Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 49:
Aggressive Archeology

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

You all have heard me say this before, but you’re gonna hear me say it again. Mel D’Amato, fantastic person, wonderful guest, great friend. Mel is awesome, and if you want to hear more from them follow them on Twitter at @melerella. Thank you again for being on our show, Mel.

Secondly, we are a mere $5 from hitting our next Patreon goal level. Once we hit the hot tub hangout level the team is going to be adding a ton of content. We’ve got new Discord channels and streaming planned. Hitting the next level will allow us to create a setup to stream some games and informal Q&As as well as some tabletop fun. To celebrate, I’m going to buy the weirdest X-wing miniature I can think of, so if you want to see me get immediately shot down in space by Hudson and Laura consider supporting us. Thanks everyone.

One last and very important thing: Friend of the show Aly Grauer is rereleasing her novel ‘On the Isle of Sound and Wonder’ on January 7. “Wild Mira knows the island better than anyone, and she knows the patterns of the sea and sky. She knows too that the storm that brings a shipwreck to her island shores is not natural but is summoned by her father’s dark, strange powers. When the wreck survivors wash up all over the island the mysteries of Mira’s past come with them and the truth of her father’s deeds can finally be brought to light.” Folks, Aly is a word artist and you’re going to want to get in on this one. You can find ‘On the Isle of Sound and Wonder’ on Amazon for pre-order or on Shadesilk Press. There’s a link to that page in the show notes. I personally am extremely excited.

Music this week is Social Blast by To Eris and Through the Dunes by Manuel Senfft.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hi everyone. Nick here again. This is an episode where we didn’t do the standard intro because of the way everything came together in post. Going around the table we have Mel playing Illith Utena Hatake, a Chiss flirt and fashion rogue, Cameron playing Karma, a Nautolan bounty hunter, Hudson playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and Laura playing Xianna, a Twi’lek smuggler. Quick recap from the last episode: The crew got onto the ship, explained about hot tubs and being sad about your parents works to Illith, they swore that they were going to get cool jackets, they chased Creamsicle for quite a while, and they discovered a secret, peaceful garden hidden somewhere in the ship they hadn’t noticed before. That’s pretty much it, so let’s keep on rolling.

NICK: We get the ship snapping into orbit above Chandrila II. It’s a surprisingly desert planet but with big, craggy, low polygon count mountains. [laughter] I stole this setting from a game from the 90s is the thing. The ship comes in to land and you see that there’s a very large, extremely tall electric fence around what looks like a half-sunken temple, and you can see some modified battle droids with kind of ski feet patrolling the perimeter. There are two guards wearing full head wraps and goggles and gear, very much like Rey salvage outfits guarding the gate with carbine rifles, and that’s what you can see. What do you do?

CAMERON (as Karma): Question. Are we sneaking or talking?

HUDSON (as Tink): We have this IOU according to Xianna…

CAMERON (as Karma): So talking?

HUDSON (as Tink): …so talking?

CAMERON (as Karma): Talking? Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s call them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I just wanted to know where to park the ship.

LAURA: At this moment, Xianna is currently in the Jacuzzi area, in the shag carpeting, and is on the ground and is once again setting little bits of food out to try to catch Creamsicle, and probably at some point pops out of one of the vents.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, I saw evidence that Creamsicle was in the vent, but do  not see Creamsicle, however I think putting out the granola bars will attract them.

NICK: [reluctantly] Make me a Survival check. Heh.

LAURA: Okay, I’m actually gonna do that.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: I know~ Flip me a dark side point though, because I want a despair off of this if I can get it.

LAURA: Ugh! I was just about to ask to flip one.

NICK: I know. This is what we spend our destiny points on.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: Hard.

MEL: Illith is just standing there watching.

MEL (as Illith): What odd behavior…

CAMERON: [gasps]

LAURA: Is that cocked or not?

HUDSON: That’s cocked, actually.

CAMERON: I feel like that’s enough of a despair that it should stay, though.

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s keep it a despair.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Okay, fine… Okay! So three successes, a despair without the failure, and two threats. [laughter] Yes, I see your face and I know.

NICK: What the shit? You would probably rather spend your successes on Creamsicle beginning to build a relationship, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Creamsicle eats the granola bars and even lets you get almost close enough to pet it but then dives back into the walls. You look down through the vent and see that not only is it the vent system but that there has been a hole chewed in the vent so it’s literally in the walls now.

LAURA: Xianna has her head in the vent.

LAURA (as Xianna): It is in the walls! Oh no! Okay. Oopsies.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I am building a relationship with Creamsicle, but they have chewed a hole in the wall. Sorry Tink. I know this is not actually your ship, but you know, you do the mechanic things.

HUDSON (as Tink): No fur off my back.

LAURA (as Xianna): Cool. Okay.

MEL (as Illith): Apologies for my ignorance, but what is a Creamsicle?

LAURA (as Xianna): So, a creamsicle is a type of dessert treat that has a vanilla—

HUDSON (as Tink): You’ve never had a creamsicle?!

LAURA (as Xianna): It has like a vanilla center and like an orange coating.

MEL (as Illith): [goes to speak, stops, sighs]

LAURA (as Xianna): But, there is also a loth-rat on the ship and it is orange so I have named it Creamsicle and it is now my friend and I am going to make it my pet, and we are going to have fun adventures together.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, I see. A loth-rat?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

MEL (as Illith): I have a loth-cat.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, those are also fun. Ryloth has these things called tooka cats which are exactly like loth-cats except they are purple.

MEL (as Illith): Ooh, wonderful. My loth-cat is named Root Beer Float.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): They sound very nice.

NICK: The loth-rat, Creamsicle, comes out of the opposite side of the wall just where Illith can see it, and it’s this surprisingly large rat creature that basically looks like a fennec fox with a rat tail and if it was just ratty enough to look a little off-putting but otherwise very cute, and it wiggles its nose at you and then dives backwards into the vents.

MEL: Before it dives back in, it looks at Illith and Illith just winks, and then it’s like [smoothly] “what’s up” and dives back in.

[laughter]

LAURA: “Sup?”

MEL: “Sup?”

NICK: You have forged a relationship with Creamsicle just as strong as all of those granola bars did. That whole thing happened while Tink and Karma were standing by the off-ramp discussing their strategy. I think since you agreed on talking it out we get a (Batman scene change tune) and you’re standing in front of these two robed guards standing in the desert with very well maintained blaster rifles. The one on the left who is taller pulls down a face mask to reveal a Human with a handlebar mustache, because why not.

NICK (as Guard): I am so sorry, but Barsen’thor’s Tomb on Chandrila II is not open yet for tourists and tours. We’re still finishing construction, so we’re going to have to ask you to leave immediately.

LAURA (as Xianna): We are not tourists.

NICK (as Guard): Oh, well then this is private property.

NICK: The gun safety gets taken off and you hear the blaster start to charge.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, no, no. We would like to talk to Kettle please.

NICK: The shorter one looks very nervous and shoulders their rifle without pointing it at you. You just hear (mumbling) and the taller guard says:

NICK (as Guard): We don’t bother the boss with people coming to visit. You’re gonna have to leave.

MEL: Illith takes this opportunity to sway forward, because when Illith moves with intent it’s very slinky and mesmerizing.

NICK: of course it is.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

MEL: Illith approaches just slightly closer than everyone else.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, my dear boy, you must calm down. We’re not here to cause problems. I’m actually a person of interest for Kettle. We were intending to have a conversation. We’re both purchasers of interesting goods, and I just wanted to speak with her if she’s available, dear. Would you be so sweet?

NICK: The gun drops as Illith is talking back to kind of at rest because their voice is mesmerizing, and you can see through the goggles and with your infrared vision that Chiss have, their pulse quickens and the guard says:

NICK (as Guard): Well, so, that’s all well and good. We’re not gonna be shooting you or anything, we don’t want the attention, but Kettle isn’t here. Recently they just got a new item in and it just got put in. It actually, weirdly, that delivery only happened like an hour before you got here.

MEL (as Illith): My, what a coincidence.

NICK (as Guard): Oh, I’m beginning to understand. So Kettle isn’t here, and I just, I don’t think I can let you in. I’m so sorry.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, I completely understand. I don’t want to intrude on an empty home, certainly not. Is there anywhere we could go to find Kettle? I don’t want to be intrusive, it’s just an essential matter regarding items that I’ve just purchased as well.

NICK: Man, this sounds like a Charm check, doesn’t it?

MEL: Ooh! I guess so~

NICK: This one’s gonna be average, and y’all have name-dropped Kettle which they weren’t expecting, so that’s a blue die as well.

CAMERON: That’s four successes.

NICK (as Guard): I think we can work something out here. I don’t- No, I was lying earlier. I’m not actually sure where Kettle is. Kettle doesn’t talk to us. Kettle has their own entrance. She may be inside. I would be willing to let you in on… What if we just called it a pre-tour of the facility, and we thought that you were with her if anyone asks, and if you wanted to just go in and see what Barsen’thor’s Tomb on Chandrila II is going to look like… would that work for you?

MEL (as Illith): That’s ever so sweet, my dear.

NICK (as Guard): When you get back out, if you like it and you want to know when it’s done you could just give me a call on my com.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: He slides a piece of flimsy with a com number which has to be like 48 digits, right? The whole galaxy uses the same system.

MEL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Maybe it’s like a QR code, like you scan it.

MEL: Dope.

NICK: Maybe, but this is also weirdly 70s technology a lot of the time. You might need a rotator to dial the com.

[laughter]

LAURA: Maybe it’s a card with a bunch of holes punched in it and you have to insert it into something.

MEL: Perfect.

NICK: I like that the technology doesn’t match. You could use a card with holes in it to program fiber optic cables. Nothing makes sense.

MEL: I think as they start to get a card out the gate behind them starts to swing open, and Illith slinks forward. They walk up, take the card, do a little twirl around the finger, and then as they walk they free their finger and drag it across their prominent jawline and walk away.

[laughter]

NICK: Oh man. The guard literally freezes in place like he’s seen an animal in the distance and doesn’t want to scare it off. You walk by. He looks straight ahead.

NICK (as Guard): [struggling] Um… Well, back to patrolling!

NICK: The friend (mumbles).

NICK (as Guard): [hushed] Shut up! Shut up!

NICK: The group is able to go into this rebuilt temple.

MEL: You can hear as they walk away:

MEL (as Illith): My, that was a big gun.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Flashback to as we were walking up to the guards, (boop-bwoop).

NICK: I’m not gonna steal your ship.

CAMERON: I’m just scared because I started a trend so if I forget to do it now I feel like something bad is gonna happen. [laughs]

[desert music starts]

NICK: Okay. The ship is locked. You are able to walk up towards this temple. You immediately get that Disney World feel. It looks old, but the way the stones are cut and layered don’t quite look right. As you get close you’re able to reach out and touch the wall and it’s like durasteel layered in stucco instead of the actual stone. It’s very nice, but it’s not authentic necessarily.

LAURA: Xianna has her ear cone up to it and is knocking on it.

LAURA (as Xianna): This is fake. It is fake. Just letting everyone know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, Xianna, that’s not polite.

MEL: Do they do what they do at Disney World? Disney has the smell of cookies that gets thrown into the pathways.

LAURA: Oh, like the smell of sand?

MEL: an old scent of a temple being shot into the room.

LAURA: Oh, like must and old books.

MEL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

NICK: So it’s like must, old books, but some spices so that it smells intriguing.

[sounds of agreement]

MEL: It gets you in the mood for temples.

NICK: Yeah, not too off-putting.

MEL: [seductively] In the mood for temples.

NICK: Oh yeah.

MEL: [giggles] Ooh~

NICK: You walk into the first antechamber and you can see that there’s a concession stand that’s completely empty and you get a brief, strong sent of baked goods and then as you walk past it goes back to the musty and mysterious spices. You’re able to enter this room. The temple itself is very big, very open. You’re able to go down a spiral staircase very quickly that looks like it might be a queue for a line if there were more people here, like that’s where they would stack up. You come to this extremely large open room, like interior of a dome football stadium with several very large, low polygon count columns tipped at different angles, up through the ceiling. There’s an area in the back where it looks like the roof is fractured and unstable – looks it, probably not – with a little bit of sunlight streaming in. This whole way on the way in you’ve seen different artifacts and things. You’ve seen pieces of lightsaber that don’t necessarily look like lightsaber unless you know what you’re looking at. You’ve seen different Jedi robes. There was a spot that looked like a place where you would bolt a droid to the ground where it could orate, but it’s only a droid from the knees down, like they haven’t finished installing it.

You get to this big room, and on the far wall you see this very ornate but armored Jedi robe that’s got golden shimmering highlights in it, but it looks like battle armor, like in the Clone Wars, the stuff that Obi-Wan wears that has the padding and the plate mixed in, it looks like that but with gold highlights and really cool paint decals and colors and stuff. Then, next to that in a case you see the half cape with the little thong hung on a mannequin that’s right there. The mannequin that it’s hung on looks like it was set up for the reproduction on the other side, so it doesn’t quite fit. There’s leather gloves and stuff on the mannequin where they assumed would stick out of the armor and there isn’t that, so the whole thing is just kind of piecemeal, like it’s still in production. That’s what you can see in the room. What all do you do?

[music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, the one on the right looks more like what I was expecting to find.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, none of us were expecting the thong.

CAMERON (as Karma): It was a surprise. It was a pleasant surprise.

HUDSON (as Tink): it was a surprise.

MEL (as Illith): That was a very good butt.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes. High-five.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna’s looking at Karma.

LAURA (as Xianna): So, um, are we stealing this…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay good!

MEL (as Illith): Sorry, what did you say?

LAURA: Xianna just immediately starts casing the whole joint.

NICK: Alright. Anybody who is worried about security measures could roll me a Perception check.

CAMERON: Okay. That would be Karma.

LAURA: Perception or Skulduggery, since full casing?

NICK: I would allow a hard Perception check or a daunting Skulduggery check.

LAURA: Flip a light side point.

NICK: Okay. You’re upgrading your Skulduggery there?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Okie-dokie.

HUDSON: I want Perception.

NICK: So many dice.

HUDSON: Hmm… Three failures.

NICK: Great.

HUDSON: I don’t see jack shit.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Tink’s like “This is a big room.” Karma got two successes and one threat.

LAURA: Okay, so a triumph with a success, four more successes, two threats.

MEL: Dope! I’m not even gonna try.

NICK: Wow. Okay. Illith is using their people skills to let people do what they’re good at. Here’s how this goes. Tink goes, “wow, what a wide open room” and just starts to stride across. Karma, you look up and you see that there is a large shape perched on top of one of the pillars. You go “that seems bad,” and you reach out to call to Tink. Xianna, you look and you are immediately looking for tripwires, pressure plates, security systems, cameras, those kind of things. You see a couple of cameras up on the wall. They don’t look much like you’re used to, they’re the kind of models that record archive footage more than a live monitored feed, so you kind of discount those. Then, you look up and you see a large shape on top of a pillar, and you go “that’s not good.” Illith, you go “they seem very capable, I think they got this,” and then about this point Tink is walking towards these robes and a giant… it looks like if a flying fish and a tiger had a baby, comes jumping off of one of these columns.

LAURA: In which–?! In what way?!

CAMERON: What parts of which?!

NICK: I’m getting there. [laughter] So, it’s got massive red and black striped legs with huge claws, and coming out from under each of its legs, kind of in a swept-back Power Rangers robot position are these spiked fins, and the head looks like a catfish if a catfish had giant sabretooth tiger fangs, and it’s all red and black striped and modeled, it blended into the shadows. So, this thing comes jumping off of the pillar and lands on Tink.

[techno music starts]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof!

NICK: Doing… Could you roll me two yellow dice versus an average check? Let’s see how much damage Tink takes, because he got hit by a tiger.

CAMERON: One advantage.

NICK: Taking no damage, great, but you are pinned under this giant tiger thing. I’m gonna need everybody to roll me some Vigilance, because we’re starting combat.

MEL: One success and two advantages, please.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: One success for Xianna, although I would like to say that with that triumph Xianna just very calmly points to Tink and the tiger.

LAURA (as Xianna): Excuse me. There is some sort of creature on top of Tink. I do not think that is normal.

HUDSON: I have a triumph and an additional success.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Karma got two successes.

NICK: Roll me three yellows for this thing’s Vigilance, please.

CAMERON: Four successes, two advantages.

NICK: Hmm.

CAMERON: What’s hank’s Vigilance?

NICK: Two yellows and two greens.

CAMERON: Four successes, two advantages.

NICK: So it’s gonna go monster, four PC slots, NPC slot, and then four PC slots because Hank went first. Four successes, he had?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Yeah, he’s very good at this. Great. Flying fish tiger goes first, and it rears back, it opens its mouth, and you hear what sounds like a recorded tyrannosaurus rex noise. It doesn’t sound like a monster yelling, it sounds like a monster making a recording of a yelling noise. It comes to just bite Tink’s head off. If you could roll me two yellows again against average again, but flip me a dark side point, would you? So that adds a green. Yeah~

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: You’re gonna take 7 damage, reduce by your Soak though.

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: It just takes a solid bite out of Tink, just right into the shoulder, and shakes it around like a dog that found a small, fuzzy toy, and just latches on. It’s not gonna let go.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not friendly!

NICK (as HK): Enthusiastic chuckle. Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire!

NICK: Its gun starts to spin up and it just starts shooting everywhere in the room. It’s blasting holes in the side of the walls and everything. Go ahead and roll me his attack. Two yellows and two greens, three purples, y’all are at long range right now.

MEL: How big is this room?

NICK: It’s very big.

CAMERON: Football stadium.

NICK: Yeah, and Tink walked a good ways out. That was that fail thing.

CAMERON: Is he aiming?

NICK: Not for suppressing fire.

CAMERON: [laughs] Well…

NICK: Not so much.

CAMERON: [sigh] I’m sure it’ll be fine. Oh no, it’s not fine. Two failures, one advantage.

NICK: The advantage will give whoever goes next a blue die on their attack, but Hank doesn’t suppressing fire the giant monster very well. Weirdly it doesn’t want to take cover. Go figure.

MEL: Huh.

NICK: Also, you get a sneaking suspicion that Hank is just really enjoying shooting up what they perceive to be an ancient tomb of the Jedi and just having a grand old time. It’s like if you gave somebody a paintball gun and put them in a room of breakables. He’s just having a blast. Up next is gonna be a PC slot.

HUDSON: I wanna get away from it. I have my vibro-axe. I turn it on. Is that enough?

NICK: I mean, you’re still gonna have to jab it or something.

HUDSON: Oh, okay, yeah. I turn on my vibro-axe and just jab upwards.

NICK: Okay. That sounds like a Melee attack, doesn’t it?

HUDSON: Yes, that does sound like a Melee. Four successes.

NICK: Oh geez. How much damage is that?

HUDSON: That’s Brawn +3, so 3+3 is 6 damage, and…

CAMERON: Plus 4.

NICK: Plus the four successes, so 10 damage.

HUDSON: Yeah.

MEL: Brutal.

NICK: That puts you through starship armor sometimes. That’s a lot. You, interestingly—

HUDSON: Kill it?

NICK: Not quite. Interestingly enough, appear to do as much damage as it did to you. You plant this axe blade up under its armpit and jam it in using one hand to leverage it, and a bunch of sparks and stuff go everywhere, and you get another canned t-rex noise scream like this is some sort of animatron for some sort of theme park ride. You are able to—Did you get an advantage?

CAMERON: No.

NICK: [smiling] You’re still stuck, so that’s a bummer. You hurt it real good, but it does not let go and you are still kind of pinned underneath it. It starts leaking some sort of hydraulic fluid everywhere.

CAMERON (as Karma): I am questioning the creative who was in charge of designing this fun theme park ride.

[techno music fades]

MEL (as Illith): Very strange indeed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Hmm.

MEL (as Illith): Choices were made.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna take her big gun out and shoot it, because I think it’s another PC slot next.

NICK: Yep, it’s just PC slots for days at this point.

CAMERON: I shoot it with my big gun, and I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Knock yourself out.

CAMERON: I just got three advantages.

NICK: What would you like those advantages to do?

CAMERON: Um… let’s see. I have three. I’ll use one to give whoever goes next a blue die, and then…

HUDSON: I can get up.

CAMERON: …with Hank’s crazy firing some of the ceiling falls and the animatron shifts slightly so that Tink can get up.

NICK: I will let Tink get out of being chewed on but not out of Melee range yet. Does that seem fair?

CAMERON: Oh, that’s fine. Yeah. Still in engaged, but no longer pinned.

NICK: Dramatically scramble away as the power-zord gets distracted.

HUDSON: Wuah~!

NICK: Great. Yeah, the monster is playing y’all for fools. Who’s up next?

MEL: Illith could do some stuff.

NICK: Cool.

MEL: Upon seeing the sparks shower, Illith decides to get a little bit closer.

NICK: That’s a maneuver. That works.

MEL: And quite possibly skirt this automaton as the case may be. How far can Illith get on a maneuver?

NICK: ‘Mechanically,’ if you use a maneuver and burn a strain you could get to medium range with this thing. That’s boring. I don’t wanna do this for six rounds. Are you trying to get to the stuff or are you just trying to flank it?

MEL: I don’t know that Illith has the skill to completely unlock those tubes of clothing, so I don’t know that the goal is to get to it but to get closer to it. I would like to pull a dope move where Illith runs out and does a cartwheel but over the top of this machine and puts their gun to the wound that was already made and fires a stun into the machine.

NICK: That’s super dope.

MEL: I’ll flip something if I have to.

NICK: Yeah, flip a point.

CAMERON: It happens!

MEL: It happens!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, that works. We’ll count that. I just need you to make a ranged attack, but it’s going to be easy because you’re now at close range because you’re doing a dope frontflip over this thing.

MEL: Whoop!

NICK: Also, for the cinematic range, may I suggest that while you’re {cartwheeling} you quickdraw, then shoot it, then put it back.

CAMERON: Yeah~!

MEL: [laughing] yes! I’ve got the quickdraw. Absolutely.

CAMERON: Two successes and an advantage.

NICK: Two successes… What’s a light blaster do? I never remember. Is it 5?

MEL: Five.

CAMERON: Uh, theirs is 6.

NICK: Ooh, I gave you the fancy one.

CAMERON: Because it’s a superior light blaster.

MEL: Muahaha.

NICK: So, that’s important. You have a very fancy custom blaster pistol.

MEL: Mm-hmm!

NICK: Describe Illith’s blaster pistol while I do math.

MEL: Illith’s blaster pistol on the side of the barrel has a pretty lady on one side and a hot guy on the other.

NICK: Nice.

MEL: Both laying in recline. It is a beautiful silver gun with an engraved handle that is wrapped in a very fine leather.

LAURA: Beautiful.

NICK: And you use it to blast into the vibro-axe cut which puts you at an interesting angle because it was kind of underneath, so you’re able to reach forward, shoot, and then land dramatically. I’m assuming you do the three-point anime land and skid.

MEL: Oh, yeah no. The cartwheel starts and then as they’re about to flip off that’s when they quickdraw, shoot from behind, because they’re able to get under the armpit from behind, put it back, and then yeah, like a Naruto skid behind it.

NICK: Nice. Damn, that’s cool.

MEL: [giggles]

NICK: You see the blaster shot ricochet around on the inside a little bit and one of the eyes flickers out on this thing. You have, um… It’s not happy. It’s not having a good day. It tries to do the canned tyrannosaurus rex roar thing at you, but there’s a spark that comes out of its mouth and you just get (meow).

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: We’re to another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna looks at all of this.

LAURA (as Xianna): I think they have this under control.

LAURA: And walks over to the box with the thong in it.

NICK: Okay. You can get to the box, because I’ve decided that this room is big for set piece purposes but not mechanically, because spending your whole turn doing movement is boring. So, you are there. What are you doing to the box?

LAURA: In the Skulduggery check I had done, did I see anything, pressure plates on the thing, am I gonna have to switch it out with an equally weighted bag or something?

NICK: Oh yeah, 100%. It appears as though there is some sort of pressure-activated something.

LAURA: Okay. During the move Xianna is gonna start taking things out of her pockets which appears to mostly be granola bars and bantha cakes that are the disposable items willing to get rid of in addition to some grenades I guess. Gonna start taking out the granola bars and doing the holding them in the hand and weighing them, like setting some aside and putting some in a different pile.

NICK: It’s exactly the scene from Indiana Jones, but in the background people are fighting this giant robotic monster and getting slapped around and screaming.

LAURA: She’s yelling over her shoulder.

LAURA (as Xianna): I believe in all of you. You absolutely have this one. Good job.

HUDSON: So we get a blue die?

CAMERON: We get Bardic Inspiration for that, right?

NICK: We’ll see.

LAURA: Bardic Inspiration for everyone! I don’t think thieves can give Bardic Inspiration, but…

NICK: Interestingly enough, that is one of the skills in the Charmer talent tree. They can do that.

MEL: Muahaha.

NICK: Great. Are you trying to make this thing happen?

LAURA: Yeah. Is that another Skulduggery?

NICK: Yeah, that would be Skulduggery. This one’s hard. Flip me a dark side point.

LAURA: One success, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to swap it out. You move so quickly you’re able to jam the granola bars into the places where the cape holds and they stick, like you had it just right. I’m gonna let your advantage be that you look up and you see a giant, very heavy and real-looking boulder suspended above this case as though if you had failed this check you would have been chased by a giant boulder across the arena.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: You see that. It does wiggle a little bit. There’s a moment where you think that this boulder is gonna come out of its boulder hole, but it doesn’t.

MEL: Boulder hole.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna stops and looks up at this boulder hole filled with a boulder.

LAURA (as Xianna): What… the fuck? What the fuck, Kettle? The fuck.

LAURA: Then also takes the IOU from her pocket and sticks it to the front of the case, but I’m assuming with a piece of chewing gum kind of style.

NICK: Yup. You got this cape and this thong. Do you throw the cape over a shoulder to keep track of it, or tuck it into  your coat?

LAURA: Oh, it goes into the pockets immediately.

NICK: Hmm. Interesting. Okay.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: It appears to be cloth.

LAURA: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

NICK: Yup. We are back up to the monster slot, and it decides to sprint at Xianna and ignore Tink, because Xianna went over to the thing it was guarding. I need you to roll me an attack, please, yup.

CAMERON: Two successes, one threat.

NICK: That does 8 damage to you as it just tackles you from behind and smashes you into a wall.

LAURA: [whining] I am so small. I only have seven toes and I am so small.

[laughter]

NICK: You take a solid hit. If one were to quantify how game for a fight you were you might say it was reduced by 50%. This monster is making slavering, scary, rabid monster noises but very canned and it is not {humid} at all because it’s an automaton. And we’re to a Hank slot. He just- Flip me another dark side point. Do I have any more?

CAMERON: You have two more.

NICK: Yeah. Hank is still shooting the walls. He’s just distracted. He’s just spinning in circles yelling.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire!

CAMERON (as Karma): [heavy sigh]

LAURA: Just in the background.

LAURA (as Xianna): Haaank!

CAMERON (as HK): I am helping.

NICK: I think at this point he is writing Hank in one of the walls in blaster bolts, like when you get bored playing Halo. He’s out of this. Up next is a PC slot.

MEL: Illith being somewhat closer than everyone else to Xianna right now calls out.

MEL (as Illith): Xianna, he’ll leave you alone if you pass it to me. I just want to keep you safe, dear.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Look, it went into a pocket. I have no idea which pocket it went into~!

MEL (as Illith): You can either throw it to me or throw me the entire jacket, but we have to get it away from you, dear. You’re looking quite bad.

LAURA (as Xianna): I can’t throw you the jacket!

NICK: I really want a contested Charm check on this one. You spent the trip bonding with Illith at this point. I think you’re kinda susceptible to this. Normally I’m not one for contested Charm rolls to make things happen, but this is Illith’s whole jam, so.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: And you are so small, and so injured.

LAURA: [whining] I am so small, and so hurt.

NICK: Also, you probably had a blue die, because to add to your persuasion there’s a giant robotic tiger fish attacking Xianna at this time.

MEL: Legit. Illith is also going to use Congenial, because they’ve done their best to be a friend thus far and proven helpful, took all of you guys despite not knowing you to this planet.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA: I mean, also you’re hot.

MEL: I mean… yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah.

MEL: So, they’re gonna suffer one strain to reduce that difficulty by one die.

NICK: Oh man. Oh man!

CAMERON: So it’s one purple. [laughs]

LAURA: Part of me was like “maybe you don’t have to roll, I’ll just give this to you,” but that’s a lot of dice and I wanna see what happens.

MEL: That’s a triumph.

CAMERON: So, one success, five advantages, and a triumph.

LAURA: What if Xianna just takes the whole coat off? [laughs]

NICK: Okay. I like where this is going, because you’re literally being talked out of your clothes.

MEL: MUAHAHA!

CAMERON: That sounds like a triumph!

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: That sounds like a triumph. It’s almost faster to just take the whole coat off, and that’s when you learn that it has the pull-apart buttons. “Has it always had that?” Tosses the coat. You see that Xianna’s completely naked.

[laughter]

MEL: [claps]

LAURA: All she has on now is her knee-high, black, snakeskin boots, and you can see on her very, very high upper thigh is the pin-up girl from the Afternoon Delight, and everyone can see that as Xianna moves that the pin-up girl’s legs are kicking up and down as she flexes.

MEL: Fuck.

[laughter]

NICK: Gonna be honest. Didn’t expect that result. I like that result. Didn’t expect that result. I think with that many freaking advantages and successes and triumphs that the monster, after it slams you into the wall, it’s not so much trying to kill you as get to the cape, so in the process of it trying to get at your coat, which is confusing and it’s not very smart, it is an animatron, it would normally recite part of the Oath of Presidential Office or something, like the Hall of Presidents, but you’re able to tear the coat off and throw it as it’s trying to scrabble at you, and we get the zoomed in shot of a well-manicured and shapely Chiss hand catching the coat out of the air. I guess now it’s another PC slot. And Xianna is very naked.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna rush over and shoot it.

NICK: Okay. Point blank, action hero style?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Are you going to do a baseball slide and shoot it underneath while sliding?

CAMERON: Yes, obviously.

NICK: Full auto.

CAMERON: Obviously. So, if I’m underneath it, what’s the difficulty?

NICK: We’ll say it’s short range, because it’s tall, so one.

CAMERON: Okay, so just one?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okay. I’m not gonna aim, because I ran.

NICK: Fourteen advantages.

CAMERON: Well yes, but also… three successes, five advantages. I’d like to crit.

NICK: The damage is enough to kill it. Do you want the crit to be that it dies super dramatically in some way? Do you wanna just describe how you overkill this thing?

CAMERON: Yeah. Karma action hero slides underneath it, shoots up into its stomach, the blast from the blaster – that’s a weird sentence – shooting up into its chest knocks it back so it’s rearing back on its hind legs, and then it just kind of freezes and electricity goes all over it for a second, and then it just falls over to the side.

NICK: Very Star Wars.

CAMERON: And crashes.

NICK: And the head rolls off and you hear (meow) and the lights go out.

HUDSON: I take my vibro-axe, go over,, cut the head in half just in case.

NICK: As you start to hit it, it looks like it’s gonna bite you and then it’s split in half. It’s just all gears. It’s surprisingly analog looking on the inside. We’ve got Karma, Tink and Xianna over by the wall. Xianna is naked and probably heavily bruised from running into a wall by a giant robot. What’s Illith up to?

MEL: She gone.

NICK: She gone?

[laughter]

MEL: Illith, the moment they got the jacket, I mean, as anyone would do, started backing away from this mechanical beast because they now have the object of desire. Illith has run towards the entrance and is probably half way up.

NICK: I mean, you could be completely gone. They just see your boots disappearing up the stairs.

MEL: A poof?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, a cloud slightly in the shape of Illith where Illith was standing a moment ago.

MEL: Yeah, like “fuck this monster.”

NICK: Illith is up the stairs and gone, and we get the shot of the crew of the Afternoon Delight all simultaneously looking to where Illith was and just seeing a boot disappearing up the spiral staircase. What does the Afternoon Delight crew do at this point?

LAURA (as Xianna): Do they have a ship here? Otherwise, where are they going?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, but they have all of your shit.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. Literally, they have everything I own for the most part. They have my coat…

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, go catch them! You’re so good at running.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire!

CAMERON (as Karma): Stop! HK, dear lord.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): They have my binders, and my grenades, and my gun, and the thong, and… shit! All of my drugs are in there! Fuck!

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Starts sprinting that way, full pace, booking it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, can you grab that other outfit? Thank you. [fading] Bye~

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Everything is booby-trapped!

CAMERON (as Karma): Watch out, there’s rocks in the ceiling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Everything’s rocks around here.

NICK: [smiling] And we cut to outside. Illith, you are standing in this open field, and inside of the fence perimeter from where you’re standing you can see the two guards looking up and just the slickest speeder is coming down from orbit. It’s like a two-seater fighter ship but tricked out for luxury, but still with weapons, just top-notch. There’s an Arcona pilot wearing sunglasses that also go partially up their V-shaped head.

MEL: Oh, they’re so cool.

[oohing]

LAURA: Ooh! It’s like, uh…

MEL: What’s that fucking show?

NICK: Gurren Lagann?

MEL: It’s Gurren Lagann sunglasses.

LAURA: Ohh!

NICK: But it actually follows the contours of their face so it looks really good.

MEL: It’s perfect.

NICK: They have a cape, obviously.

MEL: Obviously.

NICK: They land. They’re not wearing a shirt, but they do have really stylish bandoliers. They land, and the door pops up like a Lamborghini door.

NICK (as Arcona): Illith, looks like you could use a ride.

MEL (as Illith): Hello, love~

NICK (as Arcona): Good to see you. Did you get what you were looking for?

MEL: I want Illith to hold up the jacket, use their laser eyes to find what they’re looking for.

[laughter]

NICK: I think you’re surprised. You hold up the jacket, use your infra-vision, and can’t see through the jacket, like it’s shielded or something…

MEL (as Illith): Ugh.

NICK: …but then you are able to reach out, as though guided by some mysterious force of some kind, immediately are able to pull out the thong and the cape in one hand, and I guess drop the coat in a pool at your feet?

MEL: Yes. Illith also drops a small data pad that offers the coordinates to a pod that holds the extraordinarily bright outfit and a link to a bank account with 101,069 Credits.

NICK: Oh, my game balance.

LAURA: Yes!

[laughter]

NICK: Thank you, Mel.

MEL: Mm-hmm.

NICK: We’ll have to figure that one out. I’ll do that later.

NICK (as Arcona): You know, there was no need to do that.

NICK: You sit in and the door slams shut, and you just go straight up. This pilot is a hotshot.

MEL (as Illith): I’m a person of my word.

MEL: This Arcona is definitely one of Illith’s lovers. They just pop a little kiss on their cheek as the ship rockets into the sky.

NICK: Seeing an Arcona blush while flying a ship at like 18 Gs is an interesting color spectrum that I’ll let you picture yourself, and they’re gone in the Team Rocket star in the sky, just out of it. We get Xianna, followed reasonably close by Karma, running up to the puddle of your coat in the desert. Also, pretty warm, a lot of sun going on at this point. You are from a desert planet.

LAURA: If this is a hot, dry, desert planet it does not affect me. That’s literally one of my things, that I get to ignore hot, arid conditions or something because born on a desert planet.

NICK: Does Xianna have really interesting tan lines from her time on the beach in her designer bathing suit?

LAURA: I mean, do we think all alien species tan?

CAMERON: Do you tan a darker purple?

LAURA: Do I tan a darker purple?

NICK: I think, in my professional opinion of gaming within a canon, this is one of those gray areas where we can make a decision. [mouth click]

LAURA: I would say yes. She is a slightly darker purple, and it’s a very weird crisscross design because the suit was so strappy, and the moment she gets to the coat just starts flying through those pockets making sure everything she cares about is there.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. The two binders are here! Okay. My surveillance tagger is here. Okay. My gun! My gun, okay. I got one, two, okay nine… eleven, okay. All my drugs are here. I think I have everything.

LAURA: Turns around putting the coat back on.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay Karma. They did not take anything, besides the thong and whatever that cape was, but you know, um… actually that was important, wasn’t it?

CAMERON (as Karma): I did ask Tink to grab the other outfit that looked more official, so maybe if we just don’t say anything Sentinel will just go with that one and hopefully that’s the actual real one, and maybe it’s just missing a little bit of fabric that was used for the cape and the thong.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I’m still going to leave the IOU and maybe that will make Kettle not mad at us.

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems appropriate.

NICK: As Xianna is affixing her coat, we see in the background the two guards just staring wide-eyed at the situation. The taller one elbows the shorter one and they turn around and snap back to attention. We also hear a rumbling coming from the temple and we see Hank and Tink dive up the stairs as a big poof of dust comes out of the staircase that they were running up and you see a giant boulder that’s slammed into the wall.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna’s shaking her head in disappointment.

LAURA (as Xianna): I fucking warned them about the boulder.

CAMERON (as Karma): We told them about the boulder. We did all we could.

LAURA (as Xianna): Let’s go back to the ship.

CAMERON: Do they have the armor with them, though?

NICK: Yes, they have it.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: HK slaps his hands together like they’re wiping off dust.

NICK (as HK): I was surprised at the velocity from that boulder hole.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I ain’t never seen a boulder hole like that in my entire life.

NICK: [smiling] And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: [giggling into hands] Oh no.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and will make the squad do barrel rolls in our X-wings when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Illith Utena Hatake is played by Mel D’Amato. You can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @Cheerio_Buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.