taken drugs. Okay? I have taken drugs, and I am upset, and you are being annoying, and I just think that you should tell us. Do you want us to go or do you want us to leave?

NICK (as Taan): Xiann!

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean stay. Whichever one it is. Do you want me to go or do you want us to leave? We can’t do both.

NICK (as Taan): You’ve been taking the drugs?!

LILIT (as Xianna): yes! I have. They are fun, okay?

NICK: She is slightly open-mouthed and blinking.

NICK (as Taan): Now I do not want you to go because I think we need to have a talk, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Look. Do you want to buy some? I don’t have a huge amount on me, but I can sell you something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now you should know, the last time I asked Xianna if she had a problem with drugs she said “the problem is I don’t have any drugs right now” if that tells you anything.

NICK (as Taan): No, I don’t want to buy drugs. After everything that you’ve been through, I can’t believe that you would throw away so much of your life on drugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Throw away? It is an improvement. I am so much faster when I do them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, Taan? Yes?

NICK (as Taan): Yes, my name is Taan.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hi… I’m Karma. It’s nice to meet you. I’m on your sister’s crew. Um, I—

NICK (as Taan): Well that immediately puts us off on the wrong foot. I’m going to be honest.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, and I do apologize for that, but I also do very much understand where you’re coming from in this conversation. So you are—

NICK (as Taan): You hear that, Xiann? Even your crewmate agrees with me.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, she did not agree with you. She just said that she heard you. There is a difference.

NICK (as Taan): And that’s all I’m asking for is for you to hear me, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): I did hear you, but you keep making no sense.

CAMERON (as Karma): What I’m just saying is that y’all are starting to garner a little bit of attention. The room is a little bit echoey.

NICK: [grinning] The camera zooms out and the entire resistance is just staring at this group of people arguing and Endo has scooted himself further away.

[laughter]

LILIT: But everyone is doing it, like, holding crates and just slowly walking while staring and pretending to do stuff, but very clearly everyone has stopped, and then they quickly turn around and get back to busywork.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I do think it is very important probably for both of y’all’s mental health for y’all to have a conversation, but do you have a more private place that y’all could have this? I just, I feel like it really needs to happen, but I also feel like y’all have a lot of emotions to let go of and I want a safe space for you to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you have like a thunder dome?

NICK (as Taan): We do have a thunder dome, but we will not be going there. Xiann, come with me. We are going to have a conversation.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine.

NICK (as Taan): I owe it to our mother to put you on the right track.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh don’t  you bring our mother into this!

NICK (as Taan): Oh I’ll bring my mother into this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Your mother?! It is my mother too. You can’t pretend like she only gave birth to you. I was first, you know.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: They’re like slapping at each other.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am your elder! You will respect me, okay? I am the matriarch of the family!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Taan): [mockingly] Matriarch of the family! Meh, meh, meh.

NICK: And they’re just slapping at each other and walking back towards a barracks leaving Karma and Tink and HK standing nearby to Endo. Endo looks up from where he’s inspecting the wall.

NICK (as Endo): Wow. Awkward, right?

CAMERON: Karma just does the slow nod.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah buddy.

NICK (as Endo): I guess now would be a great time to kill me since that’s what you want to do, right here in the middle of all these people who owe me their lives. Take your best shot.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, that’s really more her thing.

NICK: You can just see flailing lekku and angry distant shouting in the distance as they walk across the hanger.

CAMERON (as Karma): She gets a little murderous and aggressive when she’s angry.

NICK: For the record, Cameron, Karma has said multiple times “I’m going to kill Endo.”

CAMERON: Oh yeah! I know. Karma knows that too. [laughs]

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: But Karma’s not gonna invite a fight in the middle of this room.

NICK: We see a yellow Twi’lek man. He’s got one of his lekku thrown over his shoulder like a scarf. He smiles, and his teeth are sharpened.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Hello. I believe we owe you our lives. Perhaps we could talk about what brings you here.

CAMERON: Karma points towards the flailing purple as it enters the office or wherever it’s going.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Oh yes, you will have to forgive the general. She is a woman of passion.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, family reunions can come with a lot of emotions attached.

NICK: [smiling] And with that we’re gonna cut away to Taan’na and Xianna. Xianna, your sister has led you into a small room in a barracks. It looks like it was once used for storage, but all that’s there is two durasteel chairs and a durasteel table with a single dangling lightbulb. You follow her into the room and she goes behind you and slams the door shut and pulls the light on, and it casts dark shadows, and she sits down in a chair.

NICK (as Taan): Well, at least this is neutral ground. Have a seat. We have a lot to talk about.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, fine.

LILIT: Xianna plops down into the chair.

NICK: Do you slouch with your arms crossed?

LILIT: Yeah. Xianna is sitting in the chair as sarcastically as a person can.

[chuckling]

NICK: Taan’na is sitting up straight with almost… It’s not like military posture, it’s like someone who has seen what military is supposed to look like, doesn’t like it, but can’t help but be disciplined at the same time. She puts an arm down on the table.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know whether to hug you or slap you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, well it seems like you want to slap me.

NICK (as Taan): You show up, you’re on drugs, you save my life, you save my friends’ lives… We haven’t talked in years. You send money, I know you do, but… you haven’t spoken to me, I can’t get ahold of you. I can’t reach out, I can’t risk the Empire finding us, but you could have reached out first. The first time I see you, you’re on drugs. You’re killing people.

LILIT (as Xianna): As if you are not also killing people.

NICK (as Taan): That’s my job! Your job is to transport things.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is my job too!

NICK (as Taan): Well good for you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, not technically, but like… you know, roundabout. My job is like stealing things and stuff.

NICK (as Taan): Heh, haven’t changed much, have you Xiann?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I have not, okay? I mean I have, I have changed a lot. I have a lot of things in my life right now. But… okay.

LILIT: Xianna takes a big deep breath and folds her hands in her lap.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I am just saying, I felt like when we made an agreement that we were going to pool our money together and pawn the few valuable items in the house so that we could have enough money to leave the planet and be done with all of this, together. Then I show up to the spaceport and get onto the ship before finding out that you have changed your mind and you were going to stay. It was a big betrayal, and I felt like my trust was violated.

I did not know how to talk to you after that, so then I stopped talking to you because I left, and then I did not know when and how to start talking to you again because the betrayal was still hurtful and stung.

NICK: She raises her drawn-on eyebrows, because Twi’leks don’t have eyebrows.

LILIT (as Xianna): And also you are just annoying as a person.

NICK (as Taan): I’m the annoying one?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Taan): Well, that was very well thought out. Are you seeing someone to help you with these conflicts, these feelings? It seems like you are.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I am seeing somebody, but I am not seeing like a therapist. You know? I am just seeing somebody. It is different. I have just been reading a lot of self-help books and a lot of things on the Holonet about it and just trying to be more emotionally available and to stop shutting everything off and avoid it through partying and drugs.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, what drugs are you on right now?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I am on impact right now.

NICK: She nods, calmly.

LILIT (as Xianna): Again, it does increase my performance. I am a better fighter on it, okay?

NICK (as Taan): That makes sense.

NICK: We cut back to Karma and Tink. You find yourself seated around an energy generator on some camp chairs with the yellow Twi’lek you learn is named Colonel Kachadorian. Endo and a couple of Endo’s pirates have also gathered nearby. Endo isn’t saying anything, but he seems to be well-respected and nobody seems suspicious of him wanting to hear what’s going on. You are both holding warm cups of caf and Colonel Kachadorian says:

NICK (as Kachadorian): So, you have helped us out in our time of need. What can I do for you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, from talking to Taan, it seems like snacks are off the table.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh yes, we are barely making ends meet. I feel compelled to offer to help you, but we could use your help more.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, what are we here for again?

NICK (as Endo): Yeah Karma, why did you come here?

CAMERON (as Karma): Excuse me. Please don’t talk to me.

CAMERON: Karma doesn’t even look towards Endo.

NICK: The colonel raises his eyebrows and smiles.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh, you have some history.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, he was a prisoner at an incarceration facility. So, we don’t need any repayment for assisting in taking down the transport. Honestly, it was a pleasure. I don’t know on strategy on that one if it was necessarily the best move, but I also don’t know the full state of where y’all are at right now and you may be in a position where that level of a desperate attempt… That was not well-balanced… Yeah.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I regret the stage that we are at, but the Empire has taken us to some desperate straits. We are barely holding on. But, their occupation has grown more and more costly on their end as well. We hope to get them off of Ryloth in the near future.

CAMERON (as Karma): Has your main focus been like today where you’re wanting to capture the Empire assets or are you more just causing those assets to become unusable for the Empire?

NICK (as Kachadorian): How you say… a little of column A, a little of column B?

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Fair enough.

NICK (as Kachadorian): This mission was supposed to get us supplies to get us through the next few months. Unfortunately, it sounds like they knew we were coming. No idea how that could have happened, but unfortunately we will have to rely on our friend Endo for some more smuggling.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs]

NICK (as Kachadorian): He’s been selfless in keeping us there even if his services are expensive.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. How much connection do you have within Lessu?

NICK (as Kachadorian): We have some. Some citizens help us, some are afraid. We know some things going on, but we cannot predict the Empire’s movements beyond the normal schedule.

CAMERON (as Karma): The city seemed fairly well locked down, lots of checkpoints in places.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): My main concern would be that someone who was aware of your efforts being interrogated, forced into revealing things, or tempted into revealing things to the Empire units on the planet. Because the state of the… The people within Lessu are not doing well either within this occupation. I see lots of desperation all around.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Every mission we do is a risk. I know that the citizenry is desperate as well, but hopefully in the near future we will kick the Empire out. In fact, if you are willing to help us with something very dangerous and very risky, we may be able to kick them out once and for all.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re in.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa, hold on. I’m listening.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait, not yet? Not yet?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not yet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: And we cut back to Taan and Xiann.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, this is a losing fight. I’m not sure we can kick the Empire out no matter how we try. ColonelKachadorian has plans and ideals, but most of our funds go to securing supplies and the Empire always has more troops. I can’t leave because my fellow Twi’leks need me. I’m happy that you got out, but I’m also sad that you wouldn’t stay to fight for our home.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we were children. We should not have had to be making those decisions. There were other people that would have fought.

NICK (as Taan): Do you remember little Milli, friend of ours? Her mother disappeared around the same time ours did.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, they did not disappear, they were violently dragged out of their houses and we just never knew exactly what happened to them.

NICK (as Taan): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): But yes, I remember.

NICK (as Taan): They probably died around the same time. Little Milli, the day I was going to meet you, tried to kill some stormtroopers and she got caught. I had to go and help break her out before they sent her to jail. She wouldn’t have made it without me, and that’s what made me decide to stay, seeing one of our friends almost get disappeared just like our mother. I couldn’t handle it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is very noble of you, but also it was a losing fight at that time.

NICK (as Taan): It still is.

LILIT (as Xianna): We were literally children. There was only so much that two of us could do. At the time it felt like a better move to just leave, go somewhere less occupied and just accept that the Empire was in control of things, live more peacefully.

NICK (as Taan): Well…

LILIT (as Xianna): But, you know, you stranded me on a ship I had already paid for, so I left.

NICK (as Taan): Maybe you made the right choice. Milli is dead now, and nothing has much changed. But how do you sleep at night, Xiann? Do you sleep well?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I do sleep well. I have a big round bed and it rotates and if I clap I have a disco ball.

NICK: She looks stunned for a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): It might be worth noting that the ship we are on is a repurposed party yacht of dubious origins.

NICK (as Taan): It sounds like you’ve really found your place. That’s… Look. I was feeling a lot of emotions when I saw you, it’s been so long, but I genuinely am happy for you. It sounds like you found something good. This is good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and now that I’m older and better equipped to deal with it, yes, we are fighting against the Empire now in a sort of roundabout way.

NICK (as Taan): There’s no way to get out of it, is there?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, there really isn’t, but I still feel like children should not have been involved, and that is your decision that you made, but I still can’t help but feel resentful that you chose other people over me.

NICK: She sniffs a little, and she’s relaxed some into the chair, and she looks at you and says:

NICK (as Taan): Fifty thousand credits. Do you know anything about that? I know the money did not come from our uncle.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, did I steal it? I’m sorry. Wait. What do you mean by fifty thousand? I don’t remember stealing fifty thousand. Well, not this time specifically. I have stolen that exact amount in the past, but…

NICK (as Taan): Xiann. Xiann, focus. Focus up. Our uncle gave the resistance 50,000 Credits a few months ago.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, those were my credits. They were stolen, mostly, I think.

NICK (as Taan): You know that kept us alive all this time, right? That was a lot of money.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am glad it went to something useful.

NICK (as Taan): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): If I had kept it myself I probably would have just lost it somehow.

NICK (as Taan): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): It always feels like whenever I get a large amount of money I somehow don’t have access to it a short time later. I have no idea how. I just can’t seem to keep onto it.

NICK (as Taan): Well, thank you for… thinking of me. That’s…

NICK: She gets up.

NICK (as Taan): This is not for the money. This is because I’m happy to see you.

NICK: And she holds her hands out for a big hug.

LILIT: Xianna goes in and gives a big hug and squeezes, and then whispers.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we also blew up an Empire shipyard, so…

NICK (as Taan): Oh kriff!

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, I’m just saying, I am doing my part for the war effort or whatever.

NICK: She puts her hands on your shoulders and holds you back so she can get a full view of your face.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, that’s pretty impressive, but was it on purpose though?

[moment of silence]

NICK: [chuckles] And we’re gonna cut away to Karma and Tink. There’s little diagrams in the dirt, it looks like an organizational chart, andKachadorian is saying:

NICK (asKachadorian): So, our last ditch effort is to assassinate the governor of Ryloth, and I’ve seen the weapons that you bring and heard reports of your skills. Quite frankly, I think that we could pay you for the work.

NICK (as HK): You son of a bitch I’m in.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. Can I say it now, Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] Just a little bit more information for me, before you say that, Tink. Okay? Just like a few more minutes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK (as HK): But Karma, I already said you son of a bitch I’m in. That is contractually binding.

CAMERON (as Karma): Buddy, I know you’re in. The rest of the crew is still TBD.

NICK (as HK): We are part of an LLC. My word is binding as CEO and CFO.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, we’re part of a C corporation. We did that for tax purposes, dang it.

NICK (as HK): Oh right, I forgot. Please continue, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weary] Uh… Governor of Ryloth is in Lessu?

NICK (asKachadorian): Yes. Yes, it is the capital city of Ryloth. Where else would they be?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I honestly wasn’t sure.

NICK (asKachadorian): There’s even a mansion gubernatorial.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. If you had to give just a rough base estimate, what would you say totals are for troops? At least within the Lessu area at this time.

NICK (as Kachadorian): This is not an assignment I would tackle head-on. They have thousands.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, I wasn’t going through the stormtroopers. I was just wondering.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It’s a full imperial detachment. They have periodic resupply and reinforcement from the star destroyer patrols in orbit. You would need to strike hard and strike fast.

CAMERON (as Karma): But we’re still at the star destroyer patrols phase and not at the blockade phase?

NICK (as Kachadorian): Did you see one on the way in?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I did not see one on the way in. Alright, that’s good.

NICK (as Kachadorian): So they are not expecting much more resistance than what we do day to day.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It is possible you could sneak in, kill the governor, and get back out.

CAMERON: Is one of the maps he had sketched out on the ground of the city of Lessu?

NICK: No, but you’ve been there and you could draw a square and then a circle and some roads.

CAMERON: Okay. I draw a square, and then a circle, and one bridge coming off of it, but it’s kind of a dotted line bridge, it’s not stable. I kind of wave… I guess I drew it with my sword, because that was the stick I had on me. I kinda wave it around.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where within Lessu is the mansion located?

NICK: He quirks a smile and makes eye contact with Endo who’s been sitting there quietly, and he takes his stick and he points to the top of the mountain.

CAMERON (as Karma): Of course it is.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It’s, uh… it’s metaphoric, no?

CAMERON: Huh. So safe in assuming that is past… that I would know that is past multiple of the checkpoints that I went through?

NICK: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: It’s in a neighborhood you didn’t even go to because it was secured enough, and you all were messing around with the normal citizenry not the upper class.

CAMERON: Yup.

HUDSON (as Tink): So… we’re in?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I’d very much like to be in, but I do feel bad making that decision without Xianna being aware of the fact that we’re signing her up for something.

NICK: At this point we see Xianna and Taan’na walking back towards you all. Endo looks less relaxed and stands up and moves away from the group just a little bit. Xianna, what about these two’s body language shows that they’ve at least come to a truce if not forgiven each other?

LILIT: I think one that Tink and Karma wouldn’t necessarily notice as much as everyone else in the room, but the two of them are no longer speaking to each other in lekku languages and are not yelling at each other or being sarcastic with their lekku anymore.

NICK: Okay. You all walk up and Colonel Kachadorian gestures widely.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Taan! I found you a group of assassins to go and finish off the governor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh shit! Are we doing political assassinations now?

NICK (as Kachadorian): Yes we are!

HUDSON (as Tink): [excitedly] Xianna! We got signed up. We got signed up. We got signed up. Oh, I can say it now!

CAMERON (as Karma): We haven’t officially said yes, in case you have any strong oppositions.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m so close to saying it, though.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know.

NICK: [smiling] Something that you all may want to think about is you did not come here to kill the governor, you came here to get some stuff from Endo, so this is kind of a side distraction.

CAMERON: Yes, but so what I’m thinking is… Endo seems like the most useful fight-wise out of any of them, and he’s not gonna let us go off by ourselves, so if he follows us off into the non-base area where we’re not surrounded by Twi’lek resistance and he happens to die… oh darn, how terrible for him.

LILIT: Xianna is leaned over the table looking at all the blueprints and the maps and is pointing at things and has somehow gotten a pencil and is crossing things out and adding little notes.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, Karma, you are okay with straight-up planned murder now?

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s called a political assassination of the “Empire’s” guy, so yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just making sure. Usually you tell us we should not just “plan” the murders out.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I’m not—This is an infiltration effort that definitely the end is that we are killing someone. But, you know, really we’re, it’s uh… Hmm. I don’t really equate murder and killing war criminals to the same thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s my line.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool, cool, cool. I get to keep whatever I steal, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Awesome. Great.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann!

LILIT (as Xianna): What?!

NICK (as Taan): We are freeing our people and you are focused on the money. We just talked about this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not necessarily the money, just if there are any cool items. Like, my girlfriend’s birthday is coming up and I need to get her something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I bet the governor’s mansion has a ton of cool items.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. Exactly. She would love it. I probably should get her a few things, some that are just for her and some that she would be very excited to sell. You know?

CAMERON (as Karma): I do have a strange inkling that the governor’s mansion may be full of, I don’t know, cultural… important cultural artifacts from Lessu.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It absolutely is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Part of why we have not launched an assault. It’s a building that has important meaning to us as a people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, obviously I’m not stealing those things, I’m stealing, like… the gaudy gem necklaces and stuff like that.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh yeah, feel free to take whatever kinds of imperial bullshit that you want. I don’t care as long as you kill the governor.

NICK: And Kachadorian winks at you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like everybody should know at this point that I’m not going to steal the cultural artifacts.

NICK (as Taan): I was a little concerned. From what we’ve talked about so far I didn’t know where your line was. I’m glad it is there.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I would steal his shoes and wine collection.

NICK: We see Xianna go pale and then flush as she remembers the situation with her wine collection that recently was discovered. [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh no.

LILIT: She shakes her head and glares at Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am not going to get overly mad. It is in the past, and I cannot change it. Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, can I say it?

NICK (as HK): But secondary user, it may be in the past and you cannot change it, but you could get your vengeance.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK?!

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you are not helping.

NICK (as HK): Sorry, I am getting excited about the idea of killing someone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gritted] Alright. Can I say it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, you can say it!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, Tink. Go.

HUDSON: I get excited. I start jumping up and down. I point to Karma and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re in!

HUDSON: And I point to Xianna and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re in!

HUDSON: And I point to HK and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re in!

HUDSON: And I point to Endo and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re Endo!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And then I point to me and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m in! We’re all in!

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.