Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 48:
#KissyChissy

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

If you’re wondering what the squad has been up to this holiday season, I can give you a hint. We’ve been making and editing a TON of content for Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer on our Patreon. If you’ve been wondering how to support us or just want more of that good, good Tabletop Squadron content you should check it out. We’ve got bonus adventures, some gosh darn good bloopers, and even a whole side show where Laura and Hudson watch the Mandalorian and talk about it. Thank you to all our patrons who are already there. We really appreciate your support for the show.

I want to once again give a shout out to our guest star and friend of the show, Mel D’Amato, for being on our podcast. This episode is called #KissyChissy, which is a label of their own creation, and I absolutely love it. If you like what Mel does, you can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Music this week is Atlantica by Speed Limit 35 and Heartbreaking by Kevin MacLeod under Creative Commons 4.0 license.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello again, everyone. This episode doesn’t have the usual around the table intro because of the way everything came together in post, so here we are. This is Episode 3 of the Illith arc, Episode 48 total. Going around the table we have Cameron playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter, Hudson playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, Laura playing Xianna, a Twi’lek smuggler, and Mel D’Amato, our guest today, is playing Illith Utena Hatake, a Chiss fashion rogue and all around flirt. If you like what Mel brings to the table they work really regularly with the One Shot Network and you can find them on Twitter at @melerella. Okay, now we’ll get back into it.

NICK: So, when we last left off from where this is going to start, you all had just lost the bidding for the cape. You met up with Illith and had a nice conversation outside about how it would probably be good to work together and you decided to go on the Afternoon Delight. You’re heading to Chandrila II to where a mysterious business person had rebuilt basically an ancient Jedi tomb and you’re going to try to steal the cape, and Illith offered you quite a bit of money.

MEL: 101,069 Credits.

CAMERON: –69 Credits.

NICK: Yep. Nice.

MEL: Yep. That I remember, not a planet name.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: I have that one in my notes, too.

NICK: Of course.

MEL: Vital information.

NICK: We see the ship taking off into space. As it snaps into hyperspace we see Karma turn around in the captain’s chair and head back to the rest of the group. What are you all doing?

LAURA: Xianna’s immediately gonna get into the hot tub.

NICK: Okay. Talk about what that’s gonna look like from Illith’s perspective who doesn’t even know that big circular thing in the middle is a hot tub.

LAURA: Xianna walks in, presses a few buttons, and then walks away into her bedroom. While she’s in her bedroom the hot tub raises up out of the floor, the lid opens up, and the jets come on. I’m sure there’s fun, colorful lights.

[bubbling jets start]

CAMERON: Mood music.

LAURA: Mood music starts playing. It’s lovely.

MEL: Excellent. Illith paused the moment they got on the ship and just kind of took it all in.

[bubbling stops]

NICK: It’s a lot.

MEL: Yeah…

NICK: [laughs] Tink, are you in the main room as the hot tub is powering on?

HUDSON: I was actually in my room, and I come out in swim trunks and adult bath toys. Now, let me explain. [laughter] These are not sexy adult bath toys, they’re adult action figures that are not for children. I’d bought them from a store, and I was like are these for children, and they told me no.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] I feel like this is not improving any as you’re talking.

HUDSON: And so, it’s like some Jedi action figures, and a loth-cat action figure, and…

CAMERON: A giant rubber duck.

HUDSON: Okay, yes, the rubber duck is there, but it’s not like a child’s rubber duck, because it’s black and has horns.

NICK: Obviously.

CAMERON: Yup.

LAURA: Xianna walks back out of her bedroom with a big towel wrapped around her.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ugh. Tink, you cannot bring those into the hot tub.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?

LAURA (as Xianna): Because they have tiny little parts. That is why they are not for children is their little, tiny parts that they might eat, and they will get in the hot tub and plug up the holes and then make no bubbles. I want the bubbles.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure only a few of them have small pieces. The rubber duck certainly doesn’t. It’ll just float. It’s designed for the bath.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. The rubber duck can go in the hot tub, but the other ones with the little pieces cannot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. I will pretend that the Jedi are riding the rubber duck all the way to the hot tub, and then they jump off dramatically and the duck is the only one who gets in.

NICK: As Tink is walking with the things across, the Jedi is just shedding lightsaber hilts and little ball bearings and things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

MEL: Illith gently walks past all of these tiny footfalls, god forbid they step on one and die on a Lego as the case may be, and starts to circle this hot tub and check it out.

LAURA: Yeah. The hot tub is in a nice little lounge area and there’s lots of seating. There is also a dryer. It comes out of the floor, and it’s just a big box that shoots air around in it, and we put Tink in it to dry him off and all of his hair.

HUDSON: It works really well.

MEL: Is it like that mall tornado recreator thing that kids put money in?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: Basically, yes.

MEL: Okay. Dope.

NICK: But heated, like you would use on a dog.

LAURA: And you have to put on ear protectors.

MEL: [snickers] Okay!

[laughter]

LAURA: Yep, it’s gotten weird.

NICK: Okay, so we have Xianna with a big towel, we’ve got Tink having formerly a bunch of adult bath toys and approaching the tub. Karma, I think you get everything squared away and you’re entering at about this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, is it hot tub time?

LAURA (as Xianna): It is always hot tub time.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, if you look at the clock it doesn’t say so, because it’s not a hot tub clock, but you could assume it’s hot tub time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Thank you for that explanation. Illith, do you wish to partake in the hot tub?

MEL (as Illith): Um… Sure?

CAMERON (as Karma): We have a costume closet that I’m sure has swimsuits.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, that won’t be necessary.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Okay.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Why would you need a swimsuit?

LAURA: Already in the hot tub, towel’s on the side, doesn’t seem like they’re wearing a swimsuit.

CAMERON (as Karma): I just don’t want to assume anyone’s comfort level.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I guess that is a proper thing to do.

MEL: Illith continues to circle the hot tub, but now after observing the behavior of everyone else begins to unfasten bits of clothing as they go.

CAMERON: Karma walks over to a wall panel, presses it, and it pops open. She takes out a couple of extra towels, closes the panel back up, sets the towels on the corner of the hot tub, walks into her room to go change into her swimsuit.

LAURA: Xianna leans out the side.

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma! Karma… When you are done, can you bring us some snacks, please?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah! I want a bantha cake.

CAMERON (as Karma): [reluctantly] Sure~

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Great. I am just already wet and I do not want to get it all over the food.

MEL (as Illith): Are there any drinks on this ship?

NICK: The camera dramatically pans to the full wet bar that is in this main living area, and then snap focuses down the hallway to another full bar that is not that far away. Illith, to your practiced party eye, I imagine that you have like Knowledge: Partying as a skill, yeah?

MEL: Yeah, absolutely.

NICK: To your practiced eye, this is a bar that has not only, like, after a party when most of it has been drank, this is like after the party and the person who lives at the house went through and drank most of their favorite things over the course of a couple of weeks afterwards. So, there’s empty bottles. At least once you go “Ooh! Tatooine tequila—Oh, that’s empty. That’s not helpful.” But there is enough, if you get creative, to make some pretty good drinks still, and then a surprising array of mixers. Pretty much any mixer you would want is there, just the actual liquor is running kind of low.

MEL: [chuckles] I think Illith is very creative and comes up with a lovely little cocktail. Actually, probably a close approximation to what they had at the show just probably without the edible flowers.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, that’s impressive for sure.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, sorry about that. We have not had a lot of time to restock. We have been… working. [huffs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll admit that I ate most of the edible flowers.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): He did.

HUDSON (as Tink): We were out of other snacks at the time.

LAURA (as Xianna): We still have a whole case of bantha cakes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I mean, yeah… I just wasn’t in the mood.

MEL (as Illith): Sometimes you want to eat healthy, dear.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Flowers are… healthier than bantha cakes.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, probably, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): I rest my case.

NICK (as HK): Statement: Tink hid all of the whole wheat bantha cakes behind the garbage disposal.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] Tink, is this true?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nark!

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as HK): Assessment: My behavior is nark-like.

LAURA (as Xianna): Actually Hank, you should not be a nark, that is bad. But also, maybe take the whole wheat bantha cakes out and put them back in a cabinet.

NICK (as HK): Command ignored by secondary user. Primary motivation changed. Nark protocol disabled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Just remember this, Hank. Snitches get whatever the droid equivalent of stitches is.

NICK (as HK): Colloquialism: Snitches get welding patterns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. That’s what I’ll use next time.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, it’s close enough I think.

NICK: Hank wanders off. He goes away. [laughter] He goes to go find whole wheat bantha cakes somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m glad everyone forgot about that.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): What do you mean? It just happened.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well… Let’s talk about something else.

LAURA (as Xianna): Why do you have so many toys?

HUDSON (as Tink): I have a very active imagination.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, there is a lot there that we can do. Oh, where do we even start with that one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, if you really wanna get into my head here, there is these Jedis, and I have little custom capes for them that I bought like as bonus accessories because I wanted them to represent different planets.

LAURA (as Xianna): yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): So rather than fighting the Sith, these Jedi warriors go and fight pollution and other types of—

NICK: I think we can pan away from the continued explanation at that point.

[laughter]

HUDSON: You know what, fade me out and just go.

CAMERON: We get a fade out to Karma walking back into the room wearing a swimsuit. She has a tray full of a wide array of drinks and snacks and popsicles on ice, and it’s on a floater so she comes and floats it into the middle of the hot tub.

NICK: Which is very large I guess, because it’s big enough for between three and seven people and a tray of floating snacks.

CAMERON: Obviously, yes. That’s why it has to retract into the floor, because it just takes up so much space.

LAURA: If you say that this drawing is proportional, the hot tub is bigger than a king size bed.

NICK: That’s a pretty good sized hot tub.

CAMERON: [laughs] It’s a swimming pool. It’s just a hot tub swimming pool.

LAURA: It’s not that much smaller than the cockpit either.

MEL: It’s like an onsen, with jets.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: It’s like one of those pools that the elderly people use to swim against a single current.

MEL: I think as Karma walks back into the room Illith has poured as much alcohol into a pitcher as they could. They found the alcohol with the highest amount left and then poured in mixers until it didn’t taste like shit, just made a big pitcher of it, and placed it on the floating thing that floats by so that it floats into the middle of the hot tub. By that point Illith has shed essentially all clothing and is now climbing into the hot tub.

[bubbling sounds resume]

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: Xianna’s grabbed a handful of snacks off the tray and is leaning outside of the hot tub a bit and kind of taking little chunks off the snacks and throwing them into the carpet near vents and then just making little (mouth clicking/animal coaxing noises) “come here” sounds.

NICK: You get no loth-rat. Loth-rat hiding… while you’re looking. Bum-bum-bum…

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re making a mess.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Uh, maybe, but it will not be a mess later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. If you’re gonna vacuum I’m not gonna complain.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m not gonna vacuum.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why are you throwing—Oh! Creamsicle? You think Creamsicle’s gonna eat all that?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes! Or Hank. I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s not going to be Hank.

[bubbling stops]

NICK: From far away you hear:

NICK (as HK): Explanatory Statement: I do not eat, being a droid.

NICK: So, we have the entire crew sitting in the hot tub. Xianna, when you look away from your snack tossing, when you look back sometimes there are bits and pieces missing.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] I knew it!

[bubbling sounds resume]

NICK: The water is bubbling warmly, caressing your skin. It’s pretty relaxing after this stressful situation, and it’s the four of you hanging out and eating snacks and drinking highly alcoholic beverages. You can hear the cheerful clinking of glasses and things from the other side of the ship as Hank does, something, from the kitchen, and you have some time. It’s gonna be quite a while before the ship gets where you’re going.

MEL (as Illith): How on earth did you all come in to have this ship? Do you own it? Is it yours?

LAURA (as Xianna): No. Someone gave it to us.

MEL (as Illith): Just handed it to you?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah! They just gave it to us.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like a signing bonus for a job.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well yeah, we do work for them, so technically I guess this is like our company ship, but I mean, I don’t think they want it back.

MEL (as Illith): Did it look like this when you got it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, for the most part it already looked like this. We did get it repainted at one point.

MEL (as Illith): I assume the outside.

CAMERON (as Karma): On the outside, though.

MEL (as Illith): Yes, the outside.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, we haven’t touched the inside. This is all original, I assume.

MEL (as Illith): Mmm.

MEL: How high onto the walls does the shag carpeting go? I need this for visualization purposes.

[laughter]

LAURA: It definitely goes at least a foot or two.

MEL: Oof, okay.

CAMERON: And it’s really plush shag carpeting.

MEL: Are there mirrors everywhere?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh yeah. Many of the bedrooms have mirrored ceilings. At least one bedroom has a disco ball, clap-on clap-off lights, some of the beds are circular and do rotate.

NICK: And are maybe leopard print.

LAURA: And a lot of the walls are velvet.

MEL: Beautiful.

MEL (as Illith): Tell me a bit about your ship. This is quite the interesting vessel you have.

HUDSON (as Tink): You want a tour of my room after this.

MEL (as Illith): Assuming it’s on a grander tour with everyone else present, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, it would just be everyone. I mean, they’ve seen it before, but they could come again.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna does start laughing.

MEL: There’s definitely a snicker from Illith.

HUDSON: I am oblivious.

LAURA (as Xianna): So, this is our ship. It is the Afternoon Delight. As you can see we have a hot tub and shag carpeting, and disco balls. That is fun.

MEL (as Illith): What on earth was its purpose before this?

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a pleasure yacht.

LAURA (as Xianna): A party ship. I think there is a button that if you press it does start playing music throughout the entire ship and sets off fireworks.

CAMERON (as Karma): With the amount of mostly empty alcohol bottles that were here when we acquired the ship, I would say mostly partying was its previous job.

LAURA (as Xianna): There is a sex room.

CAMERON (as Karma): That too.

MEL (as Illith): I’m sorry, what?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t know exactly where it is, and it’s very confusing, but then again I have not been in like half of the rooms in this ship so I might just forgotten where it was.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, it does seem to move.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah, it might actually move, but last time I found it, you know, some swings and some racks, and a very large assortment of face masks, and a whole row of whips. Yes. It’s exactly what you are thinking.

MEL (as Illith): Absolutely fascinating, and you say it moves?

LAURA (as Xianna): Pretty sure, or I have just forgotten entirely where it is, which does happen sometimes because of the alcohol or drugs.

MEL (as Illith): I’d be fascinated to test that theory. I’d love to see it move. Should we try?

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Oh, I thought you meant me get high and see if I can then find the sex room.

MEL (as Illith): Oh no, we… Well, a little of column A, a little of column B, why don’t we?

LAURA (as Xianna): Maybe it’s one of those things where I cannot find it again sober. That memory is solely tied to being inebriated.

CAMERON: [laughs]

MEL (as Illith): I mean, fair enough. Life is difficult enough as it is.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I am going to test this out whether or not anyone else does.

LAURA: Just reaches into the hot tub and from almost nowhere pulls out a full bottle of alcohol.

HUDSON (as Tink): Was that in the hot tub?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes! This is the one I keep in the hot tub.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you storing alcohol in the hot tub?

LAURA (as Xianna): Because then it’s where I need it. It’s just here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, I can’t fault your logic, but isn’t it hot?

LAURA (as Xianna): Well yes, but it is some sort of cinnamon based drink so it’s kind of okay hot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay…

LAURA (as Xianna): It is nice.

CAMERON (as Karma): You do you. Whatever. That’s fine.

MEL (as Illith): Live your best life, dear.

LAURA (as Xianna): I am trying.

NICK: There’s definitely a little plastic frog-looking creature floating in the bottle of alcohol, like that’s their thing.

LAURA: Oh yeah. There’s gotta be something floating around in that bottle.

HUDSON: I think it’s called Fire Fog.

NICK: [laughs]

MEL: Does it give off a fog when you open it?

HUDSON: Yes.

LAURA: Yes.

MEL: Hell yeah.

LAURA: There’s a little bit of a fog. Xianna takes a few swigs from it and then offers it up to the rest of the group.

LAURA (as Xianna): Does anyone else want some? No?

HUDSON (as Tink): I maintain a straightedge lifestyle, so I cannot take place.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good with this trash can punch that Illith came up with.

[giggling]

LAURA (as Xianna): Cool. Okay, I will put it back.

LAURA: Screws on the top and sinks it back into the hot tub and it disappears.

MEL (as Illith): That’s awfully heavy to have air in it and it doesn’t float in the hot tub.

LAURA (as Xianna): It kind of just stays in the middle? I don’t know how it works, but it just sort of floats exactly in the middle of the hot tub, every time.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s pretty much magnetism.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t… I don’t know if that is correct.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s why it always goes to the middle.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ohh! Sure.

NICK: We cut away to an alcohol commercial of two really tall tree-looking people. “Fire Fog, dense as a thousand suns.”

[laughter]

MEL: Illith takes a long swig of a cup of the, god, the monstrosity in the jug in the middle of the hot tub.

MEL (as Illith): Right. Shall we then?

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie!

CAMERON (as Karma): Cheers!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m happy to provide some fist bumps in lieu of alcohol.

CAMERON (as Karma): I brought apple juice for you, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s in this thermos.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): [giggling] You’re welcome.

LAURA (as Xianna): So, Illith.

MEL (as Illith): Yes?

LAURA (as Xianna): What is your deal? Just what is it, in general?

MEL (as Illith): Ah… In general? I’d say I’m a bit like you all. I follow the money and go where I need to go to work.

HUDSON (as Tink): That kinda sounds like us, actually. You hit the nail on the head. I mean, I have further hopes and dreams than that, but for right now that’s where my life is.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): I am mostly about making money, so that describes me pretty well.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m just kind of reliving being a mom at the moment and having a lot of flashbacks to that. I’m not working this job for money. I have found new children that need my help.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Karma manages to give Tink and Xianna a look that’s equal parts judgmental and protective.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ey, I resent that. I already have a mother, pretty sure. I mean I had one at some point.

CAMERON (as Karma): You definitely would have.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, not necessarily. I had one at one point, but you know, then she was carried off by stormtroopers, so I don’t really know anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s what happened to my parents! They were taken away too.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] Did you also have to hide in a kitchen cabinet while stormtroopers barged into your house? And you had to take your sister into the cabinets and hide? And then your mother was arrested and taken away to never be seen again?

HUDSON (as Tink): Not all of that, but…

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): I definitely hid.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well that is what happened to mine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LAURA (as Xianna): And now I am here! Many years later, but you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. I’m not gonna rustle up this memory right now in my head. I’m enjoying this apple juice way too much to be doing that.

[laughter]

MEL: Illith, hearing all that, they look a little stormy themself and kind of stare into the middle distance.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ve seen that stare before. You’re thirsty.

[laughter]

MEL (as Illith): Hmm. Um…

LAURA (as Xianna): Or possibly constipated. Or both.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, could be both.

LAURA (as Xianna): Or also parent problems.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, probably all of the above at this point. The hors d’oeuvres at that party weren’t very good.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, that is why I did not eat them.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m with you. I ate some.

MEL (as Illith): I regret it terribly.

MEL: Illith takes another big sip and finishes a glass and then reaches for more.

CAMERON: Karma eats a grape. I assume there’s grapes.

[laughter]

LAURA: Yeah, because Xianna’s taken another handful and is back to throwing food out into the shag carpeting.

LAURA (as Xianna): Don’t worry, karma, it is going to get picked up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. If I step on a grape though, I’m gonna be real upset, Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): I think if you stepped where a grape is the shag carpeting would protect both the grape and your foot. It is a very plush carpeting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fair. Good point.

LAURA (as Xianna): You would never know.

MEL: Illith turns around and faces out from everyone else in the hot tub and watches the snacks in the carpet. How deep is the shag?

LAURA: Oh, it’s DEEP.

NICK: It’s pretty bad. It’s between three and five inches of shag. It’s a lot.

MEL: I think Illith sees a little paw reach up and snag a grape and yank it under, like a little shag shark.

[laughter]

NICK: For sure.

MEL: They take another sip.

MEL (as Illith): Yes, I do also have some “parent problems,” and it did also involve stormtroopers as the case may be. My parents were military. I grew up in a very strict home. If you know anything about Chiss culture, which I assume you know at least a little, they are very strict and I was not what they would call a star pupil. When my parents left to serve, I was left behind, so instead I learned how to live by myself and left by myself, so it might have not been quite the tragedy, no stolen hearts or anything like that, but abandonment, things of that nature.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, it still fucking sucks.

HUDSON (as Tink): We should start a club, get jackets.

CAMERON: Karma just hands everybody a cookie.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): So, just like, I have parental issues club?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, pretty much. We can work through it together. You know, I want an excuse to get jackets.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

NICK: HK walks through the room.

NICK (as HK): Postulation: The IHPI Club, “I happy.”

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Actually, that is not a bad idea, Hank. Thank you for that one. We can make jackets and then we can become a gang! [gasps] Ooh!

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if we’re channeling this in the right way.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. It is most certainly not, but I think it would be a wonderful creative outlet. We can make patches, and style our jackets, and we can come up with cool nicknames, and then stab people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, I was 100% there with you until the stabbing people. Depending on the people, actually. Let me rephrase that.

LAURA (as Xianna): You carry swords around and stab people!

CAMERON (as Karma): I know, which is why I backed off of that statement. I’m 100% down for picking up some denim jackets on our next stop and getting a bedazzler.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t want a denim one, I want a leather one. It is black and cool and has studs on it.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, most definitely leather.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you gonna wear it over your other jacket?

LAURA (as Xianna): I will wear it over my other jacket and I will get cool patches for it, and [gasps] we can put the name of our ship on it, and we can get the pin-up girl on it too, and I’ll put my girlfriend’s name on it, and I {can turn it into a patch and thread and put it on there}, and then we can put safety pins in it!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s edgy. That’s real edgy. I’m into that.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes!

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA (as Xianna): Like I said, we are going to be a gang now, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh. I got my gang name.

CAMERON (as Karma): What’s your gang name? I’m scared to find out.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s 2Scoop.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why…?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s the right amount of ice cream when I eat ice cream… that I enjoy.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): I think some people are going to take that to mean something very different, but it works both ways.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LAURA: Xianna jumps out of the hot tub.

CAMERON: We’ve established that we have all of the short, silk Empire robes that we got as gifts.

NICK: Oh yeah.

LAURA: I’m gonna retcon and say that those were stacked out right outside the hot tub.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: We have them hanging next to the dryer.

NICK: They’re always available for whoever uses the hot tub.

LAURA: Xianna jumps out of the hot tub, grabs one, puts it on.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] I am going to check the costume room to see if we have jackets! Does anyone else want a jacket in case we want to start a gang?

MEL (as Illith): Oh, jackets!

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink~?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll go with you. I might want to see some jackets.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Karma, I actually don’t know what your situation with your parents, if you have them, are. I don’t know if you can be a part of this club or not.

CAMERON (as Karma): How about I’m the teacher sponsor for this club.

LAURA (as Xianna): That is not how gangs work.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): A lot of gangs have a motherly figure who makes them cookies and treats and meals.

LAURA (as Xianna): The gang matriarch!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

LAURA (as Xianna): You will be the matriarch of our gang, and we will come to you with our problems, and you will feed us and tell us we are stupid.

CAMERON (as Karma): That all seems like things I could do.

LAURA (as Xianna): Great. Okay. let’s go find the… Does anyone know where the costume room is?

CAMERON (as Karma): yes, I know where the costume room is. It’s down this way.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay!

CAMERON: Cue adventure! [laughs]

NICK: We get this scene of Xianna taking off, Tink quickly going after, Karma getting up and grabbing a robe and putting it on, and Illith sitting with their arms draped over the hot tub just kinda watching the retreating figures, because that was abrupt. Illith, do you follow them? What do you do?

MEL: Oh absolutely. Illith reaches back, grabs the whole pitcher, and then slips on a kimono and just loosely ties it in a precarious way.

LAURA: Xianna’s doing the best flight attendant motions.

LAURA (as Xianna): These are our bedrooms. There is a number of them. I don’t know how many. This is a big old dining room. I have never eaten in this dining room. I do not know why it is here. It seats like 20 people at that table. It is too much.

MEL (as Illith): Wow.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think we ate ramen in there once.

LAURA (as Xianna): Did we? When?!

CAMERON (as Karma): You were on drugs, you may not remember it…

LAURA (as Xianna): When was this?

CAMERON (as Karma): …but I’m pretty sure you made us ramen.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t doubt that I made ramen at some point. This is our holo-theater. I don’t think I have ever watched a movie in here, but sometimes we take business calls.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Next, this is our wardrobe. It has our closets and our costumes in it.

CAMERON: We open the door. It is a large closet.

LAURA: It’s also a mess, because Xianna tends to be the one going into it to get costumes, so there’s just piles and things falling off of hangers. You open the door and something falls off a top shelf.

CAMERON: There’s one corner of it that just has a lot of capes that’s all very nicely maintained.

NICK: The camera doesn’t focus very well on the clothes as though it’s whatever we need it to be at any given time and they don’t want people to get too much detail about it. [smiling]

CAMERON: Start pulling out jackets.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna dives in there and just starts pulling out jackets.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I found a yellow leather jacket. No other jackets. Ooh wait, no, I have a denim jacket. Karma wanted a denim jacket. I guess we are going to have to go shopping at some point if we want to make a proper gang.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I kinda wanted a red leather jacket. I was going between red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, and I couldn’t decide.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, well we have a yellow leather one, so if you want that, cool, but we do not have the red leather.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll order it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK: Okay, so you’ve made it to the wardrobe. You have a denim jacket and a yellow leather jacket. Thanks for that. That’s helpful.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

MEL: [chuckles]

NICK: Great. You’re in hyperspace so the ship has a low hum, but you hear a loud thump from the other side of the ship.

MEL (as Illith): Oh my.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, what was that?

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know.

LAURA (as Xianna): Does anyone else live on this ship?

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, we can’t know for sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): But no.

LAURA (as Xianna): Do you think it was Creamsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s only one way to find out. It could be the… fluxinumerator… backfiring.

CAMERON (as Karma): Those were engineering words.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I worked on it the other day.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay. If you say so.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is that a thing that happens normally or is that a thing you need to go look at?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… We’re risk takers, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean I am.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. We should go look at it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Go!

[laughter]

HUDSON: Is this a race?!

NICK: Everybody starts running I guess.

MEL: The gang all shrugs and walks out of the room.

NICK: Xianna goes “okay, go,” and everyone looks at each other and Hank just books it, just immediately with machine-like reflexes, and then everyone else shrugs and walks in the direction of the thump, because HK did not walk in the direction of the thump.

[upbeat 60s surfer rock music starts]

The thump happens periodically. Everyone give me one of the tableaus of you all running around the ship in your robes carrying pitchers of alcohol.

LAURA: Because the bedrooms are in a little hallway, so it’s a line of doors, we absolutely do the Scooby Doo thing where we all go into one bedroom and then we each come out a different bedroom, and then we keep going into different bedrooms because one of us will go into one and then the other person will come out, look in the hallways, can’t find them, so they go into a different bedroom, and then it just keeps going until we all come out at the same time and run into each other.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: Yeah, that happens. In Tink’s scenario I’m running back and forth between the rooms, but every time I come out of a room I’m holding a different snack. I have a popsicle the first time and I’m just eating it furiously because I’m running, and then I come into a room, out another one, bantha cake, right in my mouth. Go in, go out again, I come out, I have some pasta. I don’t know how that happened. That was the last snack, and I kinda meet up with everybody like you said at the very end and I’m just rubbing my stomach because it’s hurting.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. The noise is not coming from one of the bedrooms.

MEL: Illith walks out of a door with a riding crop in hand.

[giggling]

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh. Which bedroom did you find that one in? Is it the one with the disco ball down? Because that might be mine.

MEL (as Illith): Oh no, this was just in a random room I walked across. Um…

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, then I don’t know whose that is then.

MEL (as Illith): I don’t know. Oh, you know, it might have been the sex room, but I honestly couldn’t—

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, was there a lineup of them on the wall?

MEL (as Illith): Oh yes, I grabbed the prettiest one.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, that was the sex room then.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, I found it.

LAURA (as Xianna): That should be cool then.

MEL (as Illith): Excellent, but I could not tell you which door, because we were just running in and out of every door in this hallway.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Does it have rhinestones on it?

MEL: You bet your ass it does, but it has red and blue rhinestones and silky black leather and she’s just kind of twirling it in one hand and drinking out of the pitcher.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. That was my suggestion. Does anyone else know where we should look for the bump?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. I hear the bump again. That way!

CAMERON: We rush off again.

[music fades]

NICK: [laughs] Everybody runs off. So, this continues for a while, and then… What’s one of the rooms we haven’t named yet, Laura?

LAURA: Sixteen and 22.

NICK: I like that. We’ll give Mel some stuff to work with. Mel, you come to a room. The door is kind of the same color as the wall. Illith has ended up in the lead. I think probably by gesturing which way to go with the riding crop you’ve gained superiority and command of the group a little bit.

[laughter]

MEL: Dope.

NICK: You’ve gone past the dining room two or three times, and everyone keeps walking past this other door and not even acknowledging it, and you keep expecting someone to say let’s look in there and they keep not, so you finally decide to look in this room.

MEL: I just smack the riding crop on the wall and it makes a very loud noise, and everyone just stops.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Yes?

[laughter]

NICK: The thing about this, Mel, what I wanna do, I wanna let you tell us what is this room in the ship that they haven’t noticed yet?

MEL: What kind of room does a pleasure ship need…? Ah, it’s a botanical garden.

HUDSON: Cool.

NICK: Illith, you point out this room with your riding crop, and everyone snaps kind of subconsciously to attention, and you press the button and the door swings open. What do they see as you lead the way into the location of the mysterious thumping?

[sweet nature music starts]

MEL: You see a room that has been left alone to its own devices for probably longer than it should have but not so long that the plants have destroyed anything. The ship has an automatic protocol to water and care for and light the plants, so we have a dim light filtering through vines that are hanging off of a tall ceiling, or as tall as it can be in a ship this size. Trees sprout off the ground and reach upwards. They’re not thick trees, but miniature versions of trees you would find on all types of tropical planets. They’ve been very expensively, I might add, shrunk to fit the size of ship that it is on. There are bushes and lots and lots of flowers, and a small pathway that leads through the center of it.

NICK: Wow… It’s not huge, because it is on a ship, but a hush falls over the group and with a certain amount of awe the group walks into this room and follows this little narrow trail. As the door slides shut and you stop for a minute the plants absorb the sound of the ship. You just hear the drip of water from the irrigation system and it’s a peaceful place. It’s strange, you all haven’t had a moment to just stand and think since way back on Unroola Dawn before all of this started. You get a moment to think, and it’s a little humid but in a way that feels rejuvenating, not suffocating, and these plants just surround you with quiet. You have this moment to yourselves.

[music stops]

MEL: This is probably the cleanest air you’ll ever breathe.

LAURA: Oh yes, because we have not messed this place up with snack sand spilled drinks.

HUDSON: And hot tub humidity.

LAURA: And whatever Sabos did in his room.

[laughter]

MEL: Illith walks further into the room and the little path winds a little bit so that what’s past it is shielded by trees and vines and plants, and as they come around a corner they find a small pond stocked with some fish and kind of a small seating area and grass where you can sit down.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh shit! This is nice!

[laughter]

CAMERON: As Karma walks she stops and leans down and picks a few edible flowers and then drops them into the pitcher.

NICK: Nice.

MEL: Absolutely.

NICK: The pond is bigger than you would expect to find on a ship, definitely, but it is a lot smaller than it looks. Because of the way the walls are painted and the plants have interacted with them, you can sit on this little grassy hill in front of this pond and feed the fish bits of flowers and all sorts of things, and it feels like you’re in a wide open space even though you know you’re on a ship. You know if you walked very far in any direction you’d probably find a wall, but it’s like this whole room was designed to feel like you’re outside and to ease cabin fever and claustrophobia. You’re all able to sit down on this little bit of lawn, and while it’s a little longer than it probably as intended to be, it’s comfortable and it’s very nice.

LAURA (as Xianna): Anyways. Let’s go see if we can find any… What was it? Oh, we’re getting jackets for a gang, right?! [laughter] That’s what we’re doing. Wait, no.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought there was a thumping.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, the thumping. Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did you take drugs earlier?

LAURA (as Xianna): No, just alcohol.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay. That explains it.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m just like this.

CAMERON (as Karma): How did we not know this door was here?

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, I don’t look when we are getting on the ship. I usually head straight to my bedroom or the hot tub.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Huh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Like I said, I have not been in many of the rooms on the ship before.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, thank you for finding this, Illith. This is very nice.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, of course, dear.

MEL: Illith takes another big swig out of the drink they have.

NICK: We definitely get a close-up of Illith’s glowing Chiss eyes looking out over this peaceful pond and scene as these three chuckleheads just banter behind Illith. They get this moment of watching these large coy fish, probably with too many extra whiskers because it’s Star Wars, swimming around in this pond in a circle. Illith, how are you feeling right now in this situation?

MEL: Illith stares out over the water, the expansive, non-expansive body of water, and drifts to thoughts of their old home, because back on their planet it was an icy hell scape, but every home – at least the wealthier Chiss homes – had an atrium much like this where they could find peace and fresh air and warmth and humidity, and just a place to be quiet and peaceful with their thoughts.

NICK: I think as Tink and Xianna are arguing about whether they were on the thump mission or the leather jacket mission, Karma, you probably do notice that Illith seems more reserved and introspective than usual.

CAMERON: I go and sit down next to Illith and hold my hand out for the pitcher to refill my cup.

MEL: Illith gives a generous pour.

CAMERON: Yay.

NICK: Heh.

CAMERON: Karma joins Illith in looking out over the little baby lake.

NICK: You get a quiet moment, and then Xianna and Tink high-five and sprint out of the room.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Where are we going next?!

MEL: We hear from the hallway.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): [distant] Where are we going next~?

NICK: The hijinks and the peacefulness of the ship are just a really weird combination, Illith, and you get a pretty good feel for how this group operates in general. They wander around for quite a while, and then in the holo-theater you all come to a speaker that’s inset in the wall that’s thumping erratically. As you all get up to the speaker you hear a squeaking noise and then a rattling in the walls, and it seems like the thudding all along was some sort of small creature that had gotten into the sound system and maybe that’s what the issue was.

CAMERON: What ever could it be?

NICK: So, they walk around, the rat gets away, it’s pretty great.

CAMERON: We all settle down, we watch a movie, we eat popcorn.

NICK: Yeah. It’s an action film, and the camera fades out, and when it fades back in there’s a final shot of the action film and it’s an orange Rodian with an eyepatch standing on a rock outcropping with a shirtless Pantoran leaning against his leg looking up adoringly as he fires into the air, yelling…

NICK (as Neato): I’ll get you next time, suckers!

NICK: …and then it goes to the credits. You guys space Netflix one of Neato’s documentaries, because it’s a documentary, because you had just hung out with him, so that’s fun.

CAMERON: Great.

NICK: You get this moment of sitting in the holo-theater and the lights turn on, and then fade, and then fade back up, which you know is the ship saying that you’re about to exit hyperspace. You’re close to where you are going.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so what are our thoughts on doing embroidery on the jacket versus getting sew-on patches?

MEL (as Illith): I do so like sew-on patches a bit more. They have more definition. You can get the colors more definite. If it’s, I’m assuming, black leather you might have some trouble with leather breaking. You’ll want the extra backing, you know?

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh yes. If we do sew-on patches we can order them as a whole group. We do not have to send it off each time we want something embroidered. We can just order a bag of patches and distribute them.

MEL (as Illith): Yes, and if we get new members we’d be able to hand it out right then and there.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh yes. We are going to have to get someone to design our gang logo.

NICK: Fan artists, get at us.

[laughter]

NICK: End of episode.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and will make the squad do barrel rolls in our X-wings when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Illith Utena Hatake is played by Mel D’Amato. You can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @Cheerio_Buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.