Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 30:
Close Up Magic

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 30 of Tabletop Squadron! The squad is assembled and the time is now. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello~ I’m Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing a riding lawnmower with vampire fangs.

CAMERON: [chuckles] named Tink.

HUDSON: Named Tink.

LILIT: Oh shit, I got the wrong character sheet!

[laughter]

NICK: Yep, that’s for our home game, Hudson. That’s not for the podcast.

HUDSON: Oh… I thought for our home game I was literally Dolly Parton.

NICK: Well that’s the name of the riding lawnmower with vampire fangs.

HUDSON: Oh, got it.

NICK: Dolly Parton the riding lawnmower, famous character trope. I don’t know what that means.

CAMERON: I don’t understand.

HUDSON: Working 9 to 5, gonna cut grass for a living.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Anyways. I’m actually Hudson, and I’m actually playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Lovely. Before we do the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: Wonderful. So, when we last left off, Xianna and her sister Taan had a bit of a conversation about who exactly left who. You met with one of the leaders of the Twi’lek resistance, Colonel Kachadorian, and you managed to be talked into helping the resistance to assassinate the governor of the planet in a desperate bid to help them to secure supplies.

Now, the one hitch with that is that Endo is coming with you, the person you came here to steal the Shattered Force from, and Taan, Taan’na, Xianna’s sister, is also coming. So, this group of four is now a group of six and you have some complicated dynamics going on. That’s where we’re going to start.

We open on the imperial transport tearing through the Ryloth desert towards the capital city of Lessu. It’s a bit of a drive. Flanked on either side are the two speeder bikes from the Afternoon Delight. Everyone is connected by coms so that they’re able to communicate. Taan’na is driving the imperial transport. Who’s on the speeder bikes and who is in the transport?

HUDSON: I’m in the transport. I think I’m with HK.

CAMERON: Yeah, HK and Tink in the transport.

NICK: Okay, so HK and Tink are in the transport and Xianna and Karma are each on a speeder bike. This formation is kicking up dust clouds behind them as you head towards the city. Over the coms you hear Taan’na say:

NICK (as Taan): So, what is the plan? How are we doing this?

NICK: Karma, do you want to give the brief overview?

CAMERON: Sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): Step 1 is a two-pronged approach. One group gets costumes from the ship, one group gets staff uniforms for the mansion. We sync back up. Step 2, infiltrate mansion, going with a “we’re a delegation from, somewhere, and we’re getting a tour of the governor’s mansion as one does,” and then try to get as far up in the mansion as we can. And when things inevitably go wrong, deal with it at that point and break off into combat units.

NICK (as Taan): It’s basic, but I think it will work.

NICK: And Endo turns his head. He’s seated next to HK.

NICK (as Endo): Yes, this will work fine.

NICK: HK keys his com and asks the group:

NICK (as HK): But how will we divide the groups? That seems to be the part we were not able to decide already.

NICK (as Endo): I would be happy to go with Taan’na, and maybe Xianna. I think that group of three with our local knowledge would be very effective.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I had the opposite approach. Y’all have local knowledge so splitting y’all up is very efficient as well.

NICK (as Taan): I don’t know how I feel about that. You all have already said you are going to try to kill Endo. I think he should be protected with all the help he has done for the resistance. I don’t trust you, especially not Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wow. That is just, um… I mean yes, yes, very valid. However, it hurts to hear, you know.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, my sister. How is that drug high treating you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am doing great. You know, it is very good, A+, 100%, we’re good to go.

NICK (as Taan): Extremely trustworthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am an extremely trustworthy person. I have never lied once in my entire life.

NICK: Taan’na turns around in the driver’s chair to make eye contact with those that are in the imperial transport and looks very dubious. HK just does the “eh” hand wiggle gesture.

NICK (as HK): Regardless, we will need to decide how we are dividing our forces before we get there. I imagine we will not have time to argue.

NICK: As Lessu grows on the horizon and you rapidly approach.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine. I go with Taan and Endo and everybody else is in a group. Okay?

NICK (as HK): Are you sure that’s wise? That would put you with two people who presumably want your death.

NICK (as Taan): I don’t want her dead, I just don’t trust her.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know you just met all the rest of us, but are you feeling more trustworthy towards any of us?

NICK (as Taan): No, not really.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought we could be good friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, Tink, you think that about everybody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, me and Endo, it was a rough start but we’re friends now.

NICK (as Endo): He does have a certain air about him that promotes friendship especially when he’s throwing prison shanks into somebody unexpectedly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you haven’t forgotten about that…

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Endo): No… I certainly haven’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as Endo): I vote that I go with Tink’s group.

NICK: And Taan shakes her head while driving.

NICK (as Taan): No, I think we will have me and Xiann and Endo. We will split up. We will gather the uniforms for the servants of the governor’s mansion and the rest of you can pick up whatever else you need, and we will meet just outside. But first, we will need to get through the blockade that is clearly in front of the gates.

NICK: The camera zooms out and there are three of the imperial transports just like yours arrayed on the far side of this flickering drawbridge that Lessu has, and you all are slowing to a stop. Who all is going to try to talk your way through this as a stormtrooper with an orange pauldron gestures for… I don’t know why, but is gesturing for the window to be rolled down on the imperial transport because (mumbles) that works.

LILIT: Roll the window down.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: It’s a crank window.

HUDSON: [laughing] It’s a crank window.

NICK: Seeing a Twi’lek driving it, says:

NICK (as stormtrooper): State your business. That’s an imperial transport.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, there is a very good explanation for that which my friends will provide immediately.

LILIT: So Xianna pulls up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes. Ello. So, the transport was actually bought at an auction. It is a decommissioned one. So we are just bringing it, you know, back to return it, because you don’t want some decommissioned transport just in town. That would be terrible, right? Anybody could just buy it and then drive it around, and you don’t want that kind of confusion. So we are donating it back.

NICK (as stormtrooper): You’re… You bought it just to give it back to the Empire?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. We are very loyal patriots.

NICK (as stormtrooper): Hmm… I think there needs to be some sort of Charm or Deception roll here.

[chuckling]

LILIT: How about a Deception roll?!

NICK: Yeah, that sounds good. Stormtrooper captain does not appear convinced. You have two black dice on this Deception check by the way, and it’s hard difficulty.

LILIT: I can remove black dice with ranks in Convincing Demeanor.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Two successes.

NICK: Great. So, the stormtrooper doesn’t appear convinced, but you’re also able to do the move where you quickly flash passage papers, but you do it quickly enough that it looks confident but too fast for them to really be able to read them, and it’s actually just a receipt for some pizzas from Coruscant or something.

NICK (as stormtrooper): Well, we haven’t had any notifications of stolen transports, so you’re free to enter the city, but don’t make any trouble. I’ll be watching you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you so much. You have a great day.

LILIT: Xianna does a little tiny salute.

LILIT (as Xianna): And um… long live the Emperor I guess.

[chuckling]

NICK (as stormtrooper): Move along.

NICK: As you’re pulling away, after you say “long live the Emperor,” you can hear Taan’na grumbling in Twi’leki under her breath at you having said “long live the Emperor,” and you pull away. We get a swipe cut to you juggling who’s going where. We see Tink get onto the speeder bike and Xianna climb into the transport. HK grabs onto Tink’s back and the speeders split away heading towards the Afternoon Delight and the transport heads towards one of Taan’na’s contacts.

We’ll start with the crew pulling up to the Afternoon Delight. The ship is still locked down at the spaceport where you left it. You park your speeder bikes and go into the ship. You all head towards the costume closet, I imagine.

CAMERON: Well, so first, we walk the speeders up the ramp and put them back in their cargo bay.

NICK: Okay. So the speeders are safely stowed on the ship. You hear a squeaking from near the hot tub as you walk out of the storage area as Creamsicle welcomes you back, but then she gets distracted by some cookies that Xianna hid in the shag carpeting to keep her distracted.

CAMERON: Ew. [laughs]

NICK: You all head towards the costume closet. What kind of clothes are you getting for this infiltration?

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, so… HK, you’re good, you’re a bodyguard.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, I know who I am, you don’t even have to say it, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Who are you, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m Han Yolo, the very mysterious and exciting magician.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh okay, I wasn’t… I wasn’t gonna go as far as assigning names, I was just going to, like… HK doesn’t need a costume because he can just be with us as a droid.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re saying you don’t want a name? Because I already have yours picked out and the badges printed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, we have badges?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is my name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Cantaloupe McGuire.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh good. [laughs uneasily] Great. Awesome.

NICK (as HK): What will my designation be, Boss Man?

HUDSON (as Tink): You are… Do you want a Human name or a robOt name?

NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you put the accent on the O in robot, but I do not care either way. I trust your judgement.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are now Tits McGee.

NICK (as HK): This name does not seem appropriate as I do not possess tits or a McGee.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you’re like… tits in like the “oh yeah, that show was tits, the tits.” You know?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s an affirmation. It’s a… It’s a way to say things are good, so you’re a good name, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is it?

NICK: HK puts his hands on his hips and pops one hip out.

NICK (as HK): Stop trying to make tits a thing, Tink. Tits will never be a thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s a thing.

NICK (as HK): Fine, I am Tits McGee.

NICK: You can hear him rolling his eyes even though they don’t move. You proceed to the closet. What clothes do you put on if you are a magician going to the governor’s mansion?

HUDSON: Business suit and a magician’s hat and one of those weird magician… not canes but like, it’s like a black stick with white at the end. Like a cue? What are those? [laughs]

NICK: Yep. So it is a cane, it’s just not useful as a cane in any way because it’s too short.

HUDSON: Yeah.

LILIT: I thought it was supposed to be like a wand cane.

HUDSON: Yeah, I thought it was like a wand, kind of, but I couldn’t think of the word.

NICK: Yeah, magic stick wand. Anyway. Karma, Cantaloupe McGuire, what does your outfit look like?

CAMERON: So, Karma ends up in a pantsuit very reminiscent of Luke’s black with just the little bit of white collar. I am still wearing my boots.

NICK: Okay, so you have a pantsuit with these plate armor dragon boots peeking out of the bottom.

CAMERON: Well so it ends up looking very much like a Texas businessman wearing cowboy boots with his nice suit.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: So you just see, it’s like… you can see the toe and the heel of the boot but you can’t see all the scales that go up the calf.

NICK: Are you wearing your full armor under this business suit?

CAMERON: Yes. [chuckles]

NICK: Okay. Your armor is pretty sleek because it’s made out of such strong material, so it’s just a little lumpy in some weird places, but you’ll probably be able to get away with it.

CAMERON: But to go along with this pantsuit she is wearing a Lando style cape.

NICK: Ooh, very nice.

CAMERON: [laughing] Because she has to be able to hide her weapons under something.

NICK: So they’re tucked under the wide cape?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Alright. HK disappears into the closet for a second and comes out and magnets a pair of what look like Ray-Ban sunglasses onto his face.

NICK (as HK): There, now I am security. Tits McGee, reporting for duty.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhausted] Good. Great.

CAMERON: We also grab an additional outfit because Endo is going to need one.

NICK: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: Because Endo is not a Twi’lek.

NICK: So you grab an outfit for Endo. What kind of clothes do you get him?

CAMERON: A very out-of-style suit.

NICK: Okay. Is it like a strange color?

CAMERON: It clashes with him.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: That’s all I know. [laughs]

HUDSON: And it has a ketchup stain.

CAMERON: Oh no! [laughs]

NICK: It’s a light gray suit because he’s really dark and silvery, so it’s just like a not-matching color. It looks very strange, and there’s a ketchup stain on the lapel. As you all walk out of the ship and start to head towards the rendezvous point near the—

CAMERON: (Boop-bwoop)!

NICK: And lock your ship near the governor’s mansion. We cut away to the imperial transport. Xianna, where did you go to secure yourself some Twi’lek staff outfits?

LILIT: In town there is a dry-cleaning and tailor shop that a lot of the rich people in the city still use, so they know that they can find the staff uniforms there, both ones that are being dry-cleaned and new ones that are being made, so there would be a wide range of different sizes to choose from. The shop owners, while not fully within the rebellion, are pretty sympathetic and have been known to look the other way if their shop is quote-unquote “broken into,” so it’s a relatively easy place to acquire uniforms from.

NICK: Taan’na walks up to the back door and starts to override the electronic lock, and the door swings open, and you see a middle-aged Twi’lek man. He’s green and has a bit of a paunch and looks down at where Taan’na was fiddling with the lock.

NICK (as Twi’lek): No, don’t override the lock. It’s a new one. Just come in, come in now.

NICK: So, she heads inside and starts negotiating with this guy. You can see that they’re really just discussing price and what it will take to keep him quiet. You and Endo are left in the transport as Taan’na secures the staff uniforms that you need.

NICK (as Endo): You won’t be making this out alive, little Twi’lek. Where are you keeping your pieces of the Shattered Force?

LILIT: Xianna turns around and props her arm on the back of the seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): I hid them in your mother’s butt. That’s where we hid them.

NICK (as Endo): You sound brave, but the harder you make this the worse it’ll be for you. I will grant you a clean death. Tell me where you are keeping the items.

LILIT (as Xianna): [confident and sarcastic] Oh my goodness, a clean death. Wow. So befitting of a warrior such as myself. I have definitely never been threatened before. Do you know how many times people have shot me, Endo? Like, this is me we are talking about. I have been shot at and shot many times. I have been stabbed. I almost drowned once. Like, what are you going to do to me?

NICK: There is a flicker. It feels a lot, now that you’re looking straight at him, it feels a lot like when there’s a flash of lightning or the lights flicker and you’re not sure if you blinked or if you saw something, and he’s no longer in the passenger seat upfront, he’s sitting next to you, and he has a vibro-dagger pressed up near your neck, not touching.

NICK (as Endo): You’d be surprised how long I can make a death last. Don’t push me. Where are they?

LILIT (as Xianna): So, it is very cool, the spooky Jedi Force shit you are doing, but like I have met actual Jedi before. You just don’t have the same vibes, you know? And anyways, I already told you where we hid them. We hid them up your mother’s butt, just right up in the butthole.

NICK: [chuckles] He is starting to get frustrated. You can tell.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are just WAY up there, Endo.

NICK: Even though his face is mostly chitin and mechanics, you can tell that he’s getting frustrated by the slight tremor in this vibro-blade.

NICK (as Endo): I will have to kill you and ask your friends.

NICK: And then the dagger is gone, and Taan’na is walking back towards the transport holding two uniforms on hangers. He gives you a friendly elbow when she’s looking at you.

NICK (as Endo): And that’s why I’ve been helping the rebellion so much.

LILIT: Xianna immediately leans over.

LILIT (as Xianna): Taan… Taan, Endo threatened to kill me. He like pulled a knife out and everything.

NICK (as Taan): So?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you’re not going to say anything to him?

NICK (as Taan): Endo.

NICK (as Endo): Y-Yes?

NICK (as Taan): As annoying as I’m sure Xianna is, she is still my sister, so please wait until after the mission to gut her like a blurrg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Great. Thank you. Love that familial love and care that is coming through.

NICK (as Taan): We cannot do this now. We just can’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, let’s just go do the job so that I can kill Endo first.

NICK (as Taan): And I’m taking the higher rank staff uniform. You get the low rank one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine. Whatever. But like, I am a better liar than you, so I feel like I should get the higher one.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, so you’re—

LILIT (as Xianna): Just saying, I am older, so I should get the higher ranking one.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, so you’re good at lying. Remember when you were all “oh, you can trust me, it’s been so long, I’ve been trying to help you”?

LILIT: [chuckles quietly]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Yes. Not all of that was a lie.

NICK (as Taan): Fine. Try on the high-ranked uniform. I’d love to see it.

NICK: There’s a circle wipe, and the higher-rank uniform was sized for Taan’na, so it’s like high-water pants and short sleeves.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, it looks very good on you. You’ve done a great job with it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Fine. Fine, whatever, we will switch back. I just… [exhales] I hate you, okay? You know that? This sucks. You suck!

NICK (as Taan): That’s really a shame because I love you and I missed you quite a bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): No you did not.

NICK: And she stares at you with a look that would look like she was trying to intimidate somebody. You’re not sure how to interpret it, though.

NICK (as Taan): Oh well. Give me back the uniform.

NICK: There’s another circle wipe and you all are dressed. The uniforms look pretty much identical except for some scribbling in Aurebesh on the lapel. Endo is tapping his foot from the passenger seat.

NICK (as Endo): Can we go now? Is this going to be the whole mission? Because I may just have to kill you both for the purpose of the resistance at this point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, Endo. Stop being so whiney.

NICK (as Endo): I’m the… You all need to work out your issues, away from me.

LILIT (as Xianna): What? Does it look like we have time to go to therapy right now? No. We have to go kill a man, okay? We will do therapy later.

[laughter]

NICK: So, there is a wipe and we see the crew gathered in an alley that’s one street over from the beginning of the governor’s palace. There is a servants’ entrance nearby. There’s also the main doors. There’s a couple of different options. Taan’na is tapping on a data pad trying to make sure that everything is ready. Endo is doing the thing where you take the point of the knife and just press it into your finger and twist the knife back and forth by the hilt.

You all are ready to split up. Endo is now wearing a business suit. It’s that light charcoal gray that clashes with his chitin so poorly and there’s a red stain on the lapel.

NICK (as Endo): You didn’t have anything else for me to wear?

CAMERON (as Karma): We were shockingly running low on your size.

NICK (as Endo): And what’s with this name badge?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, we also ran out of identities, so I had to give you that one. Sorry about that.

NICK: What does it say?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, you got Beefus Tuesday.

NICK (as Endo): Beefus Tuesday…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. You could do Beef for short.

NICK (as Endo): You’re a magician?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah. Han Yolo at your service.

NICK (as Endo): And Cantaloupe McGuire over there is, what? What’s your cover story?

CAMERON (as Karma): I have no fucking idea.

NICK (as Endo): Sounds good. We’re off to a great start.

NICK (as Taan): Well, if we are done with the arguing and everything else going on, it’s time to go. First we have to get in. We will be able to go through the staff entrance. Are you sticking with us for now, other group, or are you going through the front?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll stick together for now.

NICK (as Taan): Okay. Let’s go.

NICK: You all walk towards the governor’s mansion. The governor’s mansion is distinctive to say the least. The city of Lessu is a giant mountain surrounded by walls with a laser bridge covering a gap to allow you into the city. The governor’s mansion is the peak of that mountain. It’s at least five or six stories tall in a tiered wedding cake kind of pattern. It also has walls.

You can see cameras all over the outside of it. There’s both droid and Twi’lek patrols of security wandering around and peeking out of windows. This place is a fortress. You walk up to a door that’s been labeled Staff Entrance and there’s a little keypad, and you’re gonna have to get past it. What do you do?

CAMERON: As we are walking over towards the door, Karma holds Xianna slightly back from the group.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, are you gonna be okay with the two of them?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, most likely. There is like a 30% chance Endo will just straight-up murder me before we finish, but like, I am hoping to kill him first.

CAMERON (as Karma): So if you kill him, what’s that going to do with you and your sister? Is it enough that she’d then turn on you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, worst case she tries to kill me and then I just run away and we don’t speak to each other for another decade. There is not a huge amount of relationship currently there, so it’s not like I can ruin it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, you could definitely ruin it still.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t think she would truly try to kill me. I think she would threaten to and then shoot at me, but if I ran away she would let me and then just kind of yell that she will kill me later, but really that’s never going to happen. Then like in a decade we will reconnect and we will get past all of this and then have a really good relationship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I can tell you’ve given this a lot of thought.

LILIT (as Xianna): Worst case she just does actually try to kill me and I have to escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… just be careful. We’re on coms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh!

CAMERON (as Karma): I know you were gonna be reckless.

LILIT (as Xianna): We should have gotten some drugs so we could poison Endo and make it look like an accident.

CAMERON (as Karma): … You know, if we planned better, we could have, but I think it’s a little late for that. But, be careful. We’re on coms if you need us. Try not to kill him unprovoked, and hopefully everyone’s still okay by the time we meet back up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes. Also, he can like teleport and shit, so watch out for that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s concerning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Anyways, let’s go hack that door.

LILIT: Xianna walks up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, do you want to help me get the door open?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sure. I know this system, it’s uh… Cyclonic System.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, you just made that up.

HUDSON (as Tink): I certainly did not.

HUDSON: I start hitting the buttons. I try 1-2-3-4. I try 1-2-3. I try 1-1-1-1. I try to push my handprint. Maybe it wasn’t actually numbers this whole time.

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, you tried pointer, middle, ring finger, pinky finger. You tried pointer, middle, ring finger. You tried pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, and then you put your hand up to it and it scans and goes (error noise).

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK: Because it’s a lock, on a door.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, slice it. You know, that is why you are here in this crew, to slice things.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, slicing isn’t just about coming up and being like… I mean, it’s usually about coming up to a machine and being super cool and getting into it quickly, but sometimes it takes time and guesswork.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink, you have done this before. Just go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Does this have to be one of the times that it takes time and guesswork?

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a craft.

NICK: You notice that there are several cameras pointing directly at you all. [laughs] Observing the delay here.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: You’ll be able to hack it without them seeing what you’re doing, but it’s…

HUDSON: Do I roll for it, though?

NICK: Yeah, go ahead and roll. It’s an easy check, but you have two black dice. Flip a dark side point to upgrade one of those, so upgrade the purple to a red for me, please, Tink.

HUDSON: And then I also get two blue dice for data breaker. Yeah. Four successes and three advantages.

NICK: Oh. Wow. Okay. Yeah, you pop the door open very, very quickly. Is there anything you would like to spend those advantages on?

HUDSON: Um… I find something special in my pocket.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Mm-hmm~?

HUDSON: It’ll come up later.

NICK: Okay…

LILIT: I don’t like the sound of that.

NICK: So you all get into the governor’s mansion.

NICK (as HK): So now it’s time to split up.

HUDSON (as Tink): [musically, mumbling] As we go off, we’re together…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Everybody have fun. Nobody die. Remember to kill the governor.

NICK (as HK): Maybe we shouldn’t say that out loud in the governor’s mansion.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, who’s gonna hear us? There’s nobody around.

NICK: So you have this hallway. Endo, Xianna and Taan’na go left. Karma, Tink and HK go right. There’s a shot of them looking at each other saying have fun and then it’s (bursting whoosh) and they both take off running down the hallway. We get a quick montage of you all investigating the palace. Could everybody give me one scene of one thing that you do before you run into any major opposition as you explore?

LILIT: The screen is black, and then three camera shots slot down into place so we have a lovely tryptic of Xianna looking at various pieces of art as if she was about to steal them.

[laughter]

LILIT: There’s certainly a vase, there’s a small painting, and a piece of jewelry on display. Why is there a diamond necklace on display in the hallway? Don’t ask. But there is definitely a shot of Xianna looking eye-level with it, checking out the security on it.

NICK: Yeah. We see you reach out and grab the necklace and start to lift it, and the camera zooms around behind it and there’s a little latch attached to an alarm system and the latch starts to jiggle, and then Xianna sets it back down, sees the latch, sees that it’s alarmed, and gives an annoyed sigh at how long it would take. And Taan from the end of the hallway saying:

NICK (as Taan): Come on. There’s no need to admire the scenery. Let’s go.

NICK: And Xianna gives the sigh and fist down by the side angry stomp down the hallway.

HUDSON: I turn to Karma and HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): Stop! Stop. Guys, guys, guys. Come over here.

HUDSON: And I pulled them aside.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, Tits, you want to, uh, you wanna see—

NICK (as HK): Oh right, I am Tits McGee.

HUDSON (as Tink): You wanna see a magic trick?

NICK (as HK): Yes. I am not sure why, but I absolutely with all of my being want to see a magic trick.

HUDSON (as Tink): Take this handkerchief right here out of my pocket.

HUDSON: He starts pulling it out and there’s a bunch of linked rainbow handkerchiefs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Keep pulling… Keep pulling.

NICK: HK grabs it and begins to pull the handkerchief out, and then goes faster and faster and faster with mechanical precision, and it’s like, what, 25 feet?

HUDSON: Yeah. As he’s doing that I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. As you’re distracted—I mean, as you’re working on the handkerchief, what’s this behind your ear?

HUDSON: And I go up to grab something behind his ear and it’s a really oiled up credit.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I hate to ruin the illusion, but I do not possess ears. There is no way physically that could have been lodged on the side of my head.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… magnets?

NICK (as HK): Also, why is it oiled up?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s why we have the handkerchief. Don’t ask why it’s oiled up.

NICK (as HK): Order acknowledged.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Finally, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): [apprehensive] Yes?

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Would you like some flowers?

HUDSON: Then I take my wand and I bash it towards her, like over and over again. The flowers aren’t coming out, and I hit it with my other hand, and then I’m finally like:

HUDSON (as Tink): What the…? Ugh!

HUDSON: I hit it on the table a few times, and then the flowers come out the other end and rip up my wrist.

CAMERON: [giggling] Oh no.

HUDSON: Holding it upside-down.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh. Are you okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): [gritted] Yeah… Yeah. Just, you know… you know what they say, in magic there will be pain.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have never heard anyone say that.

HUDSON (as Tink): They say that, right Tits?

NICK (as HK): You did say that right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, so they say it. Anyways, do you want these flowers?

HUDSON: And there’s like some blood on the ends of the flowers.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I think that’s almost all of my tricks, but maybe there’s one last trick up my sleeve that we’ll see later.

HUDSON: As I look out toward the camera.

NICK: Great. The group continues on. Cameron, what is another thing during this infiltration, maybe related to the infiltration in some way? [laughs]

CAMERON: Oh… Well, I mean, the scene starts off with Karma placing the slightly bloody bouquet of flowers into a vase that we pass in the hallway.

NICK: It’s an incredibly expensive vase.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: It says it’s some sort of artifact from 100,000 years ago or something.

CAMERON: She does pick something that isn’t, like, something that was stolen from the Twi’leks.

NICK: Yeah, it’s from, like… it’s a Jedi artifact or something.

CAMERON: Oh okay. Yeah, screw it then. We’ll put some bloody flowers in it. We probably all end up with champagne at one point.

NICK: [smiling] Okay.

CAMERON: When we’re walking. One of us has balloons that we just keep letting go of around cameras.

NICK: Good. Very good. So, you’re looking more casual with your champagne and some of the cameras have been obscured, and I’m going to need a Stealth check from both groups to see how far into this you get without being detected. It’s going to be hard difficulty.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we’re wearing staff uniforms?

NICK: Sure.

[laughter]

CAMERON: So the Karma, Tink and HK group has four successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow!

LILIT: The Xiann, Taan and Endo group has five successes, three advantages.

NICK: Well dang.

CAMERON: On my purple die I only rolled one threat.

HUDSON: Nice.

NICK: Okay. Um… You’re able to traverse this entire facility. Nobody sees you. You’ve ducked out of the way of stormtroopers several times and of actual staff for the mansion several times.

CAMERON: Oh! Six advantages!

NICK: Oh, because you get an added one?

CAMERON: I get an added one for my armor. I forgot.

NICK: Yeah. Does that count even if you’re wearing clothes over it?

CAMERON: I mean, it’s an armor mod.

NICK: Yeah, I guess so.

CAMERON: It never says you have to be able to see my armor. [laughs] It just makes me quieter somehow.

NICK: You all are able to continue onward very easily. You avoid several guard patrols, no one sees you, and you’re working your way higher and higher in this mansion.

Karma, Tink and HK find themselves outside of a large double door that’s wooden and has two very big battle droids standing on either side of it. They look modified. They look like imperial design but not one that you’ve seen before. They have double cannons. They appear to have missiles. They appear to have sensor suites. These are weapons of war that are in this hallway.

HUDSON: So we’re in front of the robots, right?

NICK: You’re like around the corner. They haven’t detected you yet, but the next big obstacle you have is… this door looks very much like an entrance to, say, the office of the governor or something. You’ve made your way as far up as you can and there is just some war material sitting here.

HUDSON: It’s at night, right?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: Like, that’s when we’re coming in? Okay.

NICK: Yeah, I think y’all decided to go at nighttime.

HUDSON: I get on coms and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Everyone. Before we go any further, I just had a thought. I need help processing this. What if we find the governor in their bed and they sleep in the nude? Won’t that be a little weird? I’ve never killed someone in the nude before.

NICK (as HK): I have. I’m nude all the time by definition. That’s how I usually kill people.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I guess that’s true for you. I just don’t… Do we have them put on clothes before? I don’t know.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, it is not that hard, you just shoot them.

NICK (as Endo): Tink, keep this channel clear. This is unprofessional. You’re going to get us caught.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also HK, I feel like you are a different situation because Tink is upset about killing somebody who is naked whereas you are naked when you kill people.

NICK (as HK): Oh. I have also killed naked people.

NICK (as Endo): Why are we still talking?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we get off the coms now. Bye~ See you all later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Love you~

NICK (as HK): Bye, secondary user.

LILIT (as Xianna): Love you bye~

[chuckling]

NICK: Taan can’t help but smile at that conversation a little bit. Endo is emanating murderous rage right now. You’ve seen several times where he has maneuvered to try to fall behind with you where Taan wouldn’t see or to get ahead to do something and you’ve managed to expertly keep in the middle of the group in between the two of them, so he hasn’t been able to do anything yet. But we are back to Karma, Tink and HK in front of this door.

CAMERON (as Karma): So…

HUDSON (as Tink): Tits, you got this, I think. You’re a droid, they’re droids.

NICK (as HK): I can absolutely attempt to kill them. Their armor does not appear that thick. Please stand by. Charging suppressing fire—

HUDSON (as Tink): No. Wait, wait, wait. No, hold on. No, not charge… wait. I meant like talk it out.

NICK (as HK): I was very excited.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you can, I mean—

NICK (as HK): You want me to talk to the droids?

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, I’d love for you to talk to the droids and just figure out their deal. Maybe they can be paid off. Maybe they love magic and they have a childish wonder that can distract them as we enter.

NICK (as HK): Okay.

CAMERON: Oh gosh…

NICK: [smiling] HK walks around the corner and starts to head towards these two battle droids. Who wants to play the two battle droids?

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: I’ll play one.

NICK: Yeah, so it’ll be Lilit and Cameron playing these battle droids. As HK walks down the hallway you can see just a massive amount of weapons pointed at HK. These battle droids are tracking as he walks nonchalantly closer. Even though he’s still carrying his large rifle they don’t seem to necessarily see that as a threat.

NICK (as HK): Hello, fellow non-organics. I can’t believe how weak those organics are. Am I right? Ha-ha, ha-ha.

LILIT (as battle droid): Yes, we all know that organics are weak.

CAMERON (as battle droid): Ha-ha.

LILIT (as battle droid): What is your stated business?

NICK (as HK): I am here to—Oh, I am not supposed to tell you my business. I am supposed to see if you have a deep-seated wonder in close up magic.

CAMERON (as battle droid): Your business is to see if we have a deep-seated wonder in close up magic?

NICK (as HK): Yes. It seems to be very, very childish that someone sent me to ask you if you are interested in something that someone can do, but here we are. Am I right? Organics. Ha-ha. … Anyway, can I get past you with some of my compatriots to visit the person you are protecting? I would appreciate it.

LILIT (as battle droid): May I admit something to the group?

NICK (as HK): Absolutely.

LILIT (as battle droid): I actually do have a deep-seated childlike wonder of magic.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as battle droid): It has always intrigued me how the organics can move their digits in a way where I do not see the coin.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did someone say Han Yolo?

HUDSON: And I start running toward them.

CAMERON (as battle droid): No.

NICK (as HK): This is my associate, Han Yolo, magician extraordinaire. By the way, my designation is 7175-MCG33.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, Tits is my associate here.

HUDSON: Then I just swoosh my cape. I have found a cape at this point. I don’t think I started with one.

[laughter]

NICK: It’s a tablecloth.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you ready for some… wonder?

LILIT (as battle droid): Roger-roger.

HUDSON (as Tink): What about you? Wait. Let’s first get a little talking going on. What are y’all’s names?

LILIT (as battle droid): I am battle droid designation 5247.

CAMERON (as battle droid): I am battle droid designation B3-3F.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Battle droids. Alright, we got a good crowd tonight. We got a good crowd tonight~ Alright, for my first trick, I’m gonna pull out this deck of cards. I want you to, uh… I shuffled these before, just believe me. Pick a card, 5317.

NICK: And I need you to roll a Skulduggery check, Tink, to show how good your close up magic is. These droids have a very good Perception, so it’s going to be two purples and a red versus your Skulduggery.

HUDSON: I’d like to flip a light side point.

NICK: Okay, and you can have a blue die because 5247 has a deep-seated wonder in magic.

HUDSON: [laughs] This is gonna be a little tricky. Three failures, one advantage.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Uh… describe how this trick goes, Hudson.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Pick a card, any card.

LILIT (as 5247): I picked the 7 of Clubs.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you can’t say what… [stammers] Okay, um… Alright, I’m taking the card back. I’m gonna just shuffle these all… Was this your card?!

HUDSON: And I try to flip it up real cool-like, like try to flip the card up but I actually just reveal my whole hand and it just flies everywhere and all the cards are 7 of Clubs, the whole deck.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as 5247): I do not feel like it is fair if the entire deck is the 7 of Clubs.

CAMERON (as B3-3F): Wait, 5247, what if the magic trick was that all of the cards became the 7 of Clubs when you picked it?

LILIT (as 5247): Oh. That would have indeed been an interesting magic trick. The sleight of hand would have been quite impressive. However, he has fumbled them all over.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh… well, uh… ooh.

LILIT (as 5247): Are you even a magician if you cannot do this simple trick? I am beginning to doubt your credentials.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you questioning Han Yolo?

NICK: HK says…

NICK (as HK): The real magic was the friends we made along the way.

NICK: …and shoots the back of the head of one of the droids.

[laughter]

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from—

LILIT (as 5247): [pathetic death cry sounding just like Clone Wars cartoon droids]

[laughter]

NICK: We’re gonna cut away from that to Xianna and Taan’na and Endo. You find yourself in a large empty room. It looks like it’s a ballroom, but the tables have been pushed up against the walls. You’re close to the top. You’re pretty sure that if you can just find the next staircase you’ll probably be up at the governor’s office and from there be able to quickly find the governor.

Xianna, it’s night, the lights are off except for some emergency lighting so it is pretty dark, and I need you to make a hard Perception check.

LILIT: Three successes.

NICK: So you notice as, from right behind Taan’na, Endo disappears, and you also notice as he appears right behind you and lunges to attack you, so it will be an upgraded difficulty for him. Cameron, roll me a melee attack with three yellows versus two purple and a red.

LILIT: Oh shit, I’m not wearing my coat.

NICK: Uh-oh.

LILIT: I lose my Defense.

CAMERON: Just one success.

NICK: Just one success… So Xianna, you take 5 damage, Pierce 2, as he stabs you in the back as you’re trying to turn around. You’re able to dodge a majority of the blow, but he still hits you.

LILIT: Okay. My Soak value is only a 2.

NICK: Okay, so 5 damage.

LILIT: So 5 damage… Okay.

NICK: Ow.

LILIT: Wow.

NICK: Taan… You can see your sister looking around in the dark trying to figure out what the sudden flurry of motion is.

NICK (as Endo): I told you I would kill you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Oh my god, Endo, I thought we were going to be civilized and wait until after we murdered the governor, but like, I guess we can fucking do this now.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

# Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.