Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Bonus Episode
Ghozt Hunterz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, Nick here, jumping in at the start of the episode to let you all know that, due to various and widespread personal things going on for the squad, we’re taking a couple of releases off from the main show to get caught up on life stuff. But not to worry, in place of our normal release we’re going to be presenting GHOZT HUNTERZ, our own little audio drama set in-universe. It’s a blast.

This is some content from Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, our Patreon feed. If you like what you hear and you haven’t tried it already, I recommend supporting us monthly through Patreon. At the $5 level you get access to a lot more content like this as well as movie and show reviews and supplementary stories to the main plot. It’s a ton of fun.

We’ll be back to normal releases after we get everything back in order. Now, please enjoy GHOZT HUNTERZ!

##

LILIT: They say that when the spirits of the recently deceased do not move on and merge with the Force that they become ghosts: malevolent spirits that haunt the living. Our goal is to find these ghosts and prove their existence.

HUDSON (as Chuck): I’m Chuck Vortex, former bounty hunter and ghost-catcher extraordinaire. I’mma wrap ‘em and sack ‘em.

CAMERON (as Myra): I’m Myra Flash, a graduate student at Coronet University, and I’m here to perform research for my thesis, ‘Use the Force Ghost: Learning from Our Ancestors.’

NICK (as Phillip): I’m Phillip Laser, galactic businessman and philanthropist, here to prove that ghosts aren’t real and help people to move on… for a profit.

LILIT: Today on Ghozt Hunterz… we investigate the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility, a now abandoned prison built into the mountainsides on the remote planet of Kajim.

It was originally a small fortified settlement built by the local population but was later seized and turned into an army outpost. A few years after that it became a high-security prison that would become famous for housing political prisoners and the sector’s most violent offenders. The prison was shut down after a massive riot that resulted in a handful of deaths and numerous disappearances.

We interview Wiald Textabo’ok for more information.

HUDSON (as Wiald ): [yawns] Yeah, well this particular settlement was founded 8,000 years ago. The original population had built a fortified wall around the city to protect against the now extinct hyperfauna. Built on an expansive catacombs and cave systems in the mountains, it was seized to be used by the Old Republic. The prison was around 150 acres with 10,000 prisoners. Over 100 prisoners have died on this site.

NICK (as Phillip): Um, Wiald … This, uh, 100 prisoners out of 10,000 at any given time, that actually sounds like a pretty good track record. Why do you think the place is haunted?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Ooh yes, you could say they were definitely giving each other… What is it the common folks do? …high fives all around at that type of track record. But, I would say that although it was only 100 listed there may have been more that were unreported as they have found one, to five, to ten mass graves after it was shut down.

CAMERON (as Myra): So you mentioned that there are a lot of cave systems under the mountain. Was that incorporated into the prison?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): So you know how I talked about the one to five to ten mass graves? They actually needed something to do with them, so they got together in a committee and on that day they decided to make a tourist attraction where you could go into the mountain and maze about the catacombs and see the dead bodies.

HUDSON (as Chuck): So uh, Wiald , tell us about the most notorious criminal at this prison.

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Well, um… you could say that possibly the most notorious criminal at this prison was Dapper Dan the Flaming Man. He was known as the Flaming Man because he had a bit of a bent toward pyrotechnics if you will. Before being taken to prison he worked as a pyrotechnics engineer at many major events and concerts, but then all things went bad after his wife left him. He started using his powers for evil and he was later arrested for grand arsony.

Inside the prison he was known as Flaming because he would literally light his arms on fire and wave them around, similar to a windmill, as he went to attack the guards. That ultimately led to his demise because you can only do that a certain number of times and get away with it.

NICK (as Phillip): Dr. Textabo’ok, what would you say their funding level was at towards the end of this building’s tenure as a prison? Were they well-funded or had the Empire abandoned them financially?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): So financial records of the prison are very scarce, mind you, but there are some recorded events of various fundraisers and other kinds of nontraditional funding routes they had to go to. You could say the Empire certainly abandoned them at one point. The lemonade sale did not go as planned as there was arsenic integrated into the lemonade that was being sold and many got ill.

I would also like to add that their GoFundMe made record lows and contributions… I did not even know that you could do record low contributions for a GoFundMe. If you look at their GoFundMe page, no one got refunded and their reward tiers were actually pretty awful if you look at it.

I would say that “Tour of the Prison…” the different tiers that people who contributed to the GoFundMe could attain were very abysmal such as the Make Your Own Prison Suit level. There was also a level where you could stay at the prison for a year which no one took up on. There was also a year’s supply of prison food. All of this, just terrible ideas. Historians look back and say altogether it was a terrible, terrible idea.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now Wiald , you need to be straight with me here. Now do you think this prison’s haunted?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Oh my. Well, um… As a historian I need to, um, not necessarily be in the, uh… I uh, don’t… I… It’s haunted! It just is, it’s just haunted, man! It’s just haunted. [shaken, sobs]

LILIT: Stories about the possible ghosts at the facility have circulated for years. Some say they are the spirits from the original settlement which supposedly buried their dead in the caves within the mountains. Others say they are the ghosts of prisoners who have died over the years. There are even those who claim the ghosts had a role in the riot that contributed to the facility’s closing.

Prisoners and guards alike reported strange activity in the week leading up to the terrible riot. Ominous noises, supplies going missing, and cold spots were all reported. Many claim to have seen the ghostly handprints of a child on cell doors and heard quiet laughter from within the walls.

Was a spirit trying to warn people of the impending calamity or was it trying to incite violence out of vengeance for its resting place being disturbed? We will now talk with a former janitor at the facility.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Yeah, well my name is Marpazine and I was the janitor at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility for 18 and a half years. I called it *KRIF* for short. Oh, you’re gonna have to bleep that, aren’t you? Or do you get to  not bleep it because it is just technically the hyphenation or abbreviation of the *K-R-I-F*?

{*intentionally poorly censored*}

NICK (as Phillip): We’re gonna have to bleep you spelling it, too.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Oh. What’s the rating on this show?

NICK (as Phillip): E-5. It actually is on a children’s network. So, how long did you work at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Eighteen and a half years. I was one day away from retirement when the riot happened. It was an unfortunate situation, and because of a weird legal loophole I did not receive my pension. I did steal many crates of toilet paper, though, so in a way I think I did break even.

NICK (as Phillip): And did you survive the riots?

LILIT (as Marpazine): I’m about 98% positive that I did. However, I saw that one movie, and sometimes ghosts don’t know they’re dead. They’re just walking around living their life. That could be me. Not sure yet. But uh, I eat a bowl of oatmeal every morning for breakfast and I don’t think ghosts can eat oatmeal.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You sound like a straight shooter there, Tex.

LILIT (as Marpazine): The name is Marpazine, not Tex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Marpazine, I apologize. Marpazine, tell it to me straight. What was these ghosts’ demeanors and what was their dietary restrictions? We’ll be bringing food to them to attract them.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Well, I would say most of the ghosts that I encountered were friendly in nature, especially the baby ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh.

LILIT (as Marpazine): The baby ghost mostly just liked to leave sticky handprints on walls and cell doors. I did occasionally find a few baby handprints with blood. It was indeed Human blood. I don’t think it had any connection to those guards that never showed up for work. I think it was just the baby ghost trying to communicate with me.

Not that I made this decision, but shortly before the handprints of blood showed up they did switch out the marmalade in the morning for breakfast from grapefruit to orange, and I think the ghost was just trying to show its displeasure of that situation.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, I see, I see.

LILIT (as Marpazine): As far as dietary restrictions… again, I think the ghost did not like the change in marmalade. I believe the ghost was alright with apple juice. That is actually how I learned the name of the baby ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): What’s the name? What’s the name?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Well you see, most people will just refer to it as “the baby ghost” on account of the very tiny, tiny little baby handprints it leaves. If you’ve seen photos of them, they are quite tiny and you will recognize them. That’s how we knew it was indeed a ghost as none of the prisoners at the time had hands small enough. Even some of the smaller prisoners like the Chadra-Fan didn’t have hands that small.

But you see, I know that the baby ghost’s real name is Franadoo, because one day I was cleaning up some spilled apple juice in the cafeteria and a wind came through and the apple juice leaked out everywhere and spelled it out. That’s how I learned its name.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Thank you much.

NICK (as Phillip): Can I get that name one more time?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Franadoo.

NICK (as Phillip): Oh yes, a classic naming… name.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Uh-huh. That’s why I think the baby ghost is a spirit from the original settlement that this prison was built upon. I think it is, while mostly a benevolent entity, I do think it holds some amount of resentment for its city being taken over and destroyed.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ah. With them babies, you know, what you can usually do is you get a little mobile. You put it above their little head and you spin it around, it does a little bit of a jingle-jangle song, and it just goes right to sleep. Have we tried that on the baby ghost?

LILIT (as Marpazine): I did not, however in the week leading up to the riot a lot of weird supplies went missing including things like keys, so you know, it’s possible that the baby ghost took those to build its own mobile.

CAMERON (as Myra): Have you had any interactions with maybe some of the other ghosts that are reported to be here that maybe are older ghosts? Meaning like the ghost’s age not like how long they’ve been a ghost. And like how they’ve interacted with the prison? I know that there were older ones.

LILIT (as Marpazine): So the majority of my interactions were with the baby ghost. Sometimes you’d just be swiping up vomit in a hallway and you’d hear some tiny little laughter coming out of a vent. You know, I think that was the ghost laughing at me. But, on occasion, I think I did interact with some of the adult ghosts.

There was one that would sometimes just come up to me and say hello, and I didn’t even know it was a ghost for quite some time until I later learned that the prisoner never existed. And that’s when I knew that I had convened with a spirit.

NICK (as Phillip): Where do you find, in your log career at the prison, where have you found the highest concentration of ghostly activity?

LILIT (as Marpazine): So I found the highest concentration of ghostly activity was around the library and in a lot of the hallways connecting the library and in quite just the general area of the southern cell block.

NICK (as Phillip): We’ve heard reports of numerous manifestations. Which are the most common? You mentioned small baby handprints. Did you feel cold spots? Were there objects moved unexpectedly?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Oh yeah, that stuff all happened, especially if I was in the library. Sometimes I would lean some cleaning equipment up against one of the walls or against one of the big vents and then I’d come back a few minutes later and it would have all been moved.

And occasionally, you’d be in a hallway, suddenly you would just get a blast of cold air. It was quite alarming at first, but based on the just miniscule little handprints you would see around I do think that it was meant to be playful in nature and not antagonistic.

LILIT: During the fateful riot, prisoners got ahold of Mandalore cocktails causing a fire that burned down much of the facility. Eight people died and numerous others went missing including the warden.

When interviewed later, some of the prisoners claimed a purple Twi’lek by the name of Xianna was the one who supplied the Mandalore cocktails. Our research did indeed find a criminal by that name. However, imperial records state that she had died nearly a year previously and the Kajim prisoner logs have no record of a purple Twi’lek during that time.

We now interview a former guard of the prison.

NICK (as HK): Hello. My designation is HK-67, but you can call me HK-67. I was a prison guard for several weeks at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility before the closing of the facility after the fateful riot.

CAMERON (as Myra): So you were only a guard for a few weeks prior to? How much ghostly activity did you experience during that time?

NICK (as HK): I did not experience any ghostly activity because ghosts do not exist. While the Force does work in mysterious ways it is mostly focused through the blood of organics and I did not see very much blood of organics that would manifest itself as ghosts or spirits.

CAMERON (as Myra): Um… what about the bloody baby handprints?

NICK (as HK): Excuse me, I must have misheard. Are you referencing particular handprints and their relative size?

CAMERON (as Myra): Yes. The janitor and our researchers said that there’s a baby ghost and it left bloody handprints around the prison. Did you not… Did that not happen while you were there?

NICK (as HK): Xianna! I can hear you laughing from backstage, Xianna.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Whoa! Whoa, is there a ghost? I’m feeling a reading. I’m feeling a reading, y’all. You just referenced one of the ghosts, Xianna, the one who doesn’t exist. [stammers] They don’t have record of them being here, but they’re here, you’re saying it.

NICK (as HK): I now have a better understanding of this interaction. Allow me to start over. Yes, I was terrified. I only worked there a short time but saw many manifestations. I especially heard sounds that could only be generated by a spirit, sounds that went like woo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo… woo-woo.

NICK (as Phillip): Guard HK-67, what did you find that convinced you that there were spirits in this facility?

NICK (as HK): Oh yes, there were numerous disappearances and a spectral purple Twi’lek who got up to all kinds of mischief especially in the library and the southern cell block. That Twi’lek was obviously a ghost and surprisingly good at volleyball.

CAMERON (as Myra): So, I think if… if the ghost was interacting with objects, I believe it’s a poltergeist.

NICK (as HK): You are correct. It is either a poltergeist or a phantasm.

CAMERON (as Myra): Okay. Yes.

NICK (as HK): In fact, that purple ghost, which in no way resembles a living being, is probably responsible for the brutal murder and disappearance of several of the guards before the riots. You should see how big that ghost’s hands are. They are so small. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha… ha-ha-ha-ha.

HUDSON (as Chuck): So you’re saying there was some disappearances from the guards. Now that’s very fishy. How do you link that up with the ghost doing it, though? Wouldn’t a normal ghost just fly right through them if they tried to stab them with a ghost knife?

NICK (as HK): Unfortunately, I am not a ghostologist. I do not know the various definitions of ghosts and their capabilities. However, I would say that these guards were particularly susceptible to being beaten with their own stun rifles until they died… I would guess, from happenstance. But there were numerous handprints, large intimidating handprints all around the scenes that would indicate some sort of large and dangerous being committed these crimes.

Who told you that the ghost was a baby? Who told you that the handprints were tiny? Tell me immediately. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

CAMERON (as Myra): Uh, well so, Wookieepedia says—

NICK (as HK): Who edited Wookieepedia? Have you interviewed anyone else? Please give me their names and addresses.

CAMERON (as Myra): It looks like it was updated by StarDestroyer1?

NICK (as HK): Son of a *kriff.*

CAMERON (as Myra): [nervously] Oh, we’re gonna have to bleep that.

NICK (as HK): Tink… I can see you backstage, Tink. Tink, why did you bring me here? This is humiliating.

CAMERON (as Myra): Something may be wrong with this droid. It keeps talking to people who aren’t here. Either that or this room is really haunted.

LILIT: The Ghozt Hunterz will now spend the night in the remains of the prison hoping to interact with the spirits that live there and find out more.

NICK (as Phillip): Well, my first plan is to go to the basement of the prison, through the catacombs, and attempt to make contact with the, air quotes, “spirit.” Obviously, if you can’t find anything in the most haunted-suggested part of the prison that will help us to disprove this haunting from the beginning. I’ll be bringing this large flashlight with very low batteries and several black and white night vision cameras to catch any motion.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Phil! Phil! Hey Phil. Yo, Phil.

NICK (as Phillip): Yeah, what’s up?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now I saw you got some equipment right there, but do you have and/or need The Vortex?

NICK (as Phillip): I thought we already agreed that you’re going to be using The Vortex up in the cells.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No-no-no, it needs multiple people around it to get a, you know, really get the energy of the room. It needs all the cameras on it, too.

NICK (as Phillip): I guess you could come with me to the tunnels if you want, but—

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now for those viewers who don’t understand what The Vortex is, it is a state of the art piece of equipment I built myself. It is similar to an industrial size vacuum cleaner however it’s been modified to catch ghost.

NICK (as Phillip): Tell the audience how exactly the modifications work.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Well, the modifications work as such. I put in a ghost-finding crystal on the inside of the vacuum. It’s pretty high-tech stuff. It’s really hard to—I don’t have enough time really to sit here and explain it to everybody. So yeah, it usually tells me, it usually glows when we’re near a ghost. I mean, it glows when we’re not near a ghost too, but it’s a different kind of glow. You gotta use it for a while to kind of get the feel of it, you know? … So looks like I’ll be going with you, Phil.

NICK (as Phillip): Sounds good. You know what really makes sense is to go off as a group and leave one of us alone, at night, in this large facility.

CAMERON (as Myra): I think that makes total sense.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ah, so you’re volunteering. Great work!

CAMERON (as Myra): Well my plan was to go to the library because that’s where the janitor said that there was the most activity, so…

HUDSON (as Chuck): You look like you wanna go to the library, nerd. Ha!

CAMERON (as Myra): I mean, I may as well see what they’ve got while I’m here.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Study up, I guess.

NICK (as Phillip): Don’t forget to bring this spirit box. If the ghost activity is high, it will say words that are relevant to the investigation.

CAMERON (as Myra): Yep. Got that, got my glow rod where I’ve loosened the back almost all the way so that just the barest, like, the smallest tap will turn this light on so I can communicate with the ghosts, and I’ve got my audio recorder, and I’ve got all of my cameras, so I think we’re good.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, you’re not good.

CAMERON (as Myra): We’re not good.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You’re missing a vital piece of equipment. That’s just a vital piece of equipment.

CAMERON (as Myra): I thought you were taking The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No-no-no, I am taking The Vortex. That’s not the—I mean, okay, that is a vital piece of equipment. I’m talking about another vital piece of equipment.

Alright, this is the Dual UV Flashlight of Awesomeness. What I did was I took two regular flashlights and two UV flashlights and I formed them in a cross and I put some tape around them in the middle so that you can both use it as a weapon and, with just a flick of the wrist, go from regular flashlight to UV flashlight in two different directions. It’s called omnidirectional. It’s kind of advanced science stuff, you know.

NICK (as Phillip): [chuckling] But did you attach a crystal to it?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Listen. Sounds like you might be making fun of me there, Tex, but no, I did not attach a crystal to this. It does not require a crystal, it just requires some batteries that are very well-charged as long as, uh… I didn’t leave it on last night. It should be pretty charged.

LILIT: We now join Myra in the library.

CAMERON (as Myra): Alright, so I’ve got all of my cameras set up and I’ve got the lights turned off, so… Um, hello! My name is Myra. Um… I just, I’m here if you’d like to talk. I’m just gonna sit over here on this table. I brought this glow rod with me. It’s… You can just tap the back of it and it’ll light up. If you have anything you’d like to communicate, it’s there. And… I’m listening, alright? I am turning on the spirit box.

[static distortion begins]

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh my gosh!

LILIT (as spirit box): [clipped speech]

CAMERON (as Myra): Hello?!

LILIT (as spirit box): [still incomprehensible, more cutting through the static]

CAMERON (as Myra): Is someone here with me?

LILIT (as spirit box): Arby’s. … We got the meat.

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh my gosh. Hopefully I’m picking all of this up on audio.

[spirit box static ends]

LILIT: It was at this moment that Myra’s flashlight rolled off of the table and turned off.

[a thud and a tumble]

CAMERON (as Myra): [gasps] Oh my gosh… Did you turn that off? If you turned that off, flash the flashlight twice, and if you didn’t turn it off, flash the flashlight once.

LILIT: Myra’s flashlight then flashed three times.

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, um… So, was that… Is that a yes to the first question of if you made it light up the first—or go out the first time? Or… is it a no, that wasn’t you, but now you can communicate?

LILIT: When we played back our footage and slowed it down you can see in the bottom of the screen a brief flicker. We believe this was the ghost clarifying Myra’s question. We now join Phil and Chuck in the catacombs.

HUDSON (as Chuck): It’s musty down here.

NICK (as Phillip): It’s a catacombs, Chuck.

HUDSON (as Chuck): If I was a ghost I wouldn’t want to be around here. Why are we looking here?

NICK (as Phillip): Well, everyone knows a ghost doesn’t have any sense of smell. Help me set up these cameras.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): There, that was easy. Now we wait. … Hello. We want to communicate with you.

NICK: Phil rolls his eyes.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright now, I’m gonna warm this thing up. Okay?

HUDSON: I turn on the vacuum and it makes a huge noise.

[vacuum sounds almost overpower the speech]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright. How, uh… How—Can you hear me? Hey, Phil, can you hear me?

NICK (as Phillip): What?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): [stammers] Can you hear me over The Vortex?

NICK (as Phillip): It’s nice of you to ask, but I’m not interested in having sex right now.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No! No Phil, no. No Phil… I—

NICK (as Phillip): [indignant] Why not?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, I—I…

HUDSON: I turn off The Vortex.

[laughter, vacuum sounds end]

HUDSON (as Chuck): No. What the hell, Phil? I was talking about could you hear me over The Vortex.

NICK (as Phillip): What? I couldn’t hear you… Yeah, I couldn’t hear you over The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Okay, I thought—

NICK (as Phillip): Why? What did you hear?

HUDSON (as Chuck): I… [stammers] I heard a very unwanted advance is what I heard.

NICK (as Phillip): [chuckles nervously] Ah, that’s funny. [forced seriousness] Maybe it was the ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh…

[a cloud of bats whooshes by]

NICK (as Phillip): Ah!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Whoa, ah! Whoa, what was that?

NICK (as Phillip): Oh, I think those were bats.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, no-no, I mean it could be bats or it could be the ghost of bats. We weren’t close enough to tell.

NICK (as Phillip): Well you turned The Vortex off. How is it supposed to protect us from the ghost bats?

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, okay, here’s a common misconception. The Vortex doesn’t protect, it captures. It wraps ‘em and sacks ‘em, if you will, once it gets inside The Vortex.

NICK (as Phillip): That is what your tattoo says.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Yeah, wrap ‘em and sack ‘em. It’s what my tattoo does say. I am very, very proud of it. I actually am in the process of trademarking that phrase right there, so…

LILIT: It is at this moment that Phillip’s flashlight also turns off.

NICK (as Phillip): Ah! Who could have predicted this would happen?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Bro, bro, bro… Bro, are you feeling cold right now? I’m feeling so cold.

NICK (as Phillip): I think I could see my breath if I could see at all, but it’s so dark down here.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Bro! Bro! It’s just so cold right now. I feel like I’m in Hoth, just in the snow, just doing like snow angels and I’m drinking a slushy and I’m getting bombarded with just icy icepacks. That’s how cold I feel, man.

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa, did you feel that?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah, yeah, definitely. Hey camera guy, did you get that? Camera guy, did you get this?

NICK (as Phillip): I thought I felt a hand on my shoulder. Was that you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… who’s to know?

LILIT: The crew’s temperature reading showed that the caves were 11 degrees Celsius when they first entered. At this time the temperature reading is showing 10 Celsius.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Wow… Wow, look at that drop. Man, we got real data behind this now. We’re gonna bring this back and everyone will believe me—I mean, believe us.

NICK (as Phillip): Are you there?! … Will you communicate with us? Will you leave us alone?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Where are you?

[eerie winds and faint ghastly wails]

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ooh, oh!

NICK (as Phillip): Did you hear that?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh man, was that—Are you the baby ghost? Do I need to bring you applesauce? What do you desire, baby ghost?

[the winds whistle]

NICK (as Phillip): This is getting too real. I signed up for this just to be on the Holonet and this is… We gotta get out of here. I’m freaking out!

HUDSON (as Chuck): This is what I live for, baby!

NICK (as Phillip): Turn The Vortex back on! It’s gotta catch it. Rack ‘em and sack ‘em the ghost!

HUDSON: I turn The Vortex on.

[vacuum sounds return]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): Do you wanna have sex later?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): What? What was that? What did you say?!

NICK (as Phillip): Do you want to have sex later?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Better not be asking me if I wanna have sex.

NICK (as Phillip): … What?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Did you—

HUDSON: I turn off The Vortex.

[vacuum sounds end]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Did you ask me if I wanted to have sex later?

NICK (as Phillip): No, I asked is that The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): Look, if you want to… I felt this too. If you wanna do something just say something.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Um, yeah, I felt the cold in the room. That’s what I felt. You felt the cold in the room?

NICK (as Phillip): Yeah, I definitely felt some… electricity.

HUDSON (as Chuck): I don’t think there’s any power down here in the catacombs.

NICK (as Phillip): What’s the EMF reader say?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah. Let me get that. Ooh, it’s off the charts! [whispering] I don’t know. How do you read one of these? Hey…?

NICK (as Phillip): Uh, is it beeping?

[“EMF reader” beeps several times, getting more frequent]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, it’s beeping. That’s a good sign here. Aw man, oh, just that baby ghost sniffing out to get in The Vortex, just sniffing around, crawling on its hands and feetsies. … Alright, this could be ghosts. It could also be, uh… some off-hand cell signals, but it’s probably a ghost.

NICK (as Phillip): I think I’ve got the flashlight working again. Quick, help me look for any small handprints.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Wait. Is that a handprint?

NICK (as Phillip): Oh, that looks like a handprint!

LILIT: The crew was able to take photos of a wall in the catacombs. There are indents in the wall that are “possibly” baby hands.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh… I mean, it’s either baby hands or a rat who smooshed its paw in the wall. But still, it’s probably a ghost.

LILIT: We brought these photos to experts for them to analyze and the results were inconclusive.

NICK (as expert): It’s a rat. I mean, it’s inconclusive.

NICK (as Phillip): Look! Look! If you hold the flashlight up against the wall, like this, against these bumps here, it makes a shadow that kind of looks like a baby’s handprint.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Hey look at this, I can make an eagle. Hey look at this, I can make a little kangaroo.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Hey look at this, I can make a little elephant. Ha! Look at this.

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa~! It’s like a ghost of various animals.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, no, that’s just my hands, buddy.

NICK (as Phillip): Oh… okay. We gotta get out of here. This is freaking me out.

LILIT: The crew has survived the night in the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. We join them in the morning now that they have all met up with each other.

NICK (as Phillip): Myra, it’s good to see that you made it.

CAMERON (as Myra): Yeah. I didn’t feel any malicious presence in the library.

NICK (as Phillip): [relieved] Oh…

CAMERON (as Myra): It was very welcoming.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh.

NICK (as Phillip): We felt some malicious presence alright. Tell her, Chuck.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah. We got some cold temperatures. We got some winds going around. It was basically all up in our face. It was almost too much. I think The Vortex couldn’t handle it, almost, but it can because it’s a great tool, but almost, almost couldn’t handle it.

NICK (as Phillip): We heard banging in the distance and, we’ll have to review the audio, but I could have sworn I heard “get out~”

HUDSON (as Chuck): I, uh… you know, our EMF reader was just going off the charts. Like I said, just wind smack you right in the face, just kick you off your feet. You just felt a presence, you know? Like something beyond this world.

NICK (as Phillip): A real connection.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now, I would say that there is a connection, you know, between the other side and this world, but that’s about the only connection I felt down there.

NICK (as Phillip): [disappointed] Oh… well, I can take a hint. Just like these ghosts could take a hint and left so many interesting evidential pieces behind, like these pictures of baby hands that we took. I can’t wait to get them developed and enhanced.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Myra, what about you?

CAMERON (as Myra): So, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t encounter the baby ghost, but I definitely—based on what I was hearing from the spirit box—I feel like I was interacting with the ghost of a teenage boy.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, like about how old?

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, um… hard to say really. There’s really a wide range in there where it would have applied.

There was one moment when I did get very cold, but then I realized that the air conditioner was still running, so I think it was that. It had just come on. I did notice that there was a slight increase in the base room noise when that happened, so I don’t think that one was supernatural. We will have to review the footage to make sure that they lined up exactly, but I’m pretty sure that one was mundane.

NICK (as Phillip): We’ll have to wait until we hear back from the lab when they analyze the footage.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Phil, you’re sounding less and less like a skeptic to me. After this experience, what do you have to say?

NICK (as Phillip): I definitely felt a spirit down there and it was coming for us and I’m just glad we got out when we did. I, um… I’m definitely a believer now. Um… I think I may stay in the production van at the next site, just help with the footage.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now, I don’t know if all of y’all know this, and I did get permission from the producer’s before going through with this, so just hey producers, cut this in here… Alright. I have made a dedication song to the baby ghost that I am releasing on my Bandcamp, SoundCloud, iTunes, Spotify, wherever you get your music except on physical CD. So, here is my tribute to the baby ghost.

“FaracknadI wanna see you~”

That’s all you’re gonna get. You gotta buy the whole song, sorry about that, but it’s a killer song.

NICK (as Phillip): Why didn’t you sing that when we were in the presence of the baby ghost?

HUDSON (as Chuck): I mean…

CAMERON (as Myra): You know, sometimes it takes time to really let the inspiration sink in and have that creativity flow.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You know, the baby ghost would have just been too flattered. It would have been shy and just kinda ran away. I wanted it to come to us. It’s a dedication song, it doesn’t need to be to the dedicator.

NICK (as Phillip): Have you investigated the special vortex ghost-catching apparatus, or as it would be called on a more normal device, the bag vacuum to see if there’s any ghosts stuck in the bag?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Well, the crystal was rattling and rattling around in there. It might have just not been set properly before. I didn’t catch any ghosts this time, but you know, it has its good days and has its bad days.

NICK (as Phillip): So final thoughts? Having felt the presence of a murderous child spirit, Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility is haunted. What do y’all think?

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, it’s 100% haunted.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You know, first I was convinced it was haunted, and I’m still convinced it was haunted. It’s haunted, y’all.

LILIT: No matter your thoughts on whether the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility is indeed haunted the rumors will certainly continue to speculate for many years. Join us next time on Ghozt Hunterz.