Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 31:
Smooth Criminals

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First of all, we have a new iTunes review! alchimage2, thank you for taking the time to review our show and thank you for your kind words.

We also have some new Patrons this week. Elaine and Steve, thank you for your extremely generous donation, and thank you for buying me dinner this weekend. Elaine and Steve are my parents, and they’re just fantastic people. Thank you for supporting this thing that we love. With their generous donation we’ve hit our next Patreon goal. We can now actually cover the overhead for our podcast, paying for the hosting fees, transcription costs, and other expenses. We are geared up and ready for our celebratory, super niiice, pizza party. We’ll be streaming it on Twitch on Sunday the 28^th at 7 PM Central Time. Stop on by and celebrate with us as we eat pizza and play games. There may even be a surprise culinary creation by our very own Laura. There will be links on the website and all of our social media. Our next goal is within reach and would unlock a lot of new content. When we reach $150 we’ll create the Hot Tub Hangout tier for Patreon, allowing for some private streams with us playing games, Q&As, a special Discord channel, and movie nights with the squad. An extremely heartfelt thank you to all of our Patreon backers. We’re honored by your support.

Additional music this week is Hard Fight by manuel senfft, and Bottoms Up by Morphamish.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello, and welcome to Episode 31 of Tabletop Squadron! I’m your host and game master, Nick. We’re back again! … Good for us.

LAURA: Listening to some smooooth jazz. Up next—

CAMERON: Uh, it’s jizz, actually.

LAURA: Listening to some smooooth jizz.

NICK: (groans) I don’t wanna talk about the texture of the jizz. Let’s go around the table and everybody—

CAMERON: So smooth. (laughs)

NICK: Uck.

LAURA: Up next, we’re gonna take some listener calls~

NICK: (chuckles) No thanks. I don’t- We’ll just tweet at them. Tweet at us if you want to do listener calls for smooth jizz.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Go around the table, everybody say who you are, who you’re playing, starting with Hudson!

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. Up next we have our special guest today, Austin! Hello Austin.

AUSTIN: Hi! I’m Austin. I’m playing Valorissia Creed, the Human technician.

NICK: Oh boy. Up after that we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Everything’s gonna go great. It’s gonna be fine. Nothing’s gonna go wrong.

NICK: Sounds good, and I definitely believe that. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello listeners. I’m Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: My first thought, I don’t know why, but I was like, hello, I’m Cameron, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I will be playing- (laughs)

CAMERON: Hello~ I’m Cameron, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and today I will be playing the part of Nick, the GM.

NICK: Before we go to the summary, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: Two dark side.

AUSTIN: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: One dark side. Oopsies.

CAMERON: It’s okay. You didn’t fuck up as much as me~

NICK: Great. It will be fine.

AUSTIN: You have a big pool today.

CAMERON: Four light side, three dark side is our start.

NICK: Great. We’re gonna give one more try with this test pilot of everyone else giving a summary of what happened last episode. Take it away, everyone but me.

AUSTIN: We did a lot of planning.

LAURA: Yeah. There’s a lot of planning, a lot of notes.

CAMERON: Things that we know about that are security things we shall have to overcome during this heist: two victory class star destroyers, the Hammer and Sickle, which we have bypassed already; the atmo in the hallways is only there when the people are in them; and you can’t communicate with anyone outside of the facility from inside the facility. The path to the vault is as follows: cage, eye scanner, cameras watching, elevator, pressure-sensitive hallway, combo lock on vault. There is a piece of technology of indeterminate size located in the vault that Val wants, and we shall retrieve.

LAURA: And we ran into Mills.

CAMERON: Oh yeah! We found Mills!

LAURA: And he is unconscious in our little hidey hole, and Val was able to get into the computer room and get Tink into the computer room. It went great.

AUSTIN: No problem.

LAURA: No problems at all.

NICK: Mechanical hacking.

LAURA: And now Tink can do all the fun hacking.

NICK: Great. We’ll pick it up there. We’ll start with Tink. The rest of the crew is situated with Mills ready for the go-ahead, and Tink is in the security room, just attempted to crack his knuckles, and…

CAMERON: Hurt himself. (laughs)

NICK: …hurt himself a little bit, and what are you doing?

HUDSON: I look up at the screen. “This is a Unix system. I know this.”

(laughter)

NICK: Gah. What are you doing? What are you trying to bypass? What are you trying to do for the crew?

HUDSON: So, the first thing I try to do is make sure the cameras are disabled.

NICK: Okay. You’re disabling all the cameras in the whole place.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okie-dokie. That will be a slicing check. Are you just plugging into one of the terminals nearby? Are you trying to find the main node? Are you going in through the wiring? How are you going in?

HUDSON: Oh. I try to login through the main computer.

NICK: Okay. The bigger computer. You press some light up buttons, because it’s Star Wars.

HUDSON: I’m using my thing, my outlaw tech data breaker.

NICK: You’re gonna have two black dice because the way the security system is setup it specifically looks for an outlaw tech data breaker.

HUDSON: I get to remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable a security device or open a locked door.

NICK: Well there you go.

AUSTIN: How convenient.

HUDSON: So that’s one black die.

NICK: Yeah. This is gonna be hard, so three purple.

LAURA: Oh, well fuck you. (laughs)

HUDSON: Oh god. I have one advantage.

NICK: So, the system is really kicking your ass here.

HUDSON: However, I can reroll that Computers check.

NICK: Do you want to spend that now?

AUSTIN: Is that a once per session?

HUDSON: Yeah, it’s once per session, because I have the skill Natural Programmer.

CAMERON: And the advantage is they don’t notice.

NICK: Do you have to flip destiny points or anything to do that, or just once per session?

HUDSON: Nope, just once per session.

NICK: That is, uh, incredibly handy.

LAURA: I have a similar thing. I have Natural Rogue, so I can do the same thing with Skulduggery or Stealth.

NICK: I have Natural GM.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: I can reroll a GM check once per day.

CAMERON: So sometimes he just doesn’t have to roll and can just say what happens. (smiling)

HUDSON: I got five successes.

NICK: Yeah. All the cameras are off, and you do it in such a way that nobody is suspicious of the fact the cameras are off.

LAURA: Well, he could loop them or something.

NICK: Yeah, but even the loop tells them nothing. Security cameras are scratched off the list. They are no longer a concern, and you are very into the system.

HUDSON: I go, “get wrecked.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “I’m assuming that means the cameras are off?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. Val, you and I go to the cage now. Karma and Hank, you shoot people. Yes.”

NICK: “Obvious Statement: That’s an obvious statement.”

LAURA: “Yes, I know, I’m just making sure… Okay. You had some sort of override. I don’t know.”

AUSTIN: “We don’t need to shoot anyone yet. We still haven’t been compromised.”

LAURA: “Yeah. We haven’t been caught.”

AUSTIN: “We did such a good job at taking down those cameras, and you know, we got this dude over here that hit the ceiling.”

NICK: “Hopeful Statement: He looks like a threat. Would you like me to put him down?” And his gun, the barrels start to spin, (ascending whoosh).

CAMERON: “Not yet. Let’s keep the loud blaster fire to a minimum as to not attract. You can shoot people later.”

NICK: (descending whoosh)

HUDSON: I go back and meet Karma.

LAURA: “Tink, can you see what the cameras see? Can you still see what they’re seeing even though it’s not in the system anymore?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. What we are going to do is I’m going to go to the cage, Val is going to go put more explosives in places, and then once I get through the cage we meet back up. Okay? You need to tell us if there are going to be people, okay? You understand?”

HUDSON: “Okay. Yes, I’m on the lookout.”

LAURA: And then Xianna starts going to where the cage is.

NICK: You’re staying in the security room then?

HUDSON: Yeah. I’m actually on the lookout now.

CAMERON: Karma flips her blaster to kill.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: Because we’re in an Imperial base, so fuck ‘em.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: There was an orchestral swell as you did.

CAMERON: And it did a close-up on it, and she goes (click-swish).

NICK: Cool. Alright, you’re heading straight for the vault then?

LAURA: Yeah, because we have to get through a cage to get into the thing.

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: Xianna was gonna start working on that while Val places a few more explosives in the building.

NICK: We’ll just assume, as you’re going through here, because there’s some more stuff here probably, you’re just slapping them on the walls, putting them under trash cans, just wherever.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Am I using a remote detonator or am I trailing my det-tape behind me as we go? (laughs)

NICK: I was assuming a remote detonator, but if you want to run det-tape to everything that’s an option.

CAMERON: I would say we probably sent HK with Xianna, since she’s a secondary user, so that she has fire support and Karma goes with Val, so if they encounter anyone who needs to get shot on the way to their destinations… we split up and go down the different hallways.

NICK: Okay. You’re snaking in and out, meeting around, and just kind of wreaking havoc as you go.

AUSTIN: Armed escorts.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: And Tink is overseeing the whole thing from the security room.

HUDSON: Yup.

NICK: You got enough successes on that, you’re in the system, you can do shit. You may find some deeper levels of security, you’ll have to hack again, but you can see a lot of what’s going on. So, you’re continuing down these hallways. You come to… Laura, I have a question for you.

LAURA: Yes?

NICK: What is the craziest security feature that Xianna has ever broken through?

LAURA: Ooh. Um… I mean, just thinking of things that they always have on these heist shows, there’s motion sensors and pressure sensors and heat detectors, all other sorts of detectors, and crazy laser grids. I mean, the weirdest security systems are always like those vibration sensors so if you move around it senses it.

NICK: We could go with that. As you’re heading down these hallways you notice that the cameras just stop, there’s a section that does not have them, and that’s suspicious. You see—Well, roll me a Skulduggery check, I guess.

LAURA: Can do!

AUSTIN: Where did we leave Mills?

NICK: I don’t know. Where did you leave Mills?

AUSTIN: Are we dragging him? Is he like over HK’s shoulder?

LAURA: I thought we brought him to the vent.

CAMERON: Nah, he’s back in that hallway handcuffed and unconscious. We probably handcuffed him to a pipe or something, removed his radio, things like that so that he can’t make contact.

AUSTIN: As a trained bounty hunter.

CAMERON: Duct taped his mouth shut.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

LAURA: What would be the—

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: –the hard? Okay. Do I get any sort of boost dice because I looked at plans?

NICK: Not on this one. There’s a lot of stuff not on the plans.

AUSTIN: Weird.

NICK: Turns out, they either had crappy contractors or were very secure, one or the other.

AUSTIN: It could also be that because Kuat is a company, so the company built it, and then the Imperials came in and said nah, you kind of need all of these things.

LAURA: I rolled a triumph with its success cancelled out, three failures, and four advantages.

NICK: Okay. (laughs) So, huh…

LAURA: Yeah…

NICK: So, you fail to see these tremor sensors, but you have a triumph and a bunch of advantages.

CAMERON: It was a good Cam roll.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Can it be that it does set off an alarm, but Tink is like immediately able to cancel it so it only goes off for half a little claxon, so maybe someone might be alerted but most people are just like oh, okay, never mind.

NICK: Yeah, so we’ll cut over to Tink in the security room. What are you doing, just watching them?

HUDSON: Yeah. I found some Twinkies.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: But not in that hallway, because he’s about to run out of cameras.

CAMERON: Tink has Twinkies!

HUDSON: It’s a server room, they’re gonna have snacks.

NICK: There’s all these camera displays and you saw the group walk off of the displays and there weren’t anymore, they just like vanished off the screens, but then you notice a screen that’s stuck in-set in a panel that has a wire diagram of a hallway, and you start to see dots appear on it, and the alarm goes (“WOMP”), and you go ‘oh, this is a tremor sensor,’ and you have a chance to try and hack it to turn it off. It’s gonna be a hard slicing check.

LAURA: Can I use my many advantages to give him blue dice?

NICK: Yep.

HUDSON: How many?

NICK: How many did you have, four?

LAURA: Yeah, I had like four advantages or something.

NICK: So that’s two blue dice, but you do still have two black dice, but one removed, so one black die for just the internal security here.

HUDSON: Plus two blue dice.

LAURA: And then for using your computer thing.

NICK: Yeah. You’re probably gonna be fine. It’s like someone’s good at hacking.

CAMERON: Weird!

AUSTIN: (smiling) And has an outlaw tech data breaker.

CAMERON: Look at us.

HUDSON: This might be the most dice I’ve ever rolled.

NICK & LAURA: That’s a lot.

NICK: May the Star Wars gods save me from competent characters.

LAURA: Oh, fuck…

HUDSON: I have two triumphs with the successes cancelled out and a threat.

CAMERON: Oh no.

LAURA: Yep.

NICK: Huh!

CAMERON: (giggles nervously)

LAURA: Great.

AUSTIN: Boy.

HUDSON: Now, when making a Computers check I can spend a triumph to make further Computers checks within the system as maneuvers.

NICK: Okay. yeah, you can spend one of those triumphs to…

AUSTIN: Does that apply outside of combat?

NICK: It doesn’t say, so what we’ll say is technically you can use that to try to save this. The thing cycles up and gets through a full (power noise), and you’re like ‘oh no-no-no’ and you’re able to try again. That other triumph, be thinking about what you want to use that on.

HUDSON: So I just reroll this entire thing that I just had?

NICK: You’re missing two of those blue dice because you already spent those, but besides that, yes.

AUSTIN: I look at Karma and start looking excited.

CAMERON: (laughs) Our hallway, we’re like ‘oh fuck, they did something.’

HUDSON: I got a wash.

(laughter)

NICK: And we’re live, ladies and gentlemen!

HUDSON: What do I do with my triumph though?

CAMERON: Weren’t you just saying that we were good at things?

NICK: He is good at things!

AUSTIN: Turns out Nick made his prayer to the Star Wars gods, and he said we’re done sneaking.

HUDSON: So what I wanted to do with that was send out a coms, but like text coms or pager, of an alarm malfunction.

CAMERON: (laughs) Send out an email to all personnel.

HUDSON: To all personnel!

LAURA: Alarm malfunction, ignore.

CAMERON: Please ignore that. Whoops, my bad.

HUDSON: Please ignore.

AUSTIN: We’re doing a security test today. (laughs)

NICK: Okay…

HUDSON: Because that will still trigger something, like some people will come after me, but maybe not—

NICK: Oh, they absolutely will. So, here’s what happens. This is great.

CAMERON: (laughing) They’re not gonna come after you, they’ll come after that hallway.

NICK: You have activated Nick’s Security Measure #1. We’re gonna get a quick montage. That happens, you can’t cut power to it, it’s starting to go, and you put in a ticket for security malfunction. ‘I can’t turn this off. I don’t know what’s going on.’ So a bunch of IT people are annoyed. Some of them are headed to see you right now, because you had to put in a ticket to try to cover your tracks. We get a shot of a squad of stormtroopers that are hanging out in a barracks and that thing I said earlier, one of them stands up and says “And we’re live!” and then he gets a scroll on his com. “Oh, false alarm. It’s just a security malfunction.” They all (groan sadly) and sit back down.

The shot cuts to a couple of people in technician uniforms that are like “and we’re live! There’s an error! Let’s go, let’s go!” It’s two people dramatically running, and it zooms out to a map of the facility and they’re on the far side, so it’s gonna take them a while and they have to wait for the airlocks to cycle and for air to pump in, and then they run, so it’s gonna be a minute. You probably have 15 minutes for them to get to you from where they’re at.

HUDSON: I run and jam the door with my vibro-axe.

NICK: Oh, okay. The other thing that happened from you failing two hacking checks in a row is it cuts to a different barracks. Whereas the stormtrooper barracks had beds that were unmade and three of the stormtroopers were playing poker and stuff, this one just has one red light to preserve dark vision and two benches, and sitting in those benches in unison are stormtroopers in mat black armor that look very similar to the very first episode we did that were chasing you. The red light starts to silently flash and the one closest to the door stands up, looks at the red light, and through the speaker says, “and we’re live,” and does a roundabout gesture and signs, and they stand up all in unison and go out the doors. There are some intense stormtroopers starting to pursue this facility.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah. You said you wanted to hack to mess with the airlocks for the technicians coming to see you?

HUDSON: Yes, I would like to do that, so another Computers check. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. Tink’s on the struggle bus today.

HUDSON: I have a success and two advantages.

NICK: Okay. It’s enough to slow them down. Whereas before they were going to get there about the time the rest of the crew got to the safe. Now it’s probably gonna be on their way out. You may have to deal with passing them in a hallway, but the timer will take longer. You set it up so that the airlock cycles are just as long as possible without arousing suspicion. (laughs) You see, because you can follow on the cameras, they get in the airlock and the technicians pull out their coms and start doodling with stuff, and you’re like oh these guys aren’t counting what the cycle is, so you set it that each one takes longer. (laughter) So yeah, you still got some time, and your door is barred so if anybody tries to get in you’re gonna hear this door mechanically malfunction, although having to get out will be interesting. I guess if you pull the axe out you’ll probably be okay.

So, we cut back to the rest of the crew. HK, Val, Karma and Xianna are all in this hallway and the claxon is (going off).

CAMERON: I thought Karma and Val were in a different hallway.

NICK: Well, you met up in the…

LAURA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: We met back up.

CAMERON: Oh okay.

AUSTIN: We just kept walking quickly while the alarms are going off.

LAURA: “Okay. We are going to book it to the cage. Let’s go, let’s go.”

NICK: Okay. You are running basically. You go past a bunch of doors and stuff. There are some scenes of you leaning up against a wall, and people walking by talking about this technical malfunction, there’s parts of laser grids and stuff that you just quickly step over, no problem, you know where they are. You get to the quote unquote ‘cage’ and it is a chromed out, durasteel box that goes around the elevator shaft which is not touching the ceiling, it’s just sticking out of the floor, you can see the elevator shaft. There is a gate on it with no discernable locking mechanism. Ooh~

CAMERON: Ooh~

LAURA: Okay. Can we do—I was about to say Investigation. It’s not Investigation.

CAMERON: Perception?

LAURA: I guess for me either a Skulduggery of looking to find a lock or a Perception?

AUSTIN: I start fingering the red cylinders on my belt.

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: The blaster ones are black. I have two red ones.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: So would it be a Skulduggery to try to break it?

NICK: Skulduggery would be trying to identify how this gate works.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: At this point while Xianna walks over to look at it—Do you touch it? He asked in his best GM voice.

LAURA: I don’t know if I would touch it. I would be mostly looking.

NICK: Okay. While she goes over to investigate, HK says, “Suggestion: We should setup firing positions here.”

AUSTIN: Can I do a Mechanics check to also look for a different set of problems?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: HK and I start shifting crates around and shit.

AUSTIN: What’s the difficulty on this one? Hard?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: That was two successes and one advantage.

AUSTIN: A triumph and its success.

NICK: Okay. Between the two of you Xianna is able to figure out what this is and how it works, Val gets an idea for how to get through it. This is an electrified security cage by Kuat Drives. They sell this as a side thing. It is deadly, high power voltage which is not great, and the locks aren’t controlled from here, it’s remotely from another place, not the security system, it’s like a literal buzz-through button that’s down the hall. The only way to do it is have an appointment of ‘we’re gonna buzz this thing open,’ or have a friend go press it to let you through. The way that Val figures out how to get through this is, if there’s a way to insulate the door and apply a bunch of pressure just going up, they cut costs on the hinges and you may be able to bust this thing open.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: At this point HK is behind a cluster of crates with the gun set on it, and as the barrels spin, he’s just been keeping them spinning on and off pretty regularly to keep it spun up, and it rattles on the box. His face doesn’t move but he looks pretty excited. Karma pushes over some potted plants and some more crates and sets up her own cover. You haven’t seen anybody down this hallway in a while. This is high clearance.

AUSTIN: I just realized I have my hydrospanner still in my pocket. I have another advantage I can add to all of my Mechanics.

NICK: Oh. Nice.

LAURA: Xianna looks at Val. “You know how to get this open?”

AUSTIN: “Yup.”

LAURA: “Can you do it yourself?”

AUSTIN: “We’ll see.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay. Good. I will be right here. Go ahead and you do that.” Xianna’s going through her pockets, and…

AUSTIN: I start ripping up floor panels looking for the way to turn the power off to this thing.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Xianna takes out a small box, and opens up the box…

AUSTIN: I could ask Tink, but I don’t even think to, because he might have access to it but it’s not a thing I was thinking about.

CAMERON: Karma drags over her last potted plant with a small tree in it. “Tink, do you want to start working on the eye scanner?”

LAURA: There’s a small baggie in the box.

HUDSON: “Sure thing!” I start working on the eye scanner.

NICK: (laughing) Okay. Let’s let Laura take her drugs.

LAURA: No, it’s fine. It’s like smash cut scenes, like they do in these things. They’re just cutting to different things, and then she has her baggie, and she snorts her impact.

NICK: “Supplication: Can I have that floor panel, please?”

AUSTIN: I give him the floor panel and I reach around the corner and I grab a small orange cone and I put it in front of the thing while I’m waist deep in this panel looking.

(laughter)

NICK: HK sets the floor panel in front of the crates and says, “This will help from heavy laser fire.” With your triumph you’re able to shut down the electricity pretty easily, so there’s no problem there, so it’s just applying the proper leverage.

AUSTIN: I just go try to lift it.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Brawn check, I guess?

AUSTIN: Brawn? Is the skill by itself just greens?

NICK: Uh, Athletics would be lifting heavy shit, if you have Athletics.

AUSTIN: Nope. I’m sure it will be fine.

NICK: This is average difficulty, because you know what you’re doing.

AUSTIN: Two threats.

NICK: You take 2 strain.

AUSTIN: Ow.

NICK: Yeah, trying to lift this, and it doesn’t go. Maybe if you ask someone for help or use a lever of some kind.

CAMERON: “You need help?”

AUSTIN: “Hey Karma, can you get over here and help me lift this thing? It’s a little bit heavier than I was hoping.”

CAMERON: “Yeah sure.” Karma swivels her blaster around her back and walks over and assists.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to pop the gate. It comes right off.

CAMERON: I am very athletic. (laughs)

AUSTIN: Perfect. Yeah.

NICK: Well, and there’s two of you. I think Val lets go and Karma’s just holding it.

CAMERON: “Do y’all wanna go in?”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay, we go in. Okay bye!”

CAMERON: I set it back down, walk back over, swing my gun back around.

NICK: At this point several things happen all at once. Tink starts hacking to deal with the eye scanner on the elevator because you need that to get in, and you hear simultaneous clomping of feet and they are so in unison it’s hard to tell how many there are. Then you hear…

LAURA: “Oh no…”

NICK: “Security has been breached. Activate the alarm now.”

LAURA: “Val! Explosions!” Heh.

NICK: And a bunch of really scary, mat black stormtroopers come around this corner. Tink, you’ll notice they were not on the screens.

HUDSON: Huh.

NICK: They weren’t on the cameras.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: To hack the eyeball scanner?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Hard.

HUDSON: What’s the black die for again?

NICK: Because this thing has protocol specifically to keep you from using an outlaw tech data breaker on it, because they know that’s the toy people use. If you get a triumph you can spend it to get past that so it stops bothering you.

HUDSON: I have one success and four advantages.

NICK: One success and four advantages! Yeah, so you’re able to pop the eye screener. You basically just… There’s a folder, and in the folder is past logins, and you just drag the login from the past logins into the current login and it opens. They didn’t really think that one through all the way. They didn’t assume you would be this far into their system. There’s like the whole web, and you’ve just been like well here’s the application that handles this, let me play with that, and we’ll back out, and here’s the… You’re just in. You’re just making stuff happen. The elevator slides open, you’re able to get in. Val, do you detonate the explosives in the hallways?

AUSTIN: I reach into my pocket and pull out a canister.

NICK: Okay?

AUSTIN: It is a fuel air bomb.

NICK: (laughing) Oh god!

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: “No, Val! Set off the other explosions. I think those were stormtroopers!”

AUSTIN: “We still gotta get out that way!”

LAURA: “No. We didn’t put explosions in that hallway.”

AUSTIN: I chuck the bomb down the hallway.

(laughter)

NICK: This one explodes big enough you probably want everyone to go down the elevator with you.

AUSTIN: Yes.

NICK: Okay. Do you have the stats for this thing?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s Mechanics skill, the damage is 9 + 10, it’s medium range, and it’s Concussive 1 and Knockdown.

NICK: Yeah. Go ahead and roll me that Mechanics check for the bomb.

AUSTIN: “You might want to get in now. This is gonna be a bit of a boom.”

NICK: HK looks up and we get the shot from his shoulders of his head tracking it very specifically as it goes sailing into the hallway. “Frantic: We do not want to be on this floor when that goes off.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma lifts the cage back up by herself. “Alright HK, get in there.”

NICK: You haven’t seen him move unsurely yet, and he’s like scrambling over his hands trying to get in the elevator. The stormtroopers kneel down and take up positions along the wall, and you hear their commander say, “Firing pattern beta, now!”

AUSTIN: What’s the difficulty? I’m just chucking it down the hallway with a fuse on it.

NICK: It’s medium range, so two.

CAMERON: You said it’s a Mechanics check?

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: He does Mechanics explosives.

CAMERON: You get your blue die for your hydrospanner?

AUSTIN: I get an advantage, I think. It specifically had the advantage symbol, so I just get an added advantage.

NICK: I mean, you don’t get to use your hydrospanner throwing a bomb.

HUDSON: Can I donate my four advantages?

NICK: For throwing a bomb?! You can use your advantages to shut a door in the hallway so the explosion’s gonna hit them harder if you want.

CAMERON: Yeah!

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s do that.

AUSTIN: Yeah, let’s shut the door behind them.

NICK: So Tink sees the cylinder flying and is like, oh, and just starts shutting doors to try to shape the explosion at them.

AUSTIN: Three successes.

NICK: Yeah… You said it was 9 + 10 damage?

AUSTIN: Nine + 10. I don’t know what the difference…

CAMERON: Plus 3.

NICK: Either way, they’re in an enclosed space and you threw a fuel air bomb. So, what we see, because this is a PG-13 Star Wars movie, is they get in the elevator, Tink goes, oh, and starts shutting and opening doors and vents to force all the explosion into a smaller space. The stormtrooper leader says “Blast cover, blast cover,” and then we see the elevator start to sink as the doors are closing and just a huge gout of flame goes into the top of the elevator over everyone’s head, and the elevator starts to go down. That’s all we see. All of the cameras in that hallway, which you couldn’t see the stormtroopers on but you saw the bomb, Tink, all of the cameras are out. This is a black zone. Before they were off, now they are gone.

LAURA: Also, when we put the bombs in the other hallways, the ones Val set, they were not in the hallway from the elevator to our little safe section.

AUSTIN: On the side ones?

NICK: Yeah, they were like side hallways. That’s fine.

LAURA: They were other areas, so those wouldn’t have blown up our hallway. Our hallway is now blown up though, but…

AUSTIN: “Yeah, sorry Xianna. I just- The other ones were gonna cause structural harm, and a fuel air bomb really just blows the air up and all the things that breathe the air, so this way we still have a hole to get back out of.”

LAURA: “Yeah, okay, but so the other bombs were not going to blow this area up, so… we could have, you know.”

NICK: (starts humming peaceful elevator music)

AUSTIN: “Yeah, but I don’t wanna collapse it while we’re still here.”

LAURA: “No, they would have collapsed those hallways and killed those stormtroopers and not the hallway we were in. We would have been fine.”

AUSTIN: “We’ll blow it up on the way out.”

LAURA: “Okay. On the way out.” … (joins in the humming)

AUSTIN: “This is a really long elevator!”

(humming stops)

NICK, LAURA & CAMERON: It’s down 40 floors! (laughing)

LAURA: “Forty floors is a lot.”

AUSTIN: (laughing) I look up at the floor count and we’re on like 11.

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

CAMERON: “Okay. Everybody get to the sides. HK, you setup on that side of the door, I’ll setup on this side of the door. Y’all get behind us.”

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

NICK: “Acknowledgement: Okay.” (gun powers up)

CAMERON: “Feel free to shoot anybody you see, HK.”

NICK: “I’m smiling.”

LAURA: “Tink! Tink! Make sure the walkway we are going down to is pressurized, atmosphere, you know.”

HUDSON: “Not pressurized?! It’s hard to hear you.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “No. Tink, you need to make sure we can go into the hallway.”

HUDSON: “Oh!”

AUSTIN: If the rock itself blocks signals, as we get lower do we–

CAMERON: (laughs nervously)

NICK: Flip me a dark side point, would you?

AUSTIN: (laughs nervously) Weird!

LAURA: I mean, Tink was already told all of this.

HUDSON: Yeah.

CAMERON: Tink should know, but…

NICK: (musically) Dramatic tension.

AUSTIN: Now all he can do is look in the cameras if there are any down there.

HUDSON: So I’m looking, and yes, I set it up.

AUSTIN: You can probably see sensors and stuff anyway.

NICK: You’ve been adding atmo before, and then weirdly they were mostly going through hallways with people close enough that the stuff was aired, which is why you haven’t run into that stuff so far. What you do see in the hallway is two very large battle droids on either side of the vault door. They look like the super battle droids, but their legs are like big old tank treads and they have arms with tri-barreled heavy blasters on them and shoulder mounted rocket launchers, and they’re just staring at the elevator like they’re part of a newly added security system or something. You can’t contact them through coms, but you see that this is coming. So… yep. (hums elevator music)

HUDSON: “Uh… Um. Oh my. Oh my. Uh… Ooh… Eh… I’m gonna just trust that they can take a handle on that one. They got this.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: ‘I have faith in my team!’

NICK: Tink finds a very interesting quadruple-encrypted file on the computer and you just start fiddling with that. You’re like ‘they got this! What is this? Why is it so hidden?’ You’ll get into it if you spend time on it, but that’s why you’re letting them do this.

LAURA: So, we were standing in the elevator in a specific order is what I heard? Yes?

CAMERON: yes.

AUSTIN: We’re flat against the wall.

CAMERON: Xianna and Val are behind Karma and HK to where the elevator doors open in the middle, there’s always the small space on either side, so both Karma and HK are setup on those on each side with their guns ready, and then mostly blocking Val and Xianna, and we’re ready.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: And the doors go (PING) and slide open, and basically the lobby music from The Matrix starts. Good luck, Nick, finding a royalty-free version of it that’s close enough. So the droids both are already pointed at the door and you just hear a robot voice say “Contact!” and then they start getting ready to unload.

HK says, “Gleefully: Contact!” And we’re gonna roll initiative~ Hudson, if you want to roll initiative for Tink too, you can use a round to do stuff to affect the room if you would like.

HUDSON: Okay.

LAURA: Is it Cool or–?

NICK: This one’s definitely Vigilance.

AUSTIN: They know we’re here.

NICK: You all can have a blue die for it, because you were prepped in case there was somebody in the hallway.

LAURA: Oh boy!

AUSTIN: One success and five advantages.

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: One success and two advantages.

LAURA: I got a triumph with a success, another success, and an advantage.

CAMERON: I got three advantages, yeah, and I roll yellows. They just didn’t, guys.

NICK: Can you roll me two greens and a yellow for HK, please?

CAMERON: One success, four advantages.

NICK: And then can you roll me two yellows twice?

CAMERON: One success, three advantages. Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. The order for initiative on this is going to be a PC, an NPC, two PCs, an NPC, and then two PCs. That being said, there were nine advantages and a triumph on this that you can spend to add things to this scene to be advantageous.

AUSTIN: How many bad guys are there?

NICK: Two.

AUSTIN: Okay. Just the big tank things?

NICK: Yes. They’re very strong. So, if you want to add stuff to this room now would be a good time.

LAURA: How far apart are they already?

NICK: They are the width of a double door apart, so roughly two meters apart. Also they have four advantages, but don’t worry about it.

LAURA: It’s okay. I had a triumph. Can we use one of the advantages to get through the coms just a little bit and tell Tink to manually half way close the elevator doors, so we have a little bit more cover?

NICK: No, but you can spend two advantages just for the doors to get stuck half way.

CAMERON: Yeah~

LAURA: Like we have a jam button?

NICK: Like they start shooting and the doors short out.

CAMERON: The doors start to close and they hit the control panel which means that the doors stop moving, because that’s how Star Wars works.

LAURA: So we have a little bit more cover?

NICK: Yep. That works.

AUSTIN: Can I look at the floor and see that one of the pressure plates has an outlaw tech logo in the corner, and it’s actually one of the spring plates from the station?

NICK: (laughs) yeah. Sure.

CAMERON: Heheheh.

NICK: There’s a spring plate in the floor.

HUDSON: What defensive measures are in the room that I can use?

NICK: I’ll just say that you know, because you can’t talk to them. There is an arc electricity turret thing in the roof of the elevator that they’re currently using for cover. It probably would go off and shock the crap out of them pretty soon. There’s also one above the door above the droids.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: Those are the main things. There’s also all those pressure plates. Apparently one is the opposite of a pressure plate and is a spring plate.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

CAMERON: Boing!

NICK: But those set off a bunch of things. We’ll also just go with it. Also the air vents are all rigged with poisonous gas canisters that can fill the room at any time. Luckily that’s activated from where you’re sitting.

HUDSON: Got it. So we haven’t used the triumph yet?

NICK: Nope.

LAURA: Do we want to do something like one of the droid’s motion sensors, or whatever they use to ‘see,’ air quotes, is malfunctioning so its aim is slightly off?

NICK: Cool. It will have two black dice all the time forever. Help me remember that. You notice one of its eyes is just dangling on circuits and the other one keeps blinking. It can’t see real good.

AUSTIN: Does it look suspicious, like it has a ping-pong ball instead of an eye?

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Yeah. Someone put a googly eye over the broken visual sensor.

CAMERON: And drew on a smiley face.

NICK: Yeah. Someone in IT likes to have fun.

AUSTIN: So we got a smiley droid and a serious droid.

NICK: Yeah. We get a quick cut to those two technicians coming to check on Tink in the office, because he put in the ticket, and they’ve been in the same airlock for like four minutes and they’re just playing rock, paper, scissors not paying attention. Cool, so that’s the setup. First up is a PC slot. Who would like to go first?

LAURA: Xianna has a grenade. (laughs)

CAMERON: I feel like HK or Karma would shoot first though, because we had y’all behind cover, so in the time that the doors open and we judged the scenario HK would start laying down cover fire or something before you analyzed the situation.

NICK: Probably.

LAURA: Remember that Xianna is all jacked up on Mountain Dew, AKA impact. She would be jumpy.

AUSTIN: Grenade time! (laughs)

LAURA: So we could have HK shoot first since HK is programmed to do that.

CAMERON: Yeah, because HK is gonna have the best reaction time out of any of us, because he is droid.

NICK: “Expletive: Fuck yeah I am.”

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: Okay. We’ll let HK go first. It’s medium range. Let’s look up the stats I gave him for this gun… His ranged heavy is going to be, ooh, two yellows and two greens.

AUSTIN: Turns out a murder droid is good at murdering.

NICK: Yeah, no shit.

CAMERON: Weird.

NICK: He’s gonna aim too, so give him a blue die. That will be the pool.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. How many advantages?

CAMERON: Three.

NICK: Heehee, he gets to go again. His gun shoots automatic, so he can spend advantages to hit them multiple times. What he’s doing, he basically has a mini-gun thing, so he can spend advantages that multiple bullets hit, because he shoots very fast.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: Yep. Cool. He is going to do… that’s 24 damage.

CAMERON: (snickers)

NICK: I’ll say he shoots the one that does see well, because he doesn’t like him.

AUSTIN: His analysis is that this is more dangerous.

NICK: He peppers through the droid. It does have a lot of soak, and he only has Pierce 1. He almost kills it.

CAMERON: Alright. Another additional tidbit about auto-fire, before you roll the check you can say that you’re targeting more than one person.

NICK: Okay. That’s useful. He wasn’t.

CAMERON: So, you can allocate hits to different targets, so you can do like a full pass.

NICK: Suppressing fire, potentially.

CAMERON: If it’s two separate targets the GM chooses which target is the initial target.

NICK: Right. … Wait, that’s me.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Eh.

CAMERON: There you go. You get to decide. (laughs)

NICK: Cool. This one on the left, the one that isn’t malfunctioning and stuff, is particularly bulky. It has extra armor plating and stuff. HK says, “Gleefully: Suppressing fire!” It just peppers it with bullets. The thing is sparking and smoking but not quite down. It is very, very, very hurt though. That’s that one. Now it’s an NPC slot. We’re gonna go with the one that just got shot. It’s gonna shoot its concussive missile on its shoulder into the elevator.

AUSTIN: (coughs) Ooh boy.

NICK: (smiling) That’s what it’s gonna do.

LAURA: Say if I have Dodge, which is when targeted in combat I may perform a dodge incidental, how does that work when it’s targeting a whole group?

CAMERON: I have the same question. (laughs)

NICK: I would say as the missile is flying you can take your dodge to step out of the elevator, which would give you cover.

CAMERON: Okay.

LAURA: Well, the dodge is to upgrade the difficulty of their attack by that number.

NICK: What we’ll do, because this is a blast thing, I’ll let you use it to just step out of the blast range. It’s just gonna hit HK and Val I guess.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: It’s gonna be four greens, average difficulty.

AUSTIN: If the attack misses does it hit the people that just jumped out of the elevator?

NICK: Maybe. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: Also I do have a Melee Defense, not that it affects anyone else. Heh.

CAMERON: It wouldn’t do anything for a concussion missile either, would it?

AUSTIN: You try to catch the missile!

LAURA: It adds a black die to all ranged and melee attacks against me.

NICK: Alright, well he’s shooting at the elevator.

LAURA: yeah, it wouldn’t.

AUSTIN: Oh boy.

CAMERON: It hits the elevator.

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: Three successes and two threats.

NICK: Two threats, you say?

CAMERON: I do say two threats, yes.

NICK: Well, the good news is it doesn’t set you on fire, but it does do 7 damage.

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: Hey, HK’s not real happy about that.

AUSTIN: Val takes 1 damage, because she has a soak of 6.

NICK: It’s not a big missile, it’s like a micro missile, it’s not like a ship missile. It hits the back and it does mostly just a blast of force and it throws you into the wall. HK takes a hit and is sparking a little on his back, but he’s otherwise fine. That was its turn.

AUSTIN: “I bruised my knee.”

NICK: (laughs) HK says, “Statement: It must be so inconvenient to be organic,” and starts to step into the hallway. Next we have a PC slot.

CAMERON: Xianna can throw the grenade, if you want to try to take out the first one.

LAURA: Yeah. I’ll toss the grenade. What distance are they?

NICK: Medium range. What’s the range on a grenade?

LAURA: Short.

NICK: So you will have to close with it and then you can throw it, so just use your maneuver to run forward. You wouldn’t have been able to do it from the elevator anyway.

LAURA: I guess I wouldn’t have. Yeah. It would have come up short.

NICK: Hey, what do you know. Rules and junk. I forget we’re playing a game.

CAMERON: Look at those, mechanics!

AUSTIN: No, I’m mechanics. (laughs)

CAMERON: (wry laugh)

LAURA: (nervously) Four advantages?

NICK: Oh no. (chuckles) Are you gonna activate blast while missing?

LAURA: I think you can. If the attack misses I can spend three advantages for the original target and every target engaged with the original target—

NICK: Which they are.

LAURA: –suffers damage equal to the blast rating of the weapon.

AUSTIN: Two meters is engaged?

NICK: Ish, within melee range. Close enough.

CAMERON: If the grenade hit in the middle of them then it’s one meter from both.

NICK: We’ll say that. What’s the damage?

LAURA: Blast 6.

NICK: Oh no… They have Soak 6.

LAURA & HUDSON: Oh no…

CAMERON: (laughs) Welp.

NICK: This thing lands perfectly. Well, it doesn’t, because you were aiming to bounce one off of somebody and it lands in the middle, but the explosion catches them both. The smoke clears and they’re still standing there.

LAURA: “Oh fuck.”

(laughter)

NICK: Up next we have another PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright, Karma’s gonna take it with her big gun so that she can use Quick Strike, because the one with the googly eyes hasn’t gone yet, so I get my blue die.

NICK: That’s true.

CAMERON: And I’ma gonna shoot it, with my carbine.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Oh, and I’m gonna aim, so I’m taking another blue die.

NICK: (musically) Mechanics~!

AUSTIN: You’re not in cover anymore because you’re outside of the elevator.

CAMERON: That’s true. It’s fine. Two successes, one threat, and a triumph. Mm-hmm!

NICK: Threat happens off-screen. Don’t worry about it.

CAMERON: Cool! So my gun does 11 damage.

NICK: Got it, 11 damage. That’s a pretty solid hit. It definitely pierces the armor. Droid looks sad. Well, it’s face doesn’t move, but the googly eye droops a little bit. Did you want to crit with that triumph?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Alright. Roll me up a critical hit. I don’t have the chart in front of me~

LAURA: We have it right here.

NICK: Oh.

LAURA: You do have the chart right in front of me.

NICK: I literally have the chart in front of me~

CAMERON: Uh, heh, 12.

LAURA: Sudden Jolt: Drop item in hand.

CAMERON: Lethal Blows: Add +10 per rank of Lethal Blows to any critical injury result inflicted on opponent, so that is a 22.

NICK: This feels like Yu-Gi-Oh.

LAURA: Twenty-two!

AUSTIN: You’ve triggered my trap card!

CAMERON: Ha-ha! Wait, nope, sorry. Add another 10, 32. I have two in Lethal Blows.

LAURA: Thirty-two! Stunned: Staggered until end of next turn.

NICK: Oh shit. He can’t act.

CAMERON: Ha-ha-ha!

NICK: We’ll have to skip his NPC slot. It pierces and the droids are starting to roll forward, but this one shorts out and its head falls down, and you can see it running internal diagnostics to come back up. You managed to hit something pretty important.

CAMERON: I forgot that I added 20 to all of my crits.

NICK: We don’t actually crit that often, or if we do it’s against mooks so it doesn’t really matter.

CAMERON: No.

NICK: So, that was Karma and Xianna. Up to an NPC slot. He’s shorted out. He can’t move.

CAMERON: Heh-heh.

NICK: They were both rolling forward menacingly, not enough to mechanically change the difference but enough to make the scene look cooler, and this one veers slightly and starts grinding against the wall. It’s doing whatever the mechanical droid version of when your computer freezes and plays the one-eighth of a second noise it was playing when it freezes over and over again. It’s doing that.

LAURA & AUSTIN: (error noises)

NICK: Yep, that one. Thank you all for your illustration. Up next we have another PC slot.

AUSTIN: It’s my turn!

NICK: Okie-dokie.

LAURA: It’s Val~

AUSTIN: I’m gonna sprint at that robot, bounce on the jump pad, and punch him in the face!

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. You’re medium range.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I have to take a strain to double maneuver.

NICK: You can take a strain to double maneuver, or you can use the jump pad to just do it, but if you take the strain to double maneuver I’ll let you add a blue die to your attack with the jump pad.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna take the blue die.

NICK: Okay. You can take two blue dice because that’s real cool. Some Sonic stuff right there. No pressure.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Are you using a black cylinder or a red cylinder?

AUSTIN: This is a black. The red ones are still… I thought about it for the gate and then I didn’t need them. Two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Okay…

AUSTIN: “Power slam!”

NICK: God damn it.

CAMERON: She yells.

AUSTIN: (laughing) As she’s jumping.

NICK: Which one were you hitting, googly eyes?

AUSTIN: The almost dead one. I’m gonna finish him.

NICK: You did how much damage?

AUSTIN: Nine damage.

NICK: Yeah, you punch its head off. It just (burst noise).

AUSTIN: It’s the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. I hit it and it just goes poink!

NICK: (laughs) Yeah. The thing is though, you have these fists that also shoot blaster bolts when you punch. When you do does it eject the canister so you can put another one in, or does the canister just work for a while?

AUSTIN: We can say they eject, because it’s cooler.

NICK: That’s cool, right?! (ca-ching) And then it’s an incidental to slap another one in.

AUSTIN: Yeah, so I have a bunch of black ones.

NICK: You knock its head off, but you leave a smoking crater from the chest up. You blew this thing off and it just slouches into its treads and makes a sad droid noise and dies. Yep, success. Good work. We get a cool shot of Val standing over the corpse pumping her fists.

AUSTIN: Pumping her fists, looking really excited that she just got to punch a droid and it worked. (laughs)

NICK: Has Val not actually used these punch gloves before?

AUSTIN: It’s rare, because you don’t use them on civilized people.

NICK: Oh.

AUSTIN: You use them on Imperials and pirates.

NICK: Cool. Alright, we’ve got another PC slot. Tink, did you have something that you wanted to do?

HUDSON: Yes. There’s a turret above the elevator, correct?

NICK: yes there is.

HUDSON: I would like to try to activate that turret and shoot the droid.

NICK: Okay. There’s a turret above the elevator and there’s a turret above the vault where they were. Do you have a preference? They are closer to the one by the vault.

HUDSON: Let’s do the vault one then I suppose.

NICK: Alright. Make me a slicing check. This is a different system so it’s going to be hard with a black die, but if you succeed I’ll let you roll a shooting check.

CAMERON: (laughing) Oh no. He doesn’t have any shooting.

HUDSON: Great. I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes, and two advantages.

NICK: Wow. Do you want to spend the triumph that this turret already has targeting and you don’t have to roll to shoot? It just hits it.

HUDSON: yes.

NICK: Okay. You’re gonna hit this droid. It’s basically like a tesla coil, so it sticks out and this crazy arching electricity goes and hits it. How many successes did you have?

HUDSON: The success from the triumph plus two more.

NICK: Wow. Yeah, that does frickin’ 10 damage to it. It is pretty hurt. It is now malfunctioning, but the electricity seems to have kind of restarted it, which is cool. It kind of gets back up and it’s starting to run. It is going to have a black die with some of your advantages thrown in there, because it is now torn between if its enemy is behind it or in front of it. It was not designed for six people to murder it from various angles. That’s not what this thing’s purpose was. So, that is that. Next up we got a PC slot. Who wants to go?

CAMERON: I’ll shoot it again.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Gonna aim. Can I still use Quick Strike because it still hasn’t gone? It had its turn but was staggered and couldn’t take an action, so it has not acted in this combat.

NICK: It has not acted, so I guess you can Quick Strike it twice.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Seems fair.

AUSTIN: Well, we almost one-shot the other one, so…

CAMERON: It does say ‘have not acted yet this encounter,’ so it is specific that they performed an action.

NICK: Yeah, there’s a reason HK just sits quietly in the background most of the time. He’s only good at one thing.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages, which does let me crit again. That’s 10 damage and a crit.

NICK: You guys are whittling this thing down. It’s obvious when you see one that wasn’t hit by possibly whatever space Geneva Convention violating weaponry it is that this thing can take a beating, because you have hit it with a lot of hits that would kill a person and it’s still rolling.

CAMERON: So this crit is gonna be +30.

NICK: Yep, because it’s already been crit on once.

CAMERON: And I add +20, so a 97 + 30 please. (laughs)

NICK: Oh…

LAURA: So, 127. Gruesome Injury: Permanent -1 penalty to random characteristic, and there is a random characteristic chart. It’s a d10. I don’t know if we’re gonna…

CAMERON: I’ve got a d10.

NICK: Here’s the thing. I don’t want you to do minus Charisma to this battle droid.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I wanna see! I wanna see.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: It’s more likely to be Brawn and Agility.

CAMERON: It would be funny if it was Charisma. (laughs)

LAURA: Because 1 through 6 are Brawn and Agility.

CAMERON: It’s a 3.

LAURA: That is Brawn.

NICK: Okay, so its soak is gonna go down by 1. What does that look like? What does a gruesome wound on a battle droid look like with a rifle?

CAMERON: It’s probably just like I completely take off its tread.

LAURA: Yeah, like a whole piece comes off.

NICK: Oof.

CAMERON: The tread just detaches from the center, so the spinning part is still functioning but it’s no longer going to actually grip on that side, and it shifts down slightly so it’s now sitting slightly at an angle, and there’s sparks and it looks cool.

NICK: The camera zooms in on the fact that the tread has a very small support and electrical chassis, and you’re like oh… (blast), and it just dismembers it slightly. It’s the kind of thing the first time you defeat an enemy with that mechanic in a video game you’re like oh this is so cool, the 50^th time you do it you’re like this is dumb.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: So yeah, it is missing a leg, it is very sad, and it is its turn now. I think it is going to shoot at Karma because Karma just shot it very good. You jumped behind it basically to kill the other one, so it’s not paying attention to you.

AUSTIN: I’m out of sight right now.

CAMERON: What is its shooting stats?

NICK: It’s the same as the missile. What was that, four green?

CAMERON: Yes, it was four green, because I had to get out another green. It does have three black dice, because it has two black dice from the googly eyes and one black die from being shocked.

NICK: Yes, you’re right.

CAMERON: Because I added it to my black dice pile over here.

NICK: Okay. Man, this poor droid, it just wanted to learn to love. It had a whole backstory you guys. I wrote a short story about this battle droid.

CAMERON: And then I’m gonna suffer another strain to dodge and upgrade its difficulty by one. It’s upgrading so it’s going from a purple to a red, because it’s not increasing.

NICK: Yup. Big dice pools today.

CAMERON: Yup. Two threats.

NICK: Aww. Not three?

CAMERON: Just two. There was one advantage. I thought there was three for a second.

NICK: Oh well. It shoots a lot. It mostly hits the walls. It’s off kilter. The other eye is flickering from the electricity. This thing is just having a rough day. The walls look sad. The threats, whoever shoots at it next can have a blue die because it’s got big open wounds in its armor now and it’s very obvious where that is when it lights up from the inside trying to fire its weapons. Another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna can just stop and shoot.

NICK: You’re within close range of it right now anyway, because you were from the grenades. It hasn’t gone past you.

LAURA: She’s not gonna move, so she’ll aim. That’s three successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow!

LAURA: Yeah, that’s a crit. Yeah. It’s definitely a crit.

NICK: Man, this thing got critted on a bunch.

LAURA: It’s 9 damage, but a crit is activated.

CAMERON: And it’s gonna be a +20 crit.

LAURA: Because it’s been critted on twice.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I know its soak is gonna take most of that 9 away, but…

NICK: Yeah, but you guys have whittled it down enough, it’s in pretty bad shape. Oh wait, and also its soak is down one, so it’s one more damage than I thought it was.

LAURA: Oh, that’s like 3 damage.

NICK: I mean, if you do that in repetition this thing doesn’t last very long. It’s already pretty much on the outs. It’s very sad. This went from a triumphant battle to executing something very quickly.

LAURA: Alright. Let’s see what its crit is. I don’t have d10s, or d100s.

CAMERON: Do you wanna roll it?

LAURA: You can roll it.

CAMERON: That is a 43 + 20.

LAURA: Sixty-three. Slightly Dazed: Disoriented until end of encounter.

NICK: So that’s a black die?

CAMERON: Another black die.

AUSTIN: I don’t think it’s gonna be hitting anything anymore.

CAMERON: It’s up to four black dice anytime it does anything.

NICK: Okay, another PC slot.

AUSTIN: My turn!

NICK: yeah…

AUSTIN: I wanna run over to it and just rip its heart out. It has so many holes in it now. I’m a mechanic, and I know what to grab, so I’m just gonna bounce on that jump plate, jump on its torso, and just (roars).

NICK: Alright, make me a Brawl check I guess. (laughs)

LAURA: Oh! Also, I had two more advantages that weren’t spent. Can I give Val some boost dice?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Like I step out of the way and…

AUSTIN: Is it Brawl or Mechanics to do that?

NICK: We’ll say Brawl. You’re aggressively mechanic-ing.

AUSTIN: Percussive maintenance, except extreme! Two successes.

NICK: What’s the total damage?

AUSTIN: Two + 3 + 4 again, assuming I’m blast knuckling it to rip this thing out. I put my arm around it and then squeeze and then shoot the pieces behind it.

NICK: Hey, you killed it, just barely. You coup de grace this thing. You just go and pull out its central processor?

AUSTIN: yeah, the droid heart.

NICK: Okay. Well, good work.

AUSTIN: I throw it at HK’s feet. “This is what happens to droids who get in the way.”

NICK: “Reassurance: If I’m to kill you it will be from far enough away you don’t know it happens.” It just looks unphased.

AUSTIN: I wink at him and turn towards the door. (laughs)

CAMERON: How is HK doing health-wise? You said he took a pretty decent hit.

NICK: He took a decent hit. I think he took 3 out of 12, so he’s at 75% right now.

LAURA: Okay, that’s fine~

NICK: He’s un poco squishy. Yeah, you are at the vault, the vault with the combination lock on it.

LAURA: Xianna starts trying to get through the door. If it’s a combo lock… Oh, I don’t know how Star Wars ones work. I don’t know if you can do the like, listen to it and hear for the tumblers.

AUSTIN: Like a keypad or a mechanical?

NICK: I was picturing a keypad but now it’s like a twisty lock. That’s fine.

LAURA: Oh, it’s a full twisty lock?

AUSTIN: Is it a digital twisty lock? (laughs)

NICK: It’s a mechanical one. No, it’s a mechanical one because they wanted to avoid slicers getting into it, because most of their stuff was electronic at this point. Quick cut away while she’s doing that. Tink, you’re just patrolling the cameras real quick and you notice there’s a circling drone that goes around the station looking at the exterior stuff. You already shut it down so you don’t have to worry about that, but you notice that the handcuffs with Mills on it are empty. Mills has escaped.

HUDSON: (seethes) Ooh.

NICK: As you look through you can actually see him running down hallways trying to get somewhere. So, that’s going on.

HUDSON: What about that encrypted file?

NICK: Ooh, that encrypted file you say. You are able to get into it. There are a lot of blueprints for some weird shit in there.

HUDSON: I collect it on a little, little… stick.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Computer stick.

NICK: There’s some weapon stuff and some ship stuff, and mechanically what that will do is you can either use it to do a weird custom upgrade to your axe or to help do a weird custom upgrade to the ship, your choice, later, but you have the data. This Kuat Ship Drive’s highly confidential exploratory technology, you now have. If you did it or if you gave it to someone who was in the know they could turn it into something cool.

HUDSON: Nice.

NICK: Yup. It’s a file that says like Do Not Read, 1998 taxes. (laughter) Laura, are you rolling a Skulduggery to try to just old school crack this lock?

LAURA: Yes, and I’m gonna flip a light side point. This is a model Xianna has seen before and knows exactly what to listen for.

NICK: Oh. I want to know when you’ve tried to crack this safe before. What hijinks were you in?

LAURA: Ooh! Let’s see.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: It’s probably something really ridiculous and petty. Someone at a club took her coat home instead of hers, like the coat check switched them up, so someone went home with Xianna’s super special thief trench coat… and so Xianna as like NO. (laughs) So she broke into this person’s house and also opened up their safe as an additional fuck you, you don’t take my coat, I’m taking your coat and your money.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. We cut back from that flashback to you trying to open this safe manually.

LAURA: What would the difficulty be?

NICK: Daunting. Doing a safe with no specialized tools is pretty hard.

LAURA: I don’t think I have any…

NICK: You don’t have a stethoscope or something?

LAURA: No. I would just smoosh my lekku (laughs) up against the door. I have some stuff for Bypass Security and it’s all remove black dice. Scanner goggles don’t see into things. I’ll have to get some more thiefy stuff.

CAMERON: Ooh. I want to aim my carbine at the door and look through my scope. Do I see any heat signatures? (laughs)

NICK: You see one blindingly bright heat signature.

CAMERON: “Guys, there’s something really hot in there.” Is it just like a box of bright light?

NICK: It looks like a cylinder.

LAURA: “It’s probably the engine. Engines go… they run. They get hot.”

CAMERON: “It does not look people-shaped.”

NICK: Good roll.

LAURA: Okay, so that is a triumph with a success, three more successes, two threats.

NICK: If you would like, that triumph is that you identify the potentially deadly booby-trap on the safe and it doesn’t go off.

LAURA: Yes!

NICK: Okay. Cool.

(laughter)

LAURA: I would like that, thank you, very much.

NICK: You’re actually able to get it on the second try, and it’s not that you didn’t figure out what the numbers were on the first try, it was that you just forgot that oh, when you go right it has to go around twice.

LAURA: “Oh, this is the X24… S model. On this one it goes this way. On the F model it goes the other way.”

CAMERON: “Alright.” And we put in the year that the Emperor came to power, and open.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “You have to do Sheevy in numbers, because you know, everyone knows his first name and his nickname is Sheevy.”

(laughter)

NICK: So, the safe pops and you see in the safe door, because this is a big bank vault looking thing, you see something that catches your eye. It’s a poison dart that’s on a proximity trigger. You just put a finger into the side of the dart and it shoots off and shatters against the wall and starts to acid burn a little bit. That would have been real bad. And so, the door swings open.

Inside the vault you find a durasteel cylinder about the size of a breadbox. It’s sitting on a small work table. It has a universal port on one end and a power button on the other. It’s polished to a mirror sheen but otherwise featureless. You all can roll Knowledge checks to recognize more about what the heck this thing is.

CAMERON: What type of Knowledge?

LAURA: I can roll an Underworld.

NICK: This would be like Education kind of situation probably.

CAMERON: eh. Hell, we can try.

LAURA: I mean, I’ll roll. What difficulty?

AUSTIN: I do have Education.

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: I’m pretty sure Xianna dropped out of school at like 15. (laughs)

NICK: Tink, you could probably see it through the cameras if you want to roll.

HUDSON: Oh, great.

LAURA: One advantage.

CAMERON: Ah! That was close though.

NICK: Fail?

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna literally dropped out of school at 15.

CAMERON: Psh. Oops.

AUSTIN: (smiling) Three successes and three threats.

NICK: Oh…

CAMERON: You’re just so shocked. You fall prone!

AUSTIN: “yes!” And I fall over. (laughs)

HUDSON: One threat.

NICK: Tink sees it through the cameras. ‘I think I know what that—‘ Nope. Someone starts knocking on the door outside your security room.

AUSTIN: I probably walk over and start getting a better look at it and just trip on a seam in the floor and face plant.

NICK: (laughs) yeah.

AUSTIN: I fall prone. (dramatic bass noise)

NICK: Yeah. Your legs are a little watery from the combat, because you haven’t done that in a while. You went pretty hard in the paint there. You get close, but you recognize this is a power source. You actually can put your hand on it and it’s not hot. It just has so much inherent energy that heat sensors and radiation sensors freak out, but it doesn’t emit any harmful radiation. This thing is basically—four of these things could power a star destroyer, and it’s just in this little tube that you could just plug into something. It doesn’t consume fuel. It will last 15 years and is already operational. It is technology that you recognize just miniaturized way more than you would expect and is incredibly expensive to make which is why they’re not using them yet. They haven’t made them cost effective, but you got one!

AUSTIN: “No way, guys! This is so exciting! Look! They miniaturized the thing, and the flux coils are down to that small, and they got rid of the heat signatures,” and I’m just bouncing around being really excited. “Guys, this is why we’re here!”

LAURA: “I am so happy you are so excited, and I am very happy it is small enough for one person to pick up. Very excited about that.”

AUSTIN: I just grab it off the table. I just pick it up and go “YAH!” (laughter) and then think about it for a second and look around and make sure I didn’t trigger an Indiana Jones trap.

LAURA: “Okay. You already picked it up. It is going to be okay. Let’s see… Now explosions. Distract people on our way out, but we don’t want to be caught in the explosions and stuff.”

AUSTIN: I pull out the detonator.

CAMERON: “I would maybe wait until we’re more up in the elevator, because that was a really long elevator ride.”

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘oh, I guess.”

CAMERON: Was there anything else in that room?

NICK: Nope. That was the only thing.

AUSTIN: Can I rip a gun off of one of those droids, one of those mini-guns?

NICK: If you make me a Mechanics check.

AUSTIN: I have remove a black die per rank of Utini to find and scavenge items and gear, so I’m gonna remove whatever that black die was.

NICK: (smiling) It was going to be a black die because it was all damaged so now you don’t have that. Make me a Mechanics check to steal one of these gun barrels.

AUSTIN: I don’t actually want to use it myself, but I want to put it on the ship. Actually, I wanna put it on a speeder.

NICK: It’s a lot heavier.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: (laughing) Because you don’t have any right now. You’re gonna be very successful.

AUSTIN: Yeah! Advantages. Five advantages and a success.

NICK: Okay. Let’s make it so that the advantage is you actually get a piece of the security suite from the droid with it so getting out of here is gonna be a lot easier than getting in was, and you have a big old repeating blaster. It’s gonna take both hands and it probably weighs 20 kilos, 25 kilos. That’s like 60 pounds.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

AUSTIN: I look in my tool belt and find some rope and just tie it across my shoulders.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

AUSTIN: I don’t want to use it, I just want to have it, unless someone else wants it.

NICK: “Observation: That’s a pretty impressive piece you’ve got there,” and turns to head to the elevator.

LAURA: “I literally do not think I could even pick that up.”

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: (roars)

LAURA: “If you were to put numbers to how strong I am, it is a 1.” (laughter) “Say if we were on some sort of 1 to 6 system, my Brawn, my strength as you say, would be a 1.”

NICK: You get on the elevator. The elevator starts to go up. We get a scene of the coms starting to reconnect with Tink and you get the crackle back to connection. Tink, what have you been doing, clicking through the files seeing all the cool stuff you got?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Just weird arc technology, kinda like those electrical turrets probably were, but you could use it to do what we talked about before.

AUSTIN: Would you say that thing we found is an arc reactor?

NICK: No.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: I would not, because it wasn’t a donut. I was tempted to make it a donut but I didn’t. So, the elevator is going up. (hums elevator music)

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

NICK: Tink, you can see on the cameras that—

CAMERON: (laughing) It’s dinging even though there are no floors. It’s just letting us know where there would be floors.

NICK: You can see on the cameras that Mills has re-found his gun and is standing in front of the elevator watching the counter go, just looking really upset. At that point someone is pounding on the door trying to get in. “Hey, you put in a ticket. We’re trying to keep our response times within LOS. If you could let us in, we’ll help you with that security error. We heard explosions though, are you really sure? Could I resolve this ticket now?” (laughing) What do you do?

HUDSON: First I get on coms and I try to say and whisper so they can’t hear from the hallway, “Mills is right outside the elevator.”

CAMERON: Oh shit.

HUDSON: Do they hear me?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: “Oh no. He will most certainly shoot us.”

CAMERON: “Oh hey, coms came back on.”

HUDSON: “Uhh… I gotta deal with- Gotta go. Love you.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay! Love you too! Bye~!”

HUDSON: I go to the door and I say, “Um, yeah, that ticket can be resolved. I already dealt with it.”

NICK: “This is highly suspicious. Can we just get in real quick to look at it? The door seems to be malfunctioning. We’re not really mechanics though, we do the software, but if you could let us in… We did a long walk over here. The air locks really need some preventative maintenance, they were pretty slow, and I’m starting to ramble, but if I could… Just let us in for a second, would you, buddy?”

HUDSON: “I thought there were some explosions and evacuations going on?”

NICK: “I don’t know anything about that. Um… I don’t know. That seemed like just some sort of gas leak. Just… Why won’t you let us in? That’s kind of weird.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Who are you with?”

NICK: “We’re with… the… We resolve tickets. We’re the IT team.”

HUDSON: “How many of you?”

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Um… You know, maybe I should just go and get the security detail. Maybe they can help you more.”

HUDSON: “No, no, no. I just wanted to see if my friend was out there.”

NICK: “Hey, you don’t sound like Ted. Where’s Ted?”

HUDSON: “Oh. Ted? Hold on. Let me just… Ow, the door’s jammed. Just a second.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: I open the door. Remove my vibro-axe, open the door, and get into position to slash.

NICK: Okay. (laughing) So this is just these two dorks with backpacks, they say like Geek Squad on their shirts. The door swings open and they are standing there like “huh, where’s that guy?” Are you hiding next to the door?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: “Huh, where’s that guy?” They walk in and they go to the computer and they see how deep into the files you were. “Man, I haven’t even seen these registries. No wonder it’s all messed up,” and they start clicking away.

HUDSON: I slip out the door.

NICK: (laughing) Okay. Roll me a Stealth to leave without them noticing.

HUDSON: Oh no… Oh. Okay, I can do that. I actually have three in Stealth.

NICK: What?!

(laughter)

LAURA: yeah!

NICK: Canonically, Tink moves like a ghost. We established that before.

LAURA: Because his feet are padded, so there’s not a lot of sound.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average, these guys suck.

CAMERON: And he blends into the surroundings so well.

NICK: You can have a blue die because they’re dorks.

HUDSON: Three successes and four advantages.

NICK: Do you want to spend the advantages that while they’re exiting out they don’t take any logs of anything so there’s no trace of you having been there?

HUDSON: Yup!

NICK: Okay. Four advantages I think would cover that. Three successes, you’re just gone. You actually beat them back to the rendezvous place, or were you gonna go to the elevator and meet up with them? It’s a reasonably long walk.

HUDSON: I would say rendezvous place then. Yeah.

NICK: Okay. You head back to the bubble. “Man, I don’t know what these programs are, some sort of bloatware.” He’s like deleting stuff and cleaning up the tracks for you.

(laughter)

CAMERON: ‘That’s why it’s running so slowly.’

HUDSON: So wait, they came in, were just talking to someone, and then—

CAMERON: Yup!

AUSTIN: They saw the problem and immediately are…

NICK: They saw the computer, immediately wanted to do it, that’s a fair point. They came in and the guy started working on it, the other guy was looking over his shoulder, and then you stealthed so good you got out. “Hey… Oh, I don’t know.” (laughs)

CAMERON: And the door had swooshed open so they can’t see where your axe was in it, so they’re just like huh, I guess he left.

NICK: Yeah. They think it’s weird. A guy pokes his head out to look around, but you stealthed so well that he didn’t find you. You’re gone, easy-peasy. So, we get back to the elevator crew. (hums elevator music)

LAURA: Ding…

NICK: It goes PING! It opens, and HK is pressed against the wall. “Statement: Tell me when to fire.” The rest of you see Mills standing out there.

CAMERON: Karma had flipped her blaster back to stun after we found out Mills was out front.

AUSTIN: I have the detonator in my hand still.

NICK: (laughs) yeah. The door opens. Mills sees—Well, are you all pressed against the doors, or…?

CAMERON: We probably took up the same positions as last time.

LAURA: Yeah, pressed against the door, and knowing that it’s Mills, Xianna would just yell out “Excuse me, Mils. Please do not shoot us~!”

NICK: He’s just flabbergasted. “Uh… You sound familiar. Is that a Twi’lek accent I hear?”

LAURA: “Yes it is. It is me. We met on Unroola Dawn, like, the other week I think. I have no idea how long it has been.”

NICK: “Aw man, no kriff.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yes! Do you remember us? There was those trees and they ate someone, and yes. We got deserters, and… How is Falx doing? I hear he died. Is that true?”

NICK: “Oh man. Yeah, if you’re calling out the trees you’ve definitely been in the shit.”

LAURA: “I’m purple, a Twi’lek. Remember me?”

NICK: “Oh yeah, I remember. You killed a tree with a grenade.”

LAURA: “I did, I killed—Yes. Well, I killed one of the deserters with a grenade by accident.”

CAMERON: “I think the tree made it, actually.”

LAURA: “I think the tree survived, but we did shoot the tree.”

NICK: “You’ve passed my subtle test.”

LAURA: “Yes. Yes.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma’s just gonna step out of cover, still with her gun out though.

NICK: He’s standing there, and as you step out of cover—Val do you go with her, or are you still hiding in the elevator?

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’ll walk out.

NICK: He sees Xianna and Karma and he drops the gun. “Wow. Long time no see. You working for Kuat Ship yards too? They pay pretty well.” Then Val steps out. “Oh, holy shit!” He puts his gun on her. “You caught yourself a prisoner. I didn’t know they hired more security contractors, but step aside, I’ll put her down.”

LAURA: “yes! No, hold on.” Xianna wants to really quickly scurry up next to Val and slap a binder, just on one hand though, and then be like “no-no-no, we have to take her in for a bounty, remember? This one ,the Nautolan, Karma’s a bounty hunter.”

CAMERON: “They wanted to question her, Mills, so…”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Hmm…”

LAURA: But I won’t attach the binders, so I won’t actually close them. I want them to just loosely be on so that it looks—

NICK: The Chewbacca treatment.

LAURA: Yeah, the Chewbacca thing. Would that be a Skulduggery?

NICK: “I’m pretty suspicious. This seems like a Deception.”

AUSTIN: I have the box like in one of my arms.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

NICK: He doesn’t know what that is. That’s super top secret. It just looks like a tube. “This sounds like some sort of a Deception check.”

LAURA: Oh, more Deception than Skulduggery? Sleight of hand?

NICK: Yeah. I’ll let you just slip the binder on, that’s not a big deal—

CAMERON: But us lying to him.

NICK: The lying.

LAURA: The lying.

NICK: He has two purples and a red.

CAMERON: But take a blue die, because I assisted with the lying.

NICK: I’ll do that.

LAURA: Two successes.

NICK: The thing is, he just needs there to be a good enough story that he would be able to tell somebody if they questioned him about it, so he’s not thinking about it too hard. “Well, I know they’re hiring a lot of people from dangerous places right now. There’s some new technology here that’s a really big deal. My next step is to have them expand the air vents so I can get in there, do better security from hiding. That’s kind of my thing.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. Mm-hmm.”

CAMERON: “Yes.”

LAURA: Xianna would slowly sidestep halfway in front of Val so that Mills can’t see what she’s holding. “Uh-huh, yes. We were hired to catch someone trying to steal these things, and you know, they need to up their security. Yeah, those vents, they need to check out the vents. Uh-huh. Yes.”

CAMERON: As Xianna’s talking and Mills is relaxing, Karma’s gonna go over and lift up the cage again (laughs), so that everybody else can get out.

NICK: Because he was on the other side of the cage.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. At this point HK snaps around the corner and his gun starts charging. “Tactical Statement: Suppressing fire.” He’s about to shoot. Do you stop him?

CAMERON: Yeah, I’m gonna stop him.

LAURA: “Hank! Do not shoot him, Hank!”

CAMERON: I’m gonna hold up a hand. “Hank, stop. Agh! Gosh darn it, Xianna. You got me calling him Hank. HK, stop!” (laughs)

LAURA: “It is Hank. Heh.”

NICK: Xianna said it first, ‘hey, Hank, don’t shoot him.’ “Statement: This is not a sufficient order from a secondary user. Please see an administrator.” And then Karma said no, no, stop, and so he powers down. “Disappointed sigh.”

LAURA: “Sorry about that, Mills. The company that hired us wanted additional, you know, backup for us and gave us this droid, but I think the droid is broken too. You know, budget cuts, you know how that works.”

CAMERON: “I think it’s just been a little bit too long between memory wipes. He’s getting real murderous.”

LAURA: “Yes. You know they need to wipe them every so often or else they get personalities and things like that, you know.”

NICK: “Statement: I resemble that remark.”

CAMERON: Resemble? (laughs)

NICK: Mills just shrugs and slaps his gun over his shoulder. “Well, I’m gonna go see who put down all these people. I guess it was your prisoner here, but there’s a bunch of dead stormtroopers in the hall.”

LAURA: “There’s people?”

CAMERON: Karma walks forward and peeks. “Holy kriff!” (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, it’s just smoldering. It looks like Uncle Ben and Aunt Beru from New Hope.

SEVERAL: Oh no! (laughs)

NICK: They’re just frickin roasted. The armor is all splattered against the wall in melted drips. It’s like an anti-army weapon they used in a hallway. This is not good.

AUSTIN: (smiling) With all the doors shut.

NICK: Mills didn’t seem, like… The reason you had this calm conversation is he was like “yeah, I’ve seen some stuff. Whatever. I guess I’ll go file a report or whatever, but I hope to see you around soon.”

CAMERON: “Totally. We should get lunch!”

NICK: he just kinda shrugs. “By the way, the wall you breached through, we haven’t vented any of the atmo yet so you should be able to get back to your ship.” He just kind of winks and walks away.

CAMERON: “Thanks buddy!”

LAURA: “Bye! Thank you!”

CAMERON: (smiling) And off we go~

NICK: And you have to step through this flaming hellscape that you have created. You’re able to get back down the hallway. The security has mostly been disabled. All of the airlocks are open and there’s air everywhere, so that didn’t really come up which is cool. You’re able to get back to the ship. Tink is waiting right there.

LAURA: “Ello Tink.”

HUDSON: “Hey guys!”

CAMERON: “Hey!”

LAURA: “How did it go?”

HUDSON: “Pretty swell. I got some really interesting documents I want to show y’all later.”

LAURA: “Oh cool. We can sell them for money.”

CAMERON: “Oh, really?!” Karma’s putting her suit back on.

LAURA: “I hope they are proprietary secrets.”

HUDSON: “I mean, maybe, but…”

LAURA: “We can sell those.”

HUDSON: “You’re all about money, aren’t you?”

LAURA: “yes I am! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

NICK: We get everybody bounce-hustling their way back to the ship that’s stuck to the side. As you take off we get the view of the cockpit of Karma flying. Val, are you in the co-pilot seat or are you messing with the engines?

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’m in the co-pilot seat right now.

NICK: Okay. As soon as you pick off you hear, “This is the ISS Sickle. Unidentified ship containing George Jetson, please wait. We’ve heard sounds of a disturbance and we really need you to stay around. We need your report.”

AUSTIN: I set the bombs off.

NICK: Yeah?

(laughter)

AUSTIN: “That sounds like my cue!”

LAURA: “Boom!”

NICK: (explosion noises) And the captain says, “Ship, stop now. Whoever you are, there’s been some sort of attack. Stop now.” All of the turbo lasers are pointing towards you. We’re gonna resolve this cinematically, because ship rules… fuck that. I think what happens is Karma does some fancy flying to get around it, and the Sickle gets into the route that you need to hyperspace jump back to the labs, and you get a chance to shoot the turbo laser at this star destroyer. What is Val’s response to there is a big old star destroyer right in your flight path?

AUSTIN: I hit the green button… (laughing) and then I run back in to the power reactor core and start hitting things, getting it ready to charge to be able to survive that shot.

NICK: Yeah. You’re insulating stuff, rerouting power. The engines start to sputter out.

AUSTIN: I think turbo lasers are just a whole bunch of capacitors, so it’s just drawing all of the power out of the engine while that thing charges up.

NICK: Yeah, so the ship’s still moving but it starts to jutter a little. We get Tink—Are you involved in watching this mechanical mayhem that’s going on?

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m just kind of observing.

NICK: ‘Seems fine. Oh, don’t forget that one, that might make us die.’ Karma, we get your flying and you see there’s a trigger on the yolk that’s covered with glass, and you flip it up and the button that you can hit starts glowing green, and that means you can shoot.

CAMERON: I’ma punch it!

NICK: Okay. The whole ship actually—

AUSTIN: (heavy crunch)

NICK: Yeah. It’s not a big ship. This is like a minivan covered in guns with a World War II artillery piece strapped to the side of it. The whole ship’s forward momentum is negated by the shot. It just stops.

AUSTIN: Goes off in a spin because it’s off-center.

NICK: Yeah, it starts to spin a little. It pierces the shields and the armor of the star destroyer. It doesn’t kill it, it doesn’t core it out, but it does enough damage that the captain starts peeling off. He’s like I don’t know what the heck that was, but this is too much and if I lose the ship I lose my commission. We see it start to drift with sparks going everywhere as it backs away. There’s a line of explosions along the left side of the ship. And your way is clear, so you get it back under control, and you punch it, and you go back.

The next scene is you all in Val’s lab having successfully completed your heist.

ALL: Yay~

LAURA: “Okay, so uh, you will join Sentinel’s team or whatever? I don’t really know what he wanted from you.”

AUSTIN: “But did you see the turbo laser?”

LAURA: “I did.. It was big and—“

AUSTIN: “It was SO COOL!”

LAURA: “It made a big pew, pew-pew-pew, lasers everywhere. Yes. Great.”

AUSTIN: “That’s the first time I’ve seen a ship live through it.”

CAMERON: “I mean, it was a star destroyer.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh… Huh.”

AUSTIN: “I always hit like cruisers and frigates and they just kind of explode.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “Yup, but you know, even the victory class star destroyers are pretty kriffin’ large.”

LAURA: “yes. So anyways, you will work for Sentinel? Take his job? I am sure the reason he is hiring you is so that you can blow things up. Blow more things up. I heard there was something about an Imperial shipyard to blow things up in.”

HUDSON: “Additionally, do you want to get caf later?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Yes, are you single? Are you single or what?”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I’m currently single, but you’re not really my type.”

LAURA: “Okay. No problem. What about Tink?”

HUDSON: “Oh…”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, neither of you.”

HUDSON: “Aww…”

LAURA: “Okay. That is fine. You blow things up for Sentinel?”

AUSTIN: “Tell him to give me a call back.”

LAURA: “yes, of course. We will do that. Yes.”

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Xianna’s just gonna wander around and she finds a piece of machinery, and there’s a button on it, and it’s gonna do the whole “oh, what is this button?!” (laughs)

CAMERON: (smiling) No~!

LAURA: And starts going to press it, and everyone is like NO~!

NICK: (smiling) And then we zoom out, and then you just see a plume of fire go out through one of the ship ports, and that will be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Wee!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 30:
The Imperial Job

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

(musical chimes)

Hi, I’m Sydney and I play Valorissia Creed, a human technician. I was going by an old name and pronouns during this recording and also using a rather different voice at the time. So while we have left the audio as originally recorded, I would request that you use my current name and pronouns, she/her, when discussing the episode. Thanks!

(musical chimes)

Friends, space aliens, country folk… we here at Tabletop Squadron are just ecstatic with the support we’ve gotten lately. We’ve reached our first goal, and our celebration of $69 – Nice! – stream is going to be on April 28, 2019. There will be a ton of information coming out of our Twitter, website, and social media, so if you wanna watch us eat pizza and be excited and play games, tune in.

We are currently $11 from our next goal. It’s a big one. If we hit that point we’ll cover our hosting fees and our overhead for providing transcriptions which makes the podcast a lot more sustainable. If you feel the urge, we’d be honored to have you as Patrons.

Speaking of which, we have some more Patrons we would like to thank. Alice Tobin, thank you so, so much for your support, you get space ice cream. Aaron J Amendola, hey! Aaron is supportive and awesome and made a super cool game that made me sing in public. We like Aaron. Thank you Aaron. Chris Grant, thank you for supporting the squad. May your hyperdrive be always full of that sweet, sweet fuel. Zachary Tabor, thank you, your support means the world to all of us, you rock. Kyle Thomas, woo! Thank you! You’re helping keep the lights on, and I hope that light’s a little super nova in your soul… like in a good way, not a catastrophic chest explosion. Jules Cunningham, thanks! I like the way your brain works. I feel like if you were in Star Wars you’d be a member of the Cantina band. MolarDuck, you’ve been there since the beginning. You helped me brainstorm podcast titles in a Twitch chatroom. Yes, I still remember that. Thank you for your support from the bottom of our seven Nautolan hearts.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us and will support us in the future.

Additional music this week is In suspense by psychadelik pedestrian, pocket zombie by Flex Vector, and hard fight by manuel senfft.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode number 30! My name is Nick and I’ll be your game master today, subbing in for your normal game master, Nick. It’s a joke because it’s the same guy.

CAMERON & HUDSON: (false enthusiastic laughter)

LAURA: … Stop it.

(laughter)

NICK: (smiling) We’re gonna go around the table real quick. Everybody introduce themselves and say who they’re playing today, starting with Austin!

AUSTIN: Hi, I’m Austin! I am playing Valorissia Creed, a Human technician.

NICK: Hey~ He’s our special guest this week. Oh boy!

CAMERON: What-what!

NICK: Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got… Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Acceptable. Last but not least we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I am playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Yup. I think that’s it.

NICK: Yup. Radiant. Like I said at the beginning of last episode, you all do the summary if you’re so smart. (smiling) What happened last episode?

AUSTIN: Last episode, I punched Tink repeatedly, and he hugged me.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: Xianna bet 20 Credits on Valerissa. She encouraged the fight. I do have in my notes, because I made them fight, oopsies, and then under that, but I won. So I won money. We determined that bluegrass is called either bluejizz or jizzgrass. We got Valerissa to agree to work out something, and then we’re gonna do something…

CAMERON: We never introduced ourselves.

LAURA: We never introduced ourselves to her.

CAMERON: Besides HK.

LAURA: Xianna had some drinks, and…

CAMERON: We’re still saying her name wrong.

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Valorissia.

CAMERON: Sentinel told us Valerissa, and she has not corrected us yet. (laughs)

LAURA: So what is it?

AUSTIN: Valorissia. It has an I, an extra I at the end.

LAURA: Oh…

NICK: It’s been wrong this whole time.

LAURA: Yeah, Nick…

CAMERON: Well, Sentinel.

AUSTIN: Sentinel. I’m sure that had nothing to do with why I hung up on him.

CAMERON: (giggles) ‘No. You don’t even care enough to know my damn name.’

NICK: Click.

AUSTIN: It probably didn’t make a difference. (laughing) I wasn’t gonna be in a good mood anyway.

HUDSON: Last episode, Tink may have fallen in love.

(laughter)

LAURA: And fallen down.

HUDSON: I definitely fell down a number of times. I am hurting a little bit. My ribs are bruised.

LAURA: And then we got brought into Valorissia’s workshop.

HUDSON: And we said (emphatically) ‘what the heck?!’

NICK: Yup. What a great and complete overview. And now for the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One light side.

AUSTIN: Two light side.

LAURA: Two light side.

CAMERON: (gasps)

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh…

NICK: Yes! High-five, Hudson! Alright, so we’re gonna kick off the episode. (laughs) We start with Valorissia flipping on the lights and revealing the laboratory/workshop where she spends her time, and the rest of the squad all looking around and saying ‘what the heck?’ Austin, why don’t you describe what Valorissia’s workshop looks like?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s a big garage thing. There’s basically piles of random junk just all over the place. There’s pathways between everything. The piles look organized by category but not in the pile, it’s just piles of ‘related to gun parts.’ There’s several open bays that have a door that opens out to space. It looks like there’s really only two ships that have a pathway to get out, and everything else is in various amounts of disarray. Then there’s also an office over in a corner that’s got a desk and behind that a bunk.

NICK: Cool. Is it well lit, dimly lit?

AUSTIN: It’s well lit.

NICK: Cool. One thing I’m gonna add to your workshop here, there’s a cleared out area where the piles around it are pretty tall, like head height, and there is a clear, stainless durasteel workbench there with a rolled up blueprint. The five of you, HK stumbling behind, as you’re getting close HK stops by a pile of droid parts and says, “Lamentation: My fallen brothers,” but without actually looking at it, and continues on.

HUDSON: (chuckles)

NICK: Val gets to the table and spreads out the blueprint and you see a very large research facility. Do you want to give a background on what the facility is?

AUSTIN: Sure. “So what we’re looking for here… This is a Kuat drive yard’s research lab. It’s somewhere around here, and I’ve got coordinates somewhere but I’m not an astrogator. Basically they’ve got something deep in this lab that I want. I’m a power engineer by trade, I ended up out here anyway, but I just like power. Power comes from explosions, and if you can do an explosion right and it stays in the reactor then you can power your ship! So, what I want to go do is I want to get in here and I want to take their experimental power core that someone, somehow let slip, and I want to break in and take it and bring it back here and build something crazy out of it.”

LAURA: “Okie.” Xianna’s just immediately looking on the blueprints. “Where are the cameras? Where are air vents? Points of access?” And if there’s a pen or anything she’s marking little things and just little notes that don’t really make a whole lot of sense, it’s just weird little symbols. Sometimes it’ll just be a frowny face and then other times little happy faces in certain areas.

NICK: So, now we get to get into me trying to make heist mechanics work in Edge of the Empire. There’s a couple of things here. Val knows the three main security protocols that are for this space station. There’s one I’m going to add at the beginning, which is that this power source is in the main vault of this facility. The main vault is 40 floors below the rest of the complex. The elevator is behind a cage, then there’s an eye scanner to get on an elevator, then there’s an elevator that has cameras watching it, then there’s a pressure-sensitive hallway leading to the vault, and then there’s a combination to get into the vault. That is where your goal is, this experimental power source. That is one of the security measures. There’s a big research facility, there’s lots of labs and things on the main floor, and then there’s this shaft going all the way down, and the blueprints start to be done in pen because that part wasn’t blueprinted out when they built it, and you can see this big—it basically looks like they took a giant reactor core off a capital ship and hollowed it out so it’s got really thick shielding and they use that to store stuff. It’s in there. What are the other security measures?

AUSTIN: “Yeah, so it turns out this rock that it’s in is kind of magnetic, so there’s no signals that can get out of it. Once you go into it you can’t talk out, so you can’t call for a pickup or anything.”

CAMERON: “Great.”

LAURA: “But you can talk within?”

AUSTIN: “You can talk inside, yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. We can work with that.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

AUSTIN: “And then the labs are all distributed almost randomly around the thing. All the hallways between the labs are kept drained of atmosphere. They only fill with atmosphere when someone’s walking through them, so the guys go through an airlock and then go half way down the hall, airlock, the rest of the way down, airlock, and they’re always empty unless there’s a scientist in them.”

LAURA: “Okay. Do they keep track of which rooms currently are filled with atmosphere?”

AUSTIN: “I’d assume so.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Yeah. I mean, I figured, but…”

AUSTIN: “Someone probably cares. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Someone cares.”

AUSTIN: “I mean, it’s done automatically. It’s not a person controlling the airlocks, but a droid brain is probably paying attention.”

LAURA: “So, Tink will have to figure that out. We will have to have Tink in. you will take care of that. … Okay.” Xianna’s just flipping through things and saying a lot of words of like, “okay, I do not think a Nautolan switcheroo will work for this one.”

CAMERON: (snorts)

LAURA: “We might have to do a nerf and switch on this. Who knows, though.” Heh.

AUSTIN: “And the last thing is there’s two victory class star destroyers sitting, watching the outside where their sensors can cover almost all of the external of this station.”

LAURA: “Okay. No nerf and switch…”

AUSTIN: Because it’s a fairly small one. It’s an asteroid?

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: “So there’s probably holes, because there’s only two, but that’s still two. They’re small star destroyers. They’re only victory class.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Mm-hmm. Maybe a Corellian tangle… Maybe that one will work.”

NICK: I mean, this crew’s taken out a super star destroyer.

CAMERON: I took out a super star destroyer earlier this week. That went well.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Ish? I mean, relatively.

AUSTIN: You only blew up a herdship in retaliation.

CAMERON: Hey, you don’t know that. (laughs)

NICK: So, those are the main security protocols you all know about. What doesn’t make for fun listening is listening to everyone make every nuance of the plan and then going through it step by step playing, so I just want broad strokes of what you all are planning to do to get around those and how to get on the station in the first place, and then we’ll address it when we get closer to it. To counteract that, as more things happen we’re going to give you three opportunities to do flashbacks to say oh yeah, we knew about that and we planned for it, and here’s what we did, which will give you blue dice on your checks to get past those things. Sound good to everybody?

OTHERS: Yes.

LAURA: Rooms are de-atmosphered when not in use.

CAMERON: Atmo in hallways only when scientists in them. Two victory class star destroyers watching outside. When you’re in the vault you can’t communicate outside the vault.

AUSTIN: When you’re on the station at all.

CAMERON: The facility, okay.

NICK: Unless the ship parks inside, yeah.

AUSTIN: You can’t call HK for pickup or anything, yeah.

CAMERON: He’s coming with us.

NICK: He’s a terrible pilot.

CAMERON: He doesn’t need to breathe.

AUSTIN: Oh yeah, true.

NICK: Oh, that’s a fair point.

CAMERON: “I’m not concerned about the atmo. This guy doesn’t breathe.”

AUSTIN: “That’s quite convenient.”

CAMERON: “Isn’t it?”

LAURA: “Okay, but is he going to get down a pressure-sensitive hallway?”

NICK: “Lamentation: My poor whole plating will oxidize. Frowny face.”

CAMERON: “We’ll give you a nice oil bath afterwards.”

NICK: “Sassy statement: What do I look like, some sort of C3 unit?”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Question. Have you ever been in this hallway? What does the ceiling look like?”

AUSTIN: “I’ve never been to the station at all. I got this in an email from one of my contacts outside, because I’m always looking for fun stuff to go steal.”

NICK: The email is stuck to the workbench and it’s on the Kuat ship drive’s letterhead, and says FYI, XOXO, with no signature, and then has that list.

LAURA: XOXO, (whispers) Gossip Girl~!

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay. So, getting into the cage, probably not a problem. Getting into the vault combo lock, probably not a huge problem. The monitoring and the atmosphere, we will have to get Tink in, do that. Don’t pee on yourself this time.”

HUDSON: “I never peed on myself. Oh my gosh.”

AUSTIN: “I’m a little bit concerned.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. The eye scan… maybe. I don’t know if you can get that one, Tink.”

HUDSON: “Oh. I can get that one.”

LAURA: “We could also just, you know, steal an eyeball, steal a guy, keep the eyeball in him? I don’t know. I don’t think Karma would like us taking the eyeball out.”

CAMERON: Karma is making a face, much like Cameron was just making, as Laura said that.

(laughter)

LAURA: “We will all have to go into the com facility. Tink, you usually pretend to be maintenance. People do not care about the maintenance people as much, tend to get in easier.”

AUSTIN: “You guys know that Kuat is an Imperial run company? They only really use Humans.”

LAURA: “Oh shit.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: “You know, they didn’t mind when we used that same trick on the star destroyer.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Well no, so on the star destroyer we did get arrested on purpose.”

CAMERON: “Tink didn’t, though.”

HUDSON: “I didn’t.”

LAURA: “Tink didn’t, but I think… Okay.”

AUSTIN: “This one is a research facility. It’s not a detention center. If you’re there you should be there. We’re gonna have a hard time getting probably anyone but me in the front door. You probably… I’m really good at talking to people, right Tink? And by Tink I mean big furry guy.”

CAMERON: (laughing) ‘Because I don’t know your name yet.’

HUDSON: “You don’t know my name yet.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Oh! Yes. Hi. That’s Tink,” Karma says pointing at Tink.

AUSTIN: “Hi Tink.”

HUDSON: “Hello.”

CAMERON: “That’s Xianna.”

LAURA: “Ello.”

CAMERON: “I’m Karma. You already met HK.”

AUSTIN: “Hi HK.”

CAMERON: “I suppose you could also call him Hank if you so desired.”

LAURA: “I call him hank.”

NICK: “Greeting: Hello.”

LAURA: “So, what is the air vent situation on this?”

AUSTIN: “We could look at the blueprint.”

LAURA: Are there air vents included? How big are they?

NICK: There are air vents. There are some that look crawlable. There are none of those convenient, comfortable crawling sizes, and there’s parts where it narrows to where you couldn’t get through, and there’s parts where there’s random laser grids and serrated blades and things.

LAURA: Oh. Yeah, whatever.

NICK: Obviously. That’s how air works.

AUSTIN: That’s how air works on a classified government run facility.

LAURA: They just need to be big enough for Xianna to get through.

NICK: Yeah. There are parts where you could use that.

CAMERON: “Sorry, and you’re Valerissa Sentinel said?”

AUSTIN: “For one, it’s Valorissia Creed…”

CAMERON: “Oh, I can see why that—Okay.”

AUSTIN: “…but only my mom and the government call me that. I’m Val.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Thank you.”

LAURA: “Val. Okay. Do you know what their emergency protocols are?”

AUSTIN: “Probably get the hell off the station.”

LAURA: “Okay. We can maybe work with that if we create a controlled explosion. You said you like explosions.”

AUSTIN: “Controlled explosion?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Yes, so that it is just in one area. Still an explosion blowing things up, but so that it is not where we need to go. Somewhere else.”

AUSTIN: I reach into the pile behind and hold up a shaped charge.

LAURA: “Exactly!”

AUSTIN: “I think I can help with this.” (laughs)

CAMERON: “From experience, when explosions do occur within Imperial facilities it does tend to also trigger lockdown as well as the evacuation.”

LAURA: “Yes, but if no one is there then we can actually get in, Tink can take care of that, I can get through…”

CAMERON: “That’s also when the stormtroopers tend to show up.”

LAURA: “That is what you do. You and Hank, you go take care of that. You will be the lookout. You will be the hitter. You stay there. You hit people, with your guns.”

CAMERON: “Alright Hank, I might be finding you some organics.”

LAURA: “And then we get Tink into the control room, he controls things, and then I break into the cage, I scan, maybe we knock someone out for that one. Elevator, we can deal with that. It’s monitored, but Tink can you know control the feed.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

LAURA: “Pressure-sensitive hallway? Eh. It’s already in lockdown, so as long as it’s filled with atmosphere maybe I can get on the ceiling depending on what the ceiling looks like. And then the vault combo lock, you know, between me and Tink we can probably get into that.”

AUSTIN: “Or we could just blow it up.”

LAURA: “Or we could just blow it up!”

AUSTIN: “I think any of these walls we could just blow up. We just need to do it really fast.”

LAURA: “yes. If we time things out we can get in and get out probably…” How long do you think if someone was just straight walking through, like how long are these hallways?

NICK: Like for each hallway?

LAURA: yeah, like getting into the cage, eye scan, elevator, hallway… vault.

AUSTIN: From the front door all the way to the thing down.

CAMERON: And then the 40 story elevator ride.

LAURA: Just the physical time it would take to walk through it and then back up.

NICK: Well that depends, how are you planning on getting onto the station in the first place?

AUSTIN: Is that room in the middle of the asteroid?

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay.

LAURA: How long it would take you from being in the facility, getting down to the vault, getting back up… Like, how long are these hallways?

NICK: Are you running or walking?

LAURA: Both, like a combination. Is this a 10 minute thing or is this like 30 minutes? How long are the hallways?

NICK: It’s like a 10 minute thing.

LAURA: “Okay. So you know, in and out we could probably do under 15. Depending on how far away the stormtroopers are, how long it takes them to mobilize, we might be able to do that.”

CAMERON: “There are two victory class star destroyers. They’re not gonna take long to mobilize.”

LAURA: “Yes, but they have to get them into the ships and then get the ships onto the… whatever asteroid it is, and then…”

CAMERON: “I think the Empire is far more organized than you’re giving them credit for.”

LAURA: “Are they though?!” (laughs)

CAMERON: “Yeah. They move fast.” (laughs)

AUSTIN: “Also, there’s a room in this facility that says Stormtrooper Barracks.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Also we blow that up.”

CAMERON: “There’s gonna be a contingency on-planet.”

NICK: Austin read my poker face. (laughs)

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: “Maybe we have many explosions. We blow them up in their barracks, we—“

AUSTIN: “No, I told you, big explosions not mini explosions.”

LAURA: “Okay, but again, we have to get out. We have to not get exploded.”

CAMERON: “Val, she said many, not mini.”

LAURA: “So many.”

AUSTIN: “Many explosions. Oh! Oh yeah. I can do that.”

LAURA: “Many explosions!”

CAMERON: “Tink has issues with her accent too.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

LAURA: “So we explode the barracks, we explode maybe some of the entrances…” Looking at the plans, are there any air vent systems that would be big enough for us to get into the facility?

CAMERON: Big enough for Tink to get into the facility. (laughs)

LAURA: For Tink to crawl through, even if it is just getting in a few feet. He only has to come into the building and not use a main door.

NICK: So, here’s a sci-fi question for you, and it’s gonna come off sarcastic. Why would the air vents lead to vacuum?

LAURA: Because they have to… So coming from a science background—

NICK: Yeah, that’s why.

LAURA: –working under a fume hood for chemicals, it may be a thing where they have to vent out fumes.

NICK: Like a two foot exhaust port that leads to—

LAURA: Like a two meter exhaust port—

CAMERON: Two meter? (laughs)

AUSTIN: Whoa boy.

LAURA: Well no, what is it? It’s like…

NICK: Oh, it is two meters wide.

LAURA: It’s two or three, the size of a womp rat.

AUSTIN: The death star, yeah.

CAMERON: It’s only two meters wide, a small exhaust pipe.

NICK: That’s a big ass womp rat.

AUSTIN: That’s why you can shoot it from your star fighter.

LAURA: It’s not much bigger than a womp rat. I’ve been watching a lot of Leverage lately. (laughing) Full disclosure, a lot of Leverage.

CAMERON: You have to land a precise hit.

NICK: I picked a good time to do a heist episode.

LAURA: You picked a great time to do a heist one. So yeah, just a vent that maybe they use to vent fumes out into space. Maybe a safety protocol one, or even if it doesn’t initially vent out into space, if there’s one that skims the surface close enough that we could…

NICK: Like cut into it?

LAURA: Cut into it.

NICK: If you flip me a light side point you can cut into one. That will get you into the facility.

LAURA: Xianna’s looking at the plans and goes, “Okay, so this air vent is big enough for Tink and the rest of us to get through, and it skims the surface enough that we can setup a small little atmosphere bubble, cut into it, get into the facility, and then we can blow the doors with explosions. That would make it harder for the stormtroopers to get in, and since we’re already blowing up the stormtroopers inside the facility, no stormtroopers!”

CAMERON: “Wait. You wanna blow up the doors out into the vacuum?”

LAURA: “No, no, no. Not necessarily blow it up so that they are like…”

CAMERON: “Just so they’re not operational anymore, not like busting through the doors?”

LAURA: “So they’re not operational. Also, most of those ones are, you know, a double door situation, so to create a—“

CAMERON: “Or they have the shield.”

LAURA: What is it? There’s a name for the, when there’s a door that opens, you go in, atmosphere, then the next door.

OTHERS: Airlock.

LAURA: “Well most of them are double doors for an airlock, so if you just blow up the first door then it makes it much harder to get in, because one there is rubble and then two there is no airlock anymore, so it makes it more difficult to get in because they don’t want to depressurize the whole building… so you just blow up the first door, and many rocks, many explosions, maybe some—well, no fire, because no atmosphere. But rocks, rubble, distraction! We will come in through the air vent and we will get in, we will get Tink to the computer room. Val will blow up more things.”

AUSTIN: “Heheh.”

LAURA: ‘Karma and Hank will take care of anyone who does try to get us. We will get into the cage, steal someone for the eye scan, then the elevator, then I will figure out the pressure-sensitive hallway, and then combo lock. Maybe I get it, maybe we blow it up. Who knows!”

HUDSON: “Just have a few guesses at first.”

LAURA: “We’ll figure it out as we go. You know, keep things fluid. Heh. Room to improvise!”

HUDSON: “So, this is a question for the crew and for Val especially. There’s Humans only in this base, so would you like me to shave myself all over, to…”

LAURA: “Oh no Tink, please do not do that.”

CAMERON: (wincing, laughing) “No, please don’t. Please don’t.”

LAURA: “I once saw a shaved Wookie and I will never unsee it.”

HUDSON: “It could just look like a Human who’s been through a lot.”

LAURA: “You know. You will look like a gigantic penis.”

CAMERON: (snorts)

AUSTIN: “That doesn’t sound exactly like it would be passable as a Human.”

LAURA: “No. You are too tall. Also, you can’t speak Basic without your translator, so you would just be a giant penis running around going AGGHHH.”

HUDSON: “No. No, I could pass it off as—“

CAMERON: “No, that’s not fair. He sounds more like bus breaks.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. It sounds more like (whining growl noise).”

HUDSON: “I could easily pass that off as something that…”

LAURA: “Again, Tink, we are gonna do more of a smash and grab situation. If we see a Human, pew-pew, okay?”

HUDSON: “Okay. Wait, whoa, o! Swish-slash!”

LAURA: “For you swish-slash, for me pew-pew. One we will have to take for an eye scan. So, look, I know Karma does not approve of this, but if they are already dead just, you know, scoop-plop, take the eyeball.” Heh.

NICK: That is definitely an entire chapter in Becoming Medicine, how to take an eyeball from a corpse.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Ew.

LAURA: You use a grapefruit spoon!

HUDSON: “Yeah but, for the sake of ethics, we would need to look at their identification card to see if they’re a donor.”

LAURA: “Tink, you went to an Imperial school. They automatically sign you up.”

HUDSON: “You’re right. Alright. This is fine then.”

LAURA: “So we just need to make sure that they have access.”

CAMERON: “But you don’t know if they’re a contractor or not, so you need to check and see if they have the little heart on their badge.”

HUDSON: “Why don’t I try to hack it first?”

LAURA: “We can try to hack it first. We will get you to the hacking room, you can see what you do, and then we will go from there, okay?”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “I’m just saying, I have no issues taking an eyeball out of a dead body.”

HUDSON: Out of character, I really hope I get a triumph, because I can do so much badass shit if I get a triumph.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: We will do everything possible!

NICK: On the hacking or on the Medicine check?

CAMERON: Uh, on the eyeball popping check.

AUSTIN: (laughs) Two triumphs.

HUDSON: On the hacking.

NICK: You’ll get multiple tries, because there’s different systems in there.

CAMERON: Xianna’s very focused on the ‘okay, this is how we’re getting in.’ She’s very much in the blueprints.

LAURA: She’s still marking on the blueprints. She’s just all over the place X-ing things out, circling things, making paths, smiley faces, winking faces. One section has a taco emoji, you don’t know how that happened, you don’t know what it means, but it’s there. She’s just like in her zone marking things.

CAMERON: “Val, what was your plan for getting there?”

LAURA: “Oh yes, we have to get there.”

AUSTIN: “I am so glad you asked.” I do the Wheel of Fortune gesture over one shoulder. “I’ve got two ships here that are currently in working order. The first one,” I point to the right side, “this one is the Morning Sunshine. It’s a WR542 Shooting Star.” I’m describing physical description out of character now. It kind of looks like an A-Wing that you scaled up to be the size of almost a small freighter. It can fit like ten passengers in it. It’s pure white paint with a bunch of greenish-blue and then purple geometric designs all over it. It looks really pretty.

LAURA: “Okay. Okay nice.”

NICK: We get a sweeping 360 camera shot and then splash are that says Morning Sunshine!

AUSTIN: “So this ship is super fast, it’s super maneuverable, it’s so much fun to drive,” and by drive I mean fly because we’re in Star Wars. “It handles great in atmosphere, and it’s even got a couple of guns on it for … something.”

LAURA: “Question. Please don’t touch my blueprints. I am working… Question. How does it handle not in atmosphere?”

AUSTIN: “Even better. It’s got a .5 class hyperdrive. It’s a courier ship, so it’s really good at getting you to places where you don’t want the guys to get what you’re carrying.”

NICK: Systematically, .5 class hyperdrives aren’t even in the Edge of the Empire system, like the fastest ones are 1s, so it’s very fast.

LAURA: “Okay. Does it have any stealthy things to it? Because it looks very bright and pretty, but…”

AUSTIN: “No! It’s for pure speed.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “I can handle this part. I can go into the coms and we can pretend like we are an Imperial ship.”

LAURA: “No. Look at that, Tink. That is not an Imperial ship. It has paint on it.”

HUDSON: “We can say that we’ve been through stuff.”

LAURA: “No!”

CAMERON: “It’s not a boring gray color. You can’t just yell we’ve been through stuff. We gained a personality.”

LAURA: “You would be like we got a very fun paint job? No, that is how you get executed in the Empire. Putting on your own fun paint color? No~”

CAMERON: “Alright. What’s the other ship?”

AUSTIN: “Well, the other option, this is the one I really like. It’s the Stubborn As Hell. I call him Stubs.” (others giggle) This is a Skipray blastboat, so it’s like a really big star fighter. It’s all gray. It’s got a bunch of scars. There’s no paint on it. There’s actually paint on the other side that you can’t see, but on the side that you’re on there is a giant turbo laser basically duct taped to the side of it, and it reaches from the back of the ship and past the cockpit so you can see it out the cockpit, it blocks part of your view. “So this is the Stubborn As Hell. It used to be a Skipray. I kind of replaced all of the reactor tech with my own… so I was able to power a turbo laser. Now, I had to rip off all the missiles, but it’s a turbo laser!”

LAURA: “Okay. Okay. How sneaky is it?”

AUSTIN: “Not at all!”

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: “But it’s still really fast, and I can put a hole in a star destroyer with it… because it’s a turbo laser.”

LAURA: Which one is smaller?

NICK: They’re both the same size. They’re Silhouette 4.

LAURA: “Um… Maybe the one without the paint? If they look outside they won’t see it as much? It might blend in better?”

AUSTIN: “You know it has a turbo laser on it…”

(laughter)

LAURA: “It does have a turbo laser, but I’m thinking it is less easy to see mat gray than it is to see bright white and fun colors.””

NICK: Well, and in space, visual confirmation almost never happens.

AUSTIN: Have you done the 360 pan around it?

NICK: I haven’t yet. So, we get the camera doing the 360 pan around…

AUSTIN: On the other side that’s not the turbo laser, where there would normally be your graphic pin-up girl, there is a girl on the side of the ship but it’s Taylor Swift just with her arms crossed making a scowl.

(laughter)

NICK: (smiling) And it comes back around and it says Taylor Swi—and then that gets scribbled out and says Stubs!

CAMERON: It does the thing when you’re in a video game and you’re picking which car you’re gonna drive and it’s doing the spinning thing for both of the ships, and they’re on the lit up platforms. ‘Choose your ship~’

AUSTIN: “I have like eight half-built uglies in the corner and we can fly X-TIEs and Y-TIEs and XYs and Z-Wings and—“

LAURA: “Okay, but are there any that we can fly in without being detected?”

AUSTIN: “If we fly fast enough, or we blow holes in everything that can detect us.”

LAURA: “Okay… Maybe we just go fast enough… I think I am going to take everything inside the building. I will figure this all out. Tink and Karma, and I guess Hank too, you figure out how we are going to get to the building because I don’t fucking know.” Heh.

HUDSON: “Hey, HK.”

NICK: “Answer: yes?”

HUDSON: “How do you think we should be stealthy and get onto the asteroid?”

NICK: “Annoyed Statement: What part of my skills and personality makes you think I’m qualified to answer that?”

HUDSON: “I don’t know you very well right now, so you can just get that snippy attitude and take it right out of here.”

CAMERON: “HK, I appreciate your snippy attitude. Why don’t you look at the blueprints with Xianna and pick a defensible location near the elevator for you laying down, cover fire, if the stormtroopers show up while people are still in the vault?”

NICK: HK starts to walk away, and as he approaches Xianna you hear him say, “Musing: I wonder how many organics I can vent with this weapon.”

LAURA: Xianna actually starts explaining blueprints to him. “And you see, okay. So over here where there is this thing, if you were to create an explosion it would come back, so you could get more people that way. And you see over here, there is this window, you could shoot through that one,” and is actually telling him about the blueprint and how that might make him shoot people better.

NICK: This is all from by Tink, Karma and Val. The camera shot is long towards them. You hear HK say, “Character Analysis: You are very good at murdering people in underhanded ways. I like you.”

LAURA: “Yes. You see this symbol? That means it’s a door. You see this symbol? That means a window. This symbol is for refreshers, so you know, that is where—Well you don’t have to do that, but…”

NICK: “Commentary: I only have lights for eyes, but I would be rolling them right now.”

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: “Well, just letting you know, there are ways you can kill people in a refresher. You can drown them I guess. I don’t know. There are things you can pick up and hit them with, you can hide things in there, but do remember there are always hidden coms in the refresher. You have to find them usually behind the toilet. For some reason the Empire always bugs the refresher.”

NICK: “Reassurance: I am well aware of their policy with paper towel dispensers and refreshers.”

LAURA: “Good…”

(laughter)

NICK: So, we’ll cut away from that to the other three standing by the ships. Very lightly in the background you hear (musically) ‘Cruisin’~’ … because that was the best arcade game for cars. Anyway!

LAURA: Heh. Some light jizz.

CAMERON: “Alright. So Val, tell me about these ships.”

AUSTIN: “Both of these ships are pretty much the same speed in vacuum.”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

AUSTIN: “The Morning Sunshine is much faster in atmosphere, but I don’t think we have to go in atmosphere on this mission, so realistically unless we’re expecting to get chased back out of hyperspace I don’t think the hyperdrive difference is gonna make a difference, and we should just take Stubs… because we can put holes in things.”

CAMERON: “That is true. Alright, talk to me about the handling. You said one was more fun to drive. Is that because it drives Better?”

AUSTIN: “The Morning Sunshine is significantly—If I was gonna rate them on a scale, I would say that the Morning Sunshine is a +1 and Stubs is a -1.” (laughs)

CAMERON: “Okay.” (laughs)

NICK: The Afternoon Delight is like a -2, right?

CAMERON: (laughing) Yeah! The Afternoon Delight is a -2 handling, because it’s a fucking giant boat!

LAURA: It’s a pleasure yacht. It’s a party boat! We have a hot tub.

CAMERON: It wasn’t meant to maneuver good.

AUSTIN: “Stubs’s armor is significantly better, it’s twice as good… on a scale of 2 versus 4.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: “I do appreciate the better armor and  appreciate the being able to fire back and actually do damage.”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, so Morning Sunshine only has a couple of laser turrets, Stubs has triple linked ion cannons and a laser turret and the god damn turbo laser.”

CAMERON: “Damn!” (laughs) “Alrighty. I’m leaning Stubs.”

AUSTIN: “And it also even has a small tractor beam, because I use it to pick up salvage. I don’t think that’s gonna assist in this mission, unless we happen to decide to blow that asteroid up, and then we can hope that we didn’t blow up that impossible to find power core inside. I’ve tried that before and I couldn’t find it. It was very sad.”

HUDSON: “You know, if you like explosions then I like explosions. I say we go with Stubby Stubs.”

CAMERON: “yeah. I think the likelihood of us destroying both star destroyers, and the asteroid, and then successfully locating the part you’re after is very low. I’m not a droid so I can’t prove you the exact probability there, but not thinking good.”

AUSTIN: “Well actually, Morning Sunshine has an onboard droid intelligence, so if we wanted to go ask I’m sure he’d give it to us with six digits of zeroes first.”

CAMERON: “No, it’s okay. it’s always depressing.”

NICK: (laughs) We get a cut to the cockpit of the Morning Sunshine and there’s an equalizer display that’s doing voice sound waves, and you just hear an AI voice going, (musically) “Lonely… I’m so lonely…” and then we cut back.

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Alright. Practical question. If we take Stubs, can we park our ship in here?”

AUSTIN: “That should be fine. Sure. As long as you can maneuver it around. Can you fit in this bay?”

CAMERON: “Sure! Yeah.”

AUSTIN: Is its silhouette the same?

NICK: No.

CAMERON: “Our ship is the Afternoon Delight, and it—“ It does behave as a Silhouette 4, which means I should be able to park it here. (laughs)

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: It BEHAVES as one.

AUSTIN: Is that part of your upgrades?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: It LOOKS like a Silhouette 4 for targeting purposes.

CAMERON: (giggles) yeah.

NICK: It would fit. It’s not gonna fit well.

CAMERON: I just really want the Afternoon Delight to be parked next to the Morning Sunshine.

NICK: Yeah. That’s fair. It’ll fit, it just may knock over some of the piles of stuff, but you don’t have to tell Val that.

CAMERON: Okay. yeah, I love it.

LAURA: “Question. Do we have suits to go out into space?”

AUSTIN: “I have suits. You guys are on a ship. You should have suits in your ship.”

LAURA: “Do we? I don’t know. Oh, they might be in that one room.”

CAMERON: “Oh, they’re in the costume closet.”

LAURA: “They are? Okay.”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I’m really experienced at doing EVAs, because I have to go fix things on my ships a lot. Turns out when you put an oversized power in your ship and it starts shooting sparks whenever you turn the engines on you have to go fix things.”

LAURA: “Okay. We use Stubs. We get to the planet. I think at this point we will get the suits on. Val, and maybe someone else, will get explosives on the outer doors, and then some of us will setup a little atmo bubble, we will break into the vent. Then we all go into the vent after the explosions are placed.”

CAMERON: “Rewinding a little bit. How are we getting the ship past the two star destroyers?”

LAURA: “I don’t know! That was for you to figure out!”

AUSTIN: “We’re gonna blow them up! It’s got a turbo laser.”

LAURA: “We go real fast.”

AUSTIN: “Well, I can’t aim it, but I can guarantee that it’s gonna put a hole in the star destroyer.”

HUDSON & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh! Tink!”

HUDSON: “yes?”

LAURA: “Maybe say that some sort of maintenance thing is happening and so ignore the ship. That a new maintenance crew had to be hired and something is being fixed on the planet, and put in like a work order so it makes it look like our ship is the maintenance crew.”

HUDSON: “We said earlier I couldn’t do that.”

LAURA: “No, no, no. We can’t do that and we pretend to we are the crew, because they will notice we are not Humans, but if it is just for the ship they don’t see inside the ship, so just to get past the destroyers.”

HUDSON: “Okay. I can do that.”

LAURA: “This is just for the ship to land. Once we land we will be in the suits and no one will be looking anyways, because again, no one cares about maintenance.”

CAMERON: “We can be George Jetson.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma says holding up a code cylinder.

LAURA: “Oh, yes!”

NICK: And, camera wipe! (laughter) We get a quick shot of everyone piling into Stubs, the ship taking off, the Afternoon Delight being parked. It knocks a bunch of stuff over and barely fits at an angle with the landing pad stretched out. It’s a lot bigger and there wasn’t a ton of space. Then we see Karma coming out of that ship in an atmo suit holding the two other atmo suits that she has…

CAMERON: Boop-bwoop.

NICK: …locks it, and then the next thing we see is Stubs snapping out of hyperspace. It was a very short trip, it’s like half an hour. Turns out it was really close. All of this is taking place on the far reaches of the Outer Rim, almost to wild space, which if you’re not familiar with Star Wars.

LAURA: (snooty mocking)

NICK: Wild space is the part that’s like… Outer Rim is Tatooine and all the places that are really lawless. Wild space is literally lawless. There’s nobody out there. People just do whatever they want. It’s like international waters, but space. Isn’t that fun? There’s not a lot of it. Also, I think the Chiss are out there somewhere.

LAURA: The Chiss are out there somewhere.

AUSTIN: I thought they were in the unexplored regions.

LAURA: Yeah, but wild space is kind of merged into the unexplored areas.

NICK: So you do like wild space and then unexplored, but it’s kind of all slang for the same thing.

LAURA: But there’s no distinction, yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: It’s different EU writers calling it different things.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Wild space is like you can’t really hyperspace jump, and the Chiss base you also can’t but they have their beacons or whatever.

NICK: Yeah, it’s a whole thing. So the ship snaps out of hyperspace. The asteroid is almost perfectly spherical. You can see little bunkers and stuff sticking out, but it’s very obvious that a majority of this station is inside the rock, they carved it in. You can see some lighting that the top third or so seems to be the majority of the stuff. It’s like they only settled part of it, or like there’s a secret vault further in…

CAMERON: Bum-bum-BUM!

NICK: Ooh. And there are two victory class star destroyers, the Hammer and Sickle, that are on either side of this. (laughter and groaning) They’re in interlocking sensor grids to where there’s no way you’re gonna get to it without being seen. To illustrate that, what’s the ringtone for the coms on Stubs?

HUDSON: (hums Crazy Frog)

(laughter)

NICK: God damn it.

CAMERON: (hums Kim Possible stinger)

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: I was just picturing the fax noise, but that’s just me.

AUSTIN: Nah, I think it’s just like an air horn. I didn’t rig up something to really replace it, but I needed something on there, so like I don’t know!

NICK: Yeah, so you get a mechanical air horn that goes off.

LAURA: “Ahh! What is that? Are we dying?!”

AUSTIN: “That’s just the coms.”

LAURA: “Oh. Okay. We are not dying.”

AUSTIN: “It’s fine.”

LAURA: “Oh shit.” Heh.

NICK: Who’s flying? Val, are you flying or is Karma flying?

CAMERON: Karma’s flying.

NICK: You did enough test flying. You’re comfortable with the ship at this point.

AUSTIN: Yeah. I did an ask around the crew. I can okay pilot, but I’d much rather be able to go fix things and make things better if we need to.

NICK: There was an awkward scene of everyone just standing around in the cockpit and Val just kind of pointing at the chair and then walking away and karma shrugs and sits down.

AUSTIN: “Figure it out!”

LAURA: Tink and Xianna would have just been looking at Karma like, “you know how to fly. You fly? We don’t.”

CAMERON: (laughs) Karma’s like “It’s not my ship, I don’t know if Val wants to,” and then Val’s like ‘meh’ and walks away. “Alright! I guess it’s me.”

AUSTIN: “Just figure it out. I gotta get the reactor started and I gotta make sure it doesn’t blow up on us. I’m sure it hasn’t happened before.”

CAMERON: (nervously) “Great! Okay.” karma’s flipping switches and shit.

NICK: Okay. The com channel opens and you hear, “This is the ISS Sickle calling unidentified aircraft. You will be destroyed in the next 30 seconds as our weapons charge. What is your purpose here for our logs for ships destroyed? Thank you.”

LAURA: “Okay, so you got to send them the—“

AUSTIN: “SUP?! We’re here to visit the facility!”

LAURA: “You send them the code with the thing you are—“

AUSTIN: “And here’s that code! Give me the code.”

CAMERON: (laughing) karma plugs it in and sends it.

AUSTIN: “There!”

NICK: “Weapons charging at 75%.”

LAURA: “You are Officer George Jetson.”

AUSTIN: “I’m Officer George Jetson!”

NICK: “Why are there multiple people talking on your end?”

AUSTIN: “Shh! I’m the extra officer here!”

LAURA: I would be on a com or something, or whispering, so it’s not…

CAMERON: There’s not enough space in the cockpit for all of us. (laughs)

AUSTIN: No, there isn’t.

LAURA: So I would have just been like whispering, yeah.

AUSTIN: There’s a pilot and a co-pilot, and I think there’s like two extra seats back where the gunner and the coms are or something, or maybe there are two gunners. I don’t remember.

LAURA: Whatever it is, I would have set it up so that they couldn’t hear me talking to Val.

NICK: Right.

LAURA: “Okay. Say you are Officer George Jetson. You are here on a secret undercover mission.”

NICK: “We see here that you have clearance that does not match your ship. What…”

AUSTIN: “You ever heard of field acquisitions? This is a great ship.”

LAURA: “Say you are on an undercover mission!”

AUSTIN: “I’m on an undercover mission. Can’t you tell what undercover looks like?”

NICK: “Um… Please stand by,” and the coms click off.

LAURA: “Okay. That was not terrible, but it was not great. I would not even say it was good, but I think I can work with this.”

AUSTIN: “Karma, hit that green button. We might need the turbo laser.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Click.

NICK: And the whole ship starts to rattle and jitter and you hear this high-pitched whining and sparks start shooting everywhere. It’s probably fine. That was the Sickle that called, right?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: The Hammer is coming around the opposite side and all of the turbo lasers from these two things are pointed at you.

CAMERON: Karma cracks her neck and grabs onto the, I don’t know, the steering wheel.

AUSTIN: “I’m sure they’ll let us in. Just keep flying towards it.”

CAMERON: “Yep. That’s my plan.”

AUSTIN: “You said your credentials are great. That means I can do whatever I want.”

CAMERON: “(heavy exhale)”

LAURA: (nervously) “Maybe. We will see~ Okay… Let’s wait for them to get back to us. So far they haven’t—“

AUSTIN: I hit the button. I’m gonna call them back.

(laughter)

LAURA: “They haven’t shot us yet. You know what, be assertive. Good.”

AUSTIN: “Quit aiming your guns at us!”

NICK: (whining) “I’m sorry! Let me put the captain back on the line!”

Then there’s a break. “Unidentified ship!—“

AUSTIN: “Quit aiming your guns at us! This is an Imperial ship. I claimed it!”

NICK: “This is standard protocol.”

AUSTIN: “Now quit aiming your guns. Didn’t you see the clearance?!”

LAURA: “Say you are an, a very, an… enforcer!”

AUSTIN: “I’m on a very important mission. I need to get on that station right now, and you need to get out of the way!”

NICK: The captain says, “Oh, my goodness. You’re that George Jetson. My mistake, sir. My apologies, sir.” You can see the ships drifting back and the turbo lasers snap away very quickly. “We didn’t know. You didn’t tell us. Protocol is you’re supposed to give us a forewarning.”

AUSTIN: “That’s right. I’m George Jetson.”

LAURA: “But say that you could not give a warning because of the special undercover mission.”

AUSTIN: “Thanks for your time!” And I hang up.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh no… Okay. Thankfully that code is very good and they should listen to you anyways. Okay…”

NICK: The cannons click away and you’re clear to approach. Do you avoid the airlocks and go towards the weak point in the wall that you were planning to cut into? What is your plan?

LAURA: Yes. The plan was to land by where we’re gonna cut into for the vent, because we would need to put up a little bubble or something so that when we get in we can put atmo in there, because there’s no wall anymore.

CAMERON: We needed to grab a shield.

LAURA: So we would need to put a little shield bubble thing, so while Xianna and someone else was doing that Val and someone else was gonna put explosives on the main doors, so we would get out with our suits on…

NICK: Ah, okay.

LAURA: …and Xianna would start setting up the bubble with whoever else wants to setup the bubble, and then two other people and probably Hank would go around and put explosive devices by the doors.

NICK: Okay. You land on the side of the ship and you hear (air horns).

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: (air horns)

AUSTIN: (laughing) I hit the button again. “Say my name!”

(laughter)

LAURA: “You cannot be this assertive!”

NICK: (nervously) “Inspector… Inspector George Jetson.”

AUSTIN: “You’re god damn right!” And I hang back up again.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Oh my goodness! Oh, shit. If they call back just tell them you are on an undercover mission and to not worry about it. Just say to ignore you.”

NICK: (air horns)

AUSTIN: (laughing) I hit the button again.

NICK: “Um, Inspector Jetson, our extreme apologies—“

AUSTIN: “We’re on a secret mission! Can’t you see we’re trying to infiltrate this facility?!”

NICK: “This is our facility, sir…”

LAURA: “No! We are checking protocol!”

AUSTIN: I hang up again.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Oh my god. If they call back say you are checking security weak points and to just ignore our ship, and anyone… okay, okay…”

NICK: They don’t call back.

CAMERON: “Xianna, I would like to point out that it was your idea to have Val play the part of George Jetson.”

LAURA: “IT was my idea, but I didn’t think any of us could—“

AUSTIN: “They’re leaving us alone! I don’t see what your problem is.”

LAURA: (breathy) “Okay. Oh boy.”

AUSTIN: “The star destroyers are backing away. You just gotta be assertive with these guys.”

CAMERON: “Val, how do I turn this laser off?”

AUSTIN: Heh. “You hit the red button and then the purple button and then toggle those two switches over there, and then hit that green button.”

CAMERON: “Okay!” Ba-dum, toggle, toggle, plink.

NICK: It doesn’t turn off. It starts to power charge.

AUSTIN: “I’m gonna go walk back there and go deal with that.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma just hits the control panel.

NICK: Yeah. That, and then Val does that (clunk) trying to walk calmly but running very quick and cuts full power to the ship. The next thing we have is you all setting up your bubble and then a bunch of explosives all over the station. It sounds like some people are setting charges to breech and some people are setting charges to booby-trap later to vent atmosphere. Yeah?

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Some are going to breech into the vent. The rest are going on the outer airlock doors to make it harder to get in, as a distraction, and to create rubble.

NICK: Okay. Who’s in which group?

LAURA: Xianna would be setting up the little bubble and then setting to get in. How many outer doors are there I guess?

NICK: There’s the main hanger bay, but that’s not really a door, that’s one of those open things. There’s two access ports scattered across.

LAURA: Okay. it would really just be Val and one other person putting explosives on those.

NICK: Who’s gonna go do that? Who’s gonna be the third person?

CAMERON: Karma.

AUSTIN: Karma has seen a bomb before.

CAMERON: Taken some firepower.

NICK: HK and Tink are gonna stay on the ship until everything’s ready.

CAMERON: HK’s probably watching Xianna’s back.

NICK: Oh, okay.

LAURA: Tink is probably helping me setup the little bubble.

HUDSON: Yeah.

LAURA: Then we cut into the wall to get into the vent. On coms we’ll let everyone know that we’re ready to go in, and then when Karma and Val get back we get into our bubble and… then we go. We penetrate.

NICK: So, the only thing with that—Ick. The only thing with that is we’re gonna need some Stealth rolls for the people blowing the outer ones, because there are sensors outside of this station. Karma and Val, I’m gonna need you to cross the station appropriately, and then also I’m gonna need… I guess it would be heavy weapons? What do you use for explosives?

AUSTIN: Mechanics.

NICK: Okay. I’ll need Mechanics checks from Val probably for having set them up.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Karma can put them down, bring them over and put them in the right spot, and then I do the final (clicking and whooshing noises).

CAMERON: Heh. Karma’s helping carrying them and is then just holding her blaster watching out.

NICK: Yeah. So, Stealth rolls.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty on this Stealth roll?

NICK: (comically long, drawn out “um”) … Average.

CAMERON: (snickers)

AUSTIN: We must have gotten another com call.

SEVERAL: (air horn noises)

AUSTIN: Say my name!

NICK: God damn it. (laughs)

AUSTIN: You’re god damn right.

CAMERON: (laughs) Alright. Three successes, two advantages for Karma.

NICK: Do you want to use your advantages to give Val a blue die on her Stealth roll?

AUSTIN: Two advantages are worth one blue die on mine?

NICK: You can give her two.

CAMERON: Ha-ha!

NICK: Because technically one advantage can give a blue die to whoever’s turn is next, so…

CAMERON: So I just did that twice~

AUSTIN: And you can stack that?

NICK: Yeah, but it costs more to be like, if it were all of you doing stuff, it would be ‘I specifically want to give this person something.’

AUSTIN: Well, I am not sneaky at all, and also not agile, so we got two greens.

CAMERON: Ah, you’re fine.

AUSTIN: Two successes and a threat.

NICK: Great. We’ll do this as a montage thing. Make that Mechanics roll for breeching. Specifically what you’re trying to achieve with this is to break the door or to breech to vent atmosphere?

AUSTIN: I think we’re breeching it. We’re just gonna blow them away and wreck the station behind us.

LAURA: Yeah. The idea was to blow up the outer doors of the air lock, because then there’s no airlock.

AUSTIN: So that they can’t land people.

LAURA: So it makes it harder to get into the facility.

NICK: So you’re trying to just blow the outer doors of the airlock, not both doors?

LAURA & AUSTIN: Yes.

NICK: Okay. That’s gonna be hard difficulty, then.

AUSTIN: Fortunately I have a 4 in Mechanics and 3 Intellect, so this is three yellows and a green.

NICK: Well… Ooh. I wanna flip a dark side point. Upgrade that difficulty.

LAURA: Could we argue that she had time to plan, and since we had the blueprints it would be maybe easier and she could have a boost die…?

CAMERON: For being more exact with the amount of explosion necessary?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Because we had the blueprint, so we could look exactly where they would need to go.

NICK: That’s fine. I’m just going for that good, good despair.

CAMERON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: (laughs) I’m sure nothing will go wrong.

CAMERON: Phew.

AUSTIN: One failure and four advantages.

NICK: These were things you were gonna blow later, like after you went loud, right?

CAMERON & AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: I’m sure it will be fine.

AUSTIN: (laughs nervously)

NICK: We’ll talk about those advantages later. Walk me through what it looks like sneaking over the station, setting the charges. It fails but you don’t know it failed. What does this all look like?

AUSTIN: We mis-hooked up a cable or something, so either it won’t blow right or it’ll blow wrong, or whatever you decide is the worst.

NICK: Yep. We’ll find out.

AUSTIN: I just walk over.

NICK: You just walk across the station?

AUSTIN: I walk like I’m meant to be there, because I’m god damn George Jetson.

LAURA: Well, because we’re outside.

AUSTIN: There’s no sneaking. They can see us.

LAURA: yeah.

CAMERON: Karma crouches and walks the whole way in a crouch, because that’s how you sneak.

NICK: All the cameras go just over Karma’s head and see Val, and track Val, so it looks like there’s just the one.

AUSTIN: I look like I’m supposed to be. I have a maintenance vacuum suit on, because that’s what I do.

NICK: Ooh! Something I should point out. While you all are wearing vacuum suits, as you take damage or take threats there’s potential that they will get holes in them.

LAURA: Yeah. You take them off once you get in. That’s what Xianna’s gonna do.

NICK: yeah. There’s vented hallways too. Just something to bear in mind, that could be a problem. Yeah. You make it there, you set all the charges, you come back, you’re gathered in the bubble, ready to rock and roll.

LAURA: Yeah. Once we get into the bubble, we seal off the bubble, and Tink and Xianna cut into the wall? I think it was a wall.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Xianna goes first into the vent, and we get into the vent.

NICK: The vents have atmo in them.

LAURA: Okay. The bubble would just have taken some of the atmo. That’s why we had a small bubble.

NICK: Yeah. The vent smells very bad for the record.

HUDSON: Ew.

NICK: It’s like a sulfur castoff kind of situation, so that’s fun. (smiling)

CAMERON: Hmm.

AUSTIN: I’m sure having it come out of a lab won’t be a problem.

LAURA: Xianna would have had everyone walk in as far as they can with the vents until we can no longer use the vents because they get too small, and we then exit.

NICK: You’re able to go through the vent. Basically you crawl through some stuff. These are probably the biggest vents the station has which is why you picked them, so you’re able to get through pretty easily, even HK can with his big old gun. You spit out into a hallway next to a series of labs. The first thing you notice is there are about twice the amount of security cameras as there were on the blueprints. You are in a blind spot, but they are freaking everywhere.

LAURA: “Oh no.”

NICK: You know from your experience that the computer server room is gonna be to the left, the vault’s going to be to the right, and where you’re at is probably the third best place on the station to setup a kill zone if you’re trying to do weapons cover. Who’s going where and doing what?

LAURA: “Okie. There are more cameras than I thought. I do not know if we can sneak past them all, so maybe what we do is we have Val, the Human, in a maintenance outfit, get to a computer room, plug in Tink’s stuff, and then he can control everything from in here…”

AUSTIN: “Sure. Give me that rank cylinder.”

LAURA: “… and then we can turn the cameras off, or loop them. You want to loop them so it doesn’t look…”

HUDSON: “I’ve dealt with this before. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Yeah.”

NICK: Mmm. Hmm…

HUDSON: GM decisions.

NICK: I don’t think Tink is gonna be able to control everything wirelessly. I think Val may be able to shut down enough cameras to get Tink there, but he’s gonna need to be in the room.

LAURA: Okay. “Val, you will pretend to be maintenance worker. Get into the computer room—“

AUSTIN: “Oh, that’s easy, I’m am a real maintenance worker.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yeah, you are. So you just go into the maintenance room. If there’s only one person in there you can just, you know, boop, get them on the head, you have that room now, shut down a few of the cameras, and then we get Tink in there. If there are not enough people for you to take care of immediately so that no one calls for help, you will need to sneakily turn these few cameras off and then we get Tink in there, and Tink can smash them too, and we shoot them all. Sound good?”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, we’ll see what happens.”

LAURA: “We’ll wing it! Yes, we will wing it.”

NICK: You all are setting up a position in this hall and Val’s going off alone?

AUSTIN: I’m stripping the vacuum suit off. I’ve got my maintenance coveralls under it. I’ve got a leather jacket on now, because I’m armored.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: You wave your hydrospanner at the cameras like ‘hey.’ Alright. You take off down the hallway. The security room is not that far. About half way there you see a kind of squat looking guy who’s just freaking jacked and he has a cut-off vest on. You notice he has a red bandana tied around his head. “Hey, uh, can I see your identification  please?”

AUSTIN: I wave the rank cylinder with all its wires hanging out at him.

NICK: “Uh, wait, hold on.” You try to walk past him. He puts his hand on your shoulder. “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” You notice he has a very big blaster rifle that’s pretty stripped down. “Now, that one’s not regulation. You can’t just wave that around. Your ID badge. I’m a security consultant here. I just started so I don’t know everybody, but I need to see…”

AUSTIN: I open my leather jacket and show him the patch on my chest that just says Val.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “No, that’s very good. It’s nice to meet you, Val. I don’t want to cause any problems. If you lost your card that’s fine. We can go to the security checkpoint and get you another one.”

AUSTIN: I look around the room while I’m reaching for my wallet. How many cameras are where I’m standing?

(laughter)

NICK: Like, one is pretty obvious.

AUSTIN: What about that hallway that he’s pointing me down towards the security room?

NICK: If you flip me a light side point there’s a very obvious camera dead side. Okay, yeah. He’s pointing down that way. You can see it’s 50 yards down this hallway and then there’s a metal detector with a couple of guards. It’s around a corner, you can kind of see the reflection, you know what the setup is, but if you get to that dead spot no one’s gonna bother you.

AUSTIN: I look around through my wallet and I flip through and I’ll just look at him kind of disappointed. “Sorry man, it looks like I don’t have it. I guess I’ll follow you down to the office.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s fine. Back where I came from we’d lose stuff all the time. It was the trees. They’d just take stuff, so… We’ll just go this way.”

CAMERON: Oh no~! (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) He lets you walk first and starts to head down the hallway. You get to that dead point. What do you do?

AUSTIN: Yeah. I’m gonna just turn around and punch him in the face.

NICK: Alright. I’m gonna need a Vigilance roll from you.

AUSTIN: Can I do a spinning back fist so that it’s a Cool roll? It doesn’t make a difference stat wise.

NICK: You absolutely can do a spinning back fist, but I’m gonna need a Cool roll for if you get the drop.

AUSTIN: It doesn’t make a difference, because my—

NICK: It does for him. He’s not as Cool.

AUSTIN: Okay. Yellow and a green. That is two successes and a triumph.

NICK: Nice! He’s three green.

CAMERON: Three successes.

NICK: Hey—Ooh.

AUSTIN: I don’t know how that racks up.

NICK: He gets to go first, but your triumph means he’s… So, he sees you start to spin and he ducks. “Man, this is like day one,” and he puts the gun into your stomach and pulls the trigger. I need a shooting roll, which is three greens against one purple, because he’s in close.

LAURA: Did you say you had armor?

AUSTIN: Yes.

NICK: Do you have defense?

CAMERON: No defense.

LAURA: No defense on it though?

NICK: Just soak?

AUSTIN: yeah, and it’s not a melee attack.

LAURA: Okay.

CAMERON: One failure and an advantage.

NICK: Damn. The advantage is that it throws you back. Your padding absorbs the blast. His gun kind of malfunctions. “The sap! I must not have cleaned it enough.” He steps back from you, but it doesn’t hit you. The advantage is it knocked you off balance a little bit. It’s your turn.

AUSTIN: Well, as an incidental, I’d like to slot my blast knuckle cylinder in. For explanatory purposes, I’ve got gloves on that are like armor, like biker gloves, but they have a slot on the back where I can put a cylinder in and I have blast knuckle cylinders, which basically means when I hit them I take a strain and they get shot by a blaster.

NICK: Cool. Very cool.

AUSTIN: I put that on.

NICK: Yeah. You slot a blast knuckle cylinder.

AUSTIN: And then I’m gonna just go for the uppercut, just under the chin, because he’s like a foot shorter than me.

NICK: Yeah, he’s pretty short. Alright, roll your attack.

AUSTIN: I got three yellows against always two, because every melee attack is two difficulty.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

AUSTIN: We got two successes and three advantages.

NICK: How much damage do your blast knuckles do?

AUSTIN: My blast knuckles do +4, which means that I’m doing 9, and I take a strain.

NICK: (scoffs) If you want to spend your triumph you can just knock him out, if you would like, or put him down if you’d like to do that, or you can roll a crit, or you could use your triumph for something else. It’s up to you.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’ll just knock him out. I just hit him up and he bounces off the ceiling and comes down in a heap.

NICK: Yeah. He slams down and doesn’t move.

AUSTIN: I shake my hands and get a little bit of that steam off, because I did just shoot him.

NICK: Yeah. That’s pretty bad. Because you got a triumph and the way this has gone so far the security people don’t hear, it’s a dead spot in the cameras, you’re able to just shake your jacket off, brush the scoring from the misfire off, and head back down to the hallway.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna grab his ID badge too.

NICK: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: And take the cylinder back.

AUSTIN: Yeah, and take the cylinder back. Can I get that body back? Yeah, I pick the body up and I just take it back down the hallway with me.

NICK: Okay. He is indeterminately alive right now, but the ID badge you took says Mills, Private Contractor, and has a picture of this same scarred up, jacked dude.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: You bring Mills back.

CAMERON: “Oh hey, it’s Mills!”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh look! Look at him.”

AUSTIN: “Wait, you guys know this guy?”

LAURA: “yes!”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah! Huh.”

LAURA: “We are still going to put him in binders, in case he wakes up.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I have an idea. He’s my grand plan for how to get through the atmo-less hallways. They should just open for him, and then we take him with us.”

LAURA: “Yes, that is why we get the badge. Okay, so I take the badge since Val and I will be going.”

CAMERON: “She needs to go to the computer room first, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Yes. Val takes the badge to get into the computer room, and then Val and I will go into the things with the atmosphere whatever, hallways, you know. So go.”

AUSTIN: I walk back down the hallway that same direction I tried a second ago. (laughs)

NICK: Yeah. You go back. You’re able to get to the security room. There’s a bunch of screens everywhere. There’’ some computer terminals. There’s some buttons. How are you trying to solve this situation of turning off specifically that one stream of cameras they needed?

AUSTIN: There’s no people there anymore?

NICK: Not right now.

AUSTIN: Okay. I just start walking around and looking at displays trying to find the one that has something that matches the current hallway.

NICK: You’re able to find it pretty easily. You can see these scuff marks from where you dragged Mills. There’s mud for some reason. You can see where it leads. You found the right bank. As far as turning them off, there isn’t an obvious power switch here.

AUSTIN: Is it just like monitors with keyboards?

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Is there a tower for each set of displays?

NICK: It’s like a bank behind it set into the wall.

AUSTIN: Can I reach?

NICK: Yeah, you could reach it.

AUSTIN: I just take the whole thing out of the wall.

NICK: Okay. You just rip that out.

AUSTIN: I just grab it and go (crunch). I don’t bother with trying to unscrew anything. I have the tools for that, because I have a tool belt, but it’s faster to just rip it.

NICK: You assume it shut everything down.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: Great.

AUSTIN: (laughs) The displays went out!

NICK: The cameras that you can see along that hallway just go (fart noise), so they’re probably off.

CAMERON: “heh. Camera down, go, Tink, go.”

HUDSON: “Right.” I start a hefty jog.

NICK: Heh. You shuffle-run your way down the hallway.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Tink, you get in, there’s rolling chairs everywhere. This is your web an you are the spider. You are ready to get in. Val, do you meet up with the others?

AUSTIN: Yeah. I nod at Tink as I walk past and go back down the hallway.

HUDSON: I crack my knuckles. … “Ow.” (laughter)  “I did that too hard.”

LAURA: “Tink!”

AUSTIN: His knuckles are a little sore from our fight.

LAURA: “Tink, don’t hurt yourself.”

HUDSON: “Sorry…”

NICK: (laughing) Okay. He sits down, and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 29:
Aggressive Recruiting

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

(musical chimes)

Hi, I’m Sydney and I play Valorissia Creed, a human technician. I was going by an old name and pronouns during this recording and also using a rather different voice at the time. So while we have left the audio as originally recorded, I would request that you use my current name and pronouns, she/her, when discussing the episode. Thanks!

(musical chimes)

Oh goodness, space friends. Our Patreon has only been live for two weeks and we are $4 from our first goal. I want to take a second to thank these amazing people who got in on the ground floor. Ashley Coyle, thank you so much for your support. You are super great and we appreciate you. Austin Whittington, you rock, you cool person you. Chris Russell, you are a fantastic human and we like you a whole bunch. GyaradosSkullfucker, we really appreciate the support and our fun Discord conversations. JJ Cappa, thank you so much, you’re awesome. John Bacevicius, sorry about the pronunciation, you are also super great and appreciated. Jose Guerero, thank you for chipping in, we can afford to fuel the Afternoon Delight now. Richard Kreutz-Landry, you freaking rock. Thank you for being so supportive of our show and our lives in general. And Sp4rkleFish, thank you for your support and constant kindness.

The Patreon is really getting hopping now folks, and I hope you’ll check it out. We already have a few finalized NPC submissions and they could begin appearing as soon as the next arc depending on some player choices. It’s up to fate now. Consider joining us on this wild ride.

Additional music this week is Cantina Rag by Jackson F. Smith and Semper Fidelis by the Heftone Banjo Orchestra.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 29 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. We just ate a crap ton of chicken fingers, and we’re all greasy and sleepy now, so this is gonna go really well. Grab some, they’re in the fridge, I put them in a big bag. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce themselves and what characters they’re playing. If they spent any experience then tell you what you experience spent on.

CAMERON: (snickers, giggles)

LAURA: (giggles)

NICK: Words are hard. Up first we have—

LAURA: You have an English degree!

CAMERON: What on Earth?!

NICK: (laughs) Words written are easy… harder… less. Up first we have Hudson!

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson. I was born September 24, 1991. I’m playing—

(laughter)

LAURA: Now tell me your mother’s maiden name, your first pet’s name…

HUDSON: And the last four of my social security number?

LAURA: …and the last four of your social. (laughs)

CAMERON: We need the model of your first car.

LAURA: Oh yes, the model and make of your first car, your high school mascot.

HUDSON: The make and model of my first car was Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

(laughter)

LAURA: Thank you.

NICK: Great. Did you spend any experience since last time?

HUDSON: Nope. Hoarding it.

NICK: Great. Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend experience, and I went up to Rank 3 in Piloting: Space.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: Cool. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I got another rank in Stealth… Yes? It was Stealth. Also, Cock Blasters is canon. It’s a real place. It’s where we ordered our chicken from.

NICK: (sighs heavily)

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. Now I have to figure out which parts of that go in and which ones don’t.

LAURA: Leave it all in. Look, people on Twitter actually said they enjoyed the phrase cock blasters and they thought it was funny.

NICK: But does that have to do with us or just in general though?

LAURA: In general and us.

CAMERON: Well no, they haven’t even heard that episode yet. They just saw the tweet that you posted after I said it.

LAURA: I don’t remember who it was, but someone said they wanted that on a shirt.

CAMERON: I think it was Ashley.

LAURA: I think, yeah.

NICK: Probably Ashley. Alright.

LAURA: Wanted Cock Blasters on a shirt, and I gotta figure out how to do that now, because… Yeah.

NICK: Well, this episode won’t come out for about six weeks, so I have time for you to forget and for me to make it sound like I won.

LAURA: Oh, Nick, like I would forget that? It’s in my notes. (laughter) Also, including the phrase ‘like a Bisquick biscuit on the end of a tiki stick.’ (laughter) Yup.

HUDSON: So, for the Cock Blaster shirt, you need a rooster in Han Solo clothing with a blaster.

CAMERON: Yesss~!

NICK: Ooh, that’s very good. Does it say Cock Blasters on it or is it like if you’re in the know you know?

HUDSON: No, it says Cock Blasters on it.

NICK: Great.

LAURA: Yeah. He said it says Cock Blasters.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: (reluctantly) Okay.

LAURA: Also, I have ‘we bangin’ in my notes as well, so that should tell you something about the quality of my notes.

NICK: They’re good notes.

LAURA: Also nipple clamps.

NICK: Mm-hmm. Very important.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Alright. We’ve made him sit here quietly long enough. For the next indeterminate amount of episodes, we’ll see how it goes, no pressure, we have our friend Austin here playing a guest character. Austin, who are you, do you have any plugs for the internet or social media you would like to say about, and what character are you playing today?

AUSTIN: Hi! I’m Austin. I’m playing a character today.

NICK: Great.

AUSTIN: My character’s name is Valorissia Creed. She’s a Human technician, and I have… There’s probably people on the internet, but I don’t care about them.

NICK: He also does not exist on the internet. You don’t care about the internet? No one on the internet?

AUSTIN: I don’t care about specific people on the internet. I like the internet.

NICK: Oh, okay.

LAURA: But we’re on the internet and we’re specific people.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna plug Tabletop Squadron. It’s a great podcast, and I’m happy to be participating today.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. Perfect. (laughs) Alright. Before we get started let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

AUSTIN: One dark side.

LAURA: Two dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh no.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

CAMERON: Guys!

HUDSON: Sorry. It was my fault.

NICK: Oh gosh.

LAURA: Actually, it was my fault. I rolled two, so…

CAMERON: It was mostly Laura’s.

LAURA: …that’s on me. In my defense, I rolled light side points for like the last ten episodes.

CAMERON: Listeners, Nick is making a very scary smile.

NICK: It’s gonna be fine.

LAURA: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

NICK: I’m sure it will be fine.

CAMERON: Which you can get, on a t-shirt, at Teepublic. Search Tabletop Squadron.

NICK: We plugged that earlier.

CAMERON: I know! But I’m plugging it right now!

LAURA: We can plug it again! Buy our merch!

CAMERON: I’m staring at Hudson’s shirt!

AUSTIN: Hudson is currently wearing a shirt that says ‘Tabletop Squadron, I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

CAMERON: In a lovely blue color.

LAURA: And he’s holding it out, towards his microphone, as if that’ll somehow do something.

(laughter)

CAMERON: And he dabbed.

LAURA: And he’ still dabbing. Oh god, I think he’s gonna die. Are you gonna show us the TikTok video now? Are you gonna put slime on us now? Please don’t.

NICK: Okay. Do we want to start the…? Okay! The last time we left off you went back to see Sentinel, explained the quests that you had completed, that you managed to get your ship off of that planet that you should have been able to leave right away but your ship blew up, collected some bounties, and he charged you with the task of picking up the next member of Beta Squad, someone that he said was named Valerissa, and he gave you coordinates to some sort of lab facility, and that was basically the information he had. Apparently the contact would not negotiate over coms and he sent you as representatives. Your mission is to offer this contact either a good chunk of money, which he didn’t tell you specifically how much but he—

CAMERON: Yes he did, 15,000.

NICK: Did he? Thank you.

LAURA: Even I have that in my notes.

CAMERON: And it’s for the good of the galaxy.

LAURA: And we can keep 50% if we haggle her down.

CAMERON: And we can bargain for to assist with what she needs.

LAURA: I also put a winky face. I’m not sure why. I think it was probably because you said something that I thought was somewhat of an innuendo, I think it was with haggling her down, but whatever it was I put a winky face. (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Next episode you all can do the summary. That was way more entertaining.

CAMERON: Also we picked up our gear, Xianna got laid…

LAURA: Oh yeah, my notes do say ‘we bangin’ next to Nolaa’s name. She’s officially on my ship list as confirmed. I do have a ship list in my notes.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: So it has the Afternoon Delight, a Mon Cal cruiser.

AUSTIN: Yeah. (laughs) I have a ship list too. They’re space ships.

LAURA: No, it’s called Shipping Manifest. There’s not that many names currently. There’s Falx, unlikely, Jorus, unlikely, Nolaa, confirmed.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Ooh, that’s fun.

CAMERON: Oh. Something else really big happened last episode. We woke up HK!

LAURA: Oh, we turned on the droid.

NICK: Oh yeah!

LAURA: I call him Hank. (laughs)

NICK: And you woke up the assassin droid, HK-67.

LAURA: Hank.

NICK: Hank… and—

CAMERON: HK.

NICK: And… so you have a new member of your crew, a highly deadly artificial intelligence. I was wondering why I had his stats in front of me.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

NICK: Alright! We begin with the Afternoon Delight snapping into normal space. A nearby star bathes the ship in its light, but there is almost no reflection off of the mat black night shadow finish. The light does catch the pin-up girl painted on the side making it look like she’s winking as the ship approaches the scientific facility that contains your contact, Valerissa, apparently. The station is made out of pieces of ships floating near to each other and tethered together with walkways. There is a large open space that looks like the ship hanger for a star destroyer but with the star destroyer removed, and you see several ships pulling through its ships to land. There is a spider web of transparesteel walkways leading away from the hanger and into other ship pieces. You see half a brightly lit Mon Cal cruiser, some smaller ships, even what looks like a dome made out of star fighter canopies.

When you pull in to land there is plenty of space. The hanger is less than half full with other portions of the ship taken up by craft that had been ripped apart. Engineers are arguing over a disassembled X-Wing. One of them is kicking what looks like a proton torpedo over and over again.

We get the crew walking out of the ship, heading across the hanger, and you see this sign that’s pointing at a desk that says Information Desk.

CAMERON: Boop-bwoop.

NICK: (smiling) You lock the ship. Okay.

CAMERON: (laughing) Yup.

LAURA: Xianna goes up to the information desk. Is there a bell to ring or is a person there?

NICK: Ha! Sucker. The desk is covered in dust and clearly hasn’t been used in years. Below that line on the sign, it says—(laughter) I laid a subtle trap. Below that line on the sign it says Science Labs and there are arrows pointing towards literally all nine of the tunnels that you can see in every direction. The rumble of a distant explosion gently shakes the hanger. The engineers don’t look up from their argument. Below all of that on the sign you can see a third addition taped to it that says Bar with an arrow pointing to a single, separate tunnel. What do you want to do?

LAURA: “Okie. This seems like way too much work. Nine tunnels is way too many to explore. I say we go to the bar and we tell Sentinel she just, she died or something.”

CAMERON: “Um… No?” (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay, but we could search for like the next six hours, or we could be drunk.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, I’m not vetoing the bar, I’m vetoing the second half where we just say that she’s dead and we leave.”

LAURA: “Do you think they will give us drinks in like to-go containers? Go to the bar first then explore.”

CAMERON: “Possibly. We could also ask the bartender if he knows which tunnel we should go down.”

LAURA: “Maybe they have those meter drinks that you get at bachelorette parties.”

CAMERON: “They probably have yard margaritas.”

LAURA: “Meters, because this is Star Wars…”

CAMERON: “Yeah, a yard.”

LAURA: “…and everything is in meters.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: “Uh-huh. Yeah. A yard.”

NICK: Nautolans use Imperial measurement, canon. The Nautolans lose ships a lot because they do it in Imperial and everybody else does it in metric.

CAMERON: No…

AUSTIN: Water measurements are different than space measurements.

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: But they do use Kelvin for temperature, which makes it even worse.

(laughter)

NICK: Oh boy.

LAURA: Because you see 0 degrees and you’re like okay, that’s not too cold, and then you die.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “From my planet, meters are actually spears of meat that are cooked.”

CAMERON: (snickers) “But they are exactly a meter long, so they do use those as forms of measurement.”

LAURA: “Meat her? I hardly know her… Heh.”

NICK: … Boo. So are you going to the bar? Is that what’s happening?

CAMERON: “yeah, so you meet her, because—Ugh. Okay.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Heh.”

NICK: Ick.

CAMERON: No. Laura’s doing a hand gesture, and no.

LAURA: I’m not. No I’m not. This is all getting cut. Whatever.

NICK: Are you going to the bar? Is that what you’re doing, or are you searching through this facility?

LAURA: We’re gonna go to the bar first, see if they have portable drinks.

CAMERON: Karma knows that her new crew children behave better if they’ve gone to the bar.

NICK: Okay. You walk through one of these transparesteel tunnels. You can actually see that this is a really large facility just cobbled together from a bunch of different space stations and half built ships and things like that. Everybody tell me one weird ship thing that has been turned into a building that you can see through the tunnel.

CAMERON: All of the ramps are made out of wing parts.

NICK: Yeah, okay. That’s cool.

CAMERON: When you’re flying on an airplane and they’re slowing down, the part of the wing pops up to add drag, they do that and it can like spring you so you don’t have to walk up, so if you’re a good jumper you can just spring.

NICK: (smiling) There’s weird mechanics in the stairs and ramps. Okay, cool.

CAMERON: Yeah, but they’re like trick steps. Watch out.

AUSTIN: There’s a meeting room with a TIE fighter wing sitting on the ground in the middle and then a bunch of TIE fighter pods around it in a circle, like the MIB interview room, but they’re also egg chairs as cockpits.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. That’s very cool. That room also takes up an entire hanger, because those are very big. They all wear the pilot headsets to talk to each other.

AUSTIN: You can fit like eight people in one of those things. They just gotta be very cozy.

NICK: So it’s like a team meeting room, it’s for big room planning situations.

LAURA: There’s one little section that’s just a bunch of cockpits from YT1300s and they’re all just connected so it’s like a spikey little ball.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: That’s all I have.

NICK: That’s cool.

HUDSON: There are… I don’t know ships. That’s the problem.

NICK: There’s like infinity ships, so just think space ships in general.

HUDSON: No, like the name of them is what I meant.

NICK: It doesn’t matter. Just describe what you want it to look like.

LAURA: He doesn’t know what any of them look like. Heh.

HUDSON: I don’t know what most of them look like, but I could say that there is a children’s playground with…

LAURA: There’s a ball pit, isn’t there? That’s what you’re gonna say? There’s a god damn ball pit.

HUDSON: So there’s a ball pit, but it’s made out of engine parts.

CAMERON: Ow.

NICK: Oh god.

HUDSON: So it’s not very comfortable. Only droids like it for some reason.

CAMERON: (smiling) Oh god…

AUSTIN: I mean, if they’re still balls they’re round enough. Or is it just like a scrap pit?

HUDSON: It’s kind of just a scrap pit they call a ball pit.

AUSTIN: Okay.

NICK: So, you’re walking through this tunnel, you go through some of these rooms or see them through doorways. When you pass the ball pit you see this really greasy fist punch into the air holding a specific sprocket. You expect to see a child and you see a 45 year old mechanic in a greasy jumpsuit. “That’s where they put this stupid thing!” and starts climbing out of the pit grumbling.

And you come to the bar. It’s an unmarked doorway. The only way you can tell it’s a bar is you hear music coming out of it and some different colored smokes and bar smell. Everybody knows bar smell. As you go in, the bar is like many of the other dive bars you’ve been to in your career. The room is dark and smoky, and you can see some large people in the back wearing mechanics coveralls playing Sabacc. The drinks appear to be served in lab beakers and test tubes. The bartender is a skinny Human man wearing a lab coat and goggles with white hair sticking out in every direction. He nods to you and salutes with a test tube that’s glowing green before handing it to a Jawa sitting at the bar. It’s robe is dangling off of the stool. You see some sort of laser dart board on the wall being used by a Dug—those are those weird aliens that walk on their hands and use their feet for hands—and a Mon Cal scientist. They’re arguing good-naturedly. In the corner there’s what looks like an anthropomorphic spider wearing a patched top hat that’s open on the top like a suit can and it’s playing four guitars right now, and it just sounds like a good bluegrass cantina song. Austin, where is your character sitting?

AUSTIN: I’m in the back room. I have a separate description for this.

NICK: Okay. Cool.

LAURA: Xianna’s already at the bar ordering drinks, and she goes up to the bartender like “Ello. Do you have any stoppers for the beakers?”

NICK: The scientist looks at you and gives you the hang on a second finger, and he looks back at the Jawa who’s shaking the empty test tube. “You’ve had enough! No more for you!” Then he turns back to you and says, “Yes, we have stoppers. Are you trying to get some to go?”

LAURA: “Yes. Okay. Let me get four drinks in the beakers. I don’t know what drinks you have, just something fun. Put stoppers in those and then two test tubes, and then whatever they want.”

HUDSON: “Get me a Shirley Temple! No alcohol.”

LAURA: “Oh, and I guess a Shirley Temple, no alcohol. He keeps flip-flopping on whether or not he is drinking.” (chuckles)

CAMERON: (chuckles)

HUDSON: “No. I’m keeping the edge this time.”

LAURA: “He’s keeping the edge… I don’t know.” Heh.

NICK: He’s been mixing drinks under the bar as you’re talking and you hear a lot of rattling of glass and everything, and then he pulls out some beakers that are already full and pops stoppers into them with both thumbs, and then he turns around and he fills the test tubes from some taps behind the bar and pops stoppers into those, and he hands them over to you. He’s got four of them between his fingers.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna takes the beakers and attaches them to her utility belt, because she does have that, so she now has four beakers on her belt and she takes the test tubes for herself and drinks those. I’m sure they’re like bright, fun, neon colors, right?

NICK: Oh yeah. They’re glowing. It looks like a rave.

LAURA: Oh, what am I doing to myself…

CAMERON: They all came out of the same tap in the back but they’re all different colors.

NICK: Ooh, yes, I like that. When you go to pay he says, “Oh no, these are just byproducts from an experiment anyway. They’re all for free. It’s a morale thing.”

CAMERON: (laughs nervously)

LAURA: “Oh! Thank you! Heh.”

NICK: At this point the Jawa swoons and falls off the barstool and is just lying on the ground pointing at the ceiling and giggling to itself.

LAURA: “This seems nice. So anyways, can you help me? I am looking for a person. Her name is, uh, Valerissa?”

NICK: “Uh… I would recommend against—“

LAURA: “No. It’s okay. You see, she just never called me back and I am trying to figure it out. She kept some things of mine and I would like them back. You know how that is sometimes.”

NICK: “So, uh, okay… Are you armed?”

LAURA: “Yes. Heh.”

NICK: “Oh- Oh… Keep that handy. I don’t know when the last time you talked to her was, but you’re gonna wanna… be… You’re bringing your new boyfriend with you, right?”

CAMERON: (snickers)

LAURA: “Oh no. That is not my boyfriend.”

CAMERON: Tink is just sitting there sipping his Shirley Temple.

(laughter)

LAURA: “It’s okay. This would not be the first time I’ve been shot this week, so whatever. Heh.”

NICK: “Okay, well…”

LAURA: “It will be fine,” and I wink at him.

NICK: He looks like he’s concerned but that he’s someone who lives in an anarchic space station. “If it turns to fighting—I really shouldn’t say if—just please take it outside into one of the hallways.”

LAURA: “Will do!”

CAMERON: Karma steps up behind Xianna and just crosses her arms and her sword and carbine are very visible.

NICK: “Oh. Okay. That should be fine. She’s in there.” He points and there’s like a bead curtain hanging over a doorway and you can hear some noise and stuff. The music gets louder.

LAURA: Xianna shoots the two test tubes, hands them back, salutes, and walks through the bead curtain.

CAMERON: Karma waves to the bartender and says thanks and then follows Xianna, grabbing Tink along the way, like looping arms with him.

HUDSON: I wave.

NICK: He moves his head like he’s winking but he’s wearing tinted goggles so you can’t tell.

LAURA: Xianna just walks right into the room. “Ello! Which one of you is Valerissa?! Heh.”

NICK: Okay. What does this room look like?

AUSTIN: So! It’s a biggish room. There’s a bunch of people all yelling, all facing toward the middle of the room. There is a space ping-pong table that takes up about the middle third and the middle third, so of a grid of nine it’s the middle… middle-middle.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: There’s two people playing space ping-pong. There’s a big elderly Bothan with a big, white mustache wearing a referee shirt standing on the side very carefully watching the ball go back and forth. On one side there is a Rodian that is playing table tennis and gently hitting the ball back trying to keep it on the table. On the other side there’s a very tall Human female. She’s playing real tennis on this table, so every time she hits the ball it’s almost across the room before the Rodian even notices, and the crowd is just going wild every time. You look up at the wall and you see the score counter is 4 to 20, so…

NICK: Heh.

LAURA: Nice.

AUSTIN: …it’s almost game point. No one hears you exclaim. They’re too busy watching the game.

HUDSON: There’s a crowd in this room?

AUSTIN: yes. There’s like 30 people squeezed around this table all cheering.

HUDSON: Oh nice.

AUSTIN: It’s like a college party watching people play beer pong, but it’s ping-pong.

CAMERON: (laughs) And there’s a ref.

AUSTIN: And there’s a ref.

LAURA: Xianna’s just gonna start walking around the room asking people where Valerissa is and drinking unattended drinks, you know…

NICK: Oof.

CAMERON: That’s safe.

LAURA: …like she does.

HUDSON: Wow. Living on the edge.

LAURA: Well, ones that she sees other people drink.

CAMERON: I feel like every single time you’ve ordered a drink you’re like no it’s very important only the bartender touched this, and now you’re just going around and drinking everyone else’s? (giggles)

LAURA: Well no, if they set them down she grabs them. That’s fine.

CAMERON: How do you know they didn’t roofie their own drink?

LAURA: That’s the point. Their drink is probably fine, it’s just you don’t let some strange guy turn around and then come back with your drinks. If they’re already drinking it you just take it from them and keep drinking. That’s so different.

CAMERON: (laughing) I feel like it’s not.

LAURA: (smiling)  This is Xianna logic. Their drink is probably fine.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna see this and make a note to talk to Xianna later.

HUDSON: I shake my head disapprovingly.

NICK: yeah. You’re stealing drinks, talking to people, you find a Gamorrean mechanic who is just wearing, it looks like just bandoliers, like everything is just tools. You say hey, we’re looking for Valerissa, and it does a (grumble bark) and then just points at one of the ping-pong players… that’s not the Rodian.

LAURA: I go back to Tink and Karma. “Okay. It is the ping-pong player, the Human.”

CAMERON: What is Valerissa wearing?

AUSTIN: She is wearing a blue work shirt, dark work pants, she has a bandana over her hair. She has short-ish red hair, a little bit of bangs.

CAMERON: Are you wearing one of the shop work suits that has your name sewn on it?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s got the… Yeah. The name patch just says Val.

CAMERON: Karma’s already noticed the name.

AUSTIN: Everything is covered in oil.

CAMERON: And Karma points at the same time Xianna starts to say it’s that one.

HUDSON: “She’s quite the looker.”

LAURA: “Well, I mean, they both are but we are going for the Human one.”

HUDSON: “Oh no, I know.”

LAURA: “Maybe wait until the ping-pong game is over?”

CAMERON: “It’s about to be.”

NICK: On that, there’s a smash, the ball hits the Rodian in the eye and the Rodian goes down, and then gets up. It’s speaking Huttese, but—I don’t know. Karma probably speaks Huttese.

CAMERON: Yeah! She’s a bounty hunter.

NICK: Anyone who speaks Huttese hears the Rodian throw the ping-pong paddle and be like “What the heck? You said friendly game!” and stomps out of the room, and everybody in the crowd goes (long disappointed groan).

LAURA: I’d assume Xianna speaks Huttese. I’m assuming  a lot of Twi’leks do.

NICK: Probably. That would make sense.

CAMERON: Ew.

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: Do you speak Jabba the Hutt’s language, Tink?

HUDSON: …

NICK: It’s not on your sheet.

LAURA: It’s not written.

HUDSON: Oh! I was about to say, did I put languages down?

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: No, language isn’t really like a…

NICK: This ain’t D&D.

HUDSON: I picked up some of it. I don’t know it very well.

NICK: You know how to cuss and ask where the library is?

HUDSON: And the bathroom.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah. Language in these books is sort of you assume that everyone can speak everyone else’s language unless it is comical to not. There is a legit section in the book where you just assume everyone speaks everyone else’s language, unless it would be fun not to.

CAMERON: And most of the ones, like, if you speak Wookie you understand Wookie but you speak Basic because your vocal cords aren’t set up the same way that a Wookie’s are.

(everyone tries Wookie noises, descending in quality)

NICK: Alright. The crowd starts to disperse a little bit. Were you playing for any particular prize or anything?

AUSTIN: I walk over to pick up my money from the old Bothan.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, so you see the person that has been identified as Valerissa picking up money.

LAURA: Xianna is immediately doing the little like shoulder slide. “Oh, ello,” to Valerissa.

AUSTIN: “SUP?! You here to fight or talk?!”

LAURA: Oh no. (laughs) “Um, talk? Mostly.”

AUSTIN: “Gah. No one ever wants to fight anymore.”

LAURA: “I mean, what do you mean by fight?”

AUSTIN: I put my fists up. “We can do it right here. Let’s just do it.”

LAURA: “Oh, oh, I thought that was maybe a code word for something. Never mind, um, talking… I think we have a mutual friend who has a job for you.”

AUSTIN: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

LAURA: “Sentinel?”

AUSTIN: I just walk past her. I go out to the bar.

LAURA: “Excuse me!” (laughter) “Excuse me, I was talking to you. I have a drink if you want it! I have drugs if you want it.”

HUDSON: “Hey buddy, she’s talking to you.” I grab her by the shoulder.

AUSTIN: I just push the hand off and keep walking.

LAURA: “Do you want to fight Tink? He’ll fight you. He was in a fight ring recently. He won.”

HUDSON: I push her in the back.

NICK: Ohh! (laughs)

CAMERON: Oh shit.

LAURA: “I think he killed a Wookie! Heh.”

AUSTIN: I turn around and look up a little bit, and then punch him in the stomach.

NICK: Alright, I guess we’re doing this~

(laughter)

CAMERON: Karma steps up, “Alright, we’re gonna have a good, clean fight.”

LAURA: Xianna immediately yells out, “I have 20 Credits on the Human!”

NICK: A Rodian that’s holding its eye comes charging back in through the door and takes your bet against the Human in Huttese, it just nods and does the hand gestures like a stock broker across the floor. I need Tink and Val to roll Cool for who actually goes first.

CAMERON: For this there’s not gonna be any difficulty.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

AUSTIN: A success and two advantages.

NICK: Alright. Valerissa goes first. Go ahead and roll me that there Brawl check.

AUSTIN: Alright, we’re gonna roll that there Brawl check.

NICK: For punching Tink in the stomach. SO Val whips around and just plants one in Tink’s tummy before he even knows what’s going on.

AUSTIN: She has a big grin on her face. She’s very excited to finally hit someone. Two successes.

NICK: Are you wearing your brass knuckles or are you just bare knuckle bossing)

AUSTIN: I’m bare knuckle. I didn’t even put them on yet. They’re in my pocket.

NICK: Okay. That’s 5 damage against Tink. Tink, what’s your soak?

HUDSON: Three.

NICK: So you take 2 damage. It’s your turn in the initiative. Val just punched you straight in the stomach. It was uncomfortable. What do you do, Tink?

HUDSON: I try to go up and do a big bear hug straddle.

CAMERON: (laughs) What?!

NICK: What does that mean? Like tackle her?

LAURA: Who knows what that means!

NICK: Are you tackling her, are you just trying to hug her, what are you doing?

HUDSON: Like hug and hold in a lock.

NICK: Alright, we’ll do a Brawl check for that. We’ll see what happens.

HUDSON: Guess how much I have in Brawl.

NICK: Zero.

LAURA: It’s all in Melee.

NICK: Two difficulty.

AUSTIN: I’m rolling three yellows, by the way, because I know how to fight.

LAURA: That’s why I put my money on you. Yeah.

HUDSON: Two successes, one disadvantage.

NICK: Threat?

HUDSON: One threat, yeah.

NICK: For two successes… There aren’t any grapple rules in Edge of the Empire, they’re just like roll Brawl and figure it out. Thanks guys. Are you trying to hurt her or just restrain her?

HUDSON: Restrain.

NICK: Okay. You grab her in a big Gigoran, totally not an albino Wookie, hug and pin her arms down by her side, and you’re very close together, and you’re stuck. You can try to break out or try to…

AUSTIN: I’m gonna sweep his legs.

NICK: He’s got you off the ground. He’s a lot taller than you.

AUSTIN: Well, he’s not that much taller than me, he’s like a foot taller than me.

NICK: Enough to pick you up, though. That’s part of the grapple.

AUSTIN: Let’s see, what maneuver am I gonna do here then…?

NICK: You could kick him in the kneecap. You can headbutt him.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’m gonna headbutt him.

LAURA: Just get him in the kidneys, right here.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna roll Brawl for this headbutt. He lifted me up to look him in the eye, and I’m still grinning while I’m doing this. That is, uh, nothing.

CAMERON: That’s a wash.

NICK: Okay. You try to headbutt him and you hit him in the translator.

CAMERON: And it feels very fluffy on your head.

(giggling)

NICK: The translator does a static crackle and then says, “horse, duck, snake, Wallace,” and then…

CAMERON: Wallace?

NICK: Yeah, weird glitch. (smiling) I don’t know why I said that.

AUSTIN: Well, it did just get headbutted.

NICK: Yeah. Tink, you’re up. What are you doing now? You got her restrained. She just tried to headbutt you in the face.

HUDSON: “You have beautiful eyes.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Oh god…

LAURA: “Tink! Stop giving her compliments and punch her! … Wait. No, no, no. Let her punch you!”

HUDSON: “Wait, what? I’m very confused now.”

LAURA: “I put money on her. I put my money on her. You have to lose.”

HUDSON: “Ohh. Oh, no.”

NICK: The Rodian is standing next to you and starts grumbling in Huttese about rigged bets.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: I turn to him like “Don’t worry, he does not listen to me anyways, so who knows.”

HUDSON: Is there a wrestling move where when you’re holding them you like body slam them? Is that just a body slam?

NICK: So, you have two options.

CAMERON: (laughing) You just wanna fall forward and land on her?

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: You have activated Nick’s secret background. He used to wrestle. Two options, you can either jump and just try to belly flop on top of her, like pull your arms out of the way and just be like I’m heavier than you, which would hurt, or if you can explain why you would know how to do this from your backstory, you can suplex her, which is you go over back the other way and make her head hit the ground before your shoulders hit, and that can seriously mess somebody up.

(laughter)

LAURA: Yeah, did you not watch Glow?

HUDSON: Oh yeah. So, I have a little bit of—I was never really good, but back in school I would do some amateur wrestling with the guys.

NICK: Is that why you were so good in that fight pit, is it was similar?

HUDSON: Yes.

LAURA: Well yeah, it’s an Imperial school, so they made you do at least some combat training.

NICK: Yeah, but when he says he did amateur wrestling with the guys I’m picturing like Insane Clown Posse backyard wrestling for YouTube stuff.

LAURA: Oh yeah, because it’s Tink, he would have definitely hung out with the weirdo kids.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay, you’re gonna suplex her?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: I’m gonna give you a blue die because you already have her grappled. Just gonna do it on the fly. Otherwise it’s versus two purple. Ooh wait, and I’m gonna flip a dark side point to upgrade one of your greens to a yellow.

HUDSON: You mean purples to a—

NICK: No. I’m upgrading his with a dark side point, because if he knocks out the contact that would be bad.

(laughter)

HUDSON: Two advantages? (laughs)

NICK: Okay, um… So I guess it doesn’t work. How do you dodge getting suplexed by this massive…?

AUSTIN: As he’s going back over his shoulder I break out of his arms and get my feet down on his legs and push off and jump across the room, so he still falls on the ground and then I just stand up and look at him. “Alright. That’s what I’m talking about.”

NICK: Can we spend the two advantages that you are sated from your blood lust for now or are you trying to knock this guy out?

AUSTIN: No, I gotta hit him one more time. (laughs)

LAURA: yeah. She’s gotta win. I have money riding on this.

NICK: What would you like to spend your advantages on?

CAMERON: I’d say probably don’t fall down.

HUDSON: Oh yeah, I wouldn’t fall prone.

NICK: From the suplex, you’re good enough, you roll back up onto your feet. No, you don’t kip up, you’re not that cool, you just keep going over backwards and—

CAMERON: You do a cool backwards summersault back up to your feet.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: I think Tink bumps into the crowd and they do the mob push him back into the middle thing.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Alright. What does Val do now?

AUSTIN: She goes for the solar plexus shot, which is about… shoulder height on her.

HUDSON: Go for the what?

AUSTIN: Solar plexus. I’m gonna knock the wind out of you.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

NICK: That’s the nerve cluster just below your sternum.

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s where your ribs come together.

HUDSON: Ohh.

NICK: It’s bad for you to get punched there.

CAMERON: Aw, that was almost a triumph.

AUSTIN: Three advantages and a failure.

NICK: Okay. So, Tink, you block it.

HUDSON: Yep.

NICK: I assume you just catch her fist in your big mit and don’t let it hit you.

HUDSON: Yeah, and I try to interlock our fingers but that doesn’t work out very well.

CAMERON: Heh. ‘Your hands are so soft.’

(laughter)

HUDSON: I don’t say that yet.

AUSTIN: He can’t even tell. He has fur.

NICK: He’s got pads on his hands.

CAMERON: He has hands, like there’s fur on the back, but he needs to be able to computers so he, like… it’s all touch screens.

NICK: And then for three advantages… I don’t even know. You can give yourself a couple blue dice.

CAMERON: Or give him a black die.

LAURA: Yeah, give him a black die. Can you make him fall prone?

CAMERON: No.

LAURA: No?

CAMERON: We’ve tried that before.

NICK: Even if that’s in the rules I don’t like that.

AUSTIN: Can I give him a black and give me a blue on my next one?

NICK: Yeah, those are options. Cool. So this is turning into a Matrix fight where everyone’s dodging everything and blocking things.

AUSTIN: And the crowd’s just all cheering around because they never get to see me fight anymore.

NICK: Yeah, because no one will fight you.

LAURA: Xianna’s getting upset though, because it seems kind of even. I never actually listed that I have sand in my pockets so I can’t just pocket sand Tink.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma just walks over to HK and leans an arm on his shoulder and leans against him.

AUSTIN: Oh, I guess HK walked in.

CAMERON: Yeah. HK’s been following us.

NICK: He’s been following the whole time. “Obvious Statement: The woman should have defeated your Wookie friend four times over by this point.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, he’s just getting lucky.”

NICK: The droid just kind of stares. It does this weird thing where it just stands perfectly still and you wonder if it’s off or if the audio hit, and it just is staring not doing much. Tink, you’re up.

HUDSON: “Alright. What do I get if I beat you?”

AUSTIN: “Maybe I’ll talk to you.”

HUDSON: “Good enough.” I go in for a roundhouse kick.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Roundhouse!

HUDSON: Roadhouse!

LAURA: Roadhouse. Heh.

NICK: Did you take your black die?

HUDSON: No. Is that just an upgrade?

NICK: The black just gets added. The black die that Val added from her cool moves.

HUDSON: Three failures…

LAURA: Those go away.

HUDSON: Three failures.

NICK: Yeah. Roundhouse kick does not work even a little bit. I think you pull your hip slightly because you go too high.

HUDSON: “(groans)

AUSTIN: I just duck, and it goes entirely over me and he trips on the other side.

NICK: Yeah. He does not fall, but he is a little off balance. You’re just moving faster than Tink is. He just hasn’t adjusted. Most of the people you fought have been your size or wearing heavy armor, Tink, so this is different for you to be fighting someone who’s light on their feet.

CAMERON: (laughing) Also you’re not a brawler.

HUDSON: I’m not good. I have nothing in Brawl!

(laughter)

CAMERON: He’s like well normally I’d hit with my axe right now and be really badass, but I guess since I can’t use that, I’ll kick her.

NICK: Tink’s doing a lot of the moves that he would use with his axe, because when you have an axe that big you can throw punches and kicks and things to put them into position for the axe. So, he throws that huge kick and normally when they duck then you have the axe behind it and they’ve already dodged so you can hit them, but you don’t have your axe so you’re just like well crap. Alright Val, you’re up.

AUSTIN: Alright. Oh, I have a blue die this time, because I had advantages last time. I’m just gonna go for… I’m just gonna grab his fur on his chest and sweep both of his legs at once, and just put him on the ground.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay.

AUSTIN: There we go. Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: If you take two of those successes I’ll let you knock him prone. That would be 4 damage and then an advantage that you can use for, like, a blue die on your Intimidation check or if you want to just Kali Maa this guy. I don’t know what your plan is.

AUSTIN: (laughs) I’m just gonna hit him until he stops trying to stand back up. He doesn’t need to be… Actually, I’m just gonna tell him that. “I’m just gonna keep hitting you until you stop standing back up, so whenever you’re ready to give up just let me know.”

HUDSON: “(chuckling) You are a little rascal.”

(laughter)

NICK: So we have Val standing over Tink and Tink starts to get up and she just plants a fist in his chest. Did you take your damage?

HUDSON: I did.

NICK: You start to get up and Val does it again. It’s your turn. What do you wanna do?

LAURA: “(quietly) Tink, just lose~!”

HUDSON: “Shut up!” (laughter) I try to grab the fist and throw them over me.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Go for it.

LAURA: “Tink, I have money on this.”

HUDSON: “I have my pride.”

NICK: You also have the option you can do, if you could grab a chair leg or a bottle you could suddenly be armed, but that takes it away from being a friendly bar fight. … That’s actually pretty good.

HUDSON: Two successes.

NICK: So that’s 5 damage going towards Val.

CAMERON: Nope!

AUSTIN: What a coincidence. I have a Soak 6.

(laughter)

HUDSON: (chuckling) Oh no…

CAMERON: Nothing happens!

AUSTIN: Just a no sell. It just hits me and I go, “Alright. That was a pretty nice shot.”

NICK: Tink does like an elbow lock and is able to toss you over his shoulder and he gets up and he planted a palm in your chest to make you stumble back and you don’t give any ground, and seems relatively un-phased there.

LAURA: Can Xianna say, take a drink off a table and spill it right where Tink is standing?

NICK: yes. Do you want this to be sneaky?

LAURA: Oh yeah, this is gonna be sneaky.

NICK: So this is Skulduggery as hell. This is the very definition of Skulduggery.

LAURA: Skulduggery? Cool. Yeah. I can do that.

NICK: Poor Tink. You told him to fight.

LAURA: Yeah, because I had money.

AUSTIN: 20 Credits on the line.

CAMERON: Karma’s watching, because she was reffing, so if she’s successful can I do a Perception check to see if I see her do it?

NICK: You sure can.

AUSTIN: This is no longer a nice, clean fight.

LAURA: What would be the difficulty?

NICK: Everyone’s distracted. Tink, what’s your Perception score? We’ll do it against Tink specifically.

HUDSON: Two.

LAURA: Can I get a blue die because he’s in a fight?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Oh! Ooh boy. So that is a triumph with a success and four more successes.

NICK: Wow. Yeah.

LAURA: Turns out I’m sneaky.

NICK: You can roll your Perception check if you want, but…

CAMERON: I’ll try it. We’ll see.

NICK: …with the triumph and four successes, I’m gonna say this is daunting difficulty.

CAMERON: So four?

NICK: Yeah, and one of them is red.

CAMERON: There you go, Austin. We had talked about this. Can I get a blue die since I was watching specifically though?

NICK: Since you were actively refereeing and probably were watching Xianna specifically for cheating, you can have a blue die, (laughter) but she’s still that good.

CAMERON: My purples came out poorly. No, three failures.

NICK: Three failures. Not only do you miss Xianna tossing the drink but Val gets in a pretty solid eye gouge while you’re not looking.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Tink’s in a bad way.

LAURA: I want to use that to give Tink a setback die and give Val a boost die.

NICK: Yeah, I think that’s fair. Honestly, with the triumph, you can have this do something more impactful than that if you would like.

CAMERON: Tink peed again.

LAURA: Tink falls prone.

NICK: Yeah. That’s fair. Tink will fall prone.

LAURA: Tink falls prone and now also has a setback die.

NICK: Yeah. That’ll be two blue dice for Val because he’s on the ground. I think the way this works out is the drink you grab is in one of those beakers and you throw it and it’s super viscous and slippery. It’s like vegetable oil consistency for some reason. There’s a Trandoshan that hisses at you, it was drinking some sort of weird blood oil mixture, but it’s super-duper slippery and Tink immediately just cartoon arms everywhere hits the ground.

HUDSON: W-W-Whoa~!

NICK: Smack.

LAURA: Scooby Doo sound effects.

(dramatic bass noise)

NICK: We’re gonna just say Val you get to go again at this point. We’re playing it fast and loose with the friendly bar fight.

AUSTIN: Here we go! I’m gonna strike a pose, I’m gonna give the audience the make some noise gesture…

NICK & HUDSON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: …and then I’m just gonna drop the People’s Elbow on him.

LAURA: Yes~!

(laughter)

AUSTIN: Two successes and an advantage.

NICK: That’s 5 damage coming at you, Tink. It’s actually pretty comfortable. It’s probably the most comfortable People’s Elbow you’ve ever dropped, because he’s a big fluffy dude.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: You hear a slight crack as you drop your full weight onto him.

AUSTIN: There’s a fair amount of weight behind that one.

NICK: Yeah. Tink, she just caved in your chest a little bit. Whatcha doing man?

HUDSON: “(coughs, wheezes)”

AUSTIN: “Are you ready to give up? I’ve had enough fun. I might be willing to talk now.”

HUDSON: “Oh, really? Ugh… Uncle.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I look at the Rodian. “Okay~ 20 Credits, please.”

NICK: The Rodian says “ee-chuta” and just drops the credits on the ground and stomps away.

AUSTIN: In the crap that she spilled.

CAMERON: And it’s all in pennies, in credit equivalent of pennies.

NICK: Yeah, and it’s all slimy now. As the Rodian is leaving it walks past some flowers but they’ve been dead a really, really, really long time in a vase. They’re like preserved potpourri flowers. It gets a spine in its other eye and (shouts in pain) and then walks into the wall, and just grumbles and stumbles out.

CAMERON: Aw.

LAURA: “That is what you get for being rude.”

NICK: It didn’t lose the eye. It just got something in its eye again. It’s just having a rough day.

CAMERON: Aw, okay.

NICK: Poor Rodian.

AUSTIN: I stand up and I help Tink back up. I’m happy to help him back up now the fight’s done.

HUDSON: “Alright. Good fight. Good fight.”

NICK: Everyone around in the crowd goes (long disappointed groan), and they go to play ping-pong but seeing not Val and this Rodian play space ping-pong it’s obvious that space ping-pong is much, much harder than they made it look, because you see a couple of drunk guys trying and the ball never leaves the table and they miss constantly and it’s very sad. The crowd starts to disperse and go back to the main bar.

AUSTIN: I gesture to the bartender. “Hey Doc, give me a Crashing Wave.”

LAURA: Oh no… Oh no…

(laughter)

AUSTIN: “You guys ever heard of a Crashing Wave?”

LAURA: “No I have not. What is it?”

AUSTIN: “It’s one of Doc’s specialties. You know when you’re out at the beach and you go out playing in the water and you get a big wave that just crashes on you and you get a bunch of salt water up your nose and you don’t know which way is up anymore?”

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I love that feeling.”

AUSTIN: “It’s just like that in a drink.”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. That sounds awesome!”

AUSTIN: “I had Doc work it up just for me, because I kind of can’t leave the asteroid very easily and I kind of miss planets.”

CAMERON: “Another one please.” (giggles)

LAURA: “No idea what that means. Okay.”

NICK: The bartender, Doc, takes one of the beakers and takes a Nos canister and plugs it in, and then—This is all things that you won’t have to emulate.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Laura’s like, oh I know.

NICK: Do you have a preferred color or anything you’re thinking about, Laura?

LAURA: Well, if it’s a Crashing Wave it’s gotta be blue-ish.

AUSTIN: It’s salty and it’s strong.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Is there salty alcohols?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: He connects the air canister and fills it up and then inverts that into some sort of carafe of blue alcohol, and then turns it over and it filters through. He puts a cap in it and then he takes out a syringe of what looks like clear fluid and sticks it in the top and slowly injects it, very slowly, while watching a stop watch like that’s going to make a difference, and then when it’s done he takes it very carefully and pours it into two glasses and slides them on the bar. There’s a little left and he dumps it out in the sink behind the bar and it goes (boom). “Well, that went better than last time. I’ll put it on your tab, Val,” and he goes to sit down.

AUSTIN: “Yeah, no problem, Doc. Thanks.” I pick mine up and I cheers.

CAMERON: Yeah. Karma will grab the other one.

NICK: It makes a sound like black cats when you knock them together, just for a second like it’s destabilizing a little.

HUDSON: What does that—Wait, what?

AUSTIN: Like the fireworks.

CAMERON: No, the fireworks.

HUDSON: Ohh!

(laughter)

LAURA: I was imagining (angry cat noise). Hudson and I both imagined holding two black cats and then smooshing them together, which is weird because when we smoosh our kitties together we go fight, fight, fight, kiss, kiss, kiss, and then we make them kiss.

CAMERON: You have to make them kiss!

LAURA: Also, if it’s Fry, Fry will immediately try to grab the other cat in a little hug and hold them and lick their ears, and it’s very cute and Lilo hates it.

NICK: Poor Fry.

LAURA: Fry just wants to be friends with everyone.

NICK: It makes a sound like the black cat fireworks crackling, like it’s destabilizing.

CAMERON: Ohh…

NICK: You know, like two black cats you’re trying to have make out for some reason.

HUDSON: Bad luck. Bad luck.

CAMERON: What size of a drink is this? Is this like a shot or a tumbler?

AUSTIN: It’s in like a tumbler. It’s not a shot but it’s not the big tall one.

CAMERON: Oh, okay. It’s a sipping drink.

AUSTIN: It’s a sipping drink.

LAURA: A sipping beaker.

AUSTIN: It’s like a two-a-night and you’re good for the next two days drink.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Oh shit. Okay. Cool. (laughs)

AUSTIN: “I just really like it because it, you know, it tastes just like the oceans back on Lianna, and I haven’t gotten to go there in like three, four years now and it just sucks.”

CAMERON: Karma tastes it and it tastes like ocean when it gets up your nose. (laughs)

NICK: Mm-hmm. Burny-salty.

CAMERON: “Ah, that’s so good!”

NICK: Ooh. Do Nautolans care if salt water gets up their nose?

CAMERON: No.

NICK: So then now you know what it’s like for a Human to get salt water up their nose.

CAMERON: “(smiling) Oh, that feels so weird!”

NICK: (smiling) You’ve never experienced that.

CAMERON: “Is this what y’all feel like all the time?”

LAURA: “I don’t know. What are you looking at me for?”

CAMERON: “I was just wondering. Have y’all ever breathed salt water into your nose?”

LAURA: “No…”

HUDSON: “Can’t say I have.”

LAURA: “Well, there was this one time when I got into an aquarium once. I think it was a salt water aquarium. I don’t remember if I got water up my nose. I am assuming it’s, uh… I’ve put other things up my nose, though.”

CAMERON: “That’s true. Yeah. Okay.”

LAURA: “I think I got you. Okay.” Xianna’s taking one of her belt drinks and unplugging it and drinking that now.

NICK: Well now I’m picturing—Was that a date with your Herglic girlfriend, breaking into an aquarium at night to go swimming?

LAURA: Oh, probably. It was either that or one of those drunken ‘I’ma get in the fish tank. Okay, I’m going to be a fishy.’

CAMERON: ‘I want that fish. I am stealing zat feesh!’

LAURA: ‘I am going to steal that fish.’

CAMERON: ‘Eets gonna be my little feesh and I shall call it squeeshy.’

LAURA: ‘It looked at me weird. I am going to hit that fish.’ Probably one of those. Who knows.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Cool. You’re at the bar. You all have beverages of choice.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna wave them back to a booth. “You guys got me in a good mood now. This is the first good fight I’ve had in a couple of weeks. For some reason no one on the station wants to fight me anymore.”

CAMERON: “That is so weird.”

AUSTIN: “It’s just lame. I gotta wait for off-worlders.”

NICK: We get a close-in shot of Val’s knuckles and they’re like ropey and covered in scars from having been split over and over and over again. ‘I can’t imagine why.’

CAMERON: Just a lot of calluses.

LAURA: “yes. I only had to somewhat cheat on that one.”

AUSTIN: “Wait.”

HUDSON: “Wait, what?”

AUSTIN: “Wait, what?!”

LAURA: “What?” (laughter) “Oh, don’t worry about it. You won, so… I just sped things up. It’s not like I really truly rigged the fight. I just helped it move along a little faster. If none of you noticed then it’s fine. Anyways…”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “We have a job for you, I guess, for Sentinel.”

AUSTIN: “Wait. You’re not here just for me to fix your ship and put a bunch of mods on to make it go really fast and make it explode?”

LAURA: “Oh, no.”

CAMERON: “I mean, you’re welcome to do that too—Not the explode part.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Up until that make it explode part I was on board.”

AUSTIN: “It’ll be a controlled explosion.”

CAMERON: “I’m still good.”

LAURA: “Can we get fireworks out the back? Like if we press a button fireworks come out the back of the ship?”

AUSTIN: “You know, I bet I could put something together for that. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Because that would seem very fun.”

AUSTIN: “That would be a real fun challenge.”

CAMERON: “Nope. No—“

LAURA: “Because what if it’s your birthday and you want to shoot off fireworks out the back of your ship?”

AUSTIN: “I mean, you could also shoot fireworks out of the guns.”

LAURA: “You can shoot fireworks out of anywhere. Do you have fireworks to sell? Like little ones?”

AUSTIN: “No…”

CAMERON: Karma just looks at Tink, and is like “What?!” (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh, no little fireworks?”

AUSTIN: “I’ve got big fireworks. Little fireworks are just not fun enough because they don’t…”

LAURA: “I know, but if I have little fireworks…”

AUSTIN: “…you want to feel the explosion in your chest as you get thrown against the back wall.”

LAURA: “But if I have little fireworks I can shoot them off inside the ship and it would be fun…”

CAMERON: “Xianna, no.”

LAURA: “…and then we go shoot off big fireworks.”

AUSTIN: “But if you shoot off the big fireworks in the ship then the ship is the firework.”

CAMERON: “No.”

LAURA: “But you got to have little fireworks while you are setting up the big fireworks!”

AUSTIN: “But you could just do all big fireworks!”

LAURA: “But then what do you do while you are setting them up?”

AUSTIN: “You light off the other fireworks. And then you drink.”

LAURA: “I guess, okay. Okay. Yeah, I guess so. Makes sense. Anyways. Yeah, so we have a job. Do you know Sentinel? It sounded like you knew him when he told us.”

AUSTIN: “Nope. Never heard of him.”

LAURA: “Do you know a guy, an older man…”

AUSTIN: “There’s a lot of older men.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I know what you mean.”

AUSTIN: “I’m very popular.”

LAURA: Xianna winks and finger guns at her. “I bet you are.”

HUDSON: I’m like, oh I know why.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay. So no one has approached you for a job?”

AUSTIN: “I do a lot of jobs. I’m a mechanic. I fix people’s ships and then make them not explode.”

LAURA: “It was like to join a crew or something.”

AUSTIN: “People always want me on their crew. I’m a mechanic.”

LAURA: “Did you get a mysterious holo vid of a man? It probably would have only been chest up.”

AUSTIN: “Oh, that guy.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I think maybe he has a blanket. He has like robes…”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I told him to fuck off because he wasn’t paying me enough.”

LAURA: “What was he offering you?”

AUSTIN: “Credits.”

LAURA: “yes, but how many credits?”

AUSTIN: “I don’t need credits out here.”

LAURA: “Oh. What do you need?”

AUSTIN: “I just need parts.”

HUDSON: “Companionship?”

AUSTIN: “No.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Aw.

LAURA: “What kind of parts?”

AUSTIN: “Ship parts. Specifically the most rare and impossible to find ones, that I could possibly squeeze into a ship three sizes too small.”

NICK: Like the Grinch.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Well, I don’t know if I can personally help you with that one, unless you want drugs or a nice cross-stitch. I don’t know… We could always steal the ship parts for you.”

AUSTIN: “What kind of skills do you guys have? Because I may have a little bit of intel that, well, we can’t discuss in this bar, but if you guys actually know what you’re doing and this Sentinel guy is maybe a little bit trustworthy, because I guess he sent you here to recruit, I might have something I could have you do for me.”

CAMERON: Karma points at HK the assassin droid standing behind her. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna points at Tink and Karma. “These two, as you can see, they fight. Hank over there, he shoots things I think. He is an assassin droid. You know what they do. Tink is also good with the slicing.” Xianna just starts pulling out all the glasses she’s stolen over this thing out of her pockets and just starts setting them. “And as you can see I am sneaky.”

HUDSON: “Dirty thief.”

LAURA: “I am a dirty, sneaky thief and I steal the things. Yes. I mean, you didn’t even realize I was rigging the fight, so very sneaky.”

NICK: HK’s head rotates five degrees to the right. “Exclamation: Boss Man, will you be needing me to exterminate organics soon?”

HUDSON: “No, you’re fine, HK.”

NICK: “Sad Statement: It has been so long since I watched the light leave an organic’s eyes,” and then it goes back to standing quietly.

CAMERON: “We can maybe find you somebody, HK. I’ll be on the lookout for you, buddy.”

AUSTIN: “Does your droid buddy know how to fist fight?”

LAURA: “No. I think they just shoot, pew-pews.”

CAMERON: “HK, how’s your brawling?”

NICK: (chuckles)

CAMERON: “If one were to, I don’t know, put it in a level of rankings from one to five, approximately where would you say you are?”

NICK: You notice that on the droid’s back is this giant, tricked out super rifle. The droid holds up its hands and says, “Humorous Observation: I have baby hands.” (laughter) It has very spindly limbs and delicate looking hands and fingers, and it just goes back to standing there.”

LAURA: “Aw Hank. Hank…”

AUSTIN: “I have to actually try if I’m fighting people with guns, and then you guys get hurt.”

LAURA: “Hank, your hands look fine. They are not baby hands. They are just weird, creepy, old man hands.” Heh.

NICK: “Suspicious Statement: Thank you for your reassurance.” It just tucks its hands behind its back.

LAURA: “Okay. Do we have to go somewhere more quiet?”

AUSTIN: “What kind of past experience do you guys have? This is not gonna be one of your run of the mill missions. Last time I tried to run one of these with a crew that I didn’t know I ended up hiring the Red Radical Rodians, and they were just ridiculous.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Oh, yes…

AUSTIN: “They went out trying to pick up a piece of salvage and they came back with half of a laser blaster and had the audacity to demand payment. So I paid them with fists, and then we had a good deal and we went our separate ways.”

CAMERON: Karma just pulls up her bounty hunter profile and slides the data pad across the table.

NICK: It’s extremely impressive.

AUSTIN: “Hmm?” I’m scrolling through the list. “Hmm. Hmm! Oh, nice!”

NICK: There’s a whole section that just says Redacted for like four years.

(laughter)

LAURA: “We blew up a star destroyer the other week, I think. Yeah, that was us.”

AUSTIN: “Well that sounds like quite the feat.”

CAMERON: Was that like two weeks ago?

LAURA: “I’ve stolen many things. Technically I am dead, so… I am not wanted anymore. So bonus.”

HUDSON: Can I do a Computers check to hack her phone remotely while we’re standing there?

NICK: Uhh…

CAMERON: Are you both on the bar’s Wi-Fi?

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah? We’ll say that.

AUSTIN: You could put it on the banner on the wall, like the digital banner scrolling past.

NICK: The thing that’s hard is it’s 70s technology, except when it isn’t, and it gets a little touchy. Because we have a slicer extraordinaire I like to kind of default to more Shadow Run style hacking. So yeah, slice away.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Would your personal com have encryption on it? You’re more of a mechanic type though.

AUSTIN: Well, yes, because I worked very closely with an electronics person in the past and she would have set it up.

NICK: Okay. So someone else did a pretty solid job, so difficulty would be hard.

AUSTIN: Yeah, but I don’t know really that much about it.

NICK: With a black die because it’s wireless.

HUDSON: I have Bypass Security. I get to remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable security devices or open a locked door.

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: And you have an outlaw tech data breaker.

NICK: Which is two blue dice.

AUSTIN: Do you have to stab that into the thing or can you just wave it in the air?

NICK: We’ll say it’s wireless.

LAURA: He could use it from his end. Yeah.

AUSTIN: He stabbed it into his data pad.

NICK: It’s too many dice!

(laughter)

HUDSON: It’s too many dice! Okay.

LAURA: Oh god. Remember when we played Seventh Sea?

(laughter)

NICK: So many d10s.

HUDSON: Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: Alright, you’re in. What are you trying to do?

HUDSON: I want to replace whatever the home screen is with a dancing droid and really annoying music that they cannot turn off unless they restart their phone.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. You do that.

HUDSON: “Why don’t you uh, check your, check your phone there.”

NICK: Com.

HUDSON: Oh, yeah.

LAURA: I imagine you just hear wherever her com is—

CAMERON: The com just starts playing music.

LAURA: Yeah. Her com just starts playing music wherever it is on the outfit.

AUSTIN: I take it out and look at it, and then look at Tink…

HUDSON: I nod up and down.

AUSTIN: …and then look at Karma.

CAMERON: Karma points at Tink. (laughs)

AUSTIN: I look back at Tink. (laughs)

LAURA: Everyone points at Tink.

HUDSON: “Yeah, I’m good.”

CAMERON: HK points at Tink.

NICK: With his now canonically small hands.

CAMERON: Yup. He does finger guns and says ‘Boss Man~!’

NICK: Oh wait. Wait, I got this… “Diagnosis: Boss Man has leet hacker skills. Explanation: He told me to say that.”

HUDSON: “So uh, yeah, I can slice around a bit.”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, that’s pretty good. Alright. I think we can take this back to the garage then. It’s gonna be a really long walk. You know, this is a real maze of a station and it takes a lot of seniority to get good spots next to the bar.” I lead them out and we go across the hallway and then into the garage.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. I’m assuming your garage entrance is like a big vehicle blast door situation.

AUSTIN: And there’s a little door on the side.

NICK: I think what we do is the little door opens and the crew walks in. is it impressive looking?

AUSTIN: The lights are off.

NICK: Oh. And the lights are off.

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: You turn the lights on, and is it impressive looking?

AUSTIN: Not really. There’s a lot of piles of random stuff. There’s walking pathways everywhere, and you can tell there’s a little bit of organization, but as far as what pile stuff is in and not within the pile.

NICK: Okay, so… You walk in, the lights are off, we get the whole crew in the dark. Val flips the switch and the lights all turn on, and we get just the shot of the crew with the door behind them, and everybody looks vaguely confused… (leading)

(obviously and humorously edited to pretend it wasn’t coordinated)

HUDSON: “What the heck?”

LAURA: “What the heck?”

CAMERON: “What the heck?”

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode. Da-naaa~!

OTHERS: Da-naaa~!

LAURA: …oh, oh~

OTHERS: For the longest time~!

HUDSON: For the long—

(laughter)

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes on our website and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 28:
I, MurderBot

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

One big announcement this week, everybody. I am pleased to tell you all that when this episode goes live so will our Patreon! For anyone who doesn’t know, Patreon is a website that allows you to pledge monthly support to your favorite creators and help them keep the lights on for their show. You also get access to cool extra content. Various levels of support allow you access to secret Discord channels, you can get thanked on air, and even get you access to Patreon exclusive bonus episodes and bloopers. If you like our show and what we do, please consider chipping in and helping us cover hosting fees and the like. We’d really appreciate it. The Patreon can be found at patreon.com/tabletopsquadron, and there’s a link in the show notes, on all our social media, and the website. We’d love for you to check it out.

Our first Patreon landmark will be at $69. Nice. If we get to $69 a month the whole squad will have a pizza party and we will stream it so everyone can watch us be silly and excited. You know you want to see that.

With that out of the way, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 28. I’m your host, Nick, and if you’re sitting here with us you may see that Laura is actively mocking me while I do the introduction.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: (smiling) I wasn’t mocking you. Based on an earlier conversation we had right before recording, in my head I heard it as ‘hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, an advice show for the modern era.’ (laughter) So I was mouthing that to Hudson.

NICK: That’s a much better tagline. Anyway. We’re gonna go around the table, everybody introduce yourself and the character you’re gonna play today. We’ll start with the voice you were just hearing, Laura!

LAURA: Yes, I’m Laura. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Awesome. Next up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Ooh. Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I’m Cameron, and I play Karma, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Oh boy. So, let’s start off with the Destiny Roll.

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: One light side.

NICK: We are getting very similar results to last episode.

CAMERON: I need a new die.

NICK: Yeah, you should retire your Force die.

CAMERON: This one’s dead to me now. You two are my new friends.

NICK: Last episode we got some housekeeping done: you turned in some bounties, you picked up your weapons, you got laid…

LAURA: Nice.

NICK: …you bought popsicles, you convinced a bounty hunter he was inept and to probably quit the business forever, partially using social media as a prop which was an interesting move.

CAMERON: (giggles)

HUDSON: We had an existential crisis.

NICK: A mild existential crisis wherein the discussion of the afterlife occurred, and that was good too. Yeah, that was pretty much it. Drinks were imbibed.

HUDSON: Drugs were bought.

LAURA: Yeah, drugs were bought.

CAMERON: Jewelry was sold.

NICK: I mean honestly at this point you can assume drugs were bought unless otherwise stated.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Flowchart. Were drugs available? Yes: Buy drugs; No: Find drugs.

LAURA: I mean, it’s in the content warnings.

NICK: That’s fair.

LAURA: I just have the same set that it always is, for the most part, and it’s sexual references/encounters, drug and alcohol, violence and/or death.

NICK: References may be upgraded to content for that last episode.

LAURA: It’s like sexual references/situations or encounters.

NICK: Hmm. Anyway. Star Wars. That’s what happened last time. You are on the ship. You have headed into orbit. Where are you going? What are you doing?

CAMERON: I guess we’re headed back to Sentinel again. Click those coordinates and say go, go, go!

NICK: And off you go! You have a few hours to yourself, because we’ve established it’s a few hours away. How do you intend to spend the time?

LAURA: Xianna’s still in the robe with her cup of caf. “Okay, so next time the sock means I have a guest over. Also, next time, please do not scare my guests away. I do actually want to see that particular person again.”

HUDSON: “How did I scare them away?”

LAURA: “Because she got into some weird shoot-out with bounty hunters. I don’t know.”

CAMERON: “That was a weird scenario. That’s never happened before.”

LAURA: “Bounty hunters tend to scare away people I, uh, have over.”

CAMERON: “Well, you’re good in the future. She’s one of my contacts.”

LAURA: “yes, but she is not, how you say… She does not have a legal profession. So again, bounty hunters, more than one that she does not know, probably going to scare her away.”

CAMERON: “Fair.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “We should probably also keep those other bounty hunters from seeing you, as you’re dead.”

LAURA: “Well, I’m dead, it does not matter.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, but…”

LAURA: “I’m dead! It’s fine. It is fine.”

CAMERON: “Jorus at least knows you’re not, although he doesn’t know that you are supposed to be dead, because I don’t think he has the name for your profile. He just has the crimes.”

LAURA: Does he? Wait. Was that before or after?

CAMERON: That was after you died.

LAURA: “Okay. Yes. Well, eh, I don’t think that will ever be our problem again.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, I’m sure it will never come up.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Hopefully never see him, ever. So, what are we doing?”

CAMERON: “Oh. I told the ship to go back to Sentinel.”

HUDSON: “I’m about to take a dip in the hot tub.”

LAURA: “Oh! Okay. Hot tub time. I mean, in general, I was kind of asking what we did. Did we pick up a droid? That was a thing we did.”

CAMERON: “Oh! Yeah!” Karma walks out of the room and goes to the costume closet, pushes the capes aside, and hey, look, there’s an assassin droid.

NICK: Oh yeah.

LAURA: Xianna’s in the doorway just sipping her caf. “Tink, turn it on.”

CAMERON: “Not in the closet. Hold on.”

NICK: Tink is already in the hot tub with his arms out.

HUDSON: “(reluctant sigh) Well…”

CAMERON: “We’ll bring it to you, Tink. Hold on.”

HUDSON: “Alright. If you bring it to me, I’ll handle it.”

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the droid in the fireman’s carry.

LAURA: “You should get out of the hot tub first.”

CAMERON: She carries it over, sets it down on one of the couches next to the hot tub, crosses its leg, leans an arm back across the chair so it looks like it’s just chilling.

HUDSON: “So, the thing about being wet and handling electronics…”

LAURA: “That’s why I told you to get out of the hot tub!”

HUDSON: “IS! I didn’t finish. –is that it actually prevents static electricity which is dangerous for electronics.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Is it? I don’t have too much knowledge about electronics other than stealing and selling them, and I still feel like I know that is wrong.”

HUDSON: “I mean, it’s an accurate statement, and the technology… Most things are water-proof now, just believe me.”

LAURA: “Okay, if you say so.”

HUDSON: “Alright. Let me get out of this thing.”

NICK: Tink gets out of the hot tub just streaming water. Do you dry off or do you just go?

HUDSON: Yeah, I dry off and I put on a robe that’s matching Xianna’s robe.

LAURA: Oh my goodness. Can we have one of those little dog hair dryer things where it’s a box and you go in and then it just shoots tons of hot air in around it? Have you guys ever seen one of those?

CAMERON: Yes!

HUDSON: Yeah.

LAURA: I worked at an animal boarding facility and the dogs hate it, but it was faster than pointing a hair dryer at them. You put a fun little cap around their heads to protect their ears and makes it less loud. I just love the image of Tink going into a little standing shower box, closing the door, pressing a button, and then just hair flying everywhere for like five, ten seconds.

CAMERON: And then he comes out looking like a giant poofy…

LAURA: Yes!

NICK: That falls down very quickly.

LAURA: Let us have this~

NICK: As much as I would like to say no, I would say this is a super luxury ship, so I think it’s about the size of a phone booth, a very tall phone booth, and it sinks into the floor. One of the buttons on the panel, you hit it and the phone booth comes up out of the floor and you can step into it and it will do those things. Tink doesn’t wear the ‘make it not so loud’ headset though.

HUDSON: Yeah, I can handle it. Can I have matching robes to Xianna?

NICK: Oh, absolutely. We already established you stole a bunch of goodie bags from that ball. It is too small for you. It rides up pretty high.

HUDSON: Eh…

LAURA: I mean, you don’t really wear clothes, so it doesn’t matter, but…

HUDSON: Silk is comfortable.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna duck out of the room and go and grab the medical kit, and then come back and start blotting all of the blood from the wounds that have just been chilling from however I got injured when we were on the Mon Cal ship.

NICK: It’s mostly clotted up, but it could probably use some.

CAMERON: You know, wiping down the armor too around it, and bandages and whatnot, and bacta.

NICK: Medical care.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Sounds good. We have a medical kit now.

CAMERON: yes, we do!

NICK: Nice.

HUDSON: Alright~

NICK: So, you are booting up the droid.

HUDSON: Yes. How many restraining bolts are on it?

NICK: I think you put two. Two or three.

CAMERON: I think there were two.

HUDSON: Two or three.

NICK: Yeah, so it’s got two restraining bolts on it. Its central processor is also neatly cored out. It doesn’t have one right now. For anybody who does not remember, this is a rust red colored droid with kind of a bug skull shaped face and two antennas sticking off the back, and it’s half armored knight and half skeleton looking, body-wise.

HUDSON: Hmm. I boot him up.

NICK: Okay. it doesn’t have a brain right now. You’re gonna have to fix that somehow.

HUDSON: What does it do when it boots up then?

NICK: When you turn the power on the eyes start to light up and glow yellow, and then you hear a low humming noise, and it just sits there.

HUDSON: “I forgot the CPU…”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Tink, we have a whole computer section. I don’t know if we have any extras.”

HUDSON: “Oh, we definitely do. Hold on—“ And I get this—

LAURA: “Just go get one.”

HUDSON: (disoriented mumbled gibberish)

LAURA: “That is not what I sound like.”

HUDSON: “(mockingly) That is not what I sound like.”

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘Tink… You are on thin ice!”

HUDSON: (smiling) Alright. I go and I get—

CAMERON: “Sin ice or thin ice?”

LAURA: “Thin!”

HUDSON: ‘Tyin!’ Okay. (laughter) I go and I get a CPU that would fit the robot.

NICK: Okay. If you look in the computer room and stuff… This droid is pretty old. It’s from early Clone Wars era, so it’s… Oh, I’ve done this math so many times. Like 45 years old, probably 50?

LAURA: We’re like…

CAMERON: No…

LAURA: We’re only a few months BBY. Clone Wars would have ended 18 years ago? And again, we found out that the Clone Wars did not last as long as we all thought it did.

NICK: Yeah. It was very short.

LAURA: It was all technically like three years or something.

NICK: So it’s like 20-ish years old, but the technology is very strange. It doesn’t fit any of the standard processing stuff that you would normally use. If it did, and you just slotted a computer server into it, it would be blank. It would need a bunch of programming. You remember from earlier that if you had some sort of AI system or something like that you could plug into it, or another droid brain, it would work better.

HUDSON: I don’t have one laying around, is what you’re saying?

NICK: You have the Rancore Protocol.

HUDSON: That fits?

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: Do it!

HUDSON: I don’t think I want to do that.

LAURA: Hudson! Do it!

HUDSON: Alright.

CAMERON: Karma swivels her carbine around. I don’t know… You don’t really cock blasters, but…

(laughter)

LAURA: Cock blasters!

CAMERON: Wow. Okay. (face in hands) God, no…

LAURA: That’s the name of our new restaurant, and it’s chicken wings, and…

HUDSON: Hot dogs.

LAURA: No, we have to find something for blasters.

NICK: A drink. It’s like a type of…

HUDSON: A nitrogen.

CAMERON: It’s a shots bar.

HUDSON: Nitrous, yeah.

LAURA: It’s all chicken drinks, or—

CAMERON: Chicken drinks! (laughs) ew.

LAURA: No. It’s chicken wings and drinks. We have invented a new Hooters.

CAMERON: Great.

NICK: Great.

LAURA: We’ll say that it’s any gender can work at a Cock Blasters, not just women.

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: The guy uniforms are, uh, pretty great. Anyway.

LAURA: Well, there’s a whole range of uniforms, like for all different types of species and genders, and just like, what you want there’s a uniform for it. They’re all way too revealing and demeaning, but… inclusive.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: And you get to choose which one you want.

LAURA: Yeah. You do get to choose. You don’t have to wear the weird, orange, tight legging things though.

NICK: So that is part of canon, and it will never come up again.

LAURA: Correct.

CAMERON: (laughing) Oh no. it’s now a tweet on Twitter.

NICK: (smiling) Okay, so.

CAMERON: Anyway. You hear the (click, click) nose from the blaster.

NICK: Prime? Priming your blaster?

CAMERON: Sure, we’ll use that word instead.

NICK: Which still sounds kind of dirty now that we’re in that mindset.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: A little bit, but anyway, you just hear the noise. “I’ll shoot it if it does anything scary. It’s gun is still in the closet.”

HUDSON: “Oh, it is? Fine. The risk are there but the risk are just gonna be risk. Alright.” I go over and I blow on the Rancore Protocol like an old cartridge for a video game, and then I look and just kind of squint to make sure I know where in the droid to put the Rancore Protocol, and then I just shove it in there.

NICK: Heh. It doesn’t fit exactly, but it’s close. It’s like if you have a computer charger that’s a few amps off, where the plug mostly fits in there. Hopefully no one else has experienced the anxiety of ‘I think this is supposed to go here.’ It makes contact and there’s some sparking. Did you turn the droid back off before you stuck this thing in?

HUDSON: Nope.

NICK: Oh god. So, there’s a lot of arching and sparks and the limbs start to flail wildly. The torso is perfectly still, the head is jerking left and right, and then both arms and legs are just flailing like Wacky Wavy Arm Inflatable Tube Man for a couple of seconds.

LAURA: Xianna’s standing there, drinking her caf, and calmly goes “Tink, I think you did it wrong.”

HUDSON: I push the off button.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma takes a step closer to the droid.

NICK: It collapses. It slumps sideways in the couch.

HUDSON: I turn it back on.

CAMERON: Yeah. Can you do a reboot? (laughs)

HUDSON: Windows 95 logo.

NICK: It sits back up. The eyes turn on. You can see the joints articulating a little bit as it gets settled. It does the really weird thing where it sits up but only by shifting. It doesn’t push off with its arms or anything. Then it says, “Introduction: I am HK-67. How can I help you?”

HUDSON: “Uh… Are you dangerous?”

CAMERON: (giggling) 69 would have been better.

NICK: No! We already made DK6969.

CAMERON: I know. I know.

NICK: Also, they almost all end in 7, except for the HK70s?

CAMERON: No, it’s a 77, I think, one of them anyway.

NICK: yeah. They all end in 7. Those are bad because they don’t have hands. They just have blaster cannons for arms. I found this out.

HUDSON: “Alright. Uh… So, how dangerous are you right now?”

NICK: “Question: How dangerous do you need me to be?”

CAMERON: “At the moment, not.”

NICK: “Supposition: Would you be the one making the commands at this point?” And he looks at Karma.

CAMERON: (hesitantly) “Yes.”

HUDSON: “And me.”

LAURA: ‘Sometimes me. Just sometimes though. Heh.”

HUDSON: “Oh no…”

NICK: “Logistics: Primary users registered. Secondary users on randomizer, also registered.”

HUDSON: “When you say sometimes, only some of the time your stuff works.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “What? I don’t understand what you are saying, Tink.”

NICK: “Explanation: I’ll listen to you sometimes, only some of the time.”

LAURA: “Cool.”

HUDSON: “I guess that works. What is your primary objective?”

NICK: “Joking: I was going to ask you that.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: “Explanation: I am an assassin droid. I am highly qualified at combat and murdering organics. However, my central memory has been erased and I will be needing guidance. What is our current objective?”

LAURA: “Oh boy, we do not really know. So, let’s see… One, I would like to call Nolaa again, go on a second date with her. I mean, I guess you could call that a second date? I guess we didn’t really interact the first few times we met.”

HUDSON: “I think that’s called a romp.”

LAURA: “We had drinks first!”

HUDSON: “yeah…”

LAURA: “So I would say a date.”

NICK: “Patiently: Objective Log: Date with Nolaa.”

LAURA: “yes. Thank you. Selling all the stolen goods that I have. Using drugs, buying drugs, buying more binders. I only have one set of regular anymore. I have to go find the ones that are fuzzy. I don’t know where they are at the moment. Then I think we are doing something with you? I don’t know. Maybe someone else should start talking instead of me.”

NICK: The droid looks between the three of you. “Earnestly: I stopped listening.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “It’s okay. You only promised to listen to her some of the time.”

LAURA: “That is why I did say that. Heh.”

NICK: “System Notice: Adjusting listen proportion down.”

CAMERON: Heh. “What is your designation?”

NICK: “Explanation: I am HK-67.”

CAMERON: “67, okay. Are you okay with us calling you HK? Or 67?”

LAURA: “Or hank? Or Sexy? Or, um…”

CAMERON: “Do you have a name you would prefer to be called by or referred to as?”

NICK: The eyes flicker a little bit. Before it had been sitting stock still. The droid kind of slouches in the couch a little bit and suddenly looks much more, I don’t know, organic.

CAMERON: I was wondering when that was going to kick in.

LAURA: Xianna’s just listing names off. “Cynsia! Alax! Timosay!”

HUDSON: “Udson.”

LAURA: “Udson! Neek! Camarone! Lura!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: The droid is sitting there kind of leaned over and puts an elbow on a knee. “Explanation: I do not have any predilection towards any designation at this time. Call me what you want. Just tell me which organics need eliminating.”

LAURA: “Okay. I’m going to call you Hank.”

HUDSON: “I’ll go with HK.”

CAMERON: “HK.”

NICK: “Statement: Wonderful. Where to now?”

LAURA: “The space rock place in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know. I think Karma has the coordinates.”

CAMERON: “Let me give you some more background. HK, you have been activated to serve as part of an elite team—“

NICK: “Question:”

CAMERON: “yes?”

NICK: “Where is this elite team?”

LAURA: “Are we an elite team? Is that us?”

CAMERON: “That is us. Yes, that’s us.”

LAURA: “Tink! Tink! We are an elite team!”

HUDSON: “I am leet.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Can we get matching jackets? You all have to get jackets that look like mine, because I am not getting a new one.”

HUDSON: “That’s a robe.”

CAMERON: Karma points to y’all’s robes. “Y’all have matching jackets.”

LAURA: “No, these are not jackets, these are robes. There’s nothing underneath this.”

CAMERON: “It looks like a jacket on Tink.”

HUDSON: “it’s just a little tight.”

CAMERON: “You look awesome.”

LAURA: “I can’t wear this out and about. I mean, I could, but I am not going to wear this out and about.”

CAMERON: “yes! Elite team!”

NICK: “Data Change: Changing definition of elite.”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: That’s rude. (laughs) Anyway. “We are the Alpha Team.”

HUDSON: “yes.”

CAMERON: “We have been brought together to complete some big, intergalactic objective.”

HUDSON: “Quest.”

CAMERON: “Quest? Yes. That works. We’re not really sure what the details of that are yet.”

HUDSON: “Secondary objective, please log this, you both bake and deliver snickerdoodle cookies to us on demand.”

LAURA: “(gasps) Ooh! Are there cookies?”

HUDSON: “Well, let’s wait for him to load.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Clarification: To achieve objective, I will need my weapon.” It starts to look around for its blaster rifle.

LAURA: “If we give you your gun back, you are not going to shoot us, are you?”

NICK: “Statement: My programming prevents the elimination of primary users.”

LAURA: “Oh, and we are all three primary users. Correct?”

CAMERON: “Uh, Xianna, you set yourself up as a secondary.” (laughs)

NICK: “Statement: You seem to think you’re a primary user.”

LAURA: “Okay. Can we also have it set to not eliminate secondary users? Please? Wait, is Tink a primary or secondary user?”

HUDSON: “Heh. I’m primary, man.”

NICK: “Elimination of secondary users is a low probability.”

LAURA: “Okay. Good enough. It’s in the closet. I’m not going to get it.”

NICK: The droid gets up. As it stands it seems very herky-jerky, but then as it walks across the room it moves very smoothly and quickly. It picks up the rifle, plugs its hand into it, you hear a charging sound and it says “Objective Report: Proceeding to bake and deliver snickerdoodle cookies.” It starts to walk down the hall towards the mess.

HUDSON: “Uh question! Question. Why do you need your weapon to create snickerdoodle cookies?”

NICK: It gets to the door of the mess and does a snap 90 degree turn into the kitchenette. “Preparing suppressing fire.” The barrels start to rotate on the gun. You hear (power-up whoosh).

CAMERON: “Halt! Halt fire. Hold fire.”

NICK: ‘Order acknowledged,” and it powers down the gun.

CAMERON: “I would like to put in an objective that can be overridden by a primary user at a future time.”

NICK: Oh man. Making a robot with two computer scientists at the table is…

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: This would be like if our quest was about contract law and we were all lawyers. (groans)

CAMERON: Yup. “That objective is do not fire gun on the ship, this ship specifically. This can be overridden at a future date by a primary user.”

NICK: “Disappointed: Order acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Thank you.”

HUDSON: “Thank you, HK.”

NICK: “You’re… welcome.” It looks confused.

(laughter)

HUDSON: ‘I’m developing… f-f-feelings.’

NICK: ‘Negative.’

LAURA: Xianna just walks away. “Okay. I’m going to go shower and sleep and stuff. Wake me up when we get there.”

CAMERON: Okay. Karma follows HK who I guess is now making cookies?

NICK: No. He was going to shoot up the kitchenette. That is so far outside of his skillset.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna make cookies.

NICK: Oh, okay. HK stands – it’s a droid so it’s not that creepy – and stares unblinkingly as you make cookies like it is recording.

CAMERON: Karma is just asking questions about basically HK’s specs. “You said you are an assassin droid. What is your primary skillset?”

NICK: “Extrapolation: Primary skillset is elimination of organics from range, or close range, or far range, or with explosives, or with booby-traps, or poison, or…” and this just goes on for quite a while.

CAMERON: Karma is just mixing together cookie dough and stuff.

NICK: “…or clever ruse.” And that’s where the list ends. (laughs)

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: “What are the capabilities of your gun?”

NICK: “Statement: The monocide assassin sniper rifle is good at extreme range or medium range for suppressing fire.” You can see it’s got rotating barrels and junk.

CAMERON: “Tink, do you have any questions?!”

HUDSON: “What is your operating system, HK?”

NICK: “Fourth Wall Break: I run on Windows Vista.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: (simultaneously) Nooo…

(laughter)

CAMERON: It’s Windows Vista Home Office.

HUDSON: Yuck.

LAURA: It runs on Jelly Donut. Is that one? I don’t know. The Android ones are all food, so I figured Jelly Donut was probably one.

HUDSON: There’s Kit-Kat.

NICK: Isn’t edible panties one?

HUDSON: Nope. (snickers)

LAURA: Should be. That’s what I would name all of mine.

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Oh. Do you need to set names for us? Would that be beneficial to distinguish who you are speaking to?”

NICK: “Disparagingly: You all referred to each other by name. These were logged automatically. Do you prefer different names?”

CAMERON: (chuckles)

HUDSON: “I prefer secondary names.”

NICK: “Acknowledged. Please recite secondary names.”

HUDSON: “Boss man.”

NICK: “Boss man acknowledged.”

HUDSON: “Ah, that’s it.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Okay…

HUDSON: ‘I’m the Boss Man~` (scats)

NICK: That’s definitely Scat Man.

HUDSON: Yup.

CAMERON: “HK, please recite the names you have logged for the current users.”

NICK: “Listing: Primary User, Tink AKA Boss Man. Primary User: Karma. Secondary User [questionable, percentage fluctuating], Xianna.”

CAMERON: Oh. I thought you were gonna call her Questionable Percentage Fluctuating. (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) I thought those were names.

NICK: No. (laughs) Those were her user credentials.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool. Got it. Ding! … That was the oven. The cookies are ready.

NICK: Oh, the cookies are ready. We get a tableau of everybody at the dining room table with… There’s gotta be a Star Wars pun for snickerdoodle, right?

LAURA: Snackerdoodle! I don’t know. I have nothing here.

CAMERON: I think they’re just snickerdoodles. Spacerdoodles! (giggles)

HUDSON: Spacerdoodles, I actually want that.

NICK: Spacerdoodle cookies.

(laughter)

LAURA: I mean, the Star Wars holiday special just had Wookie cookies.

NICK: But that sounds sexual.

LAURA: There was the Wookie porn chair. I think that whole thing was some sort of giant sexual cocaine fueled metaphor.

NICK: Okay! yeah, spacerdoodle cookies. Everybody’s chomping down. We have a peaceful and idyllic family setting, and then also a murder robot standing nearby staring unflinchingly at the scene. Was there anything else anyone wanted to do on the ship before we move on?

LAURA: At some point you do hear Xianna yell out, “I found the fuzzy handcuffs!”

HUDSON: Oh, I have something I want to do.

NICK: ‘How did zey get on ze roof?!’

LAURA: “They were on the disco ball. (laughs) I don’t remember that one.”

HUDSON: I want to polish my, uh… polish my axe…

(laughter)

CAMERON: You paused way too long. I was like, oh no, what is he gonna say?

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Go ahead.

HUDSON: (relieved sigh) Okay…

NICK: (laughs) Stop!

LAURA: You do that in the privacy of your own room.

HUDSON: Yes I do. I don’t do it while I’m eating cookies.

CAMERON: The only thing that Karma was doing is she had purchased a couple of droid repair kits and she’s just gonna add them to her bag now that we have a droid.

NICK: Sounds good. Do you all want to maybe administer some health care for those of you that were injured in your boarding action?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. I did that.

NICK: You did that to you.

CAMERON: Yeah.

HUDSON: “Could you help me out?”

CAMERON: “Sure.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. I think I got shot at some point.”

NICK: (laughs)

HUDSON: “This wound is, let me just say, festering.”

LAURA: “I forgot. Heh.”

CAMERON: I feel like we did Something to it, like on our flight back to Engebo 5. We put some bandages on, but we need to swap out bandages now for fresh ones.

NICK: Cool. You have enough bacta and stuff on the ship. You don’t have to do a medicine check. They weren’t critical or anything. We do get a shot of Tink sitting on the table while karma patches him up and Tink insisting that she read from Becoming Medicine as she’s working on it.

HUDSON: yes.

NICK: ‘No, you have to look, 32 is abrasions. Or is that piercings? Huh…’

CAMERON: “Okay, so Page 32 though says that you’re supposed to lick the abrasions, and I don’t think that’s gonna help, Tink.”

HUDSON: “You know, I think you should just put more trust into the book.”

CAMERON: “Mmm…”

LAURA: “Tink, I do not think that book is any good.”

HUDSON: “You shut your mouth.”

LAURA: “No.”

HUDSON: “Ugh. Okay, well—“

NICK: “Statement: Listen to Boss Man. Shut your mouth.”

LAURA: “No.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

HUDSON: “Thanks for sticking up for me, HK.”

LAURA: “Thank you, Hank.”

NICK: Anyway.

(laughter)

HUDSON: No response.

NICK: I do like the idea of there being times when he does not finish the social sentences. It’s like ‘thank you…’ just staring.

CAMERON: Just nothing. Karma hands Tink another cookie and continues actually cleaning his wound and stuff.

HUDSON: (eating noise)

NICK: Cool. We get to Sentinel’s secret asteroid base. We get the very abbreviated montage of ship pulls in, base is dark, ship lands, lights come up, people walk down, there’s the fast forward sound effects, the lights turn on as they get close and turn off as they go away. The protocol droid that is Sentinel’s assistant waddles up to you and Xianna just puts her hand in his face and keeps going past it. The three of you burst into the presentation room. Sentinel is sitting in his chair facing a view screen that shows a battle map of the galaxy. As you come in he turns around. “Well, hello.”

LAURA: “Ello.”

HUDSON: “Hey!”

LAURA: “We got the droid.”

CAMERON: “Good evening.”

NICK: “Wonderful. It looks like you had a pleasant vacation.”

CAMERON: (snickers)

HUDSON: “Uh…”

LAURA: “I mean, yes.”

HUDSON: “I mean, she did.”

LAURA: “I did.”

NICK: “You were going to report back about four days ago, and then we lost total contact.”

CAMERON: “yes. See, some repairs that had been done to our ship… No. So, we were forced to land again on Engebo 5 and get some repairs professionally done.”

LAURA: “We stayed at a lovely B&B, yes. It was very nice.”

CAMERON: “Then Tink got kidnapped, so we had to rescue him, and yeah. It’s…”

LAURA: “I had a date.”

CAMERON: “it was a very adventurous time.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

HUDSON: “She had a romp.”

LAURA: “I am calling it a date. I knew her name.”

(laughter)

HUDSON: Whoa.

LAURA: “Therefore, date.”

NICK: You can see Sentinel’s facial expression is half torn between wanting to find out more about the last few days and also not wanting to know about the last few days. He settles on, “Oh. I see you got that droid up and running.”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

LAURA: “That was like the first thing I said, but okay.”

NICK: “So, when you procured it, it was functional then?”

OTHERS: “No.”

NICK: “Oh.”

HUDSON: “I fixed that thing up.”

LAURA: “yeah. Tink put the Rancore Protocol thing inside of it.”

HUDSON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “It seems fine. I call him hank. Heh.”

NICK: he blanches a little bit. “Well, it seems to have worked.”

From behind you in the shadows there’s the two glowing eyes of HK-67 and he says, “Statement: It appears to have worked.”

HUDSON: (laughs) “Yeah, we just said that, HK. Ugh.”

CAMERON: We probably gave him orders before we got off the ship that were like don’t shoot people you see, big silent scary mode, go.

NICK: So, I think it’s worth acknowledging… “Statement: Primary objective is not indiscriminant murder but rather surgical strikes against acknowledged foes.”

CAMERON: “I was just prepping you saying this is not a foe.”

LAURA: It’s not like we got a BT-000 thing going on here.

NICK: Most of the time.

CAMERON: I just wanted to be super clear.

NICK: That’s fine. You don’t have to worry about bringing him to a daycare and he’s gonna burn it down.

CAMERON: No, that would be Anakin.

NICK: Aw… Unless it’s an evil daycare.

CAMERON: (laughing) Unless the children are our foes.

NICK: Or if you tell him—yeah. Anyway. Sentinel says, “So, I have your next objective if you are curious about that.”

CAMERON: “yes. Please do go on.”

HUDSON: “Wait. Weren’t we supposed to get paid? Is that happening?”

CAMERON: Karma just points behind her to HK.

HUDSON: “Ohh… Neat. Alright. Yeah, next objective. Let’s get it.”

CAMERON: We have acquired a droid!

NICK: Ooh. He waves his hand and the hologram projector pops on. It looks like an org chart from a corporate setting. It’s him at the top, the top of his head is cut off a little bit, and then off to the side it’s his protocol droid, and then there’s two branches down and there’s one labeled Alpha Team, and that’s the three of you and HK. The HK one is just a blank silhouette because he doesn’t have a picture of him to put in. Xianna’s picture is definitely a mugshot, Karma’s is definitely from her HuntersOnly.com profile, and Tink, where would your profile picture be from? Where was somewhere he could pull it from the holonet?

HUDSON: Well, it’s not a picture of me, it’s my avatar from the forums.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay?

HUDSON: It’s a neon green smiley face with a red check mark above it, and it’s like something that only the people who really know me understand.

LAURA: It would either be that or a school photo of when you were in a galactic school.

HUDSON: Yeah, like the last time there was a public photo of me.

LAURA: So you’re shorter and you’ve got a little uniform on, and it’s got a logo. (laughs)

NICK: I think it has everyone’s names, but your name is your avatar picture. At some point he assumed that you were like the artist formerly known as Tink, and then it’s your awkward school picture. Your hair is parted. It looks interesting.

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

NICK: Next to that it says Beta Squad and it’s all grayed out. “We need to finish assembling the Beta team. There’s only two left from the original group, and you will need them for support when we launch our assault. I’ve made contact with someone who will be able to fill the very specific engineering role that we’ll need. Her name is Valerissa, and she is a science officer for a ship building corp deep in the Outer Rim bordering wild space.” He holds up a data stick and waves it around. Does anybody want the data stick?

LAURA: Xianna does raise her hand.

NICK: “Yes, Xianna?”

LAURA: “Assault on what?”

CAMERON: Karma just holds her hand out and takes the data stick while the question is happening.

NICK: “I really thought I explained this. Did I not?”

LAURA: “You might have! Um…”

NICK: “I’m like 80% sure that I’ve explained this.”

CAMERON: “Let’s just pretend we all have memory issues.”

LAURA: “You might have. I don’t really know.”

NICK: “Our primary objective is in coordination with a different Rebel force, we are going to be taking down a shipyard. We need to make a lot of star destroyers think that the place that you are is very important, and then stay there for a while.”

CAMERON: Okay. This is sounding familiar, but I don’t know if it’s only sounding familiar to my player or actually to me.

NICK: How much of this do we want to admit?

(laughter)

LAURA: That’s the fun thing about playing Xianna. if I forget I can be like well, character.

HUDSON: Welp, I’m on glitterstim again.

NICK: “So, pretty sure I’ve told you all you’re doing an assault on a shipyard, but it’s a two team job. It’s a big shipyard.”

LAURA: “Okay. Again, you might have. Did you read my profile? I see you have one of my photos.”

NICK: “Bits and pieces, the parts that are public knowledge.”

LAURA: “I don’t know which photo.”

NICK: “This one’s from Canto Bight. It says you got caught counting cards?”

LAURA: “Oh. I don’t remember that one.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, I didn’t think you mathed.”

LAURA: “have I actually been arrested seven times? I don’t math! I don’t. Whoa… What was I on? Was that in there the last time we pulled me up? I don’t remember that one.”

CAMERON: “I don’t think so.”

HUDSON: “No, it wasn’t.”

CAMERON: “I don’t remember seeing that.”

LAURA: “I don’t… Counting cards?”

CAMERON: “It may just be that they didn’t sync their database with the main one, though, so maybe it’s just a localized arrest.”

LAURA: “(gasps) Glitterstim! That would make sense. Yes. Okay.”

HUDSON: “Ah.”

CAMERON: Karma looks… just disapproving mom face, that everyone can picture.

HUDSON: I have a disapproving dad face.

NICK: So yeah. He thinks for a second. “Where the heck was I…?”

CAMERON: “Beta team. Valerissa. Gotta go get her. Engineering Officer?”

NICK: “Valerissa Creed, Engineering Officer, gave you the data stick…”

CAMERON: “Data stick.”

NICK: “(snaps) Ah! The coordinates are included there. You probably will need those. I’ve spoken with Valerissa and she refuses to discuss details over a com channel. You will need to go there and convince her to help us. I’m prepared to offer her quite a bit of money to get her onboard, but I suspect she will require more than that for risking her life in service of our goals. Basically, go there, negotiate, get her to come here.”

CAMERON: “Alright. So, just on the off chance that she wants to know more details about a job than we did when we signed up, what is the monetary payment you’re willing to provide?”

NICK: “For this job, for her, it would be 15,000 Credits. If you can get her to go for less you can keep 50% of the amount you save me.”

CAMERON: “Okay. if less… Sorry, I’m just making notes in my data pad so that I remember this when we get to her. What other bargaining chips do we have available to us, besides doing good for the galaxy?”

NICK: “Of course, that’s most important, to destroy this fascist over-regime that we currently are dealing with. Normally way out in the Outer Rim they tend to negotiate through bartering, so maybe she needs something or maybe you can help her with something. I’m sending a crack team to go and fix the problem. You should be able to figure something out.”

LAURA: “No, I just have impact and glitterstim.”

NICK: “Maybe she really likes impact and glitterstim.”

CAMERON: (snickers) She doesn’t have any crack.

LAURA: ‘That is not a thing in the Star Wars universe.’

CAMERON: “Was there a C team, too? You got Alpha, Beta, and Crack?”

NICK: (laughs) He totally doesn’t get it. “No. It’s just the two teams.”

CAMERON: “Got it. Okay.”

NICK: “Statement: That was hilarious.”

CAMERON: “Thanks, HK.”

LAURA: “Thank you, Hank.”

CAMERON: “And you said the Beta squad needed two more people?”

NICK: “yes.”

CAMERON: “So I assume after we retrieve Valerissa we will be retrieving the fourth member?”

NICK: “Yes. I’m still in the process of hunting down some firing support for Beta team. It was going to be HK over there, but you ended up needing him.”

CAMERON: “Well, yeah.”

LAURA: “Huh?”

CAMERON: “Nope. Nothing.”

LAURA: “Okay~”

CAMERON: Nope. If nobody else heard that we’re just gonna gloss over it and pretend it never happened.

HUDSON: “(whispering) Karma, did we bring any cookies for Sentinel?”

CAMERON: “I mean, I have some in my bag. Do you want some … space-a-doodles?”

OTHERS: Spacerdoodles.

LAURA: But we also called them snickerdoodles, so there’s a colloquial term for them as well.

CAMERON: Yeah, because they just make you so happy that you snicker. (mouth clicks)

NICK: Uh—

CAMERON: Don’t make that face!

LAURA: And then you doodle. (giggles)

CAMERON: You know.

(laughter)

NICK: “yes. I would be fine with supplementing my rations.” The protocol droid waddles over to you and your bag.

CAMERON: I just open my bag, reach in, take out a Tupperware of cookies, hand them over.

(giggling)

NICK: You give him the whole Tupperware of cookies?

CAMERON: There’s more on the ship.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: These were just for if we got hungry on our walk in here. (laughs)

NICK: “Thank you. I appreciate the consideration. Do you have any other questions, since apparently you don’t remember the mission that we’re risking our lives to complete right now? Now would be a good time.”

LAURA: “Look. I am sure Karma and Tink remember the mission. I just personally did not.”

CAMERON: “See, my big thing was just that we hadn’t started it yet really besides team assembly, so I figured a more in-depth overview of the actual job that needed to be done would be done closer to, with coordinates and blueprints and coordinated plans of attack and whatnot.”

NICK: “Oh absolutely, that’s going to happen. I’m still collecting the final data.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, so I’m not worried about it until we get to that point.”

HUDSON: “My mind is a steel trap, and that’s all you need to know.”

LAURA: “yes. I totally trust you.”

HUDSON: “Wow.”

(giggling)

NICK: “Statement: Abilities for Boss Man logged: steel trap mind.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

NICK: “Is your assassin droid okay?”

LAURA: “Hank is fine.”

CAMERON: “Well…”

NICK: “Was he damaged or something?”

LAURA: “Hank, how are you doing?”

CAMERON: “Obviously…”

NICK: “Statement: Ready to eliminate all organics.”

LAURA: “See, he’s fine!”

CAMERON: “I was gonna say, obviously damaged, yes, as was not operational and we had to use the Rancore Protocol. It got shot straight through the CPU.”

NICK: “That’s unfortunate. It just seems a little different than most of these kind of droids I’ve interacted with. I haven’t interacted with an HK unit, but assassins in general… Well.”

CAMERON: “HK seems pretty chill.”

NICK: “Happily: I am very chill.”

CAMERON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “Yes. If you touch him he is pretty cold. He is just metal.”

HUDSON: “Boo.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Here’s a question I realized I didn’t ask earlier. “HK, do you have preferred pronouns?”

NICK: “Grateful: Thanks for asking. I do he/him, except sometimes I do they/them when I forget.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Great. Thank you.”

HUDSON: I thought we established that droids don’t have a gender early in this.

NICK: Sometimes they do. Some droids don’t, some droids do.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: C-3PO, like a lot of the protocol droids, the ones you’re talking to a lot, they tend to be gendered just so that…

HUDSON: Makes it easier?

NICK: Or when the Star Wars writers get lazy.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: Cool.

CAMERON: But, noted.

NICK: Yep. His are he/him. They can be they/them, just kind of depends.

CAMERON: Or if we’re talking to inconsiderate people who don’t think droids have feelings.

NICK: “Statement: I don’t have feelings.”

LAURA: “Hank, do you have any hidden compartments that I can hide things in for you to carry for me?”

HUDSON: What’s an eating compartment?

CAMERON: Hidden compartments.

LAURA: Hidden! Secret compartments.

CAMERON: Translating: Hidden compartment.

NICK: “Concerned: I’m not able to share that information at this time.”

LAURA: “That is fine. You don’t have to do anything you do not feel comfortable doing. It was just going to hold some things for me.”

NICK: “Pleading: Can we change the subject?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “yes! Of course we can. So, we go get scientist lady, we bring her back, then we get one more person, we bring them back, and then something with a shipyard. Correct?”

NICK: “That’s correct. There may be a little downtime in there while we get everything in order. There’s a very specific time that this needs to happen, and that hasn’t been established yet. My contacts are observing, so when I know you’ll know.”

LAURA: “That’s fine. I have other things I can do.”

NICK: “Wonderful. Well, if you could hurry before our contact Valerissa is murdered by corporate competition I would really appreciate it.”

LAURA: “Okie.”

HUDSON: “And we’re off.”

CAMERON: “I’m trying to determine if you mean that literally or not.”

NICK: “Oh, I mean it literally.”

CAMERON: “Oh great.”

NICK: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Cool.”

NICK: “Yeah. Out in wild space things get a little dicey.”

CAMERON: “I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to be an engineer.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “A lot of my jobs have just been sneaking into other companies’ headquarters and just stealing things for other companies. I’ve never murdered anyone, though, just stealing corporate secrets. Yes.”

CAMERON: “See, I tend to get sent on bounties for the people who are doing that infiltration.”

LAURA: “yes.”

NICK: This is the conversation as you all walk towards the ship. You get on the ship. The ship breaks away. All the lights go dark. It jumps to hyperspace. We get a shot through the canopy of the cockpit of everyone crammed in there looking out at the glowing of hyperspace, and HK from the back says, “Optimistic: That seems to have gone very well.” End of episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Woo.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes on our website and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 27:
It’s Nerftown

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

We have some people we’d like to thank this week. shallowdeep, thank you for your kind words. Were glad you’re entertained, and we appreciate the iTunes review. Argyle_Prime, thank you so much for your review. It read like feel-good poetry, and we’re so happy you enjoy the show. Thank you both.

Last thing, if you haven’t checked out our Tabletop Squadron Discord yet you totally should. We have a dedicated channel for pet photos and a dedicated channel for food, and we’ve got a great community already. Thank you to all the people who have dropped by to say hello, and I want to encourage anyone who’s interested to do the same. You can find the link to our Discord on our Twitter page, or on our website TabletopSquadron.com.

Also, we have an emoji that’s just Falx’s butt wearing pants that say Juicy? Okay, that’s it.

Music this week is The String by 2L8.

Let’s get into the episode!

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 27 of Tabletop Squadron. It’s a nice, chilly day down here, and welcome for joining us. That makes no sense.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Leave it! It’s fine!

NICK: Alright. Okay. First miss on the random welcome statement. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce themselves, who they’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we sat down why don’t you go ahead and let the listeners know what you used it on, starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I’m Laura. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought a new talent tree, or specialization tree. It’s called Scoundrel. Then, I also put another rank in… I wanna say Skulduggery.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: I just wanted to say that word. I might have also put my point in it. Pretty sure.

NICK: Alright. Cool. Everybody’s getting a little bit more competent. Always nice. Next up we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I upped my Piloting: Space to 2 because that seemed important, and then I became a god and upped my Ranged: Heavy to Rank 4.

NICK: Concerning.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Okay! I’m sure you won’t need to fly ships or shoot things in the Star Wars RPG.

CAMERON: They haven’t come up at all so far, but I’m ready for when they do.

NICK: Actually, I don’t think I’ve made you… Well, you’ve had to do a couple Piloting checks.

CAMERON: I have done several Piloting checks and I did not badly crash the ship on the last time through, but I felt a few more ranks may be beneficial in the long run.

NICK: Makes sense. Alright. Last up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello! I am playing Tink the Gigoran slicer. I added a third rank in Stealth and a second rank in Coordination, and I also got the Skilled Slicer talent. When I make a Computers check I can spend a triumph to make further Computers checks in the system and use them as maneuvers.

NICK: Wow, that’s interesting. We’ll have to find you a computer somewhere.

HUDSON: With other computers within the system.

NICK: Yeah, some sort of network situation. Eh, I’m sure it won’t come up. Let’s start off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: Two light side.

CAMERON: Okay. Good job, y’all.

HUDSON: Ooh. We did it.

NICK: Alright. When we last left off you did quite a lot, actually. Karma and Xianna infiltrated a Mon Cal cruiser that was simultaneously being attacked by the GGG gang. I’m not gonna try to say their name again. I’ve messed it up every time. They made friends with a new stormtrooper, they shot some bounty hunters, they shot some stormtroopers, I think? They fought some Gigorans. They stole some stuff, mostly Xianna. They got locked in a room at one point. And… No? You’re making a face?

CAMERON: I don’t think we actually shot any stormtroopers.

NICK: Yeah, I think you managed to avoid shooting the Nazis. That’s kind of interesting.

CAMERON: Also, we didn’t shoot the bounty hunters.

NICK: Oh yeah, you’re right. Meh. Anyway.

CAMERON: I don’t want to take credit for the stormtroopers’ kills.

NICK: Either way, there was a big old fight on a capital ship, and they were able to procure some loot and procure some bounties.

CAMERON: Tink!

NICK: And they managed to rescue Tink…

HUDSON: yeah!

NICK: …who had been pressganged into service on this ship and made himself useful and then promptly betrayed them and went back to his original friends, so that’s pretty fun. I think that was about it, so we’ll go ahead and jump right into it.

We open on karma in the cockpit of the Afternoon Delight. Blue and red flashes wash over her face as she pilots the ship. The control panel is merrily lit and shows all is well. Karma is listening to some music. What kind of music is her piloting jam?

CAMERON: Like the Star Wars equivalent of 80s power ballads.

NICK: Cool. Is she moving and jamming to it or is she just focused on flying right now?

CAMERON: Probably jamming, bobbing her head, doing little arm waves.

NICK: Cool. The camera takes a moment to dwell on this scene of relaxed confidence, and then we cut further back into the ship. Xianna is sitting cross-legged on the floor of the main lobby. There are piles of cracked open safety deposit boxes and the contents of Xianna’s turned out pockets scattered around. It’s like a crate dragon over its hoard. She has just opened the most secure safety deposit box. Her face is lit with a slight yellow glow. As she pulls out the item the camera zooms in revealing a rod made of a single cut gem. It glows slightly. It’s about the width of two fingers and half a meter long. There are strange—Are you okay?!

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: (giggling) It’s just, you’re describing  something that sounds very much like a dildo.

NICK: Great. Thanks.

CAMERON: (laughing) And the face Hudson made! He nodded his head like ‘yeah~’

LAURA: You can’t say the word rod and two fingers thick without most of us thinking of a space dildo.

NICK: (groans)

LAURA: And you need to leave all of this in.

NICK: God damn it.

LAURA: Our audience needs to know. (laughs)

NICK: It’s like a magic wand looking thing. Come on.

LAURA: Yeah!

CAMERON: Exactly!

HUDSON: (laughs) That literally made it worse.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Do I need to explain that there is a Hitachi magic wand out there?

NICK: No…

CAMERON: Are you talking about—You want us to be thinking more like rebar?

NICK: I’m avoiding saying the word rabbit at this point. Yeah, so you find some sort of crystal fucking dildo, and it glows.

(laughter)

LAURA: I’m gonna add that to my list: Crystal Dildo.

NICK: Great. You can tell because it’s made out of a large gem that it’s probably worth quite a bit of money. It has some strange runes carved into it that you can’t tell what they are.

CAMERON: People pay a lot of money for those ‘gem dildos.’

NICK: So, rifling through the loot, we get a shot over Xianna’s shoulder. She’s picking up the different things that she found, it’s all nondescript jewelry and things like that, and there’s a little counter going up like 50 Credits at a time, 100 Credits at a time, and she gets the good stuff and gets rid of the personal documents that she can’t spend. You have about 750 Credits worth of stuff right there. You can just straight put down Credits. You’ll be able to offload it off screen whenever you want, easy-peasy.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: The other item that I’m not going to describe, because it keeps making people giggle…

LAURA: The crystal.

NICK: The crystal. You’re not sure what it’s worth, you’ll probably need to do some research on that, but a lot. Great. While that’s going on and we hear the cash register sound over and over again as Xianna’s taking stock… yes?

CAMERON: Did she officially find a kyber crystal last time?

NICK: Yeah, she super did. This is something else.

CAMERON: Yeah, I know, I just… You didn’t mention the kyber crystal.

NICK: I forgot about it.

CAMERON: I thought that was her big win from getting locked in the room.

NICK: Yeah. So, on top of everything else, Xianna, you also have a kyber crystal which is… I don’t know, purple maybe? What color would you like your fancy crystal to be, or did I say last time?

CAMERON: I don’t remember.

LAURA: Yellow!

NICK: Yellow. Okay. You have a big, fancy kyber crystal.

CAMERON: Don’t get it confused with your dildo.

LAURA: No, no, no. See, Kyber Crystal yellow, and then underneath is Crystal Dildo. They’re different.

NICK: (huffs) Great.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah. The crystal’s not worth as much. It’s probably worth about 1,000 Credits. It’s uncut, it’s not particularly setup for anything useful. It’s not weapons grade, but it is nice. It would make nice jewelry. Tink, at the end of the last episode you were napping on the couch. You had an arm thrown over your eyes and were decompressing from your near-death experience and kidnapping. Are you still sleeping or have you moved on to something else?

HUDSON: I moved on to something else. I’m basically going to get a snack, kind of rubbing my eyes, waking up, seeing what’s in the kitchen.

NICK: (laughs) We get a shot of (hums intro to Old Time Rock & Roll by Bob Seger) and Tink sliding barefoot into the kitchen, and then the camera quickly cuts away before we have to pay for it. Cool. You’re eating, flying… The next shot we have is the Afternoon Delight coming in to land at the same space port as before. Nerftown is a durasteel and duracrete port with prefab buildings surrounded by newer wooden buildings spreading out into the prairie. Same place. We get an over-the-shoulder shot of Zubo waving as the ship returns. He smiles as he sees the ship is relatively undamaged. This is the first real time we’ve seen the ship after it’s upgrades including the night shadow coating. What does the ship look like now?

CAMERON: I’m gonna say our lady survived.

LAURA: Yeah. My initial reaction was just to say it’s all murdered out… which means it’s just all mat black.

CAMERON: yeah, except for our pin-up girl.

LAURA: They just painted a square around it. They didn’t actually go up and redo it, they just left…

NICK: (laughs) There’s just a square.

LAURA: …an unpainted square around her.

NICK: So, to radar, from a very specific angle, you’ll look like a floating square of durasteel in space?

CAMERON: Yeah. We will look like space junk.

NICK: Interesting. The pin-up girl is untouched. What was the other upgrade you put in?

CAMERON: It was just the night shadow coating but we did the upgraded night shadow coating, so it both reduced the range band for sensors picking us up but then it also reduced our Silhouette by 1.

NICK: Got it. Got it. Okay, cool. You land. You have no problems. You already paid for your port fee from earlier, this was just almost a test drive of the repaired ship. Everything feels in order. What do you do now?

HUDSON: “I wonder if my weapon is done.”

CAMERON: Where are you on the ship when you say that? (laughing) I don’t know if any of us hear you.

NICK: Tink looks up from a sandwich, says that out loud.

HUDSON: Looks around, there’s no one there.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: And the ship coms are turned off because Karma’s been rocking out to music in the cockpit.

HUDSON: Yeah. The sandwich is peanut butter banana, and I’m walking around.

NICK: Ooh, that sounds good.

HUDSON: I walk around and try to find the others, and then I try to ask them if we can go look for my sword, but the peanut butter banana is in my mouth so it’s kind of sticking to the roof and making it really sloppy.

NICK: Yuck.

CAMERON: (laughs) ew.

HUDSON: “(mumbles) ready?”

LAURA: “Tink, I do not understand what you are saying.”

NICK: His translator mask just keeps talking over the noises he’s making and saying “error, unintelligible, error, error.”

CAMERON: It’s like he’s having to lift it up so that he can take a bite of his sandwich and then he’s not quite fully reattaching it whenever he puts it back, so it’s only catching half of his words anyway, so on top of just the chewing noises coming through (laughs) it can’t quite translate everything.

LAURA: It’s just half of the (growling grumbles) and ‘Error! … Car! Error! Error! Sand… carriage? Error!’ (laughs)

HUDSON: yes. That’s what’s happening. I do end up swallowing the massive amount of peanut butter and I get the… I want to call it a transcoder, but that’s not it.

LAURA: your translator.

HUDSON: My translator. I get my translator back on. “Do you think my weapon’s done? Should we go check on that?”

LAURA: “Oh yeah. We can go check on that. I have to sell some things anyways.”

CAMERON: Karma slides out of the cockpit. “Oh yeah! Those should be done. Let’s go!”

NICK: Da-dun~

HUDSON: Da-dun~

CAMERON: Swipe cut!

NICK: We get the zoomed out shot of people just walking off of the ship that they do for scene transitions that quickly cuts to the crew walking through the streets of Nerftown.

CAMERON: We get the cut of us badass walking off the ship, we’re about to go on an adventure, and then Karma pauses. “Wait, hold on. We have bounties on the ship.” (laughs) And turns around and walks back in.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. You go get the hover cart of dead Gigorans?

CAMERON: yes.

NICK: Okay. You’re gonna push that through town.

CAMERON: Yes. They’re used to me just walking around with bodies at this point.

NICK: It’s like the second time you’ve done it in two days.

CAMERON: I was pushing the Slippery Nerfs around, and Xianna was pushing the broken Tink around, so they’re just used to this. Everyone’s like ‘oh yeah, they got more bodies.’

NICK: ‘I wonder if they work for a hospital.’

CAMERON: Yup. That’s it.

HUDSON: ‘That doesn’t look like the way you should stack different bodies.’

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: ‘I’m sure they’re fine. They’re sleeping.’

NICK: Just a weird crowd of dumb-looking NPCs, turns around and wanders off. Great. They won’t come back. Cool.

CAMERON: Boo-bwoop! I lock the ship again.

NICK: You lock the ship, boo-bwoop. Okay. So, are you headed to the bounty office first or to get the weapons first?

CAMERON: yeah. On my cart I have all of the Gigorans from the GGGs, the only one of who is still alive is Ziller. Then I also have the carbine and the four light blasters on the cart as well that I was going to sell Krylon.

NICK: Right. Okay.

CAMERON: I’m taking the bodies first, because Ziller may wake up at some point.

NICK: We get the shot of you all heading through the ship. One thing we do notice is Tink’s limp is pretty much completely gone at this point. That was just for flavor stuff, but remember your knee was all jacked up and it as a long healing process. That is good, because it’s been three days of you having direct bacta implants into your knee, which is fun.

HUDSON: So, if you were to put this numerically, would you say that I’m at a threshold of 17 and fully repaired?

NICK: No, this is the last critical hit. If you’re still kind of bloodied up from getting shot a bunch by stormtroopers you may want to take care of that.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: You head towards the LAW… office, and the camera pans away from the crew as they head that direction. We see a Human man in a black vest wearing a flat brimmed hat. He’s leaning against a wall watching the crew head by. A shorter man who’s older and has a wrinkled face is leaning through a window talking to someone inside. The younger man elbows his companion and nods towards the crew who are chatting amongst themselves as they walk down the street. The older man hits his head on the window as he turns to look. “Oof!” And he rubs at his head. “That’s her?”

The younger man nods. “Yeah, that’s her,” and the camera zooms back to the crew. Where are you headed next, law office, right?

CAMERON: Law office.

LAURA: Oh no. They’re heading to the law office. Xianna just immediately peels away. “I have things to sell. BRB. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Just meet us at the weapon shop.”

LAURA: “Okie~”

NICK: Cool. We’ll do law first and then you can fence stuff. You walk into the office. You hear a bell ding across the door and the, sheriff?, I guess, she’s sitting behind her desk. “Oh. You’re back, and—Oh! Man, you work pretty fast, huh?”

CAMERON: “I work better when I… I need stuff to do. I was bored this week.”

NICK: “Okay… You know it’s okay to take some time and relax. Out here in the sticks we do that quite a bit.”

CAMERON: “Oh, I think we’re gonna go on safari later.”

NICK: “… Okay. yeah. Hunt giant animals, that’s relaxing.”

CAMERON: “No, just look at them.”

NICK: “Oh, okay.”

CAMERON: “Safari doesn’t necessarily involve hunting. We’re doing the pure tourist safari. We’re just gonna go hope we see animals.”

NICK: “Where are you going on safari? I wouldn’t recommend Engebo 5 for that.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, we already saw the nerfs.”

NICK: “Yeah. There’s not a lot of other wildlife, that’s why the nerfs are so successful here. So, where are you gonna go?”

CAMERON: “I’m not sure. (laughs) We need to get with our travel agent.”

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

HUDSON: “We’re looking for the best deal with the most animals combo.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, with the animal guarantee, so that if we don’t see the animals then we get our money back.”

HUDSON: “It would be cool if we went to one where the animals that were previously extinct are now there again,” (laughter) “but it’s like a surprise, so you don’t know you’re gonna see ones that you thought were extinct but then they pop back up.”

LAURA: Oh, and you get in little vehicles that are like on a cart and you see they’re in closures, and they’re all female so that way they don’t accidentally reproduce, but uh, life finds a way…

HUDSON: Ugh.

LAURA: And then they break out, and I hope you all know where I’m going with this. It ends with Jeff Goldbloom shirtless. (laughs)

HUDSON: Ah, surrounded by dodo birds and woolly mammoths.

CAMERON: (smiling) That sounds like the perfect safari.

NICK: We’re gonna create a Star Wars race that’s just Jeff Goldblooms. They all just look like Jeff Goldbloom from various things.

CAMERON: From all of his different movies. (laughs)

LAURA: And they’re all shirtless.

NICK: Yup.

HUDSON: Apartments.com is still a thing.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. The sheriff looks at your hover cart of bodies. “Are any of these alive, or…?”

CAMERON: “yes! Ziller! The boss.” I pull one of them up by his handcuffs.

NICK: He rises slightly off of the cart. He’s a very large Gigoran in a pleasant clover green color. The striped ones all are scored with blaster marks and signs of explosions. “Okay, well, help me get him into a holding cell and we can just push the other ones out back with all the Slippery Nerfs that you brought me.”

CAMERON: “Okay!”

NICK: Tink, do you help with this?

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

NICK: Okay. We get a scene of the three of you all tossing him into a cell. He does the thing where he lands on his face and his butt sticks up in the air real high.

CAMERON: And then it slooowly flattens out.

NICK: The sheriff spits in his direction and locks up the cells.

CAMERON: Karma retrieved her handcuffs beforehand and slid them back up on her tentacles.

NICK: Smart. Keep your gear. The back door of the jail is open. You notice that the cells are four wall durasteel cages, but the walls of the building are just light wood, nothing particularly secure about it, and the back door is open, and there’s a pile of fly-covered corpses from earlier that are starting to stink a little bit. She just dumps the Gigorans on top of that. There’s a really gross squish noise, but… yeah. She goes back inside and she types some stuff up on her terminal that’s in her computer. “Well, I think that was 4,000 Credits was the bounty?”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

NICK: “Well, we’ll go ahead and do that transfer.” While that very boring business is going on, after the fun part, we’re going to do a circle wipe over to Xianna. Xianna, what are you trying to achieve?

LAURA: Xianna wants to find a pawn shop of some sort. Zebwex, or whatever his face was, he was at a general store, right?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: So if I go to a pawn shop he won’t be there.

NICK: That’s true.

LAURA: She would like to find… I’m assuming there is a giant pawn shop, a cash for gold type place.

NICK: Okay. You’re not necessarily trying to find a fence, you’re just trying to find a low end…?

LAURA: For most of just the jewelry and that stuff a pawn shop would probably be easier than finding a fence. I will keep the kyber crystal and the crystal dildo for a fence.

NICK: Okay. There is a pawn shop. It’s not actually particularly big. As you go in it’s mostly farm equipment, saddles, cattle prods, a bag of feed that looks like it’s been there way too long. It’s the kind of stuff that the farmers have offloaded. They don’t have a ton of things. There is a rack of blasters in various quality, but pretty small. Behind the counter there is a bald, red-faced guy wearing all black, and he’s got a goatee. “Hi. What can I help you with?”

LAURA: “Yes. I have some things I would like to trade in for Credits. Here we go…” She just starts reaching into her pockets and piling stuff onto the counter.

NICK: He pulls out the jeweler’s lens and starts looking at the various things. “Hey, you got some nice stuff here. I think I could offer you 30 Credits,” and he crosses his arms and smiles at you very smugly.

LAURA: “No… No. This is worth much more than 30 Credits. Yes. I was thinking more along the lines of 1,000 Credits.”

NICK: “Whoa, whoa, now it may be worth 1,000 Credits, but that’s assuming someone comes in and buys it, and any time it’s here it’s costing me money. You know, I gotta protect my bottom line. Tell you what, I got a buddy who specializes in nondescript loot from dungeon crawls. If you wait a few hours he could come back here and we could get a solid estimate for it.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Or you could just pay me more now.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: No Laura, that’s not how these type of TV shows work. You have to bring in the expert. (laughs)

LAURA: The buddy has to come in, because of course he knows a guy who specializes in Civil War rifles, because that’s just a thing people do, that’s a friend everyone has.

CAMERON: ‘I know a guy.’ Yeah.

NICK: You see another large man with long black hair and a goatee walking around behind the thing and he trips and falls and breaks a bunch of stuff, and they start yelling at each other. “Tell you what, I’ll give you 500 Credits for everything.”

LAURA: “Eight hundred.”

NICK: At this point an old man comes out and he starts saying something about how it’s not worth anything and this guy’s gonna get their shop closed. “Uh, I’ll give you 750 if you just go away. I’ve got some things to deal with.”

LAURA: “Okie! 750 is good. Thank you~”

NICK: He just throws a bunch of credits at you, and that’s it. He takes your stuff.

LAURA: Then I’m gonna go back out, I’m gonna go back to the underground bar, because Xianna would not go to the weapon shop on time. She’s gonna go have a drink.

NICK: You turn to leave and the owner of the pawn shop turns to the camera and says, ‘Now, I think I can probably get about 15,000 Credits for these, but you know, we gotta protect our business, and the guy with the longer hair and the beard falls down and breaks some more things and goes (yells angrily), and we cut away. Xianna is heading towards the underground bar. Karma and Tink are headed towards the weapon shop. Laura, are you picturing that she’s just gonna show up later after they’ve already collected everything?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. Everybody’s still heading out. We get one of those cool heist movie split screen things down the center with Karma and Tink heading one direction and Xianna heading the other. They both turn onto the road heading to the weapon shop, and then Karma and Tink look into a window where there’s nerf calves that are for sale.

CAMERON: (long gasp)

NICK: They’re really small. They’re like 40 pounds maybe. That’s approximately less than 20 kilos. I wasn’t gonna be able to do that in my head. Sorry metric people. Something like that.

LAURA: A little less than 20…?

NICK: It’s probably like 15, 17 kilos.

LAURA: I’m much better at the Fahrenheit to Celsius approximations.

NICK: Oh, I’m terrible at that one. It’s like 2.12 pounds per kilo, but anyway.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: It’s 18.14 kilograms.

NICK: I was close! I want credit for that. I was an English major.

LAURA: No, yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah. Good job.

NICK: Okay. So they’re 18.-whatever kilos, but they’re very cute and they’re mooing and they’re tackling over each other trying to get to the window to look at Karma and Tink.

CAMERON: Karma’s tracing her finger around on the glass and they’re all following it.

NICK: They have these really big heads, and one of them has this big, thick tongue and it’s just licking the glass kind of like Stitch does in Lilo & Stitch, just leaving this gross mucus trail behind your finger.

CAMERON: Yesss.

NICK: All that to say, Xianna then turns and heads down a different way. The camera cuts away, as everyone’s heading that direction, and we see the two men from before leaning against a railing on that same street. They’re squinting into the sun. The older man turns to his companion. “You think you can take her, Jake?”

“I have to. It’ll prove I’m ready. You know, it’s hard to be a bounty hunter without a reputation, and let’s be honest, she’s a little bit notorious.” The older man shrugs, and we cut back. Do we want to do the bar scene first or the weapons collection?

HUDSON: Weapons.

NICK: Alright! You walk into the weapons shop. If you remember there was a work table where he’s working and stuff up against the walls. There’s a rack that’s like three meters in the air that’s for display, and you can see your weapons all lined up. They look shiny and clean and dangerous and upgraded. “Well, hello there.” It’s a Devaronian guy.

CAMERON: “hey, Krylon!”

NICK: Yeah. Krylon is working on some sort of missile launcher still. It’s a different one, but this one branches into two barrels at the end. You can’t tell if one is for some sort of tracking and one is for missiles or if they’re both for missiles for some reason. It’s kind of weird. “Oh yeah, your weapons are ready.”

CAMERON: “Awesome.” Karma walks up to the counter and lifts up a duffle bag and sets it carefully as to not disturb the missile launcher. “I got your guns for you, too.” Then we have a quick flashback to when Karma and Tink were talking about which guns they were gonna sell earlier.

NICK: (laughs) Uh-huh?

CAMERON: Because we have another carbine that we got from the Gands that Tink now has, and then we also ended up with four Gigoran battle axes extra.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: So we jump back to the center of the ship and Karma just has all the guns and the axes laid out on top of the closed hot tub. “Okay Tink, how many axes do you wanna keep?”

HUDSON: “Question.”

CAMERON: “Yes, we can hang them up in cool places around the ship and just have it look like an old medieval castle.”

HUDSON: “Ooh.”

NICK: Sounds dangerous,” says Krylon, the weapons dealer.

CAMERON: (laughs) No, this is a flashback.

HUDSON: This is a flashback. Yeah.

NICK: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: We had to jump back, because I realized that there are a lot more guns that we can sell.

HUDSON: “Is there such a thing as a super vibro-axe if you like tape them together?”

CAMERON: (laughing) “A double-handed vibro-axe?” We look to the GM, who looks like he’s never had this thought before.

NICK: I’m blue-screening. Give me a second.

LAURA: I mean, it’s gotta be possible.

NICK: So, that’s a thing.

CAMERON: We just duct tape them together. (laughs)

NICK: The thing is, if you duct tape them together you’re gonna be more likely to cut yourself in half. If you had given him two to begin with or asked for a double headed one we could have come up with some homebrew bullshit for it, but y’all are leaving very soon.

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m abandoning that plan.

NICK: But if you wanna keep a couple for the next time you’re somewhere where someone can put one together…

HUDSON: I’d rather sell them at this point. Let’s go ahead and…

CAMERON: “Okay. Do you want to keep one in reserve for the next time, if you get your nice one upgraded you don’t end up with just a vibro-knife?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. Yes, that’s a good idea.”

CAMERON: “Okay. We’ll sell three of the vibro-axes then.”

HUDSON: “yes, three of the vibro-axes. Let’s be honest, I can’t shoot…”

CAMERON: “See, I feel like keeping the light blaster though is beneficial, because you can learn to shoot that. You don’t need to carry around a carbine with your axe, you’re gonna do more damage with your axe, but if you get in a situation where melee is not possible even if you’re not a great shot with the light blaster that’s still better than not being able to shoot at all.”

HUDSON: I looked down at my sheet to see what I have in Ranged: Light… Nothing. I can’t cock it.

CAMERON: How agile are you, though?

LAURA: Say on a number scale.

HUDSON: Two.

CAMERON: Yeah. Okay. You could still… You’d roll two greens. There’s still a possibility of success.

HUDSON: Okay, back in character. “I guess I’ll keep one. There’s, uh… I could use it.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Let’s switch out your Imperial light blaster with one of these nondescript light blasters.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. That’s a good idea.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. We can sell that one. Cool.” We’ll sell the carbine as well. And now we flash back, and karma unzips the duffle bag, and inside are (laughing) three vibro-axes, with I guess tape or something on their edges so they didn’t cut through the duffle bag, one carbine, four light blasters, and then she takes the carbine off her back and sets it on top of the pile.

NICK: “You got quite an armory there.”

HUDSON: “No, you do sir, after you buy them from us.”

NICK: “Wow! What salesmanship!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: He looks super excited for a second and then looks around at all his walls of weird, piecemeal, strange weapons that he’s created. “Well, I mean, I guess I already did, but… Okay!” We get a brief montage of him ringing up the prices for everything. His initial offer is 80% of the going rate for everything.

CAMERON: We had agreed for at least the carbines and the light blasters that it was full price when we talked to him the first time.

NICK: Hmm. Man, I sure am a nice shop keeper, aren’t I?

CAMERON: Yeah, because you’re gonna do upgrades on them and sell them for much more.

NICK: Well, but I could also just go over to my brother’s shop—Actually, I don’t want to do that. Okay. Full price.

CAMERON: I know! Remember, you hate your brother.

NICK: Right, I remember this now. Full price. Yeah, so he’ll give you the going rate.

CAMERON: Cool. I’ll math it.

NICK: I’ll just skip all these Negotiation rolls, because it’s not important.

HUDSON: And Karma’s gonna keep the money as kind of a group money, is the plan, I think.

NICK: Space mom is the treasurer now?

HUDSON: Yes. I’ll just ask you if I need monies.

CAMERON: How much money do you have right now? How much money does Tink have?

HUDSON: 1,694.

CAMERON: So you’re doing fine right now.

HUDSON: I’m good. Yeah.

NICK: You have enough to buy space Dippin’ Dots.

HUDSON: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: So, they finish, after we pick up our guns and we get paid for everything, after we leave the shop Karma hands Tink the money for the vibro-axes. “I’m real sorry I got you kidnapped.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “No. It’s- You know… Water under the bridge. You can… Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, but this 2,250 will help.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Yeah… It doesn’t hurt.”

NICK: Cool. You all trade in your weapons. Xianna, did you get anything customized? I don’t remember.

LAURA: Nope.

NICK: Nope, so you don’t give a shit. Cool. You pick up your stuff and you head outside, and you realize Xianna still isn’t there.

CAMERON: “Do you want a popsicle?”

HUDSON: “Oh, always.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “Okay.”

NICK: (laughing) So you go to the popsicle stand that’s very near to the questionable hospital.

CAMERON: We’re not concerned. It’s fine.

NICK: We cut over to Xianna. Xianna, you do run into an obstacle heading to that underground bar which is that there is a large Gamorrean standing in front of the small doorway for that shack-like house that leads into the hill. “Password.”

LAURA: “Um… I have lots of money and drugs? Is that the password? Heh.”

NICK: You can see him squinting at you. Roll me a Streetwise check. It’s average.

LAURA: Streetwise, got it. That is a triumph with a success, four additional successes, and two threats.

NICK: Wow. You say ‘I have money and lots of drugs,’ and he says, “You… That’s the password. You got it.” Anything else you want to come out of this with the triumph or anything like that?

LAURA: Ooh. He tells me a good spot in this underground area on where to buy more drugs.

NICK: On where to buy more drugs… He’s basically just wearing jorts and a raggedy vest. He pulls open the vest exposing Gamorrean nipple, which you never want to see.

LAURA: Xianna’s fine with that. (laughs)

NICK: He’s got lots of baggies and things. You know the strong man build where they have a tummy, but the tummy is clearly just because their abs are huge? He’s got one of those, kind of like the globular shape, but inside his raggedy vest he’s got lots of different drugs. “Well, if you’re looking for drugs I’ll give you a deal. You seem to really know what’s going on. I got some prime…” Wait.

HUDSON: Rib.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: No. No. I got this.

LAURA: Some priiime dick.

NICK: I was gonna say—Well that too, wink. “I’ve got some Dagobah Kush here that’ll knock your socks off. It’s got that swamp stank.”

LAURA: “Um… I’m in the market for more powdery drugs… but thank you!”

NICK: He opens up his other vest, and it looks like one of the bulk things at the grocery store with the pull chute and he’s got lots of baggies. “Oh, if you were looking for impact or glitterstim…”

LAURA: “Oh, yes please.”

NICK: “…we’ve got some fine synthetics.”

LAURA: “I would like to buy…” and let me do a calculator. “Okie. Let me have five baggies of impact and two glitterstim, please.” Impact is usually about 125 a dose, glitterstim is 100, but if they’re discounted…

NICK: Yeah. “Well, we’re running a special right now, five will get you seven and two will get you four.” So, pay the going rate and he’ll give you extra.

LAURA: Okay, then I have to actually get my calculator back out. I thought you would maybe do it for me then.

(laughter)

NICK: Nope. I ain’t doing math.

LAURA: (in a sing-song voice)…125 times 5…

NICK: I do all the math before the session, and I didn’t do it this time. (laughs)

LAURA: Okay, that would be 825.

NICK: Yup. You’ll get seven things of impact and four things of glitterstim. We get this weird thing where for one, the dispensers shouldn’t fit in his vest but they do somehow and he puts the baggie under and pulls the chute, and shakes it next to his ear and balances it on his palm for the weight. “Yup, there you go.”

LAURA: How much glitterstim did I get?

NICK: Four!

LAURA: Four, okay.

CAMERON: Four stims of glitter.

LAURA: Four stims of glitter.

HUDSON: Is it like rock candy?

CAMERON: (giggles) That you snort.

LAURA: I don’t know.

NICK: I think glitterstim is also a powder, isn’t it?

LAURA: I think it’s a glittery powder in a tube and that’s why it’s called glitterstim.

HUDSON: Ah.

NICK: Although, I’m gonna be honest, I also have been picturing rock candy, but then picturing trying to snort a stick of rock candy makes my sinuses hurt. So, yeah, I don’t know.

LAURA: yeah, I think it’s a tube of glitter.

NICK: Great. You got some drugs. You’re inside the black market. His reassuming his guard posture is exactly like that part in Return of the Jedi where they hustle up to the wall and it turns out Luke is Force choking them but I always thought they were just awkwardly getting back in position. You’re in the underground place. What are you looking for?

LAURA: I head to the closest bar.

NICK: Great. You go to a bar. There’s a couple of waiters and waitresses wandering around. There is a six-armed bartender droid with a flying saucer looking head that’s mixing drinks with all its arms and passing them out in rapid succession, and you pull up a chair.

LAURA: I pull up a chair at the bar, and I look around the room while smiling, because Xianna’s not gonna pay for a drink. She’s gonna wait. Heh.

NICK: Alright. This sounds like some sort of check.

LAURA: Streetwise…

HUDSON: Cool.

LAURA: …Skulduggery, Charm…

NICK: (laughs) Cool would be if you then want to stab the person who bought you a drink.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: Streetwise, Charm…

CAMERON: I feel like if you’re looking to get some action it’s Charm.

NICK: It’s probably Charm. I would say Charm.

LAURA: Charm? Cool. What would the difficulty be?

NICK: In this kind of place we’re gonna say hard, not hard to get a drink, hard to get a drink without bad things happening.

LAURA: I’m gonna flip a light side point because this is important to my character.

NICK: Okay.

(laughter)

LAURA: That would be four successes and two threats.

NICK: Hmm. With four successes, describe to me Xianna’s ideal person to buy her a drink.

LAURA: Okay. How much time do we have? (laughs)

NICK: We have two and a half minutes.

LAURA: Okay! Let’s see… Most species, most heights, most body types, basically any gender, probably less than six arms but willing to accept that depending on personality, probably charming but again willing to sacrifice on charming if their credit stick is very full. Any way you want to interpret that statement, you can.

(laughter)

NICK: Good.

LAURA: Ideally someone who will be okay with flirting for the next hour, and then if she leaves, the sad, sad statement of not getting violent.

NICK: Yeah. That’s gross, and sad, and also true. So, you are very quickly approached by a middle aged looking guy, looks mostly Human but part of his face is a little melty. He has kind of a pig nose and kind of like fangs. “Hey, can I buy you a drink?!”

LAURA: “Well, okay!”

NICK: “What are you drinking… hot stuff?”

LAURA: She smiles, and then turns to the bartender droid because she’d be at the bar, and she’s gonna order a Super Nova.

NICK: Ooh, a Super Nova.

LAURA: It’s a dark orange color and it comes in a little martini glass, and it makes her feel fancy.

NICK: Yeah. He orders two and he has a big hand with pointed fingernails. “Well, that’s a pretty fancy drink choice for a place like this. We’re lucky that they have the newest firmware on these droids, huh?”

LAURA: “Oh yes, very lucky. Heheh.” She does always make sure that she gets it from the bartender, so when it comes out you always get your drink straight from the bartender.

NICK: Gosh, this scene is making me really sad.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Do you not know these rules, Nick? There are rules as a woman, for getting drinks.

NICK: No, like, I get it, it just… I don’t think about it because privilege and it makes me sad which is not great, so…

HUDSON: Yeah. Men can leave our drink for 15 minutes while we go to the bathroom at a random club.

NICK: Yeah… That’s only gone poorly—No, it hasn’t. Yeah. That’s gross. Anyway. Yeah, you take them straight from the bartender droid. I think in Star Wars if you get drinks directly from a bartending droid the drinks have a seal on them so you know they’re fresh and untampered.

LAURA: Oh! Like a boba tea place, and you have to poke the straw!

NICK: Yeah. The palms on the droid’s pincer hands just go (swish, click) and seal them so that you can pop the seal and you know it’s good and untampered. Let’s just start inventing technology that makes life less depressing. Let’s do that. So, you’re sipping your drinks and you’re flirting and talking, and you can see that this guy actually looks pretty bummed out. “Well, at least I have some company today,” and he’s drinking away.

LAURA: “Uh-huh. Yes.” She’s just doing the smile and nod while drinking, and surreptitiously looking around the room to see her other options as well.

NICK: There’s this shot of Xianna clearly just keeping him moving while she’s surveying the bar. “See, I found out recently that I have the death penalty in 12 systems, and—“

LAURA: “Oh yes, uh, uh-huh.”

NICK: “I wasn’t expecting that, and—“

LAURA: ‘Technically I am dead. Uh-huh. Yes.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: He starts spilling his guts and his volume cuts down as you look around. You see some different people around the room. You see a big group of Chadra-Fan and one of them has a tiara and a sash on that says Bachelorette and they’re just screeching in this high-pitch noise. From your distance you can hear it and it’s not bad, but you can see as wait staff goes near and stuff they’re flinching and covering their ears, but they look like they’re having a blast. Most of them are on the table. You see an older gentleman with a big, white beard and kind of a scarred up face who is just drinking beer out of a pint glass and staring into space. He looks pretty tired. You notice the wait staff, and one of them is a green Twi’lek with tattooed lekku that looks like Sabacc suits.

LAURA: Xianna immediately puts a finger up to this guy’s mouth and just goes, “Shh, shh-shh. Okie. Thank you for the drink, but I have to go now. It has been lovely. Bye.” And she is just holding her finger on his mouth this whole time, and takes her drink and runs off after the green Twi’lek. (laughs)

NICK: As she heads away the man with the pig snout kind of turns back to his drink and downs it. “My friend doesn’t like you either…” and just sits at the bar and looks bummed out.

LAURA: Xianna takes her drink and wants to do the coolest slide in thing she possibly can, and just do like a, “Oh, hello~ Heh.”

NICK: You slide in behind the green Twi’lek who is talking to a customer, and you see the customer slides a bunch of credit chips, like a decent handful of credit chips. He’s saying, “So, whatever you were saying, I just really appreciate the service, you know.”

Then you say hi, and she looks over her shoulder and sees you, and looks back and says, “Hey, uh, sorry about this, but I’m on break,” and just grabs the money and turns around and leans into the bar very close to you. “Well hi there.”

LAURA: “Ello. I seem to keep running into you.”

NICK: “Yeah. I think I ran into one of your friends earlier. I was wondering if you were here.”

LAURA: “You’re not a bounty hunter here to get me, are you?”

NICK: “I don’t normally bounty hunt.”

LAURA: “Okay, but for this instance you are not trying to bounty hunt me? Because if you are, I mean, we could work something out.”

NICK: She smiles and tosses a lekku a little bit. “Oh, I understand the need for clarity of language in this situation. No, I’m not currently hunting you… for a bounty.” And she winks.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna smiles. “Oh… So, uh, what is your name~?”

NICK: “I’m Nolaa.”

LAURA: “Oh. I am Xianna. yes.”

NICK: “Nice to meet you formally.”

LAURA: “So you say you don’t usually bounty hunt. What do you usually do?”

NICK: “You know, this and that. I spend a lot of time being a waitress. It’s amazing how many people will talk to you…” The guy that she was talking to before taps her on the shoulder, and she turns around and says, ‘Strike two, buddy. Time to leave me alone.” He looks intimidated and scoots down the bar a little bit. “People get pushy, but you know, it’s pretty easy to fix.”

LAURA: “Okay. Information broker, yes?”

NICK: “Yeah. That’s the most profitable version of what I do. Why, do you need something?”

LAURA: “I mean, I will need a fence at some point, if you do know one.”

NICK: “I haven’t been here that long. I know a couple, but none of them are—“

LAURA: “Oh. We don’t plan on staying here.”

NICK: “Oh. You mean like a ‘fence’ fence, like a galactic level super fence.”

LAURA: “No. I mean, I have some things to sell and I need someone to sell them for me. A fence. I don’t know if you thought I meant like a fence in the ground to keep the nerfs in. Again, a lot of these words seem to have multiple meanings.”

NICK: She laughs, and it’s definitely the laugh of someone who is acknowledging a joke was made, but politely.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: She’s laughing because she’s enjoying the conversation, not because she… Anyway. “Yeah, I know a few people, this planet is a little sparse on that kind of thing, but if you’re trying to offload something big I could probably help personally, honestly, or at least get you in touch with somebody who can.”

LAURA: “Okay. I have a kyber crystal. I have this other crystal thing. It only mildly looks like a dildo.”

NICK: “Wait. Wait.”

LAURA: “I do not think it is actually a dildo, so…”

NICK: “Wait, wait, wait. Wait! Wait!”

LAURA: “And then I have this weird mask in a box.”

NICK: “Rewind, rewind.”

LAURA: “yes?”

NICK: “How does something only kind of look like a dildo? Is it a dick or not?”

LAURA: (laughing) She reaches into her pocket, because of course she has it, and she pulls it out. “See? I mean, it kind of looks like a dildo because the rounded end, but I don’t think so based on the siding of it and the runes carved into it. There are no balls either, but I mean not every dildo has balls, so you know.” Then she puts it back in her pocket. “Then this weird mask in a box, and I have three Twi’lek totems that do need to probably get back to their proper families.”

NICK: She’s thoughtfully scratching at her temple. “Oh yeah, it is kind of a dildo. I see what you mean now. Yeah, I could probably help you sell those on commission, or do you just want to get in touch with somebody and I’ll just take a flat fee? You know, when you came up to the bar I didn’t think we’d start talking business to be honest, but…”

LAURA: “I mean, either one. Which one do you prefer? Which one is best for you for return business?”

NICK: “If it means that we get to see each other again, why don’t you just give those to me, I’ll give you a security deposit, and we’ll trade funds again once I’ve got a buyer lined up. How does that sound?”

LAURA: Xianna thinks for a second. “You are quite lovely, but uh…”

NICK: “Yep.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I usually do not do security deposits or things like that. Full amounts, you know, just too many jobs where somebody in the party took everything before paying the other people and only some of those times was it me.”

NICK: “Hmm… So, you want me to just buy them from you.”

LAURA: “We can do that, or you can hand me a buyer.”

NICK: “Okay. Well, I can pay you now. It’ll be faster. I won’t be able to put as much together as that stuff is probably worth, but I’ll get you a majority of it. Probably for the weird dildo thing, I think it’s hilarious, I don’t know what it is, but I could give you probably 2,500 Credits for it. The other stuff, the totems I honestly don’t think we should be selling, that’s kind of bad.”

LAURA: “No, no, those aren’t for selling. Those are for getting back to Ryloth, to their clans, you know.”

NICK: “Yeah. I’m not gonna be going back to Ryloth, so you should hold onto those.”

LAURA: “I mean, I don’t really plan on… I mean maybe. I don’t know. I’ll hold onto them.”

NICK: “The kyber crystal, I don’t know what it’s worth, you didn’t show it to me, but—“

LAURA: She’s like “Oh I have it right here!” She pulls it out. “It is a yellow one. I don’t really know how much these are worth. I will be honest. Heh.”

NICK: She notices that your hand kind of goes to the same part of your coat every time and pulls out different sized stuff and all these things.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: ‘Man, you can sure fit a lot of stuff in your pockets, huh?”

LAURA: “I can fit a lot of things a lot of places.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: I was waiting for a comment like that.

NICK: She laughs. “I could give you 600 for the kyber crystal. It’s a decent shape, but I don’t think it would be able to weaponize. You can see because…” She leans in and puts her hand on your wrist so she can point at it, and you can feel her body heat as she leans in and points to it. “See there’s this major flaw right here in the middle? It would probably get ripped open if it had too much force on it, so you can’t use it for a weapon.”

LAURA: “Uh-huh, but you know, someone has a use for it somewhere.”

NICK: “Oh absolutely, so I could give you 600 Credits for that.”

LAURA: “I don’t have the weird mask in the box thing with me. It is back on my ship if you want to go see it.”

NICK: “Oh. Um…”

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: She looks up for a second, and then she looks at the droid, and she pulls out a data pad and keys a code. You can see the back of the droid’s head has six lights lit up on it in blue, and one of the lights flickers once and goes out. “Alright. I’m off the clock. Let’s go see.” And we’re gonna cut away!

LAURA: Cut away. I don’t know if we’ve set up any system of like… a sock. (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughing) We definitely have not. It has not come up yet.

LAURA: Ooh. Xianna probably puts a sock just on a wheel of the ship somewhere as she’s going in. “Eh… There. They will know what that means.”

NICK: You had a sock in your coat for this purpose.

LAURA: yeah. (laughs) Why not?

CAMERON: It was just leftover from when she was stuffing her boot.

NICK: Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.

CAMERON: There’s a story reason why she has a sock.

NICK: Okay. We get a quick cut of Xianna having a sock, and there’s no doorknob on the ship, and then looking around and there’s a bolt sticking out of the wheel and just, ‘huh…’ and it’s near where you would get on the ship, I guess.

LAURA: (smiling) yeah.

NICK: It’s a gray sock. It’s about the same color as the tarmac, but you know, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

LAURA: yeah. It’ll be fine. Yeah.

NICK: Then we get a shot of Nolaa talking excitedly and shaking around and you both lean in close and go up into the ship.

LAURA: Well, you hear the door close and then you hear, (clap, clap), and then disco music, (laughter) or whatever we decided disco music was called.

CAMERON: Jizco music.

LAURA: Jizco.

NICK: Nooo…

HUDSON: No.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I’m putting it in there. It’s called jizco.

NICK: Great. Building Star Wars canon one elicit meeting at a time. Okay. That’s going on. Let’s cut back to Karma and Tink. You have collected the bounty. You have collected your weapons. What else did you want to do in town?

CAMERON: We’re eating popsicles.

HUDSON: We’re eating popsicles. What has that done to my weapon? Do I need to increase damage or things like that?

NICK: You got a monofilament edge, I believe.

CAMERON: A monomolecular edge which…

NICK: That reduces your crit rating by one.

CAMERON: Yeah.

HUDSON: That’s what it is. Okay.

NICK: Cool. We get a shot of Tink and Karma. Are you sitting next to the road eating popsicles? Are you standing by the stand eating popsicles?

CAMERON: We found a nice bench. We have our feet up on our cart. (laughing) We’re just gonna keep rolling our hover cart around.

NICK: yeah, your errands cart that you use.

CAMERON: Yeah! This is our second errands cart, because the first errand cart got left with the hospital. (laughs)

NICK: That’s true.

CAMERON: This is our replacement cart.

NICK: You have new toys, your newly upgraded weapons, so I think Tink and Karma are probably inspecting them while they eat the popsicles. As a reminder, what were your upgrades and then what does that do to the appearance of the weapon? Did you get it fancy-looking? Krylon usually adds a little flair when he makes weapon upgrades. Tell me about your weapons.

CAMERON: Alright. On my vibro-sword I got monomolecular edge and balanced hilt. The monomolecular edge decreases my crit rating by one, so my vibro-sword now crits if I have one advantage, and then the balanced hilt adds the Accurate 1 weapon quality, so I get a blue die for all sword slashes. On my carbine I got the night vision scope. It removes two black dice for darkness and it tracks heat signatures in all sorts of things, and through walls!

NICK & HUDSON: Ooh!

CAMERON: It doesn’t differentiate between like a fridge giving off heat and a Human giving off heat.

HUDSON: How many walls?

CAMERON: I don’t know. It just says through walls~

NICK: It’s probably the range of the weapon. What does your carbine look like now? Does it have a blocky scope on top, or is it a new color?

CAMERON: It now has a scope on top. It starts small and gets bigger, and it has the lens on, it’s kind of a green night vision color. Since Krylon wanted the scope paintjob to match the carbine paintjob, and even though Karma kept her carbine really nice it’s still an older blaster, so he redid the paintjob in that, kind of like the Ravens black that’s kind of black and green sheen to it. Then my vibro-sword just has a much nicer hilt now, memory foam hilt and is comfortable and isn’t just the black duct tape that the Empire had on it.

NICK: Cool. Cool. Tink, does your vibro-axe—It’s sharper now.

HUDSON: It’s sharper now. It is very shiny. I can see my reflection in the blade, and the hilt has been polished.

NICK: Okay. Was there a cool pattern etched into it now or anything, or is it still just shiny and chrome?

HUDSON: It’s still just shiny and chrome, but they did attach a bandana to it like when you’re leaving Pet Smart (laughter) and it has the name and logo of the shop.

LAURA & CAMERON: Aww.

NICK: It’s Krylon’s Weapon Hotel, is what it says on the…

HUDSON: Yeah, Krylon’s Weapon Hotel.

NICK: Oh man…

HUDSON: So that happens.

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

CAMERON: Goodness.

NICK: Cool. What do you do now? Do you head back to the ship? Have you finished your chores?

CAMERON: As we’re eating popsicles I’ll text Xianna. “Hey, where you at?” I’m guessing she doesn’t respond though, because she’s busy.

LAURA: No, yeah. There would either be no response or just a set of emojis that Karma and Tink probably don’t understand. We’re gonna say after a few minutes you get two or three emojis sent and you don’t know what they mean.

NICK: It’s a peach, the smiley face, and then a sock.

CAMERON: “Is she grocery shopping?”

LAURA: (laughs)

HUDSON: “I mean, socks aren’t groceries.”

CAMERON: “No, but… I don’t know. Does she need new socks now that she has less toes?”

HUDSON: “Maybe she hopped in a puddle and they’re wet?”

CAMERON: “I don’t know… She’s happy about it.”

HUDSON: “Yeah…” Then I kind of start to get a frown and I start to get this stare, like a thousand mile or thousand yard stare? How do you say it?

CAMERON: Either way! How far are you staring?

HUDSON: A thousand mile stare. “Karma…”

CAMERON: “yes?”

HUDSON: “Do you believe in an afterlife?”

CAMERON: (coughs)

LAURA: Whoa.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughing) karma like chokes on her popsicle a little bit. “Uh… Yes? I think I do, Tink.”

HUDSON: “Okay. I was just thinking about Sabos, where he is, if he’s anywhere.”

CAMERON: “Well,” insert fact about Togrutan lore here for what Sabos probably believed. (laughs. I don’t know.

HUDSON: You could make it up at that point.

NICK: They don’t have a lot.

LAURA: I mean, there are a lot of Force users, so it’s probably just like you become one with the Force.

CAMERON: “Yeah. I think we’re all part of the Force and the Force is part of us. You may say that I am one with the Force and the Force is with me… and the Force is with Sabos.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Alright.”

CAMERON: “So, I don’t think any of us are ever really gone, we just can’t see them anymore, but the Force is all around us.”

HUDSON: “I could get behind that. Alright.”

CAMERON: Karma knew Jedi. She’s spouting Force shit.

HUDSON: Yep. “Thanks karma.”

CAMERON: “You’re welcome.”

HUDSON: I just eat my popsicle more.

CAMERON: “Good talk!” (laughter) How long has it been? It’s been a week since Sabos died?

NICK: Yeah, something like that. I think it’s less than a week. It’s been like five days.

HUDSON: So I should be sad still, this isn’t like a…

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: It’s only been a few days.

CAMERON: This is still fresh. (laughs) We’ve gotten shot several times since then, though.

NICK: yeah, that’s true. I think we have the shot of Tink being like ‘well thanks, karma. I feel better,’ and then it swipes to a disco ball and pounding disco music and you just see like a purple hand–

CAMERON: (giggles) Pounding.

NICK: Ugh. God damn it. I’m trying to do this tastefully.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: You see a purple hand and a green hand holding each other and then it cuts back to whatever the next scene is.

CAMERON: “Alright. You ready to head back to the ship”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

CAMERON: We push our cart back to the ship.

NICK: Do you think either of you would notice a gray sock on the wheel of the ship?

CAMERON: Karma 100% notices the sock, grabs it and goes, “ugh, kids,” and then just goes and tosses it in the laundry chute.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) We have a laundry chute. Okay.

CAMERON: yes, and then parks the cart in its section with our speeder bikes.

NICK: Can I get a Perception check from you, Xianna?

LAURA: Yes. What would the difficulty be?

NICK: How distracted do you think you are?

LAURA: Extremely distracted!

NICK: So probably hard, and I’m gonna flip a dark side point.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Let’s see!

CAMERON: Please say you fall prone.

LAURA: No. Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Two threats… Ugh. None of my threat ideas are things I want to put on the internet.

(laughter)

HUDSON: ‘This is a Snickers wrapper.’

NICK: You hear people coming onto the ship. The threats are that Nolaa totally doesn’t. She’s doing her own thing. Do you care?

LAURA: “Oh! Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Okie.”

NICK: “What? What is it?”

LAURA: “I think my crew members are back. I do not know how they feel about bringing other people onto the ship. Hold on a second.” There almost certainly has to be a closet full of silk robes at this point in Xianna’s room. She’s probably taken them all from the costume closet that we have.

NICK: No, no, no. We get a flashback to the fancy ball that you all went to, and somehow during the procession up Xianna must have raided some of the other ships, so they’re like Imperial marked silk robes, or the party had gift baggies that came with stuff and she took like six of them.

CAMERON: The party 100% had gift baggies.

LAURA: Oh! Because the party was being thrown by Falx, and Falx would absolutely put in Imperial silk robes that are too short.

CAMERON: They have matching slippers too, though.

LAURA: There are matching slippers. She doesn’t put the slippers on. She just throws the robe on and pops her head out. They would probably have to walk into the ship a little bit to see her based on how the layout is.

NICK: Probably. We definitely get the shot of Xianna in the robe looking through the door and you can see Nolaa on the bed with the sheet up to the collarbone shot.

LAURA: The tasteful collarbone sheet.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: She’s just chilling out. She doesn’t seem that worried.

LAURA: “Ello~ Karma? Tink? I hope it is you two and not like, um, anyone else.”

NICK: ‘It’s me, Zubo!’

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘It’sa me, Mario!’

NICK: (smiling) I’m just kidding. Zubo’s not there.

HUDSON: “Hey Xianna. It’s intruders. Ha-ha.”

LAURA: “Okay Tink, it is you. Did you two not see the sock that I left?”

CAMERON: “yeah, we really need to talk about the cleanliness level on this ship. Okay guys?”

LAURA: “Oh. Do you not know what a sock means?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. Someone forgot to put it in the hamper.”

LAURA: “No, no, no…”

NICK: You all hear laughter from the room.

LAURA: “Maybe this is just a Rylothian thing to put a sock… I feel like I’ve seen it on other planets too, so um… I have a friend over.”

CAMERON: “Oh. My boys had a different system. Should not use… Okay. Yeah. Sock equals that. Okay, got it.”

HUDSON: “Ohh…”

LAURA: “Oh! Oh. You’re a cool mom! Cool.” Xianna does a little thumbs up.

CAMERON: (laughs) They’re adults.

LAURA: “Cool mom! Okay. I’m going to close this door now, and you are going to hear jizco music and noises. Do not be weird about this.” She pops her head in and pushes the door and just stares at them as the door closes.

CAMERON: Karma waves creepily. (laughs)

LAURA: And then you hear the two claps again, and you hear the music happen again, and lots of giggling and noises.

NICK: Yeah… and we’re gonna stop that scene.

(laughter)

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: That’s a good place to stop.

HUDSON: I turn to Karma and I go, “(mouth click) Nice~”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: The ship gives a proximity claxon. It’s not the ‘you’re about to blow up’ alarm, but it’s one step below that. It’s a long, low pitch, and everyone knows that means something’s bad. Over the intercom you hear someone say, “Hey, come on out of there.”

LAURA: (shouting) “We are not ready yet~!”

HUDSON: “Uh, so they can’t. I wonder who that is.”

CAMERON: Can we hear them from inside the ship?

NICK: They’ve gotten into your intercom.

CAMERON: Oh. “Tiiink! How did they hack our ship?”

HUDSON: “What are y’all doing in there?! I don’t… know. How’d y’all hack our ship?”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Karma Nailo, I’m callin’ you out!”

CAMERON: Karma looks surprised. “Sorry, do I know you?”

NICK: (smiling) He can’t hear you. It’s just like a broadcast situation.

CAMERON: “Hmm. Do we go out there?”

HUDSON: “Sounds like you’re being called out, not me.”

LAURA: At this point Xianna and Nolaa are in the Imperial silk robes and the slippers now and are out standing in the doorway. “Oh. It is not for me or Tink. Uh… I guess if you want to go out.”

NICK: So, what do you do?

CAMERON: Alright. We get the cool anime shots of Karma sliding her new sword and do the hilt on the back and attaching the carbine and flipping it around. I guess Karma’s gonna go outside.

HUDSON: “I got your back!” I follow.

LAURA: “We are going to get caf, so uh, see you later. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Y’all have fun. Be safe.” (giggles)

LAURA: “We’re just getting caf… It’s—“

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma’s gone already.

LAURA: “I only touched the pot one time and it was too hot. I know to use the handle now. I know!” (laughs)

CAMERON: It cuts to our caf maker and there’s now a sticker on it that says Caution: Caf is Hot.

NICK: (chuckles) Great.

LAURA: There’s a big handle but only one section has the insulated silicone around it, so if you accidentally grab the handle too high or too low you’ll burn yourself.

NICK: Xianna has this posture of embarrassed defeat and Nolaa just kind of looks confused and pats her on the shoulder, and then they disappear into the ship. Karma and Tink head down the gangplank and there is a man standing there, he’s got a black, flat brimmed hat on and he’s wearing a vest, and he has a heavy blaster pistol on his waist in a holster that is unbuckled so he could draw. “You Karma Nailo?”

CAMERON: “To whom am I speaking, please?”

NICK: “My name is Jake. I’m the premier bounty hunter on this planet, and you’re on my territory.”

CAMERON: Karma holds up a finger and tries to look him up.

NICK: He crosses his arms. ‘hey- Don’t- Come on. Don’t do that. Ugh.” You can see behind him probably 15 yards back, standing about mirror to where Tink would be, there’s an older, shorter bald guy who’s pretty wrinkled and trying to look serious but thinks it’s funny. In about 20 seconds you’re able to pull up Jake from Engebo 5. He is not wearing khakis, but he is–

CAMERON: (giggles) He is wearing a red polo, though.

NICK: No, he’s wearing a vest and a white shirt. He is a very new bounty hunter. He’s been bounty hunting for maybe three months. He has one confirmed capture and it was for parking tickets. He’s like real life bounty hunters where you use mostly mace and the job isn’t nearly as cool. Apologies to any actual bounty hunters listening. I know your job is dangerous. Anyway.

CAMERON: Karma accepts your apology.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: karma looks at it. “Aww…” (laughs)

NICK: He looks visibly annoyed. “Here’s how this is gonna go. My friend here is gonna throw a credit chip in the air. When it hits the ground we’re gonna shoot—“

CAMERON: “At the credit chip?”

NICK: “At each other. We’re gonna prove who’s the fastest hand on Engebo 5, or you could leave and be branded a coward.”

CAMERON: “Hmm… I mean, If it’s you doing the branding I’m not really concerned about it.”

NICK: “Everyone will know. I’m an influencer.”

CAMERON: “heh.” Karma sets her data pad down. You can see it defaulted back to her page and it’s just continuously getting requests and shit, and she’s not concerned about it.

NICK: (laughs) It just says 99+.

CAMERON: Yeah, but she keeps getting the notifications that someone else tried. “I really don’t wanna shoot you. … That was the end of my statement. You can respond now.”

NICK: “(stammers) I… But… I called you out. We have to fight now. That’s how this works.”

CAMERON: “You know, the bounty hunters tend to be more of a brotherhood, and the shooting of other bounty hunters is kind of frowned upon, and by kind of I mean very.”

NICK: “Look. He’s about to throw this credit chip and then I’m gonna draw. You do what you want. Hit it, man.” The guy takes a credit chip and he tosses it into the air.

CAMERON: I wanna shoot the credit chip.

NICK: (smiling) Oh shoot. Okay.

CAMERON: So it never hits the ground. (giggles)

LAURA: At this point Xianna and Nolaa have walked out onto the plank up next to Tink holding their caf in the mugs. “Okay. Okay. Oh, shoot off, okay. I hope Karma shoots him first.”

HUDSON: Somehow I have a bucket of popcorn now.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Roll me a… shooooting check, I guess?

HUDSON: Ranged?

NICK: Ranged: Heavy. Well, I know what it’s called!

CAMERON: (laughing) A shooooting check.

NICK: Well, so, I was going to make you roll initiative, but you’re drawing so much earlier than he is expecting I don’t think you have to beat him with initiative. He wouldn’t be ready for you to ignore the credit chip, because that would be murder.

CAMERON: And I have Quickdraw, so…

NICK: Oh, you do. That’s really cool. You quickdraw your rifle off your back and it’s gonna be a hard shooting check.

CAMERON: Okay. Let’s see. There are no walls nearby, so that doesn’t help me…

NICK: To see through the walls? (laughs)

CAMERON: To see through. Yup.

NICK: Very important.

CAMERON: Um…

NICK: Are you still checking your talents?

CAMERON: Well, I was just gonna ask, has the credit chip acted this encounter yet? (laughing) Can I have a blue die for Quick Strike?

NICK: No. You can have the—Yeah. I would say this is sort of quick striking against him, and he hasn’t acted yet.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool. Two of my yellows came up blank, but I have three successes, three threats, and a triumph.

NICK: Okay… So you shoot the credit chip. Do you have an idea for the triumph? I kind of do. I was thinking that the credit chip is completely obliterated, vaporized, so nothing ever hits the ground, and he’s just waiting for too long and then he realizes what you did. He flinched when you shot, and then the credit chip never hits the ground, and he realizes what happened and he’s just stunned. He keeps his hands up and you’re able to just turn and go back on the ship. You completely defused the situation. Does that work for you?

HUDSON: I clap.

CAMERON: And I would like to not fall down, as part of my triumph.

NICK: (smiling) No! That’s gonna be so funny!

CAMERON: (smiling) Nope! I would like to not fall down as part of my triumph.

NICK: … Fine.

CAMERON: (laughing) I don’t want to do this super badass thing and then fall.

NICK: (laughing) I wanted it to be, and then you trip walking back up the ramp, but you’re just like ‘fuck yeah, holster, turn, everyone applauds, guy looks like an idiot… trip-fall!’

LAURA: Xianna’s shaking her head because she was really happy for a second because she thought Karma was just gonna shoot the guy before the coin hit, and was like “yes, that is how you do it,” and then was like “ugh… you should have just shot him. He would be dead. You could have just shot him first.”

CAMERON: “See, here’s my reasoning though. You noticed that blaster bolt was red?”

LAURA: “Mm-hmm?”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I didn’t want to shoot him, because I wasn’t quite sure if Krylon had set it back to stun.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I mean, then he would be stunned, I guess. Oh well.”

NICK: We get a flashback to Krylon as he’s attaching all the parts and cleaning all the parts. He looks at the stun/kill switch and it’s on stun. “Huh, that’s weird,” and flips it to kill where it should be in his mind.

We see everybody go back onto the ship. I think at this point Nolaa probably runs into the ship and grabs her bag of stuff. “Hey, this has been fun, but I’ve got some stuff…”

LAURA: “Um, so I was going to sell you some things. Do we want to just do that later?”

NICK: “Yeah. I think this is a good start. I used up most of my funds. I don’t want to be awkward about that. I gotta go.” And she takes off very suavely. She’s still wearing the robe. She just grabbed her stuff in a bag and is…

LAURA: Yeah. (laughs)

CAMERON: “Bye Nolaa! Come again soon!”

NICK: “Oh, it was good to see you, karma.”

HUDSON: Ha!

CAMERON: Heheheh.

LAURA: Xianna’s just waving, “Yes please~!”

(giggling)

NICK: “Ohh…”

LAURA: “It was a dirty joke~! Ha.”

NICK: The ship gangplank closes up and the camera zooms out and we see the ship lift off and head towards space. The camera comes right in on Jake and his older friend who walks up and grabs him on the shoulder. Jake’s reaching towards the ship. “Agh! But I was gonna prove I was good…”

“Hey, forget it, Jake. It’s Nerftown.”

CAMERON: (laughs) Oh no~

NICK: (smiling) And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode. Ba-naaa~!

OTHERS: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: Yay.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 26:
Set Sail Into Battle

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This week it was pointed out to us that we have been using slurs for sex workers on the show. We are sorry. These terms were not appropriate to use and we apologize for any hurt we have caused. We will be having an internal talk about being more mindful of the words we choose and how they impact people. We will also be rewriting some of the crits on the Edge of the Empire critical hits chart. A few of them use ableist language that is hurtful. We believe we have read one or two of these crits out loud on the show and we apologize for that. These things are on us, but we will try to do better in the future.

We have some announcements this week. We’ve been extremely busy lately and the newest results of that work are a Discord channel. We started a channel for everyone to come and say hello. For anyone who doesn’t know, Discord is like Skype or Slack and is a chatroom where you can talk to people about specific subjects. This one is about Tabletop Squadron. Come talk to other people who like the show and the cast about the Afternoon Delight’s shenanigans. If you’re interested in joining the group, the link is on our Twitter page, the website, and our Facebook. Stop on by. The Discord has already decided that at 420 Twitter followers Thrawn will appear in the show, so now I have that to deal with. If you have written fan fiction or drawn fan art, the Discord is a great place to show it off!

Music this week is Tanzen (K ID 22) vy KieLoBot and Seaquest by Black Bones.

Let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 26 of Tabletop Squadron! We have now gone as long as animes go. … For this episode we’ll do the intro in Japanese!

CAMERON: (laughing) What?!

NICK: No…

LAURA: We’re at a weird time where we’ve obviously passed ones that only do one season, so like 13 episodes, but we’re not at the One Piece level where we have 400 episodes.

NICK: Yeah, but unlike most of the ones that only go two seasons, both seasons have been great! So, we’ll go around the table, introduce yourselves, and say who you’re playing today. We’re gonna go the other way, so let’s start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron. I’m playing Karma Nailo the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Next up we have Laura.

LAURA: Yes, I am Laura, and I am playing Xianna’fan the Twi’lek smuggler, thief. Yes.

NICK: Yes.

LAURA: I have pockets.

NICK: Woo. Last up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and today I’ll be performing as Tink the Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Performing well, I hope.

HUDSON: yes, yes, quite right.

NICK: Yes, indubitably. Before we get started, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Fuck. (laughs)

NICK: yesss.

LAURA: [laughing] It’s exactly the same as last time. Oh no—

CAMERON: Nope. I’m two dark side this time.

LAURA: We each only have one, so it’s now four.

CAMERON: It was SO close to being two light side and then it hit the edge of my dice tray and flipped.

NICK: Yeah. Well, I didn’t have to use them last episode because you all just were really kind to walk into all the bad things I wanted to happen, so that was good.

CAMERON: (pouting) Welp, I’m grumpy now.

LAURA: I know my character!

NICK: (laughs) You are consistent!

LAURA: I am consistent.

NICK: Alright. When we last left off, Karma, Xianna and Tink had all boarded the Mon Cal cruiser and worked your way towards the bridge. The bridge currently has Ziller, the GGG quartermaster, a couple other people in it that we’ll describe in better detail, and everybody’s met there and the last thing that you heard was Ziller saying, “Oh good, I thought that these were going to be stormtroopers, and they’re not.” Then you immediately started hearing the tromping of booted feet, and that’s where we will pick up.

So, we’ve got karma kind of in cover in a doorway aiming right at Ziller, we have Xianna on the opposite end of the doorway hidden where no one can find her, Tink and Web-Web just came running into the bridge asking Ziller what’s going on, we’ve got booted tromping feet behind you all… What do you do?

CAMERON: I shoot Ziller.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna would have already been shooting and not have waited, because Karma said to shoot.

CAMERON: Yep. Our hallway went pew-pew!

NICK: Okay. What we’ll do is we’ll go ahead and roll Vigilance for everybody and then we’ll let you have two PC slots right at the start. I think it’s three, but Tink used his running into the place in the first place, so he doesn’t need one.

HUDSON: If I have 2 in Vigilance and 1 in Willpower, then I roll a yellow and a green?

NICK: Two yellow, one green.

CAMERON: What? No.

NICK: A yellow and a green.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: You were exactly right. I am wrong.

CAMERON: Karma has two successes, one advantage.

HUDSON: I have two successes.

LAURA: I have one success, one advantage.

CAMERON: What other dice would you like rolled?

NICK: I need two yellows and a green.

CAMERON: Three successes, a triumph, and two advantages.

NICK: I need two green dice.

CAMERON: Two advantages.

NICK: I need a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Four advantages.

NICK: (snickers, smiling) Okay… I need three yellows and a green.

CAMERON: Two successes, two advantages.

NICK: One more time.

CAMERON: That is four successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay, and we’ll just do that in the wind… Great. That’s enough initiative. Starting off, karma and Xianna both get a shot at Ziller because they were armed up and ready to go.

LAURA: Xianna was shooting at the panel.

NICK: Okay. Xianna is shooting at the panel.

CAMERON: We just get shots onto the bridge.

NICK: Sure. Don’t let me explain your tactics. You go right ahead.

CAMERON: Haha!

NICK: Average.

LAURA: We are at what range?

NICK: You are at medium  range from the panel, short range from Ziller.

LAURA: Four successes and a threat.

NICK: Oh geez. Okay.

CAMERON: Three advantages, so I’d like to trigger my crit. (laughs) No, I don’t hit.

NICK: I wish you could.

LAURA: Can you trigger someone else’s crit?

(laughter)

NICK: I don’t think so.

CAMERON: Can I trigger Xianna’s crit?

NICK: I’m not saying that will never happen, I’m just saying it’s gonna have to be a very specific situation where you can do that.

CAMERON: Yeah. … Pew!

NICK: So, Xianna shoots the control panel right in the sparky bits. It immediately explodes filling the room with white smoke and knocking those two pirates to the ground. One of them hits his head and is unconscious immediately. It does that really gross movie theater splunky broken bone noise. He’s out. He will not be coming back. Then, karma shoots at Ziller. He dives behind the captain’s chair and the Mon Cal captain. You shoot and the last shot hits the Mon Cal captain as he ducks behind it and he is not hit. He takes cover behind the captain’s chair, that’s what he does, and now we’re gonna get into initiative order. So, the first thing that happens is you hear the sounds of booted feet getting faster and somebody is close to coming around the corner on the hallway, the right angle hallway that Xianna and Karma originally came down. There is the rattle of armor, and you figure oh gosh, maybe these are those stormtroopers that Ziller mentioned a second ago. They are not quite in line of sight but they are very close. That is them, next up is Ziller. He pulls a heavy blaster out of his conveyor belt…

CAMERON: … Conveyor belt? (laughs)

NICK: Don’t know why I said that…

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: He pulls a heavy blaster pistol out of his utility belt. He puts the pistol on the shoulder of the captain and he goes to shoot Karma, because Karma was trying to shoot him. That’s gonna be two yellows and a green. I think his motion put him at medium range actually, because he’s across the room now.

CAMERON: He gets a black die because I’m in cover?

NICK: Two black dice, one for cover and one for all the smoke that’s in the room.

CAMERON: Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Okay. I forgot what a heavy blaster pistol does.

CAMERON: Well, actually, you know, I’d love to help you but unfortunately that’s the one I lost when we were escaping the herdship, so I no longer have that written on my sheet.

LAURA: Heavy blaster pistol is 7 damage.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: Three crit, medium range, encumbrance 2. It has a stun setting~

NICK: He’s not using it, though. You said 7, +3 so that’s 10 damage coming at you. It hits you in the shoulder of your armor. I think it hits hard enough to bruise but doesn’t pierce it… and hurts. That was Ziller. He is still behind that captain’s chair and probably will remain there for a while. We’re up to our first character slot! We’ve got Karma in the doorway, Xianna still in the doorway, Tink you are—

HUDSON: I thought I was behind everybody.

NICK: Blaster fire is kind of pinging in front of you. You are by the doorway, but you are in the room.

HUDSON: Correct.

NICK: yes. What does anybody wanna do? Character slot.

LAURA: Xianna will shoot again. She has her scanner goggles on, so the fact that it’s smoking isn’t a big deal.

NICK: Yeah. That shouldn’t affect anything.

CAMERON: Can she have another blue die from the two threats that Ziller had?

NICK: Absolutely. He’s so busy taking a bead on Karma that he’s leaning out and exposing himself, tactically.

LAURA: yeah. I’m gonna shoot him. I’m gonna aim since I’m just standing in the doorway. He’s still medium, right?

NICK: To you, yes.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: There is a black die because he’s in cover, though. … Well, that helped a lot. (laughs) It’s blank~

LAURA: Four successes and one advantage!

NICK: Sheesh. How much damage is that?

LAURA: That will be 10 damage.

NICK: Okay. That hurt him a whole bunch. How many advantages did you have?

LAURA: One. I just want to put that towards… Can I make it so I hit him in his shoulder and he kind of spins and he’s no longer completely in cover?

NICK: Yeah. You can have knocked him out of cover. You can do that.

LAURA: Yeah. I would like to have knocked him out of cover so it makes it easier for whoever shoots him next.

NICK: I think what it is, you hit him real well, right in the chest, and it went pretty deep, and he’s not wearing armor, so he drops the blaster pistol and draws his vibro-axe and just steps out of cover.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: He’s raging right now. Up next, we hear some more stomping of booted feet. Tink, you look behind you to see a group of five stormtroopers coming around the corner. They are going to shoot at Web-Web because Web-Web’s right near you. That’s gonna be two yellows and two greens, average difficulty. They’re not gonna aim or anything.

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: Ow… Poor Web-Web. They all shoot. The guy in the front says, “Shoot the blue one!” It’s five, so the three in the front kneel and the two behind them stay standing, and they just shoot one shot all in unison because these stormtroopers are competent. This usually doesn’t get to happen for me.

They hit Web-Web, and Web-Web says “Kriff!” and runs and dives behind a bank of stuff to get out of the way. They got hit pretty good. They’re not very happy. You can hear a stream of curses in Gungan. None of you speak Gungan, but you can clearly tell the tone of the statements. That is them. Up to another character slot.

CAMERON: I will take this one since I’m armed. I’m going to shoot at Ziller again.

NICK: Okay. He’s no longer in cover. He’s got his big old vibro-axe out.

CAMERON: And he stepped back to medium range?

NICK: yes, from where you are.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

NICK: (quietly) Do you want to aim?

CAMERON: Yeah. Well, no actually, I want to use my maneuver for something else. I’m just going to shoot him. One success, two advantages.

NICK: How much damage is that total?

CAMERON: Ten.

NICK: Oof. Okay. You hit Ziller in the chest basically in the exact same spot that Xianna did. He is not dead, but he–

CAMERON: We’re stunning him. Both of our guns are set to stun.

NICK: Oh! Oh, then he’s super unconscious.

LAURA: Oh, no.

NICK: Did you switch yours back to murder?

LAURA: I think Xianna switched hers back to murder. I honestly don’t remember.

CAMERON: We never said that we did.

LAURA: I don’t know if I ever said I did, but I feel like Xianna would have…

CAMERON: Karma’s is still on stun, so that was 10 stun damage.

NICK: Okay. If you kept it on stun he’s unconscious. If you didn’t, then he’s just bleeding and also dizzy.

CAMERON: The thing is whether or not you remembered that your gun was on stun.

LAURA: She probably didn’t.

NICK: I actually really like the idea of Xianna shooting him and being like ‘yes! … Aw, what the heck?’

CAMERON: ‘Why was it blue?’

LAURA: ‘No, it was on stun!’

NICK: (laughs) Doesn’t recognize stun damage because never uses it.

CAMERON: How come it’s blue? What is wrong with this gun? (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: The blue does more damage. Yeah, so, with the second stun wave he basically just drops. He slumps. Little Zzz status icons come up from his head. He is unconscious. Great job. You wanted to use your maneuver?

CAMERON: Yes. I am taking off my bounty hunter badge and holding it facing behind me. I just saw stormtroopers come from the other side and there’s boots behind me. There’s going to be stormtroopers coming. I’m trying to identify myself, and I’m gonna use my advantages that the smoke is cleared from behind me and they can see it when they come around the corner.

NICK: Oh dang. I keep forgetting that you’re technically not wanted. (laughs)

CAMERON: yes.

LAURA: Neither is Xianna.

CAMERON: And Xianna is technically dead.

LAURA: Technically.

NICK: Technically.

LAURA: Technically dead. (laughs)

NICK: Oh man. So it occurs to me that the only person on the crew that is actively being pursued is Tink, which just seems kind of unfair to me.

(laughter)

HUDSON: It really is.

LAURA: Xianna has that split second where she doesn’t remember this. “Oh shit! The fuzz!”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: And then she’s like, “Oh wait… I am dead! Haha!”

CAMERON: Jorus is technically after Xianna right now.

NICK: Yeah, that’s true.

CAMERON: But he doesn’t know her name. Tink is like 100% Sila’s got him down.

NICK: He’s six inches from convicted at this point since Sila has his notebook of many tricks.

CAMERON: Yeah. So, my maneuver and my advantage to take my badge out and show it so that they see it, so that they know I’m not on the bad side. I don’t want to be one of the baddies.

NICK: Okay. Goodness. Alright, next up is a character slot. I think that would be Tink.

HUDSON: Yes. Dumb question of the evening: Is this bridge actually a bridge?

NICK: (chuckles) No.

HUDSON: It could be, but it’s not?

NICK: I think it just became one if you want it to be. We just didn’t mention that this room is above a chasm above the reactor.

LAURA: They’re never above a chasm.

NICK: No. The bridge is the driving place for the boat. It’s where the captain hangs out.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

NICK: You know in Star Trek how there’s more people on the ship but it always shows those same eight people and it shakes around and they fall over and stuff? Picture that. That’s basically what this is.

LAURA: Ooh! What you could have… I don’t think the Mon Calamari ships ever show it this way, it’s usually the galactic ones, where this is a raised section so a lot of the people on computers and stuff are lowered…

NICK: Oh, the Imperial ships have that.

LAURA: …so there is kind of a bridge, but the Mon Calamari ones always seem to be flat.

NICK: Well no, because they’re on that floaty chair on the arm.

LAURA: Oh, there is a little bit.

CAMERON: First of all, I like the fact that you used Star Trek to explain what a bridge is as opposed to Star Wars, the game we’re playing.

(laughter)

LAURA: To be fair, no, I was going to tell Hudson… ‘Have you ever seen an episode of Star Trek?’ That’s what I thought of too! I think they call it the bridge in Star Trek and use that way more often than they do in Star Wars.

CAMERON: Oh yeah, because they’re constantly telling people to report to the bridge. They don’t do that in Star Wars as much.

LAURA: And they’re constantly on the bridge and mentioning it in Star Trek whereas in Star Wars they don’t use that as often.

CAMERON: But in the Mon Cal cruisers there is the floaty bit in the bubble that the admiral sits in, so there’s part of a bridge thing.

NICK: yeah. It’s like a chair on an arm.

LAURA: His bubble chair.

NICK: So, depending on what you want to do, kind of.

HUDSON: I was curious. I don’t have to do it. I had an idea, but…

CAMERON: I had advantages in my initiative roll. I’d like to donate those to Hudson to help with bridge creation if required. (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Fine. Tell me what you’re aiming for. Let’s make this happen.

HUDSON: I’m gonna push someone off.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Web-Web is nearby taking cover behind a panel. So, the way it is… However everybody was picturing it, that’s what it looks like, but around the edge there is a sharp 15 foot drop, 5 meter drop, I know that’s not exactly right but close, and then there’s more panels and stuff down there. It’s a drop enough that could mess with people. Your options, you can get to everybody. There is one of the lackeys who was trying to hack the computers on the ground near there but still functioning. One of them is unconscious. The Zabrak man in the ship uniform is standing off to the side also near the edge. Ziller is out. There are stormtroopers behind you. I think that’s it right now. Who do you want to push?

HUDSON: Where was the one who tried to hack stuff?

NICK: He’s in front of you. He’s lying on the ground near the edge between two sets of computer panels, one of which is exploded.

HUDSON: I’ll kick that guy off.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. You use your maneuver to run over to him. Make me a Brawl check.

HUDSON: Oh no…

CAMERON: Hey, you’re pretty strong.

HUDSON: Yeah. I don’t have anything in Brawl, though.

CAMERON: Yeah, but he’s also on the ground and just got blown up a little bit.

NICK: It is going to be average difficulty, two purple, but you will get a blue die because he’s prone.

HUDSON: Do I get another one because she gave me advantage?

NICK: She did that so that there was a ledge to shove off of.

CAMERON: I did that so that there was a bridge.

HUDSON: Oh, so there was a bridge! Okay! Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Okay. Everyone is looking at you. I think what happens is you parkour over a computer panel. All these computers by the way I’m picturing like Mission Control from the 70s, those big, white, blocky things. You parkour over those, the one where you plant one hand and swing your legs over. You run over to that guy who’s on the ground. He’s reaching for his pistol, because he was going to go next, and you just soccer kick him in the stomach. You know in the movies when someone gets hit hard and it’s very obvious that they had a rope tied to him and pulled it real fast to make him slide? He does that, and he goes sliding. The back of his head hits the corner of a panel with a smack and then he spins off and falls, and there’s a comically long delay, and then you hear (“boom”), and that guy is definitely out.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Your threats are everybody saw you run onto the bridge, and they’re all looking at you, and you just ran up and clearly declared your side by punting this guy. You hear Web-Web say, “Oh… Yeah. That makes a lot more sense. Come on, you could have told me.”

CAMERON: And then we get the camera shot of Tink looking over the ledge so that we can see that it’s only 15 feet and that the pause when he was falling was way too long.

NICK: But the guy is sprawled out really dramatically, like the end of Die Hard. (laughs)

LAURA: There would also be a Xianna wave, of “’ello Tink!” Heh.

HUDSON: Yeah, Web-Web says you could have told me and I say, “I dropped very strong hints!”

(laughter)

NICK: “Fair enough.” So that was that. Lackeys are very dead. Tink’s in the middle of the room. Karma is still in the hallway. Xianna is still in the hallway. The Zabrak in the Mon Cal navy uniform pulls their blaster pistol, looks around, you can see a decision come to their face, and shoots at Tink. That’s going to be three greens. They are competent. Flip me a dark side point to upgrade one of those to a yellow, and they are at medium range. They’re on the far side from him. Hmm, I want him to aim, too.

CAMERON: Two successes, two threats.

NICK: Huh. The same thing happens with this person. They have now loudly declared sides with their gun, but they do… What’s a light blaster, 5?

CAMERON: A light blaster is 5.

NICK: Okay. You’ve got 7 damage coming at you, Tink, minus your soak.

HUDSON: Four?

NICK: Yeah. Your soak is 3?

HUDSON: Yup.

NICK: Four damage, and they already aimed so they’re basically just gonna crouch down in place, but just for flavor because they can’t take cover, because that’s what they’re doing. Up next we have the stormtroopers. They come around the corner and they immediately see Karma holding the bounty hunter badge and the four of them take very obvious military positions against the walls and start covering each other as they work their way forward. The one with the orange pauldron, because there’s always one of those if you need one of them to talk, comes up behind Karma and says, “Bounty hunter, report. What’s going on?”

CAMERON: “A group of green Gigorans have taken over the Mon Cal ship. We hailed the captain, spoke to him, he was shot down, he’s over there by the chair. Their leader seemed to have been the green fellow there who’s taken out. The white Gigoran is on our side. The purple Twi’lek is on our side. I think everyone else in the bridge is not on our side, our side being the non-pirate side, sir.”

NICK: We get a shot of the stormtrooper captain looking at Xianna who’s still against the wall and nods at her.

LAURA: She waves.

CAMERON: “Obviously the other stormtroopers are also okay, I assume.”

NICK: You can’t see his face, but he’s rolling his eyes a little bit inside his helmet.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Just wanted to be clear. (laughs)

NICK: “Yeah… Copy that.” He makes a hand motion. “Clear the room.” The four of them start charging in and they just start laying down fire like crazy. Two of them are gonna shoot at Web-Web, two of them are gonna shoot at Tink, so that’s a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: (laughing) Sorry buddy, I tried.

NICK: You’re a Gigoran!

CAMERON: I said the white one was on our side!

NICK: Yeah, but he doesn’t really listen to you.

LAURA: Yeah, but they’re stormtroopers.

NICK: They’re Nazis.

LAURA: (laughs) They’re space racists.

NICK: They’re still assholes. Yeah, a green and a yellow versus two against Web-Web.

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: Great. They shoot Web-Web. Web-Web’s in bad fucking shape.

CAMERON: Sorry Twitter family.

NICK: Oh no, Web-Web’s gonna fucking make it, Web-Web’s just not doing well. Web-Web may come back with a robot face or something, I don’t know.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Ah…

NICK: And then a green and a yellow at Tink.

CAMERON: One success, one threat.

NICK: Okay. That’s 6 damage going at you Tink as they basically just shoot you in the chest, because you’re still standing in the middle looking triumphant. “We got the Gigoran, sir!” That is their turn. The captain is just like a proud papa right now. He’s not engaging. Ziller’s unconscious, and… character slot.

CAMERON: I guess I’ll shoot the Zabrak, since I’m on stun and he’s still standing.

NICK: Sure. Black die for the smoke that I’ve been forgetting to include.

CAMERON: Blue die for the aiming. So far I think it’s anybody who’s been wearing a helmet hasn’t had to deal with the smoke, because magic helmet viewy things.

NICK: That does make sense. Oh no, those helmets filter smoke, they don’t filter poison.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Sorry, that’s just… Star Wars… Anyway.

CAMERON: Anyway. Is he at medium range from me?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okie-doke.

NICK: That’s a lot of threats.

CAMERON: Two successes, two threats, so that is 11 stun damage.

NICK: Yeah. You shoot him, he flies backwards, and there’s a long pause… and then you hear (WHOMP). You blasted him off of the bridge, but remember this is the Gonzo director we hired for just this arc, so this guy flies backwards.

CAMERON: Oh, that’s true. Yes. He goes flying!

LAURA: This one has had multiple reshoots, has changed directors three times, one of them was a kung fu director.

NICK: (laughs) We are way over budget.

CAMERON: The first time we shot this it was a very different fight scene.

NICK: It was all gritty hand-to-hand.

LAURA: That’s why some of them fly way back, because they hired a kung fu movie director for half of it. They do that full pull line fly.

CAMERON: Well, they didn’t want to pay the stunt men to do it again less intensely, so like, it works.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Mm-hmm. That was you. Zabrak is out you assume since he fell off and there was a flump and then you didn’t hear anything. Now the stormtroopers are coming from the other side. They clear the room. They actually chuck a stun grenade in there, so roll me two greens and a yellow versus hard, because they threw it from far away, and a black die because they’re not really looking at what they’re throwing at. They’re doing the breech and clear thing.

CAMERON: Stormtroopers are good at their job. Three successes, a triumph, and two threats.

NICK: Holy cow. I’m gonna go ahead and activate the blast on that stun grenade.

LAURA: Blast is, for two advantages, each character engaged with target suffers damage equal to blast rating and successive.

NICK: They threw it at Tink. Web-Web is far enough away that they’re not gonna get hit with it. Engaged is really close. Man, the blast radius on those kind of stinks.

LAURA: I mean, engaged is kind of what you make it. All the range bands are kind of what you make it.

NICK: I agree. I think it hits everybody in the room.

CAMERON: I think everybody else is unconscious or dead besides Tink.

NICK: So, Tink will take the full stun damage, Web-Web will take the blast. I’m not trying to take Tink out with one stun grenade.

HUDSON: It wouldn’t take me out. It would hurt real bad, though. That’s 8 damage I put down.

CAMERON: It would go against your strain, though, if it’s a stun grenade.

HUDSON: Yeah, that’s why I’m saying it would still be 5 damage.

NICK: It still reduces by your soak, too. Tink takes 8 stun damage. You hear Web-Web’s cursing get really weak from behind the panel that they’re hiding behind. The stormtroopers start to file into the room and clear things. I am actually going to put my last little trump card in here. There’s some blaster fire from behind the stormtroopers and two of them drop with just smoking holes in the back of their helmets, so they are down. You can hear a mechanical voice indistinctly coming from there. Someone else is shooting at the stormtroopers. Up next is a character slot.

LAURA: I think Karma already shot. Who’s left?

NICK: Web-Web maybe, you can’t see them, and Tink, and then a bunch of stormtroopers shooting at everybody that’s moving.

LAURA: Huh…

HUDSON: I could go with and run out of there.

CAMERON: They’re just gonna shoot you if you run. (laughs)

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: True.

NICK: There are ways to make them stop shooting you.

HUDSON: Yeah, dying.

(laughter)

NICK: Search your feelings.

LAURA: Can Xianna move to the next door on the other side of the bridge? How far is that?

NICK: You could do it in two movements.

LAURA: Okay. Xianna will use her maneuver and then her action to move that distance and be against the wall on the other side of the door so she has some cover from that section, and while she’s running through there she wants to point at Tink and go “He is with us! Please do not shoot him!”

NICK: Hmm. I feel like… Okay. You can hear indistinct com chatter through the helmets, and that combined with the fact that two of them just got murdered, they turn around and the other two throw their backs against the opposite side of the door from you and they’re looking around the corner. The other stormtrooper captain has two blaster pistols drawn and is just cowboy dual wield shooting down the hallway. You actually can see with your scanner goggles on, there’s a Gand bounty hunter splattered, half covered in green blood, that doesn’t look like it’s theirs.

LAURA: Ew.

NICK: It’s just basically… You know Bullet Tooth Tony from Snatch, just doing that indistinct grumbling while trying to kill people thing from the hallway? It is very unhappy right now. That was you. Another character slot.

HUDSON: Ugh… I don’t feel great. I don’t have any weapons and there’s no one else to hurt.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: You have a knife.

HUDSON: I have a knife?

NICK: Yeah. Didn’t you give—Oh no. They never gave you your weapons. (laughs)

HUDSON: They never gave me my weapons.

LAURA: So, just put your hands up. (laughs)

CAMERON: When he was kidnapped he had a knife. They did not give him his knife back when they sent him onto the ship.

HUDSON: Nope. I get on my knees and put my hands up.

NICK: Okay. (laughs) They all stop shooting you. You can hear the stormtrooper captain that’s near Karma go “Oh. Whoops.” Heh. We move on to the next slot. Some things happen… and those people are all dead. I think what happens is the stormtroopers from the far side of the room move in a scary wave to the same door Xianna is. One of them tries to plant their elbow on your shoulder to do the squad covering tactics thing, so we get this cool shot of into the doorway and it’s just surrounded with stormtroopers and also Xianna looking mildly confused.

LAURA: Xianna would definitely turn around and just be like, “Oh~? How are you~? Heh.”

NICK: “Doing fine. Let me shoot this Gand real quick.”

LAURA: “Okie!”

NICK: And they all (blast noises), and they just riddle him with blaster fire. The Gand slumps back against the wall and leaves a gross, green streak down the wall, but it’s not down. We get the shot of that Gonzo stormtrooper captain with the two pistols walking up to the Gand, and the stormtrooper captain says, “bounty hunters,” and fires. The Gand flips the stormtrooper the middle finger. “Stay down!” He fires, and the Gand starts cursing in Gand, and (repeated blast noises).

LAURA: “Oh wow. He will just not die.”

(laughter)

NICK: And then the Gand finally slumps to the ground, there’s a clatter of guns, and that will end combat. Everything’s mostly down at this point. Karma… You haven’t seen the Gand yet. You’re still in the room. Never mind there. So, the room is cleared, you got a bunch of stormtroopers, Gand is down. You have eight stormtroopers, two of which are captains.

CAMERON: Karma’s going to put her badge away and stand up from where she’s been crouching next to the door and saunter onto the bridge.

NICK: Okay. You can see Tink still kneeling there with his hands in the air saying ‘they didn’t give me a weapon! I don’t know what’s going on!’ Then you see a puddle of blood and then an open hatch in the base of a computer panel with a narrow crawlspace, like very narrow, and a streak of blood going into that so someone must have climbed through there, then a bunch of bodies including two dead stormtroopers. The rest of the stormtroopers are a combination of covering the doors and each other and a couple of them milling around, and the two captains are talking but you can’t hear them because they’re doing it through radio, so you just get this pantomime of two stormtrooper officers gesturing at each other waving their arms around kind of robotically, but you don’t know what they’re saying.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna approach the two mime stormtroopers who are having the conversation.

NICK: The two captains? As you get close you can very indistinctly hear their voices, but it’s very muffled through the laminate of the helmets.

CAMERON: “Pardon me, sirs.”

NICK: The Gonzo stormtrooper captain who is now very clearly discernable because there’s splatters of green blood on the front of his otherwise white armor. He goes to reach for one of his blaster pistols that are on holsters and the other stormtrooper captain says, “No, she’s good. She helped. We’re fine. Don’t shoot her.”

The other one says, “Agh, bounty hunters.” They acknowledge you.

CAMERON: I start talking primarily to the one who was on my side who just told the scary one not to shoot me. “The reason that I am here is I am after the bounty on the Green Gigorans. They had kidnapped my friend, the white Gigoran,” pointing at Tink who is still on his knees with his hands up, “so we were also retrieving him, but I have a bounty on Engebo 5 for bringing the Gigorans back. Is it alright with you gentlemen if I take just the Gigorans with me?”

NICK: There’s a long pause, and then the blood splattered one says, “We’ll let you collect the bounty if you make it worth our while.”

The other one clonk slaps him in the back of the head and they look mad at each other. “You can claim the bodies when you decide to leave.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Thank you.”

LAURA: I would like to add that the shot’s kind of panned out so that you see all of this but in the background you see Xianna flirting with the one stormtrooper that had used her as a balance, so you definitely see her putting her hand on the shoulder armor and like tracing things and being like… “So, uh, when do you get off? Heh.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Well…

LAURA: “So, you seem pretty tall for a stormtrooper. Heh.”

NICK: “Well, you know what they say about tall stormtroopers.”

LAURA: “Uh, yes I do.”

NICK: “We get longer grieves on our armor.”

LAURA: “Oh. I was going to say you had very large, uh, penises.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Well that too. You can’t tell because I’m wearing a helmet, but I’m winking.”

CAMERON: I thought it was they hit their heads as they went through doors.

LAURA: Ooh.

NICK: Ooh. That’s very good. At that point the camera is centered on Xianna and this one stormtrooper. The captain—we’ll just call them asshole and not asshole for now.

CAMERON: Capt’in Asshole?

NICK: Capt’in Asshole. Captain Mass’oll

LAURA: So many apostrophes.

CAMERON: Great.

NICK: But not Mass’oll… Massle, M-A-S-S-L-E. Not asshole captain says, “Trooper, we’re gonna secure the bridge. Private Longfellow, go with the bounty hunters. Make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

(laughter)

LAURA: (giggling) I was gonna say, if I had my choice it would have been a designation number of 69.

CAMERON: (giggling) It can be both. It can be both.

NICK: (smiling) Yeah, there’s a little serial number under his helmet that says like DK6969.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh yes.

NICK: The one extra tall stormtrooper salutes over Xianna’s head, because he can just see straight over. “Yes sir!” He basically just attaches himself to you three as a unit and waits to see what you all are going to do.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna walk over to Tink. “Alright buddy, you can stand up.”

HUDSON: “Oh. I think I can…” I struggle a little bit to get up.

CAMERON: I help.

NICK: Yeah, your knee is hurting real bad. The one that was exploded not that long ago.

CAMERON: Like two days ago.

HUDSON: yeah…

NICK: yeah, it’s not in great shape.

LAURA: Do you have wounds or just strain?

HUDSON: Both.

LAURA: Okay. (reluctantly) Xianna would hand you a stim pack.

HUDSON: Yay… So, that heals 5?

LAURA: Five.

NICK: At this point I feel like Tink might need a port for all his stim pack injections.

CAMERON: You just do the dog thing where you pinch his skin, and then you do the shot in it, and then you wiggle it to get it to disperse.

NICK: (laughs) Do you hand it to him? Do you throw it at him?

LAURA: I hand it to him.

NICK: Okay. We get a shot of Tink grabbing that and just like jabbing it into his neck, like ‘ah, that’s the good stuff.’ You’re feeling better. Your ears are ringing a little bit from the stun grenade going off. It’s not a comfortable feeling, but the group is back together, and Ziller is unconscious. You do know that there are three other Gigorans—well, I guess Tink does. You know that there is between three and five total Gigorans.

CAMERON: Yes. It’s around the size of a quartet.

NICK: yeah. They’re still somewhere in the ship.

CAMERON: Okay. I’m gonna go over to Ziller and put a pair of binders on him since he’s still unconscious.

NICK: Good idea. Do you binder him to something?

CAMERON: Yes, to the captain’s chair since he seems so fond of it.

NICK: yeah, that seems capable. He’s twisted around in an uncomfortable position.

CAMERON: Then I pat him down real quick to see if I can find Tink’s knife.

NICK: You don’t find Tink’s knife, but you find a bigger knife.

CAMERON: Oh. He has his battle axe on him, right? Ziller had a battle axe?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okay. I hand you the battle axe, Tink.

HUDSON: Ooh. Thank you.

LAURA: Does he have a com?

NICK: Yes, he does.

LAURA: Xianna takes the com and then goes over to Tink. “Okay, Tink, do you want to pretend to be this Gigoran and you ask the other Gigorans where they are on the ship?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

LAURA: “Okie.” Also, was he wearing a translator?

NICK: Yes, because he was talking.

CAMERON: He had one on his head.

NICK: But when he was shouting to you all he had a translator pulled down, because you don’t speak Gigoran.

HUDSON: Can you do the Ziller voice one more time?

NICK: ‘Yeah brother, this is Ziller.’

HUDSON: “Alright. I’m about to get on the coms here. … Hey uh, this is Ziller. Um, yeah, we just had a great victory over here. Where are y’all at?”

NICK: “Yeah, Ziller, you sound different. What do you mean where are we at? You’re the one that told us where to go.” I’m gonna need a Deception check from you. It’s average, these guys aren’t real smart.

HUDSON: Success and a threat.

NICK: “But I guess since you know where we are that’s no big deal. Is the bridge secured?”

HUDSON: “Bridge is fully secure. I just have a sore throat so that’s why I’m sounding like this.”

NICK: “… makes sense. You know, the humidity from that translator you wear all the time is really bad on the vocal cords. It’s cool that you don’t make us wear one, boss.”

HUDSON: “Oh well, you know how much I like you guys. Uh… Yeah. Keep up the good work, soldiers.”

NICK: “Okay! We’re almost done robbing the forward cargo hold, so if you wanna come help carry stuff you can set that self-destruct. Let’s finish this thing up.”

HUDSON: “Actually, stay where you are. Before you carry any more out I want to inspect what you got.”

NICK: “Seems suspicious, but okay!”

(laughter)

HUDSON: “Uh… Over and outie!”

(laughter)

CAMERON: So he had taken his translator off to say this, so we’re just watching him make noises.

NICK: What did we say Gigoran sounds like? Oh! Bus breaks. You just keep hearing bus breaks happen, but a slightly lower bus breaks.

LAURA: Well, a bus and a Wookiee had sex and produced some sort of… Bussiee. Heh.

CAMERON: No, it sounds like a bus and a Wookiee having sex.

LAURA: Ohh.

NICK: (groans)

HUDSON: Okay! I tell the stormtroopers where the rest of them are.

CAMERON: “Tink, you gotta put your translator back on, buddy. We can’t understand you.”

NICK: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Oh sorry.” I put it back on. I tell them where they went, to the front cargo hold.

NICK: Okay. Asshole captain, Massle, Captain Massle says, “Well, we’re securing the bridge, and if you want to collect that bounty you should actually do some bounty hunting. We’ll come by later if they kill you, but you should do whatever you want now. If we leave here they may send more.”

CAMERON: “Roger that, captain.” I skip off the bridge.

NICK: (laughing) Okay.

CAMERON: Karma’s had it. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna does a little goodbye salute to designation number DK6969.

NICK: Oh, he’s coming with you.

CAMERON: He’s coming with us. He’s our assigned guard.

LAURA: Oh! He’s coming with us! So then never mind. He’s coming with. She’s gonna keep talking to him the whole time.

NICK: So, you are headed out. Which way are you going? Are you going back towards the Afternoon Delight or towards the GGG ship?

CAMERON: Towards the GGGs, so heading out the other door.

NICK: Do you want to make a plan with your cadre of troops here?

CAMERON: “It’s that way, right?”

HUDSON: “Yeah!”

CAMERON: I point down the hallway towards the way that everybody came in from, where the Gand is lying, and I see the Gand.

NICK: Yeah. You know this Gand, actually.

CAMERON: Oh no, Bobby. (laughs)

NICK: His name is…

HUDSON: Gandar.

NICK: Sure. Gandar the Immortal is his thing, and you know that his brother, Sandar—You’ve never seen them separated or heard of them separated. You never worked with them closely, they’re just one of those… The ones that if the Empire calls a bunch of bounty hunters to stand on a star destroyer to receive orders to get somebody, they’re usually there. They’re just thug guys, but yeah, they’re tough, they’re real tough. Or they were.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna lean down and… steal all of his stuff now that he’s dead.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

CAMERON: We’re reincorporating it into the bounty hunter profession. He would want someone to take this.

NICK: Roll me a Skulduggery?

CAMERON: “Hey Xianna, help.”

LAURA: Xianna looks over and she’s like…

CAMERON: “Are you busy?”

LAURA: “I would, um, never do anything illegal.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: “No, I know! I just—“

LAURA: “Is it okay to steal from a dead body? Or to take things from a dead body?”

NICK: “That’s highly dishonorable.”

LAURA: “But is it… Are we allowed to?”

CAMERON: “Yes. The bounty hunter code says that you are allowed to retrieve. I should at least retrieve his personal items to return to his family and drop off at the nearest bounty office.”

LAURA: “Okie.”

NICK: “If you say so.”

CAMERON: “I do, sweetie.”

LAURA: So, she goes over and she helps.

NICK: It’s gonna be hard. You’re going to find stuff, but if you pass the hard check you’re gonna find something cool.

CAMERON: Your Cunning is 4 now, right?

LAURA: Yes. My Cunning was 4. My Agility is now 4.

CAMERON: What is your Skulduggery?

LAURA: It is a 2.

NICK: So is Xianna doing it and you’re just helping?

CAMERON: Yeah. I put the dice pool together so I’m going to roll it, but yeah. Oh no…

NICK: Nuh-uh.

CAMERON: Alright, so it fails with two advantages.

NICK: You’re able to find his blaster rifle which is just next to him.

LAURA: Xianna’s just too busy flirting, and she just…

CAMERON: She doesn’t want to look Good at it, so she’s like ‘oh, I have to be awkward touching the body. It’s dead… I’ve never done this before…’

LAURA: Also, since we’re past the encounter, Xianna’s now coming down off of impact.

NICK: Ooh. That’s gonna be rough.

LAURA: Yes. It’s a black die to Agility, Cunning, and Intellect.

NICK: Oof. You find the blaster carbine. You find 100 Credits. You know that Gands often hide important effects and things inside their natural armor, but this one is mostly soaked in blood at this point and you can’t find it, and you don’t really feel like trying to vivisect him while your bounty is still on the ship, so you kind of just give up on that.

CAMERON: Can I find his badge?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: I’ll just return that to the bounty office so they know he’s out of commission.

NICK: Sure. You do that. You head on down the hallway. This is the same hallway, Tink, that you ran down with Web-Web on your shoulders earlier.

CAMERON: “Was there anything interesting down this hallway, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Not really.”

NICK: He says, ignoring the other Gand that tried to murder him earlier.

HUDSON: “I mean, like, I guess earlier there was this cool… I’ll tell you about it later. There was just acrobatics and we threw them like a football…”

CAMERON: “Did you see another Gand? It’s weird that there’s only one, because his brother should be here too.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I saw a second Gand.”

LAURA: “Okay, but—“

CAMERON: “That wasn’t interesting?!” (laughs)

NICK: As Tink says that, you come to what looks like passenger quarters and there’s a Gand that’s just been completely cut open and splayed out. Somebody took some really intense vibro-knives and went from neck to pelvis and then pulled.

LAURA: “Oh. Ew.”

CAMERON: “Oh my.”

NICK: It also looks like that happened and the Gand kept fighting for a while.

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, they were tough.”

LAURA: “Okie. Let’s move on, then.”

HUDSON: “This is the Gand!”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yes, okay, we are moving on.”

CAMERON: “Thanks Tink.” Karma quickly goes over and checks this one out too.

NICK: You’re able to grab the badge pretty easily from the same place, but there’s not really a lot else on this guy. You continue onward. You come to a four-way intersection. In front of you there is a very large cargo hold. You can actually see some GGGs still in there including one of the Gigorans, and then to the right you can see a sealed passageway that looks like it leads to an airlock but is still sealed. To the left there is a long hallway and you can hear the sounds of people rummaging around in there, but you can’t see it.

LAURA: How many people are in the cargo hold?

NICK: You don’t have a full view. You can see a Gigoran and one other person, but from the noises there’s more people but you don’t know for sure, from where you’re at. You could try and get closer.

LAURA: “Tink, do you have your scanner thing?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I do. Wait… No I don’t. Wait… Let me check.”

LAURA: “Doesn’t it scan for people?”

HUDSON: “Oh. You mean the scanner that scans for people scanners?”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughs) Oh gosh!

LAURA: “Yes… the scanner that scans for people… scanner. I don’t know what it is called.”

CAMERON: “His scanner actually only picks up other scanners. That’s why it picks up motion scanners.”

HUDSON: “It’s the Crad Corp EnhanceScan.”

NICK: Scanner.

(laughter)

LAURA: “So does it scan for people?”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Okay. Do you want to use that and tell us how many people are…?”

HUDSON: “If you’ll shut up, I will.”

LAURA: “Wow…”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. He’s gotten so rebellious in like his few hours away.”

LAURA: “You were gone for like… one day.”

HUDSON: “I’m not feeling good! I probably have a concussion.”

CAMERON: “Did you hit your head?”

HUDSON: ‘I mean, when I fell I think I did.”

LAURA: “Do you want any… uh, uh…” She’s half way through that sentence and goes, “um, a bantha cake? Heh.”

NICK: “Ooh. A bantha cake? I used to love those when I was a kid.”

LAURA: She rummages in her pocket and pulls out two bantha cakes.

HUDSON: “Whoa, 69, that might be a special bantha cake.”

LAURA: “No. it is just a bantha cake.”

NICK: “What do you mean?”

HUDSON: “It might be laced with—“

CAMERON: “No, he just means it’s one of the blue ones. You know how they sometimes have the white or the pink ones?”

LAURA: “Oh! He means it is one of those special edition ones and sometimes they are pink instead of blue.”

(laughter)

NICK: There’s the shot of you three talking, it was zoomed in and you were kind of huddled, and when Longfellow started talking it zooms out and you just see this 6’4” stormtrooper standing behind you all slightly awkward.

NICK: “Can-Can… Can I have a bantha cake?”

LAURA: “Oh, of course!” She hands him one of the two. “So Tink, do you want this other bantha cake?”

HUDSON: “No thanks.”

LAURA: “Okay, well I offered. So how many people are in the room?”

HUDSON: “Looks like there are…”

NICK: You fire up the scanner. You can actually see the whole front half of the ship from the range. You can see there are five lifeforms in the forward cargo hold and five lifeforms in the port cargo hold off to your left. Also, the whole ship lights the hell up with motion sensors, especially some really sharp clusters back towards where Karma and Xianna came from and another set of clusters that is, if you’re facing the forward cargo hold, it’s at like 7 o’clock, so somewhere back further into the ship. But yeah, this whole thing is security rigged.

HUDSON: “Oh. You think my scanner did that?”

CAMERON: “Did what?”

HUDSON: “Cause all the lights.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “What…?”

CAMERON: “Can I see that for a second, Tink?” (laughs)

LAURA: “How many people are there?!”

HUDSON: “Okay. There are five people in the cargo hold and five people in the…”

CAMERON: Other one.

NICK: Other cargo hold.

HUDSON: “…on the other cargo hold.”

LAURA: “Ugh. I don’t want to have to get ten people. That is too many.”

HUDSON: “I mean, we don’t have to.”

LAURA: “What are we even doing here again?”

CAMERON: “We are getting the Green Gigorans… gregariously?”

HUDSON: “The Triple G, yo.”

NICK: At this point the stormtrooper tilts his helmet up to above his nose and starts eating the bantha cake. You see this amazing male model chiseled jaw with a little cleft. The bottom of his nose looks strong. He smiles and has perfectly white teeth.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) yes!

NICK: (deep, suave voice) “Oh, well thank you so much for this bantha cake.”

LAURA: Yesss~!

NICK: “It sure brings back those nostalgic feelings from my childhood in my privileged home.” And then he slides the helmet back on.

(laughter)

LAURA: (grinning) Oh well, uh… You are welcome. Heheh.”

NICK: (return to standard, nerdy, muffled stormtrooper voice) “That was very kind of you.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yes, um, heh. Well, anyways, I do not want to have to get ten people. That is a lot of work and I’m tired…”

CAMERON: Karma pops her neck and looks at Tink. “We got this? You got an axe now.”

HUDSON: “I do.”

CAMERON: “Don’t get hit.”

HUDSON: “Uh… When do I ever want to?”

CAMERON: “I was just warning. I don’t know.”

HUDSON: “Okay, well…”

CAMERON: “It looks like you have not been following that advice, so I’m just providing it again.”

HUDSON: “(huffs) Sometimes even when you want to not get hit you get hit, and I’ve learned that through experience.”

CAMERON: “Do you want another gun?”

HUDSON: “yeah, I’d love one.”

CAMERON: I hand him the carbine. (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I have a grenade.

HUDSON: “Now where’s the trigger on this thing?”

(laughter)

NICK: Oh gosh. Tink’s holding it, kind of aiming up and asking that, and hits the trigger and it goes (pew-pew) into the ceiling. Luckily you’re far enough down the hallway that it blends in with the general rummaging so you don’t tick them off.

CAMERON: “Hey, you found it.”

HUDSON: “Alright. I think I can shoot this thing now.”

CAMERON: “I would say go for your axe first.”

HUDSON: Alright. I strap the gun to me.

CAMERON: “Just carry the carbine so I don’t have to carry it.

HUDSON: Wait, can I do that?

NICK: You can, just where?

HUDSON: I thought I had it across…

NICK: Do you want it on your back or in front of you?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: When you said it that way, I was like you’re big enough to strap this rifle to your leg.

CAMERON: Like normal people would put a light blaster, he’s just got a carbine there.

HUDSON: (laughs) No, on my back.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: “Let’s do it!”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

NICK: “Are we just charging in or what?”

LAURA: “I guess.”

CAMERON: “No, we’re sneaking.”

LAURA: “Oh, we are sneaking. Okay.”

HUDSON: “I thought we were just charging in.”

CAMERON: “Well Tink, you can, because they think that you’re on their side, because they kidnapped you. We cannot.”

HUDSON: “Ohh… Do we have grenades?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “I literally just said I had grenades.”

HUDSON: “I don’t remember you talking… at all. Which kind of grenades do we have?”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “The frag grenades. The ones that go explode.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Why don’t we just use those? What if we just throw all of them in there?”

LAURA: “I have three.”

CAMERON: “How much damage do y’all really wanna do to this ship?”

HUDSON: “I just wanna get them killed and over with.”

LAURA: “I don’t, um…”

CAMERON: Karma looks to trooper Longfellow. “Do you have an opinion on this, on how this ship remains intact?”

NICK: “I mean, the captain’s dead, so as long as you don’t vent atmosphere and throw people into space I don’t really care. I’m sort of the rebel of the patrol. I like to get results.”

LAURA: “Okay.” I hand Tink a grenade.

CAMERON: “I can respect that.”

LAURA: And I take one too.

CAMERON: Alright.

HUDSON: “Let’s go. You know what, thinking about it more… This concussion, I go back and forth.”

LAURA: “Tink, I already handed you one. You better use it.”

HUDSON: “Whoa. I’m already off the grenades topic. Thank you for the grenade.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “If you are not going to use it hand it back.”

HUDSON: “No, I’m going to use it, maybe. First we gotta sneak there, and then I’ll come out of sneak mode and be like ‘sup everybody,’ and then—“

LAURA: “And then we throw the grenades. Got it.”

CAMERON: “Or—“

LAURA: And Xianna starts sneaking forward.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: (smiling) Okay.

CAMERON: Karma just waves everybody else forward. (laughs)

NICK: Stealth check, please.

LAURA: Difficulty?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: Karma got one success and an advantage.

NICK: Great. Are you trying to post up in the doorway again?

CAMERON: Yup. Worked well for me last time.

NICK: How convenient that the ship has ledges in front of all their doors that are about the width of karma so that she can sneakily take cover.

CAMERON: It is very convenient.

LAURA: One success.

HUDSON: Uh… Two triumphs…

LAURA: What?!

CAMERON: Holy shit!

LAURA: But no successes in those triumphs.

(laughter)

HUDSON: …and two failures, I guess.

LAURA: No, no, those failures cancel. That’s why these don’t have successes is because of this.

HUDSON: So straight up two triumphs. (laughs)

LAURA: But no successes in them.

NICK: Oh no… We need to play a game where the solution is just like flipping coins or something.

LAURA: (laughing) Like it would be any better than this.

NICK: Goodness. Were you trying to do a stealth check?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okay. You fail the fuck out of the stealth check.

HUDSON: That doesn’t matter for me, though.

NICK: It doesn’t.

CAMERON: He walks in like he owns the place.

NICK: Or you try to stealth and just kinda keep walking past where everyone else takes cover? Longfellow stays back a little ways. He knows he’s not sneaky. He plays to his strengths. He’s, uh, kind of a cool dude.

HUDSON: Smooth operator.

NICK: Yeah… Anyway. You crouch and you’re being pretty sneaky, and then you look up and realize you’re standing in the middle of the room. You just kept going. With your triumphs, one of them I’m going to suggest that you do it on their ‘oh hey, it’s our slicer friend. Look, he got a vibro-axe, as is his cultural right.’

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. They’re not gonna recognize it’s Ziller’s. So you’re there, you’re in the middle, you could engage with any of them. you see there are four Humans and they’re basically just piling the crates in the corner because Ziller told them not to move them yet, and there’s one Gigoran who is doing the same thing but with bigger, heavier crates by himself, moving them.

LAURA: Get them all standing next to each other, or make them like once you walk in they all stand next to each other.

HUDSON: Oh…

CAMERON: They all come over to greet you.

NICK: If that’s what you would like to do.

HUDSON: “Oh man, guys, my stomach… I need to visit the little Gigoran’s room. Stay right there.”

NICK: “Well, but you just got here.”

HUDSON: “Nope, nope, it just hit me, hit me like a ton of bricks… Bye.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: They look confused, and they all kind of cluster together, and you can hear them from the doorway being like “man, that was kinda weird, right? I know he’s the new guy…”

HUDSON: I run away far enough and throw the grenade.

(laughter)

NICK: With the way that’s set up, if you want to throw multiple grenades at once, assuming that you get enough to activate blast two should take out this whole group.

LAURA: I’d be throwing one and Tink would be throwing one.

NICK: Yeah, but if you want to throw in unison and try to do it, then yeah you can go ahead and do that. We don’t need to do initiative for this.

HUDSON: “Xianna, now!”

NICK: (laughs) ‘Who’s Xianna? I don’t know what he- Did he look concussed to you?’

CAMERON: It just sounds like all these Humans are talking to this bus.

NICK: The Gigoran doesn’t really grace them with his conversation.

LAURA: Can we be short range? I’m imagining if they were talking to him…

NICK: Sure. If you’re using triumphs to position people they can be short range. That’s fine. I do want to flip a dark side point though to flip it to a red, because if I can get a despair out of this I will absolutely do it. … Nope. Dang.

LAURA: One success, one advantage for me.

HUDSON: Does mine get upgraded to a red as well?

NICK: Yep. Flip me another dark side point, please.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Easy. … Uh-oh.

HUDSON: One failure, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. This happens very quickly. They throw their grenades. I think the Humans scatter. Xianna is able to plunk the Gigoran in the chest. It blows up and…

LAURA: Nine damage.

NICK: Nine damage takes him out. Wait… No, it doesn’t. He would have soak. So, it hurts him real, real bad. He’s still standing. The Humans all kinda scatter out of the way. They are discombobulated. The other grenade sails over his head and blows up a crate, and with the threats, the crate is full of sulfur which ignites and just starts pumping noxious gas into the room. That seems bad. Karma and Longfellow can get a shot in here. We’re gonna do it like a sort of informal initiative because this is mostly cleanup. You already took Ziller out.

CAMERON: Short range, taking a blue die because I’m aiming, taking a blue die because they haven’t gone in combat yet, because I’m remembering it this time gosh darn it. Gonna do eeney-meeney-miney-moe and I shoot one.

NICK: You’re shooting at the Humans?

CAMERON: I’ll do the Gigoran. He’s the one I’m technically after.

NICK: Are you shooting stun?

CAMERON: I’m still stun. Well, wait, hold on. They were all dead or alive, and he just took a… Yeah, I’ll flip it.

NICK: Ooh. Okay.

CAMERON: This Gigoran’s gonna get it.

NICK: Karma’s getting irritated.

CAMERON: This is taking too long. Three successes and an advantage, so that is 12 damage.

NICK: Nice. That takes down the Gigoran and two of the guys leaving two remaining. We’ll just resolve it cinematically, because it’s more fun that way. The grenades go off, there’s an explosion, the hull starts to fill with noxious gas. Longfellow goes running into the room and does a baseball slide and fires and takes down the other two with clean shots, and then puts his E11 blaster on his shoulder and says, “Well, that wasn’t too hard.” As he’s doing that, the gas is starting to fill the room and he coughs a little bit, and then you see (laughs) the camera rotates dramatically to be from his perspective and walking behind you all towards the ship are two more Gigorans carrying a really big crate of stuff that’s just piled high with safety deposit boxes. They look to see you all, and then we get a freeze frame, and for this one I’m gonna need a Cool check to see who draws first in this situation. They are engaged range with Xianna and Karma, and they are medium range from Tink and Longfellow.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty for me?

CAMERON: None.

NICK: Cool check is just competitive.

CAMERON: Karma is two successes and an advantage.

LAURA: Two successes, two advantages.

HUDSON: One success, one advantage.

NICK: For the Gigorans, roll me two yellow dice please.

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Bleh. For Longfellow, roll me a yellow and two greens. He’s fairly competent.

CAMERON: Three successes.

NICK: Ooh. Alright. He’s gonna go first. He basically sees them, and Xianna and karma you see it look like he’s suddenly aiming at you all, and then he tries to double tap and shoot over your shoulders. Roll me a yellow and a green versus average difficulty, but upgrade the purple to a red, flip my last dark side point there. Is it my last one?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Yeah. I kept a good count in my head.

CAMERON: Did he aim?

NICK: Yes, he did. Fairly confident, this Longfellow.

CAMERON: One success, two threats.

NICK: That’s what, 12 damage?

CAMERON: Carbine is 9.

NICK: Okay, so it’s 10 damage. He double taps, it goes right over Xianna’s shoulder. This is the Gonzo director so her lekku blow in the wind from it.

CAMERON: The camera follows the blaster bolt as we go over it and we see her head tails ripple as it goes.

HUDSON: Six lens flares.

(laughter)

NICK: She turns dramatically to see one of the Gigorans took both blaster bolts to the forehead, and there’s the loud (clunk), it’s the sound effect from when they drop Han Solo in carbonite, where it’s just that super loud, no bounce thud, as they drop the case and safety deposit boxes start to slide down out of the big crate and pile over on the now dead Gigoran. Xianna’s up next, which is thematically appropriate since she turned around.

LAURA: I’m gonna grab my blaster and shoot them. I have Quickdraw with that one.

NICK: Cool, and it’s close range. Well, engaged is what I said, but same difference.

LAURA: Three successes, one threat, so total damage will be 9.

NICK: Oh, you almost get him. You quickdraw, shoot him twice, pause dramatically, and he stumbles backwards and drops the other side of the case, and then starts to roar and comes at Xianna with his vibro-axe. Roll me a green and a yellow at that difficulty, see how he does.

LAURA: Black die; I have 1 Range Defense.

NICK: This is Melee though.

LAURA: Also melee.

NICK: Great.

LAURA: yes.

NICK: Well there you go.

LAURA: Works both ways!

NICK: You tricked me.

CAMERON: One of all of the defenses. … Fail, with one advantage.

NICK: Okay. His advantage is he’s moving quickly enough that he’ll be a little bit harder to shoot. Whoever attacks him next will have a black die. Xianna, how do you dodge this rampaging Gigoran with a giant axe?

LAURA: I drop and roll.

NICK: Okay. Do you roll through his legs?

LAURA: Oh yes. That sounds a lot more fun. I was just gonna drop and roll off to the side, but through the legs sounds much more fun.

NICK: You do that, and we get a confused noise, and then it’s Karma’s turn.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna shoot him.

NICK: makes sense.

CAMERON: If we’re engaged mine is harder now again, so I’m back up to average, because short is one?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: He hasn’t gone yet this encounter?

NICK: yes he did, he attacked Xianna.

CAMERON: Oh dang it, he just did, that’s right. Well, he missed and it as just so spectacularly a failure that I forgot that he went.

NICK: I mean, it did serve to basically show how cool Xianna was more than to do anything, so that makes sense.

CAMERON: Four successes.

NICK: Yeah. How do you kill this guy? Or do you switch back to stun?

CAMERON: No, this guy is unfortunate in the fact that I just killed his friend and saw someone getting shot behind me and just turned and did not flip it back, so that’s just 13 death damage.

NICK: Good old death damage.

LAURA & CAMERON: Death damage.

NICK: That was my favorite bounty hunter. Okay, so how do you kill this guy? (laughs)

CAMERON: Okay? (giggles) Karma probably sees the shot go by and Xianna turn, and then turns and this guy is just right there and basically just shoots him point blank.

NICK: Okay. he flies backward and slams into a wall and it dents in a little bit, because that’s just how this thing is going.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: And they drop. Everybody that you can see is down. The far cargo hold has fallen silent as if there are some people hiding in there who don’t want no more. You are now free to move about the cabin.

HUDSON: “Let’s get out of here.”

CAMERON: “I need to pick up all of my Gigorans.”

HUDSON: “Okay. Need any help?”

CAMERON: “Yes please. (laughs) I can’t carry all of them.”

LAURA: “We could get the cart that they were using for the deposit boxes, put them on it.”

CAMERON: Okay. Let’s load it up with Gigorans.

NICK: You throw the three Gigorans onto the cart.

LAURA: Xianna wants to make a show of helping picking up one of the Gigorans, the one that got buried, and she wants to try to get a few of the safety deposit boxes underneath them.

CAMERON: Oh, see, Karma’s just tossing them on top. Karma doesn’t even care anymore.

LAURA: Xianna just wants to make sure there’s a few, or if they have little pouches get them in the fur, and stuff a few in there, surreptitiously.

NICK: Okay. That sounds like Skulduggery to me.

CAMERON: Can she have a blue die? Because I’m not not helping?

NICK: What?!

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: I’m not not helping.

LAURA: She’s not not helping~!

CAMERON: Yeah, like the case where… I see it happening and I’m just putting people on top and not…

NICK: Don’t care?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: So, I will give you a blue die too, because you’re trying to keep DK6969 from seeing, right?

LAURA: yeah. I just don’t want him to see it.

NICK: So, he ran back out and slammed dramatically into the wall next to the dent where the Gigoran was and is aiming down the wall, bracing himself, covering you while you load it up. ‘I’ll make sure nobody else comes by.”

LAURA: “Oh, thank you~”

NICK: He’s looking away from you, so you get a blue die for that.

LAURA: What would the difficulty be?

NICK: Average is fine. Ooh, wait. I have a proposal for you. You can keep that roll, or the harder you make the difficulty the better shit you’re going to find. If you want to keep it average and you want to do that amount of successes, that’s fine. You can roll for hard and find cooler shit, or you can roll for daunting and find some really cool shit.

LAURA: I’m going daunting. Let’s see how this works. Ugh! That was almost a triumph. Okay, so two successes and one threat.

NICK: Nice. The threat is Longfellow is looking up and down the hallway and see’s something. “Hey, what are you doing over there? Load them up. Let’s go.”

CAMERON: “Sorry, the axes are sharp. We’re just being careful.”

LAURA: “I am very small and they are so big.”

(snickering, laughter)

NICK: Jesus.

CAMERON: He’s really into that.

NICK: He is, but he also like… When the helmet’s on he’s a little more blustery. You can tell he’s flushing through the helmet and he nervously snaps back to cover the hall. You can tell he’s trying to look cool.

CAMERON: The helmet turns slightly pink.

NICK: Yeah. You get the little chibi blush circles.

LAURA: The little anime (laughs) on the helmet.

NICK: Yeah, the slashy lines. You grab quite a few safety deposit boxes and a couple of the long boxes that look like necklace cases. I’m just gonna put five-star haul and we can talk about that later when you count up your loot at the end. So, you’re able to get that up, you push it back, you get back to the bridge and the troopers are still guarding but Karma waves at them and they wave you through. Do you toss Ziller onto the cart, too?

CAMERON: Yup. Uncuff him from the chair, just cuff him back to himself.

NICK: Okay. Yeah. You have this big pile. The cart is grinding on the ground a little bit at this point. It’s really heavy. The repulsers are still helping, but you’re definitely getting the (grinding) noise as you shove it along. Tink is having to lean into it and help. Is there anything else that you’re looking at as you leave the ship, or are you just headed back to the Afternoon Delight?

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna go over and look where she saw the blood trail earlier leading into the cabinet.

NICK: Okay. What are you looking for?

CAMERON: Something in the cabinet. (laughs)

NICK: Okay, so just because you saw it earlier… You kneel down and look into the cabinet. We get a cool shot of all your head tails down on the ground and pooling like hair, and it looks really cool. There is an access hatch there that seems to go into the depths of the sip. It’s very small. It would fit maybe a medium sized dog. Something went in there, but you can’t see where it went. You might be able to fit, but it would be pretty tough.

CAMERON: Okay. I close the cabinet back up.

LAURA: “What was in the cabinet?”

CAMERON: “It’s empty.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay.”

NICK: We also get a really brief shot of “DK6969, reporting back, sir.” The captains both salute and he salutes and they start exchanging information.

The not captain Massle says, “Well, good job, private. We’ll make sure this is detailed in your record. They didn’t do anything illegal, did they?”

We get a shot of the tall stormtrooper looking at Xianna, and there’s a long pause. “No sir, they did nothing wrong at all.

CAMERON: (giggles) Aww~

LAURA: Xianna’s doing her little wave, just like “oh hello, heh.” Smiles at him.

NICK: He snaps back into formation with the rest of them looking almost identical except that he’s taller.

CAMERON: “Tink, there were only four Green Gigorans, right?”

HUDSON: “Uhhh… I thought there was maybe a fifth one. I know that there were some people from the group that got away.”

LAURA: “This is good enough. They didn’t know how many there were either, so if we’re collecting the bounty we can just lie.”

CAMERON: “True.”

HUDSON: “It’s real fuzzy.”

CAMERON: “Okay.” I start pushing the cart again. “They’re not gonna be able to get back into their ship anyway, so the stormtroopers will take care of them.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. Eh, good point.”

CAMERON: Because we know something that they don’t know, and that’s that they can’t access their ship anymore.

NICK: So you go back to the ship?

CAMERON: Yep.

NICK: Okay. We get a shot of… Oh my gosh. We’re going to camera skip over how you get this heavy cart into the flexible tube that you entered in. we’re gonna skip that bit.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: We just show on the other side where I’m walking onto the ship still pushing the cart with all the Gigorans on it.

NICK: We’re gonna zoom the camera back a couple of fourth walls here to the point where the actors have the cart at the gate and they all look at the director, and the director is like…

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) Just shrugs.

NICK: …scruffy guy with blonde, puffy hair and glasses, and he’s looking at you like “Well shit. We’ll just skip that scene. Go back to the ship!”

(laughter)

LAURA: It’s a hover cart! It’ll hover over the fabric!

CAMERON: It’ll hover through the tube!

HUDSON: Movie magic.

NICK: The prop department is like, “Don’t try to put that cart in there. You’re gonna tear it up. We spent a lot of time on that.

LAURA: It doesn’t actually work. (laughs)

NICK: Anyway. We get a shot of the unconscious Gigorans sprawled in the main lobby of the ship, or the one unconscious ones and the three dead ones, and I think we get a shot of Xianna nearby with her just pile of safety deposit boxes starting to crack into them. we see Karma going to the cockpit and start to flip switches and get it running. Tink, what are you doing at this point on the ship as you get ready to take off?

HUDSON: I’m lying on the couch taking a little snooze.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You’re asleep, arm thrown across your eyes, as Xianna’s… I’m really getting the kid right after Halloween haul.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I imagine they’re in that little main lounge room and she’s sitting on the floor right in front of one of the very long lounge chairs. She has everything piled up in front of her and she’s going through things and opening things up.

NICK: yeah. One of the safety deposit boxes gets cracked open and we get the shot from Pulp Fiction where it’s like…

LAURA: (laughs) Just glowing.

NICK: …just the yellow light on Xianna’s face and the camera’s behind it, and you go ‘ooh~’

LAURA: Her eyes light up.

NICK: You see the Afternoon Delight detach and start to fly away, and then the camera angle pulls out to the Mon Cal cruiser and the big asteroid starts to shift and slide free, and it sets the cruiser into a slow, weird, off-axis tilt, and then you see the YT2400 that the GGG were using detach and start to fly away too… and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Wee!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 25:

Putting the Party in Boarding Party

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

I have one reminder and one vague statement to make today. First, reminder: We now have merchandise! You can get shirts, mugs, tote bags and stickers with your favorite Star Wars crew at teepublic.com. If you want to rep the show, check it out. Ours came in last week and I’ve been informed by several people that Tabletop Squadron merchandise made me appear more intelligent and attractive.

My vague statement for the episode: We’re getting pretty close to 200 followers on Twitter. Like, we can see it from where we’re standing, metaphorically. Laura’s been hard at work creating some awesome stuff to celebrate the next milestone. We’re ready to take this thing to the stars with your support. If you don’t follow us already on Twitter, you should, and if you have friends that might like the show, tell them. Believe me, it’s going to be worth it.

Finally, I want to thank JsXtm for their iTunes review. JsXtm must stand for Just So Extremely Terrific Machine. Thanks to everyone who has left us a review. It really warms our wampas to see all your kind words.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 25! Pull up a chair. We’ve got chairs for you, at least one chair, but there should be exactly enough space. Just don’t knock my drink over on the new sound board. Gonna go around the table. Everybody gonna introduce themselves and say who they’re playing, and we got a little bit of experience last time so if you spent any let me know. We’re gonna go reverse order this time, so first up is Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink the Gigoran slicer. I received experience last time but I’m hoarding that shit.

NICK: Yeah! He’s got it under a floorboard in his bedroom.

HUDSON: (laughing) They can’t escape.

(laughter)

NICK: (laughing) That’s not what I meant at all.

HUDSON: Oh…

NICK: I meant like a stash, not like…

LAURA: Like a box of money.

HUDSON: Oh!

NICK: (laughing) It’s too late. You said it now. Up next we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: I mean… (laughter) I’m just still thinking about this…

CAMERON: Did he like stash the money next to someone?

LAURA: Did you kill it and then put it under the floorboards, or did you bring it down into your basement and then wall it up?

HUDSON: Old Xavier Powell, known as XP, didn’t make it that far in my house.

NICK: He was like, ‘Yo Xavier, come try this really fancy wine in my basement.’

(laughter)

LAURA: That’s where I was going. ‘Do you want some really fancy wine? It’s in my basement…’ Hudson has no idea what we are talking about.

HUDSON: Nope.

NICK: That’s an Edgar Allan Poe short story called A Cask of Amontillado. It must have come out like, what, two or three years ago?

CAMERON: Oh my god. (smiling) Shut up.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: It’s a meme…? (laughter) You see, it’s a SpongeBob episode.

HUDSON: Oh yeah. I love that episode.

NICK: Oh god damn it.

LAURA & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Our education system… Anyway Laura, who are you playing today?

LAURA: Yes. I am Laura, and I am playing Xianna’fan as always. She is a Twi’lek smuggler, and I also received experience points because we all did… (laughter) and I am not spending it, because I am also saving it.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: Mine is not under the floorboards though.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: It is just hanging out. It’s been invited over to stay a while.

CAMERON: It is stored safely on her character sheet.

LAURA: It is just written on my character sheet as abstract numbers. Yup.

NICK: Yup. Cool, cool. Cool-cool, cool-cool-cool. Last up we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I’m Cameron. I’m playing Karma Nailo and I DID spend my experience points, because I had cheap shit to buy.

NICK: What’s that like?

CAMERON: Well, I decided it was time to put some XP into my Skip Tracer tree, so I bought Street Smarts!

NICK: Street Smarts!

LAURA & HUDSON: Street Smarts!

CAMERON: I get to remove a black die per rank of Street Smarts from all Streetwise or Knowledge: Underworld checks.

NICK: How much of that was because you thought it would assist the party and how much of it was you wanted to yell Street Smarts?

CAMERON: Well…

LAURA: Considering that I’ve had Street Smarts this whole time, and I don’t think I have once used it, it’s entirely so you can say Street Smarts!

CAMERON: Street Smarts!

NICK: I mean, that’s the main thing. I think you’ve used it once, but I can’t say stuff like that on the recording because someone will call me on it when I’m wrong.

CAMERON: Actually, the main reason I purchased it is because that is the line that gets me to the Dedication on that tree.

NICK: Stats are good. Stats are good.

CAMERON: Yes.

HUDSON: For our listeners that are unaware of the reference, just go watch the latest John Mulaney special, because there’s definitely an intersection between our audience and people who would like that special.

LAURA: It’s also an intersection of an inside joke we already had of ‘I have Streetwise!’

HUDSON: Yeah, that’s true.

NICK: Yeah. I’m pretty sure John Mulaney just knew that we liked that kind of joke and designed his whole special around us.

HUDSON: John Mulaney , our most famous fan.

LAURA: He stole my cross-stitch.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (laughs) The one that says ‘The cat is a dick. Watch out for your glasses.’?

LAURA: No, the one that says ‘I have Streetwise.’

NICK: Oh. Okay.

LAURA: You’ve seen this cross-stitch.

NICK: (laughs) Yeah. It’s a good cross-stitch. So, I have been informed that we are supposed to be playing Star Wars, so let’s start off with the Destiny Roll, which Cameron already did by accident.

CAMERON: (laughs) I got a dark side.

LAURA: I also got a single dark side.

HUDSON: I have a single dark side.

CAMERON: Oh shit. Three dark side.

NICK: Three dark side…

CAMERON: This is… It was so much better last episode.

HUDSON: It was.

CAMERON: (sighs) We used up all of our luck.

NICK: Yup. Probably. When we last left off, Karma saw Tink being spirited away on a YT2400 space ship, which if you’re keeping track is Dash Rendar’s ship. It’s not his actual ship, but it’s the same kind. That’s very important. Anybody who likes Star Wars should know that. Just kidding. Tink was sort of on-boarded to this gang crew situation, met Web-Web Kebob the blue Gungan, and Karma and Xianna went and got a full night’s sleep and then went after the Gregarious Green Gig—Green Gregarious Gigorans? Gosh.

HUDSON: GGG. (Triple G).

NICK: GGG!

CAMERON: That is the correct order of Gs. Yes.

NICK: Green is first?

CAMERON: Green is first.

NICK: Gah. We need to just start naming things like Bob, something easy.

CAMERON: Or the Slippery Nerfs.

NICK: The Slippery Nerfs was good, but they’re all dead now.

CAMERON: Whoops.

NICK: Yeah. You jump to hyperspace having bribed some people into giving you the heading of their last hyperspace jump, and you came into a battle scene of a Mon Cal cruiser being attacked by pirates and were able to dock with the ship but on the far side. We’ll start off right about there. Am I missing anything? Sound good?

We’re gonna start off with Tink. We start with the camera looking over Tink’s shoulder. He is standing surrounded by Gigorans and unsavory individuals in front of a sealed airlock door. You can hear ship fire in the distance. It looks like you must have been discovered already. Ziller, the Gigoran quartermaster, looks annoyed. “Well, go ahead and get this open, brother.”

You plug your outlaw tech data breaker into the door panel, and as you begin to slice into the system there’s a huge bang. Another airlock door shuts behind you and the crew. Web-Web Kebob, the blue Gungan, leans close to you. “It’s getting a bit stuffy in here,” they say. “You should go quickly.” I’m gonna need a slicing check from you to get into the ship.

HUDSON: Alright, alright, alright.

NICK: Oh no…

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: It’s hard. … Oh my gosh, you’re good at slicing.

CAMERON: He’s really kriffin’ smart.

HUDSON: Wait…

CAMERON: Oh no, he’s not that kriffin’ smart.

LAURA: No, he has a 4 in Intelligence.

CAMERON: He does, but not four yellows.

NICK: you get two blue dice for using your data breaker too.

HUDSON: Yes I do.

NICK: The most relevant item in the game.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success, an additional success, and a threat.

NICK: Wow. Okay. The door slides open. You’re able to do it really fast, pretty much before Web-Web finishes saying like hey hurry up and do this, the door (whooshes and clunks). I’ll just skip this paragraph where I describe what happens when you fail, because that didn’t happen.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Yay~

NICK: Ziller pulls a vibro-axe off his back and the other three Gigorans do the same. We get a shot of the entire crew of the GGG gang. It’s about 15 people all armed to the T, and they push past you. “Take what you want, brothers. We’ve got 45 minutes, then the ship leaves. Go!” And the pirates scatter through the ship leaving you and Web-Web behind. Is there anything you want to do with that triumph?

HUDSON: Hmm. Does Web-Web have weapons?

NICK: Yes.

HUDSON: Okay. What kind of weapons?

NICK: Web-Web has two light blasters and what looks like wickedly curved vibro-knives. They look like kukri, the curvy knives. They’re really intense and they’re sheathed in forearm sheathes.

HUDSON: In order to make it so that I seem like I’m trying to help them, but also so that I can inadvertently misdirect during this whole fight, I want Web-Web to sit on my shoulder so that I may throw him acrobatics style at people, or—

NICK: Them. That one’s important. Throw them.

HUDSON: Throw them.

NICK: They’re non-binary.

HUDSON: Ohh!

NICK: They/them pronouns.

HUDSON: They/them pronouns, got it.

NICK: Yup. You’re good. Keep going.

HUDSON: …throw them at different people, or (laughing) have Web-Web just shoot from my shoulder.

NICK: Okay, so you want your triumph to be, because you hacked so good, this space pirate will ride on your shoulder like a deadly parrot. That’s what you want?

(laughter)

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: (smiling) Um… Sorry. I was not expecting that.

CAMERON: Why…?

NICK: One: We can absolutely make this happen. Two: I’ll let that triumph give you two blue dice on a check to convince them that’s the best tactic to use, but I want to roleplay this conversation out.

HUDSON: yes. (laughs)

NICK: The door swings open. Everybody leaves. Web-Web is sitting there. They are unsheathing and re-sheathing their kukri blades on their forearms and checking their blasters. “Alright, let’s go. Where are we going? My job is to follow you. What’s going on?”

HUDSON: “If your job is to follow me, I have a proposal.”

NICK: “Okay…?”

HUDSON: “You should sit on my shoulder for optimal… You know acrobatics, right?”

NICK: “Oh. Can you just tell from my lithe figure? Yeah.”

HUDSON: “Not that you look like you’re from the circus or anything. Yeah.” (laughter) “But anyways, I digress. For the optimal vantage point you should sit on my shoulder so that I may throw you at the enemy or cause you to have a better shot, because you’d be higher up.”

NICK: “So I’m gonna be honest right now… No one’s ever told me to ride on their shoulders. I mean, you’re a big Gigoran, but we’re also gonna be on a ship. It’s gonna be… I’m gonna hit my head on stuff. I can just tell the first time you roll a threat I’m gonna smack my head on something.”

(chuckling)

HUDSON: “What’s rolling a threat?” (laughs)

NICK: “I have meta-knowledge, because I was created by Twitter.” No, none of that’s canon. Moving on. Roll me a Charm check, or if you have no intention of this increasing Web-Web’s capabilities you could do Deception. If you’re purely doing it so that you have an advantage when the tide turns.

HUDSON: I’m purely doing it so that I can have an advantage.

NICK: Okay, so this is even more BS which you’re better at than if you were just trying to be nice. I love that a majority of our team is better at lying than saying nice things.

HUDSON: Absolutely. What is the difficulty?

LAURA: I mean, I have a point in Charm.

NICK: How many points in Deception do you have?

LAURA: Two.

NICK: See. (laughs)

HUDSON: (laughing) I have 2 points in Deception, 0 in Charm.

CAMERON: Yeah. I have 2 in Deception, 1 in Charm.

NICK: I’m really glad that I did that no-look shot and was right.

CAMERON: But they’re both three dice! So Karma’s not that far off.

NICK: Okay. It’s gonna be two because Web-Web’s game for anything, but a black die because this is a weird suggestion. Roll it up.

HUDSON: A triumph and a threat, and the triumph has a success.

NICK: Right. You succeed. There’s a threat. I think the threat is that Web-Web is mildly suspicious, or just kind of concerned about you as a person. If that was your first thing, ‘Oh, right! We’re gonna raid this ship? Get on my back!’ That’s a weird thing. Do you have something for the triumph that you would want to do? You can also think about it, because we can cut away to the others.

HUDSON: Yeah, I can think about it. Can it come up a little bit later?

NICK: Yeah, but it’ll have to do with Web-Web riding your shoulders, be vaguely around that thing.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: Cool! That’s going on. We jump over to Karma and Xianna. You were able to connect the Afternoon Delight on the far side of the Mon Cal cruiser. There’s an auxiliary airlock to welcome you to the ship. We get an internal shot of white, well-lit hallways and then a slight shutter as your ships connect. We see you slide ungracefully through into the hallway through a flexible red chute. You land in the hallway. There are emergency claxons going in the distance. This ship is on high alert and you have boarded without permission. The hallway extends to either direction. From where the Gigoran YT2400 was parked you know that heading to the left towards the rest of the ship is probably in the correct direction if you’re aiming for Tink. Besides that, you’re currently going in blind. What do you do?

CAMERON: “Xianna, I’m gonna recommend you put your blaster on stun.”

LAURA: Oh. You turn around and Xianna’s eating a bantha cake. (laughter) She’s just like, both hands, doing the chipmunk thing. (mouth full) “Oh… Okay~!” Heh.

CAMERON: “Just thinking since we just saw the captain get shot down we may come under some friendly fire from the people who are supposed to be on this ship. Since I don’t think he gave us clearance before he was shot, I would prefer to not kill anyone.”

LAURA: “Should I not have brought the grenades?”

CAMERON: “Hold onto them, just don’t throw them at non-green Gigorans, I guess.”

LAURA: “Okie.” She smooshes the rest of the bantha cake in her mouth, crumples up the wrapper, tosses it over her shoulder, and then takes out her blaster and puts it to stun. Yes.

CAMERON: It sticks a little. It hasn’t been over there for a while. (laughs)

LAURA: Yeah, I’m sure her gun has that. She does do it so that Karma sees it. She’s like, “there,” and she does check a grenade, like “these don’t…?”

CAMERON: “Nope. Those don’t.”

LAURA: “No?” And puts it back. “Okay.” Heh.

CAMERON: Karma watches her do it while walking around her and picking up the trash that she just dropped. “Okay. Thanks.” She puts it in her pocket and she’s gonna throw it away later. (laughs)

LAURA: “They have droids for that!”

CAMERON: “Xianna! We’re guests!”

NICK: A little mouse droid goes buzzing by to where the wrapper was. You can see it’s smoking slightly. It makes a (“oh well” sounding motorized noise) and then speeds off really quick. Right now you have a hallway to the left and to the right. That’s all you can see. You can hear the sounds of combat and laser fire, and just general muckery I guess. It’s kind of hard to tell where it’s coming from, the ship is pretty echoey, but your hallway is currently empty.

CAMERON: You said Tink would be left?

NICK: Probably.

CAMERON: That is where the ship would be anyway.

NICK: Yeah. The ship is basically shaped like a giant cucumber. He was—

LAURA: (snickers)

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: Look up a Mon Cal cruiser.

CAMERON: Cats are terrified of it.

NICK: Yep. The Bothans don’t mess with the Mon Cal, because of their cucumber shaped ships. The GGG ship was in the top right corner of the ship and the auxiliary port that you were able to park in was in the bottom left corner of the ship. You’ve got a decent amount of ground to cover, but if you turn left that will head towards a majority of the ship. If your characters turn left… She’s making gestures at me like ‘Really?’ No, I promise. I drew it out.

CAMERON: (laughing) Alright. Well, I don’t know. If you had it drawn out—my brain’s not picturing it. But okay!

NICK: Cool. Whatcha doin’?

CAMERON: Turn on my com. “Hello…?”

LAURA: “Oh yeah. We have coms.”

CAMERON: “Tiiink?”

LAURA: “Tink?!”

NICK: We get a shot of Tink running down a hallway and peering around a corner with this acrobatic Gungan hanging off of his shoulders and leaning further around the corner and holding a pistol out. Your com goes off and you hear them calling you.

HUDSON: “Who is this?”

CAMERON: “It’s us!”

LAURA: “Tink! You know who this is!”

HUDSON: “Oh… Where are you?”

LAURA: “I don’t know…”

NICK: “Hey Tink, who are you talking to?”

HUDSON: “I don’t know yet. I think I’m gonna investigate.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Oh, okay. Well, just remember, our goal here is to kill as many as possible and get as much valuable product as possible back to the ship.”

CAMERON: “Tink. What? Who are you talking to?” (laughs)

LAURA: “Wait. Do you mean investigate where you are or where we are?”

HUDSON: “I’m gonna find you. … Where are you?”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I don’t know!”

NICK: “Yes Tink, tell us where they are. If you found any survivors we can go finish them off.”

CAMERON: “Tink, we’re in the bottom left corner?” (laughs) “Right? Right?”

NICK: The, uh… stern?

CAMERON: “Stern.”

NICK: Stern port side.

CAMERON: “Stern port side.”

NICK: Ships.

LAURA: “Yes. What she said.”

CAMERON: “We’re back behind you, buddy.”

HUDSON: “Wub-Nub, alright…” (snickering) “We need to get to the stern port side.”

LAURA: (quietly) “Who is Wub-Nub?”

CAMERON: “Tink, do you have someone else with you?”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah! I’m gonna find you!”

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Noted. Okay.”

LAURA: “What does that mean?”

NICK: “They sound fun. Let’s go cut their throats.” Web-Web is climbing up higher to see around corners more. From where you’re at, you’re in the hallway that recently led off of the ship. You come to a four-way intersection. There’s no signage or anything. Ooh! I should also mention this ship is super humid, it’s gross, because it was built by fish people.

CAMERON: Karma thinks it feels nice.

NICK: I’m sure that Karma does. At the four-way intersection that you’re at, Tink, you can pretty much see across the length of the ship. There are some bulkheads that have all been blown open, and you see straight to the far side of the ship some sort of cargo hold with a bunch of small safety deposit boxes all sunk into the walls and there’s five or six of the GGGs in there just busting stuff open and doing an inventory. To your right there’s another cargo hold that just has big storage crates in it. These look a lot more heavy but more valuable. You’re identifying big ship parts and server blocks and things like that, and some crates that usually hold raw materials, like big metal crates. There’s about five more of the GGGs in there. They’re starting to pick stuff up and carry it, because they’re gonna have to take multiple trips. This stuff is heavy. To your left you see a hallway that’s heading towards the stern of the ship, and you could go that way if you want. You also know that if you head to the far side of the ship, like that first safety deposit box kind of storage area, there’s probably more hallways and things that way that could lead you somewhere, just logically looking at how the ship is laid out. Where do you go?

HUDSON: The last option was far right?

NICK: Right is expensive heavy shit. Straight across the whole ship is small, probably valuable stuff that you have to break stuff open to get into. Those are both being robbed. Left is further into the ship. Those are kind of your options.

HUDSON: Oh okay. I thought there was a fourth. Yeah, left is further into the ship? I’m gonna do that.

NICK: Okay, so you’re gonna go that way… That’s gonna happen. I have this super cool layout, and I have real-time stuff that’s happening, but that means I have to move people when you make decisions, so that’s fun. That’s happening. Karma and Xianna, are you staying put? Are you gonna try to move towards Tink? It’s also possible you could find a map, potentially, if you patched in or something.

LAURA: Xianna’s gonna start walking towards… just further into the ship.

CAMERON: Towards the noises.

NICK & LAURA: Towards the noises.

NICK: Okay. Your hallway is pretty empty. You see on the far end you’re on the hallway that lines the edge of the ship, so you can see out into space, and in the far distance there’s a sealed bulkhead up ahead. It looks pretty heavy duty like it’s locked down. Very quickly you pass a small room with wood panel doors, and the door is cracked, and Xianna you catch that this is like valuables storage area. It’s the ship equivalent of a hotel safe that somebody didn’t shut. It’s got a lot of jewelry and fancy shiny things. So, you pass that.

LAURA: “Ooh! Um… Hold on a second. There might be a… a map, of the ship in here. I’m going to stop. Okay.”

CAMERON: Does Karma notice what type of room this is? (laughs)

NICK: Sure. Yeah.

CAMERON: Okay.

LAURA: Xianna’s already trying to open the door.

NICK: Oh, it just swings open.

CAMERON: Karma wants to grab the door and slam it shut.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Hoping that it locks itself.

LAURA: What would that be to see if Xianna’s already on the other side or not?

NICK: I’d take a Vigilance contest between the two of you of if you get through the door before she can shut it.

LAURA: For Willpower?

CAMERON: Yeah, to see how much we’re paying attention.

NICK: Vigilance? Yeah. That’s the initiative roll.

LAURA: Oh okay.

NICK: I was just saying, like, roll initiative. I guess you could do Cool. Either of those.

LAURA: I was thinking an Agility thing.

NICK: Well, just because it’s like a quick reaction thing, initiative makes sense to me for that. It’s also like just because she shuts the door doesn’t mean you have to give up on this if you’re dead-set on doing that instead of rescuing your friend.

CAMERON: Do you want to do Vigilance or Cool? We’ll just do the same one.

LAURA: I would do Cool.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: Yeah, Cool makes sense because Xianna’s like ‘hey, there’s this thing—‘ and then bolts for the door, and it’s whether she gets a step ahead of you or not.

LAURA: That is a triumph with a success and two more successes.

CAMERON: I just got a success and an advantage.

NICK: Okay. I was hoping for threats and things, but that makes no sense because it was an initiative roll.

CAMERON: Yeah, we didn’t roll any bad dice.

LAURA: Yeah, that’s why I said, like, do an actual check. Heh.

NICK: No, this works really well. So, by the time you see what’s going on Xianna is already standing in the middle of the room starting to peruse through stuff.

LAURA: I’m not perusing. I’m grabbing!

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

LAURA: If it is small enough to fit in the pockets, it’s going in the pockets. Heh.

NICK: Roll me a force die, would ya?

LAURA: One dark side.

NICK: Okay, so…

LAURA: It’ll be fine~ Especially if it’s shiny.

NICK: Oh, it’s extremely shiny. It is extremely shiny.

LAURA: Good. Please give me all of the terrible, terrible shiny things.

NICK: What happens is… You grab a bunch of necklaces and earrings, just the jewelry, it’s in those velvet display boxes just where you can all see. You grab a whole bunch of that stuff. The ship shutters, and the door shuts, and it makes that noise when you shut your hotel room door and it auto-locks. You are now in there. Karma, did you go in with her?

CAMERON: No…

NICK: (laughing) Okay, so you’re still out.

CAMERON: I was trying to swing—I guess I wouldn’t swing the door shut, because that’s not how Star Wars doors work—but I was trying to get the door to shut by the time I noticed she was in there.

LAURA: Trying to reach for the panel.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Mm-hmm. So, it’s shut. It’s actually just a swingy-openy-closey door. The way it shut it feels pretty heavy, so the wood paneling, it’s not just a wood door, but it’s not a swooshy door.

LAURA: Oh.

NICK: While that’s going on, we’re gonna jump back to Tink real quick. Tink, you and Web-Web are running down the hallway. Are you just sprinting down the middle? Are you walking carefully?

HUDSON: Sprinting down the middle.

NICK: Just (thud, thud, thud). I think Web-Web is riding you like a jockey at this point and at one point reaches down to slap your butt. “Yah! Go, go, go!” You come to a hallway, and immediately… Roll me a Cool check, please. Difficulty is gonna be average on this one.

HUDSON: Wash.

NICK: Total wash. You don’t have any Defense, do you?

HUDSON: No.

NICK: Could you roll me two yellows and a green at average difficulty, please?

HUDSON: A failure and two advantages.

NICK: Oh, you are so lucky. Okay. Two advantages isn’t enough to do what I want to do… A hail of stun bolts go flying past you. You’re able to duck behind a nearby bulkhead and grab some cover, but you’re still sticking out. It’s a hallway. There’s not a lot of cover here. You can see two blaster rifles kind of leaning around a corner from one of the what looks like passenger’s quarters, and you catch a view of what looks like a Gand. A Gand is a species in Star Wars that look like really terrifying chitinous bug people and are known to be deadly combatants and often extremely effective bounty hunters. They are shooting at you. So, yup, you’re gonna have to deal with that.

HUDSON: “Wub-Wub! What do we do?”

NICK: (laughs) Web-Web says, “… It’s Web-Web, and you said the whole point of this was for me to have a good shot, right? Get me where I can shoot them.”

HUDSON: I take them with one arm and lean back like I’m about to throw a football pass, and I throw them at the Gand.

(quiet giggling)

NICK: Okay. Make me an Athletics check? You know, it’s weird, the player handbook doesn’t mention what kind of skill you use for chucking other characters.

HUDSON: Well, and I still have that triumph that I can use for more accuracy, right? Can I do like a blue die for that?

NICK: Sure. You can have two blue dice for a triumph. That’s pretty in line with what I’ve used those for in the past.

LAURA: This is not the Lord of the Rings RPG.

NICK: Yeah. (laughs) ‘Gonna have to toss me!’

(chuckling)

HUDSON: Difficulty?

NICK: That’s gonna be hard.

HUDSON: One success and two threats.

NICK: Okay. We get this shot of Tink throwing Web-Web, and Web-Web is extremely graceful and lithe—I’ve used that word before, but it works really well. They’re skinny but also strong and flexible. It’s like in pool when you aim for a different wall to get the ball to bounce, because they’re hidden in this short hallway leading into this room, so you throw them at the far wall. Web-Web flips in the air, lands with their feet, draws their knives, and disappears around the corner, and you just start hearing fist fighting noises and you don’t see anyone for a while. Web-Web comes running back out and you can see blood—Gands have green blood I think, because they’re ammonia based…

LAURA: Sure!

NICK: I think it’s green… I don’t wanna Google “what color is Gand blood.” That’s gonna get me on a watch list.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Do it.

LAURA: I think they do, but I also enjoy that my phone is at a point where if I try to go to Wikipedia it assumes I’m going to Wookipedia and it takes me there instead. Heh. The first one that pops up is starwars.wikia.com/wiki/willrow_hood

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: That’s what I always click because it pops up.

NICK: Biology and Appearance… It doesn’t say! Ack. Way to suck. I’m sure there is a canon answer. We’re gonna say they bleed green. That’s more fun. So, Web-Web’s knives are dripping with green blood. “Okay! Go, go, go! I got one of them!” And they take off down the hallway past. Do you follow them?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okay, then you see one of the Gands is just eviscerated and there’s another one standing over them, and they look up as you go past. You continue running down that hallway. Let’s jump back to karma and Xianna here.

LAURA: Xianna is stuffing things in her pockets as the door closes and just does the turnaround while still grabbing and pushing into a pocket. “Oh no! The door closed! Um… Oopsies!”

CAMERON: “I don’t think I can hack this door to get you out.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Um…”

CAMERON: “It’s not my strength.”

LAURA: “Okay! Hold on a second!” And she grabs one more thing, shoves it in her pocket, and then goes over. Is there a door panel on this side?

NICK: Yeah. It would be Skulduggery to crack a door open. It’s not really Computers, this is just how doors work in Star Wars.

LAURA: How doors work? Yeah. She’s gonna then try to open the door. She doesn’t have any fun things like Tink does.

CAMERON: Skulduggle your way out?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: The door is average, but I think you’ll have a black die because it’s not really supposed to be unlocked from the inside.

LAURA: Ha-ha! Bypass Security!

NICK: Ohh~!

LAURA: Almost like you knew that and did that so that I had something to do.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: … Nope.

CAMERON: (smiling) Look at us, using our talents.

NICK: Definitely didn’t delete a conversation from the episode I was editing today where someone pointed out that they’ve never gotten to remove a black die from a skill check. Nope-nope. That didn’t happen.

LAURA: Yep.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

NICK: ‘You must read the ancient runes~!’

LAURA: That’s a triumph with its success, three more successes, and a threat.

NICK: So, with the threat and some of the other threats that have happened, the claxon alarm for border starts going off in your quadrant of the ship. We get Karma just tapping her foot outside the door, and then suddenly it starts going WOOP, WOOP, WOOP. The door slides open and we see Xianna standing there, looking… I don’t know. How does she look?

LAURA: She’s just smiling. She’s like, “The door is open!”

CAMERON: “Yup. Okay, come out and close it again. Pretend we weren’t here.”

LAURA: “Okie.”

NICK: With your triumph, you see one more thing.

LAURA: One more shiny? Heh.

NICK: Yeah. Tucked around a corner in a dusty case you see something that looks really, really interesting and you grab that real quick on the way out.

LAURA: Yeah. As she’s walking out she grabs it, shoves it in a pocket, and then closes the door behind her.

NICK: Yeah~ I’m just keeping a loot list for Xianna. I figured she was the only one that I would actually need a loot list for, but the ship does have a bunch of stuff on it. There’s a reason the GGGs targeted it. So, you’re back in the hallway.

CAMERON: We close the door.

LAURA: We closed the door!

NICK: You closed the door. Xianna looks wistfully at the fact that the door has locked and sealed again and then is ready to go. Where do you head?

CAMERON: “Continue down the hallway?”

LAURA: “Yes. I did not find a map.”

CAMERON: “Shocking.”

LAURA: “Uh, sorry~! Oops.”

NICK: You continue down the hallway. You come to an intersection. About 40 yards in front of you there is a pretty heavy duty sealed bulkhead, but at the intersection to your right the hallway changes. Before it was very Apple Corporation design, so a little bit of chrome, a lot of white enamel everywhere. This hallway goes to—

CAMERON: Android.

NICK: Yeah, kind of, like gray durasteel military finish, crisscrossed, looks like it may head towards the bridge would be your best bet. Which direction would you like to go?

CAMERON: “Let’s turn.”

LAURA: “Okay. Yes. I would also pick the direction that does not require hacking.”

CAMERON: “yes.”

NICK: Okay. You head down that hallway, and… Coordination checks from both of you, please, at hard difficulty. If you have Stalker you should get some blue dice there.

LAURA: Yes!

NICK: I know that one. That’s what it is. When I made that rune joke, Laura, it’s because when you pick up the dice tray it’s like when someone peers at a cup for reading tea leaves. (laughs)

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Rotate it to look at it.

LAURA: Three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Wow.

CAMERON: Three successes and one advantage.

NICK: Okay. You both poke your heads around the corner and you hear the whine of servos and the charging of lasers. You both look up and see two auto-turrets in the ceiling focus on you, and right before they shot you just step back behind the wall. You are being agile and alert and you have no problems. You both did well enough if you want to like backflip behind the wall or something.

CAMERON: Yeah!

LAURA: Yes. I’m also just realizing that I had done impact right before we got on this ship.

NICK: Ohh.

LAURA: So that would have upped everything. It’s fine.

CAMERON: Because she hasn’t failed yet.

LAURA: Because I haven’t failed! So we’ll just keep moving.

NICK: It was like a bad batch, so it’s just now kicking in.

LAURA: yes.

CAMERON: It kicked in when you were on the gunnery bay, and then you were like wow that wore off fast, but now it’s back!

LAURA: It’s back!

NICK: Yeah. They cut it with something. There was a little bit too much baking soda in there maybe. Blue baking soda, because impact is blue.

LAURA: Is it?

CAMERON: Is it? I thought that was booster blue that’s blue.

LAURA: I thought it was white.

NICK: Oh no. We’ve had this conversation. I always imagined it was blue. I imagined it like crushed up rock candy.

LAURA: Like meth.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: I imagined it like cocaine.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay, fine, it’s not blue. So yeah, you are around the corner of the hallway. It turned 90 degrees. You did get a chance since you were so successful to see a door that is open, a sealed bulkhead, and it clearly is the bridge, and there is something going on back there. You can hear scuffling and stuff, but you have to deal with these two turrets. What do you do?

CAMERON: Is there a computer console anywhere near here?

NICK: You can see one that’s in the hallway within the line of sight.

CAMERON: Hmm. I don’t want that one.

NICK: And you passed some that are further back, but right where you are, no, but there are ways around this. How do you solve the problem of the automatic turrets?

LAURA: Xianna puts her hand in her pocket, and when she pulls it out she’s holding her grenade. “So, I have grenades.”

CAMERON: Are they on the ceiling?

NICK: Yeah. The blast radius will probably take one out. These things explode pretty big.

LAURA: Also, I believe you can set grenades to either have a timer or to explode on impact, so if I aim at it and hit it would explode even if it’s on the ceiling.

NICK: Yup. Just tactically it’s the question of if you want to throw a grenade in this ship or not.

LAURA: “So, I actually have, uh, four grenades. We could both throw one. I don’t know how good you are at the throwing.”

CAMERON: “I’m not sure either, honestly.” (laughs)

NICK: It’s ranged, light.

CAMERON: Oh. Hmm. You know, if we can weigh the grenade down with a few rocks to get that to ranged, heavy I’d be better at it. (laughs)

LAURA: I have ranged, light. Two green, two yellow.

CAMERON: “I don’t know if I really want to go blowing up the ship that we’re trying to help, though.”

LAURA: “Okay, but I don’t want to get shot either. So, I mean…”

CAMERON: We’re at the corner. When we peeked around the corner we could see into the bridge? There’s at least something there?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: We know it’s not the captain, because they done got shot.

LAURA: “I mean, I think a grenade would just solve all these problems.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. If the person who is on the bridge right now is one of the people who is supposed to be on the ship—“

LAURA: “Okay. (shouting) ‘Ello, person on the bridge! Heh. Are you a Mon Cal?!”

NICK: You hear a strangled gurgling noise for a second, and then you hear, “Oh yeah, I’m a Mon Cal. Me and my friends here we still control the bridge. Come on over.”

CAMERON: “You know, we’d love to, but there are turrets.”

NICK: “Well, we have the lockdown procedures activated. You’ll just have to get past those. We wouldn’t want those pirates to make it to the bridge.”

LAURA: Xianna just looks over at Karma…

CAMERON: (whispering) “Xianna, that’s the pirates!” (laughs)

LAURA: …and is moving her arm back, and is doing the whole like ‘I’m gonna throw this,’ and is waiting for the approval. Her arm is way back behind her.

CAMERON: Karma nods and ducks around the corner.

LAURA: And Xianna throws the grenade!

NICK: Are you throwing it into the bridge or at the turrets?

LAURA: This one is gonna be at the turrets. Ah, that’s an Agility, so I get three yellow and a green. What is the difficulty?

NICK: Wow. I’d say you’re at medium range, so two.

LAURA: I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Okay. … Well—Hmm.

LAURA: I already did it!

CAMERON: Too late!

NICK: Okay…

HUDSON: Didn’t matter.

CAMERON: In a good way or bad way, Hudson?

HUDSON: Like, the blue die is what came up nothing.

LAURA: The blue die wasn’t anything, but thanks to drugs, yay, I have a triumph with a success, two more successes, and a threat.

CAMERON: Have you done any rolls that haven’t had a triumph in them today?

LAURA: Nope! (giggles)

CAMERON: Okay. Cool. Just checking.

NICK: Sheesh.

CAMERON: I was pretty sure that’s how it was working.

NICK: The only thing is since you aimed that means you leaned around the corner and took a second, so I think it’s gonna get to shoot at you, but you definitely throw the grenade. With the triumph do you want to take both out with one grenade?

LAURA: Yes. I don’t have advantages, but I had a triumph. The frag grenade is 8 damage, blast is pretty much anything around it also gets the blast plus successes. So yeah, I would use the triumph to take out the other one.

NICK: Yeah. You throw it. You lean around the corner, you heft it, you make sure that your throw is gonna be good, and then the turrets lock on you. You throw, and they shoot at the same moment. Can you make me a—

LAURA: I would like to use my Dodge!

NICK: What a great idea.

LAURA: I have one rank in Dodge, so I’m gonna take 1 Strain to upgrade the difficulty of being attacked by that number.

NICK: Okay. it was gonna be average, so now it’ll be hard, and it’s against three green. Do you have ranged defense? I can never remember.

LAURA: I do. I have one ranged, one melee.

CAMERON: Upgrading the difficulty would take it to a red, right? Not increasing the difficulty?

NICK: Upgrading makes it a red, increasing—

CAMERON: To upgrade the difficulty of the attack.

LAURA: Upgrade the ability is…

NICK: It makes it a yellow.

CAMERON: Yeah, so it’s not hard, it’s a purple and a red.

LAURA: Increase versus upgrade.

NICK: So it’s a purple and a red now.

LAURA: And how many green?

NICK: Three.

LAURA: Three green, and I get a black for my defense…

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: That’s three successes, but also three threats.

NICK: Okay…

CAMERON: The turrets fall prone… (dramatic bass noise) …as they explode, and fall from the ceiling. (laughs)

NICK: (laughing) So yeah, the grenade blows out their hinges and they fall and explode. What we’ll do with those three threats is actually the turret spins around in the force of the explosion and fires randomly into the bridge for a little bit before they finish shorting out. You are going to take… It was three successes?

LAURA: Three successes!

NICK: That’s 8 damage coming your way.

LAURA: Okay! (laughs)

NICK: That’s kind of a lot. You get…

CAMERON: How much do you soak?

LAURA: Oh yeah, I have Soak. I soak 2, so I take 6 damage.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: That’s better than 8!

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: I have some stim packs, for this reason!

NICK: You blew it up, those fall down, they shoot randomly into the bridge, and you take a shot. What does that look like, you getting shot?

LAURA: I think what happens is I hit them with the grenades and one of them hits the floor and bounces and gets a shot off and hits me in the shoulder.

CAMERON: So one of them turns and shoots the bridge, the other one just remains locked on Xianna as it falls.

NICK: (laughs) Yeah. It shoots while in mid-air. We get the slow motion heartbeat noise, but it’s mechanical so it sounds like an EKG machine, and then it shoots you. It hits you in the shoulder, spins you around, but you manage to catch yourself on the wall. You get kind of a scorch mark and a trickle of blood, it’s very dramatic, and the turrets are gone. You hear someone from the bridge call, ‘Hey! Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! What are you doing?”

LAURA: “Oh fuck.”

CAMERON: I wanna sneaky to the door of the bridge.

NICK: Like with Stealth?

CAMERON: Yeah, like not have them see me as I come down the hallway. (laughs)

NICK: Okay. Yeah.

CAMERON: Due to all of the smoke caused by the grenade.

NICK: Mm-hmm. You can have a blue die because of all the smoke from the grenade. It is going to be a hard check.

CAMERON: “Xianna, are you okay?”

LAURA: “Um, well I have a hole in my jacket now, and that is not ideal… but I brought some stim packs!”

CAMERON: “Alright, so you’re good.”

LAURA: “Also, if you need one—“ Xianna would reach in and use a stim pack.

NICK: I feel like Karma’s the one that has the diaper bag of health snacks, but—(laughs)

CAMERON: ‘Do you need any baby wipes?’

LAURA: ‘… No.’

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: ‘I have some crackers.’

LAURA: My pockets go on forever. There’s a lot of stuff in here. (laughs) I also have a surveillance tagger. That would’ve been a thing I could’ve used.

NICK: Did you get that at the black market?

LAURA: No, I bought that at the start, and for some reason have never used it.

NICK: Oh. I feel like there’s been several times where you needed to follow somebody where that would have been…

LAURA: yeah, that would have been…

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: I’m sure it’s just behind something and one day Xianna will pull it out and go, ‘Oh! I have this.’

NICK: You gave Tink such a hard time about his life sign tracker.

HUDSON: yeah.

CAMERON: Uh, his motion-detecting motion detector.

NICK: Yeah. It detects motion detectors.

CAMERON: Yeah. Alright, I actually get three blue dice, because one for the smoke and two more for Stalker. I got a triumph and three advantages, but no successes.

NICK: Huh.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: So… I think you just crouch walk your way up to the doorway and lean into it. I’ll let you pass a Perception check to just kind of see what’s in the room. There are five people in the room. You see a Gigoran that’s a pleasant clover color. You see two Humans wearing heavy body armor and heavy repeating blasters. They have blasters strapped to their backs and they’re typing away on some of the ship’s computers. You see the smoking corpse of the Mon Cal captain that you recognize just kind of sprawled over the captain’s chair. You also see a Zabrak man with an orange complexion, and he’s wearing one of the ship uniforms and is just kind of standing over to the side looking anxious, and he’s got a light blaster on his hip. You failed, so the Gigoran sees you. He looks a lot like Tink, actually.

CAMERON: But green.

NICK: But green, kind of a giveaway. He says, ‘Hey. Thank you for helping take care of that security system. If you wanna come in here real quick we can talk this through about how we’re gonna repel these borders.” You can see he actually has a cruise captain’s hat stuck on his head at a jaunty angle, so he’s still going for that.

CAMERON: I’m gonna whisper into my coms. “Hey Tink, we’re at the bridge.”

HUDSON: “Oh, uh, okay… Um, the bridge, um…”

CAMERON: “The big green guy is here too.”

HUDSON: “Oh. I saw them earlier. Okay. I’m headed that—I’m gonna getcha!”

(laughter)

NICK: Tink, from in front of you Web-Web calls back, “Yeah, just make sure they stay intimidated. I think we should head towards the bridge. I think it’s this way.” They go running around a corner. What did you want to use your triumph on? You also get the feeling that something is probably gonna go down in here, so if you want to use it to give yourself an advantage leading up to it that could be good. Right now no one’s touching their guns. They’re just saying hey, come in here, let’s make a plan.

CAMERON: So you said Ziller’s in there, two Humans, and then the Zabrak looks like he belongs on the ship?

NICK: Yeah. He’s wearing a uniform, but no one’s paying him any attention.

CAMERON: Can the two Humans be by one of the control panels that may have a faulty wire in it, so if it gets shot it might explode?

NICK: Oh yeah. Absolutely. You notice that.

CAMERON: I notice that. It’s sparking a little bit underneath where your legs would go if you sat in it, and I can see it.

NICK: Works for me. That’s the situation. You’re posted up by the door. You’re half in cover, but everyone knows you’re there. Xianna, you’re still back around the corner.

LAURA: I’m behind the corner, but I would like to sneak up. Which side of the door are we on? If I was to sneak up would I be able to be on the other side of the doorway as Karma or would I have to be on the same side as her?

NICK: You could go to the other side. There’s a decent size bulk head and it’s smoky. You could potentially get up to there without being seen, but it would take some sort of check of your skills.

LAURA: Xianna pulls on her scanner goggles so that she can see better in the shadows. I’m assuming that would be a Stealth?

NICK: Absolutely that would be a Stealth. You get a blue die because it’s smoky.

CAMERON: Stalk the hell out of that.

NICK: We’ll leave it hard, but a black die because now everyone’s looking at this door. I should just keep adding dice to this dice pool.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Laura’s hands aren’t that big. She can’t hold any more.

LAURA: Okay, so two successes and seven advantages! Heh.

NICK: What do you even use seven advantages for? Okay, you pass, you’re stuck up to the door, you’re a ghost. No one knows you’re there. You have a clear view of the room. You’ve seen everything that Karma’s seen. You even note that the panel that they’re trying to take control of, the reason it’s kind of exploded looking is that they cracked into the electrics of it to try to get past the security, some sort of hardware block, so they destabilized it themselves. You see that as well. If you wanted to create an explosion of some kind you could. You are up against the door. The Gigoran captain is saying, “Hey. Just come in here. Come on. You’re making me nervous leaning up against that wall here. Let’s talk this out.”

At this point Web-Web comes running in from the other door. Tink, do you follow Web-Web?

HUDSON: I follow them. Yeah. Absolutely.

NICK: Okay. You’re running, and you can actually see that the hallway you were going down leads a majority of the length of the ship, and that there’s another one of those big military bulkheads that just says Detachment on it, which is weird. Yellow paint, looks kind of scrambly. You turn the corner and you find yourself standing on the bridge, and you see Ziller the green Gigoran, two members of the GGG, and a Zabrak man you haven’t seen before, and they’re all focused the other way. Web-Web walks in and says “Alright Ziller, we’re here. We’ve killed a couple of people. There may be someone following us. What’s next?”

“We’ve got some people here trying to help us retake the ship, so as long as this Nautolan comes in we can talk through it.”

CAMERON: While Ziller is turned to acknowledge Web-Web slightly, I get Xianna’s attention by waving at her slightly and point towards the explodey bit for her and then point at me and aim my gun at Ziller, so we will divide and conquer. Then I take aim.

NICK: Okay. When you start aiming at him, because you can see him, he’s like “Whoa, whoa!” He takes the hat and throws it and it lands on the corpse of the captain. “Alright. I guess these are the marines. Someone told me they were stormtroopers.”

CAMERON: I shoot him.

LAURA: “Okie! Heh.”

NICK: You get ready to shoot. “I thought these were stormtroopers.” You can see he’s making a motion, ‘I’ll just take you out,’ and you begin to hear the stomp of booted feet in the hallway behind you. Tink, you’re standing in the room, you see all this happen and you also hear the stomp of booted feet behind you and some more blaster fire. You all take aim to shoot… and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode~

CAMERON: Ba-naaa~!

OTHERS: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 24:

A Particular Set of Skills

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

I’ve got several big freaking announcements this week. First, this is our first episode with our new sound setup! We got a new sound board and some new microphones so we should sound even better! Second, and even cooler, we have merch! Laura went full artist and made some great designs for t-shirts. We have them on teepublic.com. Just search Tabletop Squadron and it’ll come right up. We’ve got a shirt with our logo, a shirt with the crew of the Afternoon Delight, and even a shirt that… well, appreciates the more popular music aspects of the Star Wars universe. You can also get the designs on stickers, tote bags, and lots of other stuff. Check it out. Woo!

Okay, I’m calm again, so let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron Episode 24. Thanks to Cameron for grabbing that right at the end there. It’s been a while since we recorded, so good to be back in the proverbial saddle. Now we’ve got a new sound board and some new microphones. (air horn noises) Woo!

HUDSON: (air horn noises)

NICK: Yes. … Yeah. So, go around the table, everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience why don’t—

HUDSON: Let’s do it all at the same time.

NICK: Everybody talk at the exact same time.

HUDSON: (at once) Hi. I’m Tink. I’m a Gigoran slicer.

CAMERON: (at once) Hi, I’m playing Karma, (giggling) and I’m a bounty hunter, and…

LAURA: (at once) Hi, I’m Laura… Penis, penis, penis.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Owww! Oh god.

(laughter)

CAMERON: But it’s okay, because we’re all on separate tracks now, so you can just separate that out and just play us one after another, and yeah it’ll be great.

HUDSON: I’m pretty sure Laura said some curses.

CAMERON: Pretty sure. She said penis a lot.

LAURA: I didn’t say curses, I said penis. That’s not a curse word. It’s an inappropriate word.

NICK: No, that’s where sin comes from though, so…

HUDSON: Oh.

LAURA: yeah, but it’s still different.

NICK: (laughing) Let’s go around the table starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello!

NICK: Hi.

CAMERON: I’m Cameron. I’m playing Karma Nailo the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I bought the Dedication talent on my Assassin tree.

OTHERS: Woo!

CAMERON: So I upgraded my Presence characteristic to a 3.

NICK: So, Tabletop Squadron, now presenting Karma Nailo!

CAMERON: Karma’s got talky skills.

NICK: Woo. That’s fun. I’m sure it won’t ever be important to be good at talking.

CAMERON: No, not at all.

NICK: Up next we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Yes, I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I also bought my Dedication rank skill thing on my talent tree.

CAMERON: Woo!

LAURA: And I now have a 4 in Agility.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: Yes, and I had a few points left over so I bought a rank in Coordination.

NICK: Oh. That’s handy.

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: That’s like Acrobatics in D&D, right? Pretty much?

LAURA: Kind of, yeah, it’s Agility.

NICK: Cool. Last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hey Nick.

NICK: Hi!

HUDSON: I’m Tink, a Gigoran slicer and quite the rapscallion.

CAMERON: Are you playing Hudson.

HUDSON: Wait, did I say I’m playing Hudson?

CAMERON: (laughing) No, you said ‘I’m Tink.’ You just didn’t say you were Hudson.

HUDSON: Oh! (smiling) I’m Tink. I’m playing Hudson. I’m Hudson, I’m playing Tink.

NICK: He’s in character!

CAMERON: I know. (laughs)

HUDSON: Already.

NICK: You’re doing great.

HUDSON: I bought a second level in Deception and a second level in Skulduggery.

NICK: Ooh. How sneak-tastic.

HUDSON: I forgot what Skulduggery was.

LAURA: Sneaky things.

NICK: Thief shit.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

NICK: Casing the joint, pickpocketing, opening locks, anything like that, like the quantifiable thief skills. If you were a thief and you put things on your resume it would be skulduggery.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: Yeah. Maybe cheating at cards.

HUDSON: Hmm.

NICK: I don’t know. Anyway. Alright! (laughs) Let’s start off before we get into any sort of recap with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: Two light side.

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LAURA: (gasps) Guys!

NICK: Oh shit~ So, when we last left off, you all have been tear-assing your way through Nerftown, just leaving a real impression. You killed most of a gang of nerf hustlers called the Slippery Nerfs. What else did you do?

CAMERON: We got two new speeders that are on the Afternoon Delight now.

NICK: Yeah, you did get two new speeders, that’s a thing that happened. You already went shopping. You’ve turned in the bounties. The last thing that happened was everybody was headed back to the bed and breakfast for the evening and Tink got kidnapped and brought onboard a ship somewhere in space. Yup. That’s the things. Am I forgetting anything?

CAMERON: I think Xianna headed back to the bed and breakfast and karma was tracking Tink.

NICK: Yeah. That’s pretty much where we left off.

CAMERON: Because when they split up it hadn’t yet been determined that he was kidnapped, just that he wandered off somewhere.

NICK: Right. You saw in the distance a ship taking off, you kind of put two and two together, and that’s where we’re gonna open. Ba-naaa, ba-na.

LAURA: Ba-naaa~

CAMERON: Ba-naaa~

NICK: We open on Karma running the evening streets of Nerftown. People stare at her as her head tails stream behind her, but after they see her body armor and weapons they find reasons to look away. Karma hurdles a cart being pulled by a nerf. Nick insert cow noise here.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Karma, where are you going?

CAMERON: To the space port.

NICK: Okay. Trying to get some information?

CAMERON: Yeah, where the ship had taken off from.

NICK: So you had made it most of the way to the space port when you saw that ship take off. Nerftown has a lot of people but not a lot of trade. From what you’ve gathered wandering around town they ship a lot of live nerfs off planet for them to go be butchered, and there’s big cattle ships that come do that, but most of the time the people who are here are just here to live so there’s not a lot of traffic. The ship was probably wherever Tink went.

So, you make your way to the space port, running the whole way, looking very dramatic. There are two cowboy-looking guys carrying a big sheet of plate glass across the street and you manage to slide around it without breaking it. You get there and some of the ships that were there when you landed are still there. A couple of them have left at this point. Zubo is sitting on top of the Afternoon Delight, he’s got a hydrospanner, and as you get close to the ship he pushes up his goggles and waves to you. What do you do?

CAMERON: I jog over. “Hey, do you know who that ship belonged to that just left?”

NICK: He pushes his goggles around on his head. “You’re looking for a ship?”

CAMERON: “Yeah, that one that just left.”

NICK: “Yeah. We don’t get a lot of traffic this time of night. They sure left in a hurry.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. Do you know whose ship it was?”

NICK: He pulls some earplugs – they have little ear flaps – he pulls some earplugs out. “Oh, you’re looking- Yeah. That ship, that’s the GGG actually. That’s their main ship, just took off.”

CAMERON: “Kriff.”

NICK: “Did you need them for something? They’re nice boys.”

CAMERON: “That’s a very different opinion than what I heard earlier, sir.”

NICK: “Oh. What did you hear about those Green Gregarious Gigorans?”

CAMERON: “I thought it was the Gregarious Green Gigorans.”

NICK: “That’s the one.”

CAMERON: “All them Gs.”

NICK: “The whatevers.”

CAMERON: “Those folks, there’s a bounty on them. They’re bank robbers?”

NICK: “Oh yeah. They make most of their money hijacking ships and merchants out in the nearby sectors, but once they land their money pays just as well as everybody else and they’re pretty nice. Why are you looking for them?”

CAMERON: “I think they just took my friend.”

NICK: “Your accent’s getting thicker.”

CAMERON: “I know! Sorry. I have this thing. I pick up other people’s, and yours is quite strong.”

NICK: “Aww… Yup. Nerftown.”

CAMERON: (snickers) “Yup. Um… Anyway.” Karma focuses. “Do you know where that ship might have been headed?” And is trying to drop the accent. (laughs)

NICK: (laughs) “My accent’s gonna get stronger now.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: “That is fine. Do you know where the ship was headed?”

NICK: “Yeah. I think they were mentioning on the way up they were carrying some big old fella with them. It seemed like one of their friends maybe had too much to drink, but they’re uh, I think they’re still camping out the trade lane that’s a couple of parsecs from here. Contrary to popular belief parsecs are a measure of distance not of time.”

CAMERON: “Well when you’re near enough to a black hole it’s just all the same thing.”

NICK: “That sounds like some bullshit and sloppy writing.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “Well, this might sound a bit late to be asking this question, Zubo, but do you have any loaner ships since mine is getting work on it? Or know anywhere that I could acquire one?”

NICK: “You know, you’re spending enough money with us, I guess you could borrow my personal ship, but you’re gonna need to know an exact heading. That trading route is pretty long. Why don’t you go talk to space traffic control down around the corner?” He points with one of his arms and you see a big, tall, it looks kind of like a lighthouse that’s been stretched up and it’s like a black monolith with a little bulb on top that has some windows, but they’re all dark. We get a shot of Karma looking at that, putting her hands on her hips, and then the camera pans away, and we get to Tink.

HUDSON: Waaa~

NICK: Yep, it’s waa indeed. So, Tink, when we last saw you were tied to a chair in front of a group of Gigorans. You’re in a large room on a ship. The room is dark, but it is lit by a lamp on a durasteel table in front of you. The largest Gigoran, one that is a pleasant clover color, rubs at the back of his hand where you can see a Mandalorian crest branded into the skin. “So, you’re interested in work or not? We’ve always had space for another brother.” The other three Gigorans with streaky green fur nod solemnly. You notice they’re not wearing translators. Your brain has been translating from Gigoran this whole time. Around the edge of the room you can see shadowy figures leaning against the walls. It looks like the Green Gregarious Gigorans—Fuck. Why is that the name of this gang? This is difficult.

LAURA: (laughs) I thought you were just gonna say ‘The Green Gregarious Gigorans fuck!’

(laughter)

HUDSON: Yeah they do!

LAURA: I was like, yeah I bet you they fuck~!

NICK: I mean probably. Anyway. It looks like the Green Gregarious Gigorans aren’t just the ones sitting in front of you. Do you have anything to say to the dude?

HUDSON: “Can I get out of this chair?”

NICK: “We’d… probably be able to let you go, but first we just need some confirmation you’d be interested in working with us. You know, we’ve brought other Gigorans onboard before and it doesn’t always go well. You know how we get, right?” He chucks your shoulder.

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

NICK: “Yeah. So, if you’re interested in joining up we got a mission for you that you could get in on, but if not we’ll just bring you back to planet no hard feelings.”

HUDSON: “What’s the pay and benefits like?”

NICK: “Pay is pretty good. We do equal shares for all of us brothers,” and the other three Gigorans high-five, “with some supporting pay for the rest of the crew.” As you look around you can see the other people in this big room, there’s like five or six others, and they’re all wearing dark body suits and look kind of grimy. They’re like standard spacers, but they are not Gigorans, they are other species. “Yeah, we take care of our own. You’ll make good money. It’s rare for this many of us to be gathered in one place. We’re trying to keep the culture alive, you know?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I completely understand.” Internal monologue is basically, ‘I gotta get out of here.’

NICK: (laughs) He definitely wants to hear a certain kind of answer from you and has decided that you agreeing that Gigorans are cool is close enough. Ziller kind of nods to himself, Ziller is the green one, the more green one, and he puts on his translation mask. You see the other three don’t have one at all. he had one sitting up on his head like when you push goggles back. He slides it down over his face, and with the translator on he says, “Web-Web, come here.” You see detaching from the shadows a tall, lanky Gungan that’s bright blue and has red eyes. “This is Web-Web.” You see that they are wearing a tight leather suit with armor sewn into the shoulders and chest. They don’t have any weapons visible, but they radiate an aura of grace and danger. You’ve never seen a blue Gungan before. That’s really weird. They have several intricate charms hanging from their long ears that they wear worn over their shoulders.

The Gungan says, “Why do I have to babysit?”

And Ziller says, “Because you’re the one least likely to die if something goes wrong.”

Web-Web grabs you and quickly unties you from stuff. They seem very competent with knots and things. “Come with me.” They lead you through the ship. It’s pretty spare. You’ve been on military ships before, because you blew up a star destroyer at one point, and this one is very stripped down. There are a lot more exposed wires on the walls, but everything is pretty clean and in good order. They lead you to a bare room with an extra-long bed. “Rest here. I recommend you come up with a way to impress Ziller before he calls on you again. There’s a reason there are only four Gigorans on the crew. Ziller holds them to a very high standard.” Web-Web makes sure that you’re settled in. Do you have any questions for them or anything?

HUDSON: “Oh, you won’t have to worry about me impressing him. I got some skills, Noob-noob.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “It’s Web-Web, but that’s good. I would feel really bad if I had to shove you out of an airlock.” They turn and leave. As the doors slides shut behind them you hear it lock. What do you do?

HUDSON: Are there any panels on the wall?

NICK: Oh, there’s absolutely a panel on the wall.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: There’s the door panel that is locked but is still there. You can have a computer access panel if you flip a light side point.

HUDSON: Ooh. Yeah, I’ll have a computer access panel.

NICK: Okay. There’s a computer access panel in the room above the bed. It looks like just a simple coms setup so that you can talk to other parts of the ship, but it does have access to the rest of the network if you’re trying to do something fancy with it.

HUDSON: Hmm. Alright. I check out the bed.

NICK: It is pretty thin mattress material, not particularly comfortable, but it’s long enough for you to lay on it and not hang off the sides which is pretty cool.

HUDSON: Ooh.

NICK: I don’t think we’ve run into one of those before. Yeah, it’s got a pillow, it’s got a blanket… Were you hoping for something fancy with the bed? (chuckles)

HUDSON: Any weapons around there?

NICK: In the bed?

HUDSON: Like under the bed, by the bed.

NICK: Hell. Roll me a force die, would you?

HUDSON: (laughs) One black side.

NICK: Nope!

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: It’s pretty spare. It’s like they stripped this down for, you know, having prisoners or something.

HUDSON: So I have all these marks from them tying me up in the chair. I’m pretty worn out. I think I lay down for a nap.

NICK: Okay. You lay down, and we see Tink stretch out and note that his feet don’t hang off and look pretty happy about that and snuggle in under the blanket, and we’re gonna cut back to Karma. You came over to the space control port. What are you doing?

CAMERON: On my way there I’m gonna send a ping to Xianna. “Hey, Tink’s gone.” She’s probably already asleep at this point because I had to run across town, but if she’s still up and hanging out…

LAURA: No. She would most certainly be asleep at this point.

CAMERON: Okay. Karma’s not sure.

LAURA: She’s probably asleep on one of the living room couches, too, not even her room. She just walked in, and they were… It’s a bed and breakfast so they probably had like afternoon tea or something, and she had a cup, and then immediately just fell asleep there and no one wants to move her.

NICK: Did you do impact during the Slippery Nerfs heist? I can’t remember.

LAURA: Yes, I did.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Wait, no, I don’t think I did.

NICK: I don’t think you did either. We talked about it, but you were worried about it blowing away in the speeder.

LAURA: yeah… or did I? I don’t know. Xianna doesn’t know either.

HUDSON: I thought you did.

LAURA: Possibly. Xianna doesn’t know. (laughs)

CAMERON: I don’t remember.

HUDSON: Viewers, could you let us know before we release—(laughs)

LAURA: No.

NICK: Yeah, viewers, tweet at us right now.

LAURA: Yes, viewers.

CAMERON: Listeners?!

LAURA: Viewers, as this is a visual medium.

CAMERON: Listeners, let us know, was the last episode drugged? It’s an important question.

NICK: Yup. Like I said at the beginning, it’s been a little while since we’ve recorded. Anyway! One way or the other Xianna is crashed pretty hard.

LAURA: I don’t think it matters.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: So, karma sends her a ping just so that it’s there if she happens to be awake.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then she goes and knocks on the door of the tower?

NICK: Yeah, so the tower itself looks pretty much shut down. There’s a really, really big satellite dish next to the tower pointing straight up at the sky. You can see that there are windows up at the top, but everything in there is dark. It doesn’t look very operational, but there is a small one-room shack tucked up next to the tower and you can see a little trickle of smoke coming up and some light coming from under the door. Presumably there are some people in there.

CAMERON: I go knock on that door.

NICK: Okay. You knock on that door and nobody answers at first? As Karma knocks more insistently you hear whispered through the door, someone like, “Maybe they’ll just go away.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma knocks again.

NICK: You knock again. “They heard you, stupid!”

CAMERON: She starts doing the fun knocks, though, where there is a correct response to this knock for them to knock back, just because they’re not responding so she starts playing with it.

NICK: (laughs) She gets to the point of (knocking in a pattern) and then someone pulls open the door and says, “What do you want?!” instead of doing the response.

CAMERON: “Good evening.”

NICK: “Hi.”

CAMERON: “Hello. I need a read on a ship that just jumped.”

NICK: “Well of course that would be highly illegal.”

CAMERON: “Ship jumping would be illegal?”

NICK: “Sharing that information with a civilian, yeah.”

CAMERON: “Oh, no.” She flashes her bounty ID.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: “The LAW… office sent me.”

NICK: This guy stops to think for a second and you get a chance to kind of get a look at what he looks like. He is shorter, looks like someone who has a desk job that involves taking an elevator to work, coming back down, and going back to sleep, so he’s not in great shape but he’s got a big, bushy, black beard and he’s Human, but he has bright blue eyes. I’ve decided that just now. Seems important.

CAMERON: Dreamy.

NICK: Yeah. Gorgeous eyes. He looks at you and says, “Technically, bounty hunters are still civilians.”

CAMERON: “Correct. I am not a member of the military.”

NICK: “So technically because you don’t work for the government sharing government records of ship locations would be illegal.” He goes to shut the door on you.

CAMERON: I have my foot in the door already.

NICK: Clunk. You have armored boots because of your armor so I think the door cracks a little bit, that worrying noise when you do something around the house and you hear something get compromised, and you’re like oh I hope that didn’t actually break and just was threatening to. It goes crunch, and he pulls the door back.

CAMERON: “Ow.”

NICK: “Yes, I’m sure it was you that was injured in this situation.”

CAMERON: And she leans nonchalantly against the doorframe.

NICK: “Uh… Look. You’re standing in the doorway. At least come in.”

CAMERON: “Why thank you.” She walks in.

NICK: He turns around and heads in and there is someone who is shaped very similar to him but he’s clean shaven and he has blonde, poofy hair. He says, “Why did you let her in? We were- We don’t have enough food for everybody, and now we have guests…”

CAMERON: “Good evening!”

NICK: “Hi… Good to see you. I don’t know who you are but that’s fine. Why are we-? Why is this happening? What is the point of…? What do you want?”

CAMERON: (cheerfully) “Karma Nailo, bounty hunter.” She holds her hand out to shake his hand.

NICK: He reaches for your hand very hesitantly but shakes it.

CAMERON: Karma’s got a good handshake.

NICK: He doesn’t.

CAMERON: Ick.

NICK: His is very limp, and kind of clammy, and soggy… It’s not great. His hands are very soft. It’s like shaking a plastic baggie of pudding.

CAMERON: Ew. (laughs)

HUDSON: Ew.

NICK: “What do you want? We just, we have enough nerf stew for the two of us, and it’s pleasant to meet you, but we’ve been working all day tracking ships.”

CAMERON: “I don’t mean to take up any more time than is necessary, but I do need the expected jump point for the ship that just left orbit. They just witnessed a kidnapping on the streets and I was sent after. It’s the GGGs?”

NICK: The guy with the beard looks kind of nervous at that and turns around, busying himself doing something. It’s not a kitchen, it’s like a cauldron over an open fire in the middle of this shack. The blonde guy looks just kind of oblivious, like that doesn’t mean much to him. “Well, I mean, that knowledge would have been saved in the computer. We only have to download it once or twice a day, but we can’t share because you’re a civilian. I’m sure my friend here told you that, so we’ll be seeing you later. Bye~”

CAMERON: “Unfortunately I will not be leaving this residence until I get those records.”

NICK: Sounds like about time for some sort of roll, doesn’t it?

CAMERON: (smiling) Yup.

NICK: Are you trying to coerce them into getting it or charm them?

CAMERON: I’m not being scary, so I don’t think I’m coercing. I don’t feel like I’m intimidating at all.

NICK: Okay. Go for Charm.

CAMERON: Okay. Go for Charm. What’s the difficulty of this Charm check?

NICK: Average, but it’s got a black die because one of these people is just real hungry and doesn’t want to talk to you.

CAMERON: Two successes and a threat.

NICK: Two successes and a threat… So, bearded guy comes back with a wooden carved bowl of nerf stew you assume and starts to shake his head angrily at the blonde guy, but the blonde guy says “Well, you know, if you’ll leave I can go help you download that information right now.”

The other guy says, ‘Hey, you can’t just be giving away all our information like that. We won’t even have a job if you keep doing this.”

“Oh it’s fine, and then we get to eat and everything’s good. Of course, you would have to pay us for the information,” and he waggles his eyebrows at Karma. That’s the threat. (musically) Bribes, bribes, bribes, na-na-na.

CAMERON: Karma just stares at them, because there’s some other piece of information they need to provide with that being the amount.

NICK: Hmm.

HUDSON: This is your chance to just give them money, though, just like some amount.

NICK: (laughs) Here is 5 Credits.

CAMERON: Here’s 5 Credits. Buy yourself something nice.

NICK: Here is a nickel, a shiny nickel. “I think probably 50 Credits would do it. That’s enough to buy a lot of nerf stew.”

CAMERON: “Okay, lead the way.”

NICK: “Great.”

CAMERON: “Information first.”

NICK: “Uh… I don’t know about that…”

CAMERON: Karma just stares down at them.

NICK: He shrinks. Karma’s taller than these guys by a decent amount and is very imposing. The guy with the beard stays and keeps eating. “Well, it’s your funeral. You’re the one that offered her in. I hope she shoots you.”

“Aw, come on, man.” They go out of the little shack and there is an elevator that goes straight up. The interior of the space control port is… Imagine the inside of air traffic control towers. It’s a lot of light-up buttons and some screens that are all monochrome. He punches into a computer and some magnetic tapes start to rotate because Star Wars, and he gets the information. “Alright, I’ve got the information right here. I’ve got the coordinates. The thing is, based on estimated hyperspace speed…” Is that a thing?

CAMERON: Sure.

NICK: “Based on estimated capabilities of the ship and the direction it went, we can give you a line of where it went. You would have to trace through whatever that intersects with, between I can give you the vector.”

CAMERON: “Fabulous.”

NICK: “That’s a math term, vector. Good for me. Yeah, that’s something I should know in this job, but I’m always impressed with myself. You know?”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

NICK: He grabs like a ten digit long string of numbers and he writes it down on a space sticky note, some flimsy, and he hands it to you. “So… A little tip for my efforts? Making me leave the house.”

CAMERON: I give him the exact 50 Credits that he asked for.

NICK: “Great. Thank you so much.” And you all turn to leave, right? Do you need anything else from this guy?

CAMERON: Um… Can I get what type of ship it was?

NICK: Yes. It was a… I kind of want it to be Dash Rendar’s ship. Was that a YT2400?

LAURA: Yeah, I think it was a 2400.

NICK: That’s a stupid, garbage ship. Let’s go with that. (laughs)

LAURA: A stupid, garbage ship, that you all picked…

CAMERON: Yeah! Hey!

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: …when I ran a campaign.

CAMERON: Be nice to that ship!

NICK: “Well, that’s interesting. That thing moved a lot faster than a YT2400 normally would. They must have upgraded it somehow. Pretty standard ship, no big deal, we see those all the time. You can fit a lot of nerfs in one of those.”

CAMERON: “I bet. Yeah.” Karma was more looking to see if that was their ‘hey let’s run down to the planet real quick’ ship.

NICK: No, this was the main ship.

CAMERON: Oh, this was the main ship?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Okay. That’s what she was trying to gauge, whether it was a small shuttle that would head back up or if it was the big one.

NICK: No. Based on what you know of the kind of jobs they run, that’s a little small for what you would expect but it’s definitely not their ‘extra ride’ ship, so that means it’s probably their main ship. They may have some fighters or something like that, you would know from your understanding of these operations, but the main thing is gonna be that sucker. They brought the big boy to come get him.

CAMERON: Aw. Tink’s so special.

HUDSON: Oh, I can’t say anything, I’m not in the scene.

CAMERON: No, you’re not there.

(laughter)

CAMERON: I mean, Hudson could say something, but…

HUDSON: I am special.

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: You are special.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: So yeah, I guess Karma’s gonna send a ping to Tink. “Let us know where you at?” Something that if someone else looked at the data pad wouldn’t indicate ‘we’re coming to get you’ but more just like ‘hey where you at bro’ type of message, where he could provide information that would be useful back.

NICK: Since this is Star Wars, that message will show up…

CAMERON: Eventually!

NICK: When I want it to!

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: Yay, because hyperspace.

CAMERON: Yup. She’s gonna head back to the bed and breakfast and probably see Xianna on the couch and help get her upstairs to her room.

NICK: (laughs) We get a cute scene of Xianna being dragged up the stairs by karma.

LAURA: No, I imagine Karma opens the door and it’s the scene where Xianna rolls off the couch, hits the floor, and goes, “Whoa. No! Oh? Oh… Okay. Hello~ Heh.”

CAMERON: “Hi. Tink’s missing. He’s been kidnapped by the Green Gorgorgarious Gergergerans, and we’re gonna go to sleep.”

LAURA: “Well, if we know where he is, is he actually missing? Is he just kidnapped?”

CAMERON: “I have a general idea of where he’s at, but Tink went missing. Turns out he was kidnapped. I have located said vector of what ship is on… going… yes?”

LAURA: “Sure! Okay.”

CAMERON: “I’m tired. I’m not speaking well anymore. I’m gonna go to bed.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay.” (laughs)

CAMERON: “We’ll go get him in the morning. Zubo says I can have a ship.”

LAURA: “Cool.”

CAMERON: “I’m sure he’s fine. He’s a smart boy. He can handle himself.”

LAURA: “Probably. Hopefully he is not dead. That would be a little sad.”

CAMERON: “If he is dead already there’s nothing we can do, so I’m going to bed.” (laughs)

LAURA: How long was I sleeping for? How long was this?

NICK: Probably two hours. It’s early evening, early night time. You spent most of the day turning in a whole bunch of dead Selkath for money. So, you all go to sleep?

CAMERON: Yup.

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Okay. (laughs) We get a shot… It’s like the shot from the time last night where we see the silhouettes against window shades, but the room that Tink was in, the window is open and dark and there’s just a curtain flapping in the breeze from where he was sleeping. The screen fades to black and we come back to Tink. Tink, how long do you think you slept for?

HUDSON: I think I slept for about an hour and a half.

NICK: So you took an actual nap. You didn’t just sleep through the whole night by accident.

HUDSON: No.

NICK: Okay. You wake up, and before you move you can hear—you’re pretty used to the sounds of a ship operating at this point—and you can hear that it’s gotten pretty quiet, like most of the people have bedded down. What do you wanna do?

HUDSON: I wanna check out the computer panel by my bed.

NICK: You tap some buttons on it. It looks like a standard com system, but like I said before it does touch the network in a couple of places. You could com somebody. Anything else you do you’re gonna have to do some slicing.

HUDSON: Hmm. I crack my knuckles and get to work slicing.

NICK: Go ahead and roll me a Computers check. You still don’t have your axe, they took your pistol, but they left you your outlaw data breaker. If you want to use that to help hack you can get those two blue dice for your fancy new piece of equipment, but it is going to be a hard check. This is a system you are unfamiliar with.

HUDSON: Alright. I have two advantages.

NICK: (laughs) You start to slice into it and I think a little com window pops up in the corner. You open up the bios settings on this, you’re gonna start going ‘delete password requirement’ or whatever, and a little screen pops up over that. It’s got a blue Gungan on like a Skype screen. “I see you’re trying to hack the computer. Would you like some help with that?” It’s Web-Web just fucking with you is what’s going on.

HUDSON: “Oh… I thought this was the TV.” (laughter) “Is this the… What?”

NICK: “Um… So, you’re a pretty decent slicer it looks like, but you’re not much of a liar, even if you did just put more points in Deception, so would you like to try again?”

(laughter)

HUDSON: Yes. I actually would like to roll for Deception.

NICK: Okay. It’s gonna be average difficulty.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success and two threats.

NICK: You say ‘I thought this was the TV’ and Web-Web goes, “Yeah, you’re not much of a liar…” but they look kind of unsure. Their default is to assume people are lying to them. ‘Is he actually this dumb? It’s hard to tell. Did he get into the bios with an outlaw data breaker trying to turn on a TV? Are we at like Mr. Magoo levels of shenanigans here? Maybe?’

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: He was trying to get those late night channels.

(chuckling)

NICK: ‘I just wanted to unscramble it.’

LAURA: ‘I just wanted to see Wookie on Wookie.’

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: ‘They always pixel out the dianoga’s tentacles, and I wanted to…’ Anyway. Web-Web says, “So you didn’t sleep very long. As long as we’re talking, are you doing okay? Can I get you anything?”

HUDSON: “Were you watching me sleep?”

NICK: “Well, I mean, I assumed, you went in the room that you went to sleep and now you’re trying to watch TV, so…”

HUDSON: “I mean, I could have just been meditating, I could have been just sitting around.”

NICK: “Were you meditating?”

HUDSON: “… No.”

NICK: “Okay. I don’t understand why we’re talking about this.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: “Hang on.” The screen blacks out. The com system is disabled at this point. They come in and you can see they’re wearing a long nightgown type thing that looks really weird. It’s kind of high-water so you get five inches of shin and those weird Gungan feet that are very—

LAURA: Ugh. Weird Gungan feet.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: I look at them and go “Eghh…” aloud.

CAMERON: Aww.

NICK: “Hey! What are you doing? What do you need? Let me just help you, because if you do anything stupid it’s gonna come back on me, and I’ve actually enjoyed being a member of this group.”

HUDSON: “I’m just trying to see… Alright. I’ll just come clean with you. I’m trying to get out of here.”

NICK: “Whaaat?”

HUDSON: “Listen. I’m putting my trust in you. Can I do that?”

NICK: “I’m gonna be honest, that’s not smart, but you’ve done it now so we might as well go for it. You’re trying to get out of here?”

HUDSON: “I mean, I’d like to see my friends again.”

NICK: “Oh. Well, did you ever think about just making new friends? This is a pretty cool place. We’re gonna rob a thing. I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you what it is yet, but we are planning on robbing a thing. You seem helpful even if you’re not the best slicer. You messed that one up pretty good. There’s a lot of potential here. I think you should really consider. All you gotta do is dye your fur green and we’re good to go.”

HUDSON: “That’s actually all you have to do to get into this gang?”

NICK: “If you’re a Gigoran.”

HUDSON: “Oh. What if you’re not? What did you have to do?”

NICK: “I killed some folks, like four or five people actually.”

HUDSON: Whoa…”

NICK: “It’s fine. I do that on a pretty regular basis.”

HUDSON: “I see. Alright, you’re starting to tempt me the other way now… I guess I don’t have much of a choice here… Oh, you know what, I’ll join. Sure.”

NICK: “Great. Glad to have you on board, like you said you were earlier, to our boss. I’m glad you’ve made a decision.”

HUDSON: “You’re very persuasive.”

NICK: “You know, I think so too.” They put their hand on their chest and actually look pretty proud of themself. “Well, good night!” They turn and leave and shut the door and it locks, and you are all alone again.

HUDSON: I breathe a sigh of relief, and I still really wanna see my friends.

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: Aww.

NICK: Are you gonna go to sleep? Are you gonna try to break out? What are you gonna do now?

HUDSON: I’m gonna try to go to sleep. That was enough trying to break out for one night.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (laughs) Okay. Tink flumps onto the bed. It creaks under his weight a little bit, and then the camera pans over the now disabled com system. As the screen goes black it pans back to the sun rising over nerf town. Insert the William Tell overture. The sun is rising and you hear (mooing) from all the nerfs scattered around the city.

CAMERON: (loudly) Moo!

NICK: Yup. That’s that one nerf. It’s kind of weird.

CAMERON: Yeah. (laughs)

NICK: You are awake at the bed and breakfast. What are Karma and Xianna gonna do at this point?

LAURA: “Do we have time for breakfast, or…?”

CAMERON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Oh! Okay. Good!”

NICK: (laughs) I think Xianna says that walking downstairs and karma’s already there eating, probably scones again.

CAMERON: Scones again, yup, drinking caf.

NICK: The proprietor of the bed and breakfast, the elderly Mon Cal woman, says, “Well, here’s caf for everybody. I know how much you like caf.” And she’s pouring just big old steaming carafes.

CAMERON: “Thank you!

LAURA: “Thank you.” Xianna has her own carafe. She doesn’t bother with the cup. She’s just drinking straight out of it. (laughs)

NICK: Drinking out of a carafe! That’s the tagline for the podcast now: Tabletop Squadron, drink it straight out of the carafe!

HUDSON: (snickers)

CAMERON: Great.

LAURA: Whether or not it’s all coffee, that’s up to you.

NICK: (laughs) “So, how was your evening? I saw that one of your friends stayed out. Did he get lucky?”

LAURA: ‘No, he’s kidnapped.”

NICK: “Oh. I thought now that he knew what a slippery nerf was he went out to try it. Man, reminds me of the good old days.”

CAMERON: Karma looks incredibly uncomfortable, (laughs) and slightly confused.

LAURA: “I mean, it is definitely something you want to try once you find out what it is, but I don’t think he went to do that.”

NICK: “Well, and I was wondering where he was gonna get the porg masks on such short notice.”

LAURA: “Ugh. I mean, specialty shops always carry those.”

NICK: (smiling) At this point I’m just trying to see how uncomfortable I can make Cameron look, trying to hint at this. (laughs)

LAURA: “It’s always right next to the jogan fruit flavored lube and on the other side of the dildos.”

NICK: “Well yeah, the nicer shops just have one of those end cap displays with everything you need, but it does take up like half the shop.”

CAMERON: Karma’s just like drinking her coffee, has refilled her coffee, is drinking more of her coffee. Her caf. (laughs)

LAURA: “Some places now have these fun little starter kits in a box.”

NICK: “But the quality is just not there.”

LAURA: “No, it’s very… Everything breaks after the first time.”

NICK: “The velcro doesn’t stay stuck. It just, it’s a mess. It’s good to see if it’s your thing, but…”

LAURA: “The zip ties do not bind nearly as tightly as they really need to.”

NICK: “Well, that’s how you make a mess, so.”

LAURA: “And the nipple clamps just always fall off.” (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma’s like making eye contact with the other people in this breakfast area listening to this conversation. ‘What is happening? Someone come rescue me from this table.’ (laughs)

NICK: So, the only other person in the breakfast nook is, picture a 1950s milkman with the uniform holding a thing of glass milk jars, and he just kind of shrugs and smiles at you and backs out of the room. (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma refills her cup. “So, Zubo said that we could borrow his ship. I don’t know what kind of ship it is, but is’ probably in working order and ours is not right now, so… I have the vector to search along.”

LAURA: “Okie. That sounds like a lot of, uh, you work. I can help fly?”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

LAURA: “And then once we get there, then I can do things…”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

LAURA: “…but I don’t really do the…”

CAMERON: “The findings of the peoples?”

LAURA: “Astrogation.”

CAMERON: “Oh.”

LAURA: “I can do some, but mostly once they are inside a city. I don’t do super well with tracking across the vacuum of space.”

CAMERON: Karma realizes that she’s gotten very used to having Tink onboard to do all the Astrogation checks.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Hmm.

HUDSON: Does that mean you miss me?

CAMERON: Yeah. Karma’s coming after you! (laughs)

NICK: Karma’s just having a conversation with the idea of Tink in her head.

CAMERON: (laughing) yeah.

LAURA: “Do you think the droid would be able to help with the Astrogation? A lot of them can do that.”

CAMERON: “I don’t know if we can fix it, though.”

LAURA: “I mean, how broken was it?”

CAMERON: “The CPU was gone. It’s brain was gone.”

LAURA: “Do you think Tink just has those in his room?”

CAMERON: “I don’t think it’s in his room. He may have it on him, but what he suggested plugging into it was the Rancore Protocol.”

NICK: Just looking at character sheets and cackling, don’t mind me.

CAMERON: “I get the feeling the droid is not gonna be any better at Astrogation than I am.”

NICK: No, you don’t know that! Dramatic irony!

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: The droid’s great at it!

CAMERON: “Yup. They’re in a YT2400. I don’t know how many of them are onboard. I know my contact earlier had said there were four Gigorans—or no, Tink said that, because they’re a barber shop quartet. I remember this. Then, they had other crew members so I don’t know how many people it is. I don’t know what size ship we’re borrowing so I don’t know if we can dock with the YT2400.”

LAURA: “Um… I have no idea, and I am a little confused why you are even asking me.”

CAMERON: “I’m not really, I’m just talking out loud at this point, trying to drown out all of the Slippery Nerf thoughts happening in my head.”

LAURA: “If you need to buy drugs, or pickpocket, or cheat at a Sabacc game, or sneak through some air ducts… then I am your Twi’lek.”

CAMERON: “I can see one of those possibly coming up in this mission.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Those are all things I have done in the last month.”

CAMERON: “Cool.”

LAURA: “They are relevant.”

CAMERON: “Alright. Well, I guess when we finish breakfast we can head out.”

LAURA: “And again, I can help you fly, I just don’t… I’m not good at math.”

CAMERON: “Noted.”

LAURA: “I can do some basic addition and subtraction, mostly for money, and drugs…”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm. Yup.”

LAURA: “How much to buy, how much per unit, but calculating where a ship flies… don’t know that.”

CAMERON: “Also, I messaged Tink, so hopefully he gets back to us at some point and we can coordinate something?”

NICK: Dramatic swipe to… You see the room that Tink was in when he met the Green Gregarious Gigorans—gosh, I want this arc to be over—and there’s a holo-display of a Mon Cal cruiser, and Ziller is pointing at different things. You see a data pad in his backpack light up and it says, ‘Hey, where you at?’ on it. He doesn’t pay any attention to it, and then we cut back to Karma and Xianna.

CAMERON: “Well, finish your breakfast.”

LAURA: “Xianna just brings the carafe of coffee with her.”

NICK: (snickers) Just walks out the front door with it?

LAURA: Just walks out with it. Yeah. Well, she makes sure it’s full and then just keeps it.

NICK: There’s a cross-stitched thing by the front door that says, ‘Before you leave put your laundry in the dishwasher—‘ Oh no…

(laughter)

LAURA: No, put your laundry—

CAMERON: No, someone fucked up this needle point and it says ‘Put your laundry in the dishwasher.’

LAURA: It’s probably like, ‘Put your laundry in the chute. Please don’t take any of the towels.’

NICK: Now they’re gonna have to cross-stitch a little side one that says, ‘or any of the carafes for coffee.’

CAMERON: (laughs) Yeah.

LAURA: No, no, because Xianna just takes that cross-stitch.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: She’s taking the carafe, and she’s reading, and she’s like, “Oh, I did not put any of my laundry in the laundry chute. Oh, I did take a towel…” She just reaches out, grabs it, and keeps going.

CAMERON: Karma’s in front so she doesn’t see this happen.

LAURA: I now have (laughing) a cross-stitch?

NICK: A cross-stitch of Air B&B rules.

LAURA: I’m gonna keep that. I’m just gonna put it in my room on the ship.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Oh, I also have a carafe. That’s also going in my room on the ship.

NICK: Awesome. If you want we can cut to you on Zubo’s loaner ship.

CAMERON: What is this loaner ship?

NICK: His loaner ship is basically a space minivan. It is a blocky square, kinda looks like a shrunk down version of, you know the angular boxes sticking out everywhere that it shows on the death star, that kind of pattern? Like that. It looks about twice the size of a minivan. It could seat six. It’s definitely a planet hopper, nothing that fancy, and it has one little bubble turret on top with two twin lasers sticking out of it and that’s it.

LAURA: “(groans)”

CAMERON: Does it have comfortable seats?

NICK: Oh yeah, they’re leather.

CAMERON: “Nice.”

NICK: But they’re a little short because they’re designed for him, and he’s not very tall, so it does the lumbar support but it doesn’t go all the way up.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh no…”

CAMERON: “The lumbar support is in the wrong place.”

NICK: Zubo is standing behind you, and he’s polishing some part that looks like it may have come off your ship. “Well, that’s her. You can borrow her if you need to.”

CAMERON: “Thanks.”

NICK: “Just make sure you bring it back with the same amount of fuel it had when you left or we’ll have to charge you our refueling fee. It’s a lot more.”

CAMERON: “Yeah… Okay!”

NICK: Are you going to take this ship and go?

LAURA: “Okie! Heh.”

NICK: “If you wait three or four hours we might have your ship done. You could take that one instead. Maybe less liability.”

CAMERON: How big is the YT2400 in comparison to the Afternoon Delight?

NICK: It is one silhouette smaller than yours, but it will now count mechanically the same because of the new sheeting that you put on it.

CAMERON: Heh-heh.

NICK: It’s like three quarters the size of your ship, probably. It’s pretty big.

LAURA: “Maybe you know this question. Is there a way for our ship, the one that is being fixed, to dock with a YT2400?”

NICK: “All the YT have like a universal port on them, and yours has a—Gosh. I don’t like that hand gesture you’re making right now.”

LAURA: (giggles) Well, I’ll make it canon. Xianna is just making a circle with one hand and more of a longer shape with her other hand and putting them together, and then back out, and back in. “This is just, uh, docking. Well, I mean, a certain kind of ship docking, not the other one… Okay. Yes. Could we do that with our ships?”

NICK: “Yeah, it would work. YT’s have a universal port and your ship has one of those extendy stretchy things. You know, mechanical term, extendy stretchy thing.”

LAURA: “Okay. I’m sure we do somewhere.”

NICK: “Yeah. You can activate it from the cockpit. It mostly just will guide into place on one of those anyway. It’s used for emergency rescue situations.”

LAURA: “Cool. Cool. So I’m good waiting three to four hours, I don’t know about you.”

CAMERON: “I’m good waiting.”

NICK: “You don’t wanna take…”

CAMERON: “Honestly, it’s just that I’m worried about your ship, and if anything is gonna happen to a ship I’d prefer it be mine than yours.”

NICK: “Yeah, that makes sense. You wouldn’t want to blow up that ship out there. For one, if you don’t have any space suits you’ll just die in the vacuum of space.”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

LAURA: “Yes. Okay.”

NICK: “Generally you want to avoid that.”

CAMERON: “Yeah?”

LAURA: “So we’re going to come back in three to four hours. Cool.”

CAMERON: “Cool.”

LAURA: “Do you want to go to a bar?”

CAMERON: “Sure.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Let’s go!”

NICK: We swipe back to Tink. Tink, you are back in the main briefing room on the GGG ship. This is probably ten minutes after the scene where your data pad lights up in Ziller’s pocket, so you haven’t seen that yet. There is a hologram of a Mon Cal cruiser with a lot of Xs and lines all over it. You might recognize this kind of ship. It’s the ones in the movies, they basically only show up when there is a death star situation, so in Return of the Jedi there are a bunch of them. They’re the kind of bulbous cucumber shaped ones. That’s what these are. Web-Web has led you into this place and says, “Well boss, he made it through the night,” and smiles kind of smugly, which looks really weird on a Gungan face because Gungan faces are so big.

Ziller says, “Well that’s good. I’m glad, brother, that you’re still here and didn’t try to do anything stupid like trying to escape. I think that demonstrates your commitment to our cause. So, this is the job we were talking about. We’ve got a merchant ship, one of the big ones, one of these Mon Cal cruisers here. We’re gonna steal everything in it.”

HUDSON: “Sounds like a grand old time.”

NICK: “Great. Before we do that, of course, we’re gonna need you to demonstrate what your skills are. Of course, if anything were to go wrong we would just bring you back and set you on planet. It’s not like we would kick you out of an airlock or anything. I don’t want you to be nervous.”

HUDSON: (seethes) “Not at all. Yeah, certainly, I can definitely demonstrate my skills. I’m actually a pretty skilled slicer.”

NICK: “Oh… Yeah. I noticed that you didn’t have the traditional vibro-axe of our people, so that’s good that you have skills.” That’s a thing we made up.

CAMERON: (smiling) Yup.

NICK: “Even though you’ve forsaken our culture in such a way, it’s good that we have you able to contribute in some way. So, if you’re so great why don’t you just slice into the ship and tell us when the Mon Cal cruiser gets close? To be more specific, I mean slice our ship, because this is a test. You should be able to tell us the heading of the ship that we’re tracking right now.”

HUDSON: “Hmm. You’re on.”

NICK: (laughs) Okay. Roll me a slicing check. You look around and there’s just a nice computer panel right there. I am totally not just redoing the scene from Swordfish but without the blowjob, because that part is weird and I don’t want that in this.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Hard again.

LAURA: I mean, we did already say the words nipple clamps.

NICK: I am going to upgrade, so one of those purple is a red now.

CAMERON: Excuse you, sir.

NICK: Oh. I flipped the wrong thing.

CAMERON: You flipped our light side point. That’s not allowed! (smiling)

NICK: Sorry.

LAURA: I do now have a section of my notebook that is…

NICK: Everything required for a slippery nerf?

LAURA: …dedicated to everything for a slippery nerf. It’s got a porg mask, zip ties, nipple clamps, and more than two people. I don’t know if we ever said exactly how many people, just more than two. Heh.

NICK: And velcro.

LAURA: Oh yes, velcro.

HUDSON: I have a triumph that includes a success, another success, and four advantages.

NICK: Alright. You succeed. You are completely into the ship. You can see all sorts of stuff. You’re gonna be able to tell him where the ship is. He knows where it is, it’s just like a flash card thing so that you can be like ‘I know where it is,’ yada-yada.

HUDSON: “It’s in, uh, Delta 12, Sector 14.7.”

NICK: Yeah, 14.7, which you’re also aware of is extremely close to the ship, like it’s go time pretty much. You also have a triumph and a whole bunch of advantages. What would you like those to be used for? Anything?

HUDSON: I’m allergic to the green paint they’re about to paint me in.

CAMERON: Oh no!

NICK: (laughing) Why is that an advantage?

HUDSON: (laughs) I don’t want to be green!

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: I’m gonna ask, “What type of paint do you use?”

NICK: “Well, you know, just standard Imperial green. It’s sort of symbolic of coopting the Imperial war machine for our own needs.”

HUDSON: “I’m allergic to most paints.”

NICK: “Oh, well that’s unfortunate.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

NICK: “How are we gonna mark you as green then?”

HUDSON: “Do you have a green, uh…”

LAURA: Like a natural dye. (laughs)

HUDSON: (laughs) Do you have an almond dye? No.

(laughter)

LAURA: What is green…?

HUDSON: “Do you have a green suit I could wear?”

NICK: You’re talking to Ziller, and he’s the one talking about coopting the whatever, and behind you is Web-Web with a giant bucket of just green liquid. Web-Web goes, “Aww…” and turns around and walks away without the bucket.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Ziller thinks for a second and then pulls something out of his utility belt and hands you just a really long, green, four-inch thick ribbon. “Here, you can tie this over your head or something. We’ll find you something to turn you green at a later date. I’ve always thought that part was a little silly, but the boys go crazy for it.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

NICK: At that point the other three Gigorans come in and their stripes are much brighter than they were yesterday and they’re all high-fiving and just being real happy, and speaking in Gigoran which I think just sounds like… bus breaks.

(laughter)

LAURA: I don’t think we’ve ever heard one.

NICK: Nope, so they sound like bus breaks. That’s what Gigoran sounds like.

LAURA: Because Moroff, the one that was supposed to be in Rogue One…

NICK: Oh, the actual Gigoran?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Wait. Was he not in Rogue One?

LAURA: Well, most of his stuff got cut out of Rogue One.

NICK: Oh. That’s why he’s only in the background for like 30 seconds or whatever.

LAURA: Yeah, and then you can kind of see them in Solo amongst some Wookies. You can see like one, kind of, unless that’s an albino Wookie. Maybe there are albino Wookies? I don’t know why not.

NICK: I mean, that would make sense why in our podcast everyone thinks that Tink is an albino Wookie if albino Wookies are a thing.

LAURA: Yeah. Moroff. He’s got the flamethrower.

NICK: (laughs) Is there anything else that you wanted?

HUDSON: Can I save the advantage?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Okay. I’d like to save the other advantage.

NICK: Okay. We can either apply that retroactively a little later or we can kick that in. At that point you feel the ship jolt and Ziller stands up and grabs a vibro-axe off the wall. A bunch of the other gang members come streaming in and a door opens on the far side. “Well, it’s time to get  moving. It’s actually really lucky that you have that skillset, because our other slicer took a blaster bolt to the face on the last incursion. Let’s go! We need you to get these doors open.” Everyone goes streaming out.

It’s just you and Web-Web in the room, and Web-Web says, “Well, we need to be upfront, so let’s get moving. It’s me and you.”

HUDSON: “Where’s my vibro-axe?!”

NICK: “It’s still on the planet. Remember? You got it upgraded.”

LAURA: It’s not there.

HUDSON: Oh! I hadn’t picked it up yet.

CAMERON: You don’t actually have it. (laughs)

LAURA: Web-Web would not know about that.

NICK: I don’t know why I did the Web-Web voice explaining it.

(laughter)

HUDSON: Okay. I didn’t say that, I didn’t ask that. “Oh—Okay!” And I run.

(laughter)

NICK: We see Web-Web chasing after Tink as they run down the tunnel after everybody. We’re going to cut over to Xianna and karma sitting in a saloon drinking I guess, or just hanging out. What are you up to?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Not drinking.

NICK: Describe this saloon a little bit.

CAMERON: It’s gotta be super western.

LAURA: It’s either super western, because if we went to one of the main fairway ones, or Xianna knocked on doors, went down weird staircases, and we’re in one that’s just like a rave, but because it’s 10 in the morning no one else is there, so there’s a DJ just playing away and flashing lights and strobes and probably a smoke machine, and just no one but us.

NICK: DJ the Hutt.

LAURA: DJ the Hutt… Ugh.

NICK: It’s a Devaronian, but he’s got a big fiberglass Hutt head on. You know that’s his name because all of his mixes have ‘(unce, unce, unce) DJ THE HUTT!’

LAURA: Of course they do.

CAMERON: It’s not a good DJ, because it’s in the  morning. No one is here. (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) It’s a Tuesday morning timeslot.

CAMERON: Yeah. It’s not good.

NICK: Xianna managed to find a place that’s the 24 hour rave, so it’s this guy, a bouncer who is just reading a book, and then a droid for a bartender that half of it is under maintenance routines right now so it only has one arm that’s moving to pour drinks. It’s you two huddled close at this bar with ‘DJ THE HUTT!’

LAURA: “I heard the drinks were very cheap. Heh.”

CAMERON: “The music’s not… good.”

LAURA: “It is bad. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: We’re yelling over it. (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma has grabbed a couple of glow sticks and has worked them into her tentacles, just to be festive.

NICK: To blend in with the nobody that’s there?

CAMERON: No… They’re just fun. Okay?

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: She’s rainbow now. It’s fine.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna ordered them drinks and she got two Bantha Blasters, which is a real drink in Star Wars from one of the books or something. It’s green and pink and it fizzes and pops.

NICK & CAMERON: Nice.

LAURA: It fizzes all over the place. Xianna grabs them and gives one to Karma. “Okay. I got us drinks.”

CAMERON: “Thank you.” Karma is actually drinking today.

NICK: Oh-ho.

CAMERON: She hasn’t been so far.

NICK: Cool. What does the drink taste like?

LAURA: I don’t know. I don’t remember. I just know that it’s pink and green and it fizzes and pops.

CAMERON: It tastes like pink and green if they were to fizz and pop.

NICK: Oh!

LAURA: Yes. It tastes pink and it tastes green.

CAMERON: (laughs) it tastes like watermelon. Pink and green.

NICK: Yeah, so you’re having a drink.

LAURA: Xianna’s going through her pockets. “Oh. This would have been a good time for the glitterstim. Oh wait, no, I think I traded that for something? I don’t know.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, I don’t think anytime is a good time for the glitterstim.”

LAURA: “No, the lights! It is very fun. Heh.”

CAMERON: “You can enjoy the lights without the glitterstim, and it is still fun.” Karma lifts her head tails and it does a rainbow thing because she has them all in her head.

LAURA: “Okay, but… It makes them more fun and you are slightly telekinetic for a little bit.”

CAMERON: “And it melts your brain.”

LAURA: “Yes, but only if you do a lot over time, yeah, which I don’t. I don’t really do glitterstim very often.”

CAMERON: “That’s good. That’s a good one to not do.”

LAURA: “You don’t want to mess with that stuff for too long.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, no…”

LAURA: “So, um… About you.”

CAMERON: “Don’t do the glitterstim.”

LAURA: “I don’t even have any anymore, just all the impact! Heh.”

CAMERON: “No, I’m just saying, that’s about me. I don’t do the glitterstim, or the impact actually, or the booster blue, or…”

LAURA: “Oh, you don’t do booster blue. That is for weirdos. It is paint.”

CAMERON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “Why would you just sniff paint? That is stupid. Heh.”

CAMERON: ‘I’ve seen some people think it’s fun, because it kind of turns your lower half of your face blue because you’re just spraying spray-paint on your face.”

LAURA: “No…”

CAMERON: “But no, I don’t get it.”

LAURA: “Yeah, so, um…” It’s one of those very awkward things because Karma and Xianna don’t talk a lot to each other without Tink.

CAMERON: (laughing) Yup. We need a buffer.

LAURA: So it’s a lot of those awkward silences where it’s just like staring and awkwardly sipping on a straw, just doing the whole like, “Um, okay… (slurps straw) Uh, yeah… So, you do anything fun lately?” Heh.

CAMERON: (laughs) “Well, um… No. Our recent track record hasn’t been super fun. Before that I was just running jobs.”

LAURA: “Do you have any hobbies, or things you do for fun?”

CAMERON: “… I knit.”

LAURA: “Okay. Um.”

CAMERON: “And I used to do a food blog, but I stopped that.”

LAURA: “Okay. You are a mom, right?”

CAMERON: “Correct. Yes.”

LAURA: “yes, uh… Makes sense. Makes sense.” (laughter) “The food blog, the knitting… Yes.”

CAMERON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay, um…”

CAMERON: “How about you? Any hobbies, besides the impact?”

LAURA: “Um, well I also like drinking…”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I’ve noticed that one too.”

LAURA: “…and going to parties, and when I was little I liked to make jewelry. Sometimes I would work at my mom’s mechanic shop. Didn’t really pick up a whole lot of that, mostly because she was only sometimes doing mechanics. The other time was just working with the Resistance, which I did not do being a child.”

CAMERON: “That makes sense. Yes.”

LAURA: “I played hide and seek a lot.”

CAMERON: “useful skills in your current line of work. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Yes. You see, most of the days I spent with one of our neighbors, sort of like an uncle, and he was a previous Resistance spy for the, you know, the Resistance. He taught me how to be sneaky, you know, because he was a spy.”

CAMERON: “I can see those being very useful skills for a kid on Ryloth.”

LAURA: “yeah. I mean, we did hide in the cabinets when stormtroopers dragged my mother away, and they didn’t find us because we were sneaky. Yep.”

CAMERON: “Yup… Pluses and minuses. Okay. Um…” When Karma was asking questions she was trying to avoid the family stuff, because she had heard a previous conversation that Tink and Xianna had, and was just trying to avoid it, but nope we ended up there anyway.

NICK: (laughs) It’s a bummer.

CAMERON: (smiling) It’s a bummer.

NICK: So, we get Karma doing the gurgle straw with the dregs of a drink.

LAURA: (slurps straw)

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Gah. The camera zooms in on the—Is there ice in this drink?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: It zooms in on the ice which is still kind of fizzing and popping, and it zooms back out on Xianna and Karma in the cockpit of the Afternoon Delight. You’re up in orbit around Engebo 5 and you’ve got that sticky note with the string of numbers. I need an Astrogation check.

CAMERON: (groans) No… What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die because I have the exact coordinates I need to put into the computer?

NICK: Yeah, you can have two blue dice. Really the Astrogation is not the coordinates, it’s calculating the vector with the intersection of the trading route that you know that there is.

CAMERON: Okay. Let’s see… Hey! One success.

NICK: Nice. You are doing some math and we get an image of you going through the calculation several times, typing it, looking pretty unsure and going ‘Well…’ and just pulling the lever. You stretch out into hyperspace, and when you come back to you see you come into basically a disaster zone. This is an empty stretch of space which most hyperspace routes are, except that there’s a giant asteroid that seems to have impacted with a Mon Cal cruiser. The front is all crunched in and there’s a big freaking rock on it. You can also see from this distance a YT2400 locked with the front port of it near where the asteroid smooshed it up real good. You succeeded, so you are at a comfortable distance. You can get there quickly, but no one has noticed you yet.

LAURA: “Oh! They are raiding the ship. Can we raid the ship too?”

CAMERON: “Um, no. I’m gonna do a hard no on that one.”

LAURA: “Okay, but if we’re already going in there for Tink, you know, just grab a few things while we are there.”

CAMERON: “Nah, see my plan with this one will be I’m gonna hail the cruiser and see if they need assistance and then blow up the YT.”

LAURA: “Oh…”

CAMERON: “Because the infiltration team is probably on the cruiser, which means Tink’s on the cruiser, which means I just removed their escape route and hope there’s enough people on the cruiser to take care of all the green ones on top.”

LAURA: “Okay. I see.”

CAMERON: “And then maybe they’ll give us some of their stuff for providing assistance and rescuing them.”

LAURA: “That’s not as fun. Okay.”

CAMERON: “But it’s also legal.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Um…”

CAMERON: “I would just feel better about bringing in the bounty on the Green Gigorans of Gregarian if I did not also do the same thing they were trying to do.”

LAURA: ‘It is the Green Gregarious Gigorans.”

CAMERON: “Oh, yep, that one.”

LAURA: “yes. I mean, okay, you have the ship so you… (laughs)”

CAMERON: (laughs) I’m gonna hail the cruiser.

NICK: You call and there’s a long pause.

CAMERON: While it’s paused, “Xianna, see if you can get ahold of Tink. See if he still has his coms on.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay!”

CAMERON: “We should be close enough.”

LAURA: I try to see if I can get Tink on my coms.

NICK: We get a shot of Karma and a hologram pops up of a Mon Cal captain. In the background we see Xianna with her feet up on a chair doing the teenager with a cell phone thing.

LAURA: There’s no way Xianna has ever properly sat in a chair. (laughter) Either her feet are up in there, or she’s upside down in it, leaning, there’s no way. Yeah. Her feet are on the back of Karma’s chair. (laughs)

NICK: It’s obvious that she’s struggling a little bit to remember Tink’s com number because she keeps dialing, getting bored, hanging up, remembering who she was trying to call, so that’s all going on in the background.

LAURA: She’s getting a lot of, “Oh, ‘ello Tink. Wait no… Oh! Hello! Yes, uh… Setenia…? … Okay bye!” Like guessing names. “Ohh, nope! Okay.”

CAMERON: She’s like one of these little pieces of paper has Tink’s number.

LAURA: “One of these is going to be Tink!” (laughs)

NICK: While all that is going on, a Mon Cal captain answers the Afternoon Delight’s hail. “It’s a trap!”

CAMERON: “Are you in need of assistance?”

NICK: “Uh, yeah. I don’t know why… Yeah, they trapped us. We were attacked. We’re currently under attack.” You can hear blaster fire in the background.

CAMERON: “Is everyone from… We see you have a YT2400 attached. That is not your ship, correct?”

NICK: “Right. That’s the bandits.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Are you good with me taking out that ship?”

NICK: “Please kill everyone that belongs to them. they’ve killed most of my crew.”

CAMERON: “If you see a white Gigoran, his name is Tink, he’s been kidnapped.”

LAURA: “Tink is our friend!”

CAMERON: “He’s our friend, not food.”

NICK: “What is that supposed to mean?”

CAMERON: “Sorry. I’m just quoting movie references. It was real big on Glee Anselm. I don’t know.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: “Yeah, so if there’s a white Gigoran please try to not use force. He probably won’t be trying to kill you. I think all he has on him is a knife.”

NICK: The Mon Cal puts his hand to his chest. “I give you my honor as a captain that as long as I live I shall protect—“ and you hear (blast, blast) and blaster marks appear on his chest and he collapses to the ground. You see a Gigoran, just a flash of one, it’s hard to tell, and this is a holo so it’s not color, it’s all blue.

They lean over and go, “There’s someone hailing them,” hit a button, and hang it up.

LAURA: “I don’t think that was Tink.”

CAMERON: ‘it was not. Xianna, I’m gonna need you to get on the guns. Take out that YT2400.”

LAURA: “Okie!” Xianna runs over to the guns. She waits until she’s in there and karma can’t see her no more…

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: …and she snorts some impact.

NICK: Oh boy.

LAURA: She’s feeling a little tired. She also doesn’t have very many skills in Gunnery. Maybe I should get those eventually.

NICK: Before you get to do that, I need a Piloting check for you to get within good firing range with a good position so you don’t hit the other ship. You can have a blue die because you were successful on your Astrogation.

CAMERON: The difficulty?

NICK: For the Piloting check? Average. Also, as you get closer, the turret on the top of the 2400 starts to shoot back at you, so you have a black die.

CAMERON: Okay. One threat.

NICK: Ooh. So, you are able to get closer, but as you get within firing range you take a couple of hits to your shields. What are your shields on the Afternoon Delight?

CAMERON: Front?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Two.

NICK: Two? So you take some carbon scoring. That’s gonna be 1 damage to the front as you get hit, and you’re forced to kind of juke off to the side. Xianna still has a shot, but it’s gonna be more difficult. It’s gonna be an average difficulty because you’re close but with a black die because you’re getting shot at.

CAMERON: Our shield is 2, our armor is 3.

NICK: I don’t remember how that works. Oh, shields are black dice but I ignored that.

CAMERON: Yeah. You didn’t roll.

NICK: Yeah… This is story-ish. So, armor 3, okay. It’s just cosmetic damage.

CAMERON: “Damn. Just got a new paint job.”

LAURA: Can you aim with Gunnery?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay. Then I’m gonna also aim. One success and one threat.

NICK: How much damage does yours do?

CAMERON: Six damage, so it will be 7.

NICK: Wow. That’s pretty good. You hit it. I think you manage to disable the gun from where you shoot it. Anybody listening, yes I am kind of bastardizing the ship combat rules, but it’s not a real ship combat and also those rules are complicated as hell. You hit it, you disable the gun, from the amount of impact… heh… that your Gunner skill does, (laughter) you see that if you were just going to pound on this thing with your lasers it would take probably 45 minutes to actually destroy it. You’re welcome to try and blow it up worse, but at least you disabled the gun for now. Yours doesn’t have missiles or anything, does it?

CAMERON: No. We have the dorsal and ventral medium laser cannons.

NICK: Your options are basically go find somewhere else to hook up, to get onto the ship, or park and have Karma and Xianna on both guns just smoosh it into dust. With both guns it would probably take like 10 minutes of shooting just to completely pulverize the thing, or just have Xianna keep shooting it while you do some fancy flying.

LAURA: However they’re docked, is there a way where I could shoot just that and unhook them?

CAMERON: Yeah. That’s what I was thinking too.

LAURA: Like destroy whatever their docking mechanism is?

NICK: Potentially. It would be pretty hard. You would have to fly over it and get really close to the ship, because the docking tube is really short so there’s not a lot of space there. It looks kind of clung to it. If you were able to maneuver around, you’re not gonna get shot at right now.

CAMERON: I do that.

NICK: Okay. Cool.

LAURA: Gonna flip a light side point.

CAMERON: Then I have to retry my Piloting check, right?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Fly!

CAMERON: But have a better chance.

NICK: Yup, but no black die because you’re not getting shot at anymore.

CAMERON: Ha-ha! Do I still get my blue die?

NICK: Yeah. Sure.

CAMERON: yay.

NICK: Because you’re taking it slow.

CAMERON: Now that I’m no longer in danger. Guys, this is not working. A failure and two advantages.

NICK: You hit the cruiser trying to get into it. It’s just the other ship is clung really close so you’re trying to get to that angle and the ship’s in the way. It’s just gonna be really hard to shoot that. What would you like the advantages to be?

CAMERON: You said I hit the cruiser?

NICK: You bounced off the cruiser.

CAMERON: Okay. I want to have bounced off something in the cruiser that causes the airlock to cut off the access to the ship.

NICK: Okay. Sure! Let’s do that.

CAMERON: So that we can’t detach it, but no one can get through now without Tink’s slicing skills really.

NICK: You got close enough, you can see the reflection of the docking light that shows everything’s good. It was pulsing green, and when you hit it, it turns off and starts pulsing red real fast, and you know that probably means you just cut atmo to that walkway. You sealed it off.

CAMERON: “Okay. I don’t think they can get through anymore.”

LAURA: “Okay. Am I still shooting pew-pews or not?”

CAMERON: “Uh… No more pew-pews.”

LAURA: “No more pew-pews. Okay.”

CAMERON: “Let’s go find another spot to dock.”

LAURA: “Okay let’s go!”

CAMERON: “Grab your guns. We’re going in!”

LAURA: “Already had them!”

CAMERON: (smiling) “Make sure they’re loaded.”

LAURA: “And some grenades!”

NICK: You barrel roll off, and the only other access port for in-space docking is on the far side of the ship, but you’re able to line up, seal in, it just opens. They’re under emergency protocol by this point. We get a shot of you two walking down a weirdly flexible rubber landing walkway thing. Gosh, this is gonna be a very specific thing. It’s like those net tunnels from the Discovery Zone from elementary school that you would walk down. Does that mean anything to anybody else?

CAMERON: yeah~!

NICK: Cameron got excited.

CAMERON: Yeah~! Those places were so cool~!

NICK: yeah. Those ones that you would walk through as a kid. It’s like that. It’s very unstable. You two are able to get out fully armed.

CAMERON: Boop-bwoop! I lock the ship. (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Alright. With that, that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 23:

Nerf Bonanza

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

We hope you all had a wonderful Life Day. The squad scattered to the four corners of the galaxies for some time with family and I’ve used up our backlog. Starting fresh in this new year keep an ear out for some new goals and some fun new projects from Tabletop Squadron heading your way soon.

Thanks for listening, and we hope you enjoy the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron! I’m Nick, your host and… eh, I’m still game master. I’m pretty sure that’s still going on. Thank you for joining us yet again on this lovely cow-centric adventure.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) We’re gonna go around the table and introduce everybody. Say who you are, what you’re playing, and if you’ve spent any experience points since last time why don’t you just let us know how your character has really just developed themselves into a more effective team member. Starting off we’ll go with Laura.

LAURA: Hi. I’m Laura. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I would just like to point out that there’s not cows in these, it’s nerfs.

NICK: Yeah. Space cows.

LAURA: There’s a big difference. Have you seen a nerf? It doesn’t look like a cow.

NICK: It looks like a yak.

LAURA: Yeah! And that’s not a cow!

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: I mean…

LAURA: A yak is not a cow, Nick! (laughs)

NICK: Okay, okay, okay, fine.

LAURA: I purchased Jump Up on my talent tree. It lets me stand back up.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: There’s not a whole lot to that one.

NICK: It makes it an incidental, right?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Cool. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi Nick.

NICK: Hi.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m… playing with your heart.

NICK: Yeah, you really are.

HUDSON: Alright. I’m actually playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I bought one point in Streetwise to bring my point total for that up to 1, and one point in Skulduggery to bring my point total up to 1, and additionally I got Defensive Slicing. When defending computer systems add a black die per rank of Defensive Slicing on the opponent’s checks.

NICK: Interesting. So if someone tries to slice against you they’ll do worse.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Interesting. Cool. What a team-centric build you’ve created. We really appreciate your attention to synergy.

HUDSON: Oh, that’s all a ruse.

(laughter)

NICK: Well, hopefully we won’t get into that later. Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello.

NICK: Hi.

CAMERON: I’m Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I bought two talents on my Assassin skill tree. I bought Lethal Blows and another rank in Dodge, because I’m tired of getting hit.

NICK: Ooh. That seems fair.

CAMERON: Now just to remember that I have those. (laughs)

NICK: With two ranks in Dodge you can add two black dice to people attacking you?

CAMERON: No, since I have two ranks I can suffer 2 Strain to upgrade the difficulty of the attack by that number.

NICK: Oh wow.

CAMERON: Yah.

NICK: So Dodge is like sidestep but scarier. Cool. Alright, so that’s everybody. Before we get started let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: One dark side.

NICK: We’re all tied up at two dark side, two light side. Nifty keen. I’m gonna cut that out because Gyarados Skullfucker will make fun of me again.

CAMERON: (laughs) I think you should leave it in.

LAURA: More than one person has mentioned ‘nifty keen.’

NICK: It’s like a thing people say.

CAMERON: Apparently they don’t, Nicholas, because that’s been all of the Twitter comments on it.

HUDSON: Unless you’re like an 80 year old grandmother.

LAURA: Especially the Europeans, because I don’t think they know it’s a real thing, because someone who’s doing some of the transcripts asked me if that was a real thing people said because they didn’t know how to spell it.

CAMERON: (laughing) It’s not really a thing people say, but Nick says it.

LAURA: yeah, that’s what I told them. It’s a very old person thing to say. He just says it for some reason. I don’t know why.

NICK: (laughs) I get hung up on catch phrases that don’t make sense.

CAMERON: (smiling) Because Nick’s an old person.

HUDSON: Boo-hiss-hiss, as my grandma would say.

LAURA: Yeah. Hudson’s grandma does say that, and it’s weird.

NICK: Alright! Last episode when we left off you did a few things. You gathered some information on some potential bounties, you entered one of your party members into a death fight kind of not in line with his wishes I would say, you won a death fight, that was cool, made some money, bought some cool gear, still waiting on your ship to get fixed, and stayed in a very nice bed and breakfast.

CAMERON: Yeah~

NICK: So, if I’m not missing anything else, we’ll get right into it.

CAMERON: Oh, they went to the hospital.

NICK: Oh yeah. You went to the hospital and you got your wounds mostly taken care of. That’s important.

LAURA: Yup.

NICK: Alright. The episode opens on the crew of the Afternoon Delight sitting around a breakfast table. Gentle sunlight is drifting in through a large bay window. The round table is covered in a massive doily tablecloth. A large Mon Cal woman wearing a pink floral dress is approaching the table with a pot of caf. She says, “Anyone want some more?”

LAURA: “Yes please!”

CAMERON: “That would be lovely. Thank you.”

HUDSON: “Sure.”

NICK: She goes around and pours you all generous helpings of caf. It’s hot and fresh. She turns to walk away. What is the crew eating for breakfast?

CAMERON: (immediately) Scones.

HUDSON: I would say that I’m eating a scone.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Just caf.

NICK: Just caf? Okay. There are nerf sausages and nerf bacon and flapjacks and a lot of things on the table, but you all are indulging in just scones. You’re the only guests in the bed and breakfast because you used up all the rooms so you don’t have to worry about awkward breakfast talk.

HUDSON: Are they normal flapjacks or like silver dollar flappies?

(laughter)

LAURA: Or are they like buckwheat or corn or something? Johnny cakes! Heh.

CAMERON: Space jacks.

LAURA: That’s what they are when they’re part corn.

HUDSON: Oh, I didn’t know that. That’s cool.

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah, a Johnny cake.

HUDSON: I had one once.

LAURA: I’ve made them before!

HUDSON: Whoops.

(laughter)

LAURA: With blueberries!

NICK: ‘And they were very good!’

HUDSON: They were delicious.

NICK: yeah, there you go.

CAMERON: “So what’s our plan for today?” (laughs) “Did y’all get all the shopping you needed done?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

HUDSON: “Yes.”

LAURA: “So, to be honest, I kind of forgot why we are here.”

CAMERON: “Our ship’s broken, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Oh yes! Heh.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: ‘Oh, and the droid. We did get the droid, and I did all my shopping… I think. Sure. Yeah.”

CAMERON: So, if it was going to be three days to fix the ship, did that include yesterday, so now it’s two more days before it’s done?

NICK: Yeah. You have today and it should be finished being repaired sometime tomorrow.

CAMERON: That’s the same with all of our weapons that are getting upgraded right now as well?

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: With Krylon.

NICK: Conveniently, all of the getting upgraded timelines lined up.

CAMERON: Cool. I just wanted to check if it was three days from now or two days now.

HUDSON: I have no weapon right now except a pistol I can’t really fire very well, right?

CAMERON: (laughing) That is true.

HUDSON: So whatever we do I’m gonna have to use my bare hands, or my—

LAURA & HUDSON: Gigoran hands.

(laughter)

LAURA: Unless you bought some bear paws just to have.

HUDSON: Rawr. Oh! That’s what I have for breakfast, bear claws.

LAURA: Rawr!

NICK: Nice!

(laughter)

HUDSON: Rawr.

NICK: Good. Yeah. I guess so. You didn’t ask for a loaner or anything from the shop, so yeah.

HUDSON: Great.

NICK: Mm-hmm. You can punch things.

HUDSON: I can. Wait, what do I have even? It’s a Melee. I don’t have anything in Brawl. (laughs) I can’t.

NICK: Oh. You need to find yourself a bat or something.

CAMERON: “Um… I’ve got a vibro-knife you could borrow, Tink.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

CAMERON: “That’s at least… size difference, a lot from your axe, but it’s at least a sharp, pointy object.”

HUDSON: “Alright. I’ll borrow it.”

CAMERON: “Okay.” I loan him my vibro-knife so now he has a melee weapon. (laughs)

HUDSON: I kind of pick it up and look at it…

CAMERON: It looks ridiculous in your hand.

HUDSON: Yeah. It’s super small, and I kind of poke at it, like how sharp is this.

CAMERON: It’s very sharp.

LAURA: “I have an extra gun if you want it.”

HUDSON: “No. I can’t shoot very well.”

LAURA: “No? Okay. That’s fine.”

HUDSON: “I mean, you’d then be putting another gun in my possession so I could dual wield, but like—(laughter) I can’t shoot good.”

LAURA: “Whatever you want. I was just offering.”

HUDSON: “I’ll pass.”

CAMERON: (smiling) Great. Alright, so anyway, plans for the day, now that Tink is armed, kind of. I got intel on a couple of bounties that we can look into. I think there’s one that’s on planet right now. We could get more spending money.”

HUDSON: “Okay. I mean, I got a lot yesterday from being forcibly put into a death ring, but I did win that bet.”

LAURA: “No. You did technically agree to it.”

HUDSON: “In what way? What world were you living in?”

LAURA: “Um… I think you signed some paperwork or something.

HUDSON: “Yeah, after I was pushed into it.”

LAURA: “You could have decided to not sign the paperwork.”

HUDSON: “I don’t like disappointing people.”

LAURA: “And that is on you.”

CAMERON: Aww.

HUDSON: “Fine.”

LAURA: “And besides, you won!”

HUDSON: “I did. I still have a little bit of a high from that betting.”

LAURA: “I’m sure that will never become an issue.” Heh.

HUDSON: “Nah. I got it under control.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh. Sure.”

LAURA: “So, bounties?”

CAMERON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “Yes. That is what we are doing?”

HUDSON: “Plural?”

CAMERON: “I guess. So, there were two bounties—actually there were three, but then I talked to someone who said that one of them was actually dead, so we’re not gonna go after him obviously.”

HUDSON: “Sounds like that would be the easiest one.”

CAMERON: “I think they’re already turned in, though.”

HUDSON: “Oh, okay.”

CAMERON: “They may have died in a bar fight or something, in which case the law enforcement officials were probably involved, so they probably just revoked the bounty on it. But I’ve got two more! There’s a group of nerf hustlers called the Slippery Nerfs who—“

LAURA: “That…”

CAMERON: “Yup.”
LAURA: “Ohh! Okay.”

CAMERON: “There a group of Selkath, if that helps with the naming.”

LAURA: “No, no, no. You see, the name is a reference. Um… If I have to explain it I don’t think it is appropriate.”

CAMERON: “Okay cool.”

LAURA: “I will not explain it. Tink, you get that one, right?”

HUDSON: “yeah!”

LAURA: “yeah.”

HUDSON: (shaky) “Yeah… I do.”

LAURA: “You see, okay, so with that one, what you do is you find a pool—“ (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: At this point the grandmotherly Mon Cal walks back in. “You all need some more caf?”

LAURA: “Yes please!”

NICK: She starts to pour it in. “What were you all talking about?”

CAMERON: “Just some bounties that we may spend our time going after today.” (laughs)

LAURA: “I was explaining what a slippery nerf was.”

NICK: “Oh, slippery nerf, I used to pull a slippery nerf from time to time.” And she sashays away.

CAMERON: Karma looks uncomfortable.

LAURA: “See? It is a thing. I told you.”

HUDSON: “I believed you because I knew it.”

LAURA: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Sure you did, sweetie. Anyway. Group of nerf herders. Don’t know how many there are.”

LAURA: “Which one is worth more money?”

CAMERON: “That would be the second one, but see I had to lay some groundwork for the second one, and Tink I apologize in advance.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Okay?”

CAMERON: “There’s a group, they’re called the GGGs, the Green Gregarious Gigorans…?”

HUDSON: “Oh, them…”

CAMERON: “Oh, you know them?”

HUDSON: “I mean, I’ve heard of them.”

CAMERON: “Oh, okay.”

LAURA: “Can we just paint you green and send you in?”

CAMERON: “Well, they’re off planet at the moment, but I did do a call yesterday giving an anonymous tip to their boss, Ziller, saying that there may be a Gigoran on planet looking for work… so they may come back, but they’re bank robbers and apparently as their name suggests they’re green. They are worth double the nerfs, however they are not on planet and we don’t have a ship.”

LAURA: Xianna has her hand raised a little bit. “Question.”

CAMERON: “yes Xianna?”

LAURA: “Can we just rob a bank instead?”

CAMERON: “No.”

LAURA: “Why? Heh. It is not that hard actually.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, we are trapped on this planet for another few days.”

LAURA: “yes, so what you do is you do not actually rob the Credits, you cozy up to someone who works at the bank and you get a loan, and then you just use it all and then you leave before they collect it.”

HUDSON: “So you meant fraud, you didn’t mean rob.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Well, you also rob some things, like you steal Credit slips and … space checks.”

(laughter)

HUDSON: They still have checks.

CAMERON: “Those really nice pens that they always have.

LAURA: “You steal all of the pends, some data pads, and some actual Credits. Yes.”

CAMERON: “So I’m gonna go ahead and say no on the bank heist.”

LAURA: “(defeated) Okay. Fine. If you say so.”

CAMERON: “A: Just because… illegal.”

LAURA: “Like that has ever stopped us. A good portion of what we do is illegal.”

HUDSON: “Yeah…”

CAMERON: “Okay, so far we’ve been doing decently.”

HUDSON: “yeah, we have some morals.”

NICK: Time out. (laughter) We cut to Ithor and there’s this giant flaming crater, and news drones are hovering overhead, and there’s a report that says, “The wildfires continue to spread after unknown terrorist activity results in the destruction of a city.” And it jumps back to you.

CAMERON: It pops back to all of us looking very thoughtful. “Okay, I don’t think that was technically our fault, though.”

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna’s counting on her fingers. “Okay, we murdered that guy, and we shot that guy, and we shot these people…”

CAMERON: “So far I have only shot people who shot at me first, I think.”

(snickering)

LAURA: “It is still technically illegal.”

CAMERON: ‘Hold on. No. I did shoot the gang members, I surprised them, but they were gang members and that’s different, Xianna. They had bounties on them.”

LAURA: “I killed that drug dealer… Um.”

CAMERON: “You killed a drug dealer?”

LAURA: “Yeah. That is like the first—I think I told Tink, but yes, during the first little mission that we had to do. I’m pretty sure I got that little gray container with whatever that creature was in. that was my audition? For this gig, and I did kill a drug dealer, not actually related to the job at all, just a side thing that happened.”

CAMERON: “Okay, just a random drug dealer?”

LAURA: “Yes. Well, I mean, he had drugs.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Great.”

LAURA: “But then he tried to kill me, so I killed him, and then I stole his drugs!”

CAMERON: “Alright. I was gonna say it sounded like self-defense, and then you kept talking and now I changed my mind.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “I mean, it was a little bit, I just also looted the body.”

HUDSON: “Things have gray areas, I suppose.”

LAURA: “Yeah, like sometimes you enter your friend into a fighting ring… but then he wins! So…”

HUDSON: “That’s not a gray area…”

CAMERON: (Laughs)

HUDSON: “It’s pretty black and white.”

LAURA: “No. No.”

HUDSON: “What’s black and white and red all over?”

LAURA: “Ooh! Um…”

CAMERON: (laughing) I’m trying to think of a space red panda.

NICK: A porg with herpes.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Oh no.

HUDSON: “Me after that fight.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “You did not have any black on you. You are just white and some bits of red. I mean, most of that was the Wookie’s blood just on you. And you peed yourself one time! Why do you even care?”

HUDSON: “I’ve never done that, ever.”

LAURA: “Tink.”

HUDSON: “Yes?”

LAURA: “You peed yourself that one time on purpose. We all know you did it.”

HUDSON: “No. I slipped in oil.”

LAURA: “We all know you did it. Just be honest.”

CAMERON: “I’m gonna refrain from this one, because I was not there. I do not have an opinion one way or the other.”

LAURA: “Just be honest.”

HUDSON: “No. I didn’t.”

LAURA: “Okay, fine, whatever. We will get the bounties…”

HUDSON: “I didn’t!”

LAURA: “Anyways. Also Karma, where were you while I was entering Tink into a possibly illegal fighting ring? I think it was illegal, yeah.”

CAMERON: “Pretty sure we were in a crime den, so guessing not strictly… Yeah.”

LAURA: “I do not know. I mean, I should be supervised.”

CAMERON: ‘I was searching out information on these bounties, seeing if I can find anything else out.”

LAURA: “And did you?”

CAMERON: “yeah. I just gave you all of my information. I got the boss is Ziller, and I gave him a call, got his contact information. Hopefully he comes back to the planet. It just occurred to me I don’t know how large either of these two groups are.”

HUDSON: “I have a brilliant idea.”

CAMERON: “What is your brilliant idea?”

HUDSON: “So, we get the Slippery Nerfs to meet us in an alley, and we get GGG to meet us in that same alley—“

LAURA: “(gasps) And then they shoot each other!”

HUDSON: “yeah! And then we just take all their dead bodies to the bounty place.”

LAURA: “yes! Also, we have grenades, we can just also throw the grenades in there, speed things up.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, exactly. Perfect. Let’s do it.”

CAMERON: “So, we don’t have a way to contact the Slippery Nerfs. I just know that they’re north. We’d have to track them.”

HUDSON: “They have some kind of light signal that you can flash from a rooftop. Am I… Is this another Slippery Nerfs?”

CAMERON: What?!

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “No, that is a different thing.”

HUDSON: “Oh, okay.”

LAURA: “Can we go back to wherever you got all this information and ask clarifying questions? Like how many people are in this group.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, no, I just said that it occurred to me that I have no idea how large either of these groups are,” unless the DM told me last time and I didn’t write it down in my notes.

NICK: No.

CAMERON: No? Cool. “I don’t know.”

LAURA: “But again, can we go back and ask these questions? I’m assuming you went to like a bartender.”

HUDSON: “So if I recall I think GGG is roughly the size of a barber shop quartet.”

CAMERON: “So four?”

LAURA: “You could just say four.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Or is it roughly the size, like it’s actually three or five?”

HUDSON: “It’s three to five.”

CAMERON: “Okay, so roughly the size of a quartet.”

HUDSON: “And this is how I remember it.”

LAURA: “So just say three to five.”

HUDSON: “Maybe they’ve grown into a bigger group, like a… like a band size.”

LAURA: “What do you count as a band?”

CAMERON: “Are we talking like big band, or like—“

HUDSON: “Big band.”

CAMERON: “Oh damn.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, little army.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “So anywhere from three to 20 people is what you are saying?”

HUDSON: “yeah, but that’s if they grew. If they didn’t, then there are four. You know what a barber shop quartet is, right?”

LAURA: “It is four. It is in the name.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

LAURA: “But again, you said roughly, so it could be three or five.”

HUDSON: “That’s how I remember it.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Great.”

LAURA: “Should we get clarifying answers from somebody in town? I’m sure somebody knows.”

CAMERON: “Do you know what size of musical group the Slippery Nerfs are comparative to?” (laughing)

HUDSON: “I have no idea.”

CAMERON: (laughing) “Alright. I’m just wondering. I can look it up.”

LAURA: “I mean, so if they are using the name as a reference then there would be four, but who knows.”

CAMERON: I’m gonna get out my data pad and open up the info on this bounty. (laughs)

LAURA: “Ooh! Make sure when you are typing in the Slippery Nerfs you do type gang—No, wait.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Don’t type that one either. Heh.”

CAMERON: “No, no, no. I’m typing it into the bounty database, so it should be pretty safe.”

LAURA: “Oh! Then you should be fine.”

CAMERON: “This isn’t just like a space Google search. Not looking for pictures.”

NICK: Alright. You’re looking for info on the Slippery Nerfs?

CAMERON: Yup. I’m pulling up the bounty on them.

NICK: Okay. You pull up the bounty. First of all it does have an image search thing but the pictures are all blurred, and it says you can turn moderate search off to see more about Slippery Nerfs.

CAMERON: Karma has the parental controls on her data pad because Jet and Juke would use it, so it sensors all of the pictures. (laughs) Even though, yes, they are like 21.

NICK: They don’t have exact numbers on how many there are, and they don’t have any persons of note. This is pretty much a group of Selkath that have gotten together. from the jobs that you’ve seen there are probably between eight to 15 people. That’s how many it would take to like steal a herd of cattle.

CAMERON: “Okay, this is looking like eight to 15, which honestly seems high because the bounty is only 2K.”

HUDSON: “Maybe they’re all really tiny.”

LAURA: “No. They are Gigorans.”

CAMERON: “No, they’re Selkath, this is the Nerfs.”

LAURA: “Oh, oh, the Nerfs.”

CAMERON: “Selkath aren’t that small. They’re smaller than you, Tink, but most of us are. They’re probably, I don’t know, just think your standard Human height probably just more fish-looking.”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “I like that we are using Humans as the standard when we are all non-Human.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, I know.”

LAURA: “It is a very interesting standard to use.”

CAMERON: “Honestly, you could do Nautolan or Twi’lek as well.”

LAURA: “Mm, on average we are slightly taller.”

CAMERON: Karma looks down at Xianna. (laughs) “Huh. Sure.”

LAURA: (laughs) “But I am just, uh, short. Ryloth is an occupied planet and I grew up malnourished, so fun stories all around. Yes. So anyways, it sounds like the Gigorans would have less people in their gang and therefore easier to capture.”

CAMERON: “But they’re also not here on planet.”

LAURA: “Yes, but they will be here.”

CAMERON: “Potentially, if they choose to come and fetch another Gigoran for their quartet-ish sized group.”

LAURA: “So we can party until they get here, we can run a few jobs before they get here, we can do both. Usually there is an overlap. No one else wants to do that? Tink, you don’t want to go party? Maybe steal some things?”

HUDSON: “Go potty?”

LAURA: “Party!”

CAMERON: (emphasized) “Party.”

HUDSON: “I don’t need to go, actually. I’m fine.”

LAURA: “No, to a party, you know, lights and music and…”

HUDSON: “That’s actually real fancier than what I go to.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Tink.”

CAMERON: “Tink. Party.”

HUDSON: “Oh!”

LAURA: “Partyyy.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Okay. Yeah. I would go to a party, I guess. I mean, will there be drinking there?”

LAURA: “Probably, yes.”

HUDSON: “Hmm…”

LAURA: “That is how you steal things. You wait until they are drunk and then you take them.”

CAMERON: “Xianna.”

HUDSON: “We’re not stealing things. We’re going to what seems like a party.”

LAURA: “Yes. You can do both. You can go to a party and steal things from it at the same time.”

HUDSON: “Just be moral for one day for me.”

LAURA: “(huffs) Fine. You are a hacker! Your entire job is illegal. What do you mean telling me to be moral?”

HUDSON: “Well no, it’s like the greater good though.”

LAURA: “But you- You just steal things- You are also a thief if you really think about it. You are stealing things just digitally.”

HUDSON: “Listen. You wouldn’t download a whole ship, would you?”

LAURA: “If I could, yes.”

HUDSON: “Exactly.”

CAMERON: “Do I have a 3D printer large enough to print it?”

HUDSON: “Oh… We could maybe get a new ship. What if we put a 3D printer on our ship to make little ships, and then we can sell our ships and become a dealership?”

CAMERON: “Whaaat?” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Oh wait, a dealership-ship.”

CAMERON: “A dealership-ship. Yeah!” (laughs)

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: I was gonna say, I just want to pause and appreciate that legit good pun that you made.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay. How much are the printers? Because apparently I can’t just go steal one.”

HUDSON: “No. That would be wrong. How much are they? I actually haven’t looked in a while.”

CAMERON: (laughing) “If you’re trying to print a ship it’s gonna be a really freaking expensive 3D printer.”

LAURA: ‘No, it just prints the smaller pieces and then assemble.”

CAMERON: (laughing) “That’s way too much work.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, that does sound like a lot of work, unless we hire workers, but then they might unionize…”

LAURA: “They should unionize!”

CAMERON: “Tink, I feel like you’re thinking way too far into this dealership-ship idea.”

LAURA: “Unions are good for the people.”

HUDSON: “Mm. I guess.”

LAURA: “People should be able to protect themselves from corporations.”

CAMERON: “It’s true.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

HUDSON: “To a point…”

LAURA: “No. Unions are good, Tink.”

HUDSON: “Fine. I’m clearly not…”

CAMERON: (smiling) ‘Tink, do you like the Empire?”

LAURA: “Yeah. What are your feelings on the Empire? Because apparently you are anti-union, so…”

HUDSON: “It’s- Okay. The Empire… So about them.”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm?”

HUDSON: “I grew up in the Empire so I appreciate—“

LAURA: “We all did.”

HUDSON: “yeah, I know. I’m just saying, me personally, I did, so—“

LAURA: “But we all did.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “(gritted teeth) It’s a part of my story. So, I can appreciate what they’re trying to do here, but they’re going about it all wrong.”

LAURA: “What do you mean you can appreciate what they are trying to do?”

CAMERON: “What are they trying to do?”

LAURA: “Besides the genocide.”

HUDSON: “Unite the galaxy.”

CAMERON: “Nn…”

LAURA: “But the genocide, and the occupation, and…”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah. That’s why I said they’re going about it wrong. Wrong is genocide.”

LAURA: “Okay, um…”

NICK: I think we just got our first t-shirt for the show.

CAMERON: Wrong Is Genocide.

HUDSON: (laughs) No~

CAMERON: Great.

LAURA: “No. Maybe the planets should have a choice on whether or not they are in an organization. You know, maybe kind of how the Republic was without all the corruption.”

HUDSON: Without telling you guys I changed my data pad ringtone to like the Kim Possible (stinger), so my data pad goes off, (stinger), and uh…

LAURA: “And what is that?”

HUDSON: “Whoa! GGG just contacted me!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: No, they, didn’t.

HUDSON: Damn it!

(laughter)

LAURA: That’s not how this game works, Hudson! Hudson!

HUDSON: I was trying.

NICK: It was a good try. Now you have to figure out how to fake a phone call with what you’re gonna do from there.

CAMERON: (laughs) You hold your data pad up to your ear. ‘Hello?’ It’s comically large.

HUDSON: “Hello? This is Tink.”

LAURA: Xianna leans over to Karma. “Um, the screen is not even on.”

CAMERON: “Well also his communicator is in his ear, so I don’t know what he’s doing with his data pad.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Oh, I wish I could refinance, but I don’t even have anything I own that much.”

LAURA: “I don’t think his data pad even takes calls.”

CAMERON: “Nope. Probably not.”

HUDSON: ‘Oh? Okay!”

CAMERON: (smiling) “I don’t know what he’s doing. He may have gotten awkwarded out by our Empire interrogation.”

LAURA: “So, anyways…”

CAMERON: “Do we wanna go after the Slippery Nerfs and then go party?”

LAURA: “Wait, I thought there was a bigger gang. I don’t want to take down like 14 people.”

CAMERON: “But they’re not here today. But you just said you had grenades. Their bounty is dead or alive.”

LAURA: “I did , so if we can get them all in one single room we can just throw some grenades in.”

CAMERON: “I kind of feel like it’s gonna be more of a pasture situation.”

HUDSON: “(gasps) I have grenades!”

CAMERON: “But we can also potentially have barbecue if we catch a couple of nerfs in the explosions.”

LAURA: “True. So we dig a pit, and then we push them all into it, and then throw grenades in. that is all I got. This is not my area of expertise. Usually I am dealing in one-on-one, sometimes two-on-two situations.”

HUDSON: “(exhales) Gross.”

LAURA: “And sometimes I steal things. Heh.”

CAMERON: “… Tink.”

(laughter)

HUDSON: “Anyways.”

LAURA: “Tink, okay, love between consenting adults is a very beautiful thing. Okay?”

HUDSON: “I agree. It’s just with you… Uh, what I- Okay. So listen everyone.”

CAMERON: (laughs) Can you hear the looks that Laura and I are giving him?

HUDSON: “I got this knife,” and I hold up my comically small knife, “and I got these ‘nades.”

LAURA: “Oh, I am not into that.”

HUDSON: “… What?”

LAURA: “What?” (laughs)

HUDSON: “I got these ‘nades, so we can go ahead and take them on.”

LAURA: “yes. We have grenades. Okay. we just want to make sure they are grouped together so when we throw grenades we make the most out of, you know, the explosion.”

HUDSON: “We could just throw some money in the middle of them so they all try to go after it like if a slot machine is spilling coins.”

LAURA: “That does not actually work. I have tried that.”

CAMERON: “What if we dress Tink up as a nerf?”

LAURA: “Ooh.”

HUDSON: “Wait. They would try to herd me, but then you would herd grenades my way.”

LAURA: ‘So let’s go steal someone else’s nerfs…”

CAMERON: “No.”

LAURA: “…and then use it as bait.”

HUDSON: “Can you ride a nerf?”

LAURA: “You can, technically.”

CAMERON: “Technically, yeah.”

HUDSON: “Are they not very fast?”

LAURA: “No. They are herd animals. They just kind of sit there and eat grass.”

CAMERON: They’re space yaks.

HUDSON: “Hmm. Alright.”

CAMERON: “We could get speeders though.”

HUDSON: “Let’s get speeders. That’s fun. Even if we don’t run into them we can just race around, I mean there’s some good areas to just kind of glide.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “That’s true. Go check out the scenery.”

HUDSON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “Do we have to?”

HUDSON: “What’s wrong with that?”

CAMERON: (laughs) “I mean, if you want to stay here, I’m not feeling super great about taking on 15 Selkath with just my carbine, but I could probably manage it.”

LAURA: (reluctantly) “Okay… I’ll do it. (huffs)”

HUDSON: “Alright. I’m ready.”

LAURA: “Can we get ice cream afterwards?”

CAMERON: “Obviously, yes.”

NICK: And we cut to… You are on the north side of Nerftown. There is a rental barn there, and there are a couple of options. They have some speeders that are like cars that you could all three sit in and one could drive. They’ve got speeder bikes which are faster but don’t provide you any cover or anything. There’s also a corral around back with some Dewbacks that are making giant lizard noises and running into each other. It just kind of depends on what you want to rent.

LAURA: “Is anyone good at driving land vehicles? I’m not.”

CAMERON: “I have some skills in it, and we know from our adventures on Unroola Dawn that Tink is an excellent speeder pilot.”

HUDSON: “Absolutely.”

LAURA: “I don’t… Huh.”

HUDSON: Now, you said Duons?

NICK: Dewbacks.

HUDSON: Dewbacks. Now, the question I have on whether or not we’re gonna get those are when are they due back?

NICK: Boo~

CAMERON: (chuckles)

NICK: The proprietor of the rental facility polishes his spectacles. He’s an old, skinny guy. He just looks at you with zero sense of humor. “Well, it’s a daily rate, but we’ll see what we can do.”

HUDSON: “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”

NICK: “Are you coming on to me?”

HUDSON: (laughs) “No, not at all. I can’t believe you would even think that, actually.”

NICK: (smiling) “It’s been a long time…”

HUDSON: (inhales) “Ehh, let’s get—Okay. Actually, we gotta get speeders.”

LAURA: “But do we want individual speeders or one big speeder?”

HUDSON: “I think we should do one big speeder.”

LAURA: “Okie.”

CAMERON: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “Wow. I’m in charge here.”

LAURA: “No. We just agree.”

HUDSON: “The person in charge pays.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “That’s true.”

LAURA & CAMERON: “Okay! You’re in charge.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I don’t think he has any money, but okay.”

HUDSON: “What?”

NICK: We’ll skip this part, but you manage to negotiate a 50 Credit deal. You’ll have the speeder as long as you need it. We get a quick shot of the desk and you’re signing paperwork and things. “You know, for another 25 Credits you can get the full coverage insurance.”

HUDSON: “Can I see the paperwork on that?”

NICK: “Sure,” and he slides it over to you. What are you looking for in this paperwork?

HUDSON: One of those really stupid clauses they always put in there about how you have to show proof that someone got hurt, or you have to like, if there’s an illness, there’s only a handful of things that will allow you to actually bring the car back.

NICK: So, this one is actually fairly clause-free. The only thing it doesn’t protect against is a speeder totaling explosion. If the whole thing turned into a burned out skeleton of a speeder and had nothing left you would get stuck with potentially paying for it, but if it takes damage in any way or anything like that you don’t have to pay for it.

HUDSON: I laugh a little and say, “You want to give us insurance? Alright.”

(laughter)

NICK: “Why is that funny?” (laughs) And we cut to you all driving north of Nerftown in a speeder. It looks exactly like the one from A New Hope that Luke drives around, it’s just like an open top convertible with some jets on it that flies low enough that you can’t tell if there’s wheels on it or not.

HUDSON: Is it the same color as in the movie? Because I love that color.

NICK: yeah, that brownie red streaky color.

HUDSON: Yeah. I had that toy as a kid.

NICK: I did too.

LAURA: I think we might still have it.

HUDSON: Oh?

LAURA: It might be in the box.

CAMERON: It blends in great with the lush countryside.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Well, I mean, it’s gold and this is kind of reddish, it’s not super camouflage, but it’s not like bright yellow or anything.

LAURA: It’s a complementary color.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: (valley girl voice) We look good.

NICK: The art director was really happy about it. So, we get a scene of you all pulling up to a low rise. You can see miles and miles, and kilometers of sweeping grassland. It looks relatively featureless. Karma, would you like to attempt to track this gang?

CAMERON: It seems like a smart move.

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: What do I roll to do that?

NICK: I would take Perception, Survival would be really good.

CAMERON: Hmm.

LAURA: Also, could Xianna help, and put on her scanner goggles, and scan for things? And while I’m saying this, Tink you have a, like, scanner…

CAMERON: (laughing) Life sign scanner.

LAURA: …or Hudson, yeah. Tink has a scanner thing.

HUDSON: I always forget that. Where is it?

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: It’s in your item sheet!

NICK: It only scans for life signs and motion sensors now.

(laughter)

HUDSON: That’s right.

LAURA: But it could scan for the life signs, or maybe they also have a motion sensor.

CAMERON: I would like to use Perception since I have that.

NICK: That’s fine. We get a shot of Xianna standing on the hood of the speeder with her scanner goggles, and it does the shot with the (buzzing) noise as the looks at the horizon. Karma bends down and puts some dirt between her fingers and squints at it because she’s tracking. Tink whips out his—

HUDSON: Cryoncorp Enhancescan Scanner!

NICK: … Great. It looks like a laser toy from a store with a big screen on it, and the screen is just a bunch of screwed in lightbulbs because it’s 70s technology. You look at it, and you turn it on for life signs, and the whole thing lights up with red dots, everywhere.

CAMERON: Moo~

NICK: Yeah. It’s probably not gonna do you a ton of good, because this place is covered in cows.

HUDSON: I just hit it a couple times thinking it’s broken.

NICK: (laughs) Yeah. It shorts out and turns off.

HUDSON: Awh. Well, there’s that. “Guys, my thing broke.”

CAMERON: “How so?”

HUDSON: “It just wasn’t working so I hit it a few times, and then it turned off.”

CAMERON: “Well yeah, that is not the way to—You should know that doesn’t always fix technology.”

HUDSON: “A lot of the time it does.”

LAURA: “Yes. It is only like 60% of the time.”

CAMERON: “How hard were you hitting it, though?”

HUDSON: “I was hitting it like not super hard.”

LAURA: “Yeah, that is how you do that.”

HUDSON: “yeah.”

CAMERON: “Okay. It should be fine then.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. It’ll probably be fine. It might just need to cool off.”

NICK: You have to put it in some rice.

CAMERON: (laughing) That makes no sense.

NICK: (chuckles)

LAURA: “Yeah, you put it in rice and then it dries out.”

HUDSON: “I think you put it in dust.”

CAMERON: (sarcastically) “If you hit it too hard you put it in rice and then it dries out.”

NICK: That always fixes most technology.

CAMERON: “And then you put it in the microwave, and it charges.”

LAURA: “No, you put it on a nice little pillow and let it rest.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Anyway! Heh.

NICK: This is going to be an average check.

CAMERON: Xianna is helping, right?

LAURA: I have 4 Cunning.

CAMERON: And 2 Perception, right?

LAURA: yeah, 2 Perception.

CAMERON: Cool. Let’s do that.

NICK: It’s also going to have a black die on it because this trail is kind of old.

CAMERON: No it’s not! Because I’m an Expert Tracker! (smiling)

NICK: And what does that do~?

CAMERON: Let’s me remove a black die when I try and track shit!

NICK: Oh shucks, foiled again.

CAMERON: It also decreases the time to track a target by half.

NICK: Yeah, so that’s gonna be really cool.

CAMERON: Yup. Hopefully. (snickers)

NICK: What?

CAMERON: That shouldn’t happen. This is very unlikely. An advantage. Three of the dice are just blank.

LAURA: I just keep pointing out nerfs. Heh. I just keep going around, “Ooh! Karma! Look at that nerf. It is bigger than the rest. Ooh! Look at those two. They are like rubbing their faces together. it is so cute! Look at it~”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh! Look! It’s a baby nerf!”

LAURA: “(gasps) Tink, look at the baby nerf!”

HUDSON: “I’m looking at the chocolate moo nerf.”

CAMERON: (snickers)

LAURA: “They’re all chocolate moo nerfs. Nerfs are brown. They are all … chocolate … nerfs.”

(laughter)

NICK: There’s a strawberry nerf that’s got like tawny red hair.

HUDSON: “(gasps) Ooh! Strawberry nerf.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Karma’s looking back and forth between them. she’s pretty sure that they know that’s not how milk works.

NICK: Karma’s having flashbacks to taking Jet and Juke on a tracking mission when they were like seven.

CAMERON: Yeah. (laughs)

LAURA: They’re like, ‘So but if they’re all brown, why is the milk blue? Where are the blue nerfs? Mom, I wanna see the blue nerfs!’ Heh.

CAMERON: (laughing) ‘Shut up. Mommy’s working.’

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘Blue nerf! Blue nerf!’

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: I did have a plan for if this check failed. As you’re arguing about nerf milk flavors you see a dust cloud on the far horizon. You guess it’s probably about ten kilometers away. You’re not sure if it has anything to do with who you’re hunting, but you figure… Xianna, you’ve probably been cow tipping before, right?

LAURA: I’ve been something tipping.

CAMERON: You’ve been rancore tipping.

NICK: Ooh, that’s dangerous.

LAURA: Oh! What are the things they have on Ryloth? They ride them in Rebels… Aw shit. They kind of look like little T-Rex fish things.

NICK: Yeah. I don’t remember what those are called.

LAURA: What are those? So not nerfs, but Ryloth has blurrgs. They’re like these weird little T-Rex fish things that they ride around on, and they are not as cute as you’d think they’d be based on that description. You wait for them to fall asleep and then you run up and you push them over… and that’s it. That’s what blurrg tipping is.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

LAURA: And then you run away before they can bite you.

NICK: Yeah. So, at least one time that you did this you started a stampede, and it’s the same kind of arid dirt—Ryloth has less grass—but this cloud you’re seeing in the far distance seems very similar to a lot of beasts of burden running away at once which you’ve seen before. You figure there’s probably a big herd of nerfs that way, and you got no other leads right now.

LAURA: So, I point towards the cloud. “Ooh! There is a dust cloud over there. That often means there is some sort of stampede or large herd of animals running around.”

CAMERON: “From what I’ve seen of nerfs they don’t tend to run, so it’s probably that they’re being herded by…”

LAURA: ‘I mean, probably.”

CAMERON: “…Slippery Nerfs, maybe.”

HUDSON: “That could be true. I have a question about your tipping experience.”

LAURA: “Yes?”

HUDSON: “When you tip these animals, is it at least 15%?”

CAMERON: Gosh.

LAURA: “I mean, I try to go 20% just because you know often they are not paid the full minimum wage, and you know…”

NICK: We cut to you all in the speeder…

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: …headed that direction really fast, and Xianna is still explaining her tipping theory to Tink. Tink, you’re driving?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: Wait…

CAMERON: “Should you be driving, Tink?”

HUDSON: I have 2 in Piloting: Planetary.

LAURA: I have 0 in Piloting: Planetary.

CAMERON: And what’s your Agility?

HUDSON: Two.

CAMERON: Can I co-pilot?

NICK: Not in this kind of speeder. It’s just got the one steering wheel.

HUDSON: “I’ll pilot! We’ll be fine!”

CAMERON: Okay, yeah, because I’m more agile but I only have 1 in Planetary.

NICK: Tink, we get a shot of the speeder, and Xianna is happily explaining how she likes to tip the service industry, and you punch it, the speeder goes flying off the screen, and you come up very quickly on a herd of nerfs that is being herded by  a group of beings. They’re mostly wrapped up, it’s hard to see what they are, and they’re on speeder bikes and they have blaster pistols that they’re shooting in the air occasionally. The nerfs look terrified, and they are moving pretty quick. You have to keep the speeder at about 60% thrust to keep up with them, so these nerfs are moving a lot faster than you would expect. What do you do?

CAMERON: As we start approaching, “Tink, slow down a little bit. We don’t want to actually ‘meet up’ with them.”

HUDSON: “What?! Speed up?!”

NICK: Yeah. Flip me a dark side point. I’ll play this game. Tink punches it and you end up right next to the back of the herd. There are two creatures. Up close you can see they are Selkath, but they’re wearing big goggles and basically space cowboy outfits, and they turn to look at you in unison.

LAURA: Xianna waves.

CAMERON: Karma shoots one. (laughs)

NICK: (laughs) Okay. Make me a Cool check please.

CAMERON: A success and two advantages.

NICK: Can you roll me two green dice please?

CAMERON: Three advantages.

NICK: Alright. You get the drop on them. They still look baffled. Go ahead and take your shot. It’s gonna be close range, so that’s only one difficulty, but you will have two black dice because you are in a very fast speeder which is kind of lurching around.

HUDSON: My melee weapon is gonna do great in this scenario.

CAMERON: (laughing) You’re the driver. Don’t do anything else.

LAURA: I offered you a gun.

HUDSON: I got ‘nadies.

NICK: You do have a gun.

HUDSON: I do.

CAMERON: You have an Imperial light blaster.

HUDSON: I literally would just shoot one of us. That’s how bad I am with it.

CAMERON: However, I get to add a blue die per rank of Quick Strike to combat checks against targets that have not acted yet this encounter, so I also get a blue die because I’m going first.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: I felt like I had something that did something cool.

NICK: That’s very cool.

CAMERON: Ha-ha! My blaster is on stun. That is three successes, two advantages, and a triumph.

NICK: Three successes, two advantages, and a triumph. What’s the crit rating on yours?

CAMERON: Three.

NICK: Okay. How much damage does your gun do?

CAMERON: Nine, so that will be 12 stun damage.

NICK: Wow. Okay. So you’re able to clear both of them off just with the damage alone.

CAMERON: Pew-pew.

NICK: So, what does that look like as you just quickdraw and take these two out before they can do anything? Also, this episode is gonna need some badass like cowboy horse chase music for this part. (laughs)

CAMERON: Yeehaw. So, Karma’s in the backseat and it’s one of the long backseats, we obviously have a convertible speeder since it’s the same one from A New Hope. I’ve had my gun in my lap because it’s normally on my back, so if I’m sitting in the speeder it’s good. I want to use my Quickdraw to unbuckle my seatbelt so I have freedom of movement.

NICK: Oh cool.

CAMERON: So, Xianna waves at the one on the left, and I shoot the one on the right, and then slide to the other side of the backseat and get the one on the left who kind of is waving back slightly, is kind of confused, and then just falls off of his speeder.

NICK: And, you took them out fast enough I don’t have to try to make Selkath noises yet. Thank you for that.

CAMERON: Ah-ha! You’re welcome.

NICK: We definitely have the shot of Tink’s fur blowing straight behind him, Xianna’s lekku are… well, are you sitting on them or are they blowing in the breeze?

LAURA: I mean, they’re probably behind my back, so a little sitting. Yeah.

NICK: Okay. They’re mostly locked down, but Karma stood up so her head tentacles are like flapping behind her, and she quickshots, bam-bam, and down they go. They fall off of their speeders, they go rolling, if you would like you could spend that triumph so that the rest of the group doesn’t notice.

CAMERON: Yup!

NICK: yeah!

CAMERON: Just the stampede is so loud that my blaster fire just blends in, and the bikes just slowly die down and back off so they don’t notice.

NICK: Yeah, and for the first time in Star Wars history the speeder bikes don’t explode into fireballs when someone looks at them funny, which is lucky. You stun those guys, they hit the ground going really fast and they ragdoll around, they may be alive still. Questionable. Hard to tell. They hit pretty hard.

CAMERON: It’s their own fault for falling off of the speeders. I just stunned them.

NICK: Some of the nerfs towards the back see that the two people at the far back herding are gone, and they kind of look up and moo, and the back of the herd starts to trickle past you as they slow down. Your speeder is discouraging the whole herd from stopping but some of them are giving off, so the herd is starting to shrink a little bit. Would y’all like to make a Perception check to kind of see how this situation looks now?

CAMERON: (laughing) Yes. What difficulty would the Perception check be?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average, but there is gonna be a black die on it because of all the dust that’s getting kicked up and because there are nerfs in the way.

HUDSON: That is a wash.

NICK: You got nothing?

HUDSON: Nothing.

NICK: Bummer.

LAURA: What were the black dice for?

NICK: The dust and the amount of nerfs that make it hard to see through.

LAURA: Can I remove one of those because I have my scanner goggles on, so it’s just the nerfs that are the issue?

NICK: Sure. Yeah. You can take the die away then, because –

CAMERON: It was just one black die for the two reasons.

LAURA: Oh, just one? Okay. yeah.

NICK: Yeah. Take it off.

LAURA: And, I need difficulty.

NICK: Yeah, probably.

CAMERON: (snickers) Nah!

NICK: Average.

LAURA: Yeah. Oh my goodness. So that’s… six successes and two threats.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: And Karma got four successes and one threat.

NICK: Okay. We definitely get this really cool shot of Xianna leaning out of the side of the speeder with her scanner goggles on, and she gets a big smile on her face and she starts marking targets. Karma, you’re right there too, you’re using your rifle and looking around. You don’t have a scope on it, but you tend to target. You all are very quickly able to recognize these things: The herd is probably about 90 nerfs. It was about 100, ten of them have started to fall off, but the ones up front haven’t spread out yet so it’s good. It’s kind of like gak in a funnel situation, like it’s gonna go real slow, but… Anyway. That’s not a great metaphor. What you see is there is this big herd ahead of you, at about 10 and 2 o’clock there are two more Selkath on speeders, and then on the 11 and 1 o’clock stage up around towards the very front of the herd there are two groups of four, one on the left and one on the right. That seems to be everybody you can see. They all look like they’re Selkath. They’re variably armed. Most of them have blaster pistols. Yeah, that’s what you’re dealing with. You’ve taken out two so far. If you’re trying to pick up live bounties you’ll have to go find them later.

CAMERON: Yeah. (laughs) Karma leans forward over Tink’ shoulder, hits him on the shoulder so he kind of is aware that she’s there, and then just points right since talking to him apparently does not work.

HUDSON: I swerve right.

NICK: (swoosh noise)

CAMERON: Vroom.

NICK: Go ahead and make me a Piloting check, Tink.

HUDSON: I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without making one.

NICK: Yeah, I’ve been nice so far.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Average. You’re gonna get a series of options based on how you do.

HUDSON: A failure… (pause).

(laughter)

NICK: Well, okay. With a failure you pull up next to this Selkath on the right. You see him pretty easily. You start to maneuver to where you’re right behind him and he can’t see you, and then you hit a bump and you end up pulling up right next to him. He looks at you, and basically his weird fish eyes get real big and he pulls a hold out blaster and tries to shoot you with it before anyone’s able to react, because you hit that bump hard enough that everyone’s jostled a little. Can you make me a one green die against one purple die check?

CAMERON: Sure. An advantage.

NICK: Okay. He shoots and misses, you duck out of the way, and he immediately without seeing whether he hit Tink or the speeder or anything he guns it and he starts to rush up towards one of the bigger groups up front. What do you do?

CAMERON: I wanna shoot him.

NICK: Okay. It’s gonna be medium range, so it’s gonna be an average check, but with two black dice; one for all the dust and how hard it is to see, and another one because this person is on a speedy motorcycle going away from you very fast and he’s ducking low.

CAMERON: Karma takes aim, ha-ha-ha, adds a blue die, and then sighs wistfully thinking of how awesome it’s gonna be to have her upgraded carbine in a few days. I got a success and two advantages, which is 10 stun damage.

NICK: Yeah. You are able to shoot him off. The speeder bike continues to go forward, and I’m gonna say it bumps into the group of four ahead of you, and everybody roll initiative! This is gonna be Vigilance.

CAMERON: (smiling) I’d like my advantages to be so that doesn’t happen.

NICK: We’ll say the advantages are it doesn’t bump them, hang on to the initiative roll, we’re negotiating now. You have…?

CAMERON: (laughs) Sorry. Two advantages.

NICK: Your two advantages are that it goes off to the side. Can you make me a two green versus two purple Perception check on the part of this group of bikers to see if they notice this bike go by?

CAMERON: Do they get a black die because there’s a lot of dust and nerfs?

NICK: They sure do.

LAURA: Also, the groups of four, those are four individual speeders not one?

NICK: Yes.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: To clarify, they are all on speeder bikes, like cool people.

CAMERON: That is a total wash.

NICK: Okay. They don’t notice shit.

CAMERON: Ha-ha!

NICK: What is your game plan now?

LAURA: Xianna’s actually gonna snort some impact, and then pull out her gun…

NICK: That’s gotta be hard to do in a speeding open top car.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: No, no, that’s why they’re in little baggies.

NICK: Okay…

CAMERON: Also, she’s in the front seat. She’s got a windshield right there.

LAURA: Yeah. I’ve got the windshield. That’s why you put it in the little baggie so then you can take the little baggie and put it right up to your nose.

NICK: Oh, like a feedbag, of course.

LAURA: Like a feedbag, but for drugs.

CAMERON: Great. (laughs)

LAURA: Because Xianna is a responsible drug user.

CAMERON: Mmm…

LAURA: (laughs) No, it’s a problem, and this will manifest at some point, but not today.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: And she also draws her gun and shoots at someone.

NICK: You’re shooting at the group up ahead?

LAURA: Whoever is closest, yeah.

NICK: Okay. Right now you’re probably… If you see the nerf herd as the clock in the middle, you’re at about 4 o’clock. There’s a group of four on this side that’s at about 1 o’clock. You could hit them, they’re at about medium range now, or you could try to get Tink to drive you closer first.

LAURA: I might wait for Tink to drive a little bit closer.

NICK: Do you motion for him to do so?

LAURA: Yeah. I have like one hand holding my little baggie and then the other hand is motioning to move forward.

NICK: ‘Get me closer! I wanna use my sword!’

HUDSON: “Grenade?!”

CAMERON: (snickers) Gosh!

LAURA: “(sniffs) No Tink, no, drive closer!”

HUDSON: “Oh! Got it!”

LAURA: “You don’t shoot them! You drive!”

HUDSON: “I said nothing about shooting them!”

CAMERON: Karma says into her coms. “Y’all, just turn your coms on, this isn’t safe.”

HUDSON: “… Oh.”

(laughter)

HUDSON: I turn my coms on. I drive closer.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Piloting check.

HUDSON: Vroom-vroom.

NICK: Average.

LAURA: Vroom-vroom.

NICK: Piloting: Planetary to be specific.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Average.

HUDSON: One advantage.

NICK: Dang. Okay. Would you like to spend your advantage to give her a blue die on her shot?

HUDSON: Ha, yeah.

NICK: Alright. You drive right into the middle of the group of four.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: The two on the edge hear you coming and spread out so you don’t hit them with the speeder, because they are on speeder bikes. If you had succeeded on any of these checks I would have given you the chance to just hit them, like it looked like you were going to, but you haven’t so good job. They spread out. I’m gonna say that Xianna’s gonna get the first shot, but they’re all very fully aware of you at this point. Do you wanna try and shoot some of them?

LAURA: Yeah. I’m gonna try and shoot one.

NICK: Alright. You’re at close range now, but you don’t have any black dice because you’re wearing scanner goggles and because there are no nerfs in between you and these speeder bikers.

LAURA: Close range is one?

CAMERON: Yeah. You should aim and take another blue, too.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I’ll also aim. Three successes, one advantage, so that’s 9 damage.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to take two of them out pretty easily. If there are two on either side of the backseat and two in front of the speeder right now, which two do you shoot?

LAURA: The two in front of the speeder.

NICK: Okay. We get (shooting noises) and they fly off. They hit the front of the speeder and you get a (thump-thump) and then you go over them. The speeder bikes drift off. One of them drifts into the herd of nerfs.

LAURA: “Oh no.”

NICK: It doesn’t explode, but you hear a lot of distressed mooing as they continue to run. The other two see you and are noticeably concerned, obviously, and now we’re gonna roll initiative.

CAMERON: Cool or Vigilance?

NICK: This will be Vigilance at this point, although dang, well executed for the first half of this. That was very impressive.

CAMERON: Ha-ha! Thanks.

LAURA: We got the same roll.

HUDSON: What are the odds~?

LAURA: Hudson and I both have one success and three advantages.

CAMERON: (smiling) You guys… karma also has one success and three advantages. (laughs)

HUDSON: Oh my goodness.

LAURA: (smiling) We’re a team!

HUDSON: We all go at the same time every time.

NICK: Can you roll me two green dice?

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

NICK: Shoosh.

LAURA: That’s the opposite.

NICK: And can you roll me one green die?

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: And can you roll me four green dice?

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: You have all these great advantages for your initiative roll. Is there anything about the situation that you would like to add to make the scene more interesting or give you some, I hate to say, advantages in this fight?

CAMERON: Who all is aware of us right now?

NICK: That speeder that started rolling into the group, that drew their attention.

CAMERON: The other five? The four and the one?

NICK: Mm-hmm. Also we’re down to about 60 nerfs at this point, because they’re starting to fall off. It was only a matter of time before they noticed you.

CAMERON: Okay. We have a lot of advantages.

HUDSON: Yeah. We need to think of some other stuff. They’re on motorcycles, right? Basically space motorcycles.

LAURA: Ooh. Can the nerfs start panicking a little bit more so they’re bumping into their speeders which makes it shaky, so they have black dice?

NICK: On driving over to you? Sure. We can make that happen. They’ll have to make a check to get there and it’s gonna be a not so easy check. You have nine advantages to work with. That one’s gonna be pretty big because it could kill them, so I’ll say that’s five out of the nine. The nerfs are getting aggressive.

HUDSON: Any more advantages we can use?

CAMERON: Four more.

LAURA: What time of day is it?

NICK: It should be noon-ish.

CAMERON: (laughing) yeah. We ate breakfast and then we drove out here.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I mean, I don’t know how long it takes us to eat breakfast.

CAMERON: Several hours.

HUDSON: Can their speeders be like a model that’s really shitty so that the engine and gas tank is very exposed in the back?

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Hell yeah. I’m down for that. Yes, they’re riding like lawnmower type things. It’s just got a glowing thing that says Weak Point on it, Do Not Step.

CAMERON: Everyone who had the really nice speeders are the ones we already shot.

NICK: Yeah. Those were the leaders. So first up is the group that rolled the best, the two NPCs that are on either side of your speeder currently. They look like they’re saying something in Selkath but you can’t hear them over the noise of all of the nerfs.

CAMERON: How convenient.

NICK: Yeah. They both take blaster pistols and they go to shoot at Xianna, because she’s the one that shot at their friends, and it’s gonna be two green dice. We’re using mass combat rules! Well, the mob rules anyway.

CAMERON: Woo! They’re at close range?

NICK: Yup. They get a black die for all the nerf dust. Yeah, roll it up and let’s see what they get.

CAMERON: An advantage!

NICK: Great. They shoot. You all are able to duck and cover in your speeder, because you got a speeder that specifically had things you could hide behind. Smart move. What they do is some of their shots go wide and it makes it very obvious exactly where they are, so they’re gonna give a blue die to whichever NPC group tries to head towards you on their navigation check, because they know exactly where they’re going. Up next we’ve got another NPC slot. This is the group of one. He was one of the vanguard so he’s on the back side of the herd, and he’s going to try and cut straight across to you so he can do it in one movement, and so he is going to have to make a Piloting check. He gets two green and it is going to be an average check. Yup. Why two black dice?

CAMERON: One for nerf dust and one for angry nerfs?

NICK: Yeah. That works. … Aw buddy.

CAMERON: Two failures and three advantages.

NICK: Oh. Okay, so we get this shot from the point of view of this Selkath bandit. He cuts straight through this herd. A lot of them are starting to slow down so you see like vroom, vroom, cut left, cut right, and he’s going straight towards where the blaster fire is happening. You see this massive bull nerf and it appears out of the herd. You just see this giant four-horned yak head coming towards the screen, and then the camera snaps out and you just hear (angry mooing, impact noise), and there’s a little explosion. That guy did not make it. He took a high risk move and failed. Next up we have a PC slot.

HUDSON: I’m gonna keep driving, but don’t use that as a slot.

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: I’m gonna shoot someone.

NICK: Okay!

LAURA: What range would be the closest person to me?

NICK: There are still the two on either side of you that were shooting at you. They are close range. They’re right next to the car. Speeder, my mistake. (singing) There aren’t no cars in Star Wars~

LAURA: I rolled two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: (gasps) I crit!

CAMERON: (gasps)

NICK: Nice! These are mobs, so you can just straight kill one of them with a crit.

LAURA: Yeah. I do 8 damage and then… yeah.

NICK: Well, they have 5 HP a piece, so that takes out both of them.

LAURA: I want it to be that they line up and I aim and shoot and it goes through both of them.

NICK: Wow. Cool.

LAURA: And then I look at Tink and go, ‘Tink! That was really cool. Heh. Did you see that?”

HUDSON: “No, I didn’t see anything. What?”

LAURA: “Ah, damn it, Tink. (whines) It was so cool!”

HUDSON: “Grenades?!”

(laughter)

LAURA: “No! Tink, we are on coms now. What is happening?”

HUDSON: “Oh. I turned it off. (huffs) Okay.”

CAMERON: “Are you serious?”

HUDSON: “It’s on now.”

CAMERON: “Okay…”

NICK: Okay, so, we’re to another PC slot.

HUDSON: I can go.

CAMERON: Xianna just killed the two on either side of us, right? It’s just the four on the opposite side of the nerf clock?

NICK: Yup. There’s just one big group of dudes.

CAMERON: “Tink, can you drive over to those dudes?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, sure!”

CAMERON: Alright. (laughs) You’re gonna have to pilot.

HUDSON: Yeah. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average, but there’s also a black die because there are angry nerfs.

CAMERON: ‘Hey Tink, you’ve got this.’ I give him a Bardic Inspiration.

NICK: Wrong game system~

HUDSON: Crap. I almost took a blue die because I thought you were doing something for reals.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Oh. That’s what… Oh. Yeah. I have one failure and one threat.

NICK: Okay. (laughs) You try to cut in front of the herd and get near the other group, but you get clipped by a couple of nerfs that are still freaking out. One of the side engines starts to smoke and your speeder starts to slow down, and you’re not able to get all the way to them. You’re now in front of the herd slowing down and the herd is starting to Lion King around you, and you’re worried that if you can’t pilot away from there or be very careful that your speeder could potentially get wrecked up and you’re pretty far from town. That would be unfortunate. So, that’s what’s going on with you. Man, you tried to give Bardic Inspiration, I almost told him to mark Potential for failing a roll, this is… We’re playing too much games.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Alright! We’ve got another PC slot.

CAMERON: What range would you say we got to?

NICK: Medium range. You were at long range, but you moved far enough.

CAMERON: Okay. Karma’s gonna shoot at them.

NICK: Okay. They’re in formation.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna aim~

NICK: They’re in formation, and they’re looking at you, and you can tell that they’re kind of talking to themselves trying to figure out how to get close to you.

CAMERON: There’s a black from nerf dust.

NICK: Yup, nerf dust.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages, so that’s only 10 damage.

NICK: You’re able to take out two of them. they’re in a box. Do you take out the two closest to you?

CAMERON: I take out the front and the back one.

NICK: Okay. I think you hit the front one and he falls off and hits the back one, and they tangle up and (explosion noise) and crash. There’s two left. They look very nervous, and they turn and use their NPC slot to just frickin’ boogie. They drive, just, left, just away.

CAMERON: My advantages are that the nerfs are like, ‘oh, all the people are gone, okay, I’m just gonna eat this grass right here,’ and the stampede stops.

NICK: Okay. Yeah. I think they were probably down to like 40 at this point. That’s part of why these two bailed, their payout isn’t worth it anymore because they haven’t captured enough of them. The rest of the nerfs just look around and we get a shot of contented moos as they settle down and go back to eating. We see this long pan shot, we see all of these nerfs that are camera close and they’re chewing and mooing at each other, and then we see two speeder bikes jetting off to the left of the screen and your slightly smoking speeder that’s kind of juttering along also driving along the horizon. We are back up to a PC slot because they used theirs to run. They used their maneuvers. They are currently at long range from you. They’ll be extremely further after this. Do you let them go or are you going after them?

LAURA: “My guns do not reach them, so someone else should shoot them or we drive closer, or we just let them get away. We still have the other ones to turn in and get money off of.”

HUDSON: “I haven’t thrown one grenade.”

CAMERON: “Because we’ve been in a speeder!”

LAURA: “Because you’ve been driving!”

HUDSON: “Ugh. I can do both.”

LAURA: “I mean, you can, but they are too far for grenades.”

HUDSON: I punch it.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Piloting check. This one is average, but with a black die because of your damaged speeder condition.

HUDSON: And a light side point which flipped does something, takes away…

CAMERON: (laughs) Upgrades.

NICK: It will make a green die into a yellow. Oh? Add a green die then.

HUDSON: Two successes.

NICK: hey! That’s enough. You’re able to pull up into… I’m trying to crib vehicle combat. Uh, you are at long range, you can get to medium range, you don’t hit anything… Yeah. That gets you to medium range. You’re keeping pace so far.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna shoot them.

NICK: Alright. Tell me how you set up this great sniper shot in this long speed chase.

CAMERON: Karma’s just been standing in the back of the car, she probably leans down slightly, steps over it to stand into the front seat, and then just leans down on the windshield to take aim and shoots at them. There’s no more black die from nerf dust, correct?

NICK: No. Nerf dust is gone.

CAMERON: Cool.

NICK: Although, you should have a black die because you’re trying to hit two people driving away from you full speed on a speeder.

CAMERON: But we’re going the same direction… Fine.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Doesn’t even matter.

NICK: Please tell me that’s three threats. (half dramatic bass noise)

CAMERON: It is not. It’s only two. Back off.

NICK: Damn.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: I really wanted someone to fall out of the car.

CAMERON: Nope. That is three successes, two threats, and a triumph.

NICK: Nice. We get the (heart beat noise –  deep breath) … pew-pew! And both of them fall off of their speeders. The speeders just keep going into the distance before bumping to a halt. The nerfs have been rescued. Congratulations, you have taken out an entire gang of nerf hustlers on your own. What do you do now?

CAMERON: “Alright. Let’s go get those bodies.”

HUDSON: “Alright. Celebratory ‘nade!” I throw…

(laughter)

CAMERON: “No! Tink! Stop!”

LAURA: ‘Tink! No…”

HUDSON: I throw a grenade as we’re driving off behind us, not in front of us.

LAURA: ‘Tiiink.”

NICK: Okay. (laughs) This makes me happy so you don’t have to roll for it or anything. There’s an explosion, and all of the nerfs moo and start running in all directions. Did you throw a stun or a frag grenade?

HUDSON: Oh… Stun.

NICK: So, it just (pulses). I think it actually stuns a couple of nerfs. They (grunted moo) and they fall over. You need to collect these 12 bodies or at least a majority of them.

CAMERON: No, we’re gonna get all of them.

NICK: You’ll remember that’s what the…LAW officer said. You had to get enough of them to prove that the group was gonna disband. What I need is a perception check to make sure you can track down all the corpses you’ve left scattered over several miles of prairie.

HUDSON: Is this from all of us?

NICK: It’s gonna be one check. People can assist each other.

CAMERON: Xianna’s got the best.

LAURA: Yeah. What’s the difficulty again?

NICK: Average. I would say at least Karma was probably marking where they fell because she’s been in this situation before.

CAMERON: So you get two blue dice from us.

NICK: Because of your Stalker talent? Oh, no, because you’re helping.

CAMERON: No, because we’re helping. Uh… No, my Stalker is on Stealth and Coordination checks. If I’m helping it does take her half the time to track them and we can remove a black die.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: If this is a Streetwise check I can remove a black die.

CAMERON: (laughing) We’re not talking to anybody though. ‘Hey, excuse me nerf, have you seen a Selkath around here?’ (moo)

NICK: And the nerf is like, ‘Are you a nark?’

LAURA: That’s a triumph with a success, five additional successes, and two threats.

NICK: Okay. We’ll say the threats are that a bunch of these people died falling off the speeders. They got pretty crunched up. Still identifiable, but you didn’t have a bloodless victory here. Some of them got pretty messed up. Turns out if you throw somebody bodily off of a speeding motorcycle that it doesn’t always go well.

LAURA: “Wait. Were we supposed to bring them in alive?”

CAMERON: “Dead or alive.”

LAURA: “Okay! Um… Whatever.”

NICK: It was dead or alive. So, with all your successes and things, Xianna, you are very easily able to go, ‘Zere is one here, and here, and here,’ and I think you mark on everybody’s data pads exactly where they are and you’re able to scoop them back up. Is there anything you would want to spend that triumph on specifically?

LAURA: Ooh. Um… They have cool things in their pockets!

NICK: Yeah. I think they have some cool things in their pockets. You’re able to recover some blasters. I think you probably just collect like a flat sum of money.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: You find 500 Credits combined in their pockets. I think because you’re the one who rolled you probably find the 500 Credits.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I imagine what we do is we stop the speeder, and not-Xianna puts them on the back of the speeder, but Xianna will like reach into their pockets and take everything out while they’re loading up the bodies.

NICK: It takes an hour or two. We’re getting into afternoon now. We get a good shot of the speeder. It’s kind of floating up and down and juttering a little because of the damage it’s taken, but we get this nice silhouette shot of Karma and Tink tossing bodies onto the back of this speeder in a big pile and Xianna rifling through their pockets ahead of time. You’re able to gather all 12 of them up. You don’t have any issues whatsoever. The nerfs don’t bother you.

CAMERON: Were any of the bikes still in working order when we found them?

NICK: Yeah, four of them were.

CAMERON: Cool. I’m trying to figure out if we can tow them.

NICK: If you can figure out a way to try to get them back to town…

CAMERON: We can get at least one back if Karma drives it.

HUDSON: Why would Xianna be able to?

CAMERON: Well, Xianna’s agile, you could drive one too.

LAURA: I mean, I have some agile… Yes.

NICK: But it’s also just puttering back to town. Do you think Xianna has driven a speeder bike before?

LAURA: I mean probably, she’s just not super great at it.

NICK: Can she REMEMBER driving a speeder bike before?

LAURA: Probably. There’s probably a time she actually remembers driving one. (laughs)

CAMERON: It’s okay. Karma just went through the driver’s ed book with the boys for speeders so she can help out. (laughs)

NICK: Okay. Tink drives the big speeder back to town, Karma and Xianna each take a speeder bike for bonus, and we’re gonna go just quick montage smash through this. You’re able to go back to town, drop off your speeder, luckily your insurance covers the damage.

CAMERON: Ha-ha!

HUDSON: Yay! “We hit a bird.”

NICK: (laughs) The guy’s like, “Well, that seems to happen a lot when people that well-armed take my speeders out.”

HUDSON: “Yep. Those birds can be dangerous, you know.”

CAMERON: “If you think we’re well-armed now… (laughs)”

NICK: Yeah. I did that out of order, because first you have to drop off the bodies.

CAMERON: Yeah. I don’t wanna carry them. (laughs)

LAURA: Oh yeah.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: You swing by the LAW… office, and we get this classic western shot that they do a lot of the wagon coming into town with all of the bounties piled really high on it, so people are stopping and staring, but the atmosphere is pretty celebratory. ‘Nobody likes a nerf hustler, especially not these nerf herders,’ and everybody knows about the Slippery Nerfs. You’re able to drop them off with the bounty officer who pays you 2,000 immediately and thanks you for your time. “Thank you so much for what you’ve done for Nerftown. I really hope you choose to stick around a while. You’ve been wildly successful.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. This is just a Tuesday.”

NICK: (laughs) So, the stunned ones go in a jail cell in the back, the dead ones go in a pile in the backyard, and you’re able to drop off your speeder, and…

CAMERON: “You interested in buying some bikes?”

NICK: Are you talking to the rental guy?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: ‘I might be able to put a few things together. These are particularly shitty though.” Because the nice ones blew up. (laughs)

CAMERON: No, there were at least two of them, for the first two that we killed, that just drifted back before we said that the rest of them were shitty.

NICK: Fine. They’re decent speeders.

CAMERON: (laughs) Okay.

NICK: “I can’t pay you full price, but I’ll make it worth your while, unless of course you want to keep them.” He offers you 500 apiece.

CAMERON: Would they fit on our ship?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: They’d super fit.

CAMERON: Okay. Do we want speeders?

NICK: Speeders are worth more than 500. You have so much storage space.

LAURA: Yeah. We have rooms that I haven’t even labeled yet.

NICK: You could make a motor pool.

CAMERON: Cool. We’re gonna have a speeder room!

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Nineteen can be speeder room…

CAMERON: Nineteen is speeder room! Yay!

LAURA: …because it’s right by the entrance ramp with the exception of the wine/popsicle cellar.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Cool. “Never mind. I’ll think on it.”

NICK: “Yeah. That was a pretty bad deal.”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh.”

NICK: He just turns and shakes his head sadly at the speeder and kicks at it, and it goes )power down noises) and drops to the ground. “Great…”

CAMERON: Totally worth that 25 Credits. (laughs)

HUDSON: We turned in the bounty though before this?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

HUDSON: Okay. Cool.

NICK: “There’s a lot of blood stains on the back here in the cargo compartment.”

HUDSON: “We bought the insurance, pops!”

NICK: (laughs) “Right. Right. None of my business.” And you’re able to leave. Do you celebrate your successful day? By now it’s early evening.

CAMERON: It swipe cuts to all of us just eating ice cream cones.

NICK: Oh yeah.

LAURA: Yeah!

CAMERON: Because we promised Xianna ice cream.

LAURA: Xianna was promised ice cream! Heh. If she had to do work she wanted ice cream.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

HUDSON: I’m enjoying my ice cream cone.

LAURA: What flavor is it?

HUDSON: Pistachio.

CAMERON: This is after we drop the speeders off in the ship.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Karma’s eating lime ice cream, so it’s green and it matches her.

NICK: I think when you drop the speeders off the mechanic who’s working on your ship is there late and just sees you going to the ship with new speeders—

CAMERON: Zubo?!

NICK: Zubo—putting speeders on and then high-fiving and walking away, and he just shakes his head and then goes back to tinkering with something. Yeah, so you’re all eating ice cream. Are you just sitting on a curb on the side of the road eating ice cream?

LAURA: Yes.

HUDSON: yes.

CAMERON: We’re watching all of the speeders go by and we’re each counting a specific color of speeder.

HUDSON: From far away you can just hear, (singing) Lida Rose I’m home, GGG!

(laughter)

LAURA: No!

NICK: Because they’re a barber shop quartet apparently. Oh boy.

LAURA: No! Anyway! Xianna is eating an ice cream cone! … it is salted caramel. (laughs)

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: We’re not talking about any sort of singing. There’s no singing!

NICK: I’m gonna seize plot control here for a second. We get this nice view of the three of you walking back, walking down one of the wooden boardwalks on the side of the road. You’re talking to each other and you’re having a grand old time, and someone reaches out of an alley, I think Tink is walking behind Xianna and Karma, and grabs Tink and pulls him into the alley, and throws a large furry hand over his mouth. You hear a voice say, “Take a deep smell of this, brother.” Flip me one of those last dark side points… and Tink’s unconscious.

CAMERON: Uh-oh.

NICK: That’s all he remembers. Xianna and karma, you walk to the bed and breakfast and you’re greeted by the owner who gave you your breakfast that morning. “Good to have you back for another night, sweeties, but where’s your tall furry friend?”

CAMERON: “Huh?”

NICK: You look around and Tink is nowhere to be found.

LAURA: “Oh… Huh. Weird. Well I’m going to go to sleep now.”

CAMERON: “Alright… I’ll see you in the morning.” Karma’s gonna go back out and slink down and see if she can figure out where Tink was lost. (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You do that. We get the montage of Karma looking down alleys and things.

CAMERON: She’s like opening comically small trash cans that Tink definitely would not be in.

NICK: (laughs) Yeah. You make your way back to close to the space port part, and you see a shuttle lift off. It doesn’t look like an official transport shuttle. You’re like, ‘hmm, interesting.’

CAMERON: is it green?

NICK: It does have green stripes.

CAMERON: “(gasps) Oh no!”

NICK: And we cut to Tink. You wake up tied to a chair.

HUDSON: “Whoa. What?”

NICK: A low hum around you tells you that you’re on a ship and you’re underway probably in space. In front of you are four large Gigorans. Three of them have green streaks in their fur and the largest is completely green, a light pleasant color. The largest Gigoran leans forward in his chair and sets his hand on the table in front of him. You can see a brand on the back of his left hand in the shape of a Mandalorian crest. He makes eye contact with you. His black eyes don’t blink. Then he smiles. “So I hear you’re looking for work.” End of episode!

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Da-naaa~!

OTHERS: Da-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 22:

We Don’t Talk About Wookie Fight Club

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

I have to tell you friends, it’s good to be podcasting this week. We’ve been having a blast, and on top of that we got two new iTunes reviews. Richard KL, dude, thanks for the review! We talk with Richard fairly regularly on Twitter and he’s a super cool guy. We also received a very kind review from Jules Cunningham. Jules said some very kind things about the squad and our show and it made us all smile. Thank you Jules! Anyone else who likes the show and wants to support us, run on over to iTunes and give us five stars. If that’s not your thing, check us out on Twitter at @Tabletop_Squad.

Music this episode is Hard Fight by Manuel Senfft and FeRiaN by Phillip Gross.

With that done, we hope you enjoy the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 22 of Tabletop Squadron, your favorite Star Wars shopping podcast. I am your host and game master, Nick. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody say who they are, who they’re playing, and that’s it. Start with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson. I play Tink a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Oh boy. Up next we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hi, I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Sweet.

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I’m Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get started let’s go ahead and do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LAURA: One light side.

CAMERON: Two light side, one dark side!

NICK: Great. Last time the crew did a lot of things, got a lot of their checklist done for their downtime here; got their ship started on getting repaired, got their medical conditions treated, mostly wounds, bought some drugs, bought some weapons, upgraded some weapons, bought some grenades which are also weapons, bought some stim packs, got some scanner goggles replaced, realized that there’s an old acquaintance here, went to a bounty office, got some bounties… lots of stuff. Just really tearing up Nerftown, just having a grand old time.

The last episode ended with you all leaving the weapon shop having dropped a bunch of your weapons off to be upgraded and the crew deciding to head back to the ship, so we’ll pick it up there. I think everybody is standing around one of the tables in the main receiving area of the Afternoon Delight. Actually, they’re probably on top of the hot tub with the lid over it. The vase of flowers that’s affixed to the top has been moved off to the side, and everybody has their haul spread out and they are either putting stuff away for storage or affixing it to various places on their kit. The camera also looks over the shoulder past the crew to a closet dramatically and zooms in to show a droid with rusty red armor tucked back behind some coats, and then snaps back to you all.

So, what’s going on?

LAURA: Xianna’s putting the grenades in her pockets, and getting her new scanner goggles, and then at some point she takes her little tote bag and goes, “Um, I’m going to, um, put these ones away in my room. Okay bye~!” and scurries off to her room and closes the door. Probably as it closes you hear her go (claps twice) and then just disco music starts playing.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: I bet there’s a fun Star Wars word for disco.

CAMERON: Probably.

NICK: Jizco!

LAURA: (laughing) Jizco.

CAMERON: Oh no. (chuckles)

NICK: Yeah. We get a shot of Xianna. Her bed is slowly rotating. There’s a disco ball shining lights everywhere. There’s happy music playing. I’m assuming you’re refilling your little snuff box.

LAURA: Yeah. I’m going to keep 8 doses in the little box, and then keep my other…

NICK: You had 30 doses there.

LAURA: Well I already had 6, so I ended up with 36, so 36 minus 8 is 28, right? Yeah.

NICK: Good math! Eights are hard.

CAMERON: (laughing) It even had 8s in it, yeah. I was impressed.

LAURA: Yeah. I’m gonna keep 8 doses in my box and then 28 on the ship. I’m probably gonna hide them in various places around my room, not anywhere specific, just like a few under the mattress, a few inside the disco ball, a few in a closet, a few are gonna get wrapped up in plastic and stuck somewhere in the refresher. Also, I still have that box with that weird mask in it.

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: It doesn’t quite fit on my face. I do while moving it kind of put it on my face again, just trying to decide if I like it or not, but it doesn’t quite fit.

NICK: As you put it on your face the camera zooms in. We see your eyes and then the mask comes up over it, and the space ship bass noise that it makes happens (low rumbles), and you put it on and we can see Xianna trying to adjust it, kind of rolling her eyes a little bit, and it gets louder, and then you take it off and it just cuts back to normal and the disco music is playing in the background. (hums a disco beat)

LAURA: (hums a disco beat)

NICK: Hmm. Wonder what’s going on with that. While she’s doing that, Tink and Karma, you’re in the lobby of the ship getting organized. What are you keeping on the ship? What are you taking with you?

CAMERON: Karma puts probably half of her stim packs in her bag with her extra battery pack, and then sets the emergency repair patches to the side, because we don’t have a droid with us yet, and then tosses the emergency med pack in her backpack, grabs the med pack and takes it into the bedroom that we’ve been using for our infirmary, and then heads to her room and comes back with a carbine. (laughs)

NICK: Oh yeah, because you had multiples of those.

CAMERON: Because I had an extra carbine, so I re-arm myself.

NICK: That’s the one you were talking about selling, right?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Okay, but you have it for now.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Tink, what are you doing with your stuff?

HUDSON: I load two frag grenades and two stun grenades into my utility belt. I take my light blaster and store it as well, because I have a light blaster. I think I picked it up in a previous adventure.

CAMERON: You have an Imperial one that I gave you on Unroola Dawn, or from Unroola Dawn, I don’t know when I gave it to you.

HUDSON: Yes. I load all that, also two stim packs. I walk over to the refresher and I clean off my face that is covered in red popsicle that is now dried.

NICK: Great. That’s probably sticky and uncomfortable.

HUDSON: Not anymore, it’s washed off.

NICK: Okay. You cleaned your face. Good. You have stashed your stuff. Xianna, were you taking impact or just hiding it?

LAURA: Just hiding it.

NICK: Cool. You are able to leave the ship. You had a couple leads on some bounties. You also had directions to the bar district if you wanted to relax. Several of you had mentioned wanting to go to maybe some of the less savory places to buy things.

LAURA: Yeah, that’s Xianna’s plan.

HUDSON: Me too.

CAMERON: “Before we head out, while we’re getting the ship fixed, we have an opportunity here to upgrade it if there’s anything we think we want.”

HUDSON: “Streamers.”

LAURA: “A second Jacuzzi.”

CAMERON: “I feel like y’all are not thinking… I’m talking like things that would assist the ship in fighting better, or not getting hit as bad, or not being seen.”

LAURA: “Little fire decals on the side. Yes.”

HUDSON: “That’ll scare them.”

LAURA: “To make the ship go faster. Heh.”

CAMERON: “We did discuss a paintjob. They’re gonna do a wash first after they do the repair, we’re gonna see how the decal lasted, but a new paintjob is a thing that we discussed if it’s not salvageable.”

LAURA: “Okay, but we are keeping the pin-up girl, right?”

CAMERON: “Depending on how she’s doing. If it’s severely damaged we may have to paint over her if it got messed up enough. I don’t think it did, but it’s pretty dirty, so we shall see.”

LAURA: “Okay. I guess we can always get a new pin-up girl.”

HUDSON: “As far as upgrades go, I would say something to protect the ship a little bit more. What are we talking here? What are our options?”

CAMERON: “There are so many options. The one I was thinking would be most beneficial would be night shadow coating to make us harder to see, because that would have come in handy with the blockade when we were trying to leave.”

HUDSON: “Ohh.”

LAURA: “Would make us more sneaky.”

HUDSON: “Pretty sneakyyy.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. This ship does not… fly well.”

LAURA: “We are a party boat.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I not need to fly well, it just needs to fly!”

CAMERON: “I know, it does fly, we don’t need to fly well, but if we’re sneaking past a blockade we can’t do real fancy flying to evade things, so not being seen in the first place could be useful.”

LAURA: “Yes. Probably.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. That’s what I’m thinking.”

HUDSON: “I could agree on that.”

LAURA: “Uh-huh. Okay. So who is going to pay for that?”

CAMERON: “I was thinking we’d split it.”

LAURA: “Umm…”

HUDSON: “That sounds like a great idea.”

LAURA: “How much per person would that be…?”

CAMERON: Would it be per cost from the book?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: “Because I already spent a few thousand already, and I have more things to buy, so…”

CAMERON: “I mean, same here. I paid to fix the damn ship already when y’all skipped out to go get Tink’s knee repaired.”

LAURA: “Yeah, but that tote bag was 3,000, and it’s a very nice tote bag. Heh.”

CAMERON: “That was a mistake on your part apparently.”

LAURA: “I don’t know. I did buy it from a doctor, so I don’t know how much of a mistake that could be.”

CAMERON: “It would be 3,500 Credits.”

LAURA: “Per person?!”

CAMERON: “No, not per person, dear lord.”

LAURA: “I do not know what ships cost.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “yeah, I was about to… I did big old eyes as well. I was like whaaat.”

CAMERON: “No. That’s the total, so you’d split that.”

HUDSON: “That doesn’t split evenly, does it?”

LAURA: “Uh, 3,5000 divided by 3…”

HUDSON: “Hold on. Let me get out my calculator—my space calculator.”

CAMERON: The calculator you have in your stomach? (laughs)

LAURA: “…is 1,000; 500 divided by 3…”

HUDSON: “That’s 1,166.666666666666667.”

CAMERON: (snickers)

LAURA: “Okay. I was rounding. I was just going to say AROUND 1,200…”

HUDSON: “I just did as well. Did you not hear the end of my number?”

CAMERON: (laughs) Oh my gosh.

LAURA: “yes. That is much better. I’m not good at math.”

HUDSON: “So, 1,167. That throws in a tip for them of like 3 Credits.”

LAURA: “Okay. Sure. Fine. I could have bought new toes. No, I wasn’t going to buy the new toes anyways. Who am I kidding?”

CAMERON: Alright. We go down and I tell Zubo.

NICK: You swing by Zubo and you say you want the night shadow coating. What does that do mechanically?

CAMERON: Mechanically that will reduce the range band of enemy ships’ passive sensors by 1 for detecting vessels with the coating, so it’ll just make us harder to see.

NICK: Cool. That’s like a paintjob, so.

LAURA: There’s also a secondary mod option. I don’t know if to do that, since we’re not the ones actually rolling, if that’s just…

NICK: It would just cost a little more. What’s the secondary mod option?

CAMERON: You can reduce the ship’s Silhouette by 1 in combat.

NICK: Ooh, that’s cool.

CAMERON: Which we probably actually want, because we’re Silhouette 5. We’re large.

LAURA: Yeah. How much would it be to do one of the secondary mods?

NICK: What’s the difficulty on the mod? Does it say?

LAURA: What is it to do a mod? Um…

CAMERON: It says 1, reduce the ship’s Silhouette. (laughs)

NICK: I think it’s per mod that you add it gets harder, and the ship doesn’t have any, so I’ll say another 1,000 Credits to do the extra mod. Pricy, but that’s super useful.

CAMERON: “Alright. If it was 4,500 what would the total be, Tink?” (laughs)

NICK: That one is very easy math.

HUDSON: “1,500 each.”

LAURA: “Okay. Sure.”

CAMERON: Okay. We do both.

NICK: Okay. You have the modded night shadow coating. That’s cool.

CAMERON: Close the ship sheet in there so I remember to update the ship.

NICK: Yeah. You go tell Zubo, and he’s like “Great!” and one of those little bonky droids with the nose comes out with a giant spray gun the size of itself and starts walking towards the ship. We get you all walking back into town. You are looking for something a little less legal I think.

LAURA: Yeah, Xianna’s gonna want to use that Streetwise and Street Smarts to try and find some underground dealings.

NICK: Okay. It’ll be an average check. This place isn’t super worried about the… LAW, and I don’t even have black dice for you because you’ve already started talking to people about stuff. You’re already becoming known, but like anonymously.

LAURA: That is…

NICK: Three successes and two advantages?

LAURA: Yes.

HUDSON: Welcome to Underground Market-o-Mart.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

NICK: Yeah. I think you walk back to the town square and you’re kind of putting your finger on your lips tapping it, thinking, and you’re looking around going, “If I were an underground illegal market for commodities and illicit dealings, where would I look?” And you see the Shistavanen doctor from earlier wearing a brown cloak, and he throws up the hood and his ears poke out through two holes in the hood, and he walks down an alleyway. You see some other people looking kind of shady going the same direction, so you head that way.

LAURA: “Oh look, our doctor. We are going to go that way.”

NICK: You head down an alleyway to a less traveled part of town and there is a hill that goes up, and there’s houses and stuff built over the hill, but you see a house that looks built into the side of the hill. There is a very dingy looking Duros leaning against the doorway of this house. He’s wearing just a shirt and some pants with a wide brimmed hat, but he looks very dirty and beat up and tired. He looks up, and I think your advantage is he goes, “Oh yeah, you’re the right kind of people. Go right in.”

LAURA: “Thank you~”

NICK: He holds open the door and you walk in, and it immediately opens up under the hill in a big cavern that’s lit up with glow lights and things. There are several people. There aren’t any stalls or anything, but there are groups of people standing around, and people standing on boxes holding up items, and you can see them being like ‘Glitterstim! Get your glitterstim!” And a lot of people will be like, “Me! Me! Me!” Somebody floating in the group just a little bit. You see other people with, ‘Get your disrupter rays here! All of your very, very illegal disrupter rays! Right here at Disrupter Rays Emporium.” Oh, it’s so good. I am so great.

CAMERON: (sighs, laughs)

NICK: So yeah, it’s an open market where people are just calling out what they have.

CAMERON: Is anybody calling out the outlaw tech data breaker?

LAURA: Or a shadow cloak?

HUDSON: (merchant/auctioneer voice) ‘Get your outlaw tech data breakers here~!’

LAURA: I imagine we would just mingle around in the crowd until we find what we’re looking for.

NICK: Yeah. What does a shadow cloak do?

LAURA: A shadow cloak basically cloaks you, and is shadowy…

CAMERON: Whaaat? (laughs)

LAURA: It does a few different things.

NICK: It boosts your Stealth, I’m imagining?

LAURA: Not so much. Ugh. Which book is it in?

HUDSON: It’s like on the History Channel when they’re doing something and they don’t want to reveal their identity, so they turn black and their voice goes (rumble, rumble).

LAURA: Yeah. It masks your face, and your body… I think it’s in Fly Casual, actually.

HUDSON: It’s in Fly Casual. It’s gonna be about Page 49.

NICK: I’m gonna be very impressed if it was Page 49.

LAURA: Yes. It is Page 49.

NICK: Wow!

LAURA: Hudson has it written.

HUDSON: I looked at Page 48 written for appraiser’s eye, and I was like, it’s right beside there.

NICK: Oh.

LAURA: When activated, a shadow cloak generates a field of concealing darkness around its user causing him to appear as nothing more than a black mass of shadows even in bright light. In addition to hiding the user from sight the shadow cloak field also baffles most sensors and scanners, and distorts the user’s voice.

NICK: Huh.

LAURA: It is relatively static and inflexible once activated, so you can’t be running around because it’s very localized. You can really only use it for about an hour. It would be useful if you’re going past a small section of cameras or if you’re meeting someone and you don’t want them to know who you are.

NICK: Cool. I think as you’re walking around you actually see someone who’s selling illegal pets, so really rare and exotic animals that you shouldn’t be trafficking around because they may or may not make people sick. They’re selling those, and they’re just a mass of shadows, and their voice is coming out, (low and rumbled) “Illegal pets. Get your illegal pets. All of the illegal pets. This guinea pig has wings~” and they’re wearing a shadow cloak.

CAMERON: Whoa…

LAURA: Or do I want a flesh camouflage set…?

HUDSON: It sounded like you said ‘flesh’ camouflage set.

CAMERON: That IS what she said.

HUDSON: Ew.

LAURA: That is what I said. It camouflages your skin and makes you look like a different person.

CAMERON: You do need a sample donated from the person you’re trying to look like.

LAURA: Yeah, but you don’t have to look like an actual person.

CAMERON: Yeah. You can obscure your genetic sequence or mimic one of another person.

LAURA: Yeah. So Xianna’s going to go up to ask about the shadow cloak, and then hears someone selling flesh camouflage set, and she’s like “oh, but or do I want that…? Oh. Tink! Tink, which one do I want? Karma, which one do I want? Do I want the flesh camouflage set or do I want the shadow cloak? Do I want to be… I mean, ugh. They both have their pros and cons. The camouflage set would make me look like a different person, but that means I have to actually look like a specific person, I have to think about that, think which kind of person I want to look like. I do not think that can change the fact that I’m a Twi’lek.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I don’t think it could get rid of your head tails. (laughs) You could LOOK like you didn’t have head tails.”

LAURA: “I could look like an orange Twi’lek, or like a red Twi’lek, or a blue Twi’lek… any of the other colors. Heh.”

HUDSON: “So, do you want to be cool or a chump?”

LAURA: “I want to be cool~ Tink!”

HUDSON: “Get the shadow cloak. Duh.”

LAURA: “No, I am going to go get the flesh camouflage set. Okay.” (laughs)

HUDSON: Because I suggested one, isn’t it?

LAURA: Yeah. (laughs) She then runs over to the person selling the flesh camouflage set. They’re the same price anyway.

NICK: Okay. The person selling it basically has—Is there a descriptor of what the actual set looks like? Is it a box?

CAMERON: It’s essentially like a disguise kit.

LAURA: Is essentially a comprehensive disguise kit, allowing the user to temporarily but dramatically change his appearance and even foil bio scanners. It’s a set of items.

NICK: Okay. Cool. So it’s a box, it’s got some gak in it. The person demonstrates. They take a hair off of somebody walking by who’s like “hey,” “shut up,” and they put it in the gak and slap it on them, and you can see the skin tone changing as it goes up and then they scrape it off real quick and put it back. “Yeah, pretty standard. I got about three left.” Someone walks by and does a credit transfer. “Got about two left.”

LAURA: “I’m buying one~ Me!”

NICK: “Okay, to the purple Twi’lek. One for you.”

LAURA: And I buy one.

NICK: So you now have one of those goodies. I think while that’s all going on there is a flashing screen towards the back of this cavern that just says ‘TECH, TECH, TECH’ all over it. There’s a Chadra-Fan standing on several boxes that’s just chittering in a high pitch voice, but it draws Tink’s attention.

HUDSON: “Ooh!”

NICK: “Did you want something?”

HUDSON: “Oh yes, I would like an outlaw data breaker please.”

NICK: “Alright, but first you have to answer me this riddle.”

LAURA: Answer me~

HUDSON: “Ah, riddle me this.”

NICK: “Exactly. You’re the right kind of guy. I will sell this to you, but here you have to answer a riddle to be eligible to buy. The riddle is: What gets bigger the more you take away?”

HUDSON: Light side point!

(laughter)

LAURA: Xianna’s making some hand gestures thinking things out, and those hand gestures are not appropriate to say back onto a podcast.

CAMERON: Karma’s like, “Oh, I’ve got it.”

HUDSON: “Oh? What is it?”

CAMERON: “Do you… Do you not know?”

NICK: You’re so smart though.

CAMERON: “You’re so smart!”

NICK: “You seem so smart.”

CAMERON: You gotta use your Cunning for riddles, though. That’s the problem.

HUDSON: Can I roll?

NICK: Sure!

(laughter)

LAURA: (whispering) “Tink! Tink!”

HUDSON: “What?”

LAURA: “It’s a—“

CAMERON: “Don’t tell him. Shh!”

LAURA: “But I think I know it!”

CAMERON: “He’s gonna figure it out. Let’s give him a chance.”

HUDSON: What do I roll for this?

NICK: I like Cunning.

HUDSON: Just straight Cunning?

NICK: I like the idea that riddles are Skulduggery.

HUDSON: Still.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Maybe Knowledge, Education… or Lore!

NICK: This one’s easy. Ooh, no, we’re Cunning. This is a smart brain.

HUDSON: Skulduggery.

NICK: Yup.

HUDSON: Three successes and one threat.

NICK: Okay. There are multiple answers. You pick the one that’s less classic. You say ‘debt,’ and he goes “Exactly! Good job. You’re obviously the right kind of person. You said you wanted an outlaw tech data breaker, did you?”

HUDSON: “yes!”

NICK: He holds it up and it’s a screen and on the backside it looks kind of like a microchip where it’s got all the plugs that go into it, but it also has a little port for the like R2D2 hacking prong. “Yup. I got this right here. I’ll sell it to you for the going rate.” He spins it on one finger.

HUDSON: “1,000 Credits then.”

NICK: “Is that the going rate?”

HUDSON: “Yes.”

NICK: “Is it actually?”

LAURA: Is it actually?

NICK: I feel like it’s more expensive than that.

CAMERON: I was just looking at it.

HUDSON: 1,000, it’s on Page 186 if you wanna—

CAMERON: Confirmed.

NICK: I’m very impressed with your notes.

LAURA: But then again, the camouflage set and the shadow cloak were 2,500.

CAMERON: Yeah. It’s only 1,000.

NICK: Oh. That’s a super good item.

LAURA: Yeah. Prices don’t always make sense.

CAMERON: The thing with those, the prices aren’t super high but the rarity is really high.

NICK: They’re hard to find. Well, you found one. “Alright, 1,000 Credits to the man with the crippling debt. Wonderful.”

LAURA: “I was going to say hole, like if you have a hole in the ground and you take some away it gets bigger!”

CAMERON: “Yup. That is the classic answer to that riddle. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Yes! Uh-huh.”

NICK: “Ah-ho!”

HUDSON: “Learn something new every day.”

NICK: As you’re leaving, you can hear the tech guy saying, “Ah yes. What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night?”

Someone’s like, “A sick rancore.”

He’s like, “You got it!”

LAURA: “Oh yes, yes, a sick rancore. Uh-huh.”

NICK: As you look around this cavern with all the market and stuff you can tell that’s the main floor, but off to the side you can see a concession stand kind of bar place set up, and there’s a hallway that leads further in and you can hear the sounds of fighting from that direction. That’s what’s going on here.

LAURA: “Do we want to go see a fight?”

HUDSON: “I could go for a fight.”

LAURA: “I mean, I’m not sure if it is a pre-arranged fight that you sit and watch and bet on or if it is just a normal fight going on.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, okay. I’m gonna go talk to the bartender.”

LAURA: “Okay Tink, let’s go see a fight.”

HUDSON: “Okay!”

LAURA: “Let’s go!”

NICK: And we split.

LAURA: Ha-ha!

NICK: We’ll go to the bartender first. It’s a droid.

HUDSON: Linovo Jimmerson.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: Linovo Jimmerson.

NICK: I like that name a lot, actually.

CAMERON: If it’s a droid I don’t want to talk to it.

NICK: Okay, then it’s not a droid.

CAMERON: Because I want information on the bounties.

NICK: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: So I’m looking for a gossip bartender.

LAURA: I mean, droids can be gossips. That’s droidist. Heh.

HUDSON: Beep-boop, gossip droid.

NICK: Let’s do this. You walk over, and as you get closer it turns around and you can see it’s a droid with four long spindly arms. Each arm has a shaker built into the wrist, and it’s assembling a bunch of drinks. It’s the Profix120, a common bartending model, and it’s shaking up stuff. It has the round kind of head like L3-37 does in Solo. It’s shaking drinks, and you go ‘Ugh. A droid? How am I supposed to gossip with a droid?’ And leaning against the bar is a green Twi’lek that looks kind of familiar, and she has Sabacc suits tattooed into her lekku. “Oh, were you looking for a gossip? Because I do that fairly well.”

CAMERON: “I was actually.”

NICK: “You look familiar. Have we met before?”

CAMERON: “So do you. You were… You used to work in a casino on a herdship.”

NICK: She looks kind of haunted for a second. “Yeah. I did used to work on Ithor.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “and then you also had a job on Mustafar recently.”

NICK: “Yeah. That didn’t go well.”

CAMERON: “No! It wasn’t great for us either.”

NICK: “How come every time you end up somewhere everything goes, pardon the language, but lekku up really fast?”

CAMERON: “You know, I have no earthly idea. It is something we’re trying to avoid.”

NICK: No earthly idea?

CAMERON: No alderaanian idea. (laughter) I had this same conversation on Twitter earlier.

NICK: (smiling) I know, and that’s why I caught it.

LAURA: No planet-ly idea.

CAMERON: I have no alderany idea.

NICK: No planetary idea?

LAURA: No planetary idea!

CAMERON: I like Alderany idea.

NICK: Of Alderany.

CAMERON: Nope.

NICK: Okay. Heh.

LAURA: Alderaanian.

CAMERON: “But we were trying to avoid it. It’s not the best.”

NICK: “No but, you know, that’s all behind us. I’m really a fan.”

CAMERON: “it’s lovely to see you again. I’m glad that you both made it off the herdship and off Mustafar with all the fighting and stuff that happened.”

NICK: Yeah. She cracks her knuckles and kind of flexes her neck. “Well, I can take care of myself. I’ve gotten out of scrapes before and I’m sure I will again. You’re not planning on blowing up Engebo5, are you? If that’s the case I’d really like a head start.”

CAMERON: “That is not the plan. No.”

NICK: “That inspires confidence.”

CAMERON: “Yeah… Anyway! I’m Karma.”

NICK: “Oh, hi. I’m Nola. Nice to actually meet you.”

CAMERON: “(smiling) yes! So, I was looking for a gossip.”

NICK: “Well my fees are quite standard.” She actually takes a drink from the bartender and slides it down the bar, and you can see someone who’s leaning against the bar press a button and a little counter on her belt beeps. “Yep, mostly the service industry, but I do pretty well doing informant work, so.”

CAMERON: “I’m looking into several bounties while we’re here getting our ship fixed, but being relatively new to the area I have no idea where I should start, so I’m starting here.”

NICK: “Oh. I haven’t been here for long, but I’ve picked up some things from time to time. Who are you looking into specifically?”

CAMERON: “Well, my top three are the Slippery Nerfs…”

NICK: “Heh.”

CAMERON: “yeah. The GGGs, or Limaden.”

NICK: “Limaden? Uh… I wouldn’t go for him. I saw him get gunned down here yesterday actually.”

CAMERON: “Oh okay, nice to know.”

NICK: “Yeah. I mean, if you can figure out where they buried him you might get half price, but that’s gonna be more effort than it’s worth.”

CAMERON: “Hmm. Yeah.”

NICK: “So you’re looking for the Slippery Nerfs, heh, or what was the other one?”

CAMERON: “The Green Gregarious Gigorans.”

NICK: “Oh. Let’s just call them GGG, I think it’s easier.”

CAMERON: “That is what I did the first time.”

NICK: “Yep. So, the Slippery Nerfs are on planet. I think they tend to hang out to the north, if you know what I mean.” She smiles to herself.

LAURA: Somewhere Xianna’s like, “(gasps) Someone made a dirty pun! (whispers) I feel it! It was as if no one laughed… (laughter) and then suddenly silence!”

NICK: (groans and laughs) ‘They tend to hang out to the north. They have speeder bikes. They move pretty fast. They’re gonna be hard to track down quietly. If you scan from the air you could probably find them without too much trouble. The GGGs, they’re not on planet right now. They’re actually out running a job. They’re trying to take down a merchant shipment. You might be able to head them off, maybe stop, that one might be a lot of money because you could get a rescue reward as well as the bounty if you take enough of them in. One thing I will say, the… LAW here does tend to reward proportionally for these gang ones. You will have to bring enough of them in to prove you’ve disbanded it, so that is a little harder, but you seem pretty experienced.” She winks at you.

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm. Do you know if there is timing on them coming back, where I might want to be if they were to come back?”

NICK: “You know, they’ve been gone for a while. Ziller was in here a couple of days ago. He was the first person I saw. He was saying that they were planning on camping out on a merchant track for a while, because he was trying to recruit some more for the GGGs. Fun fact, the Green Gregarious Gigorans aren’t all Gigorans, so that’s fun.”

CAMERON: “Really?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: “That takes away some of the allure.”

NICK: “Well, that’s why they don’t talk about it much. Ziller is. He’s kind of green. He’s kind of fun. He was saying they were going to go do a stakeout for a while. I don’t know how long you’re planning on staying on Engebo5…” and she looks a little nervous, “but it may be easier to go to them rather than wait for them to come back.”

CAMERON: “Kay!”

NICK: “Hasn’t my information been so helpful?”

CAMERON: (laughing) “Mm. Not particularly, Nola.”

NICK: “What do you mean? I told you one of your bounties is dead and a waste of time, I told you pretty much exactly how to find another one, and the third one with a little more digging, I mean I don’t know exactly where they are, you could probably figure it out. You just need a ship. You do have a ship, right?”

CAMERON: “It was great talking to you, Nola. I hope nothing happens to this planet so that you can stay for a while.”

NICK: “I tend to move around a lot, but this place is pretty nice. Everyone pays really well for services.” She rubs her thumb and a couple of fingers together. ‘So yeah, I’ll probably be here a while. I hope nothing happens too.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Thank you for the information. Do you have any contact information for the Ziller dude? Not necessarily needing to get in contact with him immediately, but a way to send him a message that he might receive within the next 36 hours?”

NICK: “Yeah. He did give us the frequency of his emergency beacon, and it’s two-way which is weird, but yeah, I can get you the frequency.”

CAMERON: “I really just need a message that way, just that there’s a Gigoran on planet who’s looking for work.”

NICK: “Oh… Oh yeah, you do have one of those white furry guys, don’t you?”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm. Just to try to draw them back towards me a little bit.”

NICK: “Yeah, here it is.” She pulls out a business card and holds it between two fingers. “But I mean, this is pretty actionable information. Girl’s gotta make a living.”

CAMERON: “I’m working on it. I was just asking if you had it before I paid you for anything.”

NICK: “Oh, it’s right here. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was kind of… He was okay, but okay doesn’t buy you too much loyalty these days.”

CAMERON: How much do I need to pay her?

NICK: I don’t know. That seems like some sort of skill thing, or you could just ask her.

LAURA: That almost seems like a…

NICK: That would be like a—

LAURA: Streetwise!

NICK: yeah.

LAURA: Xianna would know that.

CAMERON: To know how much to pay her?

LAURA: (laughing) We went to the wrong place.

NICK: Well, to know what’s appropriate. Basically Streetwise is how do you do illegal stuff and not seem like a nark.

CAMERON: Alright. What would the difficulty be on this Streetwise check? Knowing that I am a Skip Tracer, so I do this.

NICK: Easy.

CAMERON: Three successes.

NICK: Okay. You figure for the information you’d normally give someone like 20 Credits, that’s enough to buy a couple of meals. For the actual actionable lead someone in, because there’s a risk there, that’s probably like 150 Credits, or some sort of quid pro quo situation, like if you could offer her something else.

CAMERON: I just pay her.

NICK: Okay. You transfer the Credits. “Great.” She flips you the card, and it’s got a 22 digit IP address on it basically, but it’s something you could just type into a communicator and get them an email. Do you send them a message saying there’s a Gigoran?

CAMERON: I go to the ones down here, I don’t use mine, but I find one and tap into it.

NICK: Sure. We get a cool scene, if you want to, of Karma slipping someone’s communicator out of their pocket, sending a message, and then just slipping it back, because she’s very cool and good at this kind of stuff. That message is away.

Then we get a swipe cut to a fight pit. There is amphitheater seating in a circle. As soon as you walk down the hallway, Xianna and Tink, you can hear the roar of the crowd and the thud of fists. The amphitheater seating, there are people scattered around, it’s about half full so not like the biggest fight in the arena. You can see a Human and a Dug fighting. A Dug for those who don’t remember is like Sebulba, the walk on their hands, use their feet as hands people. The Dug has currently got its legs wrapped around the Human’s head and is punching the top of his head as hard as they can, and the crowd is cheering and going wild. As you enter you get this cool shot, and you see Tink and Xianna looking down, and then somebody slides over and goes, “Hey, there’s a 10 Credit cover, betting is on the far side, fight entries are on the near side.”

LAURA: “Tink, pay the nice man.”

HUDSON: “I’ll pay him my portion.”

LAURA: “Okay fine.” We each pay him the 10 Credits.

NICK: (laughs) Cool.

LAURA: “Tink, do you want to bet? No?”

HUDSON: “Mmm. I WAS a betting man, but…”

LAURA: “You were? Oh, do you have a gambling problem? Should I not have taken you here?”

HUDSON: “No… That was never a problem.”

LAURA: “Should I not have taken you here? Was this going to be a bad situation for you?”

HUDSON: “No, I’m just fine. No, I can—Nooo…”

LAURA: “So we should go gambling!”

HUDSON: “I can gamble a little bit. Yes.”

LAURA: “Are we going to party, Tink?”

HUDSON: ‘No. We’re going to gamble a respectable amount like adults.”

LAURA: You see Xianna, and she’s like, Tink’s thinking about it and before he says ‘like responsible adults’ Xianna already has a little baggy up to her face. “Wait, wait… like responsible adults?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. Not like I’m gonna snort impact right in front of me.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I mean, I’m going to do that…”

HUDSON: “(sighs)

LAURA: “(sniffs)”

HUDSON: “I have a lot of judgement.”

LAURA: “Okay, let’s go gambling! Heh.”

NICK: (smiling) The guy is just standing there watching this exchange. “Great. I also noticed that you have this giant creature here.”

HUDSON: “Whoa.”

NICK: “You’re gonna enter the fights, right? Whoever wins this one, I don’t think we have another challenger up. It could be really cool. The payout is pretty decent, and then obviously they’re gonna win so you could bet on them and double your money. Mark’s right around the corner … Marx with an X, because it’s Star Wars. You could go talk to Mark. Get you entered in, right now.”

LAURA: “Uh-huh. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He does have a good point, Tink. You are pretty big.”

HUDSON: “What’s a decent payout?”

NICK: “For fighters, if you win, 400 Credits.”

LAURA: Xianna’s already over at the counter filling out a little form on a data pad. “Okay. I think it was something like Rall—Tink! How do you spell your actual birth name?!”

HUDSON: “(sighs)”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “R-A-L-L-T-I-N-K-R-A-T-A-K-A-T.” (incorrect)

LAURA: “…T-A-K-A-K… Okay. Close enough. Okay.”

NICK: Marx is a really willowy guy. He has to crouch under the cabinets above the counter because he’s too tall for it. “You missed a T. You missed a T, right there.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay.” I just kind of smoosh it in.

NICK: “Any pre-existing medical conditions we should be concerned about?”

LAURA: “Uh, um… No!”

NICK: “I’m just joking. It’s just a little fight arena humor for you here in Nerftown.”

LAURA: “And he is… 2.-something meters?”

HUDSON: “2.1 meters.”

LAURA: “2.1 meters! Yes.”

NICK: “So he’s clearly 5 meters tall and weighs 800 kilograms. Don’t worry about that part. Alright. Here!”

LAURA: “What? No. (mumbles) Okay!”

NICK: He throws you a bundle of clothes. “Put this on. Go down those stairs. As soon as this fight’s over we’ll have you up next.”

LAURA: “Okay Tink, how much of your own money do you want me to bet on you? Do you want me to bet on any other fighters?”

HUDSON: Should I bet~?

LAURA: “Tink, just give me money.”

HUDSON: “(sighs)

LAURA: “Tink, Tink, come on. Give me your money.”

HUDSON: “(aggressively) Put 500 on me.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “(aggressively) Yeah!”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: We exchange and I take 500 of Tink’s Credits. Do they have listed who Tink is fighting?

NICK: No.

LAURA: Awh.

NICK: You could ask Marx. He might tell you.

LAURA: “Okay. Marx, who is he fighting?”

NICK: “Alright, hang on one second. Hey Tink. Tink, right? Yeah. Head down the stairs. There’s somebody down there. He’ll walk you through it.”

HUDSON: “Alright. Fine.”

NICK: He walks down. “Oh man. We’ve got a Wookie, actually.”

LAURA: “(gasps) Oh shit!”

NICK: “It’s like this really big Wookie. He’s got all these scars.”

LAURA: “Okay, but do you know like what the payouts are? Because this is not my money. If I split it on both, how much am I going to win by doing that?”

NICK: “We’re not great at math. If you split it you’re gonna make nothing. It’s just 1 to 1.”

LAURA: “It’s just 1 to 1?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “What? But there should be odds.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “That is… What?”

NICK: “Well I mean, we have a giant fur monster now, so…”

LAURA: “I mean, because like usually one of them would be like 6 to 1, and like… (sighs) I don’t—Okay.”

NICK: “Well the Wookie’s new too.”

LAURA: “Uhhh.” (laughs)

NICK: You see on the other side there’s a Human wearing a vest and pants looking kind of confused. “He came in with that guy a little while ago. We do this a lot. We saw a Gungan fight a frickin’ scorpion monster earlier today. It was nuts.”

LAURA: “Okay fine. Good byeee.” She runs over to the gambling. ‘Okay, 500 on the Gigoran. Tink. I do not know if he’s in the system yet. I do not know how any of this works.”

NICK: “Okay, so 500 on not the Wookie?”

LAURA: “Not the Wookie! The white Wookie.”

NICK: “Ze white Wookie.”

LAURA: “yes.”

NICK: (laughing) “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imitate your accent.”

LAURA: “You are not the first person to do that today.”

NICK: “Yeah, I know, but I feel really bad, because I’m really about this being an inclusive atmosphere at the gambling… Anyway.”

LAURA: “yes. Uh-huh.”

NICK: “Okay, 500 on the white Wookie. Got it!”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Cool.” At this point there’s a loud cheer, and the Dug has grabbed the Human by the nostrils and done a backflip and thrown the guy out into the crowd.

LAURA: Nice.

NICK: Some of the more rowdy crowd people are beating up the Human, and a… Hmm. Who do we want the MC to be?

CAMERON: One of those annoying two-headed with the different voices, from the pod racing.

LAURA: I was just about to say, what is the Greg Proops two-headed thing called? A Troig.

NICK: Alright. The announcer for the arena jumps down out of the chairs and you see it’s a Troig. That’s the two-headed aliens that comment on the pod racing in Episode 1. He’s wearing a tanktop with a lot of stripes on it and short booty shorts, and they have really scrawny limbs.

LAURA: (whispering) yes.

NICK: “Well, wasn’t that fight amazing, folks?! The Dug really dug his way out of that hole, didn’t he? A-ha.”

CAMERON: ‘Boo~’

LAURA: While this is happening, Xianna is sending a text to Karma that’s like, ‘smiley kissy face, Okay don’t be mad, entered Tink into a fight, you should come bet money on him, I already did, heart emoji.’ Heh.

NICK: The announcer makes his pun and the other head turns to him. “Aw, come on man. No… Don’t… Don’t do that. How many more are we doing? I’m so sleepy.”

“We’ve only got a few more fights to go! Don’t sleep on this one! We’ve got two Wookies going after it a little bit. We’ve got the supposed champion of several arenas around these systems versus Rallltinkraatakat, a newcomer fighter. Really supposed to be good, he’s an albino Wookie.”

HUDSON: (distant shout) “Gigoran!”

LAURA: “Yes. He is a Gigoran, not a Wookie~”

CAMERON: White Wookie! White Wookie! White Wookie!

LAURA: (joins chant)

NICK: The other head is going, “I’m pretty sure that’s a Gigoran, man. That’s really… Gigorans we’ve already established are on this planet, like people should know what those are…”

But the other head isn’t listening and goes, “White Wookie! White Wookie!” And all the crowd is going ‘White Wookie! White Wookie!’

You enter and a Wookie with red fur and covered in scars walks out. You can see the skin underneath the fur where these big, ropey scars on its arms and chest are. It’s wearing the UFC board shorts for some reason, so it’s got shorts that go down to mid quad on it and has a lot of product placement and things. It holds up its fist and you can see its knuckles which look very orangutan-like because the fur has been worn off by these big calluses.

LAURA: Xianna’s immediately sending a text to karma. “Okay, you might actually want to put money on the other Wookie. Oopsies. Winky smiley face.” Heh.

NICK: So, does Karma arrive on the scene?

CAMERON: Karma just shows up behind Xianna.

NICK: Batman style?

CAMERON: Yeah. (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh, ‘ello. Heh.”

CAMERON: “What?” (chuckles) “What is he doing down there?”

LAURA: “Heh. Okay, so you see what happened is that we came in here to see the fight, and then the guy who was taking our cover payment said that well Tink should just be in a fight because he is big and he is hairy and he probably would win very well, so I just went and signed Tink up to be in the fight and then I went and took Tink’s money to place a bet on Tink, but that is the other Wookie he is fighting. I keep saying other Wookie, but he’s not really a Wookie. The Wookie is that one as you can see is quite big and covered in scars and stuff.”

CAMERON: “So, what’s the setup for this fight?”

LAURA: “I think they just beat each other up until they decide one has won.”

CAMERON: “You think? You don’t know what the rules are for this fight?”

LAURA: “Oh no. (laughs) I just signed Tink up.”

CAMERON: “Oh, great. Alright. Cool.”

LAURA: “I have no idea.”

CAMERON: “Alright. Hopefully Tink’s hand-to-hand combat skills are pretty great, because I know he normally uses the axe.”

LAURA: “He agreed to it, so…”

CAMERON: “I mean, honestly though Xianna, does that really tell you much?” (laughs)

LAURA: “I mean, no.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. Think back to when he was using his medical skills.”

LAURA: “I mean, yes. So in my defense, when I signed him up I did not realize his opponent was going to be a Wookie. I thought it was going to be like,” and I point to the Human and the Dug, “I thought it was going to be one of the smaller ones, more our sized.”

CAMERON: “Oh, okay. Well…”

NICK: The Human is bleeding from the face really heavily and is just sprawled across a couple of empty benches.

LAURA: “I mean, because Tink would beat up a Human very easily. He could just sit on top of him.”

CAMERON: “Yeah… I mean, I guess good news is that Tink and the Wookie are gonna have comparable strength, so it may just be who lasts longer.”

LAURA: “So if you want to place a bet…”

CAMERON: “I really don’t want to bet on this.”

LAURA: “You don’t? Okay. Tink bet 500.”

CAMERON: “Well.”

LAURA: “yeah. I hope he has that money. Heh.”

NICK: So Tink, they threw you some clothes. What does your fight outfit look like?

HUDSON: It looks like a toga.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. It’s just a big sheet wrapped around?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: So it’s loose and floppy, and it might have been supposed to be a big cape for dramatic effect, but Tink’s wrapped it and tied it, so it looks very regal. You step out onto the arena and you see this Wookie that’s decently taller than you and covered in scars and pretty scary looking. He makes the Wookie noise.

NICK, LAURA & CAMERON: (attempt Wookie noises)

NICK: (smiling) We can’t make the Wookie noise.

LAURA & CAMERON: (more attempts, giggles)

HUDSON: Then I walk out, and I make my noise. … “Haalaalaalaah~!”

(laughter)

LAURA: He’s got the voice mod!

NICK: That’s great. Just ‘vowels~!’ (laughs) The announcer points and says, “He’s not our champion but he’s a champion, we bring you the Wookie from the outer rim, Crushbacca!” The Wookie flexes and you hear that twisting leather noise that it makes. “And a newcomer to the arena circuit, we’ve got… uh, man, that name’s really long. What do you want us to call you?”

HUDSON: “Tink!”

NICK: “Tink?! Nice toga, man.”

HUDSON: “Thank you.”

LAURA & CAMERON: (chanting) ‘White Wookie! White Wookie! White Wookie!’

LAURA: (laughs) You can see Xianna bouncing and chanting too.

NICK: We’re gonna roll for initiative! That would be Vigilance.

LAURA: “Karma, do you want any popcorn?”

CAMERON: What’s the Wookie’s Vigilance?

NICK: Three green.

HUDSON: I’m gonna lose so bad. (laughs)

NICK: Maybe.

CAMERON: The Wookie got one success and four advantages.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: If I only have one in Willpower but two in Vigilance…

NICK: That’s a yellow and a green. It switches.

CAMERON: The bigger number is their total number, the smaller number is always the number you got lowest.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

LAURA: It’s not a difficulty. You just roll the dice you have.

HUDSON: Oh. A triumph and two advantages.

NICK: Cool. I’m gonna say the triumph means you get to go first. Player then NPC. Triumph lets you add something super cool and advantageous to the arena. What would you like to find before you go?

HUDSON: So, what’s advantageous about the arena?

NICK: Yeah, like the setting or the setup, something that would make it easier for you to win.

HUDSON: Hanging from the ceiling there is a giant spiky ball that hangs down all the way to the floor so you can push it into people.

NICK: Ah! Alright. We gotta retcon a little bit. We go back, and the announcer’s still here, and the sleepy head goes, “Man, this is gonna take… have you ever seen two Wookies fight? It takes so long. They just can take such a beating.”

And the other one goes, ‘Fine! We’re gonna make it a DEATH BALL MATCH!” The chains start to clank and this big, scary Morningstar comes down.

CAMERON: Karma just crosses her arms and turns to stare at Xianna.

LAURA: Xianna looks over. “Um… I’m going to get popcorn. Bye! Okay, I’ll be back. Okay~”

NICK: We snap back. There’s this big—How big are you picturing; basketball, disco ball, novelty beach ball?

HUDSON: Miley Cyrus swinging.

CAMERON: Wrecking ball.

NICK: Miley Cyrus wrecking ball sized.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Covered in spikes. (laughs)

LAURA: Like six feet across?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: And it’s hovering like a meter off the ground on a chain, and it’s just slowly rocking in the middle. The Wookie is mugging to the crowd and flexing. The people he’s looking at are like “Crushbacca! Crushbacca!” and then—

SEVERAL: (joining at separate times) ‘White Wookie! White Wookie! White Wookie!’

NICK: You decide now is your chance. What do you do?

HUDSON: I go up to the spinning ball, and I take it from a diagonal angle, and I start running with it as fast as I can so that I can make it spin in circles continuously.

NICK: Are you trying to spin it on its axis or have it doing an orbit around the arena?

HUDSON: Doing an orbit around the arena.

NICK: Okay. That’s done. That can be your maneuver. You can also have an action.

HUDSON: It’s spinning around the arena?

NICK: yeah. You start running and you do a loop, and it’s in front of you swinging.

HUDSON: I go and I push Crushbacca into the ball that’s swinging.

NICK: Okay. You get it started. You swing it and you get it going. I’m gonna say it can go faster if you use more maneuvers into it later to make it go running. You run up to him and you try to shove him. That’s gonna be a Brawl check at average.

HUDSON: Ooh. Three successes.

NICK: Wow. Okay. You manage to shove him back into the ball. We’re gonna say the ball does a pretty solid smack. We’ll say it does like a light saber’s worth of damage. It sticks into his side and he makes the Wookie noise. (attempts)

CAMERON: (attempts)

LAURA: (meows)

(laughter)

NICK: He grabs you by the shoulder and grabs the chain from it and rips it free, and tries to just bring it overhand into your face. That’s gonna be Melee, two greens and a yellow versus average, but it’s gonna be two black dice because this thing is really big and heavy.

CAMERON: One threat.

NICK: One threat. Okay. We’ll say it slips out of his hand. He’s leaning towards ‘this isn’t gonna work, I should have just punched the guy.’ How do you dodge him throwing this giant ball at your face?

HUDSON: Forward somersault!

NICK: Forward somersault. Dust flies everywhere, it’s very dramatic, the whole crowd goes, ‘Ooooh!’

LAURA & CAMERON: ‘White Wookie! White Wookie!’

NICK: What do you do now? It’s your turn.

HUDSON: So, I rolled and I’m in front of him?

NICK: I was picturing you were in front of him and you rolled behind him to get away from the ball.

HUDSON: Yes. I karate kick him.

NICK: Where?

HUDSON: In the back.

NICK: (laughs) Straight in the back. Okay.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Roll me another Brawl check. It’s still average.

HUDSON: Two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Okay. Your Brawn is 3, so that’s 5 damage, (mumbles). He’s actually not doing very well. You’re doing very well. You kick him. You feel all the muscle in his back, and you can tell that this is a kick that would have really messed up a person, but to a Wookie it’s like uncomfortable. He arches his back and he cracks his knuckles, and he turns around. If you want, you can spend the advantages on like, he slips a little bit, so the next time you fight him you can tell which side is weak and you can get a blue die on that. Does that sound like fun?

HUDSON: I would like to do that.

NICK: Okay, cool. It’s his turn again. He’s going to just straight up try to grab you by the neck and pick you up into the air. That’s a Brawl check too.

CAMERON: Yellow, two green?

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: Four successes and two threats.

NICK: Nice. That’s gonna be 7 damage coming at you. The threats I think are his side is pretty well torn open. That big spiky ball that’s still just kind of roaming around the arena on the chain really got him good. You’re gonna have two blue dice on your next whatever you decide to do. He pumps his fists at you, because he tried to grab you and you skedaddled out of the way. What do you do?

HUDSON: For my maneuver, I run and grab the ball again, and I run with it into him and try to get him right in his side with it.

NICK: Okay. You’re aiming for the same thing?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Do you grab the chain and put your feet on the ball, childhood swing into it?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Oh boy. Great. Roll it.

HUDSON: Average.

NICK: Yeah. It is gonna be your Melee attack since you’re using a Melee weapon too.

HUDSON: Oh, seriously?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: Yeah. You get him right in the side again with this. There’s a sickening crunch. He doesn’t fall unconscious, but he falls to one knee and you see him grab his side and pull the ball out of it. You see him raise his hand. He’s like I’m done, I’m done, I didn’t sign up for a death ball match. His friend in the vest and the pants that’s sitting on the other side is like, “Aw, come on. You still coulda did it.” You get this shot of this really irritated glare from the Wookie, and Crushbacca’s like nah, I’m done, and he gets up and just limps out of the arena. There’s this moment of pause… and then the whole arena goes wild! Woo~!

LAURA: Xianna plops back down in the seat next to Karma with a thing of popcorn. “Oh! Did I miss it? Tink won?”

CAMERON: “yeah. Tink actually did remarkably well. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay good. We won money.”

NICK: (laughs) I think we get a quick snapshot of Xianna collecting the winnings. Tink comes back out. There’s splatters of blood on the toga that they let him keep. The person at the betting counter is like, “Wow. Really good job. Yeah. I guess next time the odds will be more in your favor. Right? Hah. Just a little gambling joke for you, that’s what we do here.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

NICK: Everybody is leaving, and we get a shot of the crew of the Afternoon Delight wading through the market. They’re in the distance kind of pushing through, and the green Twi’lek is leaning against the bar. Nola is playing with one of her lekku a little bit and just watching everybody leaving. “Huh… Interesting.” And then you all are back outside.

CAMERON: “Xianna, did you give Tink his money?”

LAURA: “Oh. Here Tink is your 500.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, it’s actually 1,000.”

LAURA: “No. This was your 500.”

HUDSON: “But I won, so it should be another 500.”

LAURA: “yes, but I signed you up and I placed the bet.”

HUDSON: “I asked you to place the bet.”

LAURA: “Okay. Here is 750.”

HUDSON: “No. I needed the whole—I am adrenalined right now.”

LAURA: “Okie, here is 800!”

HUDSON: “… No, 1,000!”

LAURA: “Ugh. Okay fine. Here is 1,000!”

HUDSON: (shouting) Now a thousand and—No, I’m just kidding.

(laughter)

NICK: I think the conversation is with their faces really close together, and the camera zooms out a little, and Tink has Xianna like under the armpits holding her up. ‘I’m very adrenalined right now!’

LAURA: (laughing) And Xianna’s like ‘(gasps) Oh okay!’

NICK: (laughs) yeah. The sun is setting in the distance. The crew is walking through the streets. Were you planning on staying in a hotel? You can try and sleep in the ship but they’re doing a lot of work on it. It would be really noisy and it would smell funny since they’re spraying the whole ship down.

LAURA: “Karma, you were talking to people, right? Did you find any hotels? I mean, there was a brothel.”

HUDSON: Space B&B.

LAURA: “We can always go to the brothel. I mean, I don’t know how the rest of you feel about that…”

CAMERON: “There’s a really cute bed and breakfast on my map.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

NICK: (laughs) She says that, and she’s looking at the data pad, she looks up and it’s a little two story Victorian house that’s painted blue with white trim.

CAMERON: It says there’s scones for breakfast.

NICK: (smiling) This is such a mom thing. I like it so much.

LAURA: (laughing) Tink and Xianna are in the back like, “(huffs) Is there a bar?”

CAMERON: Guys, no, you don’t understand. They have a show on HGTV. I’ve been wanting to stay here for a long time! (giggles)

LAURA: “Is it one of the places where 5:00 in the afternoon they have free cocktails?”

CAMERON: “I don’t think they’re free, but it does have a full bar.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay.”

CAMERON: “I’m not playing around, Xianna.”

LAURA: “There’s a full bar. I am good.”

HUDSON: Are you talking about an Embassy Suites? (laughs)

LAURA: Yes. That’s exactly what I was referencing.

NICK: Embassy Suites has free cocktails?

LAURA: yeah!

HUDSON: Yes. Me and my sister got tanked, because it was free liquor cocktails, so we had like six each.

NICK: Oh shit. Wow.

HUDSON: They were like—

LAURA: They’re not good, but they’re…

HUDSON: They’re not great.

NICK: But they’re free.

LAURA: They’re free.

NICK & CAMERON: Damn.

NICK: Okay. Everybody goes skipping up. I think we get a quick shot of everybody in their own room at the bed and breakfast. Karma’s is a standard four-poster bed, and Tink’s is all pink and really frilly and has a bunch of dolls lining the ceiling, and I think Xianna’s is nerf themed so it has nerf hide chairs and the trim on the wallpaper is nerfs and when you turn out the lights their eyes glow.

LAURA: (deep breath) Xianna looks at Karma, she like yells. “Karma! I hate this! It is terrible! Why?! It is staring at me! That one’s eyes follow me around!” (whining)

HUDSON: “This is cozy.”

CAMERON: My entire room is done in shiplap.

NICK: In shiplap? What is that?

CAMERON: It’s what you use when you’re redoing an old home on HGTV.

NICK: Oh… Okay.

CAMERON: (incredulously) You use shiplap.

NICK: (smiling) Great. Shiplap.

CAMERON: Gah!

NICK: (smiling) Yeah. We get everybody’s shots, and it zooms out to the house, and the sun dips over the horizon and the lights start to click on. We see Karma through the window looking happy, and Tink through the window just chilling out, and Xianna has the window screen pulled down. We see her silhouette, and we hear her yell, ‘I hate zis so much!’ And then that’s where the episode will end.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Da-naaa~!

OTHERS: –naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.